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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to
bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.
The Rose Ceremony
Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!
Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.
Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.
I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.
God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?
Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is
how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.
Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?
Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?
I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!
“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”
In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!
Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.
Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.
Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.
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“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.
Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.
IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!
It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.
Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?
Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
The resemblance is uncanny!!
I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.
Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.
Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.
Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!
As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??
Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.
A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones
Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.
Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s
sort of my type neither here nor there.
You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.
Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys
Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.
Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.
Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:
Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!
Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!
And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)
Every year of The Bachelorette, I swear to myself that I won’t get as infuriated by next year’s villain. And every year, they trot out a new guy who seems specifically designed to raise my blood pressure. This year, I am of course talking about the villain Luke P.: CrossFit enthusiast and walking red flag. As exhausting as it is to see Hannah not send him home week after week, I’ve been really glad to see that most viewers have shied away from actively blaming her. As the other contestants point out, Luke shows a very different side to Hannah—and for f*ck’s sake, we’ve all fallen for a Luke at some point in our lives, and under far less stressful circumstances.
So, as a handy field guide to actively dating women and future Bachelorettes alike, I’ve compiled a list of all the red flags Luke has shared with us this season. If a guy you’re considering dating drops any of the following quotes, I kindly suggest you run for the hills.
“I’m Falling In Love With You”
Ah, the first of many Luke P. red flags. To be clear, this is not a red flag when uttered at a normal time, like many months into dating (or in the case of Bachelor Nation, many weeks). When it’s said within the first 48 hours, he’s coming on way too strong, which is either a red flag in its own right or an early sign of controlling behavior.
Per a 2014 Huff Post piece on how abusive relationships can start, an early warning sign may be that your partner is overly affectionate or romantic—”he will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met,” the article claims. “He will say that it’s love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that he can’t imagine his life without you He will insist on being exclusive right away.” Any of this ringing bells yet? Love bombing is a common manipulation tactic where the manipulator will flood the victim with affection early on in order to cloud their judgment.
“She Has Everything I’m Looking For In A Wife”
This is something Luke’s said several times over the course of the season, and it’s bummed me out hard every time. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with having a list of traits you want in a potential mate. But Luke’s aggressive fixation on how Hannah is his “dream wife”—and his mention this week of how everything he does is to be good enough for said dream wife—is a major yikes. Luke expects his wife to live up to a saintly, untouchable ideal. He hasn’t quite grasped yet that relationships are about emotions and connections between two people. He’s just gone from objectifying women as sex objects to objectifying women as wife material.
Frankly, Luke’s come-to-Jesus speech made me feel for him, if only because he still has so much to figure out about himself. He thinks he’s made a complete 180 because the criteria he uses when selecting women is now different; but until he learns how to form a genuine connection, I’m afraid he’s still screwed.
“Everyone Loves Me”
Bless Hannah’s heart for calling this one out as it happened. To say “everyone loves me” demonstrates, in Luke’s case, an extreme lack of self-awareness. But it’s also subtly gaslighting Hannah’s experience as the Bachelorette: she knows that Luke is an unlikable person, and she’s questioning him about why people find him so unlikable. Instead of giving her an honest assessment, Luke’s saying “nothing you’re seeing is real, but I can tell you what’s really real—people loving me.” Hannah, please: trust your own eyes over what this man is saying.
“I Love Every Single Thing About You, Even Your Flaws”
Ah, the classic neg. Again, it’s something Luke says creepily early on, and it’s something that seems like a good thing, but really isn’t. Putting aside for a moment that he doesn’t know her well enough to even identify said flaws, it’s a d*ck move to call out flaws in what’s meant to be an affectionate moment. It’s specifically intended to take her down a peg in the same moment that he’s asserting he’s there for her.
It’s very similar to when he says, “even if you make a boneheaded mistake I’ll be there for you” a few episodes later. Hannah didn’t make a mistake, and she wasn’t asking for his forgiveness. He chose to bring up that hypothetical because he wanted Hannah to feel small and cornered into accepting his affection simply because he’s a safe choice.
“I Don’t Want To Know What You Do With Other Guys”
As Hannah’s relationships with other guys get more serious, we get to see a fun, new, even more controlling side of Luke! (Next week: Controlling Luke, Religious Edition.) You’ll notice that Luke’s the only guy who freaked out about her date with Garrett, but even if it did make Luke annoyed to hear, he had no right to bring that concern to Hannah. Telling her “I don’t want to know anything about you and other guys” is treating Hannah like it’s her job to ensure nothing ever mars his perfect, pure image of her—and it’s really, really not.
