Well, I just looked up from doomscrolling Twitter, and apparently it’s fall now? WTF. March was yesterday, and also 10,000 years ago. I won’t lie—there’s a lot going on that’s interfering with my typical unparalleled enjoyment of *spooky season*. But, despite the odds, the seasons do continue to change, even as the world (and literally the entire West Coast) burns, and I’m going to enjoy it by injecting an extremely unnecessary amount of pumpkin into everything I put into my mouth for the next month. We’re all just finding joy where we can right now, okay?

Honestly, I have always loved this time of year. There’s really never been a better time to attach yourself to a couch and watch something that’s both terrifying and comfortingly fictional. Whether you’re obsessed with the gross and gory or you prefer a horrifying mind-trip, there’s plenty of content out there to satisfy or scare the hell out of you, depending on what you’re into. As an air sign, it is admittedly hard to focus my attention completely on one thing, so I tend to be drawn toward psychological and romantic thrillers as well as mysteries with enough twists and turns to keep my interest piqued. I also tend to have 78 projects going at once and a tendency to talk sh*t, but that’s neither here nor there. More to the point, I have a ton of obsessive TV-watching expertise, so whether your zodiac element is fire, earth, water, or air, I’ve got a recommendation for the best spooky season content for you.

Earth

Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

Y’all are a logical, grounded bunch. You’re used to friends coming to you for advice, and you’re hands down the best at keeping a secret because you’re loyal as hell. You crave stability and structure, and a gaping plot hole makes you angry for days. 

I suggest you watch Away on Netflix, a new sci-fi drama featuring Hilary Swank as an astronaut sent on the first ever expedition to Mars with her flight crew. It’ll give you a new sense of gratitude that your significant other is on the same planet as you. Another suggestion for you is post-apocalyptic thriller Bird Box on Netflix. If you didn’t see it already, it’s a great combo of gritty, physical drama with a twist that makes it more unique than your typical scary movie. Same with A Quiet Place on Hulu; it’s scary and silent, like the virus terrorizing us right now. Maybe too real?

Oldies like the classic psychological thriller Silence of the Lambs, streaming on Netflix, are also a solid choice because they’re scary but you probably know what happens—so you can revisit a fav without being so terrified that you curl up in a ball and are too afraid to get up to pee in the middle of the night. If you’re both brave and just dying for something new, try the horror crime drama series The Outsider on HBO Max. It’s based on a Stephen King novel that I found heart-stoppingly frightening because, well, duh, it’s Stephen King, but also compelling AF.

Air

Gemini, Libra, Aquarius

Air signs are all about communication. Above all, you need something entertaining, super intellectually stimulating, and that can satisfy your need to delve into the abstract while also being emotional and dramatic enough to keep your attention away from your phone. Not an easy feat. 

Just released on Netflix, supernatural horror series The Haunting of Bly Manor is a must-watch for air signs. The limited series is based on the most terrifying book I’ve ever read in my life, The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, and it’s truly haunting because there’s never a clear conclusion to the horror. and there are multiple interpretations of which perspective is the truth. It’s sure to engage the part of an air sign brain that loves conceptual thinking and also enjoys bone-chilling terror on multiple psychological levels! You won’t fall asleep until it’s starting to get light outside, but you live for that kind of mental stimulation anyway.

Another good choice for supernatural horror is The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix. Creepy but fascinating, and focused on female power, the whole “deciding between dark and light” dichotomy will appeal to air signs especially, who tend to see the world in shades of gray and believe there are three sides to every story. For the same reason, I also recommend the first season of crime-horror drama Evil, also streaming on Netflix. It’s a show with plotlines that leave plenty of room for opinionated debate, which is your favorite workout. I also recommend something truly frightening or with some twists, but that isn’t totally disgusting, since blood and gore can be a bit too in your face for an air sign. Horror-thriller movie The Invisible Man is new on HBO, starring the incomparable Elisabeth Moss. 

Fire

Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Passionate, fiery, and driven: you guessed it; it’s the fire signs. Voted most likely to hog the microphone at the bar on karaoke night, this element’s signs are also prone to tantrums when they don’t get their way. No judgment. This group is full of charisma and charm, and this lineup will give you all the drama you’ve been craving since March.

