Breaking news: People are still cheating, even in quarantine. Cheaters are gonna cheat. Duh. But the ability to start and have an affair while cooped up inside with your significant other 24/7 for months on end sounds like an art form not many can pull off. And honestly?? I don’t know if I’m more impressed or appalled. Ashley Madison, the leading married dating site that literally says “Life is short, get an affair” on their homepage, recently released its COVID-19 edition of Top 20 Cheating Cities Per Capita list, which compiles the US cities with the most accounts created since the beginning of March on a per person basis, and the results are… interesting. And weird.
Let’s kick things off with perhaps the wildest data of the bunch. If you’re wondering how many people are actually cheating during quarantine right now, buckle up because the answer is A LOT. The company saw a giant spike in the number of sign-ups between March 1 and April 25. How giant? Like, we’re talking more than 17,000 sign ups PER DAY. 17,000+. How TF is that even possible??? SO many people every. single. day. are successfully finding a way to sign up for a cheating site even though they’re constantly within 500 square feet of their partner. Imagine giving zero f*cks and having that level of audacity? Lmao. Unreal.
Anyway, without further ado, it’s time to
make fun of analyze this data with the help of Ashley Madison’s very own chief strategy officer, Paul Keable. So who TF made this VIP list?
- Miami, FL
- Orlando, FL
- Washington D.C.
- Cincinnati, OH
- Anchorage, AK
- Atlanta, GA
- St. Louis, MO
- Las Vegas, NV
- Tampa, FL
- Richmond, VA
- Minneapolis, MN
- Sacramento, CA
- St. Paul, MN
- Spokane, WA
- Buffalo, NY
- Pittsburgh, PA
- Denver, CO
- Baton Rouge, LA
- Colorado Springs, CO
- Cleveland, OH
Oooookay, this is a lot to take in. For starters, 15% of it is dominated by Florida, with Miami claiming the #1 spot, Orlando ranking #2, and Tampa #9. Classic Florida!
“With Florida, we found it interesting that they had such a dominant presence on the list considering they were antagonized by the media for not taking the lockdown seriously enough, and they’ve gone through with plans to reopen fairly early in comparison to some other areas,” says Keable. LOL. For real. Leave it to the Sunshine State, full of old people and bath salt-consuming cannibals, to ignore health and safety precautions and come in hot with three of the top 10 cheating cities on the list. Congrats! I should call my grandpa who lives down there to share the good news.
Next up, we have Washington, DC clocking in at #3, followed by unexpected Cincinnati, Ohio, Anchorage, Alaska, Atlanta, Georgia, and St. Louis, Missouri. Ugh, with the exception of Atlanta, the Sugar Daddy capital of the US, I’m so confused. Scroll a little bit further down the list and we have Buffalo, NY ranked as city #15. This one is worth mentioning because it hits near and dear to my heart as that’s where my ex, who kissed a dude right in front of me once (yep, long story for another day), is from. I guess it’s true that that city really is home to a bunch of cheating idiots. But I digress. I’m frankly both shocked and impressed that New York, NY did not make this list, but I guess when you share a shoebox with someone, there really is no room to cheat.
TBH, I feel like there’s no rhyme or reason to the places on this list. At all. Like, they’re all located somewhere in Bumblef*ck scattered across the country. I don’t get why, so I asked Keable for an explanation. “We ranked the top US cities list based on signups to our site from March 1 to April 25 on a per capita basis, which explains why you’re seeing smaller cities like Buffalo and Anchorage over bigger metropolitans. Had we based the list strictly on signups, cities like New York and Los Angeles would’ve been at the top.” So don’t get too cocky, New Yorkers—you’re no models of fidelity either.
For our next trick, here’s a sweet hypothesis that I think is designed to help bring us all together? “There’s quite a variety of cities on the list from across the country, and that just goes to show how ubiquitous cheating really is,” says Keable. “Infidelity can’t be pinpointed to one type of person, place, culture, etc.” Yeah, I feel like this data didn’t teach me anything except all of this boils down to the fact that cheating doesn’t discriminate against anyone. To prove that fact, the report shows that each of the top cities on this list voted Democrat in the 2016 Election, although the majority of Ashley Madison’s user base identifies as Republican. Aha! Finally. One thing the Right and the Left have in common. No matter your political affiliation, you, too, can cheat on your spouse during a pandemic! SMH. Hide your kids, hide your wives, friends.
But as a college Psych minor and ~hopeless romantic~ who believes that everyone has feelings deep down in their cold little hearts, I wanted to learn more about these cheaters’ intentions. What’s causing almost 20,000 people a day to resort to extramarital affairs during this temporary quarantine period? Does being around their partners this often right now truly suck so much that they need to sneak around behind—uhh, actually, wait, right in front of—their backs? Or is something more serious going on? I need answers. WE need answers.
According to Keable, the site sees a lot of new signups following long periods of family time and heightened stress, like during the December holiday season. “This is a more intense version of this scenario, in that people are completely confined to their houses with their spouse,” says Keable. “Whether they’re in a happy or unhappy marriage, there’s going to be tension and it’s going to be amplified. Marriage isn’t designed to be a 24/7 thing and truthfully, this is probably the most time some married couples have ever spent together.” I mean, I can’t help but think that you should still be faithful to your partner even through trying times like these (for better or for worse, anybody?), but to each their own.
