If you told me four months ago when quarantine first started that I wouldn’t be itching to get back to the gym or a group fitness class, I would’ve told you that you don’t know me at all. Well here I am, five months into quarantine, and all that’s been on my mind is that I never want to go back to a gym again, and when am I going to pull the trigger on a SoulCycle at-home bike?
For me, a group fitness class was more than a way to burn calories—in fact, that was probably the last thing on my list. The most important thing these classes offered me was an escape from the real world for 45 solid minutes. $36 for a spin class may seem absurd to you, but it’s way cheaper than talking to a NYC therapist for the same amount of time. This was my me time, time when I didn’t have to answer a single work message or be accessible to anyone. It’s rare to be able to unplug during the day and this was the best excuse I could find, plus endorphins make you happy and happy people don’t kill their husbands… unless they’re locked inside with them 24/7 during a pandemic. (JK, love you hubs.)
I used to think you couldn’t get as good of a workout at home or that I’d be way less motivated, but I can without a doubt say that’s not the case. So even if gyms open and they’re clean and COVID miraculously isn’t a concern anymore, here’s why I’m quitting the gym in favor of working out at home.
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The Money Factor
Like a lot of New Yorkers, I was paying out the ass for an Equinox membership before we got locked in our homes for the foreseeable future. I was going to hide the amount of that annual membership, but for the sake of transparency, I’ll risk getting ridiculed in the comments section—but please, before you come for me, remember we’re in NYC and everything is inflated. When I first joined, the membership started at $240/month and as the years went on, they upped their price to $255/month, aka $3,060/year. Nothing says being a loyal gym member like upping the price of an already overpriced membership. But as any gymgoer knows, you know you’re still spending money on a SoulCycle class here, a solidcore class there, and that adds up real quick considering a single group fitness class in NYC ranges from $30-40.
When the pandemic hit, saving all of the money I was spending on fitness was something I really felt. No sh*t, it was a small fortune. Myself, along with the rest of the world, abruptly turned to at-home workouts, something I never really did in the past, because who voluntarily wants to workout when they get home? But as soon as I started taking live Zoom classes, I realized I actually liked them, with the number one reason being they cost ~$14 or less per class, and if you’re a saint like Gina DiNapoli, $9 or less, praise f*cking be.
This is a hell of a lot cheaper than an in-person class. For the price of one in-person class you can take almost four at-home classes, and that’s not even factoring the money you’re spending on the commute to get to/from the class. Plus, you can get away with washing your hair less frequently and repeating gym outfits, since no one even sees.
As if money wasn’t enough of a motivator to never leave my house again to workout, the convenience is next level. You know what the worst part about taking a morning group fitness class is? Actually, there are two. The first: leaving your apartment with a 20 minute buffer time and still being late to class because the subway was delayed yet again for no reason. The second: the increased anxiety you feel during the last few minutes of class before you have to sneak out to race to get into one of the three showers offered for over 40 people in the locker room.
My favorite part about working out at home is finishing my workout, sitting my ass on the couch to recover for a few minutes, then taking my sweet time getting into my own shower, to use my own products without having to wear shower shoes. As much as I liked using the gym’s towels and amenities, thanks to COVID, I realize this was probably really disgusting.
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As with everything else in NYC, fitness classes are at high demand, oftentimes forcing you to sign up a week in advance. How are you going to know what you’re in the mood to do a week from now? Working out at home allows you to cater your workouts to whatever mood you’re in the day of. Some days you’re super motivated to wake up early and work out, other days you’d rather squeeze them in between meetings—with at-home workouts, you can decide on a moment’s notice to do them whenever you want and not feel any unnecessary pressure to decide in advance.
No More Late Fees
You literally never have to worry about getting penalized for either missing, or being late to, a workout again, since they’re based off your schedule. Sure, that can lead to pushing off a workout until you no longer feel motivated to do it, but if you create a schedule, it’ll help hold you accountable. Think of all of those times you wishfully booked a 5:30pm class hoping your 4:30pm meeting would end in time, only to find yourself still in said meeting well past 5:30. It’s bad enough spending over $30 for a class, it’s even worse when you lose the class and get a penalty charge.
Since quarantine, everything has been adapted to be broadcast online, even workouts like solidcore that normally require a megaformer machine. Obv the workout is not the exact same, but my obliques hurt regardless, so I guess they’re doing something right. Basically any workout that was offered in a studio can now be streamed online, done via Zoom, or watched on IGTV. My latest obsession is Sydney Miller’s Housework, which is the closest I’ve gotten to a nightclub since the world shut down in March. So many places are also doing free trials so you can test out a bunch of things for free before even committing to purchasing.
If you’re one of the blessed who have access to a vacation home or you’re able to go away for a weekend, you can bring your workouts with you. No longer are you stuck looking for a substitute class at a random studio—now you can bring your fav instructor with you. Sure you have to bring your equipment with you, but that’s a real small price to pay for convenience.
In the time that I’ve written, read, re-read, and edited this article I am happy to announce that my husband and I finally splurged on the SoulCycle At-Home Bike. I’ll be even more happy to announce when I make my money back on it as soon as we hit 68 rides, which between the two of us, will probably be in six months.
Images: @littpro / Unsplash; houseworkofficial, jabsbygina / Instagram
I don’t need to tell you all that these are unprecedented times. Many of us have been worrying about keeping ourselves and our loved ones healthy. Healthcare workers have been preoccupied with having adequate access to PPE. Millions have been filing for unemployment. And, apparently, rich people have been itching to get back to their luxury gyms, because Equinox announced over the weekend their plan to reopen facilities—excuse me, I mean clubs.
Equinox detailed the plan to reopen in an Instagram post, writing, “The past several weeks proved something we knew all along: Equinox is not just a place – it’s a mindset. It’s in our hearts. It’s in our homes. It’s who we are.” Maybe I’m just jealous because I can’t afford Equinox, and the human petri dish of a Planet Fitness to which I belong probably started coronavirus, but no, I’m pretty sure Equinox is just a place.
But, okay, the post broke down Equinox’s plan for reopening, which they called The Equinox Standard (or what Murray Hill bros will adopt as their new system for rating women’s appearances). The plan features a number of elements. First, members must complete a “self-health check” in the Equinox app before visiting. That description is vague, but thankfully, members won’t have to put blind trust in their fellow club members to stay home if they are feeling sick. “Body temperatures will be taken via touchless thermometers,” the Instagram post explains, and members must register under 100.4° to come in.
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We believe that our brand promise, It’s not fitness. It’s life., is more relevant today than ever. It represents what we stand for, how we engage with our members and teams, and the significant role we play in their lives – especially in these uncertain times. Over the years you have placed great trust in us, and we take that responsibility very seriously. The health and safety of our community is our number one priority. That is why we are introducing The Equinox Standard, our answer to the challenge of creating not only the safest environment for our community – but one where our community feels safe. Some of the measures below are temporary and others will be permanent. Our measures align with CDC and local guidelines and are informed by our medical and infectious disease experts. We are one community, one team, and one family—we are so grateful that you are a part of it. We’re in this together. Let’s keep on keeping each other strong and safe. Swipe through to see some of the measures we’re taking, and click the link in our bio for the full list. #ItsNotFitnessItsLife
But is that enough? Dr. Purvi Parikh, immunologist with Allergy & Asthma Network, told Betches that taking temperature “can help identify people who may not realize they are sick who have a high temperature,” but warned, “since fever is a symptom it doesn’t cover all asymptomatic carriers, as many will have a normal temperature.”
Dr. Melanie Graber, an internal medicine resident at the University of Connecticut, echoed, “Temperature screening is a good tool to catch people who are having a fever, but it isn’t necessarily effective at identifying people who are infected with coronavirus.” She also said, “Temperature checking would not screen out people who are infected but asymptomatic,” whom she said can be “highly infectious”. But, even though checking temperatures may not control for all potential infections, it probably beats the Florida method of “open and pray”.
