Joe Biden had a message for the nation, and it was: The aviators are back, baby! For those of us who remember Uncle Joe’s VP days, his State of the Union address was a vintage performance. He was folksy; he was charming; he was assertive, and with the Republican congressional delegation acting like 7 year olds on sugar. He was the adult in the room.
The heckling from the GOP was the highlight of the night, from the loud and deeply meme-able Marjorie Taylor Greene in her Cruella phase to multiple people calling Biden a murderer as he described the impact of fentanyl deaths. You’d think that after the public humiliation of that interminable Speaker vote and their comical debt ceiling threats, congressional Republicans would at least try to fake sober statecraft to improve their standing. Instead, they were so raucous and wild that Ole Joe Biden was running rings around them on national television.
At one point, as Republicans shouted at him for calling out their plans to cut Social Security and Medicare in order to successfully shrink the national budget, Biden goaded them into an internationally-broadcast agreement via standing ovation not to touch the programs in any budget deal. T’was some masterful shit. And it was perfectly timed for Biden, because exposing the GOP for what they are helped distract from what he’s not.
Despite the theatrics of his opponents, Uncle Joe provided little more than tweaks to the status quo. Long minutes were spent (rightly) excoriating major companies and wealthy individuals for hoarding cash and profits at a high cost to society, but vanishingly few specifics were offered on how this will change. Biden generated thunderous Democratic applause for capping the cost of insulin for everyone (not just seniors) and expanding Medicaid, but said little to nothing about expiring COVID support from the federal government or the calamitous impact the virus has had on our so-called healthcare system. And even as the Dobbs decision provided the animating force to neutralize the factors of an anticipated “red wave,” abortion was a blink-and-you-miss-it moment in Biden’s national address.
So in a way, this successful State of the Union was a display of Biden at his best and his worst. He gave as good as he got to an out-of-pocket GOP, but was giving nothing, honey, to the base. But whether you’re cheering him for reveling in Republican rowdiness or disappointed in his reticent refusal of radicalism, one thing was made very clear last night: Joe Biden is here to stay.
The hottest club in Washington DC tonight is the State of the Union! Anyone who is anyone (on the hill) has the exclusive invite and this year they’re bringing more guests than ever. It’s the first SOTU since the longest government shutdown in American history (remember that?) So who is on the invite list?
Well along with the usual suspects aka the Senate and House of Representatives, there will be an onslaught of new faces at the event this evening. Lawmakers are specifically bringing guests to piss of Trump, which is a party power move and we must respect it as such. Here is who we will be seeing in the hallowed halls of the House Chamber.
1. Elizabeth Warren
2020 hopeful Elizabeth Warren is bringing a government worker who was affected by the shutdown. Oh, the shade!
Glad to announce Sajid Shahriar will be my #SOTU guest. He’s a MA federal worker and union leader who went 35 days without a paycheck during the #TrumpShutdown. Government workers like Sajid shouldn’t be used as bargaining chips. They deserve better. https://t.co/EtnraHIAr3
— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) February 4, 2019
2. Dick Durbin
Dick Durbin also went the “remind everyone Trump shut down the government” route by inciting an air traffic controller!
President Trump’s shutdown was a kick in the gut to Toby Hauck & all air traffic controllers. Their stories & pleas to reopen the government in the name of public safety stopped this President from inflicting more damage to our country. I’m honored to have Toby as my #SOTU guest. pic.twitter.com/DR6gcGghvo
— Senator Dick Durbin (@SenatorDurbin) February 4, 2019
3. AOC
I mean, we all knew Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would bring out the big guns. She’ll be attending the SOTU with the activist famous for yelling at Jeff Flake in an elevator over the Kavanaugh nomination.
I’m proud to announce that my #StateOfTheUnion guest will be @AnaMariaArchil2.
Ana Maria is the NY14-er who famously jumped into the elevator with Sen. Flake to elevate the stories of survivors everywhere.
