We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?
Jack-O-Lantern
It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?
Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback!
Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage.
This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?
Longing Looks At the Water: 2
In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year.
Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019
All The Tense Coffee Dates
Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on.
Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog.
Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now
The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.
Who Is This Theme Party For?
Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”
While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON.
Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack.
Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing.
Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over.
No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though.
Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies.
Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’
Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water.
Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart.
Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad!
Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?
Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH.
Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool
Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up.
She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears.
She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father.
Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End
What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated.
Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it.
THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back.
Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly, could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week!
Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter
Going into this season of Big Little Lies kind of feels like going on a second date or grabbing the last slice of pizza: you’re excited, but also scared. What if it’s bad? What if it gives you a stomach ache? As a BLL purist, I personally thought that the first (and, at first, allegedly only) season was perfect and was initially against talk of making another season—but all someone has to do is say “Meryl Streep” and I appear on my couch at 9pm, pinot noir in hand, ready for whatever may happen next.
^Reese to me after reading this recap.
We’re back with the Monterey Five, and no, that’s not the name of a horse in the Kentucky Derby—it’s the unofficial nickname of all the main ladies after the scandal. In case you forgot, the first season was gorgeous and perfect and was all about these rich moms who ended up killing one of their husbands because he was an abusive piece of sh*t. And that’s what you missed on Glee.
Let’s go into this with a breakdown of what each character did—or more likely, what type of wine each character drank while staring into the beach. Andy Cohen, are you a secret producer on this? I’m pretty sure 45% of this script is “look longingly and think about how now you have to go against Game of Thrones in the Best Actress category now that you’re no longer a limited series.” The horror.
A more in-depth breakdown is below, but some general observations on this premiere that don’t really matter, but mattered to me:
A musical moment happened at an assembly (maybe this really is Glee) and some girl I 100% forgot about named Tori got a boob job. Happy for her. My favorite moment of this episode was her talking to Adam Scott’s character (Madeline’s husband whose name truly doesn’t matter) in the grocery story surrounded by melons. GET IT? I feel like the writers were like hmm, should we have his character cheat on Madeline as payback? But then realized that he’s just a quiet dork and moved on. Also, does anyone actually use the car speakerphone option besides these five women?
I decided to breakdown this premiere episode by character, because the last time this show was on the air, I could still fit into my skinny jeans (well, fit is a subjective word, but they got above my knees at least). Seriously, only HBO has the confidence to drop a new season of a show two years later and be like: wait, you don’t remember this side character who had one line in episode four? Weird. So let’s check in on the Real Fake Housewives of Monterey.
Madeline
The queen bee is BACK and her daughter Chloe is still cool AF. Like, I can’t wait for her character to just pick up and move to Brooklyn for high school. It turns out me and Madeline have a lot in common because we both like to double fist cupcakes, get annoyed when someone expects us to do work at work, and are kind of a bitch.
I guess she’s traded in directing community plays for being a realtor—but I was kind of disappointed that the only major drama she deals with this episode is that her kid no longer wants to go to college. Girl, you’re ahead of the curve—all I gained from college was a slow metabolism and ten guys named Chad’s number who I’ll never text. What’s worse: your kid not going to college or your kid saying “I want to work at a start-up”? Sidenote: Reese Witherspoon needs to write the TV movie about the college admissions scandal cause she has the finger on this pulse. Felicity, you’re cool with that, right?
Celeste
YES HER THERAPIST IS BACK but still only half-lit on a chair that looks like it was clearance at Pier One Imports. These were personally my favorite scenes of Celeste’s last season… well, besides that one where she was just sitting on a balcony drinking Smartwater. Her character is having nightmares and may be spiraling, which is fair since she’s trying to cope with the complexity of the loss of her abusive husband. I already can’t wait for her to cave and tell her therapist about what really happened just to watch Reese Witherspoon flip out and scream Withherglassofsauvblanc. Apparently she’s also giving Jane some checks that she’s not cashing from his estate. In case you forgot, Jane’s first season storyline was focused a lot on her trying to find the man who raped her (and try to maybe kill him), and that person turned out to be Celeste’s husband.
