Cody Simpson's New Song About Miley Cyrus Is A Nightmare

Hi fam, how are we doing on this Friday? Well, things are about to get a lot worse, because Cody Simpson released a song about Miley Cyrus, and it’s a whole-ass mess. They’ve only been dating for approximately two weeks, but they’ve produced enough cringey couples content to last a lifetime. Earlier this week, they got new tattoos together (thankfully not matching), and posted a photo that would’ve gotten flagged on Instagram if Cody’s pants were any lower. But all of their extra couple behavior doesn’t even come close to the song that Cody Simpson released today.

When I went on Spotify this morning to check out New Music Friday, I was instantly appalled at what I found. It’s called “golden thing,” which already makes me feel uncomfortable, and the cover art is a photo of Miley’s chin/neck/chest. I love the way Cody is really being subtle about this right from the jump. This is definitely the most attention Cody Simpson has gotten like, ever in his career, so I guess it makes sense for him to put out a song about Miley right away, before this fizzles out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. She looks hot in the cover photo, though. The lyrics, however, are not so hot.

I was initially annoyed that the song starts with an almost minute-long instrumental intro (get to the good stuff!), but the song really doesn’t get better once Cody starts singing. Basically, the whole thing reads like a fourth grader’s attempt at writing a sonnet, with such inspired lines like “Deep blue jeans, movie screens, taking flight, flashing lights.” Oh, sh*t, homeboy can rhyme!! Does Cody use to write his songs? I would not be surprised.

Despite only being with Miley for a few weeks, Cody seems incredibly into her. Actually, he seems kind of obsessed with her, like he can’t believe that she’s actually paying attention to him. The whole song is about how she has a mysterious “golden thing,” and the first words of the song are “crystal dream, Cali queen.” Dude, we get it, you think Miley is hot.

While none of this songwriting is going to win a Grammy, there’s one particular line that caused me to do a double take. In the third verse (each verse is like, two lines long), he refers to Miley as having “coffee skin.” Um…am I missing something? Even at her most tan, Miley Cyrus is like, a big ol’ cup of milk with about one drop of coffee in it. I have absolutely no idea why Cody would choose this phrase in reference to Miley, especially because the word “coffee” doesn’t even play into his precious rhyme scheme! He could have said something like “milky skin,” and the song would’ve flowed the exact same. (Cody, hire me. I write.)

When it comes down to it, the song is nice enough, but Cody sounds like a poor man’s John Mayer. Regardless, it’ll probably do bigger streaming numbers than anything else he’s released, so good for Cody. Way to use your brand new relationship for personal gain! This will all be especially funny in approximately three weeks, when Miley and Cody go their separate ways, and this dumb song is sitting on Cody’s Spotify page collecting dust. Live in the moment, I guess?

Here’s the full song, because you obviously need to listen for yourself:

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; codysimpson / Instagram

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.