Rachel Lindsay was my favorite Bachelorette, and so it’s extremely difficult for me to say this (as you can tell by the fact that I am writing an entire article about it), but Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo are my least favorite Bachelor franchise couple. And since I hated Josh Murray so much that I read most of Andi’s book, that is truly saying something. It’s just—I had such high hopes for Rachel and Peter, and to see her end up with a chiropractor from Miami with mommy issues and the audacity to put “Dr.” in front of his name is just so disappointing.
Maybe it’s because Peter was so perfectly boring for her, and Bryan was so annoyingly obsessed with aggressive head-grabbing makeouts, or maybe it’s because the show’s editors are true geniuses that can make an audience believe anything (my best guess is the truth lies somewhere in the middle). But either way, I know literally no one that was rooting for a Rachel/Bryan engagement, and I know literally no one today who has been at all turned around by their gross display of social media PDA.
^That really doesn’t look like an enthusiastic “yes”
Anyway, I just cannot and will not be convinced that they are going to make it. So instead, I will do my best to recruit you to join me in my cynical and entirely unfair crusade against this couple by explaining why I believe their Ben Higgins-Lauren Bushnell-esque end is near.
1. This Was Not Bryan’s First Reality Rodeo
We must not forget that Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was not Bryan’s first attempt at finding
reality TV fame love. Nope, his first try was 13 years ago on a show called The Player. That’s right—in the time it takes a young Jewish boy to become a man, all Bryan did was get cheek implants to slightly improve his look and convince ABC casting to give him a shot. And I guess like, go to chiropractor school or whatever. If The Player ever gets a reboot, I put money on Bryan leaving Rachel, adding their relationship to his “player” resume, and further extending his time on our television screens.
2. They Are In A Hurry To Get Married
Aww cute, they want to get married this year. Nope, not cute—doomed. We all know that the most successful franchise couples have enjoyed long, long, engagements (see: Kaitlyn and Shawn, Jojo and Jordan), and that the most predictable breakups came from those who were already planning their wedding (see: Ben and Lauren). It’s almost as if it’s a better idea to be in a long term relationship BEFORE you get married.
Rachel in like 2 months:
3. They Are Trying WAY Too Hard
Seriously, the social media campaign to prove to the world that they are in love is just too much. First they throw a fancy engagement party and have all of my favorite franchisee cast members post pictures of it (all I want in life is to party with Alexis), like: “Oh, cool you are friends with realistic couple Raven and Adam, you must be in love”. And then Rachel goes swimming in Miami wearing a Fiancé bathing suit. Seriously girl, who are you trying to convince: America or yourself?
4. He Could Never Compete With Copper
I mean, Copper is way cuter than Bryan and definitely had a better thing going with Peter during their Palm Springs one-on-one date. And Rachel just doesn’t strike me as a girl who would choose a man over a dog—because really, would anyone?
So here’s to hoping we get a breakup announcement just in time for Arie’s premiere. And if I am wrong, which I’m not, then I am sorry Rachel, I still love you—I just hate your choice in husband.