You’re missing the high of being the center of attention in a crowd. Feeling the urge to go mingle with your neighbors? American Murder: The Family Next Door is a true crime documentary film streaming on Netflix that will fix that. Seriously, be careful when watching this if you’re afraid of losing whatever faith you still have left in humanity. Ratched, a new psychological thriller out on Netflix now, is disturbing enough to be entertaining without making you hide in a closet if you watch it alone. Plus, there are some steamy scenes between Sarah Paulson and Miranda aka Cynthia Nixon, and you can watch those with your vibrator because who TF is going to stop you? One of the main themes besides basic terror is also revenge, which speaks to you on a deep level as one of the more aggressive elements.

American Horror Story: Coven, season three of the American Horror Story series, is on Amazon Prime Video and Netflix. So, on your own time, go watch (or re-watch) arguably the show’s best season, which you’re sure to enjoy because it’s all about badass women who like to be in charge and men who ain’t sh*t. Lastly, an especially scary recommendation for one of the bravest elements is the reality series Haunted on Netflix. Real people telling their real-life stories about the horrifying and supernatural things they’ve experienced, reenacted for your entertainment. Watch at your own risk.

Water

Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces

Sensitive, emotional, and naturally empathetic and nurturing, no one gives a better shoulder to cry on than a water sign. For your lineup in these stressful times, you need comfort first and foremost—and preferably some steamy romance you can watch from deep within your duvet. Water signs are also ideal scary movie-watching partners, because your borderline psychic tendencies mean you correctly pick out the twist about halfway through the movie without fail. What water signs need right now though are classics, the favorites, and honestly? I’m most jealous of this lineup. 

To start, I recommend Hocus Pocus (Disney+), one of the best Halloween movies of all time—sure to transport you to a time when things were simpler and the biggest problem we faced was the debate on candy corn. Next up on the list are movies The Nightmare Before Christmas (Disney+), or Hotel Transylvania (playing at various times on Freeform or on Hulu with live access), both great animated indulgences if you literally just need to watch a spooky cartoon for a sec, or if you have kids and need them to leave you alone. 

All five of the Twilight movies can be streamed on Hulu or Amazon Prime, for those of you who love a guilty pleasure cult-favorite. And, because we know how much you love sex and vampires, True Blood is also streaming on HBO Max, and there are plenty of scenes there to make you swoon into your glass of red wine as you bask in your “kidnapped by a fanged, shirtless angel of the undead” fantasy. If you need something new in your life, horror drama series Lovecraft Country is streaming on HBO Max and is shaping up to be a must-watch. 

If you’ve got any other recommendations, please leave them in the comments. Otherwise, grab your sherpa blanket and bottle(s) of wine so you can binge to your heart’s content as you fill out your mail-in ballot! Spooky season has officially arrived.

Images: GIPHY (4), Ehud Neuhaus / Unsplash

After taking a quick break on writing these, nothing brings me more joy than to return to recaps and know that this is the final time I’ll have to write about this piece of shit show that has dicked me around for the past 7 fucking years. Seriously, I. Marlene or whatever the shit her name is, has been a massive television fuckboi in my life. Just when you think you’ve gotten over this shit and Charlotte is A, yadda yadda, her she strolls back in with some brand new crap that hooks you back in.

Frankly I’m so done with it and her and this and where is my bottle of wine.

ME: I’m so done with PLL and Freeform. I’m never watching this show again.


I. Marlene King: I’m making a new show that’s kind of similar


ME:

WE’RE BACK

The Liars are all sitting around the street corner, talking about how they miss A so much. You’re supposed to have PTSD from getting tortured, not FOMO. Whatever. It’s clearly a dream sequence because Lucas’ weird ass is tap dancing around and Jenna is riding a fucking horse in the middle of downtown.

Turns out it’s just Mona’s crazy ass looking through a fucking snow globe. Dolls and snow globes? I feel like this show is just obsessed with shit you had in your room when you were 8. Where’s the Polly Pockets in this bitch?

ONE YEAR LATER

Another time hop, goodie.

Emily and Alison are feeding their blonde-haired, white twin girls. Ah yes, I can certainly see the resemblance to ethnic-ass Emily in these babies. Unless the dad was a fucking albino, I call hard bullshit. Ali goes to meet up with Emily’s mom in the super secret location that is the Radley. No one ever goes there, so it makes total sense!!! Who knows what they are chatting about and frankly, I don’t give a fuck.

Aria and Ezra are getting married soon and celebrating that their shitty book is now being made into a movie. Are they going to feature Nicole in it? Now that she’s like, un-kidnapped? I’m sure she’s super happy this traumatic life experience is going to be shown to the world and make her ex and his new wife like, super rich.

