‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Jason Is Dead & Jax Is Back

Guys, we’re almost at the end of this season of Vanderpump Rules. I would take this time to do a little retrospective on everything that’s happened so far, but truthfully, I no longer have the memory span after spending infinite weeks without the company of someone my own age. All I can talk about now is what happened last night on 60 Minutes and speculate on the next time I may get a haircut.

Just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom and Tom’s matching shirt walk of shame to SUR to clean their toilets. We really couldn’t have fit this into last episode? Or just scrapped it entirely?

Actually I lied, just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom Schwartz’s erotic story of his fantasy of shaving Lisa Vanderpump’s legs. If I wanted to listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno, I would literally be doing that right now.

Thankfully we do get to see James’s DJing stint, which I’ve got to conclude was actually a separate night than what we saw last week and not a true bonafide spur-of-the-moment offer, but at this point I can’t be surprised by any lies these producers try to put forth.

Since Jax uninvited Sandoval from his pool party, Sandoval decided to throw a rival party instead. Brittany is unsurprisingly not thrilled, and I can’t wait to read the rage texts that will come from this.

Dayna, Brett, and his poodle hair sit in adjacent seats at dinner, which is all the evidence I need to prove that this relationship is as fake as Lala’s gangsta roots. 

Charli asks why Brett always wears flannel. Dayna says it’s because he’s “like a sexy Paul Bunyan” and Charli can’t even stop herself from being like, “is he?? Is he though???” Why is this girl not on our TV more, but I have to watch these two emotionless clowns?

Brett says something truly perplexing about Max failing to give his express approval for him to sleep with Dayna: “It’s murky waters, but I got a big boat. 55 knots.” Is that a dick thing? I am unfamiliar with boating measurements; what’s the knot-to-inch conversion?

Brittany busts into the house, breaking the news to Jax that Sandoval is throwing his rival party. Brittany acts like they’ve stolen the baby name she’s had written down in her diary since childhood, not decided to throw a party because Jax uninvited them in the first place. Also, don’t think I missed Jax calling Sandoval a woman and adding, “not to bash women…” This guy wouldn’t know what sexism was if it hit him in the face. In the mirror. Because he is sexi—ok, you know what I’m getting at.

And it brings me absolutely no joy to report that manipulative Jax is back, everyone. The new Jason can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s dead, and in his place is the Jax we all know and love revile. Brittany says, “ya know, I can’t help but think this all wouldn’t have happened if you had just never sent that rage text to Max.” And Jax is like, “you know what, that was probably stupid of me, I shouldn’t have done that.”

F*CKING PSYCH! I told you this was Jax, not Jason! He goes into full, “Oh, what? So it’s my fault? So this is all my fault? So Tom Sandoval is a perfect angel and everything is my fault, as usual?” Maybe it’s because I fell asleep at 6am this morning, but I am f*cking exhausted of his bullsh*t already.

Ironically Jax takes a mouthful of pasta before angrily announcing he’s going to the gym, for the third time that day. Looks like he had some pasta before eating some pasta and then working out. Ya hate to see it.

Whoa, using Jax’s Instagram stories was an interesting break in the media. Though I fail to see how recording a Captain’s Log video diary of sorts of him in the car narrating that he’s going to the gym proves to us that he’s not cheating. He could just as easily be driving to or from some girl’s house, I’m just saying. No, you have trust issues!

Anyway, the Toms want to throw some one-year anniversary party and also they’re getting involved with some new garden restaurant Lisa is opening, for a whopping 10%. But are they splitting the 10% or do they each get 10%? This is crucial info that I’m sure Lisa will never divulge and Sandoval will continue to play up for the rest of eternity.

Dying at the fact that Jax is out here acting like women’s equality means publicly endorsing female workout instructors as tougher than the male ones, and saying they make the males “look like little girls”. I mean, it is one step up from utter and outright disdain of women, so, is it growth?

Ok, no, you’re right, I’m giving him way too much credit. It’s not growth. This feels like a fourth grader’s first brush with equality.

Lala goes over to see Brittany, and Jax calls her to be like, “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me because I’m going to the gym, can you believe it? Me! Cheating! Me!” as if no man has used the gym as a code word for some other bitch’s bed before and also Jax has never cheated on every single one of his significant others.

Brittany is not having it, and being like, “I actually am just picking up on a concerning pattern of behavior that you displayed right before you cheated on me.” Do we… stan? The awareness and articulation is kind of impressive—or the bar is just that low. Can’t tell. I kind of do feel bad for Brittany again. Jax held it together for like, what, one season tops? Great, so that’s… the rest of her life, minus a couple of months, of her dealing with this manipulative and scary pattern. 

Even more awkward, Lala tries to ask James to DJ Jax’s pool party, but he’s already booked for Tom’s. Ya love to see it.

Okay, once was fun, twice was okay, but three of Jax’s rage Instagram Stories has really passed the point of necessity.

So now the gang is at Dayna’s comedy show, and already I have to suspend my disbelief too far, because Beau and Max get heckled from the back row. That has never once happened in my illustrious NY comedy spectating career, but maybe it’s an LA thing.

Okay, now Jax has completely devolved (too much, er, pre-workout?) and is angrily telling everyone he put his wedding ring back on, and is STILL MARRIED. Do you want a medal or what?

In explaining the pool party drama to Lisa, Ariana says what we have all been thinking: What is anybody losing by not being friends with Jax? I speak for literally all the viewers when I say, with the exception of last week’s chaotic evil episode, absolutely nothing. I would maybe miss Brittany, but I’m sure we’d catch her on the divorce edit.

Scheana makes a point of showing up to the post-show bar, but didn’t come to Dayna’s show? I would like to know why.

Other things I would like to know: the significance of the day Scheana put out her music video? Jax thinks it encroaches on some day of his—probably like, his dead dog’s half-birthday. Typical Jax.

It’s pretty sad that Dayna and Brett will make out on camera but won’t talk to their friends about it. Lol, Max is such a baby. That’s all I have to say about it. This is sad. Dayna, you and your monotone voice deserve better than this.

But of course Scheana is standing by her man, Max, and coming at Dayna and Brett for having a thing even if it hurt Max’s feelings. (And you can’t even blame this on shady editing.) If you ask me, Max’s feelings can get bent!

Instead of me providing commentary on Max and Brett’s yelling match, I will simply transcribe it:

Max: Dude, what are you doing, brah?
Brett: Bro, I’m not lying to you, bro.
Max: Dude, what’s mine say?
Brett: Sweet, no what’s mine say?
Max: Dude! No, what’s mine say?! 

dude where's my car

Stassi and Beau are right for saying that Dayna can do whatever the f*ck she wants, and Lala is kind of a joke for stirring this entire pot out of nowhere and then saying, “y’all are real f*cking messy right now.” This is like my mom complaining that I’m spoiled, as if some mysterious surrogate mom was the one who spoiled me.

After yet another rage-Instagram from Jax (I officially take back all honorary Emmys I’ve given to the producers because this horse has been beaten WELL post-mortem), we go see Brittany, Ariana, and Lisa volunteering somewhere (they’re just going through their old clothes, because surely homeless people need cashmere sweaters), and Brittany is rehashing the rage text drama. 

Damn, Ariana is NOT holding back any punches, telling Brittany to her face that nobody would be friends with Jax if it weren’t for the fact that he was married to her. And then she goes on to name names of who suggested the pool party—I think Ariana might be the most loyal person on this whole show. When it comes to Tom, anyway. I stan.

Now Brittany is on the rage-text train! Oo, it’s a rage-text three-way call with Lala and Katie! What is wrong with these people, why can’t they hash out their issues at lunch like all the other Real Housewives? 

Also, lmao @ Brittany for this:

Brittany: I heard it was your idea for this pool party
Also Brittany: I’m not blaming you.

Has anyone else noticed that any time they show Brittany in her home, she is taking a solitary shot? I’ve been in quarantine for months and I still haven’t resorted to taking shots by my f*cking self in an empty house.


If I had to choose, I too would go to Sandoval’s pool party. He’s got yurts set up in the backyard, he knows how to go the extra mile to create an ambiance.

I love seeing everyone show up to Tom and Ariana’s party while Jax and Brittany fume at home to their eight guests. The empire has fallen. This is truly the visual representation of the phrase “sucks to suck.” 

Now, to be clear, what Tom and Ariana are doing is extremely petty. However, Jax was petty first. Two pettys (petties?) don’t make a right, but they do make for good TV.

Simultaneously, at both parties, we are still rehashing the Brett/Dayna/Max love triangle, and I am f*cking over it. Except that Brett is making no sense, claiming he doesn’t have feelings for Dayna, but that “when a penis penetrates a vagina, that’s feelings.” Oh okay, that only directly contradicts every experience I’ve had with a straight man thus far in my life. But sure, Brett.

Do you think he’s told Dayna he doesn’t have feelings for her? Not a chance. Also I laughed out loud at how Brett compares him making out with Dayna to “committing World War 83.” Brett, pray tell, what happened during World Wars 3-82?

So much has gone on at this party that it barely registered that Kristen and Carter are here, and, as they announce to Ariana, they’re dating. 

I am LOVINGGG this Ariana, who’s taking shots at everyone with no regard, as she says about Stassi:“Okay, Regina George, you f*cking snob-ass bitch. Why do you keep pretending to care about being my friend, you f*cking snob??” Well, I guess we know who won’t be having a joint birthday party this year….

Another gem: Stassi turned her second bedroom into a shoe closet because she wanted to copy Scheana. And again, the Scheana disrespect is out of control! Imagine liking shoes that much. I don’t even like people that much.

Not gonna lie, I was going to gloss over the part where Sandoval invited James to DJ the TomTom one-year anniversary party, but then it became necessary when Katie told James she’s seen a lot of growth from him and gave him a hug.

Me:

Growth

Over at Jax’s, Stassi pulls Jax aside to be like, “bro, you good?” She says, “It looks like you’re losing your mind.” And Jax goes, “I am.” Jax, the mental health advocate, but only when it comes to his own mental health, because when anybody else opens up about their struggles, they’re faking it for sympathy! 

Jax says something truly perplexing, but also very illuminating at the same time. “When you sprain your ankle, do you walk on it? No. Same thing with the brain, that’s just how the brain works!” Ohhh, so he just hasn’t been using his brain this entire time. Honestly, everything makes sense now.

Jax admits that he had a wedding and has a beautiful house and he’s still not happy. Hmm it’s almost as if getting married can’t fix a relationship. He admits he’s worried he’s going to take it out on Brittany. I predict he’s going to “take it out” on whatever hot nanny they hire the second Brittany gets pregnant. He truly is a WeHo Jeff Lowe. Let’s see if I’m right.

Images: Bravo; Giphy (2)

Tom Sandoval Updated Us On His Friendship With Jax Taylor: ‘I Would Never Consider Jax A Safe Place’

It’s hard to believe that this season of Vanderpump Rules is already coming to a close, but we can’t watch Dayna go back and forth between Brett and Max forever. While the coronavirus pandemic has brought service at SUR and TomTom to a halt, things with our favorite crew of (mostly former) SURvers and bartenders are still heating up. Last week, the Pump Rules crew sat down to film their first ever virtual reunion, because no virus can stop Bravo from bringing us the drama we need.

