Feminist Hero Nick Viall Bravely Lets Vanessa Grimaldi Carry Their Groceries

I guess in Bachelor nation, no news is somehow news. At least, that would explain why the Daily Mail dedicated an entire article to a picture of Nick “letting” Vanessa carry her own groceries. The headline read “His knight in shining armor! Nick Viall takes a break from the heavy lifting and lets fiancee Vanessa Grimaldi carry their grocery bags back to car,” which is offensive for two reasons. One, that is way too fucking long to be considered a headline—where did these people go to journalism school? Two, I’ve read this article a couple of times through—which wasn’t especially difficult considering it amounted to about two sentences describing the couple’s outfits—and it’s not apparent that they are being facetious. Like, I’m honestly just not sure. Is that it? Is gender equality just carrying your own grocery bags? Did we just … beat sexism? All right, great, let’s pack it in. Marchers, you can go home now. Planned Parenthood, we good.

We Did It

I guess now is a good time to casually remind everyone that the Daily Mail did release an article recently where they referred to Prime Minister Teresa May and Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon collectively as, “legsit” (get it? like Brexit but for womens’ legs?) for wearing skirts, so it’s not hard to imagine that the Daily Mail has no fucking clue what it’s talking about when it comes to gender norms. I don’t know if the Daily Mail are trolls and I just fell into their trap or what, but I think it’s safe to wildly speculate definitevely say that if Nick is letting Vanessa carry her own groceries, he clearly doesn’t love her.

No real man would let his girlfriend struggle under the weight of some moderately full plastic bags when he could use the sheer force of his brute male penile strength to save her from having to exert physical energy—and probably save her from herself in the process. Let’s be real, Vanessa probably insisted on carrying the groceries because she’s on her period or something.

Just look at her. She’s totally PMS-ing. And really, good for Nick for “taking a break from the heavy lifting.” I’m sure he’s exhausted from keeping up the lie that his relationship is based on anything other than a mutual interest for temporary fame.

So thank you, Nick Viall. You’re not the feminist hero this country needs, but you’re very clearly the one we deserve.