He continues, “What was once your spouse’s tolerable quirk has likely now become an insufferable quality, and all this forced time together and the added stress of what’s going on outside is revealing cracks in monogamous relationships. Having someone to talk to who’s experiencing similar feelings is going to be a huge relief, whether or not that turns into a virtually sexual relationship or it’s just someone to talk to when you can’t or don’t want to talk to your spouse.” Basically, what he’s saying is that people are out here finding flaws in their marriage during quarantine and are trying to fill those voids in secret to avoid causing bigger issues. So instead of communicating with your partner, you can just go behind your spouse’s back and find someone better on the internet! Smart. That way you don’t risk destroying your relationship—except I feel like talking through your problems will probably result in a better chance of improving it? But you do you, boos. *stares in judgment*
Anddd behold, Keable must’ve known I’m judging hard, so he elaborated on that point. “When options like divorce or couples therapy exist, people wonder, and often judge, why so many turn to Ashley Madison,” he says. (Not sure if that was a personal attack, but I’ll pretend I’m not offended.) “We’ve asked our members about those potential solutions and they say they come to us because those conversations don’t result in action and they don’t want to part ways with their partner. These days when the going gets rough, you’re expected to either bow to fate or end your marriage, but we offer a third path.” Enter: Infidelity! The Ashley Madison team has found that their members consider cheating on their spouse before they consider leaving them. I mean, I guess that’s inspirational if you consider trying every possible way to fix your relationship before ending it.
“Outsourcing an unmet need to them is more viable than expecting to get every need met by one person, which is the current expectation placed upon modern marriage. And when you love your partner, you love your family, and you’re emotionally and financially invested in your marriage, why would you want to put yourself through a costly and strenuous divorce when it’s just one thing that isn’t working?” He notes that most of the time, that one darn thing that ain’t cuttin’ it is physical intimacy. Fair, but still. IDK. Whatever helps y’all sleep at night.
“Ultimately, we’re hoping when the dust settles, the divorce lines are a bit shorter than we’ve seen in other countries that have reopened, and we were able to provide our members with a discreet coping strategy to get through this, without completely upending their life,” says Keable. “Our site offers a unique, albeit controversial, option so people can have their needs met without sacrificing the home life they value.” Well, if you think about it like that, this news doesn’t seem thhhaatttttt tragic. These people are just cheating because they don’t want to “hurt their partner,” even though what they’re doing would absolutely 100% hurt their partner if they ever found out!
But I understand. Kinda. Not really, actually. I’d never cheat on my boyfriend so I can’t relate—and as someone who’s currently quarantined with their partner, I have no idea how TF these people are even pulling this sh*t off. HOW DO YOU FIND THE TIME OR SPACE? IDK. I’m not married with kids, so I don’t have to find a secret coping mechanism if I’m unhappy in my relationship. If you’re not as fortunate as I am, then godspeed. I hope everyone finds the outlet that works best for them and their relationship so we all get out of this quarantine alive and well, whether that means you gotta let go of the person you don’t love anymore or you gotta find someone on the internet to distract you from your problems until further notice. Tomayto, tomahto, I guess.
Images: Pexels, GIPHY (3)
Welcome to dating in the digital age! It sucks, doesn’t it? Ugh, it sucks so much. There’s DMing, swiping, ghosting, and a carousel of more ridiculous terms. Raise your hand if you wish we could go back to a time before phones and social media, when you never second-guessed your partner’s phone dinging late at night and didn’t start fights about your S.O. liking someone else’s pictures on Instagram. Technology has f*cked up everything created a whole new realm of controversial dating dilemmas, like going through your partner’s phone. Personally, I’ve never gone through a partner’s phone, because one, I like to dodge red flags like I’m in The Matrix, and two, because I like to think that I’m not a total paranoid psycho. (Just like, half of one.) Regardless of what I could have potentially found or not found on their phone, there’s really no coming back from snooping. So you have to ask yourself, what’s more important, the trust or the receipts? When contemplating if all is fair in love and technology, you have to seriously consider what is “legal” in love. To help us navigate relationships in the digital age, I consulted with dating expert Judge Lauren Lake, of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, to answer all of my controversial dating and technology questions. So go ahead, drop his phone right now and let’s figure this sh*t out.
To Snoop Or Not To Snoop?
To go through their phone or not to go through their phone? That is the question. I get it; you’re quarantined and their phone is right there, but don’t do it. Hear me? Walk away from the iPhone—and if it’s an Android, then just run.
When it comes to going through some else’s personal property in a relationship, what should you do? According to Judge Lauren Lake, “It is never okay to go through your partner’s phone. Once you feel the need to check your partner’s phone, it’s time to have a serious conversation to discuss where the disconnect lies.” Going off of Lake’s advice, you should never violate someone else’s privacy—just think how insanely pissed you’d be if they went through your phone. I have never had a passcode on my phone, mainly because I don’t believe drunk me will remember the code, but if I caught a boyfriend snooping through my easily accessible phone, I would throw a fit so big that I would be instantly cast as a Real Housewife.