This week, Vanderpump Rules OG Tom Sandoval stopped by the Mention It All Podcast, and he updated us on his furniture situation, how TomTom is handling the quarantine, and of course, all things VPR. There’s been a lot going on on season 8 of Vanderpump Rules, but one constant theme has been Tom and Ariana’s lack of furniture in their new house. Tom’s explanation? He and Ariana are “two extra motherf*ckers,” and they wanted to take their time to get their home exactly right. In what may or may not have been a dig at some of his costars, he said that “the last thing we would ever do is buy staging furniture with the house.” Catch that shade?

Nearing the end of a “really intense” season, one of the biggest storylines has been Jax Taylor’s inexplicable issues with Tom, and particularly his relationship with Ariana. Speaking on this, Tom says that he doesn’t understand “what his obsession is,” but that he “would never consider Jax a safe place.” I have a feeling these two won’t be patching things up at the reunion, as Tom noted that we’ll see some of his cast mates “continuing to not evolve as human beings.” Tom wasn’t about to spoil anything, but that has Jax Taylor written all over it.

Speaking of the reunion, doing things virtually turned out to be quite a production. Your glitchy company Zoom meeting, this was not. Tom says that production went to “crazy lengths to film this reunion,” delivering complicated tech setups to each cast member’s home, and spending hours remotely helping them set it all up. Tom promises that, despite the circumstances, “the quality is going to be good,” and I can’t wait to see how this season ends. You can listen to the full episode of Mention It All with Tom Sandoval below, and click here to subscribe to get all the newest episodes.

Images: Eugene Powers / Shutterstock.com

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Sweet As Silver

Greetings, children of the quarn, and come join me for the latest Vanderpump Rules recap. Truthfully, the only thing I remember about last week was how unintentionally hilarious Charli was. Judging by her Instagram follower count and her typical allotted amount of screen time per episode, she is pitifully underrated. Like, not to brag (but kind of to brag) but how do I, a certified jackass who just subtweets my Hinge dates and posts screenshots of those tweets to Instagram, have more followers than a regulation hottie on a hit TV show? I will try to not let this go to my head.

Narrator: She would, in fact, immediately let it go to her head.

It’s only been like, three episodes since Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and we’re already back on the wedding train with Katie and Tom’s fake Vegas wedding. Stassi and Sandoval are officiating the wedding together, because I guess Katie and Schwartz really do not want to be legally married. Just kidding, I’m sure Sandoval, at least, will get all the proper licensing. Stassi will probably just find a way to not really do her job and make it about her.

Seeing Danica, Scheana, and Charli go to an outdoor bar and order Aperol spritzes is giving me physical pangs of grief. I too remember those days!! Scheana’s not going to Katie and Tom’s wedding because she’s getting her eggs retrieved, and not because she wasn’t invited. Phew, I honestly wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, at TomTom, Brett is telling Max that he made out with Dayna but it was only because he downed three fruity drinks right in a row and he never has carbs or alcohol! He definitely doesn’t like Dayna at all. This is shady.

Charli is once again the underrated MVP of this entire show with this quote: “To men in LA, vaginas don’t have a face.” New York is the same, in case anyone was wondering. Or is the problem just… men? More on this at 8.

Gonna be honest with you guys, I like, scrolled through Instagram for five solid minutes of Lisa pretending to buy shoes and everyone arriving in Vegas. I just watched McMillions yesterday and now I’m triggered by any and all B-roll footage.

Unfortunately for Dayna, she has been left at SUR to polish glasses—as if she would have been invited to Vegas in the first place. Scheana comes up to Dayna to tell her, once again, that she’s freezing her eggs. The thing is, I could easily make a joke about how it’s like… Nobody: Scheana: I’m freezing my eggs, but the saddest part is that still nobody ever listens to her. 

Over in Vegas, Lala and Randall are talking in bed, and wow, they look really good here.

randall 90 day fiancé meme

As Schwartz is unpacking, he pulls out a bra that is definitely not Katie’s, that just “happened” to end up in his suitcase. It is… pretty dark to watch Schwartz try to jokingly-not-jokingly gaslight Katie that it is, in fact, her bra, only to slink away when that doesn’t work, muttering, “I’m so f*cked.” Ohhh boy. This is not gonna be good.

Also in Vegas, not at all prompted by producers, Beau calls Stassi’s dad to ask his permission to marry her. Beau is sweating like a whore in church and stammering like… a whore confessing in church? I don’t know, I don’t go to church!

Things I did not need to know: Raquel is turned on by James’s sobriety. Yea, I’m not surprised that James is better at sex when he doesn’t have constant whiskey dick. Let’s move on.

Scheana’s doppelgänger waitress is crazy, but what’s even crazier is Stassi trying to flex like she doesn’t remember the name of Scheana’s song. She calls it “Sweet as Silver,” and like, bitch, we all know you know it’s “Good as Gold.” First of all, you heard it nonstop in the Pride parade. 44 donkey kicks to the ear, remember? Also, it is a bop, so put some goddamn respect on Scheana’s name.

It’s pretty wild that Schwartz is going to insist that he has nothing to hide vis-à-vis the bra situation, when we all saw him black out in Mexico and end up in a totally different resort. Just saying, it’s completely within the realm of possibility. But then we learn that Lisa put her underwear in there accidentally but also as a prank? I am confused, but honestly not upset with this turn of events.