Furthermore: if he’s this controlling of her time when they’re not even exclusive, while cameras are rolling, what the f*ck would he be like as a husband, behind closed doors? This is a guy who would be uncomfortable with Hannah being in the same state as an ex-boyfriend. This is a guy who Hannah would hide all her male friends from, because he’d accuse her of cheating on him if he ever met them. This is a guy who would slowly close off more and more aspects of who Hannah gets to see under the guise of caring too much about her. Run. For. The. Hills.
“I Know Hannah’s Really Excited To Spend Alone Time With Me”
Per Allure‘s piece on signs of an abusive relationship, a partner speaking for you is bad news—but hey, we could have all learned that just from watching this one Luke P. clip! Do we hear any of the other Bachelorette contestants saying what Hannah is excited to do? No, we do not. We hear them talking about their own emotions, and—dare I say it—staying in their own lanes. Luke is totally a guy who would order for Hannah at every restaurant they go to without even knowing her dietary restrictions (“oh no Hannah, my dream wife doesn’t have a peanut allergy, you must be mistaken”).
Luke’s been working overtime to convince Hannah (and everyone else) that he knows her better than she knows herself, that he’s her soulmate, and that she’s totally mistaken about everything she’s seen gone down in the house. No wonder Hannah’s so confused: he’s selling her a completely different reality from the one she’s experiencing, and he came on so strong in the beginning that her gut is still confused by early romantic feelings. Thankfully, it looks like Luke makes his true colors known next week—and I can’t wait to see that f*cker get kicked to the curb.
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This week on The Bachelorette, we’re welcomed back to Latvia, where apparently the men heard “European adventure” and thought “yes, I must pack my spring scarf.” Never mind that production chose to showcase the country’s beauty with drab shots of gnarled trees limbs and dead grass that could easily have been filmed in upstate New York in the dead of winter, but sure, bring out those pastels, boys! Tbh I’d rather see an hour of footage that includes these scarves than watch one more minute of Hannah and Chris Harrison’s impromptu therapy session like we endured last week. And we did ENDURE if the twitch that I developed in my left eye is any indication.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Garrett gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and Luke declares that this is the first time he’s ever been “legitimately jealous” of another contestant. Lol. What were all the other times, then? Certainly not thinly veiled ploys to get painted as this season’s villain to have a greater chance at getting cast on Paradise. NEVER!!
As Garrett and Hannah stroll through woods, they happen upon a naked couple falling from the sky! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was going to be a crossover with VH1’s Dating Naked. An interesting PR stunt for sure, but fine, I’ll hear them out.
For their date, they have to bungee jump from a cable car naked and tied together. We’re told that this is something “the Latvians do” as if this is some time honored tradition embedded in the country’s DNA, and not something the local youths do while on drugs (I assume). This would be like if Latvians came to Panama City Beach and said “guess I’ll have to start a fight with a guy named TadPole and spend a night in the drunk tank because that’s what Americans do!!”
GARRETT: This is the stuff of my nightmares.
You and me both, buddy. You and me both.
Do we think he’s nervous that she’ll think his dick is small? It’s got to be shriveled up in those conditions. It is snowing out, for god’s sake! But what if he’s turned on and starts poking her with it?? There’s no winning in nude bungee jumping, that’s for sure.
Why is she praying before she jumps off this thing? This isn’t Fear Factor, Hannah. You can say no!! They keep telling each other to “be strong” and just “trust” each other and it’s, like, wtf are they trusting each other for? They better trust the man who built those bungee cords.
Post-nude bungee jumping, production gifts the couple with bathrobes and then forces them to squat by a nearly extinct fire and converse in the snowy elements. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps this is Fear Factor.
Hannah’s like “did you see that guy’s ding dong earlier??” and I love that she’s ignoring the fact that she saw Garrett’s ding dong all but five minutes ago. I can’t decide if she’s trying to be nice and not address the
elephant penis in the room, or if there just genuinely isn’t much to talk about when it comes to Garrett’s ding dong.
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Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Hannah tries to turn their entire nude experience together into a metaphor for falling in love, which is exactly how I tried to explain away losing my virginity freshman year of college during the middle of a frat party.
