I learned two important lessons from my time analyzing men’s underwear. 1) I’m basically the female version of Tan, and 2) there are way more bad options than good when it comes to covering men’s junk. The situation is no different when we’re looking at bathing suits—*remembers Speedos exist*—actually, it’s worse. Ultimately, scoping out guys at your local beach/pool/YMCA (I don’t judge) isn’t about finding your sartorial soulmate. It’s really about avoiding these common red flags. Read on for what his swimsuit says about him, and the swimsuits that should make you run far, far away.

Swim Briefs

Let’s start with the worst. “Swim briefs” are Speedos, plain and simple. Calling them swim briefs is the equivalent of referring to Q-tips as “cotton swabs.” So even using this term is sufficient reason to excuse yourself to the bathroom and never return. For those lucky souls who have never encountered a Speedo, I’ll paint you a picture. They do bare minimum in the front, and either barely cover his ass or go full thong. In other words, if you hook up with a guy wearing a Speedo, you could plausibly mistake it for your own underwear while trying to get dressed. These are strangely popular among Europeans, so consider yourself warned before meeting your Italian Hinge match at Le Bain.

Square Leg/Square-Cut Shorts

Looks like we’re going least to most coverage here! Square-cut shorts are the bathing suit equivalent of boxer briefs. This cut can be sexy when revealed under pants, but IMO it’s a little aggressive as the sole thing covering your lower half. (*Thinks back to the cheeky Brazilian bikini I just ordered.* Nope, I stand by it.) I feel like Jordan from The Bachelorette definitely wears this kind of bathing suit, to give you a sense of the overall dateability conveyed by this style. It’s the ultimate for guys who want to show off every inch of their bodies without committing fashion suicide. AKA every guy who cracked 1,000 followers on IG and now thinks they’re too good to answer your texts. Not that I’m bitter, we were obvs growing apart anyway. But yeah, guys who wear this swimsuit are likely way more into themselves than they are you. Sorry!

Swim Trunks

Ayyy, we’ve arrived at the only socially acceptable swim suit for men. Feels good. You’ll recognize swim trunks from every time you’ve seen a male go in water without baring their full ass. They’re your basic loose short, completely indistinguishable from actual male shorts to the naked eye. With swim trunks, the main thing you want to look out for is the print they choose. My personal preference is a solid that’s flattering to their skin tone, or a simple print that’s on-theme without being obnoxious. (E.g. *subtle* floral/Hawaiian, nautical, etc. Don’t @ me, I like the tiny sailboat thing.)

If they’re covered in giant flamingos, pineapples, or American flags, they’re frat bros who didn’t have to do anything other than breathe to get laid in college and don’t intend to start now. Give them a few years of getting rejected by women like you and come back to them. Like wine, except instead of wine it’s a 27-year-old man-baby. Anyone who wears plaid swim trunks is a psychopath or in middle school, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Board Shorts

Board shorts are…ok. They’re really just the sloppier, oversized version of swim trunks, often worn by little kids or guys who really don’t care about the fit of their clothes. Acceptable on surfers, for whom these serve a legit practical purpose. In all other scenarios, it’s the sartorial equivalent of what you put on to pick up Gatorade while hungover.

Jammers

First time hearing of jammers? Don’t worry, me too. While I’d hoped this was a term for dressed-up jammies, it’s actually a swimsuit specifically designed for athletic performance. AKA this bitch better be training for the Olympics. Otherwise, he’s just weirdly proud of his thigh girth or trying to hide some kind of rash. Not a risk I’m interested in taking.

There you have it. If you’re looking for a guy to actually date (so old-fashioned, I know), swim trunks only please. If you’re already dating and looking to fine-tune his wardrobe, throw out all his obnoxious prints and board shorts. Everyone else, please feel free to hook up with the Speedo/short short/jammer wearing guys out there and report back. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when all they talk about is their dating app matches, muscle tone, and favorite protein powder. Wow, I’m just describing Jordan. He’ll be missed.

Images: Giphy (5)

Acceptance around a man wearing flip-flops in the summer is a more divisive issue than whether Melania Trump is actually part of an elaborate hostage situation. Some people are for (exclusively men); some people are against (everyone else along with a handful of highly considerate men). Let’s end all arguments now—men in flip-flops are nasty af. Unless you’re one of the few hygienic men out there who gets weekly pedicures at their local nail salon, you do not have the right to disturb the world as you’re proudly fanning your crusty feet. Our rapidly crumbling civilization gets exponentially closer to apocalypse every day, and  you’re not exactly bringing the Zen with your vile feet. As summer kicks in, we’re in no uncertain terms here to ask you not to wear flip-flops. We’ve compiled a number of convincing reasons, lest you think we didn’t have a strong argument.