She‘s living proof that the courage within all of us can change the ?. https://t.co/OLSeNbP4Z2
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) February 4, 2019
4. Rep. Chris Pappas
Chris Pappas is out here reminding us that trans troops are already serving in the military, and that their sacrifice won’t be forgotten no matter what the administration’s policies are.
My guest for the #SOTU will be Tavion Dignard, a transgender Navy veteran. The Trump Admin’s transgender service ban makes America less safe and politicizes our military; everyone who is fit to serve should be treated equally. I’m proud to welcome to Tavion to the People’s House. pic.twitter.com/LLjWUoZYav
— Congressman Chris Pappas (@RepChrisPappas) February 3, 2019
5. Rep. Sharice Davids
Freshman Rep. Sharice Davids is bringing a health care advocate with her. Which party was it that wanted to repeal Obamacare again?
My guest at this year’s State of the Union will be Laura Robeson – proud mom to Danny & fierce health care advocate. Laura is passionate about making sure Danny & all kids have access to the care they need.
Read more: https://t.co/U7cnH0VaCw pic.twitter.com/ijmlFwJwom— Congresswoman Sharice Davids (@RepDavids) January 30, 2019
As is the case with all parties, there will be some guests in attendance who are not as much the vibe and everyone is low-key wondering why they’re invited.
First Lady Melania Trump
Far be it for any of us to say a child should be bullied or should not be at the SOTU just because he has an unfortunate last name, but isn’t it kind of rude to bring a bullied child to a speech by biggest bully on Earth? Just a thought…
Joshua Trump, 11, who has been bullied for his last name is among President Trump’s #SOTU guests. https://t.co/dx7gE5Ykkb
— Twitter Moments (@TwitterMoments) February 5, 2019
Rep/Goblin Steve King
Actual white supremacist who serves in our government Steve King invited Diamond and Silk, two Trump supporting YouTube ladies who conservatives are obsessed with. Congrats to them?
Having only one ticket, I invited one of two guests for the State of the Union tonight, #sotu Lynnette Hardaway & Rochelle Richardson, otherwise know as Diamond & Silk. Diamond won the coin toss. Both will be my guest speakers at COS in the morning. pic.twitter.com/bCutypAOoJ
— Steve King (@SteveKingIA) February 5, 2019
Of course there is one person who will not be at the SOTU this evening and that is the designated survivor in case everyone is blown to smithereens in the House Chamber. Imagine being lucky enough to not have to listen to Trump talk for an hour.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Last night millions of people tuned in to see if the President of the United States could pull off the incredible task of reading a pre-written script. A warning to all future American presidents: be careful not to trip over the bar set so low before you. As it turns out, Trump can, in fact, read. Am I surprised? Truly. Am I impressed? Are you fucking kidding? A presidenting being literate should not be making headlines.
But just because Trump managed to deliver a speech without referring to entire nations as “shitholes,” doesn’t mean that the State of the Union was…good. I mean, it was essentially a racist, sexist smoked ham standing at a podium and saying a bunch of vague shit that was mostly untrue, and being met with applause breaks from his army of skanks Republicans. The only good part of last night was people taking to twitter to drag Trump’s lumpy ass. We put together a list of the most savage tweets about the #SOTU for your viewing pleasure. Spoiler alert: a lot of them are from our own Twitter account because sometimes you have to put your shame aside and face the fact that you are the best in the mothafuckin game.