I guess Garrett is feeling pretty bad for playing the part of Petty Patricia at the rose ceremony last week when he started some unnecessary sh*t with Luke, because he decides to be more vulnerable with her and share the darkest moment in his life: quitting football. Lol is this a f*cking joke? This man has never known true struggle. I’m sorry, Garrett, but talking about how you quit your high school football team to try your hand at golfing is not so much baring your soul as it is listing hobbies and facts about yourself that Hannah could discover by reading your IG bio.
The Group Date
Meanwhile, back at the house, Garrett humble-brags about
getting naked with Hannah his authentic Latvian experience and Luke is PISSED. You can practically see the steam coming out of his ears. It’s as if he’s just now realizing that his girlfriend is actually dating nine other men. Wild.
Okay, I’m noticing several themes about Hannah’s group dates. One, that there are always some sort of shots involved, and two, that production can’t be bothered to come up with any sort of plan or itinerary, it’s just a free-for-all of debauchery. This group date is no different. Hannah takes the men to a Latvian market, which they promptly turn into their own drunken playground. They start off with shots of moonshine and then things quickly spiral out of control with Hannah in full tyrant mode banging on counters and demanding she be fed cheese. Iconic.
Hannah starts telling the men about
the nude bungee jumping fully immersing herself in Latvian culture, and you can see Luke beseeching to Jesus for guidance on how to murder Garrett and get away with it.
“Her body is her temple and she shouldn’t bare it to strangers” is something a guy who has most definitely taken a body shot off of a drunken woman in a bar before would say. And you know, I sort of see where he’s coming from here. It is a little disgusting to see someone use their sexuality to manipulate people and get ahead…
Oh, right but I guess it’s only okay to do that if you’re a guy trying to get laid. Got it.
You guys I am LIVING for this silver slitted dress Hannah has on right now. Though if we thought this would deter her from straddling Tyler in the middle of the goddamn cocktail party, I guess we were wrong. You do you, boo boo.
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Jesus Christ WE GET IT, JED, we should all go download your songs off iTunes. Now, can you at least pretend to be into Hannah? If I have to listen to one more mediocre song out of this Gavin DeGraw wannabe I’m going to lose my freaking mind.
Once again, Luke expresses to the other guys his discontent with Hannah for doing something without his permission and Tyler, bless him, is the first to shut that sh*t down. He’s like, “I respect her decisions because she’s a grown-ass woman and we all should too.” And it’s like, is Tyler a feminist? FROM FLORIDA?? I am shooketh to my core and thinking I might need to reevaluate my stance on people who come out of the state of Florida. Does this mean @SweetestBetch and I will need to stop claiming all Floridians crawled out of a garbage can and headed straight to an MTV set? Nahhhhhhhhhhh it’s still funny.
Luke finally gets some alone time with Hannah and he uses it to slut shame her into submission. You guys, this conversation is truly triggering to watch. How Hannah can stomach to listen to this guy for more than five seconds is beyond me.
LUKE: I’ll always support you even if you make boneheaded decisions that make me want to put a tracking app on your phone. You’re making me feel that way. Me. Me. Me. ME.
Okay, he just called her decision to jump naked a “boneheaded mistake” and that is not sitting well with me. But what if she doesn’t regret it, Lukie? Hmm? What if, gasp, she actually enjoyed getting naked in public and freefalling from a great distance? How is that going to fit into your preconceived notions of what it means to be a “good girl”? Because, just so you know, girls can be promiscuous and good with God. Just saying.
Tyler gets the group date rose and Luke seems genuinely shocked that his sexist chastising didn’t get him the rose. In his defense, it probably always works on all the girls who slide into his DMs.
Peter’s One-On-One Date
Peter gets the second one-on-one date of the week and Hannah takes him to a sacred Latvian Mud Hut. Peter is like, “I’ve never heard of this place before” which is funny because last episode he was giving us an intricate geography lesson and now he’s acting like he’s never heard of Latvia before. I guess this part of the country looks a lot different from the layover bars where you pick up lonely women in between flights, huh, Peter?
Lol. Do we think the Latvians are pranking them rn? Like, “look at these Americans letting us slap them with bushes mwahahaha!”
After they finish using the foliage to reenact a scene from 50 Shades, the Lavians take them to a bathhouse to “sweat it out.” It’s unclear for what purpose other than to push the boundaries of soft-core porn on prime time cable.
