We’ve seen an abundance of race-based conversations on Bravo over the years, and most of the time they leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable. Not because of the subject matter, but because they are brought up awkwardly and are not received by the respective casts in an empathetic way. That’s why the conversation on Summer House about race, led by Ciara Miller and Mya Allen was not only important but, in my opinion, set the standard as to how these types of conversations should be had. Let’s talk about why the conversation was crucial, why it was done so well, and how everyone, including the network, could benefit from using this conversation as a blueprint moving forward.
At the end of episode 5, Ciara and Mya, along with cast mates Alex Wach and Danielle Olivera, shared their experiences spending their summers in the predominantly white Hamptons with their white housemates. They experienced moments that made them incredibly uncomfortable, from fellow houseguest Andrea Denver calling Mya by the wrong name to a guest at one of the pool parties calling Alex Bruce Lee. The housemates needed to know these things happened to understand the experiences that their BIPOC housemates endure, and to take a moment to reflect on their actions as well. Something that can seem like an innocent mistake, such as confusing Ciara and Mya, can be offensive, especially when that type of confusion does not seem to occur with the other white housemates. These are microaggressions that are not only exclusive to the Summer House cast but BIPOC across the nation constantly. Comments like “you talk so white” or confusing the names of Black people around you are offensive and can be incredibly awkward to address, especially to those who exhibit white fragility.
While the subject material was heavy, one of the reasons why the conversation was successful is because the cast took time to show support to their fellow housemates and listen to their grievances. The phrase “listening and learning” is regularly said on the internet as a response to BIPOC speaking up about their experiences with racism, but is oftentimes said in a performative manner. However, the Summer House cast truly did listen. From Paige tearfully showing support to Ciara and Mya to Kyle quickly shutting down Luke’s comparison to his experiences as a white boy from the midwest coming into the group to Ciara and Mya’s lived experiences with racism, the cast actually did a good job of listening and, hopefully, learning.
Conversations about race and lived experiences on Bravo are nothing new, but when you are in the position of leading such conversations, it can be intimidating, especially when your audience is apathetic. We saw this especially on The Real Housewives of New York City this year when Eboni K. Williams would bring up race. The cast would look either uncomfortable, quickly agree with the points made to avoid conflict, or show their entire ass as Ramona Singer did at the Shabbat dinner. The reason the conversation on Summer House was so well received and successful was because there was a proper space given for the conversation and the cast was open to receiving the conversation. Too often lately, it’s felt like producers and/or the network are pushing BIPOC cast members to have conversations about race in a very rushed and disingenuous manner. Giving those who have experienced racism the space to have well-thought-out conversations about their experiences, on the other hand, gives them the respect that they deserve and also makes the conversation feel more genuine to viewers. In Eboni’s case, I don’t believe she was given the proper space and attention in order to facilitate such conversations.
Beyond just the Bravo spectrum, I believe that the way this conversation was handled is the way most conversations surrounding race should be had. Abruptly asking someone about their experiences or forcing someone to share their trauma as it pertains to race isn’t being an ally. It makes us, as people a part of marginalized groups, relive those moments and it puts us on defense mode. No one wants to share their experiences and have a “devil’s advocate” who wants to refute or debate every point that they bring up. It’s important that when we have these conversations that there are three things present. Space, respect, and accountability, and that in my opinion is what the Summer House cast exhibited perfectly.
It’s time to face the music and finally admit it: Montauk f*cking sucks. It’s a seemingly ironic yet blatant fact that you and your friends can’t seem to come clean about, so I’ll do everyone a favor and admit it for you. Gone are the days of a quaint beach town where you shack up with your besties and make your own fun, while of course peppering in a few nights at the happening spots in town. (Keyword here: few.)
Before Instagram blew up your newsfeed with all the “see and be seen” spots, navigating Montauk ran on an “if you know, you know” mentality. A drive through the small main strip of town will only reveal a handful of all that Montauk’s heyday had to offer. Before Montauk (in basic bitch term) “blew up”, it was only by word of mouth that you knew about Navy Beach (and where the hell it was). You knew that while The Lobster Roll looked like a roadside dive, it was the best stop for lunch before heading into town. The Harvest was all the rage and absolutely nothing topped a post-beach happy hour at The Sloppy Tuna. After a day of charter fishing, the boys in your share house knew to take their fresh catch to get prepared and served at Wok & Roll. I’d tell you to still keep that one a secret, but they recently closed (because of course they did). You could do it all, and the best part was that you could do it without having to get decked out in your best city attire. Back then it was golden hour, every hour: chill vibes, chill dress code, great times. Sounds amazing, right? Well, it WAS amazing, until it all came to a screeching halt.
A little throwback history real quick:
It might surprise you to learn that Montauk used to be an extremely quiet, isolated fisherman’s town. As local beach towns became popular weekend getaways, crowds flocked to the luxurious allure of The Hamptons. The houses were lavish and all the latest hotspots (RIP Pink Elephant) were full of beautiful people with beautiful Chanel bags on their arms. To solidify The Hamptons’ status, exorbitant amounts of celebrities began to buy summer megahomes there. Glitz and glam took The Hamptons by storm, and all the while, Montauk remained virtually the same: a humble, family-friendly beach town.
Today, the scene has totally changed, and sadly, it’s been for the worse. We’ve officially entered “book your summer house” season, and I’m here to inform you that, unfortunately, Montauk is so six summers ago. As someone who’s spent every summer of my life going to Montauk, I’ll preface this detailed list of reasons for its demise with a brief foreward: similar to an ex, MTK will always hold a special place in my heart, but things have reached the point where it’s officially time to break up (cuz I’m bored).
1. The Dreaded Drive
I get that good things come to those who wait, but is the 3+ hour drive to Montauk worth it? Absolutely not. I drove there this past summer over 4th of July weekend and it took us 4 ½ hours to get there. It’s gotten to the point where you think you’re being smooth by taking the back roads, and even the back roads are filled with traffic. It’s utter first-world misery, and if you’re a Montauk veteran like myself, then you’re also O-V-E-R I-T.
And don’t even get me started on the 3 hour+ train from Manhattan filled with rowdy amateurs, snapping pics with their BFFs to show the world they’ve begun their miserable voyage to beachside hell. Everyone has their bulky luggage in tow (New Yorkers are very extra when they travel). It’s loud, it’s long, and if you think you’re actually scoring a seat on this train, that’s really cute of you.
2. The Less-Than-Stellar Lodging Options
This one really kills me. Simply put, here are your four options for your stay in Montauk:
- A garbage hotel with a 4-night minimum that costs a small fortune
- A decent hotel with a 4-night minimum that costs an actual fortune
- Apply the two options above to your share house options
- A luxurious stay at your rich friend’s parents’ house, who you of course never forget to give a TY shoutout to. (I see you Joe! Bless.)
Haven’t we been in the workforce long enough to realize these options are a total waste of our hard-earned money? For the love of God, take that money and go to Europe.
3. The (Extremely) Overhyped Scene
You know it’s officially time to stop going somewhere when there are TV shows about it. Which, by the way, The Lobster Roll seriously needs to get over its five minutes of fame from The Affair. (Seriously though, f*ck that show and all its sus sexual misconduct amirite?!)