But is there ever an acceptable reason to go through your partner’s phone? Lake says, “Never! I highly recommend that you resist the urge to go through your significant other’s phone. It’s a lose/lose situation and most likely your partner will feel violated whether they are hiding something in their phone or not.” She adds, “If they are hiding something, it will come out eventually.” Think of it this way: if someone’s acting shady, they’re not going to be able to keep it a secret forever. Going through their phone is only going to make you look bad and overshadow the fact that they were in the wrong.
Then again, it’s not always so easy to resist the urge to snoop. Imagine this: Your boyfriend’s phone just dinged, you glance at it innocently, and you see a text from their ex-girlfriend—what do you do? A) Go through their texts? B) Pretend like you didn’t see it? C) Talk to them about it? If you guessed C, then congratulations, you contain the basic communication skills necessary for a stable and healthy relationship! Lake advises, “Communication is key when you don’t feel comfortable with something like this and you want an immediate end. If your partner has nothing to hide, they will share the message and the reason for the text with you. If they can’t share the message, then you have your answer.” You may not be able to read the texts, but you can for damn sure read between the lines.
Are Passwords Inherently Sketch?
Judge Lake rules that it is totally legal in love to have private passwords. So no need to completely lose it if you start dating someone who has a passcode on their phone. Red flags are generally pretty obvious, so if something feels suspect, then trust your gut. For instance, if they’re driving and you want to open their Spotify to play some Bieber (solid choice) and you ask what their code is, and they totally freak the f*ck out and refuse to tell you… that should raise a red flag or two. To be clear, a passcode doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re hiding evidence of raunchy DMs and suspiciously long FaceTime calls. However, you should be alarmed if they’re treating those six digits like they’re the goddamn nuclear codes, or if they suddenly start using a passcode after two years of dating. In that case, you may want to reevaluate your so-called mutual trust.
If it comes down to you debating whether or not you should check their texts, then they’re either doing some sketchy sh*t or you don’t trust them—either way it’s not an ideal situation. The irresistible urge to snoop can indicate a complete breakdown of trust in the relationship, which obviously isn’t good for either one of you. So how can you tell the difference between being paranoid and having a valid cause for concern? Lake informs us that, “Paranoia comes from hurt and pain from previous relationships. Valid concern comes from real situations and issues that have manifested in your relationship that need to be addressed.” Really stressing the low-key annoying fact that communication is key in all scenarios, because it’s like they say: paranoia will destroy ya.
Are They Being Shady Or Are You Being Paranoid?
Technology has become completely intertwined with relationships, and with that comes a whole new set of relationship red flags and dealbreakers. Lake outlines these new guidelines by stating that, “Respect is key in a relationship as there should be an understanding of what’s appropriate and what’s not. If a person crosses those boundaries once, it’s a red flag. If they consistently cross those boundaries, that should be a deal breaker.” Now that you are familiar with the rules, let’s play!
Hypothetical Fight #1: They won’t post photos of the two of you on Instagram. Red flag or deal breaker?
Judge Lake’s Ruling: Deal breaker. “Some people like to keep their personal/dating lives private. If you don’t like it, address it with your partner. It could mean that they aren’t truly committed or mean they just don’t want to showcase that part of their life. If that makes you feel insecure, you have to re-evaluate whether this is the person for you.”
Hypothetical Fight #2: You notice borderline flirty comments left on your S.O.’s Instagram posts.
Judge Lake’s Ruling: Red Flag. “If it’s from a person they know or an ex, that’s a red flag. If it’s from a random person and there is no other connection between them, it’s not that big of a deal. If it makes you that uncomfortable, discuss it.”
Hypothetical Fight #3: They won’t share their passcode with you.
Judge Lake’s Ruling: Deal Breaker. “You are not entitled to control someone else’s property, but if you’re in a committed relationship and your S.O. won’t share their password with you, you already know what the deal is.”
Hypothetical Fight #4: They’ve admitted going through a partner’s phone in past relationships.
Judge Lake’s Ruling: Deal Breaker. “If they did it once, they will probably do it again.”
Bottom line: If you feel the need to snoop through your partner’s phone, regardless if you find anything incriminating or not, your relationship is probably doomed, and if not doomed, it’s at least heading down the wrong direction on a one-way street. Solid relationships with established trust don’t have room for paranoia; if you and your partner treat each other with respect and trust each other completely then there is no need to spy on each other.
Images: Manthan Gupta / Unsplash
In these trying times, when we can’t turn on the news without feeling like we’re living in a waking nightmare, it can be hard to feel anything other than a constant, impending sense of doom. Whether it’s the spread of coronavirus or our political landscape which seems to get bleaker by the millisecond, you may be wondering whether there’s any reason to keep going. Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you that there most certainly is, because the good folks over at Ashley Madison, the website for people looking to cheat on their partners, have released a list of the most common code words used by cheaters its users, and it’s all I can think about now. According to the Ashley Madison team, “introducing a secret language into the secret world of infidelity can result in even more discretion while navigating affairs.” Which, no sh*t. What I couldn’t have seen coming, however, was just how ridiculous some of these cheating code words are.
