What You Need To Know About The $2 Trillion Coronavirus Relief Package

Well, well, well, look who decided to do their jobs. After a contentious few days of disagreeing on what tf should be included in the coronavirus bill, it is starting to look like Democrats, Republicans and the White House have agreed that economic collapse occasioned by a global pandemic should have some sort of financial remedy.

Democrats received some heat after rejecting the original coronavirus bill drafted by Republicans, but it looks as though their move has paid off. Revisions have been made that will support working people and, stay with me here, not give a blank check to big businesses.

Gotta love when your government is like, “UGH okay, FINE, we’ll consider the value of human lives as opposed to the value of money, a concept that is literally made up.”

Passed by the Senate late last night, the final product is the largest economic stimulus in modern history. Even bigger than 2009.

So, what exactly is included in this bad boy? I’m gonna break that down for you, hon. No, no, it’s really no problem. I’ve been able to set aside some time in my VERY busy quarantined schedule. Had to postpone sitting in my room and staring at the wall/screaming for this. You’re welcome.

The $500 Billion Loan Program for Businesses Will Have A Babysitter

The main ish Dems had with the Republican’s bill was how it gave so much to businesses and appeared to allow the Trump Admin to decide willy nilly which businesses get what amount, which they cannot be trusted to do since exchanging cash for political favors is one of Trump’s favorite past times.

Now, the “corporate slush fund” at least has some checks and balances. There will likely be an appointed inspector and congressional committee which will oversee the funds. theoretically, this means big biz can’t just use the bailouts to give themselves raises and buy back their stocks (**cough post-2008 recession cough**) instead of hiring back their workers.

It also means Trump can’t just be like, “$500 billion to Trump hotels and none for Gretchen Wieners anyone else.” In fact, Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office announced they secured a provision that will “prohibit businesses controlled by the President, Vice President, Members of Congress, and heads of Executive Departments from receiving loans or investments from Treasury programs.” We love to see it.

Municipalities will also have access to this fund

Unemployment Is Getting A Glow Up

Idk if you heard, but coronavirus is ruining everything and has led to a lot of people getting laid off. A massive 3.3 million people filed for unemployment last week. Our programs are not equipped for this kind of crisis. It’s almost like government-funded benefits serve a purpose and are meant to be in place for times like this? Hm, will have to look into this later.

Anyway, since the current unemployment programs can’t possibly cover everyone who needs them right now, this bill proposes to help them out. The bill will increase unemployment insurance by $600 per week for four months. This benefit would extend to gig economy workers, freelancers, and furloughed workers who are still getting health insurance from their employers but are not receiving a paycheck.

If you have recently been laid off, this is for you. You can file for unemployment! And if you’re a freelancer or gig worker who has lost work, you can apply now too, which was not the case before.

$1,200 Checks Oprah Style. Kind Of.

Okay this one applies to many of us. Yay. Adults who make $75k or less annually, according to their tax returns, will receive a one time check of $1,200. You also get $500 per child in your household.

This is nice but is a bit of a bandaid on a bullet wound situation, imo. There’s no guarantee that more money will be coming, and tbh $1,200 doesn’t go that far for many of us. For many, this will mean being able to pay rent and then continuing to worry about how to put food on the table. For others it will mean being able to put a small dent in medical bills they have been slammed with because of coronavirus.

It’s a start, and I hope it provides you with some relief, but I hope to see more int he future.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said he expects direct payments to go out in about three weeks.

Hospitals Can Have A Little Help, As A Treat

Thank fucking god. Hospitals are, uh, pretty important during a pandemic. Go figure. The bill will contain $150 billion for hospitals treating coronavirus patients. $100 billion will go to hospitals, $1 billion will go to the Indian Health Service, and the remainder will be used to increase medical equipment capacity.

Wild that privatizing healthcare didn’t hold up in the end.