Anyway, the scene is totally out of control. High heels and beach towns should only be a legal combination at the Jersey Shore. I’m all for a glam night out, but it’s become next level bougie up in this bitch. Hard pass.
This past summer, I realized in my 3am drunken stupor that everyone in line at Pizza Village were very much out-of-towners and not New York natives. I couldn’t contain myself and just had to ask the people in front of me why they were all the way out in Montauk (my gripes towards Montauk have clearly been festering for quite some time). Ready for their response? “Because we saw it was the new hot spot on that TV show!” Kill me. But also, don’t judge me for going to Pizza Village, you know we’ve all been there… literally.
4. The Growing Presence of City Brands
Remember how earlier I said:
“A drive through the small main strip of town will only reveal a handful of all that Montauk’s heyday had to offer.”
Well that’s still true today, except all the other places Montauk has to offer now are exactly the same businesses we frequent on a daily basis in Manhattan. Seriously Montauk, why the hell did we need a Tacombi, Bluestone Lane, Scarpetta, Van Leeuwen, etc. in the middle of this beach town? An even bigger question: who the f*ck thought a Common Ground pop-up was necessary here? The Meatpacking location is a nightmare in and of itself, but leave it to Montauk to encourage yet another location of these types of places. And the SoulCycle! …I’m totally kidding, we absolutely needed one of those here.
But in all seriousness, what’s the point of leaving town when you’re surrounded by all the same brands you have at home? Isn’t the point of a beach getaway to escape your everyday routine and indulge in a change of pace?
5. The Eroding Sea Shore
As Al Gore boldly phrases it, global warming is an inconvenient truth. Nothing pulls at my heartstrings more than the devastating effects of climate change. (Seriously, do your part and go green— our time is running out!)
Montauk’s beaches are just one of the countless casualties of climate change. There’s such a small amount of the shoreline left that I nearly tear up every time I step foot there. It’s almost as if Mother Nature herself is over the Montauk hype and is doing whatever she can to literally push the degenerates out. The size of the beach is utterly incomparable to my childhood memories, and you’ve probably been too drunk summer after summer to even realize it. Get woke gals.
6. Amateur Hour at Every Turn
Okay, I’m genuinely confused about this rookie sh*t.
Popping bottles of champagne raging on the beach? Save it for the frat house.
Being forced to eat Ruschmeyer’s abysmal food just to avoid the 2 hour line? For shame!
Bottle service at Memory Motel? LOL. (No seriously I’m really laughing as I write this, that’s how comical the sheer idea is.)
I seriously feel like Daria watching Sick, Sad World when I see this BS go down. Do you people realize Montauk residences have held several town hall meetings about how they want to abolish the horrible crowds that their beloved town now attracts? We’re better than this lunacy and can absolutely take our talents elsewhere.
It’s nonsense like this that has not only made patronizing these places miserable, but has also contributed to the immense lack of integrity a present-day Montauk business has. Why would they even try to have good food or drinks when they know the crowds will come regardless? Which brings me to my next point…
7. Overpriced Eats
Whether you opt for a grab-and-go cafe or a three-course fancy dinner, it’s impossible to eat here without breaking the bank. And look, I’m always more than happy to drop bills on food as long as it’s actually good, but the food scene is seriously hurting here for the price. @ NavyBeach: GTFO of here with your $20 price tag for six pieces of fried calamari. Don’t mess with a girl who’s been drinking all day and her ravenous appetite, because that’s some serious soul-crushing stuff.
8. Absurd Uber Surges
We all loathe an Uber surge, but in Montauk they’re next level. This past summer, my friends and I paid $140 for a whopping 7-minute Uber from Common Ground to our hotel. I wish I was kidding… about both the surge and the fact that I actually did go to Common Ground this summer.
9. Way Too Many People Finessing Their ‘Gram Status
I’m all for doing it for the ‘gram, but for god’s sake, be cool about it. If you’re gonna take a pic with your crew on the Ronjo tiki head, make it snappy and then get to happy hour already. Do not stay on your phone posting videos of where you are all night. Do not go somewhere just for the location tag. Do not go to The Lobster Roll to take pics of where Noah f*cking met Allison. Do not pass MTK Highway, do not collect $200.
10. Last But Not Least, How Much It’s Strayed From What It Once Was
A wise philosopher (I think his name is Drake?) once said: “Nothing was the same.” And in all seriousness, it’s truly sad how much this amazing beach town has changed. Fond childhood memories of shopping at stores like A Little Bit of Everything and relaxed nights out are all donezo, because they literally don’t exist anymore. Beach bonfires are plagued by drunks and the only chill bar left in the entire town is The Gig Shack. A few summers ago, a genius company was selling “Make Montauk Less Great Again” hats outside of The Point. Politics aside, the satire was SO spot on because Montauk really was at its pinnacle before it underwent this revamping no one asked for. The hat had a steep price tag of $50, but to this day I’m happy I made the investment, and you best believe I wear that hat very proudly. Part of Montauk will always feel like home, but ultimately I’m f*cking over it. And you know you are too.
Images: Clay LeConey / Unsplash, Giphy (3)
As I reflect on Monday’s Vanderpump Rules finale, I’m grateful for a few things. 1) Lisa’s face as she gleefully bankrupts the two Toms, 2) Human fedora Patrick is out of Stassi’s life, 3) Scheana’s airtime was limited to five minutes. Bless. Of course, it took Scheana exactly zero days to get herself back in the news. This time, it’s for hosting a “viewing party” of the VPR finale with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro of Jersey Shore. Hmm, Scheana hanging out with a male reality star for attention? Where have we heard that before? I guess I’d be pretty desperate to distract from that season 6 performance too. But hitting up a Jersey Shore reboot cast member in the midst of his v public, v messy baby-mama feud? Has to be a new low. Here are the other D-list celebs Scheana’s
tried to pretend she’s dating on Instagram been linked to this year.
Scheana, when even your mom is roasting you like this, you know it’s bad:
Scheana Marie's mom told her she looked 'crazy' on #PumpRules due to obsession with Rob https://t.co/4aetrkdAXp
— Vanderpump Rules (@VanderpumpRules) April 30, 2018
Around January, Bravo gossip started circulating that Scheana had hooked up with Summer House cast member Carl Radke. This wasn’t explicitly Scheana’s doing, to be fair. Kristen and Stassi were the first to spread this rumor, expanding on their favorite hobby of ruining lives via podcast. But Scheana then immediately took to Twitter, making a huge deal out of how totally not true these rumors were. If she was actually trying to shut these rumors down, she was about as effective as with the Toca Madera rumors. But I’m more inclined to think she was just thrilled to hear her name coming out of Andy Cohen’s mouth.
For what it’s worth, Carl ended up confirming that he hooked up with Scheana twice on Watch What Happens Live. His ex-girlfriend Lauren Wirkus specified that he meant making out, not sex, which Scheana of course also immediately responded to on Twitter. Honestly, thank God WWHL doesn’t have a call-in feature—Scheana would never leave the house again.