The Ashley Madison survey defines this as the avoidance of “catching or developing emotional feelings for an affair partner.” I’m confused. For a list that purports to aid users in carrying on their affairs discreetly, how is this a helpful term? It seems like more effort to use the word “tinmanning” than it does to just reference the concept of not catching feelings. I’m also struggling to think of an instance in which you’d even need to use this word. Not only is it a verb that no one would ever use in everyday conversation and that would immediately set off red flags to the unsuspecting, its meaning is totally conspicuous. If we’re speaking in Wizard of Oz-missing-attribute-parlance, are the users of Ashley Madison scarecrowing with this sh*t?
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what this one means, but for those a little slow on the uptake, this is a vacation taken with an affair partner. Subtle. I can just picture the poor schmuck texting his side piece saying, “Hey, u up 4 a straycation in April?” and chuckling to himself, thinking he’s really smooth, only to have his dreams nuts shattered by a baseball bat wielded by his wife who saw the text and immediately caught on. You can go shave your back now, Bill.
Actual footage of Bill after sending this text:
3. Silver Spoon
This term apparently refers to the act of beginning or engaging in an affair in which both parties are senior citizens. While slightly less obvious than the previous two terms, I find this one to be a bit ageist. Are we really to believe that seniors are only down to cuddle? Judging by the rising prevalence of STDs in nursing homes, I beg to differ. In fact, I think our older friends would prefer some silver forking over some silver spooning, if ya know what I mean. Get it, grandma.
4. Fling Bling
Seriously, Ashley Madison users? This is the best you could come up with to refer to jewelry exchanged by affair partners? It’s like you want to get caught or something. I’m not one to condone cheating, but if you’re going to do it, then at least try to be careful. According to Ashley Madison, using cheating code words like this is useful because “t’s covert, it’s relevant, and it’s sure to keep the people around you none the wiser.” Sure, if the people around you are Jax and Brittany from Vanderpump Rules not at all wise to begin with. Literally what else could “fling bling” possibly refer to? This isn’t even a euphemism. Anyone who uses this term and thinks they’re being clever deserves to get caught.
5. The First Coming
Continuing the theme of blatantly obvious cheating terms, this time with a side of may-make-you-lose-your-lunch-on-your-work-desk, is The First Coming, defined as “the first orgasm outside of one’s marriage.” Not only is this once again not fooling anybody, the religious undertones are…troubling. I’m a Jew, but I’m pretty sure that no one wants to evoke the image of the return of Jesus after his ascension to heaven while talking about their orgasm. Also, the capitalization is a little melodramatic for people who claim they just want to tinman.
6. Alarm Cock
This refers to “a person who enjoys waking their affair partner up with sex.” First of all, morning sex is a well-established concept, so I don’t see why it has to be reserved for cheaters. Second of all, again, I ask, HOW IS THIS COVERT? And more importantly, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? If my husband so much as tried to poke me before I got my full 10.5 8 hours of sleep, he’d end up on the floor concussed (love ya, babe!). All I get from this is that cheaters are morning people, which is just one more reason not to associate with them. Enjoy your alarm cock, Karen!
I hope this absurd list of cheating code words brightened your week as much as it did mine. If you’re ever feeling low, just remember there are people out there cheating on their partners, using these terms and thinking they won’t get caught. LOL! What was your favorite “code word”? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Jae Park / Unsplash; Giphy (6)
Cuffing season is a lovely annual reminder that the weather is getting colder and you’re (I’m) still single AF. It’s common knowledge that you’re supposed to lock someone down in the winter months BUT APPARENTLY (!!) people who are already cuffed up ALSO seek new partners during this time. In other words, they cheat *stares blankly into the void*. Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating site, recently compiled last year’s winter signup data to release their Winter Wanderlust list, which has nothing to do with beautiful, snowy travel spots and everything to do with uncovering where the cheaters hide out (or come out to play?) in the US when the temperature starts to drop.
Okay, first off, we see that New Jersey, California, and Arizona clearly dominate the list. Like, WTF? I can understand Las Vegas, because it’s literally called Sin City and whatever happens there magically stays there. But why NJ, the smelliest place on earth?! And does California even have winter?? What’s y’all’s excuse?
Isabella Mise, Director of Member Relations at Ashley Madison, breaks it down for us. “New Jersey, which has two cities on the list, is a travel hub with a major airport in close proximity to New York City. Both Newark and Jersey City house many people commuting to and from Manhattan for work, meaning it’s easier to facilitate extramarital encounters,” she explains. “California saw the most cities on the list, and while they don’t see the frigid temperatures that the east coast does, temperatures still drop along with inhibitions.” Depressing and definitely contributing to my already high trust issues, but OK.
The busiest time of the year for Ashley Madison (in terms of highest global signups) is the month of January, which is shocking? I’d totally think summer is prime time for cheating because people go out more often, might be turned on by hot half-naked people at the beach, or are more likely to not give a sh*t about anything after drinking too many piña coladas at the bar… IDK. I don’t relate to this at all. But Mise has an answer as to why. “We forget that the colder months fuel the human desire for a warm body to sleep next to. It’s hard not to want someone to cozy up to while the temperature drops, especially when you’re in a sexless marriage.” So, essentially the reason cuffing season became a term in the first place. I guess the urge to cuff doesn’t stop when you get married? Bleak.