HANNAH: We burned it down with our fire teehee
You guys, Peter is VERY attractive to me but I’m starting to think he’s lying about being a pilot. The only pilots I’ve ever encountered on a flight are old guys who make dad jokes over the intercom while I’m trying to sleep. God, I’ve got to stop flying United.
He tells Hannah how hard it’s been for him to be vulnerable on the show, and then he tells that to her that IN SPANISH. You guys, I’m dripping. He is really busting out all the moves tonight and it is WORKING for me!! This might be the hottest thing I’ve seen all week and I’m including watching Shawn Mendes’ muscles in that “Seniorita” video.
Back At The Hotel
Jed declares that he’s overcome with jealousy and intends to go serenade Hannah before the rose ceremony. He just misses her that much, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that no one has viewed the music video he made on GarageBand and posted to YouTube just before going on this show. Nothing at all.
JED: *serenades Hannah with a “Jed Wyatt Original”*
ME: *whispers under breath* He probs wrote this song for his girlfriend.
Well, Hannah certainly likes to be on top, doesn’t she? After singing his favorite songs off his forthcoming album (which I’m sure conveniently drops during the finale episode), they start doing some heavy petting in the bed and I can’t help but picture Jed’s girlfriend back home, probably a bottle of wine deep and watching the show with the one girlfriend she confided her situation to in, and adamantly swearing that it’s all “just acting.” Oh, sweetie.
JED: I really am falling in love with you.
Meanwhile, Garrett is back on his bullsh*t and stirring up drama for no apparent reason. Look, I hate Luke with every fiber of my being, but doesn’t he understand that being the sh*t stirrer is just, like, a bad look in general? Let Luke stay in his lane and drive straight off the cliff he’s accelerating at full force towards!!
Hannah drags Luke to talk to him ONCE AGAIN about his controlling and toxic traits, and it’s getting very old. Here’s my hot take on the situation: during that episode where Hannah gets him shirtless and then he comes to find her after the rose ceremony their connection was palpable. I remember watching the episode and thinking “they seem like they’ve known each other forever” and I think Hannah is hanging onto that feeling for all it’s worth. I mean, do I think she’s acting like an idiot? For sure. But she’s also being held hostage by ABC and is only allowed to talk to these select few men, most of whom are garbage, so I could see how she might be confused and stupid.
LUKE: I will never control you or tell you what to do with your body.
ALSO LUKE: It’s not that you’re a slut, you just act slutty sometimes.
Every valid point Hannah brings up, Luke immediately refutes by saying she’s “twisting his words” even though these are words that just came out of his own goddamn mouth. He’s like “I’m doing my best even though my best is dog sh*t.” And the worst part about is that Hannah looks like she’s going to accept this as an apology. SMDH.
If I have to hear the phrase “stay in your lane” one more time one more goddamn time, I will f*cking scream.
Final Rose Cut: Dylan and Dustin both go home this week, which makes sense because I genuinely cannot name one single characteristic about either of them except that the one guy has a nose ring and the other one does not.
Post-rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like “Jesus Christ. Luke again? Really?” and Hannah says something to the effect of: “I’m either falling in love with him or he’s going to send me to an early grave.” YEAH, HIM AND EVERY OTHER MAN IN THIS WORLD.
Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if it’s love or just Stockholm Syndrome. My money is on the latter! Adios, betchachos!
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Welcome back, people, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! No, it’s not Monday. No, you’re not just drunk. I know, it’s upsetting to me as well. Apparently the Powers That Be at ABC decided that the NBA finals (who???) took precedence over Alabama Hannah’s search for love, and at the very last minute, they decided to push this week’s episode to Tuesday. Never mind that ABC has never once given their audience a reprieve from the grueling Bachelor/ette schedule or taken into consideration that they might have busy lives or other interests. Not last season when they decided to air a three-hour season finale on Monday followed by a two-hour “After The Final Rose” on Tuesday. Not last 4th of July when I had to stream an episode from my cell phone during my family’s vacation at the lake, whilst standing at the end of the driveway next to the trashcans and battling various wildlife for that premium positioning because it was the only place I could get a single goddamn bar of service. And certainly not when they held us hostage on NEW YEAR’S F*CKING DAY to watch Arie’s season premiere. But it’s fine. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.
Moving on. When last we left off, Hannah had just sat Luke P. and Luke S. down to talk out their issues with one another as if they both aren’t emotionally stunted circus animals posing as human men and can actually articulate their feelings. Good luck with that, Hans!
