We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were
living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.
1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship
I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.
(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)
2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction
I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem.
3. The Underground Kidnapping
That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.
4. A’s Financial Status
How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.
Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.
5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers
Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right.
6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?
Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.
(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)
7. Ezra’s Novel
Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.
8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy
Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.
9. The Adults of Rosewood
Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’
s finest dumbest are just like:
10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister
Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.
11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte
Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.
12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One
I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one: