Equinox Is Trying To Rebrand Narcissism In This New Weird Ad

If you polled 20 random narcissists in LA and asked where they work out, the majority would say Equinox. They would also all tell you that they’re actors, but when you asked if you’ve seen them in anything, they’d be really vague and mention a few random names that sound like their roommate’s student films in college (spoiler: they are). That aside, Equinox just seems to be the ideal gym for your local douchebag. It’s super expensive and pretentious for being a place whose entire function is lifting heavy things and then putting them back down. That’s it, that’s the whole concept. But don’t worry guys, Equinox knows their brand.

Because they released this new ad, and it is so f*cking weird. It puts the Peloton commercial to shame. That’s right, the marketing people at Equinox were like, “how can we make a commercial that’s even worse than a husband low-key shaming his wife into working out, and a wife who seems terrified of her husband/social media?” And then they came up with… whatever the f*ck this is:

I just have a lot of questions.

It’s like they think they’re being deep by marketing douchebaggery and making it look like a Renaissance painting. The first half of this ad feels like a weird perfume commercial for a brand that’s only sold in drugstores.

(And P.S. this painting composition makes zero sense.)

Oh look, there’s a half-nude man, flashing some thigh next to a random giant head. Naturally, there’s some stairs that go into the eyeball. This painting does not follow the rule of thirds, but we can discuss that later. Or never again, which is how often I want to discuss anything involved in this ad.

And who is observing the half-nude man’s thigh? Random children.

First of all, why are we involving children in this? They don’t need a gym membership.

Like, children are learning a lesson about a narcissistic men? Children are interested in gyms? What exactly is Equinox doing with the children? There really is just no need for them to be there or be a part of this marketing. Let the kids go back to school and stop involving them in this nonsense, Equinox!

But don’t worry, it gets creepier.

The voiceover begins, “There was once a man who fell in love… with his own reflection.” Are they talking about my ex?

equinox commercial

Sounds about right. Especially if they’re the kind of men who go to Equinox.

There’s this part where the man also gives cunnilingus to a … fruit?

Um hi, if he’s really worshipping himself, I assure you, he doesn’t do cunnilingus.

Then it goes to this image which is the definition of the phrase “Weird flex, but ok.”

All the while over these strange tableaux, the voice says, “Every inch improved, he would persist until self-worship turned him into a gift. And so I put this question to you all: does that not make self-obsession the most selfless act of all?”

So, let me get this straight: this fictional, vaguely Greek god-like dude was obsessed with himself (there I go, describing my ex again), so he decided to work out more, and his physique became so impressive that he is now considered a gift to humanity? LMFAO, no. Let me tell you right now: A man who “self-worships” is not a gift to anyone, except his own mirror. And, I guess, the gym at which he purchases a membership. So I guess they’re on the money with that?

But seriously, the world does not need more self-obsessed Chads who think they’re God’s gift to women just because they have a six-pack. How unoriginal. And, also, it’s one thing to be full of yourself, but then to turn around and claim that it’s for the benefit of those around you? No. That makes no sense. Just call it what it is, which is vanity. The size of Tyler’s biceps does not impact my life in any way, and certainly not for the better. Men, please get that through your skulls.

So naturally at this point, that’s when it’s time for the children to get crunk. After dropping this truth-bomb-that-doesn’t-actually-make-any-sense, everyone in the commercial, including the children, breaks out into spontaneous dancing. Then there’s this random old man dancing:

Right, ’cause that will help this situation from being creepy. Good job, everyone.

And then it ends with:

So to be clear, which of the following makes you a “gift to the world”? Being in shape, which literally does not affect anyone but you? Having little kids dance with the half-dressed man and then with an elderly man? What are you trying to sell, exactly? I am uncomfortable.

I’m not even sure what part of this commercial, really, was about the guy getting in shape??? Or gyms?

Good job, Equinox. How much did that ad cost you to accidentally tell the world you really want narcissists in your gyms and also somehow children?

At least you know your audience.

That’s enough internet for me for today.

Images: Instagram (@equinox); Giphy (3)

Holly Hammond
Holly Hammond
Holly is an ex-sorority girl with the personality of Elle Woods meets Wednesday Addams. She is an artist, writer, animator, and part-time magician. Her parents are v proud but also like to ask her when she's going to get a real job. Buy art from her so she can pay for her bulldog's dermatologist.