1. Your Feet Are Disgusting

Unlike women, most men don’t get their feet scrutinized and scoured by a small woman talking shit to her coworker while she’s buffing away dead skin and sadness every week. There’s no polish to be found even though, quite frankly, it would help hide that bout of yellow fungus on your left big toe.

Since women are used to meticulous self-judgment and head-to-toe analysis by our bitchy friends (love ya!), we’re naturally programmed to keep that shit lookin’ fly. Or at least, not looking diseased. Men roll out of bed in the morning and we’re lucky if they remember to brush their teeth. So we understand your lack of awareness around foot hygiene. But understanding does not equal acceptance. Ya feel me?

2. Your Feet Are Hairy

Nothing’s hotter than a dude rocking a fur coat from the ankle down—said nobody ever. While you try to re-swallow that vomit that just rose in your mouth, let’s all accept that men, by nature, have hairier feet than women. Sandals and their cousin, the flip-flop, just show all that shit off even more. Hard pass. However, might I take this opportunity to introduce you to the body groomer, which is the most essential all-purpose tool that a man should invest in pretty much as soon as puberty hits? No, it is not too much to ask…we women endure literal torture to look the way we do. Again, you’re welcome.

3. You’ll Get Foot Problems

Fun fact: flip-flops are incredibly bad for your feet. According to The Telegraph, “the flip-flop’s lack of support, coupled with the gripping motion needed to keep it attached to your person … puts extra strain on your metatarsal joints.” So combined with the fact that comfortable flip-flops don’t exist, there’s no arch support, AND you’re damaging your joints, why would any idiot wear these casually?

4. The Sound

You know what isn’t attractive? A guy walking toward me while his feet make a frrrrphmf frrrrphmf frrrrphmf sound akin to a small duckling being kicked down a city block. STOP. Plus I KNOW your feet are sweaty based on said sound, and the idea of your putrid, sweaty duckling feet walking towards me attached to a mouth that will say something stupid is causing me to have a rage blackout.

5. What Happens When You Go The Bathroom

Unlike civilized women, men pee standing up. At a urinal. Next to other dudes. You know what happens when one dude misses or splashes said urinal? Pee happens. It could happen on the floor. It could splatter onto Mr. Flip-Flops feet. Think about that next time you see a man in flip-flops.

If you absolutely insist on wearing flip-flops, then serious regular foot maintenance is mandatory. Yes, we know it hurts like hell when the cuticle cutter digs into the side of your toenail, but that does not excuse you from doing your part to keep civilization alive. Also plan accordingly for the extra five minutes that will be added to your morning ritual for hair removal.  If you choose to spend that extra $20 per week on something other than a standard pedicure, you can take your closed-toed shoes and go. Just go.

Images: Peter Hershey, Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Today in news that doesn’t make you look up from your phone, the Stormy Daniels turmoil has raised Trump’s approval rating among men. According to a new poll, while men seem to approve of the president’s romp with Daniels, women are increasingly turned off by literally everything he does. It is incredible how you think you’re as turned off as possible, then you hear about the president getting his ass spanked with a magazine with his face on the cover and your clit cools down to record low temperatures.

 Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy (3)

Head Pro is happy to talk to you about baseball, or butts, but he’s had enough baseball butts. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The sun sets on September and rises on October, the leaves start to turn, and a crisp chill fills the air. The “boys of summer” turn into ravenous, championship-hungry wolves prowling the base paths for a chance at glor—sorry, my mistake. You’re not here for bad sports soliloquies, you’re here for THICKY-THICC MAN ASS.

Baseball can be a boring sport, way slower than, say, basketball. But it’s also the most sexual—an entire metaphor for sex acts was built on its premise, and big, strong, burly men use their hard wooden sticks to stroke massive, majestic dongs out of the park. As it turns out, the sport is also positively lousy with onion man-booties.

The playoffs have begun in earnest, so here’s a bit about the eight teams vying for a title, as well as the best kiester on each team. You’re welcome.