@Betches_Sup
When you realize there's no one to blame but yourself #StateOfTheUnion #SOTU pic.twitter.com/5t9rGXNGHh
— The Betches Sup (@Betches_Sup) January 31, 2018
@patwiselive
Can’t wait for the 3 Doors Down concert after this
— pat wise (@patwiselive) January 31, 2018
@HireMeImFunny
#SOTU pic.twitter.com/5o1CBlLaY0
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) January 31, 2018
@aparnapkin
we got "praise be" and "under his eye" on the 1s and 2s pic.twitter.com/MVIQhEKwZB
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 31, 2018
@Betches_Sup…again
"All I wanted was to take pictures and look pretty. How did I end up here?" #StateoftheUnion #SOTU pic.twitter.com/AjvJFj8h3b
— The Betches Sup (@Betches_Sup) January 31, 2018
@suesmith666
I can’t watch this shit. #sotu pic.twitter.com/mHirAMesRW
— Sue Smith (@suesmith666) January 31, 2018
@KeatonPatti
Wow. #SOTU pic.twitter.com/i5oP2GCqBC
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) January 31, 2018
@mariskreizman
Beautiful clean Cole. pic.twitter.com/cyUt8AjIbf
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) January 31, 2018
@NoahGarfinkel
Why would you not just also tan the eye bags?
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) January 31, 2018
@SarahKSilverman
“I like big round titties. I like em big and round like grapefruits. But they’re not really grapefruits. They’re titties.” -Donald J. Trump, #sotu
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) January 31, 2018
@samttaggart
A fun state of the union address would be to walk up to the podium and be like "ehhhh….well it aint GOOD" and then leave
— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) January 30, 2018
@lasteve423
I am not entirely certain, but I think the White House has recast the role of Barron Trump for the second season. #SOTU #StateOfTheUnion pic.twitter.com/J4CIdWPaeT
— S B Hammel (@lasteve423) January 31, 2018
And One More Time for @Betches_Sup
Cory Booker is so pissed off his eyes are going in two different directions. #StateOfTheUnion pic.twitter.com/GNHZHElTuE
— The Betches Sup (@Betches_Sup) January 31, 2018
I guess the moral of the story is that the state of the union is…no bueno, and you should follow @Betches_Sup on Twitter.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
The State of the Union was last night and over 33 million people tuned in to hear our president speak. As with anything Trump-related, the big question of the night was, “Will he do something totally fucking crazy?” and the answer, fortunately, was no. I mean, as long as you’re not counting the fact that a thrice-divorced reality TV star who has sex with porn stars and eats McDonalds in bed is the president, it was all p. normal.
The event started at 9pm and lasted over and hour and twenty minutes (RIP to all those who died while playing our SOTU drinking game – your contributions to the War On Sobriety will not be forgotten) so for those of you who turned it off at the 40 minute mark, here’s everything you need to know to pretend you’re an engaged citizen
The Hype Portion
The craziest part of the night came two seconds in, when some rando announced the President of the United States, and Donald Trump came out.
RANDO: Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!
ME: I am not drunk enough for this.
Lol Paul Ryan had one line tonight and he blew it. You know what they say – being the most unpopular politician in America is a 24/7 job.
Trump starts out the speech employing a tactic that I often use at work meetings: shouting out people who are good at their job to deflect how bad you are at your own. He shouted out Coast Guard officers that helped with hurricane relief, firefighters, and Congressman Steve Scalise – aka the Congressman who was shot by a rogue crazy during a bipartisan Congressional baseball game. Hard not to get applause on any of these.
TRUMP: A new tide of optimism is sweeping across our land…
ME:
We got a “Make America Great Again” within the first 5 minutes, meaning that was when I took my first shot. Casual reminder the speech was an hour and twenty minutes long.
TRUMP: …Melania is here
MELANIA (in Slovenian): Keep my name outcha mouth.
TBH every time they cut to Melania she appears to hate him more. Like this is the exact face I make when my boyfriend says some dumb shit in public that I can’t wait to roast him for when we get home:
ME every time the first lady is on screen: Girl, blink twice if you need help. Blink three times if you need edibles. I gotchu on both.
Okay can Paul Ryan maybe lean over and tell the president to stop clapping so loudly into the mic? Also to stop clapping *for himself*? You’re a reality star dude, you should actually know this stuff.
The look on the Congressional Black Cacus’ faces when Trump shouted out the African American unemployment rate is literally a renewable energy source. Like, it could fuel the Earth for the next 100 years.
