Whatever your feelings are on the new Bachelorette pick, I think we can agree: the last few seasons have been severely lacking. Becca Kufrin and Rachel Lindsay handled themselves with grace, don’t get me wrong. But they also both wound up with supremely disappointing mates: Becca’s, a man who liked memes so offensive they made my eyes water; and Rachel’s, well, a man who isn’t Peter Kraus. (This is not just Peter-favoritism; Vulture, The New Yorker, and The New York Times all agree with me.) On the flip side, the last two Bachelor seasons have ended with our suitor saying “f*ck it” and doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it messes with show protocol or their runner-ups’ emotions. And sadly, I have more faith in both of those relationships because of it.
This season, I’d like to see Hannah Brown be a different type of Bachelorette—not for how “fierce” her love is, but for saying “f*ck it” when the format of the show no longer suits her. My fear is this: for all ABC’s talk of how “real” Hannah is, nothing in her pageant or Bachelor history makes me think she’ll be the one to break this pattern. In Bachelor Nation, the men are allowed to follow their hearts at any cost, while women are encouraged to consider the other contestants’—and all of America’s—feelings. The question was never “did Rachel Lindsay want to marry Bryan Abasolo?” It was this: if Rachel didn’t want to marry Bryan, would she have maybe stayed anyway?
This dynamic—of women obeying the rules while men break them—plays out over and over on Bachelor in Paradise. The women wait to check in with their dates’ feelings; the men go after the shiny new thing. At a certain point, it becomes clear what’s happening—it’s not that the women are, across the board, more invested in the men. It’s that the women are more reluctant to do something they “shouldn’t,” to break one of the many unspoken Bachelor rules. You could chalk it up to ingrained gender norms—and that certainly plays a part—but I think there’s something else going on here. These women have dropped everything to find love on a reality show: it doesn’t make sense that they would be meek in their pursuit of it. Women treat dating as an Olympic sport every day; why, on a show built around that very concept, are men the only ones jumping fences?
Of course, when picking apart reality shows you have to consider two layers: the story we’re shown, and the story that existed before the editors got to it. Rachel spoke out recently about her Bachelorette finale, claiming that her “happy ending was not demonstrated within the confines of your television screens,” while maintaining that she is “living it every day in real life.” Apparently, Rachel was hurt by how much of the episode focused on her breakup with Kraus, and doesn’t think this accurately reflects her journey. And Becca K. draws a similar distinction. When asked by Hollywood Reporter how she felt about Arie’s devastating on-screen break-up (I paraphrase), she said this: “ to stay focused on the important things. To focus on what I actually went through and not what people are saying, because at the end of the day, I lived it.”
So, maybe the biggest issue isn’t with the men that they wound up with, or the actual romantic opportunities they were presented. The issue is that they were depicted as having unhappy, humiliating stories, regardless of what happened in real life. No matter what ABC does, no matter how tattooed or outspoken its Bachelorette picks become, they can’t get away from the fact that Bachelor Nation peddles in female heartbreak above all else. The story they are intent on selling is that women don’t break the rules unless they’re monsters, but men can break the rules if their hearts are pointing elsewhere.
The truth is, I have a hard time believing that anyone falls in love, to the point of thinking about marriage, in three months while dating thirty other people. So that makes it all the more compelling when Arie makes a mistake, or Colton reveals that he has a final pick with three girls left. The system shouldn’t work, for most people—so the stories that act as proof of how broken the system is seem most legitimate. If ABC wanted to atone for its treatment of Becca K., it should have let her break the formula like Arie did, and given her license to take more or less time as she needed. Instead, they sent the message that, even and especially due to her recent humiliation, she would have to be just as perfect and open-hearted as every Bachelorette before her.