American League

Cleveland Indians

Cleveland, despite a slow start to the year, turned on the jets in the second half to become the hands down favorite to win it all on the AL side. They very nearly did last year, losing in extra innings in the final game to a Chicago Cubs team that was all but preordained to win the World Series. They’re a dangerous team on both sides of the ball, and they’re somehow even better this year than last. Also, their logo is extremely racist.

Who Has The Best Butt?

That would be starting pitcher Trevor Bauer, fresh off a commanding performance against the vile Yankees in game 1 of the ALDS. Pitchers use their lower bodies to get power and drive behind the ball. And with a badonk like that, Trevor could drive me anywhere, amirite? (I hate myself.)

Houston Astros

Houston is a team that has consistently defied expectations, becoming good way sooner than anyone thought. They were by far the most explosive team in the first half, all but clinching their division by the All Star break. Their offense is potent thanks to young mashers like Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa, and George Springer, and the one-two punch of former Cy Young winners Justin Verlander and Dallas Keuchel can belittle just about any lineup. Plus, Justin Verlander is married to Kate Upton, so he has that to look forward to every night, win or lose.

Who Has The Best Butt?

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A controversial choice, but it’s utility outfielder/designated hitter/former superstar Carlos Beltran. Carlos is about 1,000 years old in baseball years, but an old butt can still be a good butt. More like Houston Ass-tros, ey ladies? (I’m dying a little inside.)

Boston Red Sox

The Red Sox went from being a league-wide laughing stock to one of the most consistently good teams in baseball. They showed potential in last year’s playoffs, and may have done some things, were it not for their run-in with Cleveland’s juggernaut. They’re led by an electric young outfield, some wily veterans in the infield, and an already-solid pitching staff bolstered with the addition of lefty strikeout artist Chris Sale. The Red Sox do everything well, but nothing particularly great, and aside from Sale and rookie third baseman Rafael Devers, they lack both the shutdown pitching and explosive power usually needed to go deep in the playoffs.

Who Has The Best Butt?

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You know, I stared at Red Sox asses more than any other team’s for this, because they are an assless wonder of a team. No wonder they’re such weak hitters! Since I have to pick, I’ll go with platooning outfielder Rajai Davis. It’s not a remarkable butt, but a serviceable one, which actually describes Davis himself, too. When it comes to butts, serviceable is just what you need sometimes. I’ll have some slow-cooked Boston Butt with a side of mmm hmmm, if you know what I mean. (This is fine, really.)

New York Yankees

The Yankees are like your friend Maddyson. You forget about her for a while, so you’re initially happy to see her. But then you get to the playoffs (or in Maddyson’s case, the bar), and you immediately remember how fucking annoying she is and why you stopped caring about her in the first place. They have shitty starting pitching and a phenomenal bullpen, meaning they can keep leads if they get them. If not, a slugging core led by Large Baseball Son Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez and DiDi Gregorius have the pop needed to get them back in a game. They probably won’t go far, and who gives a shit, anyway?

Who Has The Best Butt?

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Aaron Judge got all the love this year for his freakish first half performance and Home Run Derby clinic, but people forget that his shorter, thiccer teammate Gary Sanchez exploded like a bat out of hell in his rookie debut last year. Since he’s a catcher, you know all that squatting is doing good things for his backside. Talk about a Yankee doodle dandy! (My mother doesn’t know what I do for a living, nor will she ever.)

National League

Los Angeles Dodgers

The Dodgers finished the season with the best record in baseball, created with breathless winning streaks and a late-season losing streak that was frankly hilarious. They’re a formidable team from foul line to foul line, with MVP candidate Justin Turner, star shortstop Corey Seager, the best closer in baseball in Kenley Jansen, and the best pitcher in the universe in Clayton Kershaw. They will be tough to beat, but they have to get past division rivals Arizona, who’ve somehow eaten their lunch all season. It should be a good series!

Who Has The Best Butt?

It’s easily right fielder Yasiel Puig, who went from being a possible trade option to the star player he was always expected to be. He’s a delight to watch, whether he’s firing in put-out throws from the next zip-code with pinpoint accuracy or admiring a long bomb in ways that annoy opposing pitchers. Plus, there’s no dodging a fine rear end like that. (Time is no longer a quantity I experience, now it’s a viscous quagmire that impedes everything I do.)