Small Businesses Can Hang Too

There would be $367 billion in the bill aimed at providing loans for small businesses that retain their workers in this bill. Amazing that smaller, local businesses, which typically make less money than large businesses, get less money from the government than the big ones who don’t need it as much do.

Incredible system. No notes.

I sincerely hope this helps keep our favorite local cafes, bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc. afloat.

And A Lil’ Something For Local Gov

With the bill, $150 billion would be given to state and local governments who are dealing with the impacts of the crisis in their local communities, including $8 billion for tribal governments. That’s nice.

The bill also includes eliminated interest on student loans through September, $400 million to support main-in voting, $450 million for the Emergency Food Assistance Program, and a delay on the REAL ID requirement.

Is This It?

Not if it’s up to Nancy Pelosi. The Speaker of the House said she hopes to send another round of direct payments to Americans in a subsequent package.


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Why Are Democrats Delaying A Senate Impeachment Trial?

Ding dong, Donald Trump has been impeached! And now it’s all smooth sailing from here! Lmao, jk. So cute of anyone to think any political process could be civil in the current climate. It’s 2019, honey, nothing is sacred and everything is trash.

So, what happens next? Great Q. Now that Trump has been impeached by the House, the next step is an impeachment trial in the Senate, which will determine if he is removed from office (just came typing those words tbh). As we know, the Senate has a GOP majority and is run by human equivalent of a wet sneeze, Mitch McConnell. As you may have heard, Mitch is being a Little Bitch about the whole thing, and has made it clear that he will not serve as an impartial juror, and will instead coordinate everything with the White House. So we’re just not even pretending to play fair anymore, huh? Cool.

So, what are the Dems to do? Another great Q. As of now, it looks like Nancy Pelosi — or Nance, as we call her here a The Sup — is planning to delay the Senate impeachment trial by not handing over the articles of impeachment to the Senate or appointing impeachment managers — House members who will serve as “prosecutor” types in the trial.

After the impeachment vote on Wednesday, Nance told reporters: “We can’t name managers until we see what the process is on the Senate side and I would hope that would be soon. So far, we haven’t seen anything that looks fair to us.” Nance has the power to name managers for the Senate trial, and she isn’t obligated to do so under any deadline, according to the rules. So she totes has the power to delay this thing. The question is: should she?

Republicans def don’t think she should, and are having a lil’ hissy fit over it, if you can believe. The White House responded to the move by saying: “House Democrats have run a fatally flawed process with fake facts, and now they want to deny the President his day in court with another procedural maneuver that proves anew they have no case,” and other Republicans have called it constitutional extortion” and a “breathtaking violation.” A little dramatic, but okay.

One could argue that this move only gives Repubs more fuel when it comes to claiming the Dems don’t have a case or aren’t playing fair. But also, like, the Repubs are going to claim that no matter what, so maybe we should just use our power while we have it and let them throw their tantrums?

Also, our girl Nance has a fair point here. Senators have to take an oath to impartial when judging the president’s conduct. A number of prominent Republicans have said publicly and proudly that they have no intention of being impartial. McConnell has straight up said he will work in “total coordination” with the White House. So the juror is working in total coordination with the defendant. Excellent.

Plus, McConnell has said he won’t let Dems call their requested witnesses, so Nance could use this as leverage until he agrees to bring a motion to call the  four White House staffers who the Trump admin refused to let testify in the House hearings. McConnell has said he wants a quick trial — as short as two weeks. Democrats think they can pressure him into concessions by delaying a process he wants nothing more than to get over with.

Delaying the trial until he agrees to play fair seems like a p legit strategy to me, and I’d have faith in it if I thought Mitch McConnell was capable of playing fair, but unfortunately decaying human turtles just aren’t wired that way. However, I do think gaining the power to call new people to the stand could be beneficial for the Dems.

Nancy Pelosi today clarified that she does intend to transmit the articles of impeachment to the House in a timely fashion, and she’s just waiting for the Senate to set its own rules for the proceedings before she decides who to appoint as House managers. But later, Senate leaders Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer failed to reach an agreement on trial rules and the House didn’t make any moves to send over the articles. House lawmakers won’t return from the holiday recess until January 7.