Ariana’s reaction to the giant bottle of Casamigos is everything.

Ariana Vanderpump Rules

Bootleg Scheana continues to trip even Max and Lisa out, and predictably, she’s flirting with Max too. Is this a glitch in the Matrix, or do they just go to the same botox doctor? Where is Charli for a hilarious yet true quote about all the women in LA?

I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that Max doesn’t get to dump Dayna/refuse to take her back and then try to forbid Brett from seeing her under the guise that he “has feelings” for her. Max is like, “if I can’t use Dayna for my storyline, no one can!” 

Dayna and Danica are hanging out and she’s wearing some crazy sweatshirt with a chain situation. I love that they’re talking about the “magical website” where Danica shops that is definitely like, Fashion Nova.

I also love Danica trying to explain why Dayna and Brett aren’t a good match, in earnest, because Dayna is a Leo and Brett is a Pisces and “those two just don’t mix.” And then she makes an off-the-cuff remark about how two of her exes have restraining orders against her? Okay, one, who let her on this show? But also, like, who is only letting her have a minimal part in this show? This is a huge missed opportunity. We need more Danica content.

Katie and Schwartz’s fake wedding is pretty fun, and this is the best Katie has never looked. But um, super yikes that Stassi used her friend’s second wedding to sh*t on Beau for not proposing. I need to say it again because I’m not over it: yikes. Girl, get a grip.

Brett, Dayna, James, and Raquel are on the weirdest double date ever. Brett stumbles through a half-assed garden metaphor and then talks about how he….. has a fetish to drink his mom’s breast milk? Sorry, but that’s what I heard, guys.

Dayna remarks that Lisa “has a phat pussy”, and can we not with the Lala energy? I’m going to crawl into my own belly button like Stimpy in that one harrowing episode of Ren & Stimpy. 

The next morning, Stassi calls room service in a fake British accent. I would knock it, but I’m about to be doing that with telemarketers in about a week just to get my kicks. 

Unsurprisingly, Max f*cked Bootleg Scheana. You know what we call that? Brand loyalty.

The next day, the Bubbas are extremely hungover, and it’s the moment of truth to see if Tom was able to hang onto his marriage certificate…. Again. He did lose it, and I gotta say, this is on Katie this time for trusting him with it again. 

Schwartz: Even without the piece of paper, we’re still legally married.
Katie: Actually that paper is like, the only thing that guarantees we are legally married.

Honestly guys, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Look at it this way: if you never get legally married, then you don’t have to deal with (or pay for) a divorce!

If you want more Vanderpump Rules content, check out our video with Kristen Doute from the Betches Instathon:

Images: runningdreamz / Twitter; Bravo

Lala Kent Is Feuding With Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix On Instagram

If you’re keeping up with Vanderpump Rules this season, you’ll know that we’re still stuck in the never-ending barrage of Brittany and Jax wedding content, but the real drama is going down outside of the show. In recent episodes, we’ve seen tensions start to brew between Tom Sandoval and Ariana and the rest of the cast, and things got real on Instagram over the weekend. I love when reality TV feuds come to life. In a recent Instagram Live, Lala Kent totally came for Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix, and this sh*t is officially getting serious.

In case you need a refresher, in the last few weeks of Pump Rules, Ariana has opened up about her mental health struggles, and on social media, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. On the show, she’s told some of her castmates about her suicidal ideations, and that she doesn’t always feel like the group is a safe space for her to be open about her feelings. It’s been a refreshingly honest, real storyline in a season full of princess parties and fake dates, and Ariana should definitely be commended for starting this important conversation.

But not everyone in the cast has been so supportive. In a recent interview with Entertainment Tonight, Tom Sandoval called out Lala specifically, saying, “It’s frustrating to see somebody like Lala, who’s like one second totally OK with people saying mean nasty things about Ariana that are completely not true and talking negatively about her and then sort of getting emotional and saying like, ‘This is a safe place.’ It’s like, girl you are not—you are apparently not a safe place.”

Damn. Tom is essentially accusing Lala of being a fake friend to Ariana, and going against her after encouraging her to be open and honest. This is a pretty serious accusation, but even just from what we’ve seen on the show, it doesn’t totally come out of nowhere. On last week’s episode, Lala was basically gossiping about Ariana’s mental health, just days after Ariana completely broke down when confiding in her and Stassi. Lala also called Ariana a “wet blanket” in the same episode, so yeah, I wouldn’t say she’s been the world’s most supportive friend.

Not shockingly, Lala was not so thrilled to hear Tom Sandoval’s comments, and she hopped on Instagram Live to address her feelings toward Tom and Ariana. “For them to sit there and act like it’s everyone else’s fault—y’all are not the safe space.” Here’s a clip from the video, where she talks about the pain of losing her dad, and says that she’s not afraid to pop off this season (you knew she couldn’t get mad at anybody without using the phrase “pop off”), even though she’s sober now. Clearly, Tom Sandoval is tryna get popped, and Lala is happy to oblige.

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Lala isn't happy with Ariana and Tom but still loves them. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ #vanderpumprules #vpr #pumprules #lalakent #imsorryfofty #moneybymonday #lisavanderpump #arianamadix #tomsandoval

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In the full Instagram Live, she continued, saying that when her dad died, Tom and Ariana both told her to “toughen the f*ck up,” and that she feels like he’s just “feeling unsafe in your own skin and you’re projecting it onto me. I’ll be damned if someone doesn’t feel safe around me.”