Washington Nationals

The Nats are my team, so I have already resigned myself to an embarrassing loss in the NLDS. But to less pessimistic onlookers, they were an early favorite to go all the way. Their 1-2-3 rotation of Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Gio Gonzalez are arguably the best in baseball, when healthy. They had far and away the most explosive offense in the first half, but they’ve been ravaged by injuries. Key pieces like veteran Jayson Werth and superstar Bryce Harper came back from serious injuries just before the end of the season, so the Nats postseason may hinge on their ability to get back up to speed in time.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Several options here. Stephen Strasburg is packing some junk in the trunk, but he looks like an ogre. Daniel Murphy is similarly stacked, but he’s an oafish, caveman-looking motherfucker with deeply regressive views towards gays. I’ll go with utility man Wilmer Difo (pronounced DEE-fo, not like the actor), who came up big while shortstop Trea Turner was sidelined with injuries. Now THAT’s an ass the whole nation can salute, right? (Contemplating whether or not I’ll actually be able to enjoy baseball after this.)

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs finally shed the “lovable loser” moniker last season, when, after a 108-year drought, they finally eked out a World Series win a star-studded lineup. They’re not lovable anymore, but they aren’t losers, either: The team is mostly the same, with sluggers Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant slugging like sluggers do. The rotation isn’t the world-beater it was last year, but John Lester, Jake Arrieta, and Kyle Hendricks will never be easy obstacles to overcome. With sparkling play to end the season, they’re the even-odds favorites to repeat, now that they’re in the postseason.

Who Has The Best Butt

Pitchers often have good butts, but Arrieta has been caught doing lunges and farmer’s walks around the warning track at all hours of the day—this is a man who takes his ass seriously. He’s been struggling with a hamstring issue lately, limiting his effectiveness. But with ham hocks like that, who cares what his ERA is, right girls? (When friends and family look into my eyes, all they see now is a deep, black nothingness.)

Arizona Diamondbacks

Arizona suffered all season from an affliction called “Being in the same division as the Dodgers and Colorado Rockies.” The NL West was criminally stacked, and they had to win a roller coaster of a wildcard game against those same Rockies for the chance to play those same Dodgers in the NLDS. Ace pitchers, Zack Greinke and Robbie Ray, add some heat to the front of the rotation, and the acquisition of power hitter J.D. Martinez added even more pop to a lineup featuring all-purposes hitters, Jake Lamb and Paul Goldschmidt. Like I said, they’ve had some success against the Dodgers, but they just don’t seem built to go much further than that against the Nats or Cubs. Only time will tell.

Who Has The Best Butt?

First baseman Paul Goldschmidt. Jew butt alert! Poor Paul could have been league MVP several times over by now, except he’s stuck playing in a league with guys like Nolan Arenado, Bryce Harper, Kris Bryant, and so on. He’ll get there someday, but in the meantime, if he’s ever bitten in the ass by one of Arizona’s deadly rattlesnakes, I’ll be the first in line to suck out the poison. (Don’t actually do that if bitten by a venomous snake, please.)

So who has the best overall butt? That’s not for me to decide, and I don’t think I can look at them objectively anymore. Maybe, y’know, watch a little playoff baseball, and choose for yourself. 

Head Pro is happy to talk to you about baseball, or butts, but he’s had enough baseball butts. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Because my MO is apparently to just discredit myself before I even have the chance to give amazing advice, I’m going to start this article off with a confession about my last DTR* experience. (*DTR = the “define the relationship” conversation, BTW. And we actually mean “conversation.” We’re not talking about the drunk scene you make screaming, “What are we?!” at 2am, or the talk you have the next afternoon when you’re deep in your shame hangover.) Anyway, my drunk at 2am DTR prep-talk involved me getting jealous of a high school friend and playing the piano, so it would obviously be the worst memory of my life, if I remembered it. My sober DTR wasn’t a lot better—I wound up telling him I wanted to “slow down,” when he hadn’t even thought we were dating. Besides the fact that I’m incredibly smooth, what you should be gleaning here is that there are many, many wrong ways to DTR (and you’ve probably tried at least three). Here are some (slightly) less cringe-inducing ways to have this conversation.

Two Drink Max

Yeah, this is one of the few times I’m going to recommend you hold off on the pre-date vodka sodas. I totally get the urge to blur some of the memory and get some liquid courage, but sometimes liquid courage looks like you speaking your mind, and sometimes it’s just an incoherent asshole. If you give any kind of a shit (and if you’re having this convo, you probably do), now’s not the time you want to take that gamble.