Jane
Bangs happened, and they happened hard. I guess since Shailene makes her own toothpaste, she also does her own haircuts. Uh-oh, she’s working at an aquarium now, which I’m certain was a demand from Shailene ’cause she loves the environment (I mean, same girl). Hats off to HBO for having her give us a fact about an octopus to serve as a metaphor for the show. Ladies kill. The prettier something is, the more dangerous—which is why no one ever crosses the street when they see me. I’m the definition of harmless. Watching her dance on the beach in a Patagonia made me very happy I’m not a beach person, and also very happy that I live in New York. I dare someone to dance while jogging down the street and not get spit on or have a pigeon poop on them.
Please PLEASE tell me her coworker isn’t 17 cause they’re 2000% going to f*ck. Or maybe not because he just went up to her and asked if she was on the spectrum? I’m going to say 33% of the scenes this first episode were as necessary as the 7th shot of tequila I had Friday night.
The weirdest thing is Jane now asking if Celeste hates her for sleeping with her husband (when he assaulted her) and also drawing Taylor Swift Reputation-era fan art about him, which looks like it will bode on an insane obsession to come. This just confirms my theory never to trust a girl with #BluntBangs. Prove me wrong.
Bonnie
Apparently a yoga retreat changed her, and potentially not for the better. This is why you don’t go to Tahoe—especially because you get bitter that the group chat carried on without you, and now has a new inside joke as the name. As Madeline says, there’s some sh*t that you can’t just put on Gmail. Like the details of your one night stand or thoughts about the murder you all committed. Her character is getting all the flashbacks from the murder, which makes sense because she’s the one who actually pushed him. Not much has happened with her this episode, besides Bonnie being elusive and apparently installing the most annoying doorbell ever. Literally, all she did was just walk around and sigh, which made me confused: is this HBO or an old episode of The Hills when Lauren Conrad had to work aka send one e-mail? Let’s see if she ends up confessing to the police, or maybe Madeline will just pull a You and lock her in a chamber in her basement before she has the chance.
Renata
Laura Dern is still a national treasure and being The Most kind of mom. Her new kids’ teacher is very hot, so I’m personally starting a prayer circle for them to have a hookup session. Wait, now they’re making her have a photoshoot and sing, WHAT IS HAPPENING. As much as I #FeelTheDern, her singing with a bright flashy blazer served me a mix of the Sex and the City 2 karaoke scene and a drag show I saw last week. Kind of into it, though. While she’s doing that, her husband apparently nursed a drinking problem and a toy train collection. Something tells me he’ll be the next husband all these women go after.
MERYL!!
Wig. For being a gay icon, the wardrobe department really did her dirty. But moment of silence for having her on TV. Seriously, we all deserve some Streep on our TV screens after the awful mess that was the final season of Game of Thrones.
She’s serving Mrs. Doubtfire energy, but I do love how this character gives a nice breath of fresh air in this world. Bringing her into the mix gives the series more layers besides people just shouting their children’s IQ. And by layers, I mean insane layers of her character screaming and crying while at dinner and also the insane layers of her wig. Sorry, I’m still not over it.
Best quote? “I don’t mean that in a negative way, maybe I do.” RIVALED ONLY BY “who are we planning to kill?” Wait, is my Summer 2019 energy Meryl Streep being a bitch? I don’t hate it for myself.
Overall, this first episode was kind of slow, but I am excited to see where this goes. I also am obsessed with the sparring match of Meryl vs. Reese. Honestly, with the talent of this cast they all could just be reading my past Seamless orders out loud and it would still be interesting (and not only because I can go off with my selection of side sauces).
Images: HBO; Giphy (6)
This Sunday marks the return of Big Little Lies, and I haven’t been more excited for a TV show since…maybe ever? Sorry Game of Thrones fans, but I never got on that bandwagon. It’s been two years since we last got a glimpse into the lives of the ladies of Monterey, and I’m sure there will be plenty more drama on season two.
Until then, let’s have a little fun and imagine what the ladies of Big Little Lies might put in their Ship bios. If nothing else, we know they’d all have a ~killer~ crew to find matches for them.
Renata
Boss lady who doesn’t take no for an answer. I wear the pants in the relationship, but lately I’m in the mood to let my hair down a little bit. My daughter Amabella will always be my #1, but maybe you can be #2. If you’re not looking for something serious, step aside, because I take everything seriously.
Celeste
Widow who’s ready to find the right guy for her and her twin boys. I’ve been hurt in the past, but now I’m taking my happiness into my own hands. Looking for someone for quiet moments on the deck, great dinner parties with friends, and most of all, genuine warmth and kindness. Just be prepared to deal with my mother-in-law.
