It’s been a long f*cking decade, and it’s safe to say there are probably a lot of pop culture moments you’ve forgotten about. I mean, there are plenty of pop culture moments just from 2019 that you forgot about. We’ve talked a lot about the end of the decade, from rounding up the most impressive celeb glowups to the least impressive fashion trends we all succumbed to, but this list might just be the most fun yet. There’s nothing better than a good celebrity scandal, so I put together the craziest ones you forgot about from this decade. There’s one for each year, so enjoy this nostalgic time with some batsh*t crazy celebs.

2010: Miley Cyrus’ Bong

9 Years ago the iconic video of Miley smoking salvia was leaked! Which was your reaction?! 💥 pic.twitter.com/686MhHVAT6

— Miley Cyrus Updates (@MileyUpdates) November 28, 2019

As we near 2020, it’s honestly insane that Miley Cyrus started this decade as a teenager who was still best known as Hannah Montana. In 2010, she began to change her reputation with Can’t Be Tamed, but she really turned heads when a video of her smoking a bong hit the internet. I can’t even believe this was a big deal, but I guess 2010 was a different time. While it turned out to only be salvia (lame), Christian mothers everywhere were horrified, but the rest of us finally realized Miley could hang.

2011: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child

Way before Ben Affleck had an affair with the nanny, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy doing even worse sh*t. In May of 2011, Arnold and Maria Shriver announced that they were separating after 25 years of marriage. The next week, news leaked that the separation was spurred by Maria finding out that he fathered a child with their housekeeper 14 years earlier. Arnold admitted it, but failed to mention that he only told Maria after she confronted him with the information. Not a good look, Arnold. The love child was born just DAYS apart from Arnold’s last child with Maria, making the whole thing even more gross.

2012: Halle Berry’s Exes’ Fight

Ah yes, this one is really deep from the pop culture vaults. On Thanksgiving of 2012, Halle Berry’s then-fiancé, Olivier Martinez, got into a fist fight with her ex, Gabriel Aubry, at her house. The fight likely had something to do with the custody battle over Halle and Gabriel’s daughter, whom Halle wanted to move to France full-time. The fight ended with Gabriel Aubry both hospitalized and arrested on battery charges, so I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t a happy Thanksgiving. After two years of marriage, Halle and Olivier got divorced in 2015, but at least she got him to fight for her while it lasted. The literal dream.

2013: Paula Deen’s Racism

I don’t know why we were all so surprised that an older white woman whose main personality trait is being from the south was  racist, but alas, this one hurt. After years of a successful Food Network show and other business ventures, Paula Deen’s cooking empire came crashing down when she admitted in court documents that she used the N-word in conversation. Yeah, hard yikes to that. She also apparently wrote that she wished her husband could “witness a real Southern plantation-style wedding, complete with waiters acting as slaves.” UMMMMM, yeah, what the f*ck?! She lost her book deal, TV show, and product lines, and she definitely deserved it.

2014: Solange & Jay-Z’s Elevator Fight

The fact that Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé still makes me viscerally upset, and apparently Bey’s sister Solange had the same reaction. After the 2014 Met Gala, security camera footage leaked of her kicking Jay in an elevator, and nothing has ever made me happier. Beyoncé later referenced the incident in one of her songs, saying that “of course sometimes sh*t goes down when it’s a billion dollars on the elevator.” A relatable scenario, for sure. We don’t technically know that the fight was about the cheating, and Jay said in an interview that “before and after, we’ve been cool,” but like, sure Jan. I’ve cut my siblings’ significant others off for like, buying them a sh*tty Christmas present; it’s not just gonna be “cool” if you cheat on my insanely beautiful, talented, brilliant sister who is the mother of your child.