Know What You Want

In the early stages of dating, it’s really easy to get wrapped up in holding a guy’s attention; it’s exciting, it’s fun, and it usually involves free stuff. But if you’re getting anxious about tying down your latest booty call (I have no fucking clue what the kids are actually calling it these days, and I don’t intend to learn), take a second to think about whether you really want to be with this specific guy, or if you just don’t want to be alone. If you pull the trigger on a DTR and then realize it’s the latter, you’re going to be in an awkward, sexless relationship with a tiny, tiny high of you realizing you had the upper hand all along, followed by three weeks of you guilting yourself into dumping him.

Be Honest

Along those lines, if he initiates the DTR and your answer to “What are we?” is “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” or even “I really want to date you”—you have to say those things. Out loud. Is it fun? No. It doesn’t even burn calories, like most other un-fun activities I subject myself to. But you know what’s even less fun? Having a second nausea-inducing DTR two weeks later, because you lied your ass off the first time, and you both still have no idea what’s going on.

If Possible, Avoid It

As I say this, I fully expect a collective scream of fury from everyone who’s ever dated men, because I KNOW it is not your fault that these talks have become a “thing.” But in all honesty, I think the rise in the term DTR is pretty directly correlated to a recent proliferation of douchebags in our society. The guy who makes you ask him, point-blank, “Do you care about me?,” is clearly not otherwise demonstrating that fact—probably because he does not, in fact, care about you. If you’re entering this conversation afraid that it’s the last time you’ll see him, maybe ask yourself why you’re so eager to settle for such a low level of excitement from a potential boyfriend. And maybe don’t be too surprised if it turns out he thought you were just “hanging out.”

Basically, as we’ve said before, there are ways to mitigate the damage initiating a DTR convo will to do your ego, but if you have to ask him in the first place, his answer is probably a no. Don’t shoot the messenger; I’m only trying to help.

Now that we are officially living in the age of Deanie Babies, it’s time to acknowledge the fuckboy type that we’ve all let come too far: the guy who comes off as emotional, sensitive, and into you (while directly in front of you), then turns around and treats you like a stranger. (The term I’ve heard most commonly for this is “softboy,” but that just makes me think his dick doesn’t work.)

The problem with this guy is that he’s “emotionally evolved” enough that he’ll try to avoid lying to you outright—instead, he’ll often actually present himself as going out of his way to be honest, while telling you misleading garbage that serves his own needs. If you find yourself in this situation (and if you’re planning on being single sometime this century, you will), please don’t come sniffling to brunch saying that it’s “your fault,” since he was “really open about his commitment issues.” I mean, yeah, if a guy brings up commitment issues and you don’t immediately take a blowtorch to his phone, then you’re fucking up at least a little—but a guy who treats you like you’re dating and then makes you feel crazy for it is ** absolutely ** a liar, and this is largely not your fault. Here’s how you can weed the “softboys” out early:

1. Ask Him Out

For most guys, “Are you free Friday?” is not the conversational equivalent of a loaded gun. But someone who’s trying to come off as a good guy, while blowing you off, can’t hit you with something as basic as a “not sure,” or leave you on read—nope, this guy will take that question and do fucking backflips with it until your grasp on reality is firmly shaken. Basically, this guy will do anything to deflect attention to the question itself, whether it’s by treating it like an invite to your cousin’s wedding in six months, or making a “joke” about how clingy you are. Classic softboy responses here include “You’ll be the first to know when I find out,” “I didn’t know we were official like that,” and “Ooh, you’re keeping tabs on me already.”

2. Slightly Inconvenience Him

In the early stages of dating, there’s a natural instinct to hide your inner princess and text back “awesome!” when he says he’ll be over in 10, even if you’re in sweats and week-old mascara. But if a guy is actually excited about seeing you, he’s not going to be thrown off by a “make it 20” text; he’s comfortable with the idea that seeing you is his plan for the evening, and this doesn’t change that. The modern fuckboy, however, will take this 10-minute delay as an opportunity to feel like you’re “controlling him” or re-evaluate the entire relationship, because he has to spend 10 minutes occupying himself that he didn’t plan on. The second you become more complicated than a stuffed animal, this guy is gone—he wants you to be a distraction from his life, not an actual part of it.