Madeline
One part showtunes, one part classic rock. Always up for coffee and gossip, so be careful with your secrets around me. That could be a strength or a weakness, up to you to figure it out. Oh, and if your last name doesn’t start with M, don’t bother. I’ve gotten too far in life to mess up my monogram now. I always know what I want, and I almost always get it.
Jane
Life is always unexpected, but there’s nothing good music and a long run on the beach can’t make better. I’ve lived here for a while now, but sometimes I still feel like the new girl in town. My little man and I are a package deal, so if that doesn’t work for you, don’t waste my time.
Bonnie
Life is too short to be stressed. Always in search of balance, purpose, and the best kombucha. I spend much of my time outside, because Mother Nature has blessed us with too many gifts to let them go to waste. If you don’t compost, we probably aren’t a good fit. If we match, message me with your favorite yoga pose, and maybe I’ll tell you mine.
Sadly, we have to wait a few more days to find out what happens on the new season of Big Little Lies, but you can download Ship right now and start putting your crew together. You probably haven’t committed murder together, but you still know all their secrets. If the ladies of Monterey can find happiness, what are you waiting for? Brb, going to go rewatch all of season 1 to make sure I didn’t forget anything important.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
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I used to believe Us Weekly when they tried to convince me stars were “just like us.” I mean, can you blame me? How can you look at a photo of Matthew McConaughey pushing a shopping cart and think otherwise? Needless to say, I was wrong, and I wasn’t considering the fact that celebrities have homes on islands that can’t be located on a map. Like, these people do cocaine to prepare for award shows and they’ve never swiped a debit card in their lives. They’re extra. I recently enjoyed investigating/shit-talking strange things celebs do to stay healthy, and I’ve decided to dig even deeper into their bizarre diets. After doing some research, here are the diets worth talking about.
1. Reese Witherspoon’s Baby Food
Something about the image of a 41-year-old woman waking up in her Santa Monica mansion and downing a jar of baby food for breakfast is just disturbing to me. In a world where you can literally hire a Michelin star chef to cook you gourmet healthy meals, you decide to crack open a jar of Gerber sweet potato mush meant for a 6-month-old. Honestly, I understand Reese is technically eating fruits and vegetables all day, but I really DGAF about how many nutrients are in these jars. You’re an adult. Stop eating baby food and eat some food meant for grown-ups. Or like, just buy a Vitamix if you’re that committed to eating blended produce.
2. Megan Fox’s Vinegar Shots
We knew Megan Fox was a betch ever since she bitched out MK & Ashley in Holiday in The Sun, and her lifestyle choices since 2001 have only confirmed our convictions. Megan Fox has admitted that she literally hates dieting and exercising, so she basically eats whatever she wants and then goes on some extreme cleanse right before she has to look good for a movie. One psycho cleanse she loves is the vinegar diet, where she practically starves herself and takes shots of vinegar to flush water weight out of her body and cleanse her entire system, whatever that means. There’s no way this shit was cleared by her doctor.
3. Beyoncé’s ‘Dreamgirls’ Master Cleanse
Before Bey and Jay started cooking vegan spaghetti for dinner, Bey was a crazy dieter, and she did this insane master cleanse diet back in the day to drop 20 pounds for Dreamgirls. Aside from liquid shakes and soups, Beyoncé literally only drank this cleanse drink, which is a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. No solid food for 14 days. Personally, I’d die. Wouldn’t everyone? I guess that’s what differentiates the normal human from Queen B. Also like, her 50 Grammys and $350 billion net worth, but whatever.
4. Adriana Lima’s Protein Shakes
It’s not exactly breaking news that Victoria’s Secret models starve themselves before the fashion show, but Adriana Lima’s protein shake diet just confirms that fact, so please stop showing us videos of these girls boxing with a fake trainer in an XXS sports bra. Adriana admits that for a couple weeks leading up to the show, she cuts out all carbs and relies on protein shakes to survive. Oh, she also works out for two hours a day. I mean, I felt lightheaded just typing that. How is this girl still standing? Can we just hope she eats some bread after the show is over like Gigi claims to do? I’m concerned.
