Besides rabbits, let’s face it, no one really gets excited about salads. They’re green, ew, and healthy, also ew. To be honest, salads were never really my thing, but then I saw the Kardashians eating a giant-ass salad, so I ate a giant-ass salad, and gained a fresh perspective. Long gone are the days of ordering simple, delicate, and boring af side salads so your date doesn’t *gasp* think you actually have a healthy appetite. Today, ordering a salad doesn’t mean you’ll have to disappoint your taste buds. I’ve tested it, and it is actually possible to have a salad that doesn’t drive you to tears. Say goodbye to your basic supermarket salad, and feast your eyes on the many ways to make your salad not basic.
Make It Insta-Worthy
An essential step into making your meal appealing is to make it not look so sad. You eat with your eyes first, which gives a whole new meaning to the song “Hungry Eyes.” So make your salad worthy of not just eating, but most importantly, posting. Because let’s be real, half the reason for eating a salad is to brag that you are eating a salad.
Pretend your salad is a bag of skittles and get ready to taste the rainbow. Think of it this way, adding a variety of color into your bowl means you may actually get away with a true #nofilter. Remember, we’re giving life back to your salad, so it’s time to think outside the mixing bowl. Tomatoes don’t have to be red and peppers don’t have to be green. Shoot for the stars, kids.
Also, there’s a reason presentation is a third of the judging on Chopped. Plating is essential. Once you have nailed down the ingredients, the next step is to display them in true influencer fashion. Chic and stylish. The best advice? Layer, don’t toss. Martha Stewart probably said that once. What it means is to lay all your vibrant fixings atop of your greens versus mixing them in to start. You can always toss it all once you’re ready to devour, just get the glamour shot first.
Get Creative With Your Crunch
It’s time to ditch the classic crouton. It’s like the guy you went on a date with that wouldn’t stop talking about his “sick Mustang”…boring. Seriously, there are so many better
boys toppings out there. Dream with me here. This is the time to go nuts, literally. Nuts are not only a great way to add texture, but they are a rich source of protein. Walnuts have heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which benefits your cholesterol. Sliced almonds are another first-class nut to add into the mix; they’re full of vitamin E and promote healthy digestion. Not a nut person? Not a problem. Seeds may sound like bird food, but you seriously haven’t experienced joy until you’ve had a salad with pumpkin seeds with watermelon, arugula, and feta cheese. Trust me on this—you can thank me later by commenting fire emojis on all my Instagram pictures. Lastly, but certainly not least: cheese. More specifically, crispy parmesan bits. Delicious on their own, and a serious upgrade to traditional croutons.
Superfoods And Healthy Fats
Adding superfoods and healthy fats into the mix will actually help make you feel full, and not crave a deep dish pizza immediately after. Superfoods, aka annoyingly healthy foods, and healthy fats, aka not bacon, give you the nutritional boost that your body desperately needs. If you are anything like me and are treating your body like a temple, then Temple must also be the name of your go-to nightclub. Your body is craving omega-3s, protein, and fiber; give them to it.
Nuts make another beneficial appearance, by helping to burn calories and satisfying you better than your ex (sorry not sorry, Trevor). Also, avocados are not just for toast. They can lower cholesterol levels, boost anti-inflammatory properties, and improve vascular health. Basically, adding avocados is an avoca-duh (I’m a professional, and I stand by that pun). Now, olive oil is a staple in most salad dressings, and for a good reason. It contains anti-inflammatory properties and antioxidants, everything you need in order to dress for success. Yes, that was another salad pun, and no, I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
Time For A DIY
Time to channel your inner Martha Stewart, Bobby Flay, or Guy Fieri. If those names failed to inspire you, then you can insert your favorite cooking show cliche here.
Kale Salad With Lemon Vinaigrette: (servings: 4, effort level: 10 minutes)
- 4 cups chopped kale
- 1 avocado, diced
- ½ cup cooked quinoa
- ½ cup pomegranate arils
- ½ cup chopped walnuts
- ¼ cup crumbled goat cheese
- ¼ cup olive oil
- ¼ cup apple cider vinegar
- 3 tablespoons lemon juice
- zest of 1 lemon
- 1 tablespoon sugar
Mix the vinaigrette ingredients together, and assemble your salad components in a bowl, and remember what Martha Stewart probably once said, layer, don’t toss. Next, take a picture so all this was worth it, and then eat it, or don’t, but you probably should just eat it.
In conclusion, eat a salad, it won’t kale you (last one, I promise).