Spencer is looking like an American Girl doll and working at a barn with horses, while Toby, who looks like he’s been sleeping on a park bench for a few weeks, comes strolling in. They talk about horses and his time in Africa with all the birdies and the monkeys. She’s in law school apparently too. Spencer shows him a horse who loves her and I’m pouring wine because it’s way more important.

Hanna and Caleb are arguing over the fact that Hanna has invited Mona to live with them. Hanna’s pretty quickly forgiven Mona for trying to kill her, whereas I have friends I stopped speaking to because they never gave me back my favorite backless top from H&M. I’m looking at you, Hailey.

Ali’s back to teaching and is apparently teaching Ezra’s book in class? Good to know some schools banned To Kill A Mockingbird but keep a good romance book on deck. Thanks, Betsy DeVos!

That bitchy girl Addison is there and Ali tries to threaten her, which is like, not a good look as a teacher. Addison gently reminders her that she’s a dyke who has been a victim of attempted murder like 50 times and strolls out. Am I Addison?

Some deaf girl is looking in her locker and sees a doll with a knife through it. Seriously? Who picks on the deaf girl? Also, how many people with disabilities are on this show? I think I knew like, one kid who was partially blind in high school.

Speaking of blind, did you know Jenna is? Idk if that’s ever been said on this show!

Jenna is the new “life skills” teacher at school, which seems way more relevant that Geometry. Maybe she can teach them how to do taxes instead of forcing them to learn SOH CAH TOA. Addison tries to fuck with Jenna, who tells her that she can “smell a bitch from a mile away.” Is this a skill all blind people have? Is this why I know so few of them?

The Liars decide to throw a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party (my nightmare) for Aria and Ezra at the Lost Woods Resort—which is nice and clean and has less dead people in it now. 4/5 stars on Yelp! Of course, they are being watched by Melissa? Huh. Okay.

Every PLL Watcher When Melissa is under the hoodie:

Hanna and Caleb are arguing the whole time, yadda yadda. Everyone leaves to go bone (except Toby and Spencer who play Scrabble like the losers they are), Melissa takes off a mask (shocking because this never happens!!!) and reveals that it’s Mona the whole time.

Every PLL Watcher When The Melissa mask comes off and it’s Mona:


Hanna and Caleb are trying to get pregnant apparently. Like wtf? Aren’t they like, 26? And housing a fucking murderer in their apartment? I feel like maybe they have some other things to figure out.

Aria gets a phone call in the middle of the night and starts crying saying she can’t marry Ezra. She’s literally the girl who has cried “I can’t get married!” like 8 times this season. Apparently that was her doctor, making a very casual midnight phone call to let her know that she’s infertile. Have a good sleep tho!!!

For the first time in the history of this show, Aria doesn’t keep this information a secret and actually tells Ezra. Damn, this one year has changed you.

Spencer goes to visit MD in jail and is acting super fucking weird. Calling her mommy and holding her hand. You can hop off MD’s tit now, Spence. She asks for help with something, which is code for prison break. This ain’t my first rodeo.

It’s Aria’s engagement party and Hanna decides to bring Mona as a plus one. Kinda a low budget remake of Wedding Crashers rn. Ali sneaks off with Emily’s mom and Emily fucking screams at high school girls (who are serving food at the dinner) about being friends with Addison. It’s very clear this is supposed to be a parallel to Alison/the Liars and it’s trying way too hard.

Ezra goes up to Aria’s dad and is like “I didn’t ask for your permission to marry Aria, my b.” He and Byron bond over the fact that they both fucked their students a few times and all is well. Don’t ya just love a happy ending?

PLL really balled out on this episode because every parent is there. Who is getting a pay cut to support this? You know they had to fire Karen from A/V in order to get both of Aria’s parents in one place. They spared Tom in accounting though by not including Jason or Mike in anything.

All the moms get drunk while Spencer drives them home. Hanna’s mom tells Hanna that inviting Mona was a shit idea and leaves. I feel a kinship with her in this moment. There is nothing I love more than getting drunk and criticizing other people. That’s why I have been working at Betches for so long.

Ezra and Aria fight because it turns out that Aria DID know for a while that she was infertile and didn’t tell Ezra. Damn, just when you think they’ve learned. He starts talking about how their love is not the same and then runs off. Can’t wait for the wedding tomorrow!