5. Amanda Seyfried’s Raw Food Phase
I used to wonder how Amanda Seyfried looked like she was glowing at all times, and I guess it’s because she was eating raw celery everyday. Suddenly I’m not as jealous. A few years back, Amanda Seyfried ate an all-raw diet, which is exactly what it sounds like. She ate raw vegetables, nuts, and seeds. I seriously wouldn’t even feed that shit to a bird. Like, she now admits that it was intense and awful, but seriously, what kind of results are worth that pain? I’m gagging just thinking about snacking on raw spinach. Can someone please pass me an Oreo before I vom?
6. Shailene Woodley’s Clay Habit
Remember when you were little and your mom would yell at you for eating Play-Doh? It turns out this bullshit is now being encouraged as a “detoxification” method. Shailene Woodley straight-up eats clay, and she actually swears by it. Apparently clay helps build your immune system, balances your pH levels, and helps your body fight off diseases. I’m sorry, but don’t Flintstones vitamins do the same thing?? This diet hack sounds like something your Pledge Master made you do and swear to never talk about again. This Hollywood alternative nutrition shit has officially gone too far.
Caution: spoilers ahead.
The season finale of Big Little Lies left us all with endless questions. What’s going to happen to Celeste and her kids? Will Madeline leave Ed? Is someone going to jail? Is it possible for a man to look like Alexander Skarsgard and not be absolute garbage? Most importantly, will there be a season two?
Because the show was adapted from a book, we thought we knew the answer to that last question: no. The novel ends with Perry’s death and some other bits of character development like Bonnie’s backstory, but that seems to be about it. Devastating right? Like almost as tragic as naming your daughter Amabella.
But wait! It turns out that people were so obsessed with watching the sordid and tortured lives of these rich white women (who would have guessed?) that the HBO producers and original writer, Liane Moriarty, are considering continuing the story beyond the ending of the book. There’s plenty of material to work with there, but just in case Moriarty is out of ideas we’ve brainstormed a few new plot lines to explore.
Will Celeste ever get closure? Considering the fact that her horrifically abusive/criminally attractive husband just got murdered by a 90 lb. yogi, it seems like that therapist would play a much bigger role in season two. Is her son doomed to the same violent fate as his father?
Wow about the fact that we went a whole season and never addressed that Ed spent most of his free time eye-fucking his teenage step daughter. I’d love some development there, HBO.
Will Chloe achieve her dreams of owning a record label before she graduates first grade? I’d put money on it.
Probably most pressing: at what point will every husband in this show just stop being the fucking worst? How many of them have to die at Montessori school events before they get the hint that they are on thin ice? In fact, can a plague just hit Monterrey that kills every single man except Ziggy? Imagine how exciting the next charity gala would be if we didn’t have to pretend to enjoy a bunch of shitty Elvis costumes.
Once the show starts racking in Emmy’s and Golden Globes, a season two seems inevitable. At least we’ll get to watch Alexander Skarsgard on award show red carpets before he hides away in Sweden, waiting for the next casting call for a Nordic God who mistreats women.
From Sex and the City to Girls to Game of Thrones, I honestly didn’t think HBO could get any better, especially when it comes to girl power television. Well I was wrong. And you better screenshot that shit because I will never admit it ever again. The only reason I’m saying it now is because Big Little Lies might be the best ever. That’s right, GOT freaks and SJP worshippers. I fucking said it. It’s like Real Housewives of NorCal meets Girl on the Train murder mystery starring the world’s betchiest cast (minus that nice girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager).
Lucky for us, HBO decided to revive this excellent miniseries for a second season, and we’re only a month away from the premiere. Here’s a ranking of the Big Little Lies characters in order of betchiness. Oh, and obviously Meryl Streep will land somewhere near the top once we see her on season 2. Can’t. F*cking. Wait.
10. Perry
Was he hot af? Yes. But did he beat the living shit out of Nicole Kidman and rape Shailene Woodley? Also yes. So like, sorry Eric Northman, but you can’t sit with us. You can try Sears the White House.
9. Jane
I’m probs gonna get some heat for this because everyone fucking loved Jane because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom who moved to Monterey and is like, poor and shit. I can respect that. But she always looked terrible and followed Madeline around like a sad rescue puppy in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Plus, I can’t get over the fact that it’s Amy Juergens.