The Rose Ceremony
Things are not going well for Luke S. at the moment, and I’m not just saying that because his suit is heinous. Though that certainly isn’t helping his case. I think he wants to come off as the genuine one here, but the sheer amount of times he’s said the words “my tequila business” in the span of this 10 minute argument is making him seem self-serving and disingenuous. So, I’m sure his Instagram following will love it.
Midway through Luke P. apologizing for calling Luke S. a gap-toothed bitch (I paraphrase), Hannah just up and abandons the conversation. I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Honestly, if I were Hannah, I would have just shot them both by now. You’re an absolute SAINT, sweetie!
Chris Harrison tells the men that the cocktail party is now over because Hannah has had it with all their bullsh*t. I mean, those are my words, not his because Chris Harrison has yet to do anything other than the bare f*cking minimum all season and has not uttered one single word more than he’s contractually obligated to give. He’s a petty bitch and I love it.
WHAT. Seconds before Hannah is about to give out the first rose Luke S. asks if he can grab her for a second. Can he just do that?? That doesn’t feel like it should be allowed…
GUYS AT THE ROSE CEREMONY: What do we think Luke S. is saying to her??
MIKE: He’s trying to save his manhood.
Lol. If by “manhood” you mean his sh*tty tequila lifestyle brand by trying to get the upper hand one last time before he’s booted from the show, then yes, possibly.
And what do you know, Luke S. is sending himself home! Color me SHOCKED. It’s almost as if he decided he was on the show long enough to secure himself a spot on Bachelor in Paradise and so he decided to peace out before Luke P. could actually injure him. Crazy.
Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah starts calling out men’s names and I’m weirdly anxious considering I can pretty much guess who’s going home at this point. I think it’s because I’m secretly very into Grant, who has gotten almost zero screen time all season so I feel as if his days are numbered. (And if you’re wondering who Grant is, he’s the one who looks a little like an alcoholic Bill Pullman, but it WORKS for me.)
It just works!
Final Rose Cut: JPJ and Matteo also get booted this week. They’ll join Luke S. as they head back to the Bumble DMs they crawled out of. Until Paradise, guys!
Mike’s One-On-One Date
This week, Hannah and the men are off to Scotland. Considering how spectacularly Hannah was able to butcher the history of her own goddamn country, I can’t wait to see how she’ll embarrass us overseas. Though I would be willing to bet my brunch reservations that Outlander is Hannah’s favorite show and that’s where she will be referencing any and all of her historical facts throughout the episode. *turns up volume*
She’s like, “there’s so much culture here and also Mary Queen of Scots was bitchin’” and then immediately looks to the camera for confirmation that she memorized their pre-written statement correctly. You were certainly close, girlfriend!
Hannah chooses Mike for the first one-on-one date in the same way that I chose to have Quiznos for lunch today: it was just there and in my immediate line of sight. Seriously, could she BE anymore half-hearted about this date?
I love how Hannah is like, “okay guys fresh start! no more drama!” and the second she walks out the door, it’s like a Real Housewives reunion.
For their date Mike and Hannah don’t do anything special, they just explore Scotland. And by “explore” I mean drink their weight in scotch and then drunk-eat haggis. Is it just me or do Hannah’s dates tend to turn into things that I just do between the hours of 11pm and 2am?
Hannah tells Mike that she’s done a lot of soul searching in the three weeks since she’s been named the Bachelorette. She’s like, “I realized I’ve just been going from man to man and not taking time for myself which is why I’m on a show dating 20 men at once.” Yes, that sounds like real growth to me!
MIKE: I’m just so nervous because it’s been half a decade since I’ve been in love.
Soooo five years then? I’m sorry, but 2015 was not that long ago, buddy. And also, what’s your point? It’s been five years since I’ve been on a single date that didn’t ended in “what’s your Snapchat handle?” or “should we just split this bill then?” WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSSES TO BEAR.
The Group Date
Moving on to the group date this week. The men are in high spirits because Luke P. and his steroid habit won’t be there to sabotage their chances at impressing Hannah. Now if they can’t get her attention, they’ll just have to blame their own mediocrity. This should be good.
Hannah challenges the men to a date involving feats of strength and other typical highland game activities. They all fail miserably. Hannah’s like “I’m most concerned with their sh*tty ax-throwing aim” but I feel most concerned that apparently none of them chose to wear underwear on this date??