Emily starts yelling at Ali about how she was talking to her mom. We’re clearly not at the Pride parade anymore. Ali finally gives in and proposes to Emily while wearing a fugly pug sweater. You read that right. The wardrobe people at PLL are trying to really shove it up our assholes at this point.

Hanna tells Caleb that she’ll kick Mona out in the morning. Nothing makes Caleb’s dick harder than Hanna ditching her friends and they go try to make a baby.

CALEB: Mona should be good to stay here until tomorrow. Everything will be fine!


NARRATOR: Everything was not fine.

Meanwhile, Spencer decides she’s over playing games—literally, she’s sick of Scrabble—and fucks Toby. They have sex in the cabin and it looks pretty vanilla, as one would expect from tight-ass and lizard boy. Can we acknowledge how much sex is in this episode? Like wow they really waited 7 years to show us the beginning stages of missionary. Neato.

Either this is another shitty time warp, or Spencer is also back at her place in the shower. She hears a piano playing and walks out to her living room. Wait, she heard the piano playing while she was in the shower? I think the witness has made it clear she was “in the shower”.

Either way Mona hits her over the head.

MONA: Knock knock


SPENCER: Who’s there?


MONA: Hard metal object


SPENCER: Hard metal object who?


MONA: I’m gonna hit you over the head with a large metal object

Spencer wakes up in a fucking dungeon looking at a mirror. How many dungeons are in this town? There are more underground lairs than mailboxes in Rosewood. Hold up—the mirror is doing different shit than she is because it is not a mirror, IT’S HER FUCKING TWIN. THANK YOU EVERYONE I CALLED THIS SEVERAL EPISODES AGO, THAT’S IT, RECAP IS OVER.

MD comes in and is like “oh shit you were supposed to be asleep” and knocks her out again. E tu, Mommy? And the fuck bitch, why are you not in jail? Idk why I’m even surprised.

Ezra is talking to someone at the hotel when Spencer, but not Spencer???, walks in. Ezra starts talking to her, basically sealing that this will end badly for him.

Anyways, back to Spencer’s twin, Alex. She’s British. Not in a hot way—in a very fake accent “‘ello Govnah!” kind of way. SO THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS COMPLICATED. Let me explain this quickly so not to create even more confusion (mostly on my end).

1. A lonely British boy walks into a bar after hooking up with his fiancée’s sister (Wren)
2. Happens to meet Alex who works there
3. Thinks it’s Spencer. Hopes it’s Spencer because he’s a fucking weirdo. Tells Alex about Spencer.
4. Alex becomes obsessed with Spencer.
5. Everyone just stab Spencer!!!!!!!!!!!!

The learning lesson is that bars are a magical place where dreams come true and families can be reunited, I say aloud in my AA meeting.

So not only is this girl AD, but she’s also been pretending to be Spencer. Once when she comforted Hanna while she was getting tortured, once when she kissed Toby and said goodbye to him and also when she fucked him like a day ago.

Alex says she’s jealous of Spencer’s life, friends, family and Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Not sure why she’s so jealous of her family—their dad has impregnated every bitch in this town. She wants to be Spencer SO BADLY that she even had Wren shoot her in the same spot Spencer was shot.

Okay I’m fucking scrambling to write this all down now. Here are my notes—written raw, by my drunk ass.

1. Why is Wren not mad his girlfriend is fucking a lizard part time

2. Wren is clearly obsessed with Spencer too

3. Everyone needs therapy here

4. Wren tells Alex to admit to Spencer/the Liars who she is and they will forgive her

5. Probs not

6. She says “probs not” too. We are in agreement. Stupid Wren.

7. Wren tells her that he loves her as Alex, not Spencer. Still shoots her doe? Kinky.

8. Spencer asks where Wren is.

9. ALEX KILLED HIM AND TURNED HIS ASHES INTO A DIAMOND?!?!??!

10. CAN YOU EVEN TURN ASHES INTO DIAMONDS?!?!?!

ALEX: I loved Wren


WREN IN HEAVEN: 🙂

ALEX: But I’m going to move on to Toby


WREN IN HEAVEN:

They all go to Aria’s shitty wedding, Alex pretending to be Spencer, and are hanging out. Alex asks to hold Ali’s babies and tells them that they have Wren’s eyes—so yeah, he’s the Dad. Fuck man. This shit is getting SKETCH.