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been tracking macros on MyFitnessPal. Initially, I was doing it to try and get back on Keto. (By “back on,” I mean I did it for two weeks before a vacation once.) Unsurprisingly, I bailed on Keto (nothing is low-carb enough!!!). and I then decided my #newyearnewme would be about counting macros instead. I’m currently using this calculator, which I found via this highly reliable fitness Instagram. I’m not even being sarcastic—there’s very good advice on there. My biggest challenge with macros so far has definitely been keeping my fat content in check. Within a week, I realized I knew way less about which foods are high fat than I thought. For example, I had a day of what I considered very healthy eating (salads! oats! grain bowls!), and then discovered my diet had been 60% fat. And this is why I have trust issues. So, I did some research into which of my “healthy” choices were causing that high fat content. I’m not talking about obvious fats—you should all know that baked goods are full of bad fats and avocados are full of good fats. These are the sources of fat you’re not as likely to guess as, say, a fried chicken sandwich or a BLT with mayo.
Disclaimer: Everyone’s dietary needs are different, and many diets may call for higher fat content. I am not advocating for a universal low-fat diet, so do not come for me. Rather, I am hoping this information may be illuminating to some of you (read: I don’t want to be the only one who didn’t already know all this).
I’ll be honest, I’ve never really known a lot about the nutrition content of falafel. It felt like a kind of dietary gray zone. Not as healthy as a vegetable, but probably better than cheese. Right? Not really. While trying to design a low-fat grain bowl at Tender Greens, I was pretty shocked to see that the steak topping was lower in fat than the falafel option. While falafel can be a healthy dish (the ingredients themselves are nutrient-rich), I’d somehow forgotten that it’s typically deep-fried. This adds, in scientific terms, a sh*t ton of fat to your meal. FWIW, the “baked falafel” option at Tender Greens was way healthier—but unless a menu specifies “baked,” you should assume it’s deep fried, and therefore higher in fat.
Tofu is a similar deal to falafel—it’s all about how it’s prepared. While tofu isn’t deep-fried quite as often as falafel (though still more often than you’d think), it’s really good at soaking up whatever it’s cooked in. And given that tofu on its own has just about zero flavor (it’s okay, we can all admit that), it’s usually cooked in a bunch of oils, sauces, etc. So tofu on its own? Low-fat, healthy option. But the way it’s usually prepared in restaurants can make it a higher-fat option than something like chicken.
Okay, this one errs more on the side of “foods we knew were high in fat.” But take a minute and actually consider how many “healthy options” feature nuts as a key ingredient. Protein bars that pride themselves on not adding sugar? Full of nuts. Overnight oats? Probably filled with nut butter (or WTF are you doing). Even a lot of salads and bowls will add nuts as a topping, plus, almonds are constantly touted as the ideal mid-afternoon snack. We also all know the problem with nuts—they are impossible to portion for how calorie-dense and fat-dense they are. And anyone who says they’re full after 6 almonds is a dirty liar.
So, while nuts are full of technically good fats, it’s still super easy to go over on your fat content goals if all the healthy options you’re choosing are nut-heavy. So if my breakfast included 2 tbsp of almond butter (18 grams of fat and it never feels like enough), maybe I don’t also have have a nut-based Lara Bar at 4pm (9 grams of fat), and snack on nuts at 6pm (19 grams of fat). That brings my fat content from nuts alone (not even the fun fats, like sauces and cheese and sugar) to 46 grams, when my daily goal is 48. (Let it be known that my total fat content for that day wound up being 90+ grams. This sh*t is hard!!!)
I know! I said this list would be about non-obvious sources of fat. Yet here I am basically listing the liquid form of fat and saying “surprise! This is fat.” Sue me, but also listen because this is probably the #1 thing that people forget to count in their diets. One tablespoon of olive oil has 14 grams of fat. One tablespoon of butter has 12 grams of fat. (The type of fat they offer is different. Here is a long article on different fats and how they affect you.) Even at home, I struggle to cook something edible using less than 2 tbsp of one of these. It can be super tempting to just log the one chicken breast you cooked in there, but unless you’re using a cooking spray, you have to account for the fats it absorbed.
Well, that’s the end of my tirade on fat, and now I never want to look at a nutrition label again! Remember, the worst thing you can do with your diet is eat in a way that makes you miserable, because you know that sh*t won’t last. My fat content is still way too high most days, but I’m figuring out what a low-fat day I can live with looks like. At least it’s not Keto!
You wake up, slowly. Open one eye and survey last night’s damage. Pounding headache. Nausea. A cut on your right kneecap, when the fuck did that happen? Face and pillowcase full of smeared makeup. Oops, one shoe still on. At least you’re in your own bed, although you can’t quite remember getting home. Pretty standard Saturday and/or Sunday morning.