It actually is kind of sad, because as Mise explains, “In these instances where the physical intimacy you once shared with your spouse has vanished and you feel more like roommates than lovers, extramarital sex could give that surge in dopamine you need to heed off those winter blues.” I personally cuddle up with multiple blankets, my favorite sex toys, and way too many cups of Bailey’s hot chocolate in the winter, but to each their own.
January also follows a period of stressful holiday obligations and an OD amount of family time, which apparently motivates married people to find someone on the side to relieve that frustration with. “Things like entertaining in-laws and extended family, increased spending, and managing hectic calendars many of our members to see the cracks that exist in their monogamous relationships,” says Mise, adding that “these individuals are asserting a ‘new year, new me’ mentality.” I usually think of “new year, new me” as going to the gym once a week or not getting blackout drunk every weekend anymore, and not literally adopting a double life. But I guess I can’t come at them for being technically accurate?
OH! And if you’re thinking men are the main cheaters here, you’re sadly mistaken. Women are just as drawn to non-monogamy as men, and—wait for it—are actually even MORE drawn to it. F*ck. “Currently, the ratio on our site is 1.11 active females for every 1 active paid male,” says Mise. So chill out, men’s rights activists, it’s pretty balanced.
And, according to Ashley Madison’s recent female-focused infidelity study, “women are just as likely to get bored of having only one partner as men are. Many of them find themselves in either sexless or orgasmless relationships over time, which directly coincides with lowered attraction levels toward their spouse. When describing their marriage, these women used terms like ‘functional,’ ‘mundane,’ and ‘sexless.’” I’m no relationship therapist here, and I’m not married with kids so I have no idea what these people go through or what options they have, but hey, maybe break up with your partner if you’re unhappy with your relationship/sex life instead of cheating on them? Or if you can’t end it, propose having an open relationship to see what your partner says, because they’re probably just as unhappy with having no orgasms as you are? Just a thought. You do you, boo boos.
Anyway, that’s the tea on infidelity. Interpret this data however you want. Either stay far away from these unfaithful US cities during cuffing season… or go to them. Or realize that correlation does not equal causation! Pick your poison. Best of luck staying warm out here and finding a faithful partner in these ice cold streets.
Images: Unsplash, Ashley Madison
Nineties babies, I hope you haven’t thrown out your Trapper Keeper bedazzled with “Mrs. Timberlake” just yet, because you might still have a shot! That’s right, your middle school crush Justin Timberlake was just caught getting touchy with a woman who was decidedly not Jessica Biel. The Sun exclusively reported on Saturday that Timberlake was out in New Orleans drinking heavily and holding hands with his costar Alisha Wainwright. They’re in town filming a football movie named Palmer, for which Timberlake will not win an Oscar. Call it a hunch. They have photos and video of the incident, which I did watch despite the fact that there was an ad every nine seconds. I do this for you. Based on the content of this evidence, I suspect someone is about to be in a lotttt of trouble back at home.
Let’s talk about what happens in this video. JT appears to be pretty drunk, and oddly he’s more attractive to me than he’s been in years. One has nothing to do with the other, I’m sure. He and Alisha are out drinking on a balcony together, and at one point Alisha sits next to JT, and he grabs her hand and puts it on his leg and SHE CARESSES IT. Now, I don’t know how you all interact with your married coworkers, but I usually just ask them to send me pictures of their home renovations, no caressing involved. There are also photos of him holding hands with Alisha under the table. And that’s not all! In the video he is grabbing hands and getting playful with another woman as well. All in all, not a good look for JT, but also not definitive proof he’s a cheater. I mean, it definitely proves he’s a douchebag, but I think we already knew that.
Another problem JT is going to have to deal with? He’s not wearing his wedding ring in this video. Now, this, along with his behavior, could be an indication that he and the most annoying Camden sibling (fight me) actually have broken up, he’s a single man, and they just haven’t announced it yet. Celebrities usually keep that sh*t on lock until they drop the news strategically on Friday night or right before a long weekend. We see you. And neither of the Timberlakes have posted about each other on Instagram since Halloween, which is not necessarily a long time, but like, Starbucks has already rolled out their Christmas drinks, so maybe it is?
On the other hand (not literally, the ring was on neither hand), maybe JT wasn’t wearing his ring because he just wanted to be like a regular married man looking to score and slid it right into his pocket before hitting on someone way too hot for him. Or, if you are not like me and prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe you think he just left it at home because he knew he’d be out drinking and didn’t want to lose it. That’s sweet.
People immediately followed up this report with one of their own, with a source claiming that it was “completely innocent,” and that Justin and Alisha are filming a movie together and “they’re cool.” And this source’s name was Shmustin Dimberlake. Timberlake himself is yet to make a statement about what happened, but he was caught having the decency to look mildly embarrassed the next day.
