A few years back, I was scrolling through my likes on Hinge. There was one from this guy who I didn’t really think was attractive at all, but he had messaged me something sweet, and I thought, “Aw, well, why not? Attraction can grow, right?” It ended with him being awful (surprise, surprise), which wasn’t noteworthy in the grand scheme of my relationship history, but I do remember sitting with myself having a life-changing realization: “Why the fuck would I swipe right on someone I don’t think is hot?”
Some may not take kindly to my Eureka moment. Call it “mean,” “shallow,” or even “entitled,” — fine by me. When it comes to relationships and building a strong foundation with a partner, looks are often at the bottom of the list (if even included at all). Physical preferences are deemed as limiting, shallow factors, and people — well, women — are repeatedly told to sacrifice “initial” attraction in the name of compatibility.
“You’ll grow in love,” they say. “You’ll miss out on the love of your life because you’re too worried about the wrong thing,” or “It doesn’t matter what he looks like, pay attention to how nice he is.” I totally agree that a relationship shouldn’t be built on looks and lust alone and that these things may ebb and flow and even fade — but can we stop pretending like attraction is totally negligible?
Think of any man you know. Has he ever looked at a woman he wasn’t attracted to and thought, “Well, she’s nice, so that’s enough”? Do you think he’s ever looked at a woman and thought, “Well, I don’t think she’s that attractive, but she sure is nice,” and considered that as enough of a requirement to be in a relationship with them? I’m going to go ahead and answer for you: Fuck no. So why would women be expected to do so?
As women, we’re often told that our standards in relationships are “too high” and that we should be lucky if we even get 60% of what we’re looking for (I’m looking at you, Sima Aunty). And sure, maybe we should be willing to be flexible in our requirements if someone isn’t a non-famous reincarnation of Kofi Siriboe. But if your first “exchange” with a man involves settling, I don’t believe it’s outlandish to say you’ve set the tone for yourself in any future relationship with that man.
It is not unreasonable for women to have standards for the type of partner they want. So how come even though a woman can say she wants someone compassionate, educated, and fucking hot — and refuses to budge on any of these attributes — suddenly she lacks substance just because attraction is on that list? Why do we negate all of the other emotional and intellectual standards just because a woman has physical requirements as well?
Often women are told that we can’t have it all — well, I say “fuck that.” Why is it so unrealistic to desire someone who is kind, romantic, ambitious, and super attractive? These are all ways I would describe myself. Aren’t men always asking women what they “bring to the table?” Well, I bring the whole fucking table, so I’d like you to do the same.
And if that makes me “too picky,” so be it. I’d rather eat alone than starve on (ugly) scraps.