2. Pay Attention To Actions

Generally speaking, when peoples’ actions don’t match their words, that’s a pretty good indication that they’re lying. With the guys you’re probably dating, this is complicated by the fact that they’re obsessed with hypotheticals, probably because it’s the verbal equivalent of a no-strings-attached relationship. If a guy says, “I would love to bring you to my lake house sometime,” and never actually takes you to his lake house, dump him. (Side note: If he does take you to a lake house, dump him anyway. Lakes are the ugly sister to the beach, and you’re too good for that.) He’s enjoying watching you get excited over something that will never happen, and indulging in a fantasy 48-hour lakeside bang fest (this is probably not a common fantasy just FYI, sorry I keep talking about lakes) without any of the commitment of actually doing it. This guy seems into you (why would he even bring it up if he didn’t want to do it?), but really he’s just into himself and likes watching you fall for him. It’s the equivalent of flexing in the mirror, but with emotions.

Basically, when a guy is telling you the truth, you won’t have to ask any of these questions. 85-100% of the signs will point to him being into you. But if a guy only seems promising about 50% of the time, he’s not interested in anything other than your attention and vaguely not seeming like a dick. He’ll torture you for years if you let him, so please just go ahead and don’t.

It’s a universally known fact that guys are shitty, like, generally. They’re lazy, they’re sloppy, they’re immature, they’re insensitive, they have mommy issues, and sometimes, they’re downright sexist. It’s basically indisputable that women are more often than not on the receiving end of stomach-churning male behavior, whether we’re being mocked, objectified, or even denied basic human rights, and no one knows this better than The Betches me.

We’ll save the serious political shit for another article, but the unacceptable shit that guys try to pull unfortunately extends into the mundane everyday stuff too. Like when you’re at the gym just trying to use the Stairmaster in peace and you can practically feel the eyes of the guy on the machine behind you boring a hole through the back your leggings. It’s uncomfortable, it’s violating, it’s unacceptable, and, most importantly, it interferes with your ability to live your best life. So below, we’ve enumerated the things guys do that aren’t just obnoxious but downright offensive—and need to stop, like, immediately.

1. Cat-calling: I honestly don’t get what the point of cat-calling is. Has any woman ever been like “well I wasn’t considering sucking your dick at all but now that you mention it I’ve got 5 extra minutes?”

2. Sending dick pics: Once again, no. a dick pic is never, I repeat, NEVER, a pleasant surprise.

3. Saying “m’lady”: Studies have shown that 99% of guys who say m’lady wear a fedora and are still a virgin by the time they turn 29.

4. Asking me what I’m gonna do when I get married since I can’t cook: I think the better question is, what are you going to do when you get married, since you can’t cook to save your ass, either? Because I for one am going to marry a rich pro and hire a personal chef, so…

5. Saying shit that, at the time, they blatantly do not mean: Like for example when you go on a date and you know you’re both kind of like “meh” about it at the end of it and instead of being a normal rational human and not even bringing up seeing each other again since it’s obvious neither of you want to do that, the guy is all, “Hey that was super fun we should totally do it again, I’ll text you.” And you’re just standing there like “We both know that’s not going to happen, nor do we want it to happen, so…why?” Why are you literally wasting your breath just to talk shit that has no bearing on my life one way or the other?

6. Openly bashing all feminists because “all feminists are just a bunch of bitches who think all men are horrible and deserve to die” and that’s just not true: Do you even see the irony of what’s going on here?

7. Putting their hands on the back of the girl’s head and pushing when she is going down on them: Oddly specific? Yes. Makes me homicidal? Also yes. Bros out there, I know when you go down on a girl there’s no real danger other than perhaps drowning in the pussy. But when I give head I am literally choking myself repeatedly until you nut. Seriously, the choking hazard is very real, so quit testing my gag reflex unless you want vomit on your hands…er, I mean, dick.

8. Grabbing girls around the waist in crowded places: Like when you’re trying to squeeze past me in a bar, why can’t you tap me on my shoulder, or I don’t know, any other place that isn’t as sexual and violating? If I don’t know you I can’t think of a single reason you should put your hand anywhere near my lower back region, unless you’re trying to see how far I can jump in the air when startled.

9. Messing around with my hair without asking: Contrary to popular belief, I did not actually wake up like this. This thing on my head that you think is your own personal petting zoo took a lot of time and styling and money and you cannot just rake your hands through it like you’re making crop circles or it will get fucked up. Don’t try me.

10. Calling girls “bro”: That is, unless you want me to start off my texts from now on with, “Giiiiiirlllll.”

Shut it down. All of it. Kthxbye.