8. Nathan
Is it just me or was Nathan the fucking worst? He’s like that frat bro in college that ends things because he thinks you’re too clingy since you left a sock at his place, then six months later proposes to your grandlittle. Fucking prick. Not to mention, no one is mean to Reese Witherspoon without consequences. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
7. Ed
Ed is an extremely lovable person, like the only one on the whole show, but he’s a typical nice guy who gets steamrolled by everyone. His wife, his wife’s ex, the dude his wife screws on the side, his step daughter, his cool 6-year-old. Literally everyone. And being a little bitch is so not betchy.
6. Renata
Renata is the worst, but she’s a fucking badass. She’s the CEO of a company, on the board of Pay Pal and is the only person in the whole town of Monterey that doesn’t do whatever the fuck Madeline tells her to. She also somehow manages to pick her daughter up from school at like 2:30 on a daily basis despite having what sounds like an exceedingly high powered job. Renata, she does it all. Also, she ends up being part of the mom Plastics at the end, so like, we’ll forgive her for the first five episodes when she sucked.
5. Celeste
A lot of you probs thought Celeste would be at the top of the list, but nah. Being the prettiest, skinniest, richest of all the moms helps, but it’s not everything. Like pretty much everyone else, she’s a follower and does whatever Madeline says. She also somehow is delusional enough to not realize her husband is a cheater that also beats the shit out of every woman he sleeps with.
4. Chloe
I didn’t want to include kids in this because there’s like a million on this show and who really cares, but Chloe is a future betch in the making who deserves recognition on our list. She has fire taste in music instead of Kids Bop or whatever the kids listen to these days, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not from her teacher, not from Amabella, not from her prostitute sister, not from her crazy-ass parents. Nobody. She does what she wants, when she wants and that’s a betchy af quality for a 6-year-old.
3. Bonnie
Bonnie is a classic free-spirited hippie betch. She teaches yoga and is always chill and, while we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure she smokes a shit ton of weed because no one is that calm without smoking some dank shit. She def went to Burning Man a few times before she got married and had Sky and takes Abigail to Planned Parenthood. Because of the yoga, she’s got a killer bod. Bonus points for killing Perry because he had to go.
2. Celeste’s Therapist
Holy shit, what a bad betch. Unlike most TV therapists who just how ask how you feel about something and stare at you like a slice of Papa John’s, she actually fucking helps. She doesn’t care about ethics and other bullshit because she’s not about to sit there while Celeste gets murdered. She doesn’t give a fuck about the rules and we love it.
1. Madeline
Obvi. In a town with a bunch of really attractive, wealthy moms, Madeline has managed to take over as queen bee like a West Coast middle-aged Blair Waldorf. She has a band of minions who do whatever she says and all the men in town think she’s a raging bitch which we all know means that she’s a woman who gets what she fucking wants by any means necessary. She doesn’t take shit from people and threw up on her ex’s new hot wife, something we’ve all dreamed of. #goals
That’s all for new, but stay tuned for more Big Little Lies coverage when it comes back in June!
Unless you’ve been living your life off social media the past few weeks then there’s no way you missed people literally losing their minds over HBO’s Big Little Lies. And what’s not to love? Murder, decadence, and Alexander Skarsgård in all his DILF glory? Honestly, I’ve wasted hours of my life watched shows for less.
In case you’re a home-schooled jungle freak who doesn’t know what I’m talking about then let me break it down for you: this is a show about 5 rich friends who get away with murder until A decides to seek reveng—wait, fuck, that’s Pretty Little Liars. My B guys. Sorry, Big Little Lies is actually v different plot-wise, like out of this world different, huuugely different. Instead of five little liars this show focuses on the real housewives of Monterey, CA, who have way too much time and money on their hands. When they’re not busy starting cat fights over who gets to be the head betch in charge of car pool then they’re casually committing and covering murders. Hmm maybe I have heard this plot line before…
The final episode aired on Sunday and it will give you emotional whiplash. But you can stop trying to make season two happen because in an interview with Vulture executive producer and director of Big Little Lies, Jean-Marc Vallée, said: “No, no, this is the perfect ending. There is no way; there’s no reason to make a season 2. That was meant to be a one-time deal, and it’s finishing in a way where it’s for the audience to imagine what can happen.” So it’s a no from him.
And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh I think the real reason for there not being a second season has less to do with “the perfect ending” and more to do with Reese Witherspoon having better things to do with her life than be a slave to HBO viewers. Like winning murder trials based off the basic rules of hair care, or really anything else.
Sorry, betches. If you want to get inside the mind of a murderous housewife then you’ll just have to start talking to your mother again. Sighs.