To bring this back to Hannah Brown: I don’t trust that ABC will, on-camera or off, encourage its Bachelorette leads to go with their gut, really, any time soon. So I hope Hannah comes out of this season without a ring on her finger. Even if we may never really know how happy her story is, in comparison to the story ABC will show us, at least we’ll know she didn’t make a lasting commitment under duress. If the women of Bachelor Nation commit themselves to saying “f*ck this” to the show’s antiquated rituals, maybe in five years ABC will catch up and actually air that footage. Then, we might have a Bachelorette worth watching.
Images: ABC; Giphy (2)
Once upon a time, in the early innocent days of pre-2017, The Bachelor was fun, plain and simple. At its worst, The Bachelor was overly staged or flat—now, The Bachelor feels like an oddly painful chore. Is it because a man whose name sounds like a slug falling out of your mouth plays the lead? Maybe—Arie is fundamentally lacking in charm, to say the least. But we Bachelor fans survived (multiple!) seasons of Nick Viall. In television or otherwise, we’ve seen more than our share of lackluster men and not tuned out entirely. So, why does this particular season feel so bad? Why, more than ever, does continuing to watch The Bachelor feel like an indefensible choice? I’ve outlined a few theories below.
It’s A Little Too Real
The Bachelor operates with a fundamentally fascinating premise. Other reality shows require interest in a certain set of people, or industry. The Bachelor is relatable to all, since nearly everyone attempts/fails at finding love at some point in life. The Bachelor, ideally, plays out a personal drama with all the caveats of a car commercial. Closed course. Professional driver. Do not attempt. You need to see a gamified version of love, with right moves and wrong moves and people who are more skilled at getting romantic attention than other people. That’s the sport that we’re watching.
Unfortunately, that’s also now the sport that we’re playing. In college, you either avoid parts of campus or accept that you’ll see Friday’s hookup with someone else on Saturday. On Hinge, you’re excited at a match—then you realize he’s matched with every friend you have in the zip code. If you get a late text, you expect that it’s going out, unchanged, to multiple girls. How is TV any different? Even Bachelor contestants seem more real, populating your Instagram feed with FaceTuned versions of their daily lives. As the circumstances seem less artificial, we feel the personal anxiety return. When Dean picks D-Lo, we feel a gut-punch of recognition. When Rachel picks Bryan, we feel cheated out of the fantasy this TV show was engineered to produce. OF COURSE Rachel and Peter couldn’t have worked out in reality—but since when was that ever the point?
Peter: I can’t marry you, I barely know you.
Women Deal With Enough
I can’t speak to the rest of ABC’s viewership, but somewhere around the Cheeto-in-Chief’s inauguration, I stopped enjoying watching women who were set up to fail try really, really hard to succeed. And The Bachelor, by definition, relies on every woman going after the gold. Even when the gold has less charisma than a raw potato with googly eyes. Even when they bring in so many women on the first night that most of them know they’ll go home. While I’ve happily yelled, “CRAWL FOR IT, BITCHES” at previous iterations of night-one desperation, that feels wrong now. Reality TV is too confused with reality. The same emotion that brought me to my first-ever political march in 2017 has sullied my ability to watch the coerced humiliation of women with an uncritical eye.
Do I have a personal attachment to someone like Lauren B, who seems alternately mean-spirited and completely negligible, like a wasp with a broken leg? No. But I can’t in good conscience say she deserves her heart broken—or worse, ending up with Arie.
TL;DR: In an effort to counteract America’s funhouse mirror-inspired standards for women, I’ve had to check my own. Unfairly judging women is less fun when you’re living a Black Mirror episode of the political ramifications.
Arie: *breathes near a woman*
Seriously, Arie Sucks
Yes, Arie could never have tanked the Bachelor franchise all on his own. But it sure doesn’t help that at a moment of national frustration, ABC handed us such a weak-ass prize. I haven’t seen a lowering of standards for the women. Jacqueline and Seinne are accomplished, cultured, and ambitious. Bekah and Tia are vibrant, warm, and earnest. Becca K and Lauren B are…well, apparently exactly what Arie wants, which is the skill being tested here anyway, so good for them. But every one of these women is put in a demeaning position by even appearing on this show, because they’re contractually obligated to compete below their rank. It’s like when they put Kenny in the ring with Arie early on. Kenny would have looked like an idiot if he did anything other than smash Arie into the ground repeatedly, and (god bless) that’s exactly what he did.