There’s a lot to unpack here, but at the end of the day it’s important to go about these processes strategically and fairly, to set a precedent and to send a message. By refusing to send over the articles of impeachment, the Dems get to publicly state that they don’t believe the Senate trial will be fair, and that they aren’t going to let the GOP abuse their power. How ’bout them apples?

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Images: Giphy (2)

20 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back: A Recap Of Trump’s Oval Office Address

Last night, our president graced us with an update on his toddler temper tantrum the goverment shutdown over the stupid f*cking wall he promised his supporters during his campaign. It was an overall pretty uneventful speech where Trump seemed to be genuinely reading the teleprompter and not spewing out the first thoughts that enter his narcissistic nightmare of a head.

Scripted Trump almost convinced me that he could act like a president, until I remembered this man wants to spend $5.7 billion on a wall he said Mexico would pay for.

In case you missed it in all of its confused glory, here’s the full speech:

Here are some takeaways for those of you who were smart enough not to watch whatever the f that was.

1. Trump said the wall will be steel instead of concrete.

Apparently Democrats don’t “like concrete” so this was a gift to them. I was under the impression, though, that the main problem the Democrats had with the wall was, uh, the wall. Not sure if the materials are a big issue here.

2. He alluded to the Obama’s house as evidence that walls are an effective form of protection.

President and Mrs. Obama built/has a ten foot Wall around their D.C. mansion/compound. I agree, totally necessary for their safety and security. The U.S. needs the same thing, slightly larger version!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 30, 2018

Trump noted that many powerful politicians have walls around their homes not because they “hate the people outside” but because they “love the people inside.” Trump has previously claimed that the Obama’s have a ten foot wall around their house but that has been identified instead as just some small barriers and fencing. This probably would’ve been a more effective example if Trump had chosen any of Taylor Swift’s houses, which all have massive walls to protect her from crazy and dangerous stalkers. I’m sure if Taylor had an influx of women and children seeking asylum in her home, she’d have to reevaluate.

3. He used “fear over facts” as a way to fuel xenophobia.

After the speech, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer weighed in on what was said and accused the president of using “fear over facts.” Trump cited many examples of American citizens who were the victims of horrific crimes caused by illegal immigrants. What he didn’t take into account, though, is that the crime rate among American citizens is much higher than the crime rate among illegal immigrants. Doesn’t cherry-picking examples of a few terrible people to make a case against thousands of good ones sound like the argument that Republicans hate about gun control? Nobody wants criminals in our country.

4. The wall will cost $5.7 billion, but it’ll quickly “pay for itself” through a new Mexico trade deal.

Mexico is paying (indirectly) for the Wall through the new USMCA, the replacement for NAFTA! Far more money coming to the U.S. Because of the tremendous dangers at the Border, including large scale criminal and drug inflow, the United States Military will build the Wall!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 19, 2018

Welles Orr, who worked on the original NAFTA agreement as the Assistant U.S. Trade Representative for Congressional Affairs under George H.W. Bush, told TIME that, “Trade agreements are designed to reduce regulatory hurdles. Most of our tariffs are zero, or very, very low.” Even if the new agreement did add tariffs, the money wouldn’t be put directly toward a wall or any other particular project. Instead, it would be put into the United States Treasury fund.

5. The wall will stop drug trafficking?

Trump said, “Every week 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90% of which floods across from our southern border. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.” This is, unfortunately, very true. Our country is experiencing an opioid epidemic and 90% of heroin comes from Mexico. However, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) 2018 National Drug Threat Assessment, the vast majority of heroin enters the country through legal ports of entry and not the empty spaces in the border that the wall would “block.”