Probably the biggest change is that gone are the days of just rolling up to the gym and lying down on the mats for two hours; now, members will be required to book a club visit in advance using the Equinox app. They can schedule three 90-minute “appointments” in any seven-day period (I too use the same terminology for my workouts as for my doctor’s visits), “with additional visits subject to club capacity.”
A source close to the company told Betches, “Members are not limited to visiting the club three times per week, rather they can have up to three appointments booked at one time,” adding, “members can book up to 7 days in advance or as soon as 15 minutes before visiting if space is available.” Same day drop-ins are also permitted, but subject to availability.
Some members worry that the new booking system, combined with modified club hours to make time for thorough cleaning and disinfecting, will not allow sufficient time to get all their workouts in. And with Equinox memberships starting at $185 per month in New York City, they don’t think they’ll get their money’s worth.
One member commented on Instagram, “Is this permanent? Will membership fees be reduced due to these restrictions?” Equinox replied on Instagram that, while the restrictions are temporary, “we are not amending membership dues at this time.” The source confirmed to Betches, “We are not reducing membership rates and are confident that members will be able to continue their normal routine and that many of our measures are temporary.”
Despite the company’s confidence that workouts will not be impacted, a few members are not so thrilled about taking a $200-ish gamble with the new system. Hunter Duplisse, an Equinox member in Vancouver, had a bone to pick in a post in Betches’ Diet Starts Tomorrow’ers Facebook group. While she acknowledged the necessity of booking workout spots in advance to maintain distancing, she said, “it’s really frustrating that we’re not receiving a reduction of fees considering our access to the gym is extremely limited.”
Another aspect of the new policies that drew confusion had to do with the PPE requirements for members, which allow room for ambiguities. The post states, “Members will be required to wear face coverings at all times in the club, except while vigorously training.” Why they’re making an exception for intense exercise is unclear, and Dr. Parikh told Betches, “I actually would recommend wearing masks or face covering at all times if possible,” not just when not-vigorously training, because “we know it reduces spread of droplets by 70 percent if all people are masked.
Further, you don’t know who has been in that area training or walking or running before you—we know the virus can stay in the air even for a few hours. If it is uncomfortable to exercise vigorously with a mask, it may be better to exercise in your home if possible.”
Also ambiguous is exactly constitutes “vigorous training” and who will make that call. Margaret Doherty, another member of the Diet Starts Tomorrow’ers Facebook group, asked, “How does one know what each person’s ‘vigorous training’ looks like?” Equinox’s source didn’t clarify, telling us, “We are continuing to define what constitutes vigorous training in coordination with our team of medical experts and will update our members prior to opening so they can make the decision that is best for them.”
On top of that, Equinox’s Instagram post stated, “It is recommended but not required that members wear gloves during their visit.” Considering Americans’ track record of abiding by gentle suggestions, I predict that we will see more gloves in an Alabama sex ed class than in any given Equinox club.
Still, if you’re looking for your fancy gym to protect you from coronavirus, you may want to look elsewhere. As Dr. Graber put it, “when people go to a public space, they assume the risk that someone else who is there may be infected and contagious.” Guess the founding fathers fought for your right to decide for yourself whether you want to risk catching coronavirus from the guy with a six pack running on the treadmill six feet away from you.
Some are praising the new measures, though. @swoleengineer commented, “This makes me so proud to be an Equinox member. I’ve been missing the gym, but more importantly very hesitant about showing up again if you guys reopen without any safety measures. All of this is more than good enough for me…” @scottfishman echoed, “You guys are AMAZING – great stuff providing so many awesome safety protocols!” And, despite her dissatisfaction with the membership costs not being adjusted, Duplisse admitted she’s not actually that concerned with sanitation, writing, “I do trust that they will be able to keep locations clean because I’ve always been incredibly impressed with the cleanliness of my club.”
The post did not specify when Equinox will be reopening, or which markets will see these new policies in effect first. Their rep explained, “We will evaluate each city’s situation in coordination with health officials and our team of medical and infectious disease experts to determine when it is best to reopen.”