These contestants, because they’re so far out of Arie’s league, are put in the ring with Arie and made to pretend he can beat them. They’re playing out a much darker game than “what if falling in love had game show rules.” They’re playing out “what if falling in love had game show rules and also all the good men died.” The Bachelor should provide a chance at a genuinely great catch (for example, the male equivalent of Rachel). Putting them up against Arie just another demonstration of the very real difference in caliber of male vs. female candidates for any given role. (I’m talking about the election again here, and also kind of about how all your amazing friends date such shitty guys. Why is that?) It’s not fair, and it’s definitely not fun to watch.
At the end of the day, I’m too enamored with the vision of a really good version of this show to fully tune out. I want an IRL Prince Charming, and all kinds of women falling for him at once, and everyone trying and failing to stay two steps ahead of their emotions. This Bachelor is nothing more than a dry microcosm of our own frustrations, and ABC needs to stop letting the only “fantasy” element of this franchise be in the contestants’ enthusiasm for Tuscan architecture. When reality looks like 2018, stop trying to make reality TV more real.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
Rachel Lindsay was my favorite Bachelorette, and so it’s extremely difficult for me to say this (as you can tell by the fact that I am writing an entire article about it), but Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo are my least favorite Bachelor franchise couple. And since I hated Josh Murray so much that I read most of Andi’s book, that is truly saying something. It’s just—I had such high hopes for Rachel and Peter, and to see her end up with a chiropractor from Miami with mommy issues and the audacity to put “Dr.” in front of his name is just so disappointing.
Maybe it’s because Peter was so perfectly boring for her, and Bryan was so annoyingly obsessed with aggressive head-grabbing makeouts, or maybe it’s because the show’s editors are true geniuses that can make an audience believe anything (my best guess is the truth lies somewhere in the middle). But either way, I know literally no one that was rooting for a Rachel/Bryan engagement, and I know literally no one today who has been at all turned around by their gross display of social media PDA.
^That really doesn’t look like an enthusiastic “yes”
Anyway, I just cannot and will not be convinced that they are going to make it. So instead, I will do my best to recruit you to join me in my cynical and entirely unfair crusade against this couple by explaining why I believe their Ben Higgins-Lauren Bushnell-esque end is near.
1. This Was Not Bryan’s First Reality Rodeo
We must not forget that Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was not Bryan’s first attempt at finding
reality TV fame love. Nope, his first try was 13 years ago on a show called The Player. That’s right—in the time it takes a young Jewish boy to become a man, all Bryan did was get cheek implants to slightly improve his look and convince ABC casting to give him a shot. And I guess like, go to chiropractor school or whatever. If The Player ever gets a reboot, I put money on Bryan leaving Rachel, adding their relationship to his “player” resume, and further extending his time on our television screens.
2. They Are In A Hurry To Get Married
Aww cute, they want to get married this year. Nope, not cute—doomed. We all know that the most successful franchise couples have enjoyed long, long, engagements (see: Kaitlyn and Shawn, Jojo and Jordan), and that the most predictable breakups came from those who were already planning their wedding (see: Ben and Lauren). It’s almost as if it’s a better idea to be in a long term relationship BEFORE you get married.
Rachel in like 2 months:
3. They Are Trying WAY Too Hard
Seriously, the social media campaign to prove to the world that they are in love is just too much. First they throw a fancy engagement party and have all of my favorite franchisee cast members post pictures of it (all I want in life is to party with Alexis), like: “Oh, cool you are friends with realistic couple Raven and Adam, you must be in love”. And then Rachel goes swimming in Miami wearing a Fiancé bathing suit. Seriously girl, who are you trying to convince: America or yourself?