Also, Aria’s dress looks like something my grandmother thought was ugly in the 1930’s. Take it off and go fuck yourself, PLL wardrobe.

MD comes to Spencer and tells her that she’s stuck in there too. She tries to feed Spencer and she’s like no thanks.

MD TO SPENCER:

MD tells Spencer more about Alex while they eat. MD didn’t know where Alex went but apparently sold her off like some Old Testament stuff. I think that was illegal even in the 90’s but whatever. She sold her to a British family who thought she was too crazy and brought her to an orphanage. The girl who shot herself so she could stalk her twin?! Crazy?! What were they thinking!!!!

MD comes in to hug Spencer and locks her back in her cage, like the caring mother she is. Spencer stole a bobby pin from MD’s hair though… and apparently is going to use it to get out of this high-tech cave. How did Orphan Black even afford this place?

Aria is now freaking out because guess who isn’t at the wedding—her brother Mike. LOL jk fuck that guy, Ezra is missing.

Ezra ends up in the AD cave with Spencer and they both are like, “hey we’re in some shit right now.” Apparently Ezra asked Alex something that Spencer had mentioned and she couldn’t answer correctly. He got suspicious so Alex kidnapped him. Seems legit.

So Alex comes back, says she’s going to kill Ezra, but first wants to tell Spencer about her life. Like anyone cares. Here we go:

1. Wren introduces Alex to Charlotte and they bond over being sisters and stalkers and into shitty British guys.

2. Charlotte and Alex say they both want family, yet spend YEARS torturing their own twin.

3. Charlotte happens to meet Rollins on a plane and they “have one of the greatest love affairs of all time.” Ah yes, Snaggle and Charlotte. Up there with Romeo and Juliet, really.

4. Jenna introduced Noel to the A team in exchange for money for her eye surgery.

5. Her eye surgery failed and Noel got his head chopped off, sad.

6. Not before he killed Sara Harvey for being too fucking nosey (and annoying).

7. Snaggle did the whole “marry Ali and blackmail MD” shit on his own. Rogue One over there.

8. Sydney was irrelevant and being blackmailed.

9. Charlotte gave AD all the money from the Caresemi Group, hence, dope AF underground lair.

10. Basically everyone is irrelevant and this plot makes no sense.

After Charlotte died, Alex came here to pick up where she left off, because they are sisters—they stick together!

Alex leaves to go play with the horse from earlier, who immediately is like “neighhhhhhh bitch get the fuck away from me.” Horse is woke AF.

The police department has let the Liars know that MD escaped and the Liars don’t think “huh, wonder if that has something to do with Ezra going missing.” Fucking morons.

Jenna meets with Spencer’s mom about the deaf girl getting bullied and walks past Alex. Jenna, with her super blindness but also super nose, smells that Spencer’s perfume is different. She’s like “what kind of fucking monster changes their perfume preference?” and immediately calls Toby to tell her that Spencer isn’t Spencer.

So yes, fucking Jenna pulls the fuck through. Toby was LITERALLY inside this girl and couldn’t figure it out, while Jenna smelled her.

REPORTER: Jenna, how did you know it was her?


JENNA: Perfume rules are simple and finite. Every Cosmo girl would have known!

Toby, like all Rosewood PD officers, was way late to the game on that one. He tells the Liars this theory, saying that the book Alex gave him years ago with that kiss, is not Spencer’s. They are all like “this is so crazy! Spencer has a twin?!” while all of us at home are like ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

It took them 3 seconds to figure out that Spencer has a twin and like 7 years to figure out everything else. WHY.

Who saves them next? Mona, OF COURSE. She’s been spying on them and turns out, is not on the AD team. She tells the Liars where AD is hiding Spencer/Ezra (the house Toby built) and they decide to forgo calling the police per usual and go find the friend they never even realized was missing.

MD tells AD to let this shit go and they can run away together. First of all, hate to remind y’all but MD LITERALLY SOLD YOU. Probs would not want to take a vacay with her. Also, Alex says no because she “wants to bring Toby”. MD reminds her that Toby loves Spencer, not Alex, so Alex fucking punches her.

So this whole thing starts at a bar and continues because Alex is obsessed with Toby. What the flying fuck.

Spencer manages to free both her and Ezra and they are trying to escape. Meanwhile, the hash sling, the slash slinging, the hash swinging, THE AXE WIELDING EVIL TWIN is following them. They end up in the Hunger Game-looking dome with a house. Everything is fake, except, whoops, the rock Ezra hits his head on.

