Over the past two months, we’ve documented the saga of Miley Cyrus and her relationship, and I’ll be honest, I’ve been starting to lose interest. I no longer have the energy to analyze every cringeworthy story and post with Cody Simpson, and her recent problematic behavior on Instagram just made her look even worse. I was about ready to check all the way out of following this story, but then one person came along and reeled me right back in. Ladies and gentlemen, enter one Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
On Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan, queen of delusion and possible future princess of Saudi Arabia, popped into the Miley/Cody narrative in a way that only she could. Last year, Cody spent a while dating Lindsay’s younger sister, Ali, but we’ve never had many details on their relationship, or why they broke up. Well, Lindsay has some sh*t to say, and she did so in a truly wild Instagram post (which has since been deleted):
Ohhhh boy. I really love Lindsay Lohan so much, and this is exactly why. While Miley Cyrus is busy claiming that being gay is a choice, Lindsay is giving a master class in how to be messy as f*ck without actually being offensive. A round of applause for LiLo, because this is a talent. Really, 10/10 work right here.
Before we even get to that whopper of a caption, Lindsay chose a really amazing photo here. It’s a blurry, black and white paparazzi photo of her sister and Cody together, which actually looks like it might be a picture of a physical photo. I’m not sure, but this is not high-res at all. But the photo is so great because Ali looks pissed off, or at least skeptical of whatever Cody is saying/doing. The caption is where Lindsay really shines here, but the photo sets it up perfectly.
But let’s get to that caption. After using the British spelling of “realize” to say that Cody failed, she says that he “settled for less” and TAGS HIM. I f*cking dying. No shade to Ali Lohan, but it’s kind of hilarious to think of anyone actually saying that going from her to Miley Cyrus is setting for less. Like, however you feel about Miley, she’s one of the most famous people on the planet, and Ali Lohan is…not.
After a confusing pair of emojis (wtf does the anchor mean??), Lindsay finishes off with a sentence that, I swear to god, I want on my grave: “family is everything you won the masked singer but you lost on your future”
AHHHHHHH. For anyone unaware, The Masked Singer is a singing competition show where celebrities compete while wearing elaborate masks, so no one actually knows who they are until the end. The show is entirely stupid, but pretty entertaining, but most of the celebs that do it are total has-beens. But what do you know, Cody Simpson just won the first season of the Australian version of the show literally last night, which is crazy because it’s been airing the whole time he’s been dating Miley. And who just so happened to be one of the judges on Masked Singer Australia? LINDSAY LOHAN.
Lindsay Lohan using the show that they just did together as a way to shade his behavior in his personal life is really masterful, and I’m obsessed. I’m assuming, from the tone of this post, that Cody broke up with Ali, and she’s basically saying that Cody threw his future away by dumping her. I mean, ouch. Who knows if this is actually an appropriate representation of what happened in their relationship, but it’s funny as f*ck.
Like I said, I was pretty much done with paying attention to Miley and Cody before this, but now I am RIGHT. BACK. IN. I will always turn up for any situation that Lindsay Lohan inserts herself into, so bring it on. Even though she deleted her post about Cody, I hope she’s not done being shady. I desperately need something to entertain myself these days, and Lindsay Lohan is the only one who can make me feel alive.
Images: Shutterstock; lindsaylohan / Instagram
Miley Cyrus has always, in my book, been a gay icon. I mean, when your career starts by playing a high school student by day and a pop star at night, what other trajectory could you possibly have? The gay community has constantly adored Miley, from “7 Things” to “Party in the USA” to the entire Bangerz album to her recent hit shading ex-husband Liam Hemsworth, “Slide Away.” And how does she repay us? BY DISAPPOINTING US ON A G*DDAMN INSTA LIVE.
Miley’s had a tumultuous year when it comes to relationships: first, her less-than-a-year marriage with Liam Hemsworth imploded, then her summer fling with Kaitlynn Carter came to an abrupt end, and now she’s apparently in love with Australian musician Cody Simpson. I recently wrote an article on how she was on the Instagram trip of a lifetime with her dog and family, wishing her well on her journey to love, and she responded by stabbing me in the back!
In a recent Instagram live with new fling Cody Simpson, Miley talks about how she’s finally found a good man, while simultaneously completely objectifying the LGBTQ+ community and literally suggesting her bisexuality was a choice.