Regardless of whether he is a cheater or not, this is a pretty embarrassing situation for JT. He’s visibly drunk out in public, acting way too flirty with women who are not his wife, and let himself be photographed and videoed without anyone knowing! He’s super rich and super famous, he should know better than this—or should have at least surrounded himself with people who know better than this. It’s sloppy. I doubt he and Jessica are separated, but I do hope that she rips him a new one when he returns home. Maybe if we’re lucky she’ll ban him from being in that movie and none of us will be subjected to his terrible acting ever again. A girl can dream!
It’ll be disappointing if the cheating rumors turn out to be true, but Justin would be far from the first famous person to be caught in bed with someone who’s not their spouse. Just for old time’s sake, let’s reminisce about some of the messiest celeb cheating scandals. There are honestly way too many to choose from, but I’ve done the tough work of narrowing it down.
Tristan Thompson & Khloé Kardashian
Perhaps the most notorious cheater of the last couple years is none other than Tristan Thompson. Who could forget when he was spotted with another woman while Khloé Kardashian was in Cleveland, literally about to give birth to his baby? For whatever reason, Khloé stayed with him, until almost a year later, when the Jordyn Woods news hit the fan. He and Jordyn may not have slept together, but their inappropriate behavior was finally enough for Khloé to ditch his ass. Thank f*cking god.
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
Even four years later, I’m still not quite over the way things went down with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. They seemed like a normal, happy couple, which is why it was so disheartening that Ben cheated on Jen with their nanny, Christine Ouzounian. Ben’s team tried to deny the rumors, but you know some shady sh*t is going down when the nanny gets fired one day after you announce your divorce. Jen is now dating a super normal guy, and Ben can kick rocks.
Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegren
It’s been 10 years since the great Tiger Woods Cheating Scandal of 2009, but it’s no less crazy a decade later. After an initial tabloid report about Tiger having an affair, an avalanche of mistresses began coming forward, with nearly a dozen women accusing Tiger of sleeping with them. If you’re going to cheat, you should probably try to keep the number of mistresses to like, one hand at least. Tiger’s wife Elin divorced him the next year, and this year she gave birth to a son with former NFL player Jordan Cameron. Good for her.
LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian
This cheating scandal was M E S S Y, and there are so many layers here to unpack. LeAnn and Eddie were both married to other people in 2008, when they started hooking up while shooting a Lifetime movie together. Honestly, how all great relationships begin. They eventually went public and left their spouses to be together. They’re still together, so maybe this was for the best? Also, you might remember that Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife is a woman by the name of Brandi Glanville, who would go on to be an iconic Real Housewife, and also one of the root causes of the drama that gave us Vanderpump Rules (because Scheana also slept with Eddie). This cheating scandal is so deep, and its ripple effects have greatly benefited my life, even years later.
What’s the craziest celeb cheating scandal you can remember? And do you believe that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel? Let me know in the comments, because I need conspiracy theories about this.
Images: giphy, justintimberlakebelge,jessicabiel/Instagram
In other words, both men and women can tell with “above-chance accuracy,” simply from looking at his face, whether a man is likely to cheat (aka his potential infidelity). Honestly, I’d say that most of me and my friends’ dating experience goes against this particular finding—but on the other hand, isn’t the problem that we do always see the red flags (or likelihood to cheat) and forge ahead anyway? Something to think about. The study went on to say that participants were using “facial masculinity” to judge the pictured men’s unfaithfulness. According to these researchers, facial masculinity is a “well-established signal of propensity to adopt short-term mating strategies.”
For God’s sake. If anyone lets the f*ckboys of this generation hear the phrase “short-term mating strategies,” it’s all over. (“It’s not that I don’t want to date, I’m just evolutionarily designed for short-term mating strategies!” Kill me.) Another more candid portion of the study lays it out like this: “male masculinity positively related to preference for uncommitted sex and multiple matings.” You heard it here first, guys: run away from that strong jaw. It does explain a lot about Luke P.’s whole face and energy, not to mention that of every athlete who’s ever cheated on a Kardashian. I’d personally be hard-pressed to describe Lamar Odom as having a feminine face, just saying.
her: are you cheating on me
me: why would you say that?
her: i found a hair straightener in your bathroom
me: [too embarrassed to tell her that every morning i use it on my ass hair] yes i’m cheating on you
— viking (@notviking) September 3, 2018
People who make all of their life choices based on their ~zodiac sign~ are truly my favorite breed of human. Like, there are more than 7.5 billion people in the world, and you’re telling me that all of them fit neatly into 12 categories because everyone in those categories subscribes to the exact same personality traits?! Wow, Bethenny. Wow. Yes, I’m fully aware it sounds like I don’t buy into all of this zodiac sh*t, but I 100% do because I need to blame all of my terrible life choices on something other than my poor decision-making skills and inability to ignore “I miss you” texts.
Yes, I will admit that some zodiac stuff is absolute garbage, but some of it is pretty real! So for this installment of “I let my zodiac tell me what to do,” I’d like to discuss how you should engage in romantic situations based on your sign, using the findings of an EduBirdie survey that tested the relationship tendencies of each zodiac sign. Are you a loyal betch or a betch with a wandering eye? Let’s find out, shall we?