TRUMP: African American unemployment…amiright?
CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CACUS:
Trump shouts out the tax cuts and the Republicans in the house start going crazy like they’re frat bros who just won a low-stakes game of beer pong.
TRUMP: Tax Cuts
REPUBLICANS:
Omg Preston
The best part of the night, obviously, was the introduction of Preston, a 12-year-old boy who everyone low-key thought was Barron until we saw him close up.
ME: Wait, but where *is* Barron tho?
TRUMP: Here tonight is Preston Sharp, a 12-year-old boy from Redding California who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Preston” a job well done.
ME: …so like can Preston be president then?
The Real Shit
Ah, we’re at the part of the night where he’s going to talk about his policy proposals. *takes three shots in anticipation*
TRUMP: We have ended the war on beautiful clean coal!
AMERICA:
TRUMP: Let’s make prescription drugs cheaper for all!
TRUMP 10 minutes later: Let’s make it harder for people to get addicted to prescription drugs!!!!!
Every time they cut to Ted Cruz clapping I think about how Trump straight up called his wife ugly and accused his dad of killing JFK, but like now they’re cool because tax cuts.
I wish I loved anything the way Republicans love tax cuts, TBH. I’d have a much richer (literally) life.
Did anybody else notice that every time Trump got applause he turned to Paul Ryan, who would whisper “good job” or some shit? It’s like he’s a child at a recital whose surprised everyone by not peeing himself yet.
“Trade relationships should be RECIPROCAL!” – Donald Trump, a man who has 100% never reciprocated oral in his life.
TRUMP: Tonight I am calling on Congress to produce a bill that generates at least $1.5 trillion for new infrastructure investment we need.
EVERYONE: Wait hmm that actually sounds like a good idea.
ME: omg omg does this mean he’s going to fix the Subway???
What the actual proposal is: The Trump Administration wants to put $1.5 trillion into infrastructure (aka streets and transportation and shit), and would include Congress redirecting $200 billion of federal funds to Amtrak and transit programs over the next 10 years, while also looking for hundreds of millions more from cities, states, and the private sector.
The pros: America actually really needs this – half of our mass transit systems have gotten a ‘D’ or more and that also includes schools, roads, and drinking water systems. A ‘D’ might be okay for passing your freshman math requirement – it’s not so great when we’re talking about drinking water.
The cons: It’s hard to see how we can actually pay for this with the tax cut and Trump’s whole obsession with building a wall. Also, public-private sector partnerships like the one being proposed here tend to work better in urban areas.
Immigration
Aaaaaand it’s crazy time. Shout out to all my bad hombres out there – it’s time to chug your drinks.
Trump spend the first half of his immigration talk shouting out families in the audience who were the victims of violent crimes by immigrants. He’s like a racist DJ Khaled.
*Family of fallen teenager senselessly lost to gang violence stands for applause*
TRUMP:
Casual reminder that there is literally no political party who says it’s cool for MS-13 gang members to come into the country. Sadly feel like it’s necessary to point that out right now. Also, if you’re mad about gang violence, wait til you hear about gun violence – it’s like gang violence’s older, meaner cousin.
TRUMP: and here we have Special Agent Celestino Martinez. He goes by DJ. Or CJ. He said I can call him both. I’m going to call him CJ.
ME: Who the f goes by both CJ and DJ?
TRUMP: The first pillar of our framework offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age…
DEMOCRATS: Omg yay!
TRUMP: …AND IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS DREAMERS, OUR SECOND PILLAR REQUIRES THE BLOOD OF EVERY FIRST BORN MEXICAN BABY
DEMS: Wait, what?
TRUMP: THIS IS GENEROUS!!!!!
What the actual proposal is: The White House proposal backs a 12-year path to citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers, in exchange for yuuuuuge changes to the legal immigration system, and $25 billion for the border wall.
The pros: I mean, citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers is pretty legit.