She said, “There are good men out there guys, don’t give up. You don’t have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you’ve just got to find them. You’ve got to find a dick that’s not a dick, you know. I always thought I had to be gay, because I thought all guys were evil, but it’s not true. There are good people out there that just happen to have dicks. I’ve only ever met one, and he’s on this live.”
Like…girl…what the f*ck are you saying? I understand she’s joking while obviously trying to be rude to Liam, but what she’s actually doing is slighting an entire community that’s largely supported her through every aspect of her career.
The video is below, so you can see you see for yourself:
“Don’t give up, you don’t have to be gay, there are good dicks out there, you just have to find them”
“I always thought I had to be gay because all guys are evil but that’s not true”
– @MileyCyrus what's good? pic.twitter.com/y3yjUGpCSN
— • (@bljcmie) October 21, 2019
Okay, Miley, let’s talk. There’s so much wrong about this 48-second clip. First, I hate to be the one to break the news to you babe, but things aren’t going to work out with Cody either. Second, I know that you support the LGBTQ+ community, have a charity to help LGBTQ+ homeless youth, and you’re a huge fan of drag, so I certainly hope that you’d never intentionally state that being gay is a choice, yet that’s exactly what you implied. And third—am I overreacting? Yes. I’m sure I am, but I don’t care.
Coming out is so hard. Like so, so hard. The 21 years I spent in the closet were the hardest years of my life, and as embarrassing as it may sound, Lady Gaga is a huge reason I found the courage to come out. I would watch her videos on YouTube and listen to her constantly, dreaming about one day being the person that I wanted to be because she constantly reminded me that I was born this way, that I was worthy of love, and that my sexuality wasn’t a choice. (If you’ve never seen her Brave speech, then literally watch it now because it will give you enough strength to get through the winter). I just keep thinking about all of the young, 16-year-old kids in the suburbs or in the country whose Lady Gaga is Miley Cyrus, and who heard her say the words “you don’t have to be gay.” If I had heard Lady Gaga say something like that when I was at my most vulnerable, I can honestly say I don’t know that I’d be where I am today.
For some, this might be easy to brush off as a joke and something meant to make her exes feel bad, not to crush all of her LGBTQ+ supporters, but that’s exactly what it did, at least for me. For the record, being gay is not a choice, and if you are in the closet and Miley was your beacon of hope, I’m sorry. Watch the “Bad Romance” video and know that as cliche as it may sound, it really does get better.
UPDATED: While Miley recently apologized in a tweet, on my opinion, it’s not enough. (Also, it’s short enough to be just a regular tweet, no need to put in your notes…like come on, but that’s not the point.)
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) October 21, 2019
While we all say things we shouldn’t and things that are misconstrued into bigger deals than they actually are, I don’t feel like this apology is enough to make up for the words that were said. Not to mention, she refers to herself as part of the LGBTQ+ community a day after she said it was a brief choice to be there, but the real kicker is ending it with “Happy Monday!” How in the world is anyone supposed to be accept an apology that ends with Happy Monday?
Images: Giphy (2); bljcmie / Twitter
Hi fam, how are we doing on this Friday? Well, things are about to get a lot worse, because Cody Simpson released a song about Miley Cyrus, and it’s a whole-ass mess. They’ve only been dating for approximately two weeks, but they’ve produced enough cringey couples content to last a lifetime. Earlier this week, they got new tattoos together (thankfully not matching), and posted a photo that would’ve gotten flagged on Instagram if Cody’s pants were any lower. But all of their extra couple behavior doesn’t even come close to the song that Cody Simpson released today.
When I went on Spotify this morning to check out New Music Friday, I was instantly appalled at what I found. It’s called “golden thing,” which already makes me feel uncomfortable, and the cover art is a photo of Miley’s chin/neck/chest. I love the way Cody is really being subtle about this right from the jump. This is definitely the most attention Cody Simpson has gotten like, ever in his career, so I guess it makes sense for him to put out a song about Miley right away, before this fizzles out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. She looks hot in the cover photo, though. The lyrics, however, are not so hot.