Every self-respecting betch has figured out her signature hangover cure by now. Some have their scrambled eggs down to an art form. Others head straight to brunch and re-tox on mimosas and Bloody Marys. Russian betches eat pickles. Stoner betches light up.
You’re all doing it wrong.
My nutritionist (yes, I have a nutritionist, get over it) has imparted such wisdom that we should probably turn her clinic into some kind of altar. Betches all around the world will embark on pilgrimages to worship at her desk.
The best way to kill a hangover is to eat a salad.
How is this possible, you may ask. Why are all the brunch places serving up aesthetically-pleasing eggs and carbs when our hangovers could all be broken by a bowl of leafy greens? Answer: Because they’re fucking dumb too.
It actually makes sense if you think about it. Vegetables are packed full of water. Water is what your poor abused body needs. Chop up some lettuce or baby spinach or whatever and mix with any and all vegetables you have in the fridge. Bonus if it’s cucumber and celery which are like 80 percent water. Add healthy fats such as avocado and olive oil to help with the “healing process”—yes, she actually called it that.
You also get the bonus of not feeling like a cow after consuming several thousand alcohol calories and a heavy brunch in the same 24 hours.
I was skeptical too, betches. But trust me. This shit actually works. You’re welcome.
Is it Fall yet? Every time July/August hits we all become destined to repeat how much we miss sweaters and blankets and pumpkin spice lattes and scarves. We also greatly miss things like cheese, carbs, and hearty-ass shit that we can eat and get away with since layers are in. However, during summer, salads with lemon spiked drinks and like, a lot of alcohol are par for the course, so we say make a meal that you’ll actually enjoy eating. While eating a salad can sometimes feel like literal torture, we guarantee that this summer salad does not fall into the usual this-tastes-like-dirt-but-I-need-to-power-through vibe that most salads give off. Plus, it’s packed with so many toppings it’ll feel like you’re being bad without actually being bad and gaining 10 lbs. When we combine arugula with citrus and skrimps, we feel better than everyone else. We adapted this recipe from the NY Times,but made it easier for those of you who fucking suck at cooking or just like, don’t have time to pay attention to food and shit.
· 2 lbs raw shrimp, peeled and deveined
· 1 tsp garlic, finely chopped
· Red pepper
· 1 tsp smoked paprika
· 2 tbsps olive oil
· 2 tbsps plus 2 tsps fresh lemon juice
· Salt and pepper
· Mint leaves from one bunch
· Basil leaves
Preheat the broiler in your oven and move the rack as close as possible to the heat on top. Grab a big oven proof skillet and put it on the stove. Turn the heat to looooow. Grab your skrimps and combine them with the garlic, red pepper (honestly, however much you want or don’t want), paprika, salt and pepper to taste, 2 tbsps of the olive oil, and 2 tspsof the lemon juice.
Stir that shit until it’s all combined. Turn the heat on the skillet to high, and when it starts kind of smoking (SCARY), throw in the shrimp. Shake the pan a few times so all the shrimp get some attention, then put the skillet in the oven. The shrimp will be done in about 3-4 minutes, so keep an eye out unless you want some chewy sea-spiked bullshit.
While that shit cooks, chop up about a third of the mint and about half of the basil and set it aside. Tear up the remaining leaves and throw them into a bowl with the arugula where they can get to know each other. Grab another bowl and mix together the rest of the olive oil and lemon juice.
When the shrimps are done, use a slotted spoon to put them on a plate. In a bowl, add whatever juice is at the bottom of the shrimp skillet to the lemon juice and olive oil mixture and stir. Drizzle over the arugula and herb mix and toss. Arrange the shrimp on top and garnish with any leftover herbs.
Ah, salad. You know it’s good for you. You understand it’s life changing benefits. In theory, it is food. But in practice? Hard pass. Any time you order a salad for lunch, you go through four stages. The first is wondering how the fuck something made entirely out of things you can grow in your windowsill costs fifteen dollars. Like, excuse me but don’t mushrooms grow on shit? No bueno. The second, which lasts for about 30 seconds until you actually sit down to eat the thing, is immense personal pride in your good life choices. Are you a health and fitness guru now? Probs. Third is regret. Why did you do this to yourself? Is there anyone on Earth who actually enjoys eating this way? What could have possibly possessed you to get a salad, when a wrap would have been totally acceptable. Never again. Never forget. The final and most critical stage of salad eating usually comes once you realized you ate all of the croutons and there’s nothing left in your shiny plastic bowl but regret. This is the stage where you throw the entire thing in the trash and end up going to Chipotle. At least that shit is worth the $15.
