A Brutally Honest Breakdown Of What Your Fave Alternative Milk Says About You

Milk is the backbone of our society. It’s what raised us as children. It’s what gave celebrities fake mustaches. It’s what sorts out the difference between cold-hearted “I drink my coffee black” bitches and normal human beings. (You’re not a lead FBI agent on a crime show, calm down!) And if lactose isn’t your friend, alternative milks are there to save you from canceling your coffee date out of fear you’ll shit yourself. (Although with coffee involved, you were always at risk.)

Still, as someone who has often paid the “lactose tax” at my local coffee shop, I am intimately familiar with the cost of being the most annoying person at a Starbucks. Hence, I came up with an airtight diagnosis of your personality type based on your non-dairy milk of choice. This way you’re armed with the knowledge that someone thinks you make terrible choices — regardless of your preference.

Whether you’re lactose-intolerant, vegan, or just enjoy making your coffee order you’re entire personality, here’s a brutally honest breakdown of what your go-to alternative milk says about you.

Hemp Milk

If beige flags had a milk equivalent, it would be hemp milk. If this is your go-to, you were either bullied as a kid or you’re a parent who is terrified their kid has a nut allergy. Either way, you’re a sensitive soul who cares about keeping up your Duolingo streak (mostly because you’re afraid of the owl). Absolutely a freak in bed.

Cashew Milk

Cashew milk girlies aren’t like other girls. Mostly because who the fuck carries cashew milk behind the counter? Honestly, stop trying so hard. Admittedly, you give the best drunk bathroom pep talks despite your deep belief that your elusive and mysterious. Embrace that you’re a basic bitch and I promise you’ll have more fun. Please note that I do want to borrow everything in your closet. 

Oat Milk 

Oat milk drinkers want so hard to be cottage core, but with its watery texture you wouldn’t last a day at the mills. That’s okay though! You were built for the soft life. Embrace your inner romanticism and try looking confused in the dairy aisle. If that doesn’t work, there’s always a septum-pierced bisexual at a Brooklyn coffee shop that would love to buy you an oat milk latte. Let us know how it goes in your self-published memoir! 

Soy Milk 

Soy milk drinkers are classy sons-of-bitches. With a brandname like “Silk,” how could you be anything else? A glamorous diva, you live for the drama (though you say you don’t) — like debating a mom of three in a Facebook group — but that’s what makes you the best person to invite to brunch. 

Coconut Milk

If you’re adding coconut milk to your grocery list, you probably will end your day with a 12-step skincare routine. You want people to think you’re as laid back as this tropical dairy alternative, but the truth is that you plan your vacations down to the minute. Thankfully you make one hell of a smoothie and can go head to head with any Virgo in your life. And that’s high praise! 

Rice Milk

You’re the life of the party! Mostly because you make a big batch of spiked horchata with your fave rice milk. Ironically, you consider yourself a homebody and tell people “cooking” is your favorite hobby despite your mostly empty fridge begging to differ. A complicated, dynamic girlie who deserves to spend most of her time on a yacht but destined to live as a 28-year-old teenager with three roommates. 

Almond Milk 

Almond milk drinkers are people pleasers to their core. It’s your go-to alternative milk because it’s always available — which is very telling. You want to be everything to everybody but it’s okay that you don’t taste good with cereal! Let it go! With that said, almond milk drinkers are scrappy and do well in politics. What is people pleasing if not manipulating people for personal gain? Hahahahah I’m kidding. Kinda. 

Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship content at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.