The twins get into a fight and the axe goes flying. Toby (with a gun) and the crew show up, asking which Spencer is real. They do the classic twin mix-up game and Toby asks Spencer her favorite poem. Ugh, fucking over-achieving Spencer can’t just say the name of the poem—she’s got to recite it. In French. Just kill them both, Toby.

Finally, Rosewood PD decides to fucking show up and everyone is saved. And by finally, I mean 7 seasons later.

Now, Aria and Ezra finally get married. In the church where like, 10 people have died, and while Aria wears a tight, short dress. GOT ITTTTTT.

They all walk off and talk about how amazing it is that they are all happy. Toby and Spencer are together—she must have overlooked him fucking her twin? Aria and Ezra are married. Ali and Emily are engaged. Hanna is pregnant. I have successfully finished a bottle of wine. All is well.

BUUUUUT we go France now? Crazy-ass Mona (who I thought was like, on parole) is in France running a fucking doll shop. She goes downstairs, sips on tea and watches her prisoners MD and AD. How did they escape? How did Mona bring them all the way to France? How fucking psychotic is she? Why am I so fucking stoked about this? Mona has finally won the game.

It’s over. I say as I down some more wine.

But then Addison goes missing in the same way Ali did originally. Fuck you, I. Marlene. Just fuck you. I’m not doing this with you. Stop trying to make PLL 2 happen. PLL ORIGINAL DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

Let’s recap: This was horse shit. A character that didn’t exist for literally 5 seasons has been causing me grief for years. FOR YEARS. I’m done. I’m leaving forever. I’m getting on that stupid horse that figured out everything before the Liars did and riding off into the sunset, towards shows that actually make some fucking sense. Shhhh, sweet child. Don’t ask questions. What’s that quote—don’t cry because it’s over, smile because Game of Thrones comes back in 2 weeks.

Peace out betches. – B.W.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the nightmare that has been Pretty Little Liars is coming to an end later this month. After seven years, these ladies are finally going to have to go on auditions again, and Freeform (RIP ABC Family) will have to fill its slot with some other shitty, confusing show.

But don’t despair, if you’re still a 10th grader on the inside and are sad to see the show go, there’s one last way you can pay your respects. At the Warner Bros. Studio in Los Angeles, there’s a special PLL exhibit that will be on display all summer. According to Warner Bros., “Tour guests can see authentic props, set pieces, costumes, and Pretty Little Liars filming locations.” Are you thinking what we’re thinking? FIELD TRIP.

Seriously, if you’re in LA this summer, skip the stupid art museums and head straight to the Warner Bros. lot. The exhibit contains some incredible props, including the ACTUAL board game, that fucking black hoodie, and the actually stunning painting of Alison that Sasha Pieterse should really ask to take home when it’s all over.

After all that you’ve given to this show over the years, seeing the exhibit will also require a financial contribution, and it’s steep. Tickets are $62, which seems absolutely ridiculous to us, but surely there are teens out there with really delusional parents who won’t mind. If you’re willing to cough up the cash, the exhibit runs through August 15, and there’s only a small chance you’ll get kidnapped by A.D. if you go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.

Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:

AT ALI’S HOUSE

Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.

Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.

THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.

Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.

Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?

New Detective: 

The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.

Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.

Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”

The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.

Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.

Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.

IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD

The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”

Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.

Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”

Alison:

Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.

Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.

AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.

This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:

Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?

Liars: *crickets*

Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.

I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.

LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.

We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?

The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.

The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.

Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.

And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.

Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?

Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?

Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!

Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?

Me watching all of this shit go down:

New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.

And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.

Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…

Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.

The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.

Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.

She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”

Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.

Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.

Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.

Aria:

Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.

Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”

Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*

Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.

Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.

Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.

Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to steal your man seduce Toby?

Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.

BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE

All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.

Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?

Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.

The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!

Onto another thrilling week of Pretty Little Liars. I mean seriously, when does this show fucking end already? I feel like at this point I’m just a dying dog praying for a fucking mercy kill. End this goddam show so I can move on with my life and onto Game of Thrones, I beg of you.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

No one knows what crawled up Rosewood PD’s ass and made them decide to become actual enforcers of the law, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Like, bring back Wilden.

Spencer is getting questioned by a detective and he’s like “do you remember the night you went to Radley?” and she’s like “oh the night I fucked your boss in an elevator? That night?”