Scheana: *makes a bad joke about Kristen being thirsty*
Last thing I will say about this BS. In the words of Stassi, @kristendoute idk what I’ve done to you, but I’ll GET you a Pinot Grigio. Looking pretty thirsty over there… ????????♀️
— ????️????Scheana (@scheana) January 30, 2018
Scheana’s mom: (*furiously types even worse joke about Stephen being thirsty*) You’re doing amazing sweetie!!!!
So @stephenmcgeeee Because Scheana knew where "cups" were at his apt that means they had sex? So lame…Maybe she can get you a cup…you sound a little thirsty! ???? https://t.co/AvnunCob3Q
— Erika van Olphen (@erikavanolphen) January 30, 2018
Next, Scheana briefly tried to convince everyone she was dating Bachelor Nation’s Robby Hayes. (Quick background: Robby was first on JoJo’s season, then went on Bachelor in Paradise, met Amanda Stanton, cheated on her, and weirdly Tweeted a bunch of their emails a few weeks ago. Actually, he could be a perfect match for Scheana.) On February 28, Scheana posted an Instagram of herself with this charmer. And of course, she captioned it with the classic “please start rumors about us” . (I guess that caption has since been changed?)
When asked about their relationship, Scheana has maintained that they’re just “good friends” who “get each other” and live in “similar worlds” (aka fake reality TV worlds). Beyond the fact that this sounds like code for “we bang sometimes and the conversation in between doesn’t make me want to kill myself,” I fail to see how Scheana would have just naturally stumbled upon this “friendship.” Scheana Someone DM’ed Robby someone to make this connection, and it’s probably the person posting sus Instas about it later. In other words, it’s notable that Robby has never posted anything of Scheana. (Though maybe he just doesn’t have his iPhone welded to his hand like Scheana does.)
Either way, in a classic Carl “please keep paying me please care about me” Radke fashion, Robby couldn’t resist giving US Weekly this final quote: “Whether we have moved on from our unsuccessful love stories on television to our own is still up in the air.” Barf. These two really should date.
Finally, we get to last night’s encounter. Apparently, Ronnie had a rough Monday: in the midst of an argument over whether (now-ex) girlfriend Jen Harley had “sex videos” with an ex, the couple decides to livestream this shit. Highlights include Jen’s packed boxes in the background, Ronnie screaming “put your fucking hands on me again I dare you,” and, presumably, the quiet sound of their one-month old baby being scarred for life.
So, how does a Jersey Shore cast member unwind from a day like that? Apparently, drives directly over to Scheana’s house so she can film the entire evening and upload it to Instagram. Jesus. Guess there’s really no scandal too private or dark for Scheana not to want to get in on the 15 minutes of fame. I mean, it’s a little too much of a coincidence that the first time they’re hanging out is the day Ronnie’s name is exploding in the news, right? And if you needed any further evidence that Scheana is desperate for more attention, she says the following in her story. “I mean, while watching the Vanderpump Rules finale, we have our own reality show in my condo.”
No Scheana, you do not. In order for something to become a reality show, there has to be an audience for it. And—please believe me—people do not want to see more of you right now.
I’d yell at Scheana a little for not looking out for other women here (any footage of Ronnie other than him quietly weeping was probably rough for Jen to watch), but let’s not pretend she’s ever cared about that. At this point, I’m just getting genuinely concerned about her need to Instagram all moments of her life. (New theory: maybe she fakes crying on the reunion next week and runs out just to be with her iPhone?)
If we’ve learned anything from Rob/Scheana + Stassi/Patrick this season, it’s that if you’re the only one talking about the “relationship,” you’re probably the only one who thinks it exists. So until a guy comes forward and says “I’m dating Scheana,” I’m going to have to start disregarding this nonsense.
That concludes today’s round-up of Scheana’s extreme thirst. Stay tuned for the day when Scheana posts her next “look at my reality boyfriend” Insta and “accidentally” tags Rob on her tit. I personally can’t wait.
UPDATE: Maybe five seconds before we were about to publish this, Scheana opened her mouth again. I literally cannot keep up with this
manic episode endless stream of thirst. In an E!News article, Scheana “speaks out” about Ronnie’s relationship, sharing the kind words that “not everyone can work, not everyone is compatible.” Welp, I guess she’d know.
She also snidely mentions that “they weren’t together very long before she got pregnant,” as evidence that the couple was beyond repair. All pretty rich coming from someone who made the comment “I know a family is something I want one day whether it’s with Rob or Joe from down the street.” So yeah. Maybe don’t be taking shots at women for their sub-par family planning. All in all, this is the Scheana commentary no one asked for, on a situation she has nothing to do with, in the latest of her many sad attempts to have people give a shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say she should pull a T-Swift and cleanse from social media ASAP. Just please god don’t follow it up with an “edgy” new album.
Images: Twitter (3); Instagram (1); Giphy (2)
We open this week’s Summer House with Danielle narrating, only to say that she’s taking the weekend off for “job hunting.” Damn Danielle, only five weekends in and you couldn’t take the heat? Also, let’s take a second to talk about everyone on this show’s “jobs” because we started talking about it in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap. Namely, how NOBODY ON THIS SHOW (except for maybe Stephen) has one! Carl got fired, Lauren is basically an assistant/receptionist at age 29, Lindsay and Kyle “run their own businesses,” and Danielle is also job hunting? I know the market is tough and all, but c’mon y’all. Was it worth it? I love Summer House, but was it worth it to sell your soul and your career prospects for a third-tier Bravo show?
I just remembered that last night I had a dream that Danielle and Carl started hooking up again, so I officially need a new job.
Anyway, we open at a “tech networking event” that looks like it’s held in one of the offices of a WeWork. Aka a fake networking event. That’s also for some reason held on the weekend? Also whoever called Carl out for his yellow teeth in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap would be happy to know that he got his teeth whitened.
Anyway, we open for real at a bar with Kyle and Amanda. Amanda is me on every date, being hungry af and not wanting to drink on an empty stomach. Kyle asks the bartender for the food menu and the bartender says the kitchen is closed. And that’s how you end up wasted and making out on a first date (see: Lindsay later this episode.) BUT THENNNNN Kyle says “this bar is like a reverse speakeasy.” DUN DUN DUNNNN. So they go towards the back and, what do you know, the kitchen is open!
I think I’ve been to this bar. It’s on like, 14th and 3rd Ave?
Amanda is like, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I never expected you to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me.”
Then Kyle gives Amanda a gift and it’s… a key to his apartment! We really are seeing a whole new Kyle.
Amanda: OMG Kyle!!! This is so sweet!!
Inner Amanda, probably: Ok but where’s my real Valentine’s Day gift?
Also I just noticed that if they film this show in the summer (hence the title Summer House), they literally just had Kyle and Amanda fake a Valentine’s Day date months in advance. I KNOW they said the word “Valentine’s” during this date. Ah, the magic of reality TV.
At the Summer House, Ashley shows up! I feel like she and Lauren look significantly less alike, maybe because they haven’t been spending every waking second together.