According to horoscope.com, Aries “will never do something just because everyone else is doing it.” Fair enough. The main qualities of Aries are: competitive, loyal, smart and impulsive. This honestly sounds like every guy I’ve ever dated, minus the loyal part. EduBirdie found that Aries act on instinct and, because of this, will likely stray from a relationship if the moment presents itself. Ever the opportunist, right? Look, if you’re an Aries/sh*tty person and find yourself banging someone who isn’t your significant other, don’t lie about it. Honesty and begging for forgiveness are always the best policy, so after you’ve determined that you haven’t caught an STD from banging a rando in the bathroom of a bar, tell your partner and pray they can still see the good qualities of Aries, like the fact that ageless angel Paul Rudd is also an Aries.
“Smart, ambitious, and trustworthy, Taurus is the anchor of the zodiac,” according to horoscope.com. Can someone please explain what the “anchor of the Zodiac” is supposed to mean? Much appreciated. Anyway, back to the survey: “17% of Taurus have or have come close to cheating, whereas the strong majority believe in steadfast fidelity.” Now, that’s something worth believing in! Too bad there are apparently no Tauruses left in the world, amiright? Taurus are also practical and sensual, which makes them grounded and dependable in relationships. If any Taurus out there would like to apply for the position of a thirsty Virgo’s boyfriend (it’s me, I’m the thirsty Virgo), please do so in the comments or in my DMs.
Greetings and condolences to anyone who has ever had to deal with a Gemini. EduBirdie says, “Expressive and curious, people born under Gemini typically prefer casual relationships, which isn’t surprising given nearly one-third (31%) have or have come close to cheating on a significant other.” For an unbiased survey, this seems like a pretty solid roast, if you ask me! I do agree, though. Gemini are famous for having split personalities, and I am not a fan. Put more nicely, horoscope.com says, “Gemini is characterized by the Twins, Castor and Pollux, and is known for having two different sides they can display to the world.” Same sh*t, though. Clap once if you’ve ever dated a Gemini who said he can’t date you because serious relationships go against his sign. I’m clapping, are you?
It is my personal belief that, despite its horrible name, that Cancer is the best zodiac sign. EduBirdie says, “Sentimental and compassionate, these water signs are guided by their nurturing dispositions. In touch with their feelings and true to commitment, only 13% have or have come close to cheating, with most remaining faithful.” I’m picking up what Cancer is putting down. Is there a way to filter my Ship feed to show only Cancer? Asking for a friend.
“Leos are all about the drama, with fiery personalities and the actions to show it; 36% have either cheated or have come close to it, letting relationships burn before them.” Is it just me, or are these impartial survey findings very opinionated? Look, if you’re a Leo, just make some sort of effort to, like, not act like a Leo in your relationship. On the upside, Leos are blessed with high self-esteem, which now that I think about it, I’m not so sure is a good thing? Is this why Leonardo DiCaprio only dates models half his age? Just a theory. Whatever.
Ah, the best sign of all the signs. And I’m not just saying that because I am a Virgo. “Virgos are known for loyalty and practicality, and that reputation extends to relationships. Only 6% have considered straying from a relationship,” EduBirdie says. Only 6% is pretty good, y’all. Find yourself a Virgo if you want to experience what being treated well feels like. Virgos are “smart, sophisticated, and kind, and they get the job done without complaining. Virgos are also amazing friends.” In other words, Virgos have no flaws.
Ah, another sign who stans fidelity! “Diplomatic and gracious, Libras crave typical romance. EduBirdie’s survey findings showed only 7% have considered engaging with someone other than their partner.” For those of you who skimmed that stat, I’d like to note that it says only 7% have considered cheating, not have cheated. Libras, where you at? I know a great Virgo who needs a boyfriend! Libras are generally “intelligent, kind, and always willing to put others before themselves,” which is really the only difference between Virgos and Libras.
“Scorpios are reluctant to let anyone in, and are understandably less likely to engage in a casual relationship. Only 9% have or have come close to cheating, with most remaining faithful.” Well, what do you expect from a sign named after an animal that can kill you just from touching you? Yes, this is a good stat, but if you’re a Scorpio, you prob waited a long-ass time before settling down. Tell me I’m wrong. I dare thee. Before everyone attacks me in the comments, I’d just like to say that dating Scorpios isn’t as bad as it seems because they are loyal af and try really hard once they’re in a relationship. Getting them in the relationship is hard f*cking work, though, so you better damn well love this person before agreeing to put up with the bullsh*t for years and years.
Sagittarius is basically another word for “extrovert.” If you need further proof of this, Chrissy Teigen is a Sagittarius. Boom. “Sagittarius are more likely to leave a relationship if they aren’t happy with the idea that the grass is always greener. Of those surveyed, EduBirdie found 23% have or have come close to cheating on their partner.” This basically confirms what we already knew: John and Chrissy truly are #relationshipgoals.
Capricorns are pretty similar to Virgos, except that their sense of humor is replaced by a desire to always be right. “Serious and independent, Capricorns are planners and less likely to settle down easily, but once settled won’t typically stray. Just 11% have considered cheating or gone through with it.” Interesante. Remind me why we bother with Capricorn? These the guys who tell us they can’t take us to frat formal because they don’t want to ruin the friendship?