Sorry, New York members, I have a feeling that means you’re just going to have to do at-home workouts for a little while longer—though your apartments probably have the space. And, the source assured us, not all of the measures are permanent. “This is a dynamic and fluid situation and we will continue to adapt and evaluate existing and new protocols with the safety of our teams and members in mind,” they said, echoing the one thing we all really can say with conviction: nobody is totally sure of anything right now, and we’re all just kind of making it up as we go.
Images: Sundry Photography / Shutterstock.com; Equinox / Instagram
If you polled 20 random narcissists in LA and asked where they work out, the majority would say Equinox. They would also all tell you that they’re actors, but when you asked if you’ve seen them in anything, they’d be really vague and mention a few random names that sound like their roommate’s student films in college (spoiler: they are). That aside, Equinox just seems to be the ideal gym for your local douchebag. It’s super expensive and pretentious for being a place whose entire function is lifting heavy things and then putting them back down. That’s it, that’s the whole concept. But don’t worry guys, Equinox knows their brand.
Because they released this new ad, and it is so f*cking weird. It puts the Peloton commercial to shame. That’s right, the marketing people at Equinox were like, “how can we make a commercial that’s even worse than a husband low-key shaming his wife into working out, and a wife who seems terrified of her husband/social media?” And then they came up with… whatever the f*ck this is:
I just have a lot of questions.
It’s like they think they’re being deep by marketing douchebaggery and making it look like a Renaissance painting. The first half of this ad feels like a weird perfume commercial for a brand that’s only sold in drugstores.
(And P.S. this painting composition makes zero sense.)
Oh look, there’s a half-nude man, flashing some thigh next to a random giant head. Naturally, there’s some stairs that go into the eyeball. This painting does not follow the rule of thirds, but we can discuss that later. Or never again, which is how often I want to discuss anything involved in this ad.
And who is observing the half-nude man’s thigh? Random children.
First of all, why are we involving children in this? They don’t need a gym membership.
Like, children are learning a lesson about a narcissistic men? Children are interested in gyms? What exactly is Equinox doing with the children? There really is just no need for them to be there or be a part of this marketing. Let the kids go back to school and stop involving them in this nonsense, Equinox!
But don’t worry, it gets creepier.
The voiceover begins, “There was once a man who fell in love… with his own reflection.” Are they talking about my ex?
Sounds about right. Especially if they’re the kind of men who go to Equinox.
There’s this part where the man also gives cunnilingus to a … fruit?
Um hi, if he’s really worshipping himself, I assure you, he doesn’t do cunnilingus.
Then it goes to this image which is the definition of the phrase “Weird flex, but ok.”
All the while over these strange tableaux, the voice says, “Every inch improved, he would persist until self-worship turned him into a gift. And so I put this question to you all: does that not make self-obsession the most selfless act of all?”
So, let me get this straight: this fictional, vaguely Greek god-like dude was obsessed with himself (there I go, describing my ex again), so he decided to work out more, and his physique became so impressive that he is now considered a gift to humanity? LMFAO, no. Let me tell you right now: A man who “self-worships” is not a gift to anyone, except his own mirror. And, I guess, the gym at which he purchases a membership. So I guess they’re on the money with that?
But seriously, the world does not need more self-obsessed Chads who think they’re God’s gift to women just because they have a six-pack. How unoriginal. And, also, it’s one thing to be full of yourself, but then to turn around and claim that it’s for the benefit of those around you? No. That makes no sense. Just call it what it is, which is vanity. The size of Tyler’s biceps does not impact my life in any way, and certainly not for the better. Men, please get that through your skulls.
So naturally at this point, that’s when it’s time for the children to get crunk. After dropping this truth-bomb-that-doesn’t-actually-make-any-sense, everyone in the commercial, including the children, breaks out into spontaneous dancing. Then there’s this random old man dancing:
Right, ’cause that will help this situation from being creepy. Good job, everyone.
And then it ends with:
So to be clear, which of the following makes you a “gift to the world”? Being in shape, which literally does not affect anyone but you? Having little kids dance with the half-dressed man and then with an elderly man? What are you trying to sell, exactly? I am uncomfortable.