Watch our video, “Internal Thoughts While Eating A Salad,” below!
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We’re not getting paid to say this, but whichever betch invented Sweetgreen is fucking brilliant. I mean, we’ve been eating salad at least twelve times a week forever, but Sweetgreen has managed to make us look somewhat normal for doing so.
For those of you who live under a rock—or like, in Kentucky or something—Sweetgreen is the holy grail of salad bars. Not only do the salads actually taste delicious, but the lunch line is literally longer than the one for Kanye’s Soho pop-up shop and is usually filled with a mix of trendy models and college interns picking up a Kale Caesar for like, the CEO of Twitter. Ordering is an artform, so you don’t want to fuck this up. Here’s how to navigate Sweetgreen like a betch:
First things first: get the app. The only things betches hate more than mixed-in dressings are long lines and human contact, so the Sweetgreen app is the best thing ever. You literally compile your salad, click to pay, input a pickup time, and show up. The only downside to ordering in advance is that they don’t mix in the ingredients for you, and shaking it yourself is exhausting. It’s still worth it though—and a good arm workout. At least, that’s what I tell myself after 17 straight days of avoiding the gym. Irregardless, at 1pm, your lunch is waiting for you on a wooden shelf and you didn’t even have to talk to one person in the process. The magic of modern technology.
The Warm Bowls
We usually opt for a customized salad, but the predetermined warm bowls are a respectable choice when you’re in a rush and can’t start weighing the pros and cons of romaine versus arugula. Kendrick Lamar collaborated with SG last year on their Beets Don’t Kale My Vibe bowl which we miss dearly, but the new selections are sick too. The Harvest Bowl is a go-to when you need a carb boost, and the Guacamole Greens is perfect if you’re craving Chipotle (but obviously it’s better for you).
The Custom Order
Customizing your own salad is a fucking science. A few basic rules: mix different types of lettuce, always get the sweet potato, only get the portobello mushrooms if they’re super dark, and try whatever’s in season. Sweetgreen prides itself on having ingredients straight from the farm, so take advantage of that because God knows the only time a betch will get close to a farm is if she gets forced into shoveling cow shit on a Bachelor group date.
The proteins at Sweetgreen are the icing on the cake, minus all the icing and all the cake because well, it’s salad. We recommend the chicken if you’re basic AF, but their sesame tofu is dope if you’re vegetarian—as long as you promise not to talk about it. The salmon is a staple too but make sure you ask for it separately so they don’t toss it in with the rest of the ingredients and fuck it up. Honestly, you can’t go wrong, and their cheese is good if you’re willing to eat dairy and you’re starving yourself. You don’t fuck with a girl and her feta salad post-spin class. You also don’t judge her (to her face) for saying yes to the bread.
If we were ordering at any other establishment, we’d obviously look down at anyone opting for dressing on their salad, and instead ask for a sprinkle of fresh lemon or a gust of wind. However, Sweetgreen’s dressings are actually made fresh everyday and there’s no shit in them. The Cucumber Tahini Yogurt is almost too creamy to be legitimately healthy, and yet it is. The Miso Sesame and Pesto are other go-to’s, or go for the Spicy Cashew if you want the heat. You really can’t go wrong, but don’t expect to find any of that Ranch or Thousand Island bullshit here. I mean, you can try Sears.
Related: Betch List 114. Salad
If you’ve ever watched KUWTK and wondered about those salads they always eat, you’re not alone. Where are the salads from? What exactly are in the salads? If I eat one of the salads, will Kim find out? These are all valid questions that are extremely worthy of your time. That’s why we decided to launch an investigation into these mysterious piles of lettuce to bring you all of the important details you need to know.
The salads come from a restaurant called The Health Nut, which is located in Calabasas, CA. It sells a variety of healthy items including sandwiches, smoothies and kombucha, but no one gives a fuck about any of those because the Kardashians don’t use them for sustenance. The Kardashians only order two types of salad: the Chef Salad and the Chinese Chicken Salad. If you eat anything else you might as well be eating food from the middle of fucking nowhere that only Kathy Griffith has ever tried.
The Chef Salad is pretty standard, and the ingredients include chicken, romaine and iceberg lettuce, shredded mozzarella, tomatoes, sprouts, and sunflower seeds. While this may sound simple enough to make on your own, don’t. That would only prove that you’re a fake fan who won’t go the extra mile to share the exact same diet as these amazing sisters who are best known for their impeccable taste in food. The other possible option is the Chinese Chicken Salad which contains chow mein noodles, pickled ginger, and carrots on romaine and iceberg lettuce. If you don’t like pickled ginger then that’s too bad because it’s Kourtney’s favorite part of the salad and therefore there are absolutely no substitutions.