I was initially annoyed that the song starts with an almost minute-long instrumental intro (get to the good stuff!), but the song really doesn’t get better once Cody starts singing. Basically, the whole thing reads like a fourth grader’s attempt at writing a sonnet, with such inspired lines like “Deep blue jeans, movie screens, taking flight, flashing lights.” Oh, sh*t, homeboy can rhyme!! Does Cody use rhymezone.com to write his songs? I would not be surprised.
Despite only being with Miley for a few weeks, Cody seems incredibly into her. Actually, he seems kind of obsessed with her, like he can’t believe that she’s actually paying attention to him. The whole song is about how she has a mysterious “golden thing,” and the first words of the song are “crystal dream, Cali queen.” Dude, we get it, you think Miley is hot.
While none of this songwriting is going to win a Grammy, there’s one particular line that caused me to do a double take. In the third verse (each verse is like, two lines long), he refers to Miley as having “coffee skin.” Um…am I missing something? Even at her most tan, Miley Cyrus is like, a big ol’ cup of milk with about one drop of coffee in it. I have absolutely no idea why Cody would choose this phrase in reference to Miley, especially because the word “coffee” doesn’t even play into his precious rhyme scheme! He could have said something like “milky skin,” and the song would’ve flowed the exact same. (Cody, hire me. I write.)
When it comes down to it, the song is nice enough, but Cody sounds like a poor man’s John Mayer. Regardless, it’ll probably do bigger streaming numbers than anything else he’s released, so good for Cody. Way to use your brand new relationship for personal gain! This will all be especially funny in approximately three weeks, when Miley and Cody go their separate ways, and this dumb song is sitting on Cody’s Spotify page collecting dust. Live in the moment, I guess?
Here’s the full song, because you obviously need to listen for yourself:
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; codysimpson / Instagram
If you had told me this time last year that not only would Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth be divorcing, but Miley would have moved on with not one, but two people in the time it usually takes me to throw out my leftovers, I would have laughed in your face. What can I say? I still believed in love then. It was a simpler, purer time. But now, after watching Miley declare “Miam” officially dead and proceeding to bounce from relationship to relationship (first with Brody Jenner’s ex Kaitlynn Carter and now with Australian musician and one-time BF to Gigi Hadid, Cody Simpson), nothing that comes out about Miley’s love life surprises me anymore. And while I’m happy that Miley seems to be moving on and living her best life, I can’t help but admit that watching her love life play out like a public game of musical chairs has made me think differently about her—and not in a good way.
I’ve been a huge fan of Miley’s for years. We’re both the same age, and it always felt like when she was going through a significant life change I was somehow going through something similar. When Miley and Liam broke up for the first time and she went through her Bangerz phase, I was just coming off my own breakup. I was a junior in college and things with my on-again, off-again boyfriend seemed officially off. He was my first serious relationship and the only guy I’ve ever said “I love you” to. After the breakup, I felt wild and lost and a little like I didn’t know who I was anymore without this person in my life. I saw these same feelings reflected in Miley. Except instead of getting drunk off strawberry Burnett’s and getting felt up in a bathroom at the Pi Kappa Phi house, Miley was miming masturbation with foam fingers and swinging naked on wrecking balls. At the time, the media made it sound like Miley was just “acting out” after a bad breakup, but to me it didn’t seem like an act of rebellion so much as her just trying to figure out who the hell she was after Disney and Liam.
When Miley and Liam reconnected in the fall of 2015, I felt irrationally happy, considering the two of them are actual strangers to me and probably always will be. Seeing them work things out after all these years, it was almost like I was reconnecting with my own first love. So when Miley announced earlier this summer that they were divorcing after only a few months of marriage, and that she had already moved on with friend-turned-lover Kaitlynn Carter, I was shocked and a little—dare I say—angry?
The anger didn’t stem so much from the breakup itself. I get it, people change, and even though I follow several Miam fan accounts on Instagram, I’m not actually in that relationship so I guess I’ll never know the full story. No, the anger was more about Miley’s actions post-breakup. One minute she was posting on social media about reconnecting with nature and focusing on herself during this trying time, and the next she’s making out with Kaitlynn Carter on a boat and posting thirst traps on IG. When her relationship with Kaitlynn eventually fizzled out I thought, “oh good, now you can start actually dealing with this breakup,” only to watch her dive head-first into some sort of romantic thing with Cody Simpson. I felt disappointed by her actions. It seemed disrespectful for her to jump so publicly from one relationship to the next so soon after breaking things off with her partner of 10 years.