She continued, sticking up for herself as a friend, and basically saying that Tom and Ariana haven’t done enough to help her in the past: “I don’t want to be struggling, drowning, for you to, like, wake the f*ck up to see if I’m good. So, there’s my spill on Tom and Ariana. I am a f*cking safe place. I’m a good ass friend.” The irony of Lala not wanting to be drowning for her friends to check on her, when Ariana had to explicitly tell her that she was so depressed for Lala to stop calling her a buzzkill is too much.

In his comments to ET, Tom had said that Lala’s previous comments about him and Ariana hurt his feelings. In response, Lala finished off her Live by giving Tom a taste of his own (alleged) medicine: “How about this? Toughen the f*ck up. I’m leavin’ it at that, y’all.” OOF.

To be honest, I’m not really sure whose side I’m supposed to be on here. Obviously, telling someone to “toughen the f*ck up” after they lose a parent is seriously not okay, but that also doesn’t give Lala a free pass to make light of Ariana’s mental health situation. Really, I think the verdict here is that no one is in the right, which is pretty much par for the course when talking about the Vanderpump Rules cast. Like, I don’t watch the show because I think they’re all perfect angels—pretty much the opposite.

I don’t know how much, if any, of this budding feud will play out on camera for the rest of the season, but I hope we get to see more of the tensions between Lala and Tom/Ariana. The mental health stuff is tough to watch, but it’s certainly more interesting than seeing Brittany and Jax on a permanent power trip about their wedding week/month/year/decade. Remind me again why I still religiously watch this dumpster fire of a show?

Images: JNAM / Shutterstock; facereality16 / Instagram

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Stop 👏🏻 Talking 👏🏻 About 👏🏻 The 👏🏻 Book 👏🏻 Party

We’re back on the joint bachelor/bachelorette party from hell (just kidding, it doesn’t actually look that bad), and I for one really hope Bravo producers won’t drag this out for two more episodes like they tend to do with all the cast’s vacations. Like, a two-parter is enough, thanks. Dare I say, this could even be shown in one episode if we simply refrained from rehashing the same storyline 5-7 times? I think we start putting a 3-rehash limit.

Last week, Kristen egged Brittany on to getting upset about a non-issue at the club (“Don’t Do It Brittany”), Lala actually came through with logic and reason, and Jax and Schwartz lied about touching strippers.

This week kicks off at dinner, where Kristen is trying to pull her whole “woe is me” card, and Stassi and Katie are just not having it. Kristen brings up the fact that Schwartz was “f*cking around on Katie” for years, and Katie’s only response is to tell her to go f*ck herself because comparing the two is like “apples and oranges.” I mean, if the apples you’re buying at the grocery store are completely round, covered in a peel, and orange colored, then yeah, that metaphor holds up.

My thing about Kristen is that she just loves to stir sh*t up, and the second it gets too heated, she pulls the “stop making this about you, let’s make this about Brittany” card. If you can’t take the heat, then don’t walk into the kitchen carrying an open flame to begin with. As they’re all leaving, Kristen tries to tell Katie (or Stassi, this is happening kinda off-camera so I can’t tell), “I know you guys didn’t wanna talk about this at the dinner table” and it’s like, then why did you bring it up and let the line of conversation continue? See what I mean? She can stir the sh*t but she can’t take it when it’s dished back to her.

Meanwhile, the boys are transforming themselves into old people. This is just as good, if not better, than the time they dressed in drag. Now all we need is for Sandoval to scream that Jax is a battered wife.

Ok, not gonna lie, Beau wheezing “my name is Luke…. And I love shoes” made me spit out my drink. New Hinge bio, acquired.

Back at SUR, we learn that Danica is managing SUR on Pride despite just graduating college like, 30 seconds ago. Okay, respect. She just graduated school and she is already set up with a good year of Instagram money? I can’t hate. What I can hate, though, is that Danica has got to be like, 22 and she looks like she’s my age. *Screams internally* Meanwhile, I’m still getting asked if I’m in high school. And I know what you’re about to say, and no, I do not CARE that my baby face and short stature MAY pay off when I’m 60. I don’t even think I’m making it to 60 with my current lifestyle! I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

In typical Lala fashion, she announces that everyone has to show Brittany her boobs at the strip club. That’s not usually the way it goes, but ok.

Ariana throwing ones in the air while yelling “I HAVE A MORTGAGEEEE!!!” is pretty much how I feel throwing money away on Seamless. But also, way to humble brag about being a homeowner in the strip club. I see you.

Katie tells Schwartz that Kristen is “cut” (from… the roster? Their friend group? It’s unclear) in a moment that I wish would rival Dorinda’s infamous “CLIP!” moment but falls short. Kristen, acting all smug in the confessional, tells Katie to grow the f*ck up. Which is hilarious, considering that Kristen is fully supporting a grown man-child with baby teeth simply because she’s too afraid to be by herself for 10 seconds… and also because in 45 seconds she will tell everyone to suck her cock.

Now Schwartz takes off his pants. Do these people know that you’re supposed to keep your clothes ON?? Leave the stripping to the professionals!

Katie brings up the Stassi event, and no. I’m f*cking tired. The event has passed, it went fine, I’ve moved on, the entire world has moved on, nobody on Earth gives a single sh*t, and I’d know because I did, in fact, survey every single human on Earth (most of them were like, “uhh, do I know you?”). Point is, I will not be recapping this for the umpteenth time. I REFUSE!

At TomTom now, I’m having major déjà vu because Lisa just went to SUR to talk to Danica about Pride, and just went to TomTom to talk to Max about Pride. Was any of this even necessary? Could we not have just tuned in next week to see who was managing without spending a good 10 minutes on Lisa separately telling the managers they were managing??!