4. He Could Never Compete With Copper
I mean, Copper is way cuter than Bryan and definitely had a better thing going with Peter during their Palm Springs one-on-one date. And Rachel just doesn’t strike me as a girl who would choose a man over a dog—because really, would anyone?
So here’s to hoping we get a breakup announcement just in time for Arie’s premiere. And if I am wrong, which I’m not, then I am sorry Rachel, I still love you—I just hate your choice in husband.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast & it’s hilarious af. Listen & subscribe here!
If you’re enough of a card-carrying member of Bachelor Nation, you definitely follow at least a few of the former cast members on IG. If you give two shits about Rachel and Bryan, you know the couple has been flaunting their loooooove for each other all around New York City this week during Fashion Week.
Rachel spilled the deets on their relationship at the Badgley Mischka show, saying they don’t have plans to get married, yet. I mean, she did explicitly say on the show she wanted to be engaged at the end of it, and it’s not like she dumped the perfect guy for her because he didn’t want to get married right away, only for her to drag her feet about tying the knot with America’s second choice or anything…
Rach says she’s wrapping up her law practice in Texas because, you know, a lucrative law career is something you just grow out of. She and Bryan will be moving to California together to sell sunglasses on Instagram instead of maintaining real careers, I assume. I mean, it’s not like law school cost her three years of her life and tens of thousands of dollars to become a lawyer. I hear from
sources my two friends in law school that the California BAR exam is one of the hardest to pass in the nation. IDK maybe she’ll practice in Cali, but that seems like a huge fucking maybe. And, I mean, would you want a woman who chose a guy with obvious cheek implants defending you in a court of law?
Anyway, back to fashion week. Would it be an annoying newly engaged gush session without showing off that giant-ass ring? OF COURSE FUCKING NOT. Rachel and Bryan were around to flash the 3-carat platinum teardrop Neil Lane diamond ring. Seems like a weird thing for Bryan to brag about since I’m pretty sure he spent zero dollars to buy it. I mean, if you get a diamond for free, does it even have any value anymore? Nah, I’m playing. It’s still fucking beautiful and I’m 100 percent jealous of it.
Here’s the real life bling @thebacheloretteabc @TheRachLindsay @BadgleyMischka with her fiancé @TheAbDoctor #NYFW pic.twitter.com/Q9sdG4CEc3
— Anne Bratskeir (@AnnieBrat) September 12, 2017
The couple likes to tell everyone they talk to that they’re “really happy”. You know, in case Peter was wondering, or anything like that.
If you didn’t read our Part 1 Bachelorette finale recap, stop what you’re doing and read it here!
Now that the Rose Ceremony we all knew the ending to is over, it’s time to finally get into the meat of this finale. Will she pick Bryan, or will she pick Peter? You think this will be like, your normal run-of-the-mill finale with a no-proposal fake-out wherein the person who wasn’t going to propose has a change of heart, but shit gets off the rails pretty fast.
Date With Bryan
A hot air balloon. Of course.
Bryan: I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me.
Me: Wow I think the opposite but I guess that’s what makes this country of ours so great.
Okay the Spanish language book is actually kind of cute, but kissing Bryan literally looks like the seventh circle of hell to me. IDK if this assessment makes sense, but he just uses too much mouth. Wayyyy too much mouth.
At this point, I’m still team Peter, but all of that is about to change…
Date With Peter
Peter and Rachel have this green camo thing going on. I’ve never seen a couple that matches better in my life. Their faces match. Their clothes match. Their stubborn unwillingness to compromise on matters of the heart match. It all matches.
Rachel has ditched the vampire look and is better for it. Maybe she’s feeling less murderous?
The two are literally at a church with a priest. Hmmm…seems like The Bachelorette producers are trying to tell Peter something, but…I can’t put my finger on what.
First clue that Peter is not on the up-and-up: He uses the phrase “feelings of love” too much and sounds like a fucking alien.
Spanish Priest They Paid To Tell Peter To Marry Rachel: It is very important to remember not to give importance to things that are not important.