I’m not even sure what part of this commercial, really, was about the guy getting in shape??? Or gyms?
Good job, Equinox. How much did that ad cost you to accidentally tell the world you really want narcissists in your gyms and also somehow children?
At least you know your audience.
That’s enough internet for me for today.
Images: Instagram (@equinox); Giphy (3)
The Whelan wheels are no longer spinning on their stationary bike, it seems! Melanie Whelan, who has been with SoulCycle for about eight years, announced her resignation yesterday, and it was effective immediately—I guess she didn’t want to burn off her Thanksgiving turkey at the studio Friday. She not only is leaving her position as CEO, but also is vacating her role as the director of the company’s board. She confirmed this news on Instagram:
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After eight amazing years with SoulCycle, this week marks the end of an incredible chapter as I move on to my next adventure. I can’t even begin to describe my gratitude for the opportunity to build and lead the SoulCycle team and brand. Having started with SoulCycle when we had only seven studios and a huge dream – and with my toddlers 👆🏻along with me for the ride – I couldn’t be more proud of what this team has accomplished together. The magic of SoulCycle will always be in those dark studios. The love, the passion, the energy and the spirit of what we do is more important today than ever before. I will see you on a bike … soon. Soul People truly are the Best People.
This allegedly was a mutual agreement, with both sides thinking it was time for a change in SoulCycle leadership. But, as any fan of the Real Housewives knows, no one just “mutually decides to leave” on great terms and they ride off separately into their own sunsets. This is especially an interesting time for her to resign because it’s coming off of the heels of one of SoulCycle’s more tumultuous years. In case you forgot (because I think a lot of people actually did), there was a large conversation sparked in late-Summer when Stephen Ross, who is the majority owner of The Related Companies—which is the parent company of Equinox and SoulCycle—held a fundraiser to raise major cash for Donald Trump. It’s not surprising that a good chunk of people who like to run to a “Lizzo vs. Beyoncé” spin class were not thrilled with this news, which led to a boycott.
Besides social opinion, SoulCycle also faced competition in a way it potentially never expected this year. That’s right, the call came from inside the house—in the form of Peloton, which basically lets anyone with an apartment bigger than a walk-in closet to have their own spin studio in their living room. With premiere classes available 24/7, Peloton is not only extremely convenient for a user, but also has the same level of chicness that you used to get from saying you were going to a Soul class. Additionally, SoulCycle also tried to file for an IPO (initial public offering) which would have allowed them to sell a portion of the business to public investors. Companies usually do this in efforts to raise money, with Soul hoping to pay off debts and also open additional studios. This started in June 2015, and was the major project that Melanie Whelan was overseeing, until it ended in 2018 due to “market conditions.” Ah, market conditions, the same reason all of my relationships from dating apps end. It should be noted that Peloton was able to go public, which must have stung a little… and by a little, I mean a lot.
This news has also been met with some confusion online, mainly due to the fact that there has been no explanation from SoulCycle’s team about why this shake-up is happening. If we’ve learned anything from this company from its past year, it’s that they will just try to wipe off this story with a sweaty towel, light a few candles, and pray the media attention just goes away. In the meantime, Sunday Reddy, the chief financial officer, will be stepping in as the interim CEO until a replacement is found, with Whelan advising the transition. And I mean, since SoulCycle is basically a cult, I’m sure they’ll find someone from Herbalife or NXIVM to take it over in no time.
Images: melanieanya / Instagram
Who among us has never kept a gym membership that we never use just because canceling it is too complicated and frankly requires too much work? It’s a tale as old as time.
Well, after recent news that owner of Equinox, Soulcycle, and Blink Fitness Stephen Ross threw a high-ticket fundraiser for Donald Trump, a lot of people became inspired to actually follow through with canceling their gym memberships. However, people quickly found that canceling their memberships wasn’t as easy as they would hope.
Canceling your membership at Equinox requires going in person to fill out forms, which is gross. If I can’t do it with the click of the button, it’s an undue burden. Plus, places like Equinox have certain requirements that must be met if you want to cancel your membership, meaning you may have to continue to pay for a certain amount of time even if you no longer want to be a member.