Y’all: Say managing again.
Me: 

vanderpump rules season 8 episode 5 recap

Damn, James STILL hasn’t gotten his job back at SUR (when Lisa never even batted an eye at Jax’s coke-fueled rage fit two seasons ago), but the Toms are letting him DJ at TomTom. So, to answer everyone’s questions on where tf James has been all season, it looks like we will be seeing the White Kanye soon!

At SUR, Danica pulls Dayna aside to basically just get the tea on her relationship status with Max but disguise it as womanly concern. K. Danica tells Dayna that Max was seeing her friend Adriana, acting like they were in a relationship, and then he hooked up with her friend on her 30th birthday. Yikessss. Not gonna lie, when Danica first started talking about “her friend” who Max had f*cked over, I totally thought she was talking about Scheana. Lol.

After the strip club in Miami, everyone is wasted and Jax and Kristen are still drinking. Going off everything I know about those two, that seems like a bad idea. Kristen is mad that everyone else has a “perfect life” (at least I think, it’s hard to decipher the slurring), and says “suck my f*cking cock.” I’m beginning to think this is Kristen’s only insult that she has on hand…

And, I’m going to throw myself into the nearest body of water because Sandoval, Schwartz and Ariana are back on the book party train. Sandoval does something pretty f*cking dumb and lets Schwartz know that they technically broke a law by serving alcohol without any food at the event. Yeah, great thing to do on camera. On your national TV show. Better pray the state liquor board doesn’t watch Vanderpump Rules. 

I love watching the Toms argue in full old people prosthetic makeup. Sandoval is going into a full-on rage, screaming in Schwartz’s face about how their “literal f*cking business is literally on the line.” Can somebody please tell Sandoval that it is never that serious? And if the business is in fact on the line, it’s only because his dumb ass just admitted ON CAMERA to breaking a law/rule/ordinance. Let’s bring his superiority boner down to a half-chub.

Omg wow, in a plot twist I didn’t see coming, Sandoval actually apologizes and tells Schwartz he’s 100% right. Somebody go check on hell to make sure it hasn’t frozen over. NOW can we never f*cking bring this up again? Please, I’m begging you. 

The next morning, the hangovers are palpable. I can feel them through the screen, and my head hurts.  Kristen has by far the worst hangover, though, because she’s got a fierce emotional hangover. She says that Katie “basically disowned” her, which seems both harsh and inaccurate. She’s not your mom, does she even have the capacity to disown you? Again I ask: Is it even that serious??

The next day, the group splits their time between the pool and the beach. As the guys are debating whether or not they’re drinking, a ten gallon fishbowl of rosé gets brought to their table. Aka me every single Sunday when I’m “only having one drink” because I “have to be home by 6pm” to “recap the Grammys/Oscars/Golden Globes/live tweet the Super Bowl”. What a trying life I lead.

Kristen is talking about her fight with Stassi and Katie and says “I would lay down in traffic for them, I would take a bullet for them, and I don’t feel that that’s reciprocated.” LISTEN, if you’re my friend, I would 100% offer to murder whatever f*ckboy du jour has screwed you over, but I’m not sacrificing my own ass. I’m not ride or die, but I am ride or kill.

Max and Dayna are hanging out, and Dayna tells him about the Adriana rumors. As Dayna even begins to formulate the name Adriana, Max immediately rolls his eyes and you can tell his expression is like, “ugh, not this sh*t again.”

eye roll

Max’s defense is… that nothing ever happened? That he can kick Adriana and her friends out of TomTom? Oooo taken right from the Sandoval playbook! The bootleg apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, I guess.

But Dayna, don’t tell me you’re going to take this blatant, no-effort gaslighting! He didn’t even provide you with a plausible explanation! I know you’re smarter than this. 

Later at SUR, Danica shows up and Dayna is there, so naturally Dayna does what you do when you see the girl you hate: tells her she looks sexy and she should always dress that way. Then in some two-bit Regina George bullsh*t, she thanks Danica for telling her about the sh*t with Max and ultimately says “but I talked to him and we’re good.”

Danica: 

waka flocka ok

As a woman, I’ve got to say that I’ve never once uttered the phrase “woman to woman”. And I feel like anytime that phrase is uttered, it’s never meant out of the goodness of someone’s heart. It’s kinda like starting a sentence with “I love you, but…” or “no offense, but…” I’ve seen Mean Girls, I know how this sh*t works.

Back in Miami, Kristen and Stassi start having a talk and she’s doing her whole “I know my whole ‘breakup’ doesn’t ‘work for you’ and it doesn’t ‘look the way you want it to’” and it’s like girl, give it up. That is not what this is about! The problem is not that your “breakup” doesn’t “look the way” your friends “want it to”; the problem is that your “breakup” is not “real”! It never really happened! For all intents and purposes, you are still with Carter, but still want to be able to get an endless supply of sympathy and “poor Kristens” from your friends. Pick a lane, because it doesn’t work that way.

Aww, Stassi telling Kristen that she loves her and is always gonna be your friend was… actually kind of cute. Have I gone soft? I think I have. I really can’t believe I am siding with Stassi or (*shudders*) Katie on anything. But I think we all have had a friend like Kristen at one point (or have been the Kristen) and at a certain point it’s like, enough is enough. Be with Kyle, don’t be with him, but just commit to one choice and be HAPPY WITH IT, FOR GOD’S SAKE, JESSICA!!!

Oh sorry for a second I forgot this isn’t my therapy appointment.

And with that, we’ve reached the end of the bachelor/ette party. I find it hilarious that for all two episodes we got about Brittany’s bachelorette party, we barely saw Brittany at all. 