Lmao. Dylan lets out a scandalized scream at the sight of one of some other guy’s nut sack. He’s like “I just saw your balls, Connor!!” Never mind that there’s a family of five sitting front and center to this sh*t show. There’s always therapy for little Johnny, I guess.
Okay, why can’t any of these men throw an axe? Almost 90% of them look like they still own, and frequently wear, a rush T-shirt, and yet, they’re acting as if they’ve never played a game in which you need to throw something long-distance at a target. I guess it looks a little different when there aren’t solo cups and kegs of PBR involved, amiright boys?
Jed wins the competition but, like, how tho? Tyler was the only one to hit the target and looked like a goddamn snack while doing it. All I saw Jed do was play a game of slap and tickle with Hannah on the muddy ground and that makes him a winner?? Am I taking crazy pills?!
Hannah seems equally surprised that Jed won, but that could just be because, in addition to being crowned the winner of the Highland Games, he also now co-owns a square foot of Scottish land with her. Congratulations, Hannah! You’re now a land owner with a virtual stranger. Your parents must be so proud.
OMG. HANNAH. She tries straddling Jed and it goes horribly with that mermaid tail she’s trying to pass off as a cocktail dress. It’s the absolute last dress she should be wearing for all this dry humping, but fine. I’m actually feeling more uncomfortable watching this makeout scene than poor Kevin who looks like he just walked in on his parents f*cking and didn’t immediately leave the room. Aw, buddy. It’ll be okay!
Okay, Hannah is HORNY this episode. Peter The Pilot is trying to dry hump her to completion on that pool table, then she’s got Tyler pinned to the bed five minutes later.
Something tells me that after watching this back home, her MeeMaw’s prayer circle is about to hold extra sessions this week.
Luke’s One-On-One Date
Lol, Hannah’s date card for Luke is legit a threat. Luke is smiling and smirking about it, but I think someone just got a note like this on the episode of Criminal Minds I just watched.
Yikes, this date is so painful to watch. It’s like when they aren’t trying to swallow each other’s faces whole, they have literally nothing to say to each other. Wild.
Hannah jumps right in with the hard questions and starts grilling him about his Regina George status in the house and why he can’t make nice with literally anyone.
HANNAH: Can you explain why I see one side of you but the men see something else?
Did Luke really just say he’s beloved everywhere he goes? That is seriously something a sociopath would say. Or me, a bottle of pinot deep, explaining why I’m still single to my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hannah keeps asking Luke to explain his toxic behavior in the house, but in a way that is confusing for even me to comprehend. I think I understand what she’s trying to say: that she feels drawn to him, but then he opens his mouth and speaks like he’s reading a Hallmark movie script, and she’s immediately disgusted by him, but the way she’s saying all of that is v v confusing.
HANNAH: Please explain your toxic behavior.
HANNAH: Did you hear me? I said DO YOU PREFER SPAGHETTI OR MACARONI AND CHEESE??
The blank stares Luke is giving her right now are absolutely priceless. Tbh, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was revealed at the end of this season that Luke is actually a robot built in a secret lab deep in the bowels of ABC studios, trained only to spit out platitudes and drink protein shakes. He just looks so confused when Hannah asks him to do anything else. Case in point:
HANNAH: I just want you to be a real human being and share your feelings with me.
Christ. You can practically see his circuits frying. Hannah, I beg of you, please send this guy back to the CrossFit basement he crawled out of. PLEASE.
And on that note, it looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Hannah actually sends Luke P. packing. Until then!
Images: Giphy (3); @grant_eckel06 /Instagram (1); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
For those of you who read Reality Steve, I’m sure you know the answer to this question. But I like to approach my reality TV watching as though we still lived in simpler times, when we simply allowed the television to tell us what happened next, instead of ruining everything by reading a synopsis online like a bunch of maniacs. This is all to say: please don’t spoil the season in the comments. Let us speculate in peace about why oh why Luke P., aka the guy who’s been acting like he wants to wear Hannah’s skin as a suit, was spotted at a bar in Birmingham, Alabama last night.
Luke P is,
and i cannot stress this enough,
at el barrio in birmingham. pic.twitter.com/IZxSsXBKjf
— lacey (@dddrop_the_lace) May 30, 2019
Twitter user lacey did America a giant favor last night by snapping some not-so-discreet pics of Luke out at a bar in Birmingham. As some of you may recall (roll tide!), Hannah herself is from Alabama, though a quick Google search reveals she was born in Tuscaloosa, and raised between there and Northport, Alabama. A quick Google maps search (look at me, revealing all my tricks) shows that Birmingham is a solid hour drive from both Tuscaloosa and Northport. So, certainly not an insurmountable trip—but it also means Luke’s not exactly in her backyard.