The media seemed to agree with me. Over the past few months, story after story has been published about Miley and her romantic suitors. And while no one outright calls her a slut for her behavior, most of the articles read with thinly veiled contempt, as if we’re all disappointed that she’s not sitting at home alone, scrolling through her phone for old pictures of her and Liam, listening to “Wrecking Ball” on repeat, and crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (or is that just me?).
Picking up on the contempt, Miley took to her Instagram stories last Friday to defend herself against slut-shamers by pointing out that men rarely get called out for serial dating. She referenced Leonardo DiCaprio and John Mayer in particular, saying:
“Men (especially successful ones) are RARELY slut shamed. They move on from one beautiful woman to the next MOST times without consequences. They are usually referenced as ‘legends’, ‘heart throbs’, ‘G’, ‘Ladies Man’ etc… where women are called sluts/whores!”
Honestly, she’s not wrong. I myself have written about instances like Scott Disick moving on from Kourtney Kardashian to Bella Thorne to Sofia Richie in rapid succession, and only commented on the diminishing age of his hookups, and not the frequency of them post-breakup. And while it’s not news to me that the media is often sexist in the way they portray famous women versus famous men, what was news to me was that I was a little sexist myself.
As a feminist, I pride myself on advocating for women. It’s 2019 for god’s sake, and women should be allowed to be open about their sexuality, to own their sexual experiences without consequence. This is what I’ve always preached but rarely practiced myself. After my ex-boyfriend from college dumped me (on my birthday) for a girl he’d been secretly dating behind my back for months, he made the comment that no matter what happened between us, I shouldn’t “spread myself around” after the breakup and that I should still be a “good girl.” At the time, I’d only had sex with two people and one of them was this prince. He made me believe that if I had sex with other people or started dating around, I wouldn’t be attractive to men, that I’d somehow be dirty for moving on too quickly.
I’ll admit that those words have stuck with me, even years later. I find myself saying things like, “I’m not a casual dater” or “I just need some commitment before I sleep with anyone,” which are statements I rarely follow through with, but often use as a way to make myself feel bad anytime I have a casual hookup or a one night stand.
Watching Miley Cyrus defend herself on Instagram for doing something that men do ALL THE TIME brought back those feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. I’ve always felt like you should grieve a relationship when it ends and be respectful of the other person, but why do I feel that way? Hell, I’m notorious for mourning a
breakup ghosting from guys whose most attractive quality is that he had a washer/dryer in his apartment. So why do I owe them celibacy?
And it’s not just me, either. Most of the women in my life are the same way, keeping their sex lives on the down-low post-breakups—at least from their exes. So why are women like this, then? Men certainly don’t hesitate to move on after a breakup—or even hesitate to flaunt their moving on, so why should women? Is it that we don’t want to seem undesirable to the men who’ve wronged us or to the future men in our lives? And why is a woman having a healthy sex life so often associated with spiraling out of control or acting out?
During the same IG stories where Miley took down slut-shamers she said, “I am trying to just THRIVE/survive in a ‘mans’ world… if we can’t beat em, join em! If our president can ‘grab em by the pussy…’ can’t I just have a kiss and açai bowl?!?!” And, this, poetic as it is, struck a chord with me. Here I am, saying how I support women and f*ck the patriarchy, and I’m getting disappointed in a woman doing what she wants to do because it doesn’t seem… ladylike? Apologetic? What? Bottom line: Liam seems to have moved on (albeit more quietly), and also these people are literal strangers to me and therefore I have no emotional stake in their relationship, so what am I really angry and disappointed for?
And while I may have handled a breakup like Miley’s a little differently (or maybe not, because literally the only people invested in my love life are my dog and @SweetestBetchYou’llEverMeet who is constantly trying to pimp me out on Hinge), I’ve decided that I don’t want to read about Miley Cyrus making out with Cody Simpson or Kaitlynn Carter or anyone else for that matter. Why? Because it’s none of my damn business. If I’m not going to be angry at Leonardo DiCaprio for serially dating any model under the legal drinking age, then I shouldn’t be angry at Miley for doing whatever it is she does.