Next week brings Pride and the triumphant return of James Kennedy. I can’t wait for me to immediately backtrack on every favorable thought I’ve had towards him when he calls Raquel a bitch or whatever heinous sh*t he said in the episode preview. Oh boy!

Images: Giphy

8 ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Moments That Aren’t Talked About Enough

As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.

 8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress

Scheana Wedding

Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:

7. Story Time With Lala

Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”

6. Ariana, Feminist Hero

Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.

5. The Number One Guy In This Group

There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.

4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations

Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.

3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show

Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.

2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience

When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.

Actual footage of me watching this episode:

1. The Montages

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easily the best clip on tv 😩 whoever edited this…we’re besties in my head. #vanderpumprules

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The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.

Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!

Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram

Our Predictions For ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 8

Do you love Bravo? Of course you do, you’re reading this article. We just launched @bravobybetches, your new favorite account for Bravo memes, gossip, and behind-the-scenes sh*t. Follow @bravobybetches now!

Somebody tell Santa that he can cancel Christmas, because I’ve already gotten the perfect gift. Bravo just announced that Vanderpump Rules season 8 is scheduled to premiere on January 7, 2020 and I can’t imagine a better way to ring in a new decade than with an extra 10 pounds on my waistline and a middle-aged wait staff struggling to remember if they cheated on each other on my TV screen. And Bravo dropped the trailer on Friday! Andy Cohen, you’re too good to me. Based on what we know, it looks like this is going to be (to borrow a phrase from real life angel, Chris Harrison) the most dramatic season EVER. And I’m not basing this solely on the trailer—oh no, there has been sh*t going down during this off-season. We’re talking social media unfollows, vaguely negative comments, and people not showing up at parties. This is LEGIT. So, I’m going to gather up all this evidence, call myself Veronica Mars, and piece this season together for you.

The Witches Of WeHo Break Up

Rumors have been brewing (get it, because they’re witches? Sorry, I hate myself too) that Katie, Kristen, and Stassi have been having problems lately. Back in October, Stassi confirmed those rumors on her podcast by saying, “If taking a break from someone is a b*tch move and makes me nasty, then I don’t give a f*ck.” Wow. Way to sound like a passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend airing her grievances on Facebook, Stassi. Kristen also confirmed that they had a falling out, saying she doesn’t really know why it happened (classic Kristen, she was probably blacked out during the fight). Whatever happened, Kristen, I bet a hundred bucks you were chain smoking and calling someone the c-word when it went down! 

In the trailer, we see a very brief snippet of a fight between the women. In it, Katie says that Kristen is being obnoxious. Fair. Kristen says Katie is being a b*tch. Also fair. To be honest, with personalities like that, it’s a miracle any of these people ever have friends.

It looks like some of the cast could be patching things up, though, because Brittany just posted an Insta story of a bunch of them on their way to the People’s Choice Awards, and Kristen was there.

VPR cast

It seems like Stassi may be the last holdout, because she wasn’t with them last night (she was in New York), and she hasn’t posted a picture with Kristen since July.

 

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It’s the f*cking California Wine (Mixer) Festival!

A post shared by Stassi Schroeder (@stassischroeder) on

And is it just me or does that picture appear coerced for the sake of their wine business? Which leads me to my most important question, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WINE? I need answers, Andy. Mediocre Pinot Grigio is at stake!

Jax And Sandoval Are Also Feuding

Back in August, E! News reported that Jax unfollowed a number of his co-stars, including Sandoval, Ariana, Kristen, and Scheana. This must have happened after his wedding to Brittany, because the Toms were co-best men at the event. So what is up between the old (very old, Jax is 40! Don’t think I’d forget to bring that up) friends? 

In the trailer, we see a fight between the two men, with Sandoval screaming, asking if Jax even knows him at all. He’s near tears, with nary a dog in sight to dry them. It’s rough.

sandoval dog tears

According to, once again, E! News, the fight was over Lance Bass (!!!!) officiating Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Apparently Tom and Ariana claimed Jax only picked Lance because he is a celebrity, and for some reason are taking issue with that. Well, first of all, who wouldn’t want a celebrity officiating their wedding? Second of all,  it’s 2019, not 2001, so I think that the word “celebrity” is a little generous for Lance Bass. And third of all, let’s not act like you all aren’t after fame, mmkay. I say they rip off their chunky cardigans, fight it out in a parking lot, and move on. 

The New People Bring The Cheating Drama

Since a lot of our OGs are pretty solidly coupled up (except Kristen *insert evil laugh*), it’s up to the new cast members to bring the cheating drama. Based on the preview, it looks like Dayna has drama with Max. He says he’s interested in her, but she seems to think he is exclusively dating someone else. Later in the preview, Max accuses Brett of having feelings for Dayna. Am I getting these people right? If I’m mixing them up, my apologies, but also can Bravo apologize for casting two dudes that look identical? It makes me thankful for the days of Sandoval’s Flock of Seagulls hairdo, because at least he couldn’t be confused with anyone except a time traveler from 1982. 

I attempted to do some Instagram digging for you all and get some answers, but Brett exclusively posts pictures of himself in varying states of undress, and Dayna and Max appear to have kept their love lives off the platform. Gotta stay tight-lipped about those storylines to get a contract renewal, I guess! 