2015: Rachel Dolezal

In a decade full of messy behavior, Rachel Dolezal might just be the messiest. She was a total nobody until, one day in 2015, her story went completely viral. Dolezal was serving as President of her local NAACP chapter when a small issue came up: she was telling everyone she was black, but that was a lie. Though she was born to white parents, instead of walking it all the way back and apologizing, Rachel maintained that she “self-identifies” as African American (not a thing), leading her to get fired from her jobs, and get clowned on the whole entire internet. In the years since, she’s changed her name to Nkeche, gotten charged with welfare fraud, and starred in a Netflix documentary that really just made her look worse and made her kids resent her. What a mess.

2016: Kim’s Paris Robbery

Whether you’re a Kardashian fan or not, there’s no denying that the Paris robbery was a really scary moment. While staying in Paris, Kim was robbed at gunpoint in her hotel room, where she was tied up and put in the bathtub. The thieves stole $10 million worth of jewelry, which is a good reminder to all of us that you shouldn’t travel with millions of dollars in jewelry. Kim like, basically doesn’t wear jewelry anymore because of this, and started being more careful about geotagging, so you could actually say this is one of the most influential moments of the decade. Just saying.

2017: Kendall’s Pepsi Ad

Remember when Kendall Jenner solved racism and inequality with one simple Pepsi commercial? Good times! I think everyone audibly gasped the first time they saw this commercial, which made light of a powerful social justice movement about police brutality and killing unarmed POC to shill soda. The reaction to the ad was swift and strong, and Pepsi pulled it almost immediately, but not before it went intensely viral. I’m sure someone (or several people) were fired over this, but I’m still not sure why anyone thought it was okay in the first place.

2018: Who Bit Beyoncé

the closest we ever came to world peace was when everyone just wanted to figure out who bit Beyoncé

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) December 27, 2019

I really hate to drag Beyoncé into this list again, but we can’t not talk about how weird this was. Last year, Tiffany Haddish randomly told a story about Jay-Z’s album release party, in which she said that a mystery “actress” was being extra and “bit Beyoncé in the face.” For the days that followed, the whole of society basically stopped, as everyone tried to figure out who the culprit could be. Ultimately, sleuths deduced that it was Sanaa Lathan, and Tiffany Haddish ultimately confirmed this conclusion. I still don’t know why this became a thing, but wow, what a time to be alive.

2019: Prince William Cheating

I really don’t feel like this got enough attention. Earlier this year, there were fairly credible rumors about Prince William cheating on Kate with one of her good friends, and we barely even talked about it! How is this not a bigger deal?? Probably because the royal family is getting ready to serve me with an injunction as we speak, but still. You probably don’t even remember the name Rose Cholmondeley, partly because it’s the longest, most confusing last name ever, but an alleged royal mistress (who was also Kate’s friend) deserves more attention! This alleged affair also sparked conspiracy theories that the whole “Meghan and Kate don’t get along” narrative is merely a cover-up for what’s really going on. Next season of The Crown is gonna be amazing.

The next decade will no doubt bring more dramatic af celebrity scandals. I’m just hoping, for the sake of content, that somebody will take one for the team (me) and pull another Tristan Thompson/Jordyn Woods.

Images: mileyupdates, betchesluvthis / Twitter; Giphy (8)

It’s no big secret that the entire college admissions system in the US is f*cked up. College in general is way too expensive, there’s a huge amount of inequality based on race and income (among other things), and high schoolers are under a crazy amount of stress to figure out what they’re doing with the rest of their lives. And now, we have concrete evidence that the whole thing sucks even worse than we thought, because 40 people, including some celebrities, have been indicted for their involvement in a major college admissions scam.

The whole story truly isn’t that surprising, mostly because I watched Gossip Girl, but it’s still pretty disappointing to know that this stuff actually happens in real life. The whole scam was orchestrated by a guy named William Rick Singer, who arranged for people to pay someone else to take the ACT or SAT for their kids. Allegedly, the test fraud went down for between $15,000 and $75,000 a pop, which is truly some Chuck Bass type sh*t. I am curious about the prices though. Like, does paying more get you a 2390 instead of a 2280 on the SAT? Perfect scores definitely come at a cost.