But a certain local official is trying to change how difficult and complicated this process can be. New York City Councilman Keith Powers tweeted:
I am drafting legislation that would make it easier to cancel memberships at businesses, like gyms or fitness clubs.
The recent Equinox experiences highlighted what many New Yorkers experience daily — a complicated maze just to cancel a single membership. https://t.co/36Bs3bi5M3
— Keith Powers (@KeithPowersNYC) August 9, 2019
Essentially, Powers wants to make it a requirement for fitness clubs to have an online cancellation option. His bill also asks these companies to alert members when their memberships are scheduled to auto-renew. You love to see it.
Companies would receive a financial penalty if they failed to meet these requirements, and Powers hopes to introduce the bill right after Labor Day. So, just in time for you to cancel all your memberships once bikini season is over and start preparing for winter hibernation. Perf!
When you first hear that everyone is mad at Equinox and SoulCycle, you assume that it’s because the location they just went to was somehow out of Eucalyptus towels. Unfortunately, this past week has proved that these gyms can be doing much worse than just playing the same Kylie Minogue remixed song 15 times in two hours — their financial success could be indirectly benefitting the president.
This first came to light after it was reported that Stephen Ross, a New York real estate developer and the chairman plus majority owner of The Related Companies was throwing a fundraiser for Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign in the Hamptons tomorrow, where tickets would cost up to $250,000. So like, six spin classes.
What does The Related Companies have to do with these overpriced exercise chains? Well, when you’re an extremely rich man, you start to collect companies like college juniors collected empty alcohol bottles to display in your kitchen — because you have nothing better to do. So basically, The Related Companies is the parent company of Equinox, which has other fitness brands like SoulCycle, Blink Fitness, and PURE Yoga under its wing. Ross also owns the Miami Dolphins.
With Equinox and SoulCycle becoming almost statement pieces in the lives of many young professionals in various cities across the country, you could assume there was some immediate outrage when they saw that the owner of the company they pay hundreds of dollars to a month is potentially pocketing their change and donating it to a candidate — especially a candidate who does nothing to support the communities that these establishments claim to want to lift up (just this past June, Equinox did a Pride campaign called ‘Life’s A Ball’). Almost immediately, the story went viral with both celebrities and everyday members (myself included) calling to ask for a response from the gym. Both brands released statements that basically danced around the greater issue — calling Mr. Ross nothing more than a passive investor. Which, from my crash course MBA degree from watching hours of Shark Tank, what means that he’s not involved in the day-to-day of the business making, but he’s definitely still pocketing some change. On top of that, sure he’s a private investor to Equinox… but that is a brand that is owned by — ding, ding ding, his parent company.
As you could probably assume, this response… didn’t really change too many people’s mind. It was reported that both Equinox and SoulCycle are currently being overwhelmed with calls of members wanting to cancel, on top of a ton of notable celebrities canceling their membership and urging people to do the same. I mean, if you have Chrissy Teigen and the guys from “Queer Eye” against you, do you really stand a chance?
Just contacted @Equinox to cancel my membership after many years. Money talks, especially with these monsters. If it’s too inconvenient for u to trade one LUXURY GYM for another, then you should be ashamed. (No disrespect to the many wonderful employees at my local Equinox). Bye!
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) August 7, 2019
everyone who cancels their equinox and soul cycle memberships, meet me at the library. bring weights
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 7, 2019
Cancelled that membership @Equinox & as if! I never paid those outrageous non discounted ass soul cycle prices ?️? pic.twitter.com/L3Pf5N18P5
— Jonathan Van Ness (@jvn) August 8, 2019
Ross himself responded to the outrage in a statement to CNN last night:
“I have always been an active participant in the democratic process. … I have known Donald Trump for 40 years, and while we agree on some issues, we strongly disagree on many others and I have never been bashful about expressing my opinions,” he said. “I have been, and will continue to be, an outspoken champion of racial equality, inclusion, diversity, public education, and environmental sustainability, and I have and will continue to support leaders on both sides of the aisle to address these challenges.”