Lauren keeps telling Ashley that she and Carl are “friends” and she’s “just having fun.”
Sorry I know I always use that gif but there’s literally no other way to describe my feelings about this more accurately. Look, I don’t care what people do. I really don’t. I care if you lie about it. Don’t lie. Don’t act like the Cool Girl when you just smashed a cake in Carl’s face for conversing with another woman.
The fucking Wirkus parade strolls in, shrieking higher than the human ear can pick up. I’m writing this recap at 9am, and it is too damn early for this.
Ashley (I think, it’s a flurry of blonde in there) shows off her engagement ring, and the girls are like “Goals, Amanda, right? Goals.” Kyle looks like someone just murdered a puppy in front of him.
Carl walks in and says to Lauren, “You don’t need that much makeup.” Then, reading the room and the death glares he’s getting, goes “Uh I mean, you look fine. Wear however much makeup you want. Women should be paid as much as men.”
I will now transcribe Carl’s internal monologue while meeting Ashley:
I’m going to enjoy watching Carl sweat all episode. Holy shit, Stephen is going IN. He calls Carl a fake, a liar, says everything out of his mouth is bulshit… y’all, Stephen is DONE.
Lindsay is going to invite out her fitness trainer “friend” who incidentally is my coworker’s boyfriend’s best friend. BRB, gonna go make a cup of tea because I will be SPILLING it later.
Amit keeps being mad that Stephen keeps saying “it’s the girls and the gays” and Amit is like “I’m here tho.”
All of us: …. right exactly.
I can’t believe that Lindsay invited a trainer friend to crash a bachelorette party just because she wants to hook up with the trainer. Except I literally can because I know people who would do that.
Back at the house after a night at a bar where Carl cock blocks all the girls in one fell swoop, Carl gets on a table and starts dancing and says that he has three nuts. Everyone is like “WAIT REALLY?” Lol like, can’t you just ask Lauren? Stephen literally asks Siri if someone can have three testicles!!! Bye. I’m crying.
Carl and Lauren go into the hot tub and everyone else decides to spy on them from the deck. Lauren comes up like “Carl, who are you texting? Your girlfriend Courtney?” And then Carl flips out and gets in her face like “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” But then Lauren starts chasing Carl around the house. Then Ashley comes into the room with a watermelon (??) and smashes it on the ground in front of them and yells, “EAT IT BITCH!”
Eat it bitch. Three words that will live on in infamy.
Honestly, this is amazing. Clearly Lauren and Ashley are related when their first instinct is to smash food when they get angry.
Ashley says in her ITM, “This is exactly what I thought would happen. Lauren is left picking up the pieces, and where’s Carl?” Okay, don’t act like you did this on purpose as a fucking metaphor; you just got drunk and went ASHLEY SMASH!!!
I literally can’t even recap the conversation between Carl and Lauren because it’s so sad. Basically like Carl is like “Don’t make fun of me for talking to other girls” and Lauren is like “Guess what, Carl? Guess what? It hurts me when you talk to other girls.” And Carl is like “K.” Now I get why Ashley acted so psycho and controlling on last season’s Summer House—if my sister was out here on reality TV acting too desperate to function, I would also want to slap the shit out of her.
The next morning Stephen asks Ashley if she remembers smashing the watermelon, and she’s like “Look, I’m the sane one right now.” Are you??? At least we FINALLY get shots of Stephen shadily eating SkinnyPop.
The guys are going to an Aston Martin brunch. Kyle is wearing shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt. Amit is wearing an all-green suit. What is the attire of this event?
Back in the city, Danielle is on a very fake phone interview with Capital One. She’s trolling the internet while on this phone interview, which just seems like a poor choice.
At this party, Carl and Amit are shit talking Stephen. Hmph. I mean, to be fair, I don’t think Stephen likes Amit so I mean yeah I guess Amit has a right to feel some type of way.
Back at the house, the girls are drunk in the pool when Nick, the trainer, walks in. Watching Lindsay talk about him is very cringey. This workout is a bigger charade than Nick and Lindsay’s “relationship.” It’s like, “Ok everybody, do one push-up! Great job, now go drink some rosé.”
Lindsay is every delusional dater: “I think there’s something bigger there and it would be an absolute shame if this date didn’t go anywhere.” You haven’t even gone out yet! How can you say that?
Lindsay and Nick show up to this near-empty restaurant, and I for one respect how out Lindsay’s tits are on this date. Nick is 25, yikes. Lindsay, don’t do it. He literally said “age is just a number,” spoken by every creeper in existence. She gets up to go to the bathroom and like Spider-Man kisses Nick and I just cringed so hard I melted into my couch.
Stephen and Carl sit down for dinner, and it’s so awkward. Stephen is alluding to “something” that happened over the winter that’s been “growing like a tumor” inside him.
Stephen: Usually when a friend burns me, I can replace ya.
Stephen: This is like the Bates motel, there’s not much vacancy here. If I need to take you in the shower and clear that space, I will.
So like while I love murder analogies as much as the next girl, the whole thing about the Bates Motel was that they had a lot of vacancies because it was a creepy motel in a remote area where nobody wanted to stay.
Back at the summer house, Lindsay is laying on the bed wearing cat ears for some inexplicable reason? IDK. I feel like day drinking and then going on a date is a recipe for disaster. I also just saw Lindsay’s entire ass and possibly her vulva, which I did not need to see.
Nick sneaks out in the morning with his medicine ball and resistance band in one hand. That’s a vibe.
Amanda is talking about how Kyle is “all talk and no rock”… haven’t you guys been dating for a year at most? It is too soon. *says the girl who is perpetually single and only meets psychos*
Stephen and Ashley basically initiate a three-way call attack with Carl, only it’s in person. That seems like an odd strategy, bringing someone Carl hates to confront him about your friendship.
Actual footage of Carl walking in:
Stephen says some shit and Carl is like “I appreciate you saying that and I want to try to make it better.” Stephen is like “this is the speech I’ve heard” and Ashley is like, “Honestly, Carl?” Ashley, this isn’t about you! Keep your mouth shut!
Stephen brings up that Carl apparently said that the best head he ever got was from a guy. Honestly, I fail to see why that would end somebody’s friendship, but I guess we’ll have to wait until next week’s Summer House.
Welcome back, delinquents. We’re back at Summer House and my second consecutive hour of Bravo reality shows. My brain cells are atrophying as we speak.
Okay sorry, Amit is self-employed and he has a dog? Someone please comment with his phone number. Mostly here for the dog tbh. #herefortherightreasons
This is not at all essential to the recap, but here is Amit’s dog, for those of you who were wondering:
Amanda tries to ask Kyle if they would ever move in together and she’s like, “I just want to begin to talk about considering the possibility of us maybe thinking about moving in together.” Jesus, grow some balls and be direct.
Kyle basically says “I’m not going to move in, but I’m not NOT going to move in.” Amanda also has to pull teeth to get Kyle to even accept the idea of them hanging out on weeknights, so this relationship is going well. Really strong couple we have.