The two biggest stars who have been charged thus far are Felicity Huffman (from Desperate Housewives) and Lori Loughlin (from Full House). Huffman allegedly paid $15,000 for her oldest daughter’s test scores to be boosted, but what Lori Loughlin did is next level. In addition to all the stuff that went down with fraudulent test scores, she reportedly paid $500,000 for her two daughters to be designated as recruits for the USC rowing team, even though the girls didn’t even row. That made it way easier for them to get accepted, which is seriously f*cked. Because apparently it’s not enough to have a famous parent to get into a good school these days. I’m so glad I graduated already, this is f*cking bleak. Also, the people who did crew at my school had to wake up at like 5am every day, so I really hope these spoiled girls at least had to go to some of the practices. Probs not, though.

The FBI agent in charge of the investigation made the following public statement:“We believe everyone charged here today had a role in fostering a culture of corruption and greed that created an uneven playing field for students trying to get into these schools the right way through hard work, good grades and community service.” Wow, rich people being greedy and corrupt, can’t think of anyone who fits that persona! *cough Trump cough*

Overall, it’s believed that over $25 million was exchanged over the course of this whole operation, and the schools involved include UCLA, Yale, Stanford, and Georgetown, among others. So far, 49 people have been indicted, including 33 parents and nine coaches at various universities. I’m sure that Felicity Huffman is far from the only famous person to pull some questionable strings to get their kid into college, so I’m guessing we’ll be hearing more about this in the weeks to come.

For now, my most pressing question is about William H. Macy. As you may or may not know, Felicity Huffman is married to none other than Frank from Shameless. Is he gonna be arrested too? Did he not know about the SAT money? I need to know!!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy

Y’all, it’s been a wild few weeks for the Kardashians, what with Jordyn Woods being excommunicated from the family and Kylie calling out Travis Scott for cheating. Kris has been working overtime, and honestly, I applaud her efforts. It’s no secret that Kris Jenner will do literally anything for a buck, so I would not be surprised if the recent blast of Kardashian scandals in the media, in fact, originated from one of Kris’s chardonnay-induced fever dreams. As someone who prides herself in Keeping Up, I like to think that I can spot a true scandal from a Kris Jenner-scripted scandal. That said, lately it’s been hard to tell what’s real and what Kris had her intern pull from their MFA short story collection. So put on your tinfoil hats, betches, because I’m about to deep-dive into every scandal I believe Kris Jenner concocted for PR purposes.

1. #JordynGate

Let’s start with the most recent development on the KarJenner front: #JordynGate. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the scandal, then IDK what to tell you other than I’d like to throw spoiled fruit at you in the town square because MY GOD how can you not have heard about this by now? Basically, Kylie’s BFF/Stormi’s live-in nanny, Jordyn Woods, hooked up with Khloé’s baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, and the internet promptly lost its sh*t over it. They hooked up two weeks ago at a house party and the tea is STILL being spilled. In the midst of all the drama, the Kardashians have closed rank around Khloé and have committed the ultimate act of petty: unfollowing Jordyn Woods on Instagram and making her lip kit collab more affordable than a Wet n Wild lip stain. To retaliate, Jordyn is taking to Jada Pinkett Smith’s talk show today (!!!) to talk about the scandal, despite the fact that she reportedly has an ironclad NDA with the fam. And while I absolutely called out sick today to watch said tell-all, that doesn’t mean that I don’t on some level think that this entire thing was orchestrated by Kris Jenner for better KUWTK ratings. Let’s examine the evidence!