The cons: First of all, pretty sure Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall. Second of all, the changes proposed would restrict legal immigration to the lowest levels since the 1920s. It prevents people from sponsoring parents, adult children, or siblings for U.S. citizenship and ends the diversity visa lottery in favor of a merit-based replacement. In Trump terms, this basically means less people from so-called ‘shithole’ countries, and more white people “skilled workers”.
TRUMP: We want to put an end to chain migration
DEMOCRATS: Boo!
ME: WOOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDSTAR
Seriously, you could see in that moment when Trump got booed that he was like, about to lose it. Is it weird that I’m low-key proud of him for not immediately going rogue, cursing out Chuck Shumer and throwing burger patties into the crowd? Baby steps…
Mood At this Point:
North Korea
Told; North Korea is bad. No new info here. The President didn’t call Kim Jong Un fat or anything which is good.
TRUMP: I’d like to introduce you to Ji Seong-Ho, who bravely escaped North Korea, on crutches, with one leg. He now has a new leg, though I hear he still keeps his old —
ME (drunk): LEG!?? OMG DOES HE KEEP THE LEG?!?
TRUMP: Crutches
ME: Oh that…makes a lot more sense
The Big Finale
TRUMP: Atop the dome of the capital stands the Statue of Freedom. She stands tall and dignified among the monuments…monuments to Washington and Jefferson…and freedom stands tall over one more monument: This Capitol. This living monument…
ME: Say monument again.
Trump: Thank you and God Bless America
Me: Omg. We did it. We survived.
Only three more of these to go. Unless – IDK – the president is removed from office for some crazy reason.
Accurate Depiction Of Me For The Rest Of The Trump Presidency:
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Tonight marks Trump’s first State of the Union address, and it’s pretty safe to say that the whole country will be watching to see how off the rails he goes from any eloquent, planned script his speechwriters are desperately hoping he reads. Because no one should ever have to tolerate a self-important former reality star delivering any sort of important speech for more than the length of an Instagram story, here’s a drinking game to help you cope. Cheers, betches!
Take A Sip When
· Trump mentions DACA, Dreamers, or immigrants.
· Trump uses the words “big,” “huge,” “tremendous,” “excellent,” or “of all time.”
· Someone in the audience is low-key sleeping.
· Trump mentions how many jobs he is going to create – by taxing clean energy sources and increasing infrastructure construction.
· Trump brags about how he’s doing a great job as president.
· You remember he is doing the opposite of a great job as president.
· Paul Ryan’s hair peak is sharper than your winged eyeliner.
· We cut to one of Trump’s guests in the audience and they look awkward af.
· Bernie Sanders (or any Democrat) looks furious.
· Trump stops to take a sip of water using both of his hands – you must use both hands with your drink as well.
Take A Shot If
· Trump is actually wearing a red MAGA hat, or a MAGA hat is seen in the crowd.
· You spot Melania giving the two-blink signal to come and save her from this hell smiling and pretending to give a fuck.
· You remember Obama’s eloquence and mourn the fact that he won’t be giving any more of these speeches.
· Trump makes any mention of how healthy and fit he is.
· Trump openly drags Kim Jong Un or threatens North Korea again.
· Trump stops in the middle of his speech to tweet in real-time.
Chug When
· Trump mentions the Tax Bill.
· Trump repeatedly insists on our need for a wall – and take an extra sip if he assures us that Mexico will pay for it.
· Trump blames China for anything/everything.
· You hear the pitter-patter of rich, white men clapping.
· Mike Pence nods along in the background like a porcelain doll bobblehead.
· Trump tells a blatant lie.
Finish Your Drink When
· Rep. Joe Kennedy (D-Mass) just throws his hands up in a “does anything matter anymore?” gesture as his response to the address.
· You remember that we have 3 more years of this and declare it necessary to be blackout for the remainder of his term in office (just remember to fight through the hangover and sober up for Midterm Elections!!!).
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