He keeps asking her questions about that night and she just keeps screaming “I DON’T RECALL.” This cop is looking at her like, could you keep your Tourettes under control for like one fucking second. This is the route Brendan Dassey should have taken.

DETECTIVE: Is this you in the photo at the Radley


SPENCER:

Meanwhile in fairy town lesboland, Emily is building a nursery for hers, Ali’s and some other dude’s baby. Ya know, typical doting parent activities. Ali tells Emily she can live in the house with her and Emily practically creams in her camo pants.

Ezra and Aria exist. Bummer, right? Ezra is trying to move along with marrying her and whatnot and asks her to take dance classes.

ARIA’S RESPONSE:

Spencer tells the Liars she got drunk and will probs get them arrested for murder. Weirdly, I’ve had similar conversations before.

The Liars freak out and eventually decide to end this illegal activity by doing another illegal activity. One door closes, another felony opens, amiright?

Hanna and Emily decide to break into Radley and get Spencer’s drunk receipt out. Emily knows the schedule because she was a shit bartender for five minutes and Hanna is just the worst daughter ever.

Ezra meets his and Aria’s book publisher to go over their upcoming press tour. Of course, all the questions are about Nicole because like, kidnapping by foreign terrorist—so hot right now. He’s like “but I’m engaged to Aria” and the publisher is like “yeah, about that. ¯_(ツ)_/¯”

Of course, Caleb can hack into the security system at the Radley. Why has no one suspected him of literally anything? He has fucked half the girls in the room and literally built half this town it seems like. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

The game starts to play and tells Hanna’s fat ass to go rob a computer store. AD also texts Aria and is like “lol jk it’s your turn you doe-eyed bitch.”

Hanna doesn’t want Caleb to go to the computer store with her and he’s like “but I wannnnnnnna!” Hanna literally cannot take a shit without Caleb being right there. I’m sure Caleb can even hack into the Rosewood sewers and see that shit float lazily into the pipes.

Hanna thinks she had something to with Spencer getting blacked out and getting them investigating for murder. She’s like “I broke up her relationship and that’s why she’s getting in trouble for murder!” and it’s like okay, yeah, but you also committed the murder. Idk, that seems like the real problem to me.

Spencer goes to help Emily with the nursery and is like “I think I’m just going to fuck the detective and see if he’ll give me a break.” Emily is tells her to get over herself and Spencer is like “UH, wtf. You live in a carpet munching dreamland. Idk what I’m even talking to you for—you’re a virgin who can’t drive.”

Ezra is torn about doing the media tour and Aria’s like “omg no it’s fine, please do it!” You know something’s wrong when Aria’s selfish ass doesn’t want to talk about herself.

Spencer shows up to the detective’s shit hole of a house and is like, “oh, you’re poor as fuck.” Seriously, does this police department need to go on strike? No wonder he wants to solve this case so badly—maybe he’ll get a raise and be above the poverty line.

She tries to take off her clothes and he’s like “the fuck bitch, put your cardigan back on.” She is acting weird AF, further solidifying my twin theory from last week.

She’s like “honestly, he died because he sucks.” Well, that sounds good enough to me. Case closed. Wanna go grab some pizza after this?

The detective has the weirdest boner from this vigil anti-murder thing she has going. He’s like “you can’t murder people” but also like “I’m gonna murder da pussy.”

DETECTIVE RN:

Spencer is like “can you stop being a cop for a second and let me get away with murder???!?” He’s like “we had sex once and now you want me to cover your murder?” I did not leave the Southside for this!

His phone rings and of course, he leaves her with all the evidence. And of course, she steals some. BECAUSE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

The Liars get together to watch it and see it was Lucas’ testimony the night after Charlotte’s murder. Lucas sells Hanna out and says he can’t be her alibi. He also says that she probs didn’t commit murder but her friends are fucking psychos and like, it’s not totally out of their character. All of the Liars are super offended by this, of course.

LIARS: How dare he say we kill people!?


LUCAS: Well, there was Noel. And Snaggle. And…


LIARS: I would really like to be excluded from this narrative. One that I did not ask to be a part of since 2009.

Hanna still believes that there is no way in hell Lucas is A. She goes on a tangent about how she loves her friends, and all the little birdies and the monkeys, and how they would never hurt her.

ARIA BE LIKE:

Hanna says that she has to deliver something to A at the school and Aria suggests they stake out the locker. No one knows about the locker, so mistake one.