EXHIBIT A: The infamous hookup took place at a house party where CONVENIENTLY there is no photographic evidence of said hookup, just the word of a guy who thrives on messy drama. Also, what is the motive for Jordyn hooking up with Tristan? A half a million more Instagram followers? I would argue that Jordyn was already gaining fame as Kylie Jenner’s BFF. Wouldn’t it be easier to ride the coattails of your BFF’s fame through lavish paid vacations and lip kit deals rather than fake an orgasm with the Cavalier’s bench warmer? No, sh*t isn’t lining up here…

EXHIBIT B: The scandal CONVENIENTLY broke before the newest season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians aired, which is suspicious AF because last season had historically low ratings. Are we really to believe that this hookup would take place right when the show is desperate for a much-needed PR stunt and everyone is just supposed to chalk it up as a happy coincidence? Are we??

I 100 percent believe Kris could be the mastermind behind this scandal. Think about it. The show is pretty irrelevant at this point. We have 24/7 access to these people via social media; why do we need to tune in every goddamn Sunday when we could watch the exact same storyline play out in real time via Kim’s obnoxiously long Snapchat stories? Nah. I’m calling bullsh*t on this one.

2. Stormi’s Birth Announcement

We all remember the year Kylie had the best kept secret in Hollywood a teen pregnancy and then CONVENIENTLY announced the birth of her child via an 11 minute long YouTube video on one of the most important days for PR/marketing: the Super Bowl. Once again, the Kardashians claimed this was just “convenient timing.” It’s not like Kris was poking holes in condoms or hiding her daughters’ birth control so she could have three grandbabies in three months, right? And she certainly wouldn’t have Kylie induced early so they could announce the secret baby on a day when millions of people would be on social media so they could capitalize FOR FREE on media coverage that other companies paid millions for. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Kris at all…

3. Khloé’s Paternity

This was a long con to run, even for Kris. The mystery behind who fathered Khloé Kardashian is still being investigated to this day. It’s been a longtime rumor that Robert Kardashian Sr. isn’t Khloé’s father, and tbh, if you have working eyes then it’s not hard to see that there might be some truth to that rumor. Some people think Kris had an affair with OJ Simpson, while others believe Khloé’s dad is Kris’s longtime hairdresser Alex Roldan. But the speculation has not stopped once in the 10+ years since KUWTK first aired. Whenever things would get stale on KUWTK, Kris would suggest the family take DNA tests “just for fun” or a random “source” would all of the sudden come forward with new information regarding Khloé’s dad. Khloé’s paternity is like Kris’s trump card. Whenever she’s bored or the media hasn’t run a story about her spawn for five f*cking seconds, she whips this scandal back out for old time’s sake. 

4. Kim’s Sex Tape

And to bring this full circle, let’s bring it back to the very first Kardashian scandal to ever grace our television screens: Kim’s sex tape. The sex tape is arguably objectively what put Kim Kardashian on the map. Before the sex tape, Kim’s biggest claim to fame was being third in line to be Paris Hilton’s best friend and first in line to organize her Juicy tracksuit collection.

Never forget where you come from, Kim.

After the sex tape, she had her very own show on E!, magazine spreads, and people actually started shopping at Dash. Now, Kim is dining at the f*cking White House, and all of this happened because of A SEX TAPE. There’s no arguing that Kris Jenner spun PR gold out of what should otherwise have been a stain on their family name, but I have a deep suspicion that Kris Jenner leaked the tape to begin with. It’s public knowledge that the porn company Vivid Entertainment released Kim’s sex tape Kim Kardashian, Superstar, but who sent the tape to Vivid Entertainment?? It could have been Ray J, Kim’s boyfriend at the time and co-star in the video, or maybe it could be the woman who’s idea of “success” is landing your first Playboy cover. I’m just saying. 

So, there you have it, Betches. Everything that you’ve ever loved about the Kardashian’s messy AF personal lives has actually been scripted by one Kris Jenner herself. Kris, if you’re reading this, you’re doing amazing sweetie!