Samantha Bonizzi, a spokesperson for Equinox and SoulCycle, reiterated the brands’ social statements in a statement to CNN. “Neither Equinox nor SoulCycle have anything to do with the event later this week and do not support it. As is consistent with our policies, no company profits are used to fund politicians,” she said.
Now the waiting game is: Will Ross cancel his fundraiser tomorrow? Doubtful. Will Equinox find a way to break out from his company? Outlook hazy. Will I have a better chance at finding love at my local Crunch and not Equinox? Here’s hoping.
The new year is well under way and I bet—like, I’d literally bet $1 million on it—that you’ve already broken at least one of your New Year’s resolutions. You’ve probably been grumpy and had a bun in your hair on your way to work since you got back, and I highly doubt you’ve seen the inside of the gym more than once in the past 11 days. Plus, like, we all know you haven’t cooked a meal since before December started. But no worries betch, I feel you. I’m here to make you feel a tiny bit better about what a failure you are. Here’s how to keep a new year’s resolution like a betch.
Instead of resolving to go to the gym every day…Resolve to walk home from work three times a week (weather permitting). This way you get some exercise and it’s fucking cheaper than the $100 a month Equinox charges you. Going to the gym is great, but when you set a goal and are too lazy to actually go do it, you feel shitty about yourself and end up binge drinking wine/eating everything in sight, claiming that you’ll be better tomorrow. You won’t. Just accept that this is who you are.
Instead of resolving to stop drinking…Resolve to only drink on the weekends. You have a full-time job/are a full-time student and as stressful as doing work is, alcohol has a shit ton of calories that you literally just don’t need. However, it’s unreasonable to think that at this young age you’re going to stop drinking altogether. Unwind on the weekends like you’re supposed to and your tolerance will go down, you’ll need less to feel drunk, and the amount of calories you’re consuming won’t be as steep. You can stop drinking when you’re dead.
Instead of resolving to eat clean…Resolve to stop eating pasta more than once a week. Carbs, as amazing as they are, are fucking terrible for you. But, again, you’re young; just stop boiling pasta every night for dinner because it’s easy and buy a fucking bag of lettuce every once in awhile. You can cave when you’re PMSing but only then because honestly, there are other things to eat in your cabinet whether you’d like to admit that or not. Just like, watch out for expiration dates because we know you haven’t looked in your pantry since you moved in and your mom took you to Trader Joe’s to stock up on healthy options.
In conclusion, stop resolving to change every single thing about yourself and just accept that you hate the elliptical and you love vodka sodas and carbs. Just like, stop loving these things every single day and you’ll automatically be better than you are. May the rest of 2017 be in your favor.
From Atkins to intermittent fasting to low-carb to high-fat to juice cleanses, betches have tried every diet on the market. I mean, yeah we could just eat clean, watch our portions, and exercise regularly, but like, what’s the fun in that?
Any betch you pass in the Equinox steam room or the granola aisle of Whole Foods has tried the Paleo diet at least once. I mean, it seems to work for Nina Agdal and a ton of hardcore CrossFit bros, so why not?
If you’re not familiar with the Paleo diet, it basically restricts all dairy, grains, soy, and anything else human beings didn’t consume in ancient times. The idea is to eat like our ancestors and basically go to extremes to avoid the modern-day Western diet of French fries and churros.
If you’re a die-hard Paleo fan, you might want to sit down for this news, and put down the zoodles. According to new research published in the journal of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, you’re doing Paleo all wrong.
It all started when some researchers found 780,000-year-old remains of edible fruits and seeds in the Northern Jordan Valley, which revealed a lot about what our ancestors actually ate, and it wasn’t medium rare steak or spicy tuna tartar. Most people who follow the Paleo diet today focus mostly on meat and fish, thinking the lean protein is what makes you skinny. However, apparently our ancestors actually ate mostly vegetables, seeds, nuts, and fruit, which means meat and fish were more like the side dishes they barely touched. Looks like you can chill on all the protein for now. Should we go Vegan?