Wait, Luke P. Was At A Bar In Birmingham Last Night

For those of you who read Reality Steve, I’m sure you know the answer to this question. But I like to approach my reality TV watching as though we still lived in simpler times, when we simply allowed the television to tell us what happened next, instead of ruining everything by reading a synopsis online like a bunch of maniacs. This is all to say: please don’t spoil the season in the comments. Let us speculate in peace about why oh why Luke P., aka the guy who’s been acting like he wants to wear Hannah’s skin as a suit, was spotted at a bar in Birmingham, Alabama last night.

Twitter user lacey did America a giant favor last night by snapping some not-so-discreet pics of Luke out at a bar in Birmingham. As some of you may recall (roll tide!), Hannah herself is from Alabama, though a quick Google search reveals she was born in Tuscaloosa, and raised between there and Northport, Alabama. A quick Google maps search (look at me, revealing all my tricks) shows that Birmingham is a solid hour drive from both Tuscaloosa and Northport. So, certainly not an insurmountable trip—but it also means Luke’s not exactly in her backyard.

This caused people (my friends I was out with at the bar when they showed me this tweet) to wonder: did Luke make it to the end? Did he (god forbid) actually win? Was he in Birmingham in some desperate ploy to win Hannah back after being eliminated? Was he going to pull a Jason and show up with a scrapbook? I had to find out the truth.

Spoilers ahead of Luke’s Bachelorette journey. You have been warned. 

Twitter reactions to this news have ranged from “please no” to “go read Reality Steve,” with another gracious Twitter user popping in to (spoilers spoilers get out now spoilers) confirm that Reality Steve says Luke P.’s trip to Alabama is not Bachelorette related. Phew! The mystery of who does get Hannah’s final rose is intact, but we have some confirmation that Hannah doesn’t make the worst possible choice and end up with Luke.

For those of you wondering why exactly it would be so bad for Hannah to pick Luke: well, I take it you’re not watching the show, which makes your presence here confusing, but whatever. Luke might be the most toxic presence on a Bachelor franchise since Leo in Paradise, which is really saying something. (I don’t count Cam as an equal threat because he was eliminated so quickly. Luke has more staying power.) Luke got the first impression rose, and clearly he was reading Bachelorette subreddits before he got there, because he seemed to know immediately that that made him a frontrunner.

What he didn’t know, however, was that being a frontrunner does not give you permission to act like Hannah is 1) only there for you or 2) your literal property. Luke fails on both those counts, constantly trying to pull Hannah away from the group, loudly announcing that he “wouldn’t leave” Hannah’s hotel room even if she asked him to, and saying he’ll “pretend that conversation never happened” when Hannah gives him rightful sh*t about his attitude. On top of that, there’s his totally alarming refrain of “she’s everything I’m looking for in a woman,” which almost always means “I have a very specific checklist called Things A Woman Should Be and the second she smashes my fantasy I will turn on her.”

To his credit, Luke P. (or his publicist) has at least recognized that his on-screen behavior has been troubling, and offered an Instagram apology. That being said, red flags are red flags—and while I’m glad that Luke’s presence in Alabama is reportedly not because he’s engaged to Hannah, I’m also not crazy about the idea of him being sent home and then planning an impromptu trip to Hannah’s home state. Yes, it could be totally innocent. But Hannah, if you’re reading, keep your eyes open in case he comes around. From what we’ve seen so far on The Bachelorette, I would not put it past him.

Images: @dddrop_the_lace / Twitter

The Betch In Apartment 23
The Betch In Apartment 23