Images: Giphy (3)

Celebrity scandals are what I live for. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. But I love the thrill of knowing a new piece of gossip that lowers the level of perfection my fav celebrities have and makes them seem more human. 2017 was a pretty good year for celebrity scandals, but the celebrity scandals of 2018 did not disappoint. From feuds with the President to cheating scandals, 2018 was a dramatic AF year. Personally, I’m just glad it’s almost over. Then again, I said that about 2017, and 2018 turned out to be a way worse year. Well, whatever. I guess I have no way of knowing. Anyway, in no particular order, here were the biggest celebrity scandals of 2018.

1. Stormy Daniels Vs. Donald Trump

The year started off with a BANG. On January 12, the Wall Street Journal disclosed that Trump’s lawyer paid Stormy $130,000 of hush money a month before the 2016 elections. After this was publicized, it snowballed into a major scandal, as it always does when Trump is involved. In October, Stormy appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live and disclosed some juicy gossip. If you want to know what the President’s penis looks like, I highly recommend watching it (if you haven’t already), or you can read this article where we broke it down. Or—and this is what I recommend—you could do neither and live your life in a relative state of bliss, never knowing the details of our president’s penis.

2. Tristan Thompson Cheatin

In April, a day before Khloé Kardashian gave birth to their daughter True, TMZ released videos of Tristan cheating on Koko. There had been rumors in the past of Tristan cheating, but it takes a real a**hole to cheat on his girlfriend WHILE SHE IS IN LABOR. While the couple has stayed rather hush-hush about the major scandal, Kim Kardashian (thank god) couldn’t keep her opinions to herself. She said, “I hate him. Sorry not sorry.” You bet I’m watching this season of KUWTK to see all the drama unfold.

3. Allison Mack Sex Trafficking Scandal

WTF. Former Smallville actress Allison Mack was charged with sex trafficking, sex trafficking conspiracy, and forced labor conspiracy for her involvement with the organization NXIVM. Women were recruited to join the alleged sex cult that was branded as “a female mentorship group that addressed their weaknesses.” Well, that’s one way to put it. She is currently out on a $5 million bond and under house arrest in her parents’ California home. And my parents wouldn’t even let me come home if I got a public urination ticket.

4. The Markle Family Drama

Every family has their fair share of drama when it comes time for a wedding. But Meghan and Harry’s wedding had a unique set of dramatic events. First, Meghan’s half-sister, Samantha Markle, started commenting on multiple “mistakes” she believes Meghan has been making. Rightfully so, Meghan decided the only family members to be invited to her wedding would be her father and mother. But wait, there’s more (obvs). After news broke that Meghan’s father staged photos for the paparazzi to take of him and earned some money, he decided he would not be attending the wedding “because he was getting heart surgery that same day”. I guess becoming a princess really isn’t as glamorous as I thought.

5. Kylie Jenner’s Secret Pregnancy 

This list wouldn’t be complete without the most ULTIMATE secret celebrity pregnancy of all time. Although rumors started circulating in September 2017, Kylie’s pregnancy was not *officially* revealed until the birth of her daughter, Stormi, in February through an incredible video. But that didn’t stop fans from coming up with the most absurd theories for her pregnancy, including that she was Kim’s surrogate or her baby daddy was actually her bodyguard. Nonetheless, this was one of the biggest celebrity scandals of the year.

6. Nicki Minaj and Cardi B… Still

The drama between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj has been brewing since early 2017, but the real tea spilled at the Harper’s Bazaar ICONS party on September 7, 2018. A physical fight broke out at New York Fashion Week, where Cardi threw her heel at Nicki, but ended up with a bruise on her own face. Like, LMK how that happens. The feud is never-ending. It even led Cardi to post some nasty words about Nicki on Instagram. The timeline of their fight is too exhausting to even think about so read all the details here.