This caused people (my friends I was out with at the bar when they showed me this tweet) to wonder: did Luke make it to the end? Did he (god forbid) actually win? Was he in Birmingham in some desperate ploy to win Hannah back after being eliminated? Was he going to pull a Jason and show up with a scrapbook? I had to find out the truth.
Spoilers ahead of Luke’s Bachelorette journey. You have been warned.
Twitter reactions to this news have ranged from “please no” to “go read Reality Steve,” with another gracious Twitter user popping in to (spoilers spoilers get out now spoilers) confirm that Reality Steve says Luke P.’s trip to Alabama is not Bachelorette related. Phew! The mystery of who does get Hannah’s final rose is intact, but we have some confirmation that Hannah doesn’t make the worst possible choice and end up with Luke.
I actually just DM’d @RealitySteve …says it’s not Bachelorette related. It’s okay everyone! ?
— Laura Goldman (@GOODasGOLDman) May 31, 2019
For those of you wondering why exactly it would be so bad for Hannah to pick Luke: well, I take it you’re not watching the show, which makes your presence here confusing, but whatever. Luke might be the most toxic presence on a Bachelor franchise since Leo in Paradise, which is really saying something. (I don’t count Cam as an equal threat because he was eliminated so quickly. Luke has more staying power.) Luke got the first impression rose, and clearly he was reading Bachelorette subreddits before he got there, because he seemed to know immediately that that made him a frontrunner.
What he didn’t know, however, was that being a frontrunner does not give you permission to act like Hannah is 1) only there for you or 2) your literal property. Luke fails on both those counts, constantly trying to pull Hannah away from the group, loudly announcing that he “wouldn’t leave” Hannah’s hotel room even if she asked him to, and saying he’ll “pretend that conversation never happened” when Hannah gives him rightful sh*t about his attitude. On top of that, there’s his totally alarming refrain of “she’s everything I’m looking for in a woman,” which almost always means “I have a very specific checklist called Things A Woman Should Be and the second she smashes my fantasy I will turn on her.”
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I just want to address the elephant in the room here really quick. First I want you all to know how hard it has been for me to watch myself this season so far. Regardless of what is aired AND IF @alabamahannah and I are together or not my behavior in all situations has been and will continue to be exposed. I have learned a lot and I am continuing to learn about my flaws as a man. I’m the first to admit I am far from perfect. This journey has giving me a great opportunity to grow and mature as a man, for that I am grateful. For those of you who are on this journey with me I am grateful for your support and hope you get to learn and grow from my mistakes with me!
To his credit, Luke P. (or his publicist) has at least recognized that his on-screen behavior has been troubling, and offered an Instagram apology. That being said, red flags are red flags—and while I’m glad that Luke’s presence in Alabama is reportedly not because he’s engaged to Hannah, I’m also not crazy about the idea of him being sent home and then planning an impromptu trip to Hannah’s home state. Yes, it could be totally innocent. But Hannah, if you’re reading, keep your eyes open in case he comes around. From what we’ve seen so far on The Bachelorette, I would not put it past him.
Images: @dddrop_the_lace / Twitter
Y’all, we’ve made it to Alabama Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette. Roll Tide! Sorry, I’ll stop that. It sounded weird to me too. Anyway, now that we’ve seen the first episode, I remain steadfast in my belief that Hannah is a normal person who is likeable and fun, with a nearly paralyzing fear of public speaking. So basically she’s just like us, only prettier. And to the person that asked, no ABC is not paying me to say that, but if they would like to I’m pretty cheap, and happy to give them my Venmo.
This Bachelorette is the first season in a long time for which I haven’t read any spoilers. TBH I had to force myself to stop because it was becoming a problem. Late night deep dives on Reddit, DMing Reality Steve until I was blocked, YouTube conspiracy videos—it wasn’t pretty. But since I don’t already know who wins this season, I can engage in a different kind of fun: betting on who it’s going to be. Hooray for new obsessions! Now, before I force convince my friends to place their wagers, I like to be as informed as possible. And thankfully for us, the kind folks at Sports Betting Dime sent me over the odds! Sports Betting Dime provides expert picks and industry data on sports and entertainment. I wonder if they’ll also provide the odds of whether I’ll ever be able to forget the sound of Colton shaking like a leaf on national television, because I see that in my nightmares! Let’s take a look at the odds they pulled for us before last night’s premiere!