The Iced Tea
When the Kardashians eat these salads, they always have iced tea to go with their meal. Specifically, they have a Mango Greentini, which contains green tea, mango juice, and honey. It costs $5.50, which might seem like a lot to pay for a drink if you’re poor and not a dedicated pseudo-Kardashian, but trust us that this stuff is the nectar of God herself, Kris Jenner.
Absolutely not. There are some lemon-flavored San Pellegrinos in the fridge but we’ve never seen the girls have one with their salads so they might just be for the maids. You could maybe have a Fiji water if you’re desperate for another drink, but anything else will put you at risk of having your own personal taste. Stick with the approved items above and you’ll be one step closer to living the best and most exciting part of the Kardashians’ glamorous lives: their salads!
With Groundhog Day coming up, we’re slowly being reminded that winter is almost over and it might be time to switch up our fitness routines. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Betches are all about routine. Like, we literally have a written list of all the shit we like doing. But as much as we love sticking to our favorite workouts and eating the same Sweetgreen salad four times a week, it can also be good to switch it up sometimes to keep shit from getting repetitive. Why do you think Bieber dyes his hair every three months? He gets bored, like the rest of us. Here are some swaps you should be making in your routine this month:
If You Always Go For The Elliptical Or Treadmill…
Try lifting weights. I mean, we’re not judging you for blasting Spotify’s Rap Caviar playlist while lightly jogging for thirty minutes, but if you’re bored of your light cardio routine and you’re wondering why you’re not toned AF yet, consider strength training. Most girls don’t realize that by weight-lifting, your body continues to burn calories even after the gym, and putting some muscle on will actually allow you to burn more calories at rest, like even on days where you’re lying on the couch watching This is Us.
If You Always Order The Salad…
Try a complex carb, or dare I suggest some healthy fats. You can only pretend you enjoy that spinach/tomato/low-fat Balsamic combo for so long before you start gagging at the thought of mixed greens. Salad is obviously healthy AF, but there are usually other healthy options on the menu too, and it’s okay to eat carbs and fat sources. Try ordering a whole wheat wrap or avocado toast on Ezekiel bread. It has a shit ton of fiber and lots of antioxidants, which will keep you full without making you fat. Is butter a carb?
If You Always Tap It Back….
Try doing bodyweight HIIT cardio instead. We love SoulCycle more than the blonde botoxed Long Island mom on the bike next to us, but sometimes you don’t need a 45-minute cycling class to get in your cardio fix. HIIT is all about getting your heart rate up and burning a ton of calories in a short amount of time, so you don’t even need to leave your house to get in a sick workout. Try spending fifteen minutes alternating cardio moves, like jump squats, burpees, and plyo lunges. You’ll surprised how sweaty you’ll get when you’re working in shorter intervals, and you don’t even need to pay an extra three dollars for water. Win-win.
If You Always Work Out At Night…
Try waking up early. No betch is naturally an early riser, but sometimes you need to push yourself to get shit done. Wake up, take an espresso shot, and haul your ass to the gym. Morning workouts will give you extra energy throughout the day and will give you more time to do your own thing after work instead of worrying about getting to the gym. Happy hour will feel so much more rewarding knowing you already worked out like, ten hours earlier. Who knew life existed before 10am?
If You Always Go To Yoga Or Barre…
Try a Pilates class on The Reformer. Yoga is great for flexibility and barre movements will elongate your muscles, but pilates will take your bodyweight planks to the next level and tone almost every muscle in your body. The Reformer machine will strengthen the muscles you don’t usually hit with yoga poses or barre moves, and it’s easy enough on your joints to prevent injuries. You’ll end up shaking and sweating more in the first few minutes than you do in your 90 minute heated Vinyasa. Get on the machine.
If You Always Hit Up The Sauna Afterwards…
Try Cryotherapy. Sweating it out in the sauna after a workout feels amazing, but that’s yesterday’s news. The Cryotherapy method is the newest fitness recovery trend and it basically entails standing in a deep-freezing tank for less than five minutes. The shock of the freezing air on your body is supposed to help you lose weight, reduce muscle soreness, and even help you sleep better. Celebs like Yolanda Hadid and Derek Hough swear by their Cryotherapy sessions, and it’s literally taking over Hollywood faster than the La La Land soundtrack. Book a session.