7. Roseanne, The Racist

Twitter tends to be the source of many large scandals these days, and TBH, I’m not mad about it. But the glory of the internet is that even though something may be deleted, we can always find it. On May 28th, Roseanne took to Twitter to address Valerie Jarett, Barack Obama’s adviser, and wrote “Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby = vj.” ABC worked fast and canceled her show revival immediately and released a statement explaining that her views do not align with theirs. She then got dropped by her talent agent and Roseanne reruns were no longer showed on Viacom channels. What did Roseanne have to say about this? She blames the tweets on the Ambien she had taken. Which literally nobody believed, and even the creators of Ambien clarified is not a real side effect.

People of all races, religions and nationalities work at Sanofi every day to improve the lives of people around the world. While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.

— Sanofi US (@SanofiUS) May 30, 2018

When you get burned by a pharmaceutical company, take every seat.

Images: Giphy (2); @iamcardib / Instagram ; SanofiUS / Twitter

Are you obsessed with true crime? We’re launching a NEW podcast called Not Another True Crime Podcast where we’ll talk about crime, cults, conspiracy theories, and all that other good sh*t. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter @natcpod for more info!

According to like, the dozens of tourists I’ve seen walking through New York wearing f*cking parkas this morning, it is officially chilly weather season. (Yes, I know it’s in the 70s. Don’t ruin this for me.) For most people, that means it’s cuffing season, but for the real ones, it’s true crime documentary binging season. It’s officially time to quit pretending we don’t eat carbs and dairy and dedicate every waking second of our spare time to what truly matters: our obsession with stuff that terrifies the sh*t out of us. Here are a few new true crime documentaries Netflix has added, while you were busy Instagramming yourself drinking canned rosé on a flamingo float while you still had the chance.

‘Killer Kids’

The first season of Killer Kids just got added to Netflix. It’s a series about… you guessed it, murderous children. This show really hits the ground running; there’s a group of metalhead teens who sacrifice a girl to Lucifer just in the first episode. I mean, I don’t think I even really need to say much else about this.

‘First and Last’

For those of you who watched the first like, three episodes of Orange is the New Black and then got bored and bailed, there is finally a documentary just for you. First and Last is a Netflix original that details the first and last days that real people spend in jail. (Sidenote: where can I apply for a job where I just title documentaries? Is there any creativity involved? Or are they just like “F*ck it, the deadline’s tomorrow, let’s just call it something obvious.”)

‘Tabloid’

This 2010 documentary was recently added to Netflix, but I’m still including it in this roundup because there’s a solid chance you haven’t seen it yet. Whatever. In 2010 we were too busy getting spray tans and wearing bodycon dresses to truly ride the true crime wave. Anyway, it’s about the insane media coverage of the Manacled Mormon case, where former beauty queen Joyce McKinney kidnapped and sexually assaulted a man while living in England in the ‘70s. Fair warning: you will fall into a Google hole after watching this. I won’t spoil it for you, but Joyce has drummed up some pretty insane headlines for us over the years, from having her pit bull cloned to plotting a burglary to obtain a wooden leg for her three-legged horse. 

‘Inside The Criminal Mind’

Another one of Netflix’s new original series is Inside the Criminal Mind, which seeks to explain the psychological reasoning behind why people commit specific kinds of crimes. One critic has described it as, “like a SparkNotes version of the psychology behind true crime,” which I think was intended to be a negative comment, but has me SOLD! Each 45-minute episode dives into a different kind of criminal mind; from serial killers to kidnappers to crime lords. Even if this series doesn’t have the best reviews, it does have three solid hours of true crime documentary content, which is essentially a hangover cure in itself.

‘I Am A Killer’

Damn, Netflix is really churning out the original documentaries. The streaming service added I Am A Killer last month. The series is basically like that part in Mean Girls where Regina George wrote “This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut,” next to her own picture in The Burn Book, except with death row inmates spilling the details of their capital murder convictions.  The first season has 10 50-minute episodes, so the binge-ability of this is solid AF.