Bach Producers: WE DID NOT PAY YOU FOR RIDDLES, PADRE!
Okay, so, the life that Peter describes living with Rachel sounds like an elderly gay couple’s dream. Wine night with painting? How old is Peter, actually? Y’all are in your thirties, you’re not fucking dead.
Peter: I need to figure out if I love you.
Rachel: Um yeah that would be great.
This is the moment where we all come to a stunning realization: Peter is fuckboy-ing Rachel. Rachel, our beautiful, sassy, attorney Rachel, is being fuckboy-ed on her own season of The Bachelorette.
Rachel: One minute he tells me he wants to plan this future with me, and the next he says he can’t commit. I don’t know what’s going on.
Me: **eyes roll back in my head and images all the fuckboys I’ve known in my life flash before me** Oh no…
Peter and Rachel are matching for a second day in a row. How is this happening? I guess they both look good in green?
Peter: I’m still not ready.
Rachel: Then by the power vested in me as the First Black Bachelorette, I hereby banish you to fuckboy hell, to live out your days in
a CrossFit gym Hades.
Me: Wait…did they just break up? Before the Rose Ceremony? What is happening? Does this mean Bryan wins? DOES BRYAN FUCKING WIN!?!?
Accurate representation of me realizing that Rachel and Peter legit just broke up before the final Rose Ceremony and that means Bryan is going to win:
After The Final Rose With Peter
You know, after watching Lee literally turn inside-out with awkwardness while being called a racist in the Men Tell All, I thought there is simply no way The Bachelorette could make me any more uncomfortable. Then Peter and Rachel happened.
Rachel is so obviously furious that Peter didn’t just propose so she doesn’t have to be with Bryan. Her anger literally made my Chromecast overheat.
“I’m not angry.” — Rachel, literally seething with rage.
Rachel finally gets to the point: If you feel this way about marriage, you should not be on The fucking Bachelorette. She’s not wrong.
“I’m living my best life.” — Rachel, trying to choke down vomit while thinking about her future answering 100 phone calls a day from Bryan’s mom and paying for cheek maintenance with her lawyer’s salary.
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
THIS WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE, WHY???
Peter: I feel attacked.
If we, the audience, got anything out of this interaction, it’s that the new power move is leaving your eyelashes behind at a fuckboy’s apartment as a reminder of who the damn boss is around here.
“I walked past your eyelashes on the floor for two days.” — Peter, a 31 year-old man who leaves nasty eye trash on the floor of his bedroom for days on end.
At this point I’m just like, this could go anywhere. Is Kevin Durant gonna show up and steal her at the last minute? I would not be surprised.
The Final Rose Ceremony
They’re trying to make it seem like Rachel might not accept Bryan’s proposal, but we all know the truth: Rachel wants a ring so bad she’ll marry Alvin the chipmunk to get one. It’s her fatal flaw.
All of this craziness reminds me that Rachel was, at one point, in love with Nick Viall. Homegirl does not have the best judgment. You know, come to think of it, Rachel never seemed as into any of these dudes as she was into Nick, and Nick never really seemed to like Vanessa as much as he liked Rachel. WAS NICK VIALL THE ONE ALL ALONG?!? Once again:
Bryan has no clue any of this was gonna happen. He literally has no idea that he already won, or that he didn’t really win because everyone knows who Rachel really wanted.
Of course, Rachel accepts Bryan’s proposal.
Rachel: Will you accept this rose?
Me: **deep, earth-shattering, sadness overtakes me and I take a long sip of wine to balance it out**
Well I hope you’re happy Rachel, you got your ring.
Rachel: I’m your what?
Rachel: Good. Now never speak to me again.
I can’t help but think: How is Bryan going to feel now that he’s seen the episode?!? She literally did everything but grab Peter by the face and scream, “I DON’T WANT TO MARRY BRYAN” until he agreed to propose.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
After The Final Rose With Bryan
If Bryan has any inclination that his new fiancée is literally still furious over losing Peter, he gives no indication.