Watching Miley go through all of this has made me realize that for how much I call myself a feminist, I still have work to do when it comes to judging other women and coming to terms with my own sexist thoughts. So, thank you, Miley Cyrus, for the reality check and this deep self-introspection. I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that there’s no need for their services anymore, I’ll just get my life advice from your IG stories from now on.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (3); @cosmopolitan /Instagram (1)
Remember Hot Girl Summer? It might not be summer anymore, but Miley Cyrus is not done with that sh*t yet. She’s fully embracing Thotumn, and I’m here for it. As the leaves start to change, Miley has gotten herself a new man, and we need to dissect the details of exactly what is going on. It’s been a whirlwind couple of months in Miley’s personal life, and with the arrival of Cody Simpson, it’s not slowing down any time soon.
After announcing her split from her husband Liam Hemsworth in August, we watched as Miley spent a month basically attached at the hip to Kaitlynn Carter. They made out on yachts in Italy, traipsed around LA, and were apparently even living together at one point. This made sense to me, as Kaitlynn was also fresh out of her marriage to Brody Jenner, and it seemed like she and Miley both just needed a person. But that fizzled out after six weeks, and Miley has already moved on.
Now, Miley has turned her attention to Cody Simpson, and their PDA-filled fling has already become something that we can’t avoid talking about. First of all, let’s address some common questions I’ve heard in the past week, namely “wh0 the f*ck is Cody Simpson?” Cody is an Australian singer, who at one point was supposed to be the next Justin Bieber. That never really happened, but now Cody is a hot 22-year-old with abs and tattoos and clearly a lot of time on his hands. (He also used to date Gigi Hadid, because of course.) Basically, he’s Miley’s exact type, which she pointed out in this Instagram story:
Miley and Cody have only been hanging out for a week or so, but they’ve actually been friends for years. In 2015, Cody spoke about how Miley had helped him with his transition out of being a child star, and called her one of his best friends. Even before that, Cody say in 2012 that Miley was one of his “childhood celebrity crushes.” That might be kind of a yikes considering that he was like, 15 at the time, but everyone here is an adult now.
Last week, Cody and Miley made lots of headlines when they were spotted making out while getting açaí bowls together in LA. If nothing else, it’s become clear in the last two months that Miley Cyrus really loves making out in public places. After a lot of people started criticizing her for moving on so quickly from her marriage and subsequent relationship with Kaitlynn, Miley shut it down with a passionate statement on social media:
View this post on Instagram
Miley Cyrus is defending her dating life after feeling like she was "slut shamed" for her make out session with longtime friend Cody Simpson. Miley took to social media to share her thoughts about the situation, noting that successful men rarely face scrutiny for their dating life.
Miley is absolutely right that there’s a double standard when it comes to men and women in relationships, and I’m sure it makes it extra difficult when everything plays out so publicly. But also, I reserve the right to judge anyone who makes out in a public place. I have no problem with Miley having a good time, but I would call out my best friend if she were making out with a dude at the açaí place.
Since the açaí date last week, Miley and Cody have definitely been seeing a lot of each other, and it definitely feels reminiscent of how Miley and Kaitlynn were basically acting like a married couple within days of first being seen together. On Saturday, Cody posted this picture on his IG story, where he calls Miley “baby” as he kisses her forehead.
He also posted a video later that day of the two of them hanging out. Basically, they spent the whole weekend together. Miley also responded to being called “baby” on her own Instagram story, followed by posting a series of baby pictures of herself. They’re clearly having a lot of fun letting this whole thing play out for all of us to see, so who knows where this is all going.
In the days since they’ve been hanging out, sources have popped up to dish on what’s going on, and none of it is surprising. According to Entertainment Tonight, neither of them is looking to settle down or get into anything serious, which like…duh? Two months after filing for divorce, I don’t really think Miley is going to be in a long-term relationship with a younger guy who was basically obsessed with her when she was a kid. She’s at the point where she’s just doing whatever seems fun for the moment, and why shouldn’t she?
I have a feeling this is going to go down a route similar to Miley and Kaitlynn’s relationship, burning bright and fast. Miley probably doesn’t want a husband right now, so she should just have fun. As for Cody, he should just enjoy all of this free press while it lasts.
Images: Shutterstock; mileycyrus (3), codysimpson / Instagram