We’re not getting paid to say this, but whichever betch invented Sweetgreen is fucking brilliant. I mean, we’ve been eating salad at least twelve times a week forever, but Sweetgreen has managed to make us look somewhat normal for doing so.
For those of you who live under a rock—or like, in Kentucky or something—Sweetgreen is the holy grail of salad bars. Not only do the salads actually taste delicious, but the lunch line is literally longer than the one for Kanye’s Soho pop-up shop and is usually filled with a mix of trendy models and college interns picking up a Kale Caesar for like, the CEO of Twitter. Ordering is an artform, so you don’t want to fuck this up. Here’s how to navigate Sweetgreen like a betch:
First things first: get the app. The only things betches hate more than mixed-in dressings are long lines and human contact, so the Sweetgreen app is the best thing ever. You literally compile your salad, click to pay, input a pickup time, and show up. The only downside to ordering in advance is that they don’t mix in the ingredients for you, and shaking it yourself is exhausting. It’s still worth it though—and a good arm workout. At least, that’s what I tell myself after 17 straight days of avoiding the gym. Irregardless, at 1pm, your lunch is waiting for you on a wooden shelf and you didn’t even have to talk to one person in the process. The magic of modern technology.
The Warm Bowls
We usually opt for a customized salad, but the predetermined warm bowls are a respectable choice when you’re in a rush and can’t start weighing the pros and cons of romaine versus arugula. Kendrick Lamar collaborated with SG last year on their Beets Don’t Kale My Vibe bowl which we miss dearly, but the new selections are sick too. The Harvest Bowl is a go-to when you need a carb boost, and the Guacamole Greens is perfect if you’re craving Chipotle (but obviously it’s better for you).
The Custom Order
Customizing your own salad is a fucking science. A few basic rules: mix different types of lettuce, always get the sweet potato, only get the portobello mushrooms if they’re super dark, and try whatever’s in season. Sweetgreen prides itself on having ingredients straight from the farm, so take advantage of that because God knows the only time a betch will get close to a farm is if she gets forced into shoveling cow shit on a Bachelor group date.
The proteins at Sweetgreen are the icing on the cake, minus all the icing and all the cake because well, it’s salad. We recommend the chicken if you’re basic AF, but their sesame tofu is dope if you’re vegetarian—as long as you promise not to talk about it. The salmon is a staple too but make sure you ask for it separately so they don’t toss it in with the rest of the ingredients and fuck it up. Honestly, you can’t go wrong, and their cheese is good if you’re willing to eat dairy and you’re starving yourself. You don’t fuck with a girl and her feta salad post-spin class. You also don’t judge her (to her face) for saying yes to the bread.
If we were ordering at any other establishment, we’d obviously look down at anyone opting for dressing on their salad, and instead ask for a sprinkle of fresh lemon or a gust of wind. However, Sweetgreen’s dressings are actually made fresh everyday and there’s no shit in them. The Cucumber Tahini Yogurt is almost too creamy to be legitimately healthy, and yet it is. The Miso Sesame and Pesto are other go-to’s, or go for the Spicy Cashew if you want the heat. You really can’t go wrong, but don’t expect to find any of that Ranch or Thousand Island bullshit here. I mean, you can try Sears.