I feel like that second proposal was his way of being like, “Wait, you still want to marry me after seeing Peter again, right?”
Bryan: **gets down on one knee**
Rachel: Oh sweet Jesus don’t make me have to do this shit again.
“We’re not putting any pressure on it. We’re just trying to build a normal relationship.” — Bachelorette code for, “We will quietly breakup in about a year once we’ve secured all of our Fit Tea endorsements.”
Lol Rachel had better get used to talking to Bryan’s mom on the phone because I have a feeling she’s one of those “call every day with suggestions about how to be a better housewife” type of ladies.
Wow, you know, I honestly think the most worthwhile thing out of that entire three hours was getting to see sweet Dean again in the BiP preview. Honestly, if I wanted to feel this level of shock and deep national shame, I’d rewatch the poll returns from the 2016 election. If Dean wasn’t going to be in BiP, I’d boycott, but he is soooo….
See you guys in Paradise!
Wow, where do we begin? First of all: let’s agree to never do this Finale/After The Final rose mashup again, k? I get that like, they literally had to do it because Peter employed his handsome gap-toothed treachery to undermine the entire premise of the show, but never again. It was like, really boring, and overwhelming emotionally.
Yes, I did just say an episode of The Bachelorette was overwhelming emotionally. I see no problems there.
Fantasy Suite With Peter
The show wastes no time presenting us with the central question of the entire episode: Why the fuck would Peter come on The Bachelorette if he had such strong feelings about marriage and proposals? Like, yes these feelings are valid in the real world, but this isn’t the real world. This is a reality show where people who have been dating for two weeks declare their undying love for each other by exchanging roses at the top of a mountain. Get with it.
Let the crying begin. One the bright side, Rachel’s eyes are like, perfect for crying. They’re so big.
Peter: I just don’t know if I can propose.
Rachel: If you fuck this up and force me to save face and choose Bryan I will come to Wisconsin and burn down
your CrossFit gym all that you hold dear.
After all that fighting, Peter and Rachel wake up from the fantasy suite looking more like two people who just fucked than any two people I’ve ever seen in my life.
No makeup Rachel has no business looking that beautiful. Peter with his shirt off is literally NC17. I had to ask my boyfriend to leave the room while he was on screen.
Straight up these two make such a pretty couple. They’re like the gorgeous interracial couple that dies in the beginning of a horror movie. Their fatal flaw? Being too beautiful.
Fantasy Suite With Bryan
Right off the bat, Bryan starts saying weird shit like “I love Rachel tremendously,” but all I can hear is “I have fake cheeks and am looking for a mommy.”
Bryan is so, so down to get engaged, which is insane for real life but makes sense in the world of The Bachelor. Like, I will at least give Bryan props for understanding the basic premise of the show.
Rachel isn’t able to concentrate on Bryan because she can’t stop thinking about
the time she fucked Peter.
Bryan: You seem distracted.
Rachel: I just want Peter to propose to me so I don’t have to spend time with you—I mean, what?
Chris Harrison: How close were you to turning down the fantasy suite with Peter?
Rachel (Externally): Very close. It was a very difficult decision.
Rachel (Internally): Lol have you seen Peter? I was never leaving Spain without hitting that. Chris Harrison, you crazy.
Rachel goes to dinner with Bryan dressed like a vampire queen, probably as a subtle way to communicate, “If you don’t propose to me at the end of this I will drain your body of blood.” She will take this look too far later in the episode, but for now it’s good.
Bryan finally addresses that the date didn’t feel good.
Bryan: What changed?
I fucked Peter. Nothing.
Ugh okay well Rachel was never going to keep Bryan around this long and not try some of that Colombian blend if ya know what I mean…
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
We get to the rose ceremony and it’s like “Omg is Eric still there?”
Rachel amps up the vampire look by like, a thousand and for the first time ever I am not feeling her look.
I’m sorry but this shit looks like Game of Thrones cosplay.