Danielle and Carl get lunch and she says “Carl isn’t the guy for me but I’d definitely make out with him again.” That is a dangerous fucking game to play, Dani.
Lindsay and Lauren get lunch and Lindsay is like, “Amit is definitely flirting with me” *cut to* Amit making fun of her mercilessly and saying that nobody in the house can hook u with each other. Is that what flirting is? If so, it explains why I’m single.
Apparently Lauren and Carl made out after the Pride Parade, because there’s nothing that encourages two straight people to hook up more than celebrating gay pride.
Danielle tries to explain to Carl how he and Lauren cannot be friends, asserting that, “women will always take it to a more emotional level.” Fuck outta here with that sexist nonsense. Where’s Lala when you need her? Get her up in here to explain pussy power to Danielle. The phenomenon of catching feelings is not unique to women!
Stephen rolls up to the Summer House with 67 Amazon boxes, further solidifying why I love him so much. What is he even ordering? I would like a full unboxing video, thanks Bravo.
The girls go on a bike riding wine tour and the guys are boxing at the house. *Makes mental note to do a wine bike tour in the summer* Once again, Stephen is me: sitting on a rainbow swan floatie and watching these two meatheads beat the shit out of each other. Stephen is all of us. WE. ARE. STEPHEN. (In my head I chanted that in a “WE ARE MARSHALL” type way. If you didn’t do the same, you need to get with the program.)
Stephen: Muhammad Ali said float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I say sit on a float and sip twisted tea.
Stephen McGee, the Shakespeare of our time.
At this picnic, Danielle is like “So how was pride?” and Lauren starts talking about how fucked up Carl acted and Danielle is like, “No no IDGAF about Carl being insensitive. I heard you had a makeout.” Like, bitch, you jealous? Why are you so concerned?
Tbh nothing interesting happens for a full 10 minutes until right after dinner they cut to Stephen motor boating Lauren’s boobs. He says it hurt. That’s because her implants are like rocks.
Honestly I’m glad everyone is ganging up on Danielle because she’s trying to be a little shit-stirrer but she’s really not subtle at all enough to be doing this. Homegirl needs to learn some finesse. Also, you can’t be the new girl coming into the house, blatantly trying to start drama, and then get upset when nobody likes you. Them’s the breaks, sweetheart.
Everyone goes to sleep, but Danielle orchestrates a booty call at 1:30am. I can’t even get one person to invite me out to the Hamptons; I’m jealous that all these girls have three Hamptons baes on deck. How about you share the love??
Everyone is food shopping for the party. Lindsay is gushing about Everett and Stephen’s in a corner of the grocery store, eating. You guys already know what I’m gonna say. Like, what would this show be without Stephen constantly judging from a corner? NOTHING. It would be nothing. But also, did you pay for that food, Stephen?
There’s really not that much to say about this party except that Kyle’s wig is back and I reallyy wish I was invited to this party. Lauren brought some random guy she found at a fucking baby shower, leading me to believe she takes her dating advice from Chazz Reinhold.
Carl: Lauren brought a date to the party which isn’t cool because it’s only okay when I do it.
JK he didn’t say that, but he said it with his eyes. He was like, “Yea it’s cool it’s totally cool why wouldn’t it be cool we’re both single it’s cool cool cool.”
Every girl at the party is throwing themselves at Amit and he is so unbothered. What pheromones does he use?? Asking for myself.
Danielle uses her amazing Puerto Rican deductive reasoning skills to reach the conclusion that Lauren is giving her the cold shoulder. Probably because everytime Lauren walks past Danielle, she doesn’t acknowledge her in any way.
Danielle: Coming from a Puerto Rican background it’s easy to tell when someone’s mad at you.
Is that a stereotype or is that just like, being observant? An honest question.
Danielle is pointing out how Lauren decides to talk to Carl at the party and is like “Hm, that’s weird.” Is it, though?? They live in the same house. Danielle is not letting Lauren breathe. Actual footage of me watching:
So over the course of this party it comes out that during the off-season Carl was fucking Lauren RAW and still had the audacity to claim they were “just friends.” I just want to know where Carl lives, because Lauren clearly lives in New York and he lives in fucking Fuckboy Fantasy Land. I’ll clarify for anyone at home who needs some further information on this: NO ONE fucks someone who’s just a friend. Especially without a condom. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. No one in their right mind is putting themselves at risk for pregnancy or STIs for someone they only deem “a friend”. At least one party has feelings. Okay, are we clear? Good.
Lindsay is trying to come onto Amit and is like, “What do you like about me?”
Amit: Umm, I like that… you have eyes. And…hair.
Then he runs away and leaves her alone on the bed, texting. How most of my hookups end, actually.
Lauren’s glaring angrily at Carl’s date and double fisting handles of Fireball. This isn’t going to end well. I’m hoping for a fight. She grabs the cake with purpose in her eyes… and I think I know what’s about to happen, and… I’m right. She kicks some random girl out of the way and CAKES CARL IN THE FACE AND THEN MAKES OUT WITH HIM.
^Incidentally, this is also how most of my hookups end.
Omg. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I think Lauren has gone full psycho. I’m also mad that she wasted a perfectly good cake. That’s all she wrote for this week.
Let me just start off by saying for those who don’t know: I am on the runaway hit, renewed-for-a-second-season show Summer House and there is a rumor that I started they want to nominate me for an Emmy, so you know everything in this article is completely true and a proven fact.
Memorial Day is upon us which marks the New Yorkers’ official start of 12 weeks of
starvation summer. If you haven’t been prepping for this weekend for the last IDK… like eight weeks or so, you’re probably fucked, but you can still starve yourself all week and maybe Stassi can tell you where to get a turtleneck swimsuit. (Love you, Stassi.)
I’m going to assume you already have a place to stay or at least a place to crash or something. If you are looking for a summer house this late in the game you might as well give up unless you want to be on TV (wink).
There are some great hotels out East, but they can be expensive and if I started laying out how to get a sugar daddy this post would just get really long and I think I may be liable if something happens. You can figure it out though… I believe in you.
There are four ways to get to the Hamptons and I’ll break them down in order of most to least desirable:
1. Helicopter: LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. I’ve literally offered kidneys, livers, every organ (and I mean every) for an extra seat.
2. Car: By car I mean SUV because that can be a LONG ride. On a Friday, I’ve had the 90 mile drive take five and a half hours. The benefit is you can stop whenever and you are just with your friends. Tip: there is a Taco Bell like 20 miles in.
3. Bus: Luxury Liner is the best bus option. I mean it says luxury in the name and they offer free SmartWater and Skinny Pop. BYE.
4. Train: I’ve never felt more like an extra on the set of Slumdog Millionaire in my life. It’s crowded. It’s hot. Someone smells. And when you’re on that platform waiting, the real ugly side of people can come out in order to get a seat when those doors open.
CONGRATULATIONS. You’ve finally made it. Hopefully you arrive and find your accommodations like this:
Believe it or not, I can be rugged sometimes, but the Hamptons is NOT one of those times you want to be adventurous
unless it’s in the bedroom (Google “Sir Ivan’s Castle” if you’re brave). If you arrive anywhere with “RV” or “campground” in the name, scroll back up and reverse your travel ASAP.