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Follow your frickin dreams betch || #basicbetch #fakegucci #hotgirlssummer #notLA #wegotthattwang #corndogs #imsoLA #brettisLAtoo

A post shared by Max Boyens 🤙🏽 (@issamaximillian) on

^^Max and Brett together, so I guess they’re not actually the same person

Scheana Continues To Try To Be The Bachelorette

People write in asking Reality Steve if Scheana is going to be the Bachelorette as often as I tell myself “the diet starts tomorrow.” His answer is always a variation on “Hell no, I just snorted Sprite out of my nostrils in response,” but that’s not for lack of trying. Last season we saw Scheana attempt to recreate her Bachelorette fantasy with human Ken doll Robbie Hayes, which had about as much chemistry as a dog on a date with a lamp. And back in September, Bustle reported that she was getting cozy with DeMario Jackson, although they are both claiming they’re just friends.

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Boo 👻

A post shared by Scheana (@scheana) on

Stop trying to make The Bachelorette happen, Scheana, it’s never going to happen! What I don’t understand is that she’s on a reality show now that she gets to be on EVERY season. Why does she desperately want to be on a show with an expiration date? Although, she was basically non-existent in this trailer, so perhaps it is time for her to look for another job…

There Are Way Too Many People On This Show

Okay, so this is less of a prediction and more of a fact, but I feel like Vanderpump Rules season 8 is truly a challenge to the show’s video editors, to see how many people they can squeeze into one credit sequence. So many cast members and yet still no Peter. When will he get his due? Justice for Peter!!

And that’s what’s going to happen on Season 8 based on the trailer, social media, and gossip! You’re welcome for my hard work, and I think we can all agree that if there’s one thing we know for SURE about this upcoming season, it’s that Brittany is my spirit animal.

Can’t wait for January!

Images: Giphy (2); issamaximillian, scheana/Instagram; Bravo

What We Know About The 3 New ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Cast Members

I know I complain a lot about how much time The Bachelor takes up in my sad little life, but the one show I would never dare speak ill of is Vanderpump Rules. There’s just something so comforting about watching borderline sociopaths lie to their friends and family without emotion or remorse. It’s like mozzarella sticks for the soul. And just as I was starting to really miss my precious garbage angels, they popped right up to give me that sweet, deep-fried, cheesy fix. This week, the cast members got together to film the opening credits for season 8. Now, while I care about my OGs very much, I’ve seen enough pictures of Jax and Brittany’s wedding to last me a lifetime, so it’s time to take a gander at the fresh blood. Let’s stalk the Vanderpump Rules newbies.

Max Boyens

According to US Weekly, the place I got to for all my C-list celebrity news and the occasional legging recommendation, Max is the general manager of TomTom. Which sounds like a sweet gig in theory, but having to follow the insane whims of a man rocking a Flock of Seagulls haircut day after day must be a tough pill to swallow. So, I’m already proud of you, Max. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

US Weekly also reported that Max was briefly linked to Scheana, which I assume means that he went over to her apartment one time, ate a handful of pretzels, and now she’s filed the paperwork needed to acquire a marriage certificate.

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I call this new look “Hollywood Hotdog” || #hotdog #mustard #notavegan #lovesgointowarwick #neverpaysthebill #rippedjeansaretightdude #unamas #mustard #hollywoodhotdog #dontbeahotdog #imsoLA

A post shared by Max Boyens 🤙🏽 (@issamaximillian) on

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s make some broad assumptions based on his Instagram! It appears that Max likes karaoke, is from San Diego, has style that Sandoval approves of, has a cocktail company he’s looking to promote, and is way too wordy for a man whose career is clearly based on his looks. I hate him already. I can’t wait. 

Dayna Kathan

Dayna appears to be a SUR employee, which must be nice for Lisa because I’m pretty sure the others don’t actually work at the restaurant anymore, and those goat cheese balls aren’t going to serve themselves!

Apparently we’ve already seen Dayna on VPR, because Celebrity Insider reports she was one of the women in the hotel room at the Mondrian when Jax FaceTimed Brittany. According to the article, she will be bringing drama to their relationship, and fingers crossed it happens quickly, because I have $100 that says their marriage only lasts 125 days and I’m looking to cash in. Mama needs some new shoes! (Kidding, I really need some dinner that’s not 99-cent ramen noodles). 

Based on the T-shirt she over-wears, Dayna is a Beyoncé fan, which is not surprising because she is a human woman with ears. She also appears to be a comedian, which I’m surprised Ariana is okay with since she takes sketch comedy VERY seriously. I don’t expect Dayna to last long on Vanderpump Rules, but I hope she has fun. 

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thirsty. poser. wannabe. people will always have their opinions about you. all you can do is roll the dice from time to time and know you stayed authentic to yourself. this summer has been interesting to say the least but i wouldn’t change a f*cking thing. 🖤

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Brett Caprioni

And finally we have reached Brett Caprioni, the most horrifying fairest one of all. He works at SUR, but I’m more interested in the fact that he’s a YouTuber, which explains why I have no idea who he is since I spend my weekends shaking my cane at teenagers and hollering things like “back when I was a kid we had RESPECT!” from a safe distance. I took a look at his page, and he seems to be very into eating healthy and working out, which explains his hot bod and why Jax will most likely attempt to destroy him this season. Just a guess! 

I’m also taking an educated guess that he has had lip fillers (that baby picture he posted has no lips to be found—sorry baby Brett, you were still cute), and I’m also guessing that he makes people call him “BrettCap” in full, every time they talk to him, and if they don’t he spits in their drink. He just gives off that vibe, ya know? Plus he’s from Jersey and we do that sh*t. Maybe I will like him, after all. 

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Go peep my newest YT video if you haven’t yet 😎

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And that’s what we have to look forward to this season on Vanderpump Rules. I can’t wait to watch even more beautiful people in dysfunctional relationships drink to excess! 

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy, issamaximillian, dadadayns, brettcap / Instagram