Honestly, what’s the point of having a reality television star as president if he just won’t pay for his own ideas? Build the wall, have Trump pay for it.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


5 Takeaways From Trump’s Dramatic Meeting With Schumer And Pelosi

In this week’s ep of the most dramatic reality show ever made – our literal government – Trump met with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer for a heated “conversation” about “border security” aka the wall. Pence was also there but like, barely. More on that later. Anyway, because Trump is president and nothing is normal, this meeting had a lot of moments that will either make you lol or make you stare out your window and ponder how humanity has gotten to such a low point. A true rollercoaster of emotions! Check out some of the wildest things you can takeaway from this meeting, and then go talk sh*t about our government to your coworkers in the break room. You’ll look like, really smart.

1. Nancy Came to Slay

Our lady in blue is not f*cking around these days. Because it’s 2018, where sexism is still alive and well, Pelosi had to take on a more “tempered” manner during the meeting, while Schumer got to play bad cop. Like my mother whenever she notices I got a new crop top, Trump attempted to make a passive aggressive comment insulting Pelosi. “Nancy’s in a situation where it’s not easy for her to talk right now, and I understand that,” Trump said. Pelosi fired back with, “Please don’t characterize the strength that I bring to this meeting as the leader of the House Democrats who just won a big victory.” Now that’s a damn SLAY if I’ve ever heard one.

And our girl didn’t stop there. After the meeting, Pelosi had some more words for the press, which tried to call her out for not being transparent by not allowing the entire meeting to be recorded. Nancy told them that this was because she didn’t want to have to publicly say to the president, “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” on television and described the wall as “a manhood thing” for Trump. Okay…go off, queen!!!

Any questions? pic.twitter.com/gTW0axihV4

— Andy Slavitt (@ASlavitt) December 12, 2018

2. Pence Came to Nap

Mike Pence showed up to do what he does best: literally nothing. The VP didn’t have much to say and was caught on camera closing his eyes – either to pray or to power down his hard drive. Maybe he was trying my go-to strategy, where if you just pretend something isn’t happening it will go away? Hate to tell ya, bud, but according to my current student loans bill, this tactic is not effective.

mike pence is in airplane mode pic.twitter.com/hdusIYLgp1

— Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) December 12, 2018

3. Trump Is “Proud” to Shut Down the Government

Trump and Schumer went back and forth arguing over who was responsible for shutting down the government last time. Trump tried to say it was Schumer, who was quick to point out,“Twenty times you have called for, ‘I will shut down the government if I don’t get my wall. None of us have said it.” Trump did NOT like that, and then walked himself into a corner by saying he was “proud to shut down the government for border security.” However, the best moment came when Pelosi referred to is as a ‘Trump Shutdown’ and Donald looked like he was literally going to implode. Did I mention Nancy Pelosi came to slay???

4. The Midterms Are Still Causing Drama

The 2018 midterm elections are a lot like my high school breakup in that neither party will f*cking drop it. Pelosi noted, “Sixty people of the Republican party are losing their offices now because of the transition.” Trump came back with, “And we’ve gained in the Senate. Nancy, we’ve gained in the Senate,” and continued with some additional points, “Excuse me, did we win the Senate? We won the Senate.” So sad that our leaders can’t get over a loss…and for the record, I broke up with Jimmy, not vice versa!!!

5. Having a Conversation With Trump Is Nearly Impossible

This is something we already knew, but somehow it’s always still shocking to watch happen. His tactic is to just repeat false statements over and over. Pelosi wasn’t having that sh*t, and kept bringing up that his factual evidence was not there, and they needed to have a conversation based on actual facts. Seems reasonable, no? Not when working with Trump. Pelosi tried to tell Trump that he didn’t have the votes he needs in the House (he doesn’t), and he kept insisting that he does and that he “could get it passed in two seconds.”