Hopefully you have a good group you’re staying with, but also hopefully there is someone you can talk about behind their back because this is Betches. Hi.
I like to have a nice mix of good friends and the acquaintances—it keeps it interesting.
IMPORTANT: Do not bring anyone that you have been dating for less than two months. Things get stressful at times when you’re drunk and trying to figure out where you left your phone and everyone changes a little out East… this will definitely break your relationship. I learned this lesson on one of my first big trips to Montauk.
I had been going on like, regular dates with this guy and he was so hot. He had met my friends so I thought bringing him to a weekend in Montauk would be an amazing way to really make this a lasting relationship. The day after this photo way taken was the last day I saw him and if he happens to read this I have one message:
Go fuck yourself / if it’s after 3am you can text me.
IT’S TIME TO PARTY
First of all, Memorial Day Weekend is known for being like the box of chocolates of weather. It could be nice, sunny and amazing, but probably it will be kind of cold, overcast, and raining. At the time of me writing this, which is 3:30am and I’m
drunk inspired, the weather is going to be complete shit. Bring your layers, because I don’t want to hear anyone complaining they are cold—and no, you cannot wear my jacket. I’m chivalrous, but we also have the weather app.
Second, if you are in East Hampton or Montauk, there is no Uber and you will literally want to kill yourself slowly with shards of empty rosé bottles unless you take this next piece of advice. Always have lots of cash for cabs and take out your phone right now and put this number in your contacts:
Montauk’s Best Taxi
They are not paying me to do this… that’s just how much they saved my life last summer. One time the Wirkus Twins and I were literally crying trying to get a cab and it was complete chaos. Everyone was running to jump in when any cab pulled up, whether they called it or not.
A Winklevoss twin was literally crawling on the ground across the parking lot (The lyrics of a Countess Luann song come to mind—you know which one). Montauk’s Best came and we met the driver and called him the rest of the summer. If you tell them Stephen from Summer House sent you, they are still going to take your money, but they will probably get you a car faster when you’re blacking out at 4am trying to get home.
BRING ON THE BOOZE
I swear you will hear the word “rosé” no less than 20,000 times in a weekend in the Hamptons, but do not feel obligated to drink it. Honestly, if you know that wine sends you over the edge, just do us ALL a favor and drink what you’re good at. The old saying “it’s a marathon; not a sprint” is even more appropriate when applied to drinking than it is even when you’re talking about actually fucking running
after the sparklers in the club. Also, can we all agree to stop with Café Patron shots? So Meatpacking 2013…
Disclaimer: I have really only spent a lot of time in East Hampton and Montauk and I am
so lazy a creature of habit so I go to a lot of the same places. But I am going to give you some places I love and some I don’t… just assume everywhere else is ok:
Surf Lodge: Quintessential Montauk. The bar can get very crowded, so buy multiple drinks at a time. Then cross over the dining patio and there is a swing and more secret seating.
Montauk Beach House: They’ve been stepping up their DJ game every summer, but also the pool scene is nice. It’s nice if you need to get away from your house during the day.
Gurney’s: Beach day bed. That’s all.
Jue Lan Club: Located in Southampton. If you’ve ever been to their Sunday brunch at the Manhattan location, you know they know how to throw a good party. The food is good and there is amazing art inside.
Liars: It’s like a late-night place in Montauk but I think it’s a doublewide trailer. It’s fine but I’ve never ended up there and not had drama amongst my friends later so I think it’s cursed and I just avoid it.
That place in East Hampton that feels like a tunnel: It used to be Finale East and SL. IDK what it is anymore but like the real problem is THERE ARE ONLY TWO TOILETS IN THE ENTIRE PLACE so do the math.
AM Southampton: Honestly it can be fun if that’s what you’re into, but like, you should have just stayed in the city if you want to go to a club.
At the end of the night,
your sugar daddy you are going to spend a lot of money going out. I am more of a fan of house parties because I’m cheap and when I get tired I will go upstairs in some obscure room and take a nap to reboot. It’s the only time I’m more than happy to go back in the closet.
Just keep piling on the alcohol and you’re sure to have a good night/rough morning.
OTHER THINGS YOU NEED KNOW
Other places in the world you can float around all day on cheap floats, but in the Hamptons you can actually find people who are snobby about floats (me). If you want to impress people on Instagram you have to shop FUNBOY, who just released a brand new batch of floats that are AH-FUCKING-MAZING.
Take a surf lesson/flirt with a surfer. It’s pretty fun and you can probably get three or four good TBT’s from it.
Sooth services the Hamptons so you can get a Sunday massage. #praisehim
Two Mile Hollow Beach in East Hampton is like an unofficial gay beach but it’s not like crazy Fire Island. I just describe it as the fun beach because it’s young and cool and everyone socializes… there are few children which is the biggest selling point. YOU CAN SEE CELEBRITIES THERE AND, NO, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ME. They are just like us when we are at the beach… sand in all the wrong places.
There is a Barry’s Bootcamp, Tracy Anderson, SoulCycle, etc. I’ve heard Switch and CYC are opening as well. You can sweat out last night’s tequila with a class in the morning and sometimes they will forgive you if you have to cancel because
you’re too hungover of an emergency and credit you if you beg.
Wineries are fun but not really a party. Make sure you’re in the right mindset or you WILL get in a fight with your drunk friend.
Well, that’s pretty much the extent of
my brain function tonight all the tips I have for you to take over the Hamptons this summer. If I think of more important information I’ll release a Volume II. Tweet me if you have any more tips, questions or success from any of these and follow me on Instagram and maybe I’ll run into you out East.
Summer House fans, pay attention because we’re about to make your day. Probably your week. Possibly even your year. That’s because we scored an interview with the real MVP of Summer House: Stephen McGee, thrower of shade, eater of popcorn. Stephen had a LOT of shit to
talk say about his fellow housemates and the future of Summer House, so get ready because shit’s about to get real.
How do you think being on the show affected your relationships with the housemates?
Well going into the show, I was only good friends with Lindsay. Lindsay was the only person I knew and she’s the one that got me involved, and before we started the summer I met Cristina. I met the Wirkus twins fall of 2015, but I wasn’t really friends with them—we just hadn’t hung out a lot. I did make great friendships with the twins, Carl and Kyle, but Lindsay and I are no longer friends really.
Because of the show?
There were a lot of things that happened before and after the summer… She got me involved in the house and then she tried to get me to quit before the summer even started, and she’s just very…all about Lindsay. I only knew her as a “going out” friend, and then spending a lot of time with her, it’s just kind of like, not working.
Are Lindsay and Everett still together?
The last I heard they are together, but they did break up. I mean, they’ve broken up like a million times. But there was a very serious breakup, I think it was almost two weeks. So…they did move in together, but then she was staying at a friend’s. But I think they’re back together now.
So there will be a second season?
We don’t have anything confirmed, but all signs are pointing to yes. We are hopeful.
Would you do a second season?