“Aquarius babies connect with others on a deeper level, so one night stands are typically out of the question, with 10% considering or engaging in cheating behavior.” Those are pretty good odds, and honestly, any guy who is down to connect beyond a superficial level, especially in a city as big as New York, is fine in my book. On the downside, though, Aquarians can be temperamental and uncompromising, and many are shy and quiet. Ugh, I guess we can’t win?
Pisces is one of the few words I can literally never spell correctly on the first try because it’s unnecessarily complicated, just like the people born between February 19 and March 20. “Compassionate and empathetic, like the other water signs, Pisces babies are faithful; only 12% have considered or engaged in cheating.” After reading this study, it doesn’t seem like a whole lot of the signs enjoy cheating, which is great for humanity, but a little boring for people who live for drama (hi).
Images: Giphy (12)
As I mention in my personal manifesto, and of course, every single article I write for this site, I believe that most men are cheating piles of trash just waiting for the chance to serenade their way into a new woman’s sparkly hotpants (looking at you, Jed). And today is the day I’ve been waiting for, because now I have the data to prove it. *cues evil laugh*. That’s right, the kind folks over at Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating website, have supplied me with a “Cheating Hotlist” which looks at last summer’s signup data, and then determined the top 20 most unfaithful cities in the USA. See, math can be fun!
Before we get to the goods, let me explain a little more. Ashley Madison created this list because, “Traditionally, we see our membership begin to swell as the warmer weather arrives and cuffing season is over.” They note, “It’s not unusual for people to be more uninhibited during the summer months since the energy feels more carefree and there are increased social opportunities that get people off their couch. The concept of a summer fling wasn’t created for no reason!” Cool. So to sum it up, in the summer, people like to get drunk and bang strangers while their spouses sit at home unaware. Got it. Now let’s take a look at the cities where people are the most “uninhibited,” or “carefree,” or any other euphemism we can come up for “f*cking around”.
Orlando, Florida, you saucy little minx! Who would have guessed it? Certainly not one single person that I posed this question to in my office. And believe me, these dudes know cheating. To be honest, I find the fact that Orlando is number one on the “Cheating Hotlist” to be disconcerting. Who even lives in Orlando other than people that work at Disney World? You are basically telling me that every single dude at your daughter’s birthday character breakfast just threw that suit on after an illicit rendezvous with his mistress at the local Holiday Inn. For shame, Mickey, for shame! (Also, please get that suit dry cleaned.)
I hope that you’ll notice that of the 20 cities in the “Cheating Hotlist,” FOUR of them are located in Florida. It’s Britney, Betch and I were just thinking we might have been too hard on Florida, and perhaps we should stop saying things like “It’s not a state, it’s just a cesspool filled with meth that has people floating around in it,” but now I know we spoke too soon. Florida, you’re back on my list, and you deserve all the publicity you get for those meme-able mugshots, bar fights with potatoes, residents kicking swans in the head, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
The people over at Ashley Madison also kindly pointed out that, “While certain states like Florida stood out…, the variety we see on this list shows that infidelity can happen anywhere. It’s not just happening in booming metropolitan areas, it’s happening in towns big and small involving all walks of life.” Funny, that was also the voiceover at the beginning of last week’s Dateline episode. But if we really look at the map, to me, the midwest looks pretty safe, right? I say that as a question because my geography skills are subpar and for all I know the middle of this country could be called Hogsmeade. Whatever it’s called, I’m moving there because it appears no one is living that Tiger Woods life. Sure, it could be because no one actually lives there, but I made peace with the fact that I’ll be dying alone in my apartment while my body is feasted on by my dogs long ago.
The other cities that made the list include Newark, NJ (shout out to my fellow Jersey peeps, I always knew you were garbage! I still love you though, you overly tanned sons of bitches), St. Louis, MO; Pittsburgh, PA; Freemont, CA; Atlanta, GA; Cincinnati, OH; Las Vegas, NV; Tampa, FL; Gilbert, AZ; Hialeah, FL; Cleveland, OH; Garland, TX; St. Petersburg, FL; Plano, TX; Seattle, WA; Boston, MA; Sacramento, CA; Anaheim, CA; and Arlington, TX.
At first I was shocked that NYC wasn’t on this list, but then it occurred to me that this is a city where 53-year-old men say things like, “I’m ready to settle down, but I can’t date someone my age because they’re not fertile anymore, and THAT’s why I go for younger girls, you know?”. You can’t really be a cheater if your deep-seated commitment issues and impossible standards kept you from ever getting married in the first place.
Now that we’ve arrived at the end of this article, I have a confession to make. I used this data to fit my own “men are trash” agenda, and have kept something to myself. According to the data that Ashley Madison collected they said, “It’s also not just men cheating—another Hollywood narrative we’ve been sold time and time again. Women are cheating just as much as their male counterparts and this is evidenced by our current global sign up ratio of 1 active paid male for every 1.11 active females.” So it turns out that we are all trash. We are, in fact, a dumpster full of trash, sitting in a Walmart parking lot, in Orlando, Florida. I hope you all enjoy your summers, now go forth and philander!
Images: Ashley Madison; Giphy (2)