“If I needed the votes in the House, I would have them in one second, we’d be done. It doesn’t help because we need 10 Democrats in the Senate,” Trump said. “We’re doing this in a very friendly way. It doesn’t help for me to take a vote in the House where I will win easily with the Republicans.” Pelosi responded,“You will not win.” NANCY MOTHERF*CKING PELOSI, EVERYONE.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Twitter (2), Giphy (1)

Quentin Tarantino Is The Worst And Here’s Why

Haven’t you heard? The Sup Live launched as both a Facebook show and a podcast, and not listening to either of them is social suicide. The Sup Live is every Thursday at 1:30pm on Facebook and Instagram, and now it’s a podcast too so you can listen to it on your commute or while hiding in the bathroom at your job. I don’t know your life. If you aren’t tuning in, it’s time to start. If you are listening, keep it up, you’re doing amazing, sweetie.

In this past week’s episode, Sami and Alise discuss Kylie’s new baby, Lady Doritos, and the latest update on Trump vs. Mueller. They also roast Trump for wanting to throw a parade for himself, and delve into the New York Times interview with Uma Thurman, so you know there’s some roasting of Quentin Tarantino as well. In short, this episode includes the dragging of at least two men who resemble toads, so it’s well worth a listen.

Not able to just like watch an entire live talk show while you’re at work? So sad, but NBD. You can listen to the podcast version of The Sup Live here.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Highlights & Lowlights Of Donald Trump’s First Speech To Congress AKA We’re So F*cked

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Donald Trump appeared before the House and the Senate last night to address a joint session of Congress. He was joined by his new besties Mike Pence and Paul Ryan, who wore matching blue ties and grinned shittily while our tacky-ass president laid out his plan for tanking the country, commonly referred to as “making America great again.” Here are the highlights and lowlights. We use the word “highlight” veeeeery loosely here.


Trump Condemning Anti-Semitism, Shouts Out Black History Month

Kudos to whoever keeps making the President denounce anti-Semitism and acknowledge black people exist outside of Chicago, because it’s working! Trump took a whole two minutes at the start of his speech to denounce the recent wave of attacks on Jewish cemeteries, and to call for more unity and understanding. The general response was, “Good for you, Donald! You finally did president good!” Even though earlier that same day he seemed to have suggested that Jews were vandalizing their own cemeteries and threatening their own community centers in order to make other groups look bad. Ah, to be white, male, and mediocre in today’s America.


Nancy Pelosi’s Face

Nancy Pelosi encapsulated all of our emotions last night by completely failing to hide her hatred for the president and everything he stands for:

Nancy Pelosi Congress Address

Elizabeth Warren

As we have come to expect, Queen Elizabeth of Massachusetts used Donald Trump’s joint address as an opportunity to throw some grade-A shade by inviting an Iraqi refugee, aka the exact type of person Trump is trying to ban from entering the U.S, as her guest. It’s like inviting your frenemy’s ex to a party just to show her who the fuck is in charge.

Elizabeth Warren


He’s Still Obsessed With The Whole ‘“Wall” Thing

Donald Trump is still delusionally obsessed with his stupid wall idea, and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it last night. He promised the American people that we will build a wall, but appears to have dropped the whole “Mexico will pay” aspect. Which, of course, means we’re paying for it. Ugh Trump can you please stop trying to make The Wall happen?

It's Not Going To Happen


Donald Trump used his terrifying speech to our terrifying government to lay out a terrifying new agency called V.O.I.C.E, and it’s not a new singing competition coming to NBC. It stands for the Victims of Immigrant Crime Engagement. So what the fuck does that mean? Well, it appears to be solely dedicated to policing, publicizing, and punishing crimes committed by illegal immigrants. Hmm…anybody else getting some serious Hitler vibes here?

We Are Screwed

Someone Announced “The President Of The United States” And Donald Trump Came Out

This was the lowest point in the evening. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Truly horrible. RIP me.


HONORABLE MENTION: The Democratic Response

The Democratic response was given by former Kentucky Governor and current total random Steve Beshear, who sat in what appeared to be a diner and stared lifelessly at the camera while surrounded by a handful of garden-variety white people. It was very boring and honestly I started looking at my phone halfway through and have no idea what he said.


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