Images: Netflix (4); YouTube (1) 

Are you obsessed with true crime? We’re launching a NEW podcast called Not Another True Crime Podcast where we’ll talk about crime, cults, conspiracy theories, and all that other good sh*t. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter @natcpod for more info!

Well, folks, it finally happened. And by “it” I mean “adult film actress Stormy Daniels released a book with a detailed description of President Trump’s penis.” I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to you, dear readers. I’m sorry to my future children. I’m sorry to my ancestors. Frankly, I’m just sorry. I guess when Stormy titled her book Full Disclosure she wasn’t kidding.

How Do We Even Know This Sh*t?

A British newspaper received an advance copy of Stormy’s book, and just like a middle schooler who got their hands on a sex ed book, they flipped right to the part that talks about penises. Specifically, the president’s penis. George Washington would be so, so proud.

Read on if you want to hear Stormy’s description of the infamous Trump Cheeto, but if you don’t want to have it’s big reveal in The Pee Tape spoiled, we understand.

I Can’t Believe I’m Asking This But, What Did Stormy Say About Trump’s D*ck?

Well, if you insist. Firstly, Stormy described sex with Trump as “the least impressive sex I’d ever had,” which is actually a way better review than I would have expected. The two apparently hooked up at Trump’s penthouse after a golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, while Melania was casually taking care of a newborn baby Baron. This is the exact affair that led to the $130,000 payment from Michael Cohen, which led to Michael Cohen pleading guilty and agreeing to cooperate with Mueller, which led to Trump being impeached for campaign fraud (pending). Oh what a tangled web we weave when we f*ck a porn star during a golf trip.

Melania reading Stormy’s account of that day:

Okay, But What Did She Say About Trump’s D*ck Tho?

Okay, okay, I’m getting to it. I just had to mentally prepare to type these words. According to Stormy, “He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool.” And if you thought “huge mushroom head like a toadstool” was where we tapped out for the day, think again. Stormy also described it as “not freakishly small” (again, a better review than I’d expected), but the real kicker comes when she says that during the sex she laid there, “annoyed was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d*ck like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

Aaaaand now if you’ll excuse me, I have to text my boyfriend and tell him all Mario games are henceforth banned from our home.

Anything Else I Should Know?

Other important details include: Trump’s fear of sharks, Trump’s insistence that they watch Shark Week while f*cking, the fact that Hillary Clinton called while she was there,  and that Trump offered her a spot on The Apprentice in exchange for some mushroom d*ck action.

In other news, I now have PTSD from writing this article and will be taking the next six weeks off work to recover.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Here at The Betches Sup, it’s our job to share with you and break down today’s news. But what is news except political gossip. So gather round the water cooler as I tell you that there’s a Trump kid no one knows about. No, I’m not talking about Tiffany, though I understand why you’d think that.

A former doorman at Trump World Tower says he knows about an illegitimate child the President had with a housekeeper. But why is he only speaking up now? Well, as anyone who has tea knows, there’s a proper time to spill it. Perhaps the upcoming midterm elections? There’s also the fact that up until like a week ago, the doorman was in a contract with American Media Inc (AMI) that prohibited him from telling people about Trump’s love child. But like, what timing right?

So AMI owns the National Enquirer has exclusive rights on this story and now, according to the doorman’s lawyer, they don’t so his client is ready to meet up for coffee and dish. The contract was allegedly signed on November 15th, 2015 and who else but America’s boyfriend Ronan Farrow had broken news last April that the contract existed.

So does it hold up? Okay, now we’re getting to the real questions. No news source that’s been following the story has been able to independently confirm the existence of such a child. Does that mean it isn’t true? There’s no way to really know for now, so Tiffany’s throne as least talked about Trump child is still indeed hers. But you bet your ass I’m going to go undercover on Upper East Side playgrounds looking for a fatherless child with unruly yellow hair and a low-key McDonald’s addiction.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!