Yeah, I would do another summer share. I would definitely do a second season of the show… it definitely does depend a little bit on who’s in the house because this time obviously I was very peripheral, but I think my role in the group has shifted because like, to be honest I kind of replaced Lindsay when she became so side tracked with her relationship. And so I think it’s worth it to do it.
I feel like that’s why everybody liked you because you were kind of just commenting on the side while the show was going on, but what was that like in real life when the drama was playing out?
I feel like everybody’s portrayal on the show was pretty fair to who they were. I think some people…I don’t want to rag on Lindsay and Everett, because individually they are not so bad, but honestly I think they a little better than how it felt in reality.
Why wouldn’t they edit it to seem as bad as possible? That’s what people want to see.
Well, it’s all about the editing—I think that since the Lindsay and Cristina fight got so big, you kind of hated them both, and you didn’t really want either of them to win, like, somebody had to look a little bit better. Yeah, Cristina lost. But I think Lindsay and Everett definitely were fighting ALL the time, it was not like a private thing, it was to the point where the house was pretty over it.
They were the Ron and Sam of Summer House.
Yeah, we were basically like…Get out.
We were kind of surprised there wasn’t a Summer House reunion.
There was talk about doing a reunion. I like to say that I’m the reason it didn’t happen. I was the only one that had a conflict with the date, they literally came to us a week before—it was like, the end of February and they wanted to shoot it on like, March 5th or something, which was the only day that Andy was available. I was going on vacation, so… But that’s just the scenario I made up in my head. Most shows dont get reunions season one.
And I mean… what am I gonna get 30 seconds to speak? All they’re gonna talk about is Kyle and Amanda, and Lindsay and Everett, and Carl and Lauren. Which, this is something you NEED to know—no one except the real couples fucked the entire summer. People would sleep in the same bed and it would look like, oooh we’re turning the lights out, we’re throwing a blanket over the camera, but they say “hooked up” all the time. I don’t know about straight people, but when gay people say “hooked up”, there was penetration. Like, everyone kept saying “well we hooked up” and I’d be like “you made out” and they’re like “that’s what I said!”
Was Cristina really as big a shit starter as they made it seem?
Cristina—I mean, I don’t want to say that Lindsay is right in saying this because I don’t wanna give Lindsay any credit,—but Cristina’s not maniacal enough to meddle… I don’t think she had bad intentions. The only thing that I’ll say that she kind of kept pushing on was Jaclyn and Carl. She kept trying to make that a thing, and it really wasn’t.
Was that just editing?
Well, that really is who Jaclyn is—a flirt. But I mean, Jaclyn and I went further than she and Carl. I made out with every one of the girls. We all made out at different times.
Who’s the best kisser?
I feel like Jaclyn, actually. Lauren was probably second place.
Was Cristina actually fired or did she just quit?
Cristina was not fired, to my knowledge, but she was basically forced to quit—she left her job to do the show, basically. So in reality, Lindsay just saw that as a way to pigeonhole her in because she can’t deny it because she can’t say “No, I left the job because I want to be on this TV show”. Smart. But now she has this great job at Wetpaint.
One thing we were all curious about was how did you guys get shitfaced all the time and then go to work on Monday?
Well Mondays were always tough. One Monday I did call in sick, and Carl and I just decided to stay out there. Honestly, I don’t know how we did Mondays. Usually Lauren was the most reliable one that she would drive in the mornings. Sundays at Surf Lodge are like, some of the best times to be there. We would stay there and Lauren would always get up and drive and we would sleep in the car. The Wirkus’ hangover cure, which we all were doing, is taking an alka seltzer in the morning. It was working!
So you watched the show as it aired, is there anything you would have done differently?
I didn’t regret doing it, but looking back on it, I was like “This was not worth it and I shouldn’t have done it” was to tell Lindsay about Everett sleeping in a bed with four people. Because he did tell me that. We were in the pool and he just walked by and asked me what I did and I was like “oh it was crazy blah blah blah” and he was like “YEAH YOU’RE TELLING ME I WOKE UP IN THE BED WITH FOUR PEOPLE” and then kept walking.
Like, it wasn’t a big conversation but he told me that and then afterwards I hear what story she was told and I’m just like, that wasn’t true. The reason I told her is I figured it would come back around that I knew and it would be worse if I didn’t tell than if I did, even though we weren’t on the best of terms at the time. And that’s why I just simply told her and then let her do with it what she wanted. And it’s not like I thought Everett had an orgy, but I mean he obviously lied about what happened. And he went on this big campaign saying I was lying about it, and it all came back that then Kyle was like “well actually you did say…”
It always amazes me when people on reality shows lie about something when they’re ON camera.
You know it’s coming back. To be honest, it just wasn’t worth the drama of telling. It didn’t do anything, it didn’t solve any problems. That was the craziest moment, that dinner that we had…he tries to say that I was—which, okay, watching it back, I did you know, stir the pot, but I was smart about it. Lindsay quickly realized that the dinner was not about her so she had to start a fight and storm out, but then she just came back smiling, that was the weirdest moment. In real life it was very uncomfortable because she just came back in smiling like she forgot everything she just did.
What ever happened to that guy that you went on that date with who told you not to drink vodka?
So this is a weird story. This guy and I met in LA and we hooked up in LA, and then we came back and found out that we both lived here, so we came back here and we had seen each other maybe four times before we filmed that date, but that was our first date. We went out after that to Rosé Bar and he ended up trying to hook up with one of my friends that night, so I’ve never talked to him again. I didn’t even tell him it was airing.
Was it as bad as it looked?
Honestly it was, it was a full hour of that. It was definitely awkward and very very bad, not the highlight of my dating career.
One thing that wasn’t clear, it’s not as interesting, but Carl went to the wedding with MY friend, so I knew the girl that was with him in Wisconsin, it was my other friend, which is also why he sent me a photo and I knew all along they were going.
Why did Carl even bother with Lauren if he clearly wasn’t even into her then?
I guess it’s just the romance of summer love. I honestly can’t really explain it.
What about Kyle and Amanda?
They are still together, actually, I love Amanda. First, she makes Kyle a better person, she reigns him in, she keeps track of him, but still lets the fun side out.
Any parting thoughts you want to leave us with?
That one girl that Kyle went on the date with, that Russian girl…I still think a prostitute. I said it in my interviews, but they cut it out. They’re like, “you can’t say that.” I was listening to a podcast that was like “you should never trust a girl who carries a little backpack everywhere she goes in the Hamptons.”
Follow Stephen on Twitter and call your Congressmen/tweet at Bravo to bring back Summer House!
It’s a sad, sad day for Summer House lovers—all 17 of us. Last night marked the finale of the show, and I for one hope it gets renewed for a second season. I might be the only one. But that’s okay. For now, let’s reminisce and get into this recap.
This narration by Kyle is a STRETCH. “Lauren and Carl met the first weekend and fell in love.” Kyle of all people should be well aware that fucking =/= being in love.
Kyle: For me the summer was all about figuring out if I’m ready for a relationship.
Inner Kyle: Which we all know the answer is no.
We open on Kyle and Amanda’s confrontation.