Rachel: **Shows up wearing this look**
Party City Rachel gives Bryan and his cheeks the first rose, then she gives some long-ass speech that is clearly directed at Peter.
Rachel (Externally): **long-ass speech about being here for a proposal**
Rachel (Internally): Don’t think I won’t send you home and marry Bryan because I fucking will, you gorgeous silver-haired snack of a man. I did not come here to play.
We all knew Eric was going home, but Eric definitely did not know Eric was going home, and it’s actually kind of sad.
Eric gives another one of his incomprehensible speeches that only Rachel seems to understand but somehow I am also crying?
Cut to: After The Final Rose, where Eric rolls in with the traditional “I got kicked off The Bachelorette” beard.
Eric: How is your heart?
Rachel: I mean, I can’t really answer that right now, but you’ll soon see that it is not good.
You think that’s it?! Continue on to our Part 2 Bachelorette Finale Recap here!
This season of The Bachelorette has been more disappointing than my last five Bumble dates, and the bar was set pretty fucking low for both of those things. I mean, we have this beautiful, talented, driven woman and ABC gives her Whaboom and a racist as potential suitors. Between that and the eyelash extensions that look like they’re two seconds from taking flight off Rachel’s face, it’s been a really tough season to follow. That said, there are a few gems in this season’s dumpster fire of a cast. There’s Eric, who is v handsome and whose scarf collection looks like it’s probs worth more than my rent. There’s Peter who’s part silver fox, part commitmentphobe fuckboy who grinded on Rachel one time in a hot tub so she thinks it’s love. Then we have fucking Bryan. The 37-year-old chiropractor whose idea of a “hot date” is driving an expensive car and frightening the viewers back home with his anaconda-style PDA skills. He somehow got the first impression rose despite the fact that he has the personality of wet cement, but it’s 2017. Wilder shit has happened. Tbh my favorite part about Bryan is that Peter and the internet are convinced he has cheek implants and I am so here for that rumor.
Last week during the Fantasy Suites episode that lacked any actual footage from the fantasy suite—ABC, you’re on my list—Peter accused Bryan of having fake cheeks and it was the burn heard ‘round the world. In case you forgot that casual gossip bomb he dropped, here are his exact words: “He’s got his confident Miami swagger. But in Miami there’s a lot of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks.” AND FAKE CHEEKS.
PETER: *casually accuses Bryan of having fake cheeks*
ME TO MY EMPTY LIVING ROOM:
Okay, but aside from that being one fantastic rumor is there any actual truth to it? Like, what even are cheek implants? Surprisingly there’s not tons of information about the procedure out there. Perhaps because people prefer not to look like adult chipmunks. Shocking, I know.
Face fillers (aka chipmunk face) and face-lifts were the standard procedure for cheek augmentation until recently when cheek implants became the new “it” thing. Cheek implants are popular because not only does the procedure permanently change your facial structure but it also takes 10 years off your life. The implants are made of silicone or porous polyethylene and look natural AF. Plus there’s no scarring and the risks are minimal. Hmmm seems 100 percent like something, say, an older gentlemen going on reality TV for the first time in 10-plus years would do before trying his hand again at
Flat Tummy Tea modeling love on national television.
And because I’m far too invested in the lives of
fame whores Bachelor contestants, what better way to spend my valuable free time than to scour the internet for evidence of Bryan’s cheek implants? Writing that sentence just now makes me realize that my parents must be v proud of what my college education has paid for. *Adds hard-hitting journalism to resume* Whatever. I’ve got wine and a search engine—let’s make some shit happen, people. Let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we?
1. He’s From Miami
Though I’m inclined to agree with Peter on this one, I guess not every person from Miami has fake body parts. That said, Miami is the number one city in the WORLD for plastic surgery and a recent survey through the American Society of Plastic Surgeons found that Miami has a whopping 18 plastic surgeons for every 100,000 residents over 18. And I would bet my brunch reservations that one of those 100,000 residents is Bryan The Chiropractor.
