What Really Happens When You Eat A Salad

Ah, salad. You know it’s good for you. You understand it’s life changing benefits. In theory, it is food. But in practice? Hard pass. Any time you order a salad for lunch, you go through four stages. The first is wondering how the fuck something made entirely out of things you can grow in your windowsill costs fifteen dollars. Like, excuse me but don’t mushrooms grow on shit? No bueno. The second, which lasts for about 30 seconds until you actually sit down to eat the thing, is immense personal pride in your good life choices. Are you a health and fitness guru now? Probs. Third is regret. Why did you do this to yourself? Is there anyone on Earth who actually enjoys eating this way? What could have possibly possessed you to get a salad, when a wrap would have been totally acceptable. Never again. Never forget. The final and most critical stage of salad eating usually comes once you realized you ate all of the croutons and there’s nothing left in your shiny plastic bowl but regret. This is the stage where you throw the entire thing in the trash and end up going to Chipotle. At least that shit is worth the $15.

Watch our video, “Internal Thoughts While Eating A Salad,” below!

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.