How did they come up with these odds, you say? I’m glad you asked, because they provided a very helpful paragraph about that and I didn’t even have to write it myself.
“These odds were gathered by our team of experts, who completed a well-educated analysis of all the information floating around this season of The Bachelorette. After reviewing spoilers leaked on Twitter and Instagram, reading stories by people in the know (like, @RealitySteve) who have/had strong opinions about who was the frontrunner, etc. and factoring in age and hometown (giving a slight edge to people from the south, because that’s where Hannah’s from) our team arrived at these odds. “
Delightful. So why don’t we take a look at some of these guys, taking into account what we watched last night, and see where we should place our bets.
Luke’s odds are 3/2, which I assume are good, since they put him first on this list! (I never claimed to understand this sh*t, okay?) I can see why he’s a safe bet—he’s hot, he found Jesus in the shower (??!?!?!!), and he successfully held a brand-new baby without its head rolling off, which is my biggest fear. Very impressive. On the other hand, he did growl at Hannah from the top of a limo, and he’s from Florida, which is an automatic penalty of three million points. Sorry Luke, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. But, Luke did get the first impression rose, which means he’s virtually impossible to beat. The last four Bachelorettes all picked their first impression rose as the winner. He’s the definition of a safe bet.
Tyler G is second on my list, and his odds are 6/1 which sound good still! Unfortunately, last night was not good for Tyler. The only note I have for him is “Tyler G is getting good odds here? He didn’t blink once and his face is made of wax.” I think that was my polite way of saying I thought he seemed serial killer-esque. And yes, I did just quote myself. I can only assume these odds-makers know something I don’t. Perhaps he emerges late in the season to take the title, à la Catherine Lowe? For all the people that put money on Waxy, I hope that’s the case.
Well it’s not a good sign for Jed that everyone in my group chat was calling him Jeb last night, but it is a good sign that he’s third on my betting list. And after watching last night’s episode, I think I know why. THAT VOICE. He just sang his way into Hannah’s bedazzled gown pants with that little ditty. I’d say it’s safe to place your bets on Mr. Angel Voice. *smashes piggy bank*
Unfortunately for all of us, Jed’s Instagram is private, which means I had to pull his picture from ABC’s website, and everyone knows those pictures are the worst. Sorry Jed, but you did this to yourself.
Cam is one of the guys that got to meet Hannah early and received the rose at After the Final Rose, so it makes sense that he has relatively good odds and is fourth on my list. What does not make sense, however, is why he CONTINUES to rap everytime he is on my TV. Save that sh*t for the American Idol gag reel, sir. TBH I would subtract major points for the rap, but for some reason that I can only assume is past head trauma, Hannah loves this. She eats it right up. And he gets the first kiss of the season! So maybe he is a safe bet. Hannah claims she doesn’t have a type, but to me it seems to be “corny af”.
Some people ARE betting on this guy, sadly.
And finally we’ve come to Garrett P, who is fifth on the list with odds of 19/1. When he walked in last night I thought he was FINE, and I’m actually surprised he’s not a higher bet. He’s a golf pro, you couldn’t get any safer than a dude that chose to play the most boring sport on the face of the earth. But that’s also what I thought about Tiger Woods until his wife came at him with a club. Hmm. Whatever, he’s hot, but maybe don’t put your money on him? I certainly won’t, but I most certainly WILL be sliding into his DMs when he inevitably gets cut. Should I insult his career when I do that, too?
And that’s what the odds are looking like right now! I asked my group chat last night as to who they would put their money on and they had some interesting ideas. It’s Britney, Betch (your resident recapper) would put her money on Garrett because he’s hot (FIGHT ME FOR HIM), and our friend Dani is willing to throwdown her hard-earned cash for Jed, because she’s a sucker for musicians. And I will actually be betting on Luke, who is the clear frontrunner here, and I don’t f*ck around when it comes to my money. You betches can pay up later!!
Here are the odds Sports Betting Dime sent us after last night’s episode:
Tyler C: 4-1
Luke P: 9-1
Connor S: 19-1
Luke S: 24-1
Tyler G: 25-1
Images: Giphy (1); luke_parker777, tygwozdz, camronayala, rgarrettp/ Instagram, ABC