I just think it’s laughable that Kyle is only admitting to “kissing” other people. Like, Amanda, if you think he only kissed these girls you need professional help for this level of delusion. I buy that just about as much as I buy Nick and Vanessa’s relationship will last. Shameless plug to the Bachelor finale recap!
Kyle: I’m just being 100% honest with you because I don’t want to disrespect you.
Another way to not disrespect the woman you’re trying to date is by refraining from making out with randoms ON CAMERA. Pro tip!
Kyle is just trying to “figure himself out” just like every girl in your sorority who travels through Europe after graduation.
Kyle: *goes off for 10 minutes about how much of a fuckboy he’s been* but it all makes me realize… I want to be in a relationship with you.
Kyle’s been watching too many romantic comedies. This shit doesn’t work in the real world. It can’t, right?
And after 10 episodes, Amanda has finally found her dignity! She is like “I don’t need this” and walks off. YAS. GET IT. And by “it” I mean “respect.”
Ashley: I’m going home after this weekend so whatever happens this weekend, it’s done.
I’m still trying to make sense of that sentence. Tune in next season, when I may finally figure it out.
Lauren is saying how the clock is against her and Carl like they don’t both live in the same city. This is not summer camp, you guys can still hang out after this is over. You know that, right?
I feel like Kyle is only Cristina’s ally because he doesn’t give enough of a fuck about anything to get involved in drama that doens’t affect him personally, and not out of any sort of loyalty.
Everett sits Lindsey down and is like “the past few months have tested the fabric of our relationship” but your relationship only began a few months ago. So…?
Everett sat her down and had this scary talk to basically confirm that he still wants to move in with her? What was the point of that? Oh right, ratings.
Lindsey: What am I gonna do, move in and move out when we fight and then move back in?
THAT’S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T MOVE IN!!! Has nobody brought this up?
Where can I get one of those rosé cocktails in a mason jar? Jello shots out of a syringe = goals.
What is this random Walmart-brand Fifth Harmony?
LMAO this is so terrible. I’m all for team lip sync. Kyle, you’re wasted, so it’s understandable you can’t tell when people are mouthing over a back track. Just let the girls have this.
Why is Kyle taking it so personally that Cristina said those performers were lip syncing? Why was THAT the straw that broke the camel’s back? Did he personally hire this group or something?
Cristina: You just hurt two people who really care about you.
Kyle: I’m done with you and me.
Well I’m glad they weren’t both just overly dramatic. Congrats, you just ended a friendship over lip syncing. New high.
Carl: This summer has made Lauren and I better friends and better communicators.
Translation: I will never be this girl’s boyfriend.
Carl: I want to focus on tomorrow, not yesterday. We have so much fun together.
Please see the above translation and multiply that by five.
Stephen and Ashley looking on in disgust is me when I see any type of PDA.
Ashley is basically like “It’s the last weekend of this house so I’m just gonna stop wasting my energy trying to break this up.” Well, that’s one way to mind your own business.
I love that Cristina came in with the receipts of the definition of meddling. Like, sorry, #UnpopularOpinion time, but I don’t think exposing someone’s bullshit to the person they’re trying to hide it from is meddling. Don’t hate the player, hate yourself for doing something that warrants being exposed.
The night concludes in a much-needed white girl twerking break.
Ashley: Even though I’m married I can hang. I can totally hang.
Amanda isn’t feeling well and Kyle’s like, “You need food. You need nutrients. I can’t be all that.” I don’t have any real commentary other than that Kyle thinks he could be considered nutrients.
Carl cut and run in the middle of a conversation at the bar last night. That is kind of professional level fuckboyatry. Fuckboyatry, noun, the act of being a fuckboy, coming soon to Webster’s dictionary.
AND HE COMES BACK WITH A RANDOM GIRL! Wow, I am like not really shocked. More like impressed at this level of wizardry. I can’t even lie to my parents when they ask if I’m going on a date…how do you do that??
Behold, the smoking gun camera glare:
YAS of course King Stephen saw Carl sneak that girl out in the morning.
Stephen: I honestly can’t wait to see the fallout from all this. *eats from a giant bag of popcoorn*
I am cackling. Can Stephen just get his own spinoff show? STEPHEN’S HOUSE. I think I speak for all 17 fans when I say we’d totally watch it.
Kyle: Hey Carl, thanks for being douche level times 1,000 so I look like a good guy in comparison.
I mean, Kyle is not wrong… and this is why I don’t date. Okay, Dad??
Cristina’s pulling an Angelina and leaving the
Jersey Shore Summer House early. Everyone’s just sitting there quietly sipping their drinks while Cristina talks about how nobody likes her. Womp.
I’m so glad that Cristina grabbing the giant bottle of rosé and leaving was not pre-planned at all. Still, I appreciated that obviously scripted moment.
Everyone’s just like “meh, wanna go get lunch?”
I actually respect Ashley’s ability to not say “I told you so” to Lauren. Because I thought she’d be all over that.
Carl is hungover and feels like shit and calls a doctor. If that ain’t karma I don’t know what is. But honestly, if you have to get an IV to deal with a hangover you’re the biggest pussy on the planet. But also like, can I get one?
Oh wow we’re really gonna bring Lindsey’s mom into this. Wow, Bravo. That’s fucked up. What won’t you do for ratings?
Well that was obviously extremely underwhelming for Lindsey, which is typically what happens when you call an estranged family member out of the blue after not talking to them for eight years.
Stephen: I’m excited to endure the torture of dating in New York City.
^New Tinder bio.
This confrontation between Lauren and Carl is like, pretty anticlimactic. Lauren is just done.
GO LAUREN. REJECTING CARL. It only took 10 episodes for her to grow a spine but
at least she’s not Amanda better late than never. Feminism seems to be the theme of this episode. I am living for it.
Ok Lauren, you had your moment of pride. You don’t need to sit here and psychoanalyze Carl and tell him he’s self-sabotaging. Just take the high road, take your W, and go.
Their last dinner. Their last hurrah. I may or may not be tearing up a little as I watch this.
I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.
Lindsey: Carl and Lauren have a connection. When Carl flirts with me I just melt a little.
….huh?? When was this about you?
*Resisting the urge to Urban Dictionary “hot Carl”*
Kyle gives Amanda flowers … uhhh that’s kind of sweet I guess.
The night ends how I thought it would: with a gratuitous skinny dipping scene.
In the morning Amanda is like to Kyle, “I just don’t want you to think everyone’s back to normal.” Kyle’s face is like, “Bitch, you ain’t see the flowers I bought you?”
Ughhhhh after all that shit Amanda wants to be with Kyle. Other people’s happiness only makes me more despondent. Hi, I’m Sgt. Olivia Betchson and I’m dead inside.
Alright I don’t need to recap this 10-minute goodbye scene. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. To the fans: It’s been real writing these recaps; I can only hope they’ll do another season so I get to do it all again. To all the cast members who read my recaps: thanks for the love and I promise I will turn all of you into a meme at some point. To the ones who didn’t: Who do you think you are? This show is nothing without my recaps. I like, invented you.
Until next summer. HAGS.