2. He’s Old AF
As I’ve mentioned before, Bryan is 37 which is practically ancient by Bachelor standards. Plus he has to compete with Dean who is
perfect and should call me 12 years younger and has the skin of a Neutrogena model so I guess Bry Guy needs some sort of upper hand here. I mean, people usually get cheek implants in the first place because they’re getting old AF and their cheekbones are losing volume, causing their skin and muscle to start to sliding and sagging. *shudders* And Bryan certainly wasn’t going to win over any Instagram endorsements Rachel’s heart with a saggy AF face.
3. He Could Probs Afford It
The standard implant surgery ranges from $5,000 to $10,000 and any sort of personalization can tack on an extra $5K. And my biggest splurge this summer was spending $20 to have a grilled cheese delivered to my door. Rich people are crazy. But Bryan can definitely afford this shit. He’s a chiropractor which is technically a doctor… I think. Regardless, while I’m over here arguing with Miguel from the bodega next door about why he refuses to give me change in quarters so I can do laundry and stop dressing like a homeless person for work, Bryan’s making $150k a year easy. Honestly, he could probs afford to buy himself a new face and have unlimited amounts of grilled cheeses delivered to his door. You know, assuming he hasn’t cut out dairy and carbs from his diet.
Yeah, he totally fucking has.
4. His Reality TV Headshots
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence are his headshots from 13 years ago when he first
whored himself out for TV ratings went looking for love on reality TV. Bryan was on a reality dating show called The Player where he competed with a bunch of other South Beach douchebags to win dates with models. OMG ladies, are you not wet with the prospects of those suitors?? Aside from making me want to vomit, his face from The Player’s intro 13 years ago looks DRASTICALLY different from the face he has now.
We’re not even going to touch on the amount of hair gel and Axe body spray that went into the making of this photo because honestly I’m surprised South Beach didn’t have a shortage back in 2004. The cheeks, though, are CLEARLY different. And just in case you need a side-by-side comparison:
I’m sure Bryan will likely defend this photo by saying it’s grainy AF or there was bad lighting, which is the excuse any teenager with a decent Instagram following uses, but shit’s not lining up for me. I think the photo evidence speaks for itself here. Sorry, Bry.
Final Verdict: He totally has cheek implants and I stand by that rumor I’m spreading. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, BRY GUY. Case closed.
After some very impressive investigative work, it’s recently been uncovered that Bryan Abasolo from this season of The Bachelorette isn’t at his first rodeo when it comes to reality TV dating. 13 years ago—holy shit, yikes—Bryan appeared on a show called The Player, which you probably haven’t heard of since you were like five years old at the time. Bryan still looks pretty hot because men don’t age and life is unfair, but what does his stint on The Player mean for
Rachel’s potential soul mate your Bachelorette bracket?
Well, first of all, The Player sounds like a show that I’d be v v into, according to this Wikipedia description. It features a bunch of self-described “players,” aka fuckboys of the early 2000s, competing against each other to go on dates with a model in South Beach. The whole thing reeks of sleazy douchebags, and naturally the catchphrase of the show is “Don’t hate the player, hate the game!” I can’t think of another sentence in the English language that will get a drink thrown in your face faster, and for that reason, I’m in.
Needless to say, Bryan’s days as a player may be a sign that he’s not the most genuine Bachelorette contestant, or that he at least went through an extremely questionable phase. He does seem to be a front-runner at this point given that he won the first impression rose and hasn’t started a weird sexually charged feud with another contestant yet, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.
OMG WTF BRIAN! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! #TheBachelorette @eandgpodcast pic.twitter.com/CIRMtYmtGo
— Jackie O (@JackieOProblems) June 12, 2017
More importantly, what is it with people who continually return to the reality TV show circuit? Was one season of humiliation not enough? It’s like a bizarre version of Stockholm Syndrome and Nick Viall is the poster boy. Either that ABC legally owns them at this point, which I wouldn’t be surprised about. Just another issue we need a Kickstarter for, if you ask me.