Emily is shoving food and prenatal vitamins down Ali’s throat and Ali’s like “what the fuck climbed up your clam.” Emily goes on a rant about Ali leaving her and all this bullshit. Fuck, I hate this show.

Hanna gets instructions to drop off the hard drive at the computer store at the exact same time she is supposed to be robbing her mom’s business of evidence. Priorities, right? They decide to all split up so Hanna can complete both tasks.

Aria’s like “oh wow, huge bummer but my boyfriend has this thing to do, so I can’t come help you stop our stalker. My b!”

Mona shows up and is like “okie dokie! Time to play the game that can murder me!” like it’s a game of Candyland. Did her parents ever tell her they loved her, I mean seriously.

Hanna’s like “you can’t sit with us!” and Mona is like “I have literally saved your fucking life like 10 times, let me into the goddam group.” Hanna knows they can’t let her in because Mona wears hoop earrings and hoop earrings are Aria’s thing.

Ali and Emily are staking out the high school by literally not doing that at all. They are visibly standing in the hallway, having a full on conversation and miss the person who comes to the locker—aka their only job. They are going to be great parents. We all know which kid is going to fall into Harambe’s cage next.

They chase after “A” and then Ali gets shoved to the ground. Emily immediately shuts this shit down.

They go home early and Aria happens to be there, fucking destroying their nursery. She trips and falls like 80 times and Emily almost catches her.

Meanwhile, Ezra is at the book tour talking about how great Aria is, not knowing that she just smeared blood all over a changing table. Like, cool story Hansel.

Spencer, Emily and Ali are looking at the fucked-up nursery and they’re like, yo this is insane. Aria’s like “
hey, nice weather we’re having, huh?” Ali and Emily figure out that there has to be a second A because whoever did this knew they would be gone.

They are looking at the ground in the nursery and Spencer finds Aria’s fugly-ass earring on the ground. Just leave it there, it’s where it belongs. Spencer’s suspicious while Aria tries to play it off.

SPENCER, MONITORING ARIA:

Hanna is going through receipts at the Radley but can’t find Spencer’s. They only have 10 minutes to find it, so Caleb decides to break a water pipe and fuck up all the receipts.

The detective calls Spencer and is like “give me that stupid fucking hard drive you dumb bitch” and she’s like… “hmmm well, I got it at your house late at night. Should we tell everyone we’re fucking?” Spencer is the kind of girl who pokes holes in condoms.

The Liars corner Lucas, who is freaking out in his house. He says he didn’t know Charles was Cece who was A, and honestly, I get that. I still don’t know who anyone is on this fucking show.

He’s like “We stayed friends, but only through email! I didn’t know!” Catfish, accomplice to murder edition.

Lucas feels responsible for all of this because he shit talked all of them in his emails to Charles and now he’s like, trying to kill them. And she shaved off her head and I guess now she’s addicted to crack.

He’s looking for another book where vengeance is turned into a game and they’re like “YUP there it is.” He says A took it before he can find it, because duh this isn’t amateur hour. They ask him how the book ends and he says it was never finished.

Hanna tells Lucas she believes him but asks why he is selling the factory and her company? He’s like, “well I’m broke and you’re a failure.” I paraphrase.

HANNA: What’s more important that your money?


LUCAS: You.


ME:

Lucas has been friend zoned so hard it put him in a new socio-economic level.

The Detective calls Spencer in and tells her about the flood at the Radley. He’s like, don’t worry, I’m still going to find out who the fuck did this. Time to start poking them holes, Spence.

Ali and Emily are having a romantic lesbian moment that weirdly doesn’t take place in Emily’s wet dreams. Ali tells Emily she loves her and it turns into a full on makeout scene. Ugh finally. I was getting tired of this bullshit.

While Aria starts crying, A starts finishing up the comic book while wearing leather gloves. Oh, so now A can draw too? Like really, how many skills does this person have?

I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.

We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.

1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship

I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.

(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)

2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction

I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem. 

3. The Underground Kidnapping

That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.

4. A’s Financial Status

How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.

5. Ravenswood

Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.

5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers

Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right. 

6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?

Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.

(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)

7. Ezra’s Novel

Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.

Ezra:

Aria:

Me:

8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy

Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.

9. The Adults of Rosewood

Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’s finest dumbest are just like:

10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister

Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.

11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte

Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.

12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One

I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one: