Welcome back to the beach, betches! We are now a week out from the finale, and morale could not be lower. We’re so far past finding love in a hopeless place, and are instead finding psychosis at the bottom of one of Wells’ margaritas. The look of absolute despondency on these peoples’ faces. I’m telling you, I haven’t seen such a thing since I looked in the mirror at my own face after fighting to the death on Ticketmaster for a chance to listen to Taylor Swift live and in concert—or at least live through two cups held together by a string, depending on Ticketmaster’s benevolence. Haunting, truly. 

It’s at this point in the season that the cabin fever—or, perhaps it’s more accurate to say, bungalow fever—fully sets in. I imagine this must be what it was like in the days before humanity discovered fire. Just whacking each other with sticks and arguing about if that feeling is itchy or painful until eventually evolution’s first draft of a bear stumbles upon you arguing and makes a restaurant week out of your remains. 

Sadly, there are no prehistoric beasts to put the Paradisers out of their misery (though wouldn’t that be fun if there were?). Keep in mind that by the end of this season, there will have been nine weeks and something like 15 episodes of BiP we will have been forced to watch. That’s more than the amount of episodes in a normal Bachelor/ette season. Quite frankly, I would settle for a prehistoric beast taking me out at this point. A girl can dream…

The contestants have now spent weeks stunting their amygdalae with tequila shots and rudimentary conversation. They’ve forgotten that beyond this beach there is a vibrant world outside, one in which they don’t have to be semi-nude and in a constant state of alcohol poisoning to engage with it. Because of this, they’ve stopped being fun to watch. It’s like when the monkeys refuse to dance at the circus. ABC is at the point where if they want to see the cast do anything other than develop slow-growing carcinoma, they have to literally poke them with sticks. That, or shove an overly-zealous 33-year-old woman who defines herself as “a little spicy and a little saucy” onto their daybed and hope it spurs them into some sort of forward momentum. 

That might be why, out of the entire 240 minutes of footage they showed us this week, 60 minutes were spent trying to make the lesser half of Paradise’s Suite Life of Zack & Cody look like a legitimate romantic option (we all know Joey is the one carrying the twin bit on his barely-pubescent shoulders), 30 minutes were spent on Genevieve and Aaron fighting with their last two remaining brain cells, and 60 minutes were spent watching the cast act like Rodney took their only remaining water source with him when he left. If these aren’t cries for help, I don’t know what are!

But what am I saying? You’re going to read all about it. Let’s get into it!

Eliza’s Saga Continues

As I mentioned above, this week’s episodes were trash. Not even the Eliza/Rodney/Justin drama felt compelling. I think it’s because Eliza is the weak link here. All season, I haven’t understood why she’s the Helen of Troy of this beach, bringing the ravages of war and suffering to every man who lays eyes on her. Like, yes, she is beautiful, but I suspect a conch shell has more personality than what’s happening beneath that gorgeous exterior. 

The episode opens with Eliza traveling to Justin’s hometown of Baltimore to “get her man back.” Nevermind that “her man” is a stranger she met on a beach 72 hours prior. Paradise should never normalize this behavior. In the real world, if I even so much as followed a guy I just met on Instagram, he would be alerting his entire friend group and Instagram HQ of my “erratic” behavior. 

This explains why Justin is so freaked out by her arrival. He wanted her rose, not a relationship.

Justin tells Eliza that he can’t be with her because he wanted her to choose him first. He doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. That, and also he was in the middle of a 30-hour Call of Duty marathon with the boys, and he really needs to get back to it. You understand, right Liza?

I guess you should have gone with Rodney! 

My Sister In Christ, Is It Too Much To Ask For A Decent Man On This Franchise? 

God bless Kate. Her voice makes me want to put my eardrums through a cheese grater, but she is mildly entertaining to watch. At least someone understood the assignment. 

Kate is still very unsure of Logan. She’s like “I need a man,” and then proceeds to emasculate the one she’s dating on national television. “Logan is 26 years old,” she says, “ not established, drives an orange Honda, has a broken phone, he’s a dog walker.” I drive a gray Honda and my iPhone’s speakerphone function hasn’t worked since 2020, so I don’t love her points. What if owning broken things is just your personality, Kate!!

KATE: I’m a wow-er. I want to be wower. 

It’s giving:

I hate to break it to you, Kate, but in the real world, men with shitty phones are in high demand. Why do you think therapists are always so busy?

Enter: Ency and Lyndsey, who are ready to find a man even if that man is literally the last one on earth. Lyndsey wants to ask Logan on the date. Unlike Kate, she has lots of nice things to say about him. For example: “He’s so tall,” and “He’s really, really tall.” As I said, Kate, a hot commodity. 

Despite what I write in every single one of these recaps, Logan is actually capable of some critical thinking. He senses that something is amiss with Kate. When I write that, I don’t mean that Logan has any real understanding of Kate’s complicated feelings. I mean that he has working eyes and ears and after weeks of passive aggressive comments is starting to think that maybe, possibly, she’s not happy with their relationship. It’s like when my dog farts in her sleep so bad that it wakes her up. She can smell that something is off, but she can’t tell that she was the actual source of it. 

LOGAN: It feels like you look down on me
KATE: 

I want to watch the reunion, if only to get Logan’s reaction after watching weeks of Kate trolling him in the confessionals. Kate’s like, “Name a moment where I was critical of him?”, and she does realize this is a show with cameras, yes? I don’t think there’s a moment of their relationship where she hasn’t been critical of him. I thought that was kind of their kink. 

Things escalate when Gabby and Rachel crash the beach. I simply love that they brought these two here to give relationship advice. What insight could they possibly provide? Making bad decisions? The tequila is taking care of that, ladies! I mean, it is pretty wild to watch them both flash around their engagement rings when, at that exact moment, Tino is already ignoring Rachel’s calls, and Erich is releasing statements about doing blackface. But sure, gals, do tell us the secret to a happy relationship. 

It’s obvious that the entire purpose of Gabby and Rachel’s presence is to set fire to whatever self-respect Logan had left. They tell Kate he can’t be trusted. “I don’t respect him and I don’t trust him,” Rachel cautions. “He has a bit of an ego in his mind that he is the ultimate,” Gabby piles on. 

You guys, the man is not a master manipulator. From the sounds of it, he can’t even manipulate Verizon into giving him a phone upgrade. Meanwhile, Kate has him performing tricks like he’s a foxhound terrier who’s about to win Best in Show. Please stop worrying about this guy. 

LOGAN “WORKING ON HIS RELATIONSHIP” FOR KATE: 

Production Gives The Hostages Something To Live For

We’re at that point in the season when the allure of a free Mexican vacation is fading faster than Michael’s farmer’s tan. This entire week has been bleak in terms of content. The producers must sense that the cast is one sunny, idyllic day away from going full Victorian bride and drowning themselves in the ocean, because they finally decide to give the hostages something to live for again.

Production plans a Sadie Hawkins, ’90s-themed dance. Sadie Hawkins, because when has this franchise ever asked the men to work for anything, and a ’90s theme because they wanted to humiliate the twins, whom I suspect were born sometime in the new millennium. It’s times like these that I miss Jill. She would have broken my mind by showing up in some sort of Lisa Frank cosplay. 

MICHAEL: In the ’90s we parted our hair down the middle because the bigger the fluff, the bigger the stuff.

HOW IS THIS MAN THE HOTTEST COMMODITY ON THE BEACH?

You know who’s not having a good time? Jessenia. Ever since Andrew ditched her for a date with Ency (the tiniest of plot points on Monday night’s episode), she’s been ready to set fire to his happiness. 

Jessenia has clearly made the decision to leave Paradise, but wants to get closure from Andrew first. Andrew thinks there’s nothing to close, because he never really had feelings for her to begin with. Jessenia, however, has been choosing him week after week in rose ceremonies because she thought a spark was there. I think Andrew has been phoning it in ever since Teddi left, and really needed to vocalize how meh he was feeling about Jessenia weeks ago. Jessenia would like for him to admit that, while also ruining his fun. 

I’ll spare you the excruciating details, but essentially Andrew does admit to never fully getting over Teddi, and leaves Paradise mid-dance. The two moments that stick out to me from this fight are Jessenia hollowly whispering “I’m tired,” as she stares dead-eyed into the abyss of that limo, and Ency fully losing her damn mind. 

Picture this: Andrew, who has now wrestled free from ABC’s mind control, and is backing slowly into an awaiting getaway car, as Ency deteriorates into a pile of body glitter and hair ties. I’m not kidding, y’all. She was all but on her hands and knees! The way she was repeating “please” over and over again… the last time I prayed that hard was when I got stuck trying on a jumpsuit and was forced to either live forever in a TJ Maxx dressing room or debase myself by asking the 16-year-old retail associate if she could cut me out of it. Save the prayers for a real emergency, Ency.

And that’s all she wrote! Until next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5)

Welcome back to the beach, betches! This week, ABC has decided to give us a brief respite from the grueling BiP schedule by airing only one episode instead of two. Thank you, midterm elections. So, instead of feeling simmering amounts of anxiety watching Genevieve showcase the problem solving skills of a coconut, I can be completely submerged in my anxiety as I await democracy’s downfall and wonder if the guy on this show whose entire personality is bragging about the size of the banana leaf he wears in lieu of a swimsuit (“it’s the only thing that can contain me!!”) will have more bodily autonomy than me. 

This week’s episode was less focused on telling a story, and more focused on telling us which couples we are supposed to care about. Theoretically, the end of Paradise is in sight. “Paradise is coming to an end soon,” Brittany even says about a season that, by my count, still has 10 hours of footage left to air. Don’t lie to me, Brittany!!

With proposals only a few episodes away, the contestants are feeling the pressure to pair off into “serious” couples. This is a hard task to do when the only single men on the beach are Hayden, Jacob, and the stars of the next Disney Channel Original Movie about two twins who switch bodies, Justin and Joey. 

Enter production, who heard “geometry beach” was trending several weeks ago and would like to re-edit the footage to capitalize on that tired storyline. Who cares about things like “personal boundaries” and “happiness” when they can hogtie Eliza’s soul to a stick and roast it over the flames of America’s sick enjoyment? Two love triangles in particular became production’s focus: the very real one happening between Rodney, Eliza, and Justin, and then the one in which they promised Kate an extra $1k and a Tula brand deal if she just plays along. 

Let’s get into it!

The Princess & The Pauper

This week, Kate finds herself in a love triangle between herself, her ego, and her own delusions. Also, she has some dalliances with Hayden and Logan. Imagine you’re a producer and you have to make this love triangle sound enticing. Their names are Kate, Hayden, and Logan. They should be the subjects of the math word problem I couldn’t solve during the SATs, not the star-crossed love affair that defines the ages. 

If you’ll recall, last week Kate stepped out on her relationship with Logan by going on a date with Hayden. During the first 15 minutes of tonight’s episode, the two make up in the rain after Kate gets back from her date. “Are you sure about me?”, Logan asks. “I’m sure!”, Kate responds—but not before making sure the production team has successfully corralled every human on that beach within viewing distance of her answer.

Now Kate’s feeling unsure about Logan and their seven-year age difference. As she says: “My sister in Christ, he can’t even afford a trainer at Equinox!” In this economy? Who can??

Kate says there are things she doesn’t like about Logan, like the fact that she’s 33 and he’s 26, or that his idea of checking his credit score involves whispering the last four digits of his social three times in front of a mirror, and if the score doesn’t immediately appear in his reflection, then everything must be fine. And there are things Kate does like about Hayden, like that he spent more money on Rambo’s medical care than Elon Musk spent buying Twitter. 

The catch is, of course, that she hates Hayden with every fiber of her being. Ah, yes. The riddle all Miami club girls spend their lives trying to solve: is the top-shelf bottle service worth co-signing the dregs of humanity? To that I say, is it just liquor, or would they be open to ordering some Veuve for the table?

KATE: Call me old-fashioned, but I just want that provider energy.
ALSO KATE:

Well, if you go with Hayden, he will certainly be providing you with something. My guess is a long lecture about the power of Bitcoin. 

Kate makes a big show of being absolutely tortured over her decision (my sister in Christ, how can ABC ask her to choose like this??). I think she forgets that the men she’s torn between are two of evolution’s greatest mistakes. 

But in the end, it’s Logan to whom Kate begrudgingly gives her rose. “You’re gonna need to step it up for me,” she threatens, as Logan tries to hide both his fear and burgeoning chubby. Later, Logan whispers anxiously to the cameras that he doesn’t like how Kate treats him. Is that really fair to say, though, Logan? I think you like how she treats certain parts of you, don’t you? 

Good luck, Kate! I hope you can find happiness with this man and his Planet Fitness membership. 

A Moment Of Silence For Rodney

The second love triangle to decimate the beach comes in the form of Justin, Eliza, and Rodney. Ever since split week, when Rodney broke things off with Lace, things have been going well for him and Eliza. But then last week, production allowed Justin to return to Paradise. Outwardly, production tells us that they made this decision because they think Justin deserves a second chance. Justin, apparently, was always interested in Eliza and was hoping she would make it to Paradise before he was eliminated. 

When Justin asked Eliza on a date last episode, she didn’t initially want to accept. She wanted Rodney to forbid her from dating anyone else, as if he were the suspiciously young dad in a YA novel who cares a little bit too much about who his little princess dates. Since Rodney is not a cave drawing, he acts maturely and rationally. He insists she go on the date if this is what she needs to do to be sure about him. Naturally, Eliza responds by going on the date to spite him, but then develop real feelings for Justin.

Which brings us to tonight! Eliza is definitely feeling the pressure. Any time either Rodney or Justin breathes in her general direction, she looks like she might be violently ill. I definitely don’t think she’s emotionally mature enough for this decision. She might not be emotionally mature enough for an Ulta credit card. 

I will say, Eliza perhaps has more chemistry with Justin, but doesn’t want to dump Rodney. How do you dump the human embodiment of a weighted blanket? It doesn’t help that the rest of the beach cannot stop talking about how great Rodney is. Okay, so why don’t you sleep with him then? Hmm?

It all comes down to the rose ceremony. Eliza is crying so hard her sobs could create entire new fault lines in the earth. She wants to dump the weighted blanket for the human meme, but would like to do it without the rest of the beach getting together and casting a dark curse that damns her future lineage for centuries to come. The stakes are so high. 

Rose Ceremony Couples

• Genevieve picks Aaron
• Jessenia picks Andrew
• Victoria picks Johnny
• Brittany picks Tyler
• Danielle picks Michael
• Serene picks Brandon
• Aussie Hottie picks twin 1
• Shanae picks twin 2
• Kate picks Logan (with a lecture)
• Eliza picks Rodney

Rose Ceremony Rejects

• Justin
• Jacob
• Hayden
• Alex

The level of joy these people exhibit at Rodney getting to stay another week is wild. They’re acting like Rodney and Eliza just did a blood ritual, binding themselves to each other for all eternity, and not like Eliza was so visibly distraught handing out her rose that she almost passed out in despair. Call me skeptical, but I suspect their relationship has a very real, very imminent expiration date. 

Case in point: immediately after giving Rodney a rose, Eliza grabs Justin’s hand and walks him to a secluded corner. She spends more time comforting Justin than she does reuniting with Rodney. 

RODNEY: It’s you and me until the end. I can’t wait to make you my wife and introduce you to my mother and we should start looking at apartments after filming and when the time is right adopt a labradoodle and maybe name it Paradise (Parry, for short) and—
ELIZA: 

Oh, Rodney. Sweetie, no. 

Eliza is an absolute mess. While Rodney is writing in his dream journal about their future life together, Eliza looks like she spent the night battling her own personal sleep paralysis demon. Her confessional is giving Kelly Kapoor straight off her juice cleanse.

Tell me this isn’t the same energy!

I meant it when I said Eliza is not emotionally mature enough for this relationship. No tea, no shade to her, but it’s just a thing that is pretty obvious. I think she’s maybe more scared of confronting Rodney than her actual feelings for him (or lack thereof).

Eventually, she does muster up the nerve to have The Talk. She tells him that she made the wrong decision and only picked him because she felt influenced by her peers. Eliza! Don’t tell him that! That’s a thing teens say when they have to explain to their parents why they vomited up a six pack of Bartles & Jaymes Strawberry Daiquiri wine cooler all over their Pottery Barn rug. That’s not a thing you say to soften the blow of dumping the most emotionally intelligent man to ever bless this franchise!! 

I don’t necessarily think Eliza did him dirty (the heart wants what it wants and all of that), but I do think Rodney deserved more than Paradise could offer him. I’ve been saying ever since Michelle’s season that he deserved to be the next Bachelor. It’s clear he has leading man energy. If only ABC had a space and platform for women to seriously date only one man? Oh wait. I forgot that ABC only celebrates eligible bachelors if they are mediocre white guys whose personalities are as compelling as rubber cement. 

And that’s all she wrote! Next week, we find out if democracy is dead, and also if Eliza can lock things down with the human meme. I’m on the edge of my seat either way. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); ABC (1)

Welcome back to the beach, betches! And while we’re at it, happy Halloween! Bachelor in Paradise is back yet again to show us four hours of footage that could have been an email. That this week’s episodes happen to coincide with the devil’s day is just good timing. If we’re already in the Bad Place, might as well revel in it, amiright? This did mean that I was forced to watch Monday night’s episode in between handing out Dollar General candy to small children. The parents didn’t appreciate their children’s “trick or treats” being drowned out by the sounds of a half-nude Shanae and a more-nude Jacob perverting the simple act of brushing teeth by turning it into some demented form of foreplay, but what can you do? I can only be me!

Speaking of haunted things, though ABC’s programming tells me I’ll be watching this godforsaken show through Thanksgiving, this week’s episodes felt very end-of-days. After all, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are famously famine, plague, and two twins from Long Island who will let you slurp tequila from their navels. 

This must be why the women are doing their damnedest to trick the men into expressing genuine human emotion. Lol. Nice try, ladies. Eliza, Kate, and Genevieve all go the extra mile to get their guys in line. By “extra mile,” I mean they verbally box the guys into a corner and watch in real-time as their pea brains try to Cirque du Soleil their way out of admitting any sort of commitment. 

It’s a nice try, but ladies, say it with me now: men are idiots. They just don’t have the critical thinking skills that women do. I once watched my best friend find out who was viewing her Facebook profile page—and how many times—by teaching herself computer code. AT A SORORITY PRE-MIXER. As she was taking shots of Jager and crafting monogrammed wall decor for her Little that could put HomeGoods to shame. I once watched my ex-boyfriend mistake a bowl of sour cream for soft-serve vanilla ice cream. Evolutionarily speaking, we are not the same

But what am I saying? You’re going to read all about it. Let’s get into it!

A Rose Ceremony? During Paradise? Groundbreaking. 

More evidence of an impending apocalypse: Jesse Palmer gives us a rose ceremony within the first 20 minutes of the episode. Resolution? Forward momentum? On Bachelor in Paradise? It simply couldn’t be. 

But Jesse is full of surprises tonight. He tells us that not only will there be a rose ceremony, but the women will be the ones handing out the roses. 

SHANAE HEARING THE MEN ARE ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK THIS WEEK:

Back before split week (when humanity was still discovering fire and inventing the wheel), the guys were supposed to be the ones handing out the roses. ABC tries to frame it like they’re doing the OG ladies a favor. Sure, the producers may have emotionally waterboarded them for a week, but at least they have the roses tonight! I’m sure that decision had everything to do with their compassionate response toward human suffering and nothing at all to do with wanting Victoria to implode her love life.

She is in quite the pickle. On-screen, she’s told us multiple times about her strong urge to settle down and procreate. She just doesn’t know who to choose! On the one hand, she has Alex, a man who could impregnate you with a single, smoldering glance. On the other hand, she has Johnny, who thinks cutting out buzzwords from magazines (“PASSION,” “INTEGRITY,” “GIRL BOSS” ) and gluing them to a vision board is the same thing as having a five-year plan. Yeah. That’s really a tough decision there. 

Rose Ceremony Couples:

• Serene picks Brandon
• Danielle picks Zaddy
• Eliza picks Rodney
• Genevieve picks Aaron
• Jessenia picks Andrew
• Brittany picks Tyler
• Kate picks Logan
• Shanae picks Jacob
• Victoria picks Johnny
• Aussie Hottie picks Alex

Unpopular opinion: I’m thrilled Alex will continue to grace our television screens. I know Aussie Hottie only chose him because producers were threatening to load her bags with Spencer’s used sex toys should she not comply with their pre-planned storylines, and that his presence will surely trigger an existential crisis in Johnny, but it’s worth it. That face was made specifically for my viewing pleasure.

A Swarm Of Locusts Losers Descend Upon The Beach

First Jesse Palmer gives us a rose ceremony, then Hayden from Gabby and Rachel’s season makes his Paradise debut. You can practically smell the sulfur in the air. The end is near. My favorite thing about Hayden’s return is that he was too scared to attend the Tell All, but will follow production to a secluded beach in Mexico where no one can hear him scream. Again, where are the critical thinking skills?

For those of you who don’t remember, Hayden was the guy who called Gabby and Rachel—ya know, THE LEADING WOMEN OF HIS SEASON—“bitches,” and then tried to use his terminally ill dog as a living shield to defend his character during rose ceremonies. You hear that, women of Paradise? You traveled all the way to Mexico just to date a guy you could have met in the comments section of a Russian bot’s IG post (he’s the one leaving sexually harassing messages). 

Shanae’s like “What are your core values?”, and I’m interested to see how he tries to spin overt misogyny into a quirky personality trait. Do go on. 

He eventually asks Kate to go on a date with him. She accepts, not so much because she’s actually interested in him, but because she’s playing a verbal game of chicken with Logan and wants to see if he’ll drive straight into the oncoming traffic of his emotions for her, or if he’ll veer left. One guess as to what he chooses. 

I will say, Kate deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for sitting through that date and not committing a violent crime.

HAYDEN: I paid the vet six figures and lent him a copy of Dr. Frankenstein’s lab notes, but the good news is that even though Rambo now looks like an extra from Pet Sematary, at least he can live long enough to watch me vacation in Mexico for an undisclosed amount of time.
KATE:

HAYDEN: Yeah, I called Gabby “rough around the edges,” but what I meant by that is she’s not a serious person and I don’t take women seriously. Sorry! I don’t take Gabby seriously. And also women.
KATE:

HAYDEN: Did I call the Bachelorettes bitches? I couldn’t tell you, and neither can the concrete video footage that shows me doing it.
KATE:

HAYDEN: And if I did call them a bunch of bitches—not saying I did!!—but if I had done that, it’s only because they weren’t there for the right reasons. Not like me, obviously.
KATE:

And to think, she could have just settled for Logan’s lukewarm attention! 

Hayden was not the only locust loser to pollute the beach. On Tuesday night, the twins from Gabby and Rachel’s season show up and turn the island into their own personal frat party. They take Shanae and Aussie Hottie on a double date. I stopped taking notes right around when Justin stuck a ping pong ball up his butt and Shanae turned Joey into a human-sized burrito.  

But the most shocking return happened on Monday night, when Justin of Justin/Genevieve/Aaron love triangle fame waltzed back into Paradise to steal Rodney’s girl. 

“I’m dying to know, why’d you come back?”, Jesse Palmer asks, as if production didn’t physically shove Justin down the beach themselves. 

Look, I have no problem with Justin getting a second shot at love, especially when Genevieve did him so dirty the first time around. But there are rules to this franchise. People can’t just come back after being voted off the island, let alone receive a date card! If we let Justin back, who’s next? Pizza Pete? I’m not supposed to listen to another minute of Mr. It’s-Not-Delivery-It’s-DiGornio without my therapist’s written consent. 

Justin says that he’s here for one person, and one person only: Eliza. Even though he dated Genevieve before, he was really waiting for Eliza the whole time. Meanwhile, Eliza sees Justin’s interest as a way to test her relationship with Rodney. Like Kate, she plays her own game of emotional chicken. She wants Rodney to tell her not to go on the date, because it would emotionally devastate him. Instead, he acts mature and rational. Boo, you whore. 

They go on a date, leaving Rodney to sit alone by the bonfire amongst 20 other couples. I love that everyone is just gathered around the bonfire waiting for Rodney’s life to implode. Do we think they’ll throw spoiled fruit and excess tequila at him if his anguish isn’t entertaining enough?

Unfortunately, we get no resolution from the date. Eliza decides that she wants to date both men now, and that has everything to do with her genuine romantic feelings for two individuals, and not her utter panic at having to engage in conflict management. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Liza.

Genevieve & Aaron Exhaust Me

The above statement is not a subtitle so much as me giving a wellness check to my readers. ABC has been force-feeding us the Genevieve/Aaron love saga for almost this entire season, and you know what?

Rooting for this couple is like rooting for the end of Daylight Saving Time, a thing that also shrouds us in darkness and is ultimately pointless. The problem with these two is that they conflate sustainable love with passion. And I’m not talking about “passion” as it’s defined by Merriam-Webster, I’m talking about “passion” as it’s defined by Stephenie Meyer.

^Aaron and Genevieve in between rounds of Skinny Girl margs

They spend the majority of this week’s episodes arguing. Justin returns and Genevieve gives, perhaps, a too-detailed account of his history on Paradise. Aaron storms off. Genevieve cries. They fight by a daybed over Aaron’s wanting to bro-out with the boys. Aaron storms off. Genevieve cries. Genevieve threatens to leave Paradise. Aaron storms off. Genevieve cries. Are you sensing the pattern here? These two communicate like they are speaking through cups attached by a string across adjoining windows instead of directly at each others’ faces. This is what you get, Genny, for dating a man who has a tiny tattoo behind his ear!

If I’m being honest, I’ve never liked Aaron. Last summer, I wrote in a recap that I think he has a gross savior complex and that his rhetoric on the show is not only problematic, but toxic and misogynistic. At that time, he painted himself as the “defender” of women by standing up for their honor (honor that was only violated when they expressed interest in men that weren’t him) by calling guys he viewed as disrespectful and less than names like “little bitch boy” and “fucking pussy.” Yes, I can literally feel how much you respect my gender, Aaron. It’s really evident in the way you hurl feminized slurs at other men to make them feel less masculine. The feminist movement needs more allies like you!

This summer, it seems Aaron is up to his same tricks. Instead of using feminized insults, he tries to discredit Genevieve’s feelings by calling her “crazy.” “You really need to talk to her,” Victoria says. “Well, is she making sense or talking crazy?”, he responds. 

ME GETTING TRIGGERED IN MY LIVING ROOM:

I know Genevieve is annoying and prone to crying, but she literally asked for five seconds of your time to tell you that she loves you. You’re the one who freaked out on her and called her—incorrectly!—a gaslighter because she interrupted your time with the guys. Buddy, I’m about to light YOU up. 

Meanwhile, Genevieve is reacting to this fight as if she is the one hostage the armed assailant just let go. She runs off to pack her bags and actually locks both her friends and production out of the room so they don’t dissuade her from leaving. 

I’ll spare you the agonizing details, but the this fight results in Genevieve, bags packed and seconds from getting in the Uber, screaming at Aaron that she’s unhappy and Aaron screaming back that HE’S UNHAPPY TOO, OKAY. Then, somehow, what follows those admissions is that they love each other and both decide to stay. Fuck watching Michael Meyers mutilate babysitters and torture Jamie Lee Curtis. This relationship is the scariest thing I’ve seen all year.

And on that note, I’m outtie! See you all next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (8)

Welcome back to the beach, betches! We’re now officially halfway through the season. Let that sink in. Halfway. Through. The. Season. Even just typing that exhausted me. And I get paid to be here! I can’t imagine how I would feel if I was here of my own free will and not because I’m financially dependent on grown adults making sexual innuendos out of shrimp. Alas, we all have our crosses to bear. 

Last week, in an unprecedented move, ABC tried to switch things up with their show formatting. By “switch things up,” I mean they copied Love Island’s homework and hoped we wouldn’t notice. Well, the joke is on you, ABC, because I’m a single woman in my 30s who only derives pleasure from watching bikini-clad degenerates with stunted amygdalas hump each other for Instagram followers. Of course I noticed. 

After ABC separated the women from the men, the producers brought in newer, hotter cast members to tempt the original Paradise crew. “Tempt” implies that they have an urge or an inclination to do something wrong, but something tells me the only thing these guys find “wrong” is having to make do with their right hands. Now that ABC has wasted six hours of my life that I’ll never get back, they’re ready to send the OG women back to Paradise to reunite with their men. 

Let’s get into it!

Lace’s Last Stand

When last we left off, Lace had just returned to the men’s side of the beach. If you listen to Lace, the women are being kept in a secret bunker where they are denied food, water, and their skincare products. The only entertainment they are allowed is to listen to ASMR recordings of Jesse Palmer describing in detail which female body parts the men have corrupted since they left. The only reason Lace is even on that beach is because she was able to somehow Shawshank her way out of her cell.

LACE AT THE SIGHT OF WELLS’ TIKI HUT:

In reality, the women are living in a palace of AC and working wall outlets, surrounded by actual bartenders serving actual drinkable beverages and ogling their own harem of ridiculously attractive men. But Lace is not here to talk about semantics. She’s here to get Rodney back. She’s still waiting for Rodney to return from his date with Eliza, when she will demand that he either leave the beach with her or live out his days with the spectral energy of her hurt feelings haunting his future romantic connections. It’s his choice, really.

 I love how Jesse Palmer keeps saying Lace will “burn down” Paradise. The woman is 32. Whatever spark existed in her spirit was snuffed out the day she started taking antacids before happy hour. 

Meanwhile, the men are like “Yooo, Rodney is going through it!!” As if navigating a relationship with a woman in her 30s is the equivalent of walking through a field of live landmines. You know, erratic and could possibly kill you, but you don’t know when.  

Rodney, to his credit, is very sweet about the whole thing. He tells Lace he doesn’t want to waste her time and he hates thinking he hurt her. He’s really trying to soften the blow, but she’s not upset over you, buddy. She’s upset that she’s going to have to re-download Hinge. Don’t flatter yourself.

Lace does leave with one final warning: that all is not as it seems over on the women’s side of the island. “We’re getting to know the new guys, too,” she says. “NEW GUYS?”, Brandon shrieks as Lace evaporates into a cloud of smoke and tequila. That’s right, Brandon, there are new guys. Did you really think they were just doing face masks and syncing their cycles? Well, think again. Not all fun and games now, huh?

Boo, You Whores

Speaking of the women, they are absolutely blowing their one chance at having the upper hand over these guys. While the OG men have been desecrating hot tubs and sucking tequila out of other women’s navels, the OG women have been generating enough renewable energy with their tears to end climate change. The guys think they know where they stand with the women. They have no idea the women are being tempted as well. Why wouldn’t they use that to their advantage??

Jesse Palmer comes in and tells them that he’s not sure what they think is going on over at the guys’ side of the beach, but just to make it clear, they are 100% “connecting” with other women. 

ALSO JESSE: 

Yes, we’re picking up what you’re putting down. Honestly, this is the pep talk the ladies needed. Don’t they know that the best relationships are built on lies and schemes until eventually you wear the other person down enough with your bullshit? Newsflash: get your fucking ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days. 

The only one who’s even slightly doing this right is Victoria. Though she initially hit things off with Johnny, she decides to go on a date with Alex during Hotel Amour. “Physical touch is my love language, and Alex just gets that,” she says about a man who used his index finger to barely scratch her head once. I really hope that’s not a precedent for how else he’s going to use that finger. 

But just because she’s going on dates with Alex doesn’t mean she isn’t still conflicted about Johnny. “I’m used to doing life with Johnny!!”, she moans. Honey, sweetie, baby. IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS. That’s not doing life. That’s doing a vacation. Who’s gonna tell her?

Geometry Beach

Meanwhile, back on Fboy Island, Logan is torn between three women: Shanae, Sarah, and Kate. While he accepted Shanae’s rose at the last rose ceremony and went on a date with Sarah last week, now he only has eyes for Kate. I love that the only explanation production can come up with for these sudden romantic feelings is grainy footage of Logan and Kate mumbling incoherently to each other with a time stamp of 1:30am. Say less.

The thing about Kate is that she is also in a love triangle with Jacob, who is kind of dating Jill. This does not stop her from asking Logan to go on a date with her. They do a weird massage thing where Kate says things like, “I can’t wait to tear your skin off so we can start fresh and raw,” and then treats his back like her own personal slip-n-slide. She loses me when she starts beating Logan with a cactus paddle. “Am I expected to give a tip?”, Logan jokes. Honey, I think you’re already sporting one. 

But Logan is going to have to face the music at some point. During Tuesday night’s episode, Jesse tells the women that they are finally allowed out of their kennels and can return to Paradise.

JESSE: It’s time for you to go back to the beach
ME ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:

Shanae is one of the first to be set loose on the beach. She says she’s all in on Logan, as if she didn’t try with every fiber of her being to be all in on someone else. (She made a run at Tyler, but he was more interested in Brittany). I get it though. Logan has big “last man on earth” energy. 

“I went on a date with someone else but he wasn’t you!” she tells Logan, and leaves out the part where she tried to turn the boom-boom room into Tyler’s personal carnival stand. You can tell Logan was hoping she would admit to some more concrete cheating so he would have an easy out. Instead, he’s going to have to stare directly down the maw of the beast and tell it he’d rather exchange bodily fluids with a girl named Kate. Good luck. 

The one thing I don’t appreciate about all of these reunions is how the OG guys are acting like the OG women are monsters for having feelings. “Here comes Laceifer!”, they cackle when Lace walks calmly down the beach. “There’s the Shanaedo!!”, Aaron giggles as Shanae cries by the ocean. “Pompeii is about to explode!!”, Brandon squeals (also about Shanae crying). Don’t you guys think you’re being a little tough on them?  The scariest thing about these women is their reading levels. Maybe the peanut gallery should cool it. 

Speaking of scary things, I’m worried that this might be the end of Jill’s screen time. Jill is hoping their full moon ritual meant as much to Jacob as it did to her delusions, but their reunion doesn’t go as planned. 

JILL: My biggest fear is that Jacob didn’t miss me at all and I’ve just been sitting here rotting.
JACOB: But rotting is a form of growing, no?

Jacob admits that he “kissed” Kate while Jill was away. That is a very nice way of describing the UTI you gave that woman in a hot tub. He tells Jill that even though things didn’t work out with Kate, he would rather date a banana leaf than continue things with her. While I appreciate Jacob’s point of view, it’s a wrong point of view. Jacob and Jill are different sides of the same penitentiary. They’re meant to be!!

Personally, I don’t want to conceive of a Paradise without Jill in it. Who else is going to deliver us with such finite wisdom as this: “he sold his couch for cash and I cried over him??” You think Genevieve is going to have such prowess over her comedic timing? She has about as much control over her delivery as she does those hair extensions. They just don’t make them like Jill any more! 

But I know Jill is going to be just fine. Karma is a cat purring in her lap cause it loves her, and I can’t wait to see what she does next. 

Other Things That Happened

If you were hoping to come to the end of this recap and find something like “and then there was a rose ceremony” well, I hope you’re used to disappointment. For weeks now, ABC has been dangling the prospect of a third rose ceremony. No, there haven’t even been three yet. Yes, that high-pitched keening sound is just me screaming into the void. 

This week, ABC continues to focus on dragging out over-played plot lines instead of moving the season along. I, for one, cannot give more attention to their bullshit. So, with that said, here is a list of couples that production desperately wants me to care about and I absolutely refuse to. You’re welcome.

Genevieve + Aaron: Stay together. Watching these two on screen makes me feel like a prisoner of Azkaban. You can’t tell me Genevieve’s wailing doesn’t acutely feel like a dementor is feeding off your will to live. But good luck with Aaron! 

Brittany + Andrew: Break up. Like Victoria and Shanae, Brittany was one of the few women to explore new relationships in Hotel Amour. She tells Andrew she’d rather be with Tyler, and the only thing I wrote in my notes about the exchange is “Why does Brittany look like the Olsen twins’ medium?” So… do with that what you will, I guess?

Victoria + Johnny: Move into the gray area. Victoria would like to have her cake and eat it too. She tells Johnny that while she still really cares for him, she would also like to explore things with Alex. Ladies, this right here is what we’ve been marching for. Equality is being able to treat your significant other with the same care and respect a guy named Ian would give his iguana. You do you, honey.

The thing is, Victoria is right to have her doubts about Johnny. Is that a Sanskrit tattoo that says “live laugh love” on his forearm? Methinks it might be.

When Victoria asks him a simple adult question like “What are your career goals?”, his only answer is that he’s passionate and motivated. These are things you say in your interview to be a YMCA lifeguard. The woman said she’s ready to have kids, and his five-year plan is about as mature as Kraft macaroni and cheese. Of course she has her doubts!!

And that’s all she wrote, friends! The descent into madness continues next week. See you there!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); ABC (1)

Welcome back to the beach, betches! Every week, ABC promises us that the footage we’ll see will be the most dramatic content to ever grace our Bachelor in Paradise screens, and then I sit through four hours of Ashley I peeing on a public beach. It seems like ABC has been holding us hostage all season, dangling promises of a supposed high-stakes “twist.” A twist that is so dynamic, so dramatic, it will allegedly stir up such strong emotions in Bachelor Nation as to generate the 1.21 gigawatts needed to transport Marty McFly back to the future. 

And, look, I’ll admit that I’ve been curious about what this twist entails. Bachelor in Paradise used to be my favorite in the franchise. It was under-produced and overly dramatic. Now, it’s but a pale comparison to its former self. More drama happens at Stagecoach than on that godforsaken beach. It’s been needing something to reignite viewer interest and love for the franchise. 

Well, after watching this week’s big, twisty reveal, I can confidently say the twist is certainly… something. By “something,” I mean that ABC is just going to copy and paste directly from Love Island’s homework.

Similar to Love Island, ABC will introduce a Casa Amor situation, wherein they break up the current couples into separate houses and then bring in new, hot singles to ramp up the tension and emotionally devastate those who were stupid enough to tentatively trust the opposite sex. Let’s get into it!

Buongiorno, BITCHES!

Before I launch into the meat of the episodes, let’s first talk about the rose ceremony, which dominated much of Monday night’s footage. I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for the low-hanging fruit mozzarella anymore, but here I am writing about Pizza Peter. I didn’t mention much about Pizza Peter in my recap last week, and that was strategic. We all need to protect our peace. My “peace” is not wasting brain cells talking about a man whose existence is the result of some sort of synergistic explosion of influencer hashtags given human form. There’s only so much the wine can dull.

Last week, Peter took Brittany on a yacht date, and my credit score went down just listening to him describe his business practices. How did Brittany feel about the date? Well…

BRITTANY: I feel really grateful. It was a really nice yacht. 

Brittany chalks up the bad energy to a “win some, lose some” situation, and I assume she is talking about her brain cells here. Same, girl. Peter, on the other hand, handles the rejection differently. He starts telling all the guys that, actually, he’s not into Brittany. He’s the one who didn’t have a good time on the date.

Not only did he not have a good time on the date, but Brittany was just using him for clout. Lol. He’s like, “I’m not trying to stir the marinara sauce, but I don’t think Brittany is here for the right reasons,” and then directs us to his swipe up code. Sir, you have not once stopped talking about your CiCi’s Pizza empire since you’ve walked onto that beach. Methinks the pizza-preneur doth protest too much. 

Old Man Winter—I’m sorry, Casey—is willing to be the hero the beach didn’t ask for and confront Peter about his shit talking. Well, actually, he’s not going to confront Peter. He’s going to gossip with Brittany about it a safe distance away and then she’ll actually be the one doing the confronting. What can he say? He’s a feminist! 

Watching the Peter drama play out during the rose ceremony is making me take a good, long look at this world we live in. It’s also making me wish I grew up on the Oregon Trail and then died of cholera. A girl can dream. 

A couple of things happen next: first, the women of Paradise confront Peter about his bad behavior. The energy is very “kill the beast,” and though none of them are carrying pitchforks or metal pipes, I would not put it past them to inflict some blunt force trauma with those margarita glasses. The next thing that happens is that, in the midst of all the yelling, Casey falls and can’t get back up. That’s right, our unlikely hero went full on Bridgerton and actually swooned to get the attention back on himself. 

CASEY ON THIS BEACH RN:

But boy did that “fall” backfire. Instead of getting a pity rose from Brittany, he leaves Paradise early via an ambulance stretcher (he twisted his ankle). Peter takes that as his cue to get the hell back to his Sbarro’s, but not before leaving us with one final, stunning quote:

PETER: All I gotta say is, BUONGIORNO BITCHES!!
JACOB: *using his last remaining brain cell* doesn’t that mean “good morning” though?

I love that Jacob is like “that’s not even linguistically accurate!” I appreciate that you’re putting the one Italian class you took in college to good use, but I think you’re missing the bigger picture, buddy. Speaking of the bigger picture, here are the rose ceremony results:

Rose Ceremony Couples:

• Serene picks Brandon
• Jill picks Jacob
• Lace picks Rodney
• Genevieve picks Aaron
• Shanae picks Logan
• Victoria picks Johnny
• Brittany picks Andrew
• Danielle picks Zaddy

Rose Ceremony Rejects:

• James
• Justin
• Casey
• Pizza Peter

Play Time Is Over

Post-rose ceremony, production would have us believe that the couples are in a catatonic state of blissed-out love. I’m sorry, but I think that’s just the bottom-shelf tequila Wells is poisoning them with. We’ve got Serene and Brandon baby-birding each other fresh fruit. Genevieve and Aaron making out with so much visible angst they could be two high school seniors in a Meg Cabot novel. Jill. who’s looking at Jacob over the breakfast table like she now sleeps with a lock of his hair. There’s Lace, who’s holding on to Rodney with as much strength as that glue is holding onto her eyelash extensions. And Shanae and Logan, who still seem shocked to find themselves dateable prospects on the beach. There’s so much peace and tranquility, it makes me sick. 

Thank god for Jesse Palmer, who takes one look at all that burgeoning love and sets fire to the whole damn thing. He gathers all the idiots around and tells them things are about to change.

JESSE: Are you happy? Do you trust your partner implicitly?
ALSO JESSE:

Jesse tells us that the women will be banished to another property for a week, and in their place a new set of women will descend upon the beach: Jessenia (Matt’s season), Kate (Clayton’s season), Australian Hottie, Eliza (Clayton’s season), and Sarah (Clayton’s season). At the end of the week, the men (who have the roses this week, mind you) will decide if they’re happy in their original pairings, or if they’re ready to find love with someone else. 

Jesse tells us that the point of this “twist” is to test their relationships, to see if they’re ready to do this thing in the real world. Oh, Jesse. These are not test-taking kinds of guys (unless those tests are court-mandated, of course). They think self-restraint is that one time they tried edging and hated it! They’re never going to get through this.  

JESSE PALMER ON THE BEACH RN:

I will say, I’m enjoying myself watching this chaos unfold. The comedic timing of the new girls’ arrival cannot be overstated. Johnny’s like, “These new girls look ready to be here,” as the cameras pan back to the original women dragging their sweat and sand-crusted luggage down the beach. “We’re haggard!”, Jill shrieks, as Lace loses half an eyelash and Genevieve disintegrates into a puddle of body glitter and tears.

The men are welcoming the new women as if the beach is their own personal Playboy mansion. Guys, you’re a little less Hugh Hefner, a little more sad Space Jam aliens beholden to the Monstar overlord. Know your place. 

Cut to the original women, who are hauling ass down the freeway in the world’s saddest car ride ever. I’m sure they didn’t think that car ride was going to be on national television, but I am living for their bad attitudes. I have seen that despondent look before, but it’s usually etched on the faces of a group of girls who just survived 72 hours of SARA’S LAST FLING BEFORE THE RING without any water, sleep, or hope of recouping the Christmas bonus they spent so Sara could chug Veuve Clicquot out of a penis-shaped bong. 

They get to their new abode, and even the sight of running water and full-sized beds cannot turn those frowns upside down. Serene’s like, “I was sad to leave, but I think we’ll have fun,” with less enthusiasm than words can describe. Ladies, buck up. At least you have AC! These men are not better than AC. 

But when it rains, it pours. Literally. As the women settle in for the night, they hear a crack of ominous thunder in the distance, and Jill smiles smugly as if all is going well with her spell. They’re like, “I hope it rains on the guys’ parade tonight!”, and then cackle at the thought of those new, fresh-faced women testing the life expectancy of their hair extensions in that downpour. Meanwhile, the men are like, “Rain? Sweet! Wet t-shirt contest!” 

The energy radiating off of these guys right now… you’d think they got a second lease on life. They keep talking about how fun and awesome these new girls are, and it’s like, yeah, they haven’t spent three weeks stranded on a desert island being bogged down by your bullshit. Of course they seem fun and awesome! Talk to me next week, when you’ve sucked the life force out of them. 

It’s at this time that Michael and Danielle return from their date. On Monday night’s episode, Michael was saved from self-eliminating during the rose ceremony by the fortuitous timing of Danielle M’s arrival. While the rest of the island descended into a bacchanalian orgy, they were discussing the trials and tribulations of dating after loss (Michael is a widow and Danielle’s fiancé overdosed). Imagine coming back from your date and finding that the island has gone to complete shit. Like, they just went through an intensive therapy session, only to walk into toga night at the frat house. 

 

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Back at the new BiP house, morale is low. Luckily, Jesse has a gift for them. He may be the grinch who stole Christmas, but he still has a show to host. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the ill-wish doll Jill made of him out of a bar of soap and a banana leaf. Hell hath no fury like a woman with a charged crystal. 

He tells the women that just like the men, they will also be getting a new batch of Paradisers to flirt with: Rick (Michelle’s season), Olu (Michelle’s season), Alex (Rachel Lindsay’s season), Tyler (Gabby + Rachel’s season), and boy Australian Hottie. I know the women don’t see it this way because they can’t get their hair extensions out of their asses, but this is HUGE for them. They have the advantage here. They know they have new guys, but the boys back on the beach think they’re crying in a motel right about now. Take advantage of the narrative, ladies!!!

THE GUYS REALLY THINK THE GIRLS WERE SHIPPED OFF TO BE ALONE AND GET MASSAGES. LMFAOOOOOOO #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/w4cVvjWhvm

— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) October 19, 2022

Out With The Old & In With The New

So, now that the stage has been set, let’s look at the brave few who were willing to test the bounds of their relationships:

Tyler is a hot commodity. Tyler arrives on the women’s side of the island and immediately attracts the attention of Shanae and Brittany. I’m not sure I understand Shanae’s type. She says that the Australian guy is attractive, but Tyler is “WOAH.” So she dates Clayton and James (meatheads), Logan (who is the human equivalent of an AOL away message) and now… Tyler? Is it attraction, or will she just go for whoever’s face production’s dart lands on this week?

Brittany is also very into Tyler. So much so that within minutes of his arrival, she’s like, “Andrew who??” (Reminder: after the Pizza Peter drama, she and Andrew coupled up). I’m watching all of this Tyler propaganda, and I really just want to scream HE OWNS A BOARDWALK STAND IN NEW JERSEY. He thinks knowing people in “the industry” is knowing the people who work the Auntie Anne’s stand. What is the allure here?

But it’s Shanae who secures a date card and some one-on-one alone time with Tyler. How does their date go? Well, Shanae is quick to tell us that she’s “Wet in every crack.” So I guess… well?

Shanae is not even thinking of Logan, who actually struggles during his date with Sarah, she’s just thinking about what kind of carnival tricks Tyler can lay on her in the boom boom room. Sadly, they aren’t able to consummate their attraction for one another, as Jill does the lord’s work and cock blocks the hell out of them. She’s sitting there eating late-night pizza, making wounded animal sounds,  and deflating Tyler’s penis, as Shanae tries to commit homicide with her mind. The way I need a spin-off show of Jill just dating in the wild. It’s not a want, but a NEED. 

Jacob is the first to misbehave. On the men’s side of town, Jacob barely hesitates before going all in with Kate. By “all in,” I mean he starts doing things with Kate in that hot tub that would break certain laws in the Midwest. 

KATE: I will take a crab and ride it into the ocean if I have to.

You’re more apt to ride him until you get crabs, but whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night. 

How is Jill handling this new development? Not well, bitch! While Jacob is well on his way to giving Kate a UTI in that hot tub, Jill is praying to her moonstones and telling us that she will “blow his dick clean off” if he messes around. I LOVE this energy. I want fire and brimstone, all dark no stars. Her wrath better create a new fucking fault line in the earth. Live your truth, Jill!

Lace returns to the beach. All episode, Lace has been succumbing to every inch of the hysteria that comes with being 32 and competing for male attention with women who still let their parents pay for their car insurance. I think Lace knows this thing with Rodney was tenuous at best, but as Serene so wisely puts it: it’s one thing to know that, and another to accept it. 

The energy Lace is giving us is full-on Victorian gothic. She is the madwoman in Rodney’s attic, and Eliza is the governess about to steal her man. After two days of languishing in bed and generating enough tears to replenish the world’s oceans, she decides she just has to know what Rodney is thinking. 

Here’s how I know Lace has already given up: she shows up to the guys’ side of the beach dressed in jean shorts. There’s nothing wrong with jean shorts, technically, but I ask you—is that the kind of outfit you wear to steal your man back? Eliza is dressed like she stepped off the Revolve runway, and Lace looks like she’s about to go to a half-priced tequila shot night at Margaritaville. 

LACE: Do you guys know what Rodney is feeling?
ANDREW: Like, is he okay? Yeah he’s okay!

Lmao, she’s not asking if he’s been left in a ditch someplace. Don’t play coy with her, Andrew. 

They tell her Rodney is on a date, but that’s all they tell her. In exchange for that information, they want to know how the original women are faring, to which Lace gives them nothing. She doesn’t tell them about their sad van ride, or the working air conditioning, or the five hotties tempting them with chicken fights in the pool. Truly hostage negotiations at play. I love it. 

And that’s all she wrote, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Rodney returns from his date with Eliza and if Lace pulls a Bertha and burns his house to the ground. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1)

Welcome back to Paradise, people! Never mind that it’s absolutely blasphemous that ABC would air any sort of summer-themed content after the fall equinox. The last thing I want to see as I nose dive directly into October (and any pumpkin flavored abomination within 50 feet of me) is a hot person in swimwear. It should be illegal. I’m ready to drown myself in flannel and oversized sweaters; I don’t need to be reminded of the shape of bodies by looking at Serene’s near perfect form for the next 4-6 weeks. ABC, why can’t you let us have this one nice thing? 

For those of you who are new to Paradise, well then, welcome to this hedonistic den of sin that ABC calls a beach! Throw all your previous Bachelor franchise knowledge out the door, because this show is none of that. Instead, be prepared to spend four hours of your week watching a singular cold sore pass through an entire population at an alarming rate. It’s like a fun human experiment, except with less science and more tequila. Far too much tequila. Let’s jump into it! 

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Very early on, I’m clued in that this season of BiP is distinctly different from the other seasons—and not just because Jesse Palmer tells us that if we listen closely enough we can still “hear the sound of crying.” No shit. The spectral energy generated from Ashley Iaconetti’s tears alone would be enough to curse the land and ensure that nothing grows above or below. 

No, that stretch of beach is being haunted by something far more sinister than just human tears. It starts with the intros. Normally the intros are a time when contestants poke fun at the serious exteriors ABC crafted for them during their runs on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Perfect examples of this are Evan Bass, the erectile dysfunction doctor, peeling a banana mockingly for the cameras, and Becca Kufrin dropping her engagement ring in a glass of champagne à la First Wives Club. Unlike when they were trying their hands at polygamy, the contestants are now fully aware of their public narratives and are playing right into them. It’s not serious; it’s all fun and games!  

But there’s nothing fun about these intros. Instead, we’re assaulted with footage that makes a great case for why God should release another divine flood. Hunter, whose one memorable quality is apparently that she suffers from gastrointestinal issues, starts the episode off by taking a staged shit. Johnny, who just left Gabby and Rachel’s season minutes ago, cannot ignore the siren call of the Floridian blood running through his veins, and begins rapping. Jacob comes out wearing only a giant banana leaf. Jill packs a stuffed version of her cat and then feeds it a bowl of cream. Shanae makes out with a shrimp. Kira the “MD” (I need to see this medical license) drinks one margarita and then takes a blowtorch to her medical career with every word that comes out of her mouth. (I will never forget watching a supposed medical professional claim to treat any ailment with a “double dose” of her breasts, and then proceed to give herself a UTI by grinding into the sand). 

One thing is clear: if, during past seasons of BiP, the contestants were in on the joke, this season they are the joke. They’ve lost all creative control over their own narratives and are now just dancing for our own demented entertainment.

Michael, the daddy-turned-zaddy, is the first to notice that something is amiss. He steps onto the beach and can feel the wrong-ness permeating from the other contestants. It’s like when Odysseus watched all his men be turned into pigs. Michael thought he would be surrounded by attractive, emotionally intelligent singles, and instead finds himself among circus animals. 

ANDREW: First impressions of everyone?
MICHAEL: …youthful.

Oh, sweetie. It will only get worse from here. 

When Crazy Met Crazier

If Michael thought the first few hours of Paradise were crazy, it’s nothing compared to the cataclysmic force of Shanae and Lace meeting each other. They’re both chaos demons in their own right, and should never have been allowed to meet. In fact, I would not be surprised if their meeting is what caused the plane to go down in Lost. Their love story may not be good for mankind, but it is certainly good for my entertainment. It’s still early, but this might be my favorite love story to come out of Paradise yet.

For those who don’t remember Lace: SHAME ON YOU for forgetting such a national treasure. Lace was on Ben Higgins’ season of The Bachelor and is representative of the kind of contestant I would be on the franchise. Drunk, hateful, eyelashes askew, and probably about to cry in 2.5 margaritas? Hello, it’s me. 

Then there’s Shanae, whose return to our television screens can only be the result of some dark séance gone awry. You can practically smell the sulfur in the air.

But like attracts like, and these two immediately gravitate toward one another. They become support systems for each other in the way that only two emotionally stunted barn animals can. When Lace is feeling down about the fact that she’s 32, and her Paradise debut happened when most of these girls were still learning how to use a tampon, Shanae is there to give her the pep talk she really didn’t need. It’s like when you coax your friend back out to the bars after she vomited on the street and took a nap in the bathroom stall. Perhaps we should let sleeping dogs stay passed out.  

Lace has never met a one-drink minimum that she didn’t obliterate, and I’m happy to see that a six-year absence from the franchise hasn’t changed her. After Shanae trickles some flat champagne down her throat to get her to rise and shine, Lace is stumbling back toward the beach, ready to feed off the life force of some unsuspecting man. Like a black widow weaving its web, she decides to lie and tell the guys that it’s her birthday as a ploy for attention. To this I say: ONLY RESPECT FOR MY PRESIDENT. My god, I love this woman. 

Does it work for her? Absolutely, if you define success as Logan calling her by the wrong name and her ending the night losing an eyelash crying in the confessionals. But it certainly worked for me and my personal enjoyment. Keep up the good work, Lace. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

Couples Alert

The sunscreen hasn’t even fully soaked into Jacob’s exposed ass cheeks before the hookups commence. Sparks are flying all over that beach. Well, it’s some combination of sparks and the obscene amount of tequila Wells is pouring down their throats. I’ll spare you the gory details, and instead give you my immediate reactions to these couplings (spoiler alert: I’m sickened).

Serene & Brandon: are kismet, I’m calling it now. They may have nothing in common beyond their poreless, perfect faces, but they are kismet nonetheless. The fates demand they procreate (or at least get to second on that day bed), lest an angel lose its wings. 

Shanae & Jacob: I’ve never seen two people who deserved each other more. It’s wild listening to a man in a loin cloth talk about how he’s here to find his future wife and then, in the next breath, worry that feeling up Shanae’s collarbone will end in a chubby. Or, as he so eloquently put it, his palm leaf may start sprouting into a full-blown tree.

Teddi & Andrew: Guys, they ain’t it. I hate to say this of my boyfriend Andrew, but this thing he has with Teddi is not cute, it’s awkward. He gets the first date card of the season, and then spends the next seven minutes of programming fumbling the English language. I have seen more romantic finesse at an eighth grade dance, and those things were pretty much just couples aggressively dry-humping to Usher while the guy tries to hide the wet spot on his khakis. They’re two hot people. This shouldn’t be so hard for them!!

Jill & Romeo & Kira: Yes, there’s already a love triangle, but I’m using the definition of that term in the loosest way possible. A love triangle implies that those involved in said triangle are desirable in some way. That is not the case here. Let me introduce the players: Jill, a woman who won’t date you if your astrological sign isn’t compatible with her cat’s; Romeo, an average-looking man with a less than average personality; and Kira, a medical professional who definitely prescribes a finger up the butt as the cure-all treatment for any ailment (again, I would like to see proof of that license).

Romeo knows Kira from college but had a “connection” with Jill before filming. Jill is worried that Kira will ruin her chances with Romeo, though I’m not sure why she feels so threatened. She seemingly had no prior knowledge of Romeo and Kira’s shared history, but she still treats Kira like a caged animal nonetheless. I can’t even verbalize the confrontation between Kira and Jill, because it makes no sense. My roommate’s dog has better conflict management skills, and her idea of gaining the upper hand in a confrontation is to hump her opponent into submission. When they finally stop screaming at each other, Jill runs off to sob in a sand dune, and Kira rebounds with Casey by rubbing his nipples until she feels something again. 

I get the impression that there is something that happened between Kira and Romeo that no one is telling Jill. There is also something that no one is telling Romeo, which is that both of these women are unhinged. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate unlikeable women (hello Lace). But Kira and Jill seem like the type who think re-enacting a Gillian Flynn novel is a fun anniversary surprise. My advice for Romeo? RUN.

Sierra & Michael; Michael may be an old dog, but you can teach him a new trick. You guys, what the fuck was Michael doing in the time between Katie’s season and Paradise? My god, that man is attractive. I did once write in a recap that Michael looks like the kind of guy whose idea of foreplay involves softly crying to Hallmark movies, and I am now walking back that statement. This is me eating crow. 

Early in the episode, he seemed alarmed by all the youths on the beach. After watching Jacob try to rub his exposed ballsack on every bikini-clad woman in his general vicinity, Michael lets out a fearful “I’m too old for this shit.” This is how I know Michael is about to end up with a 21-year-old. Case in point: he hits things off with 25-year-old Sierra, and can’t stop complimenting her skin. He’s like, “it’s so… smooth… and glowing!” WE GET IT, MICHAEL. Women your own age (38) have some waning elasticity in their faces. Must you drag us old spinsters in our 30s so publicly?! And, FYI pal, the reason why Sierra’s skin is glowing is because she’s still on her parents’ insurance. Call me when she has to start paying for her own pap smear and then we’ll talk.

On that note, I’m outtie friends! See you betches next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5)

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! As we move into week one of the two-week season finale, I only have two questions for you, readers: have you been getting yourself ready? And have you been taking the time to “prepare” yourself for the most dramatic ending yet? I know I have (and not just because on Monday I had an almost Pavlovian urge to douse myself in rosé and self-soothe to Gabby’s vocal fry). Whenever a white dude with the personality of a banana tells you to SHUT UP AND SHAPE UP in any context that isn’t CrossFit, that should send a swift chill down your spine.

Last week, Jesse Palmer sat us all down in his doomsday bunker to threaten us with a particularly upsetting season finale. The mood he created suggested that Gabby and Rachel would have to face off against live tigers before accepting marriage proposals. Or at the very least, they would have to whisper “bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror and if Chris Harrison appeared, drink in hand and slurring about the “woke police,” then they must spend another six weeks on the USS Fuckboy.

The thing is, Jesse Palmer didn’t have to suggest that some sort of sinister oracular vision was at play in predicting a bleak future for Gabby and Rachel. The numbers speak for themselves. While Rachel still has two men and a bitch baby in play, Gabby is down to her last remaining guy–and that guy has a faux hawk!!! (And a problematic history of other fashion, um, choices.) Out of Rachel’s three guys, Zach would sooner fling himself off a cliff than verbalize what happened between him and Rachel in the fantasy suite, Aven just looks confused, and Tino is still choosing to live in the alternate reality where his family wouldn’t show up to a Thanksgiving with Rachel brandishing garlic and holy water. We have working eyes and ears, Jesse. It’s clear the odds are not really in their favor! 

Which brings us to tonight. The showrunners want to emphasize that this footage is BREAKING NEWS. They even got special permission from ABC to extend the episode by 15 minutes, despite no one asking them to do so and, in fact, begging them to do the opposite.

What on earth could be left to watch next week that we couldn’t cover tonight #TheBachelorette

— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) September 14, 2022

Tonight’s episode will alternate between the finale moments in Mexico and Jesse Palmer’s live viewing party. The viewing party appears to take place in the pits of Hell, where he has summoned his denizens of flying monkeys (the crowd of sad single people and unfulfilled wives) to feed off of Gabby and Rachel’s anguish like it’s half-price wine night.

For once in her life, our favorite coastal grandma (Rachel) looks absolutely stunning. No notes. Gabby looks fine, too. This is all offset by their haunted facial expressions. These women are about to relive special moments with their supposed dream men, and they look like they’re the last two standing in a Final Destination movie. It’s at this point in the evening, as Rachel stares dead-eyed into the crowd and Gabby tries to disappear into her hair, that Jesse Palmer decides we’re ready to watch the fourth wave of feminism crumble final moments of the season. Let’s get into it!

WTF Happened In That Fantasy Suite

As I’ve mentioned, Jesse Palmer is working overtime for his Christmas bonus. He tells us that tonight we will be shocked, disgusted, and thankful that we never blacked out so thoroughly as to actually hit send on our Bachelor applications. And all of that starts with Zach’s abrupt exit from the rose ceremony. 

Up until this point, Zach was convinced Rachel was the Skipper to his Barbie. The two of them were the perfect matching set, complete with some assembly required. But after what happened in the fantasy suite, the two of them can’t even make eye contact with each other. 

Y’all. This is WEIRD. They’re speaking words, but those words aren’t adding up to the visceral reactions they’re having to each other’s bodily presence. We are definitely missing something. Zach keeps saying that Rachel wasn’t acting like herself, and Rachel keeps pretending she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I would still like to know what in the actual fuck went down in that fantasy suite. Like, what could be so bad that the two made a secret blood pact to never speak of it on screen? The meaningful eye contact they keep making has me wondering if one of them proposed eating ass and it gave the other one the ick. I can read between the lines!

Zach sees himself out, but again, there’s no formal dumping. It’s like that Spider-man meme where all the Spider-men are holding guns at each other and slowly backing away. Zach and Rachel are those Spider-men. 

Since this is The Bachelorette and the contestants are not living, breathing people, but rather the producer’s personal silly putty, Rachel and Zach must answer for their vagueness. Jesse Palmer invites Zach to the stage, where he and Rachel continue to exchange half-hearted apologies. 

RACHEL: I’m really sorry
ZACH: No, I’m really sorry
JESSE PALMER: 

THANK YOU, JESSE. Finally you’re asking the hard-hitting questions! 

Zach confirms what we were all thinking: the butt stuff got weird Rachel was trying to quiet quit their relationship. She thought she could muster up the energy for one last over-the-clothes fondling, but in the end realized she should have dumped him when he tried to impress her by ordering “uno más” tequila while dressed in head-t0-toe khaki. 

Big Tony Is In The House 

It’s time for the guys to meet Rachel’s fam or, as I like to call them, the Florida Mafia. You can’t tell me Big Tony has a day job that doesn’t involve blackmail or making cement shoes. I won’t believe it. 

Tino’s meet-and-greet is absolutely delusional, but it takes up all of seven minutes of tonight’s 2+ hour programming. Instead, ABC focuses almost entirely on Aven’s date. The signs for all of this going terribly are immediately obvious. First, Rachel shows up for this very important date dressed like she’s about to start her shift at the White Lotus. Seriously, what was her thought process in packing for Mexico?

^^Rachel on this date rn

Then, she tries to tell her family what she loves about Aven, and all she can come up with is that he’s so hot it’s upsetting. Where is the lie though?

She got one thing right at least. Aven is so hot and Big Tony is upset. Big Tony isn’t vibing with Aven AT ALL. I’m not exactly sure what Big Tony wants from him. Perhaps a big declaration of love? Weirdly, I think he expects that declaration to involve Aven challenging a camera operator to a fight for looking at Rachel too much. I mean, his lexicon is very hostile. He keeps saying things like, “No one is going to take my daughter away from me!” Sir, this isn’t that kind of program. 

Things go from bad to worse when Aven decides to speak words. Oh, sweetie. Why wouldn’t you let that face and those abs do the talking for you? It’s been working for you your whole life! Why switch things up now? While Rachel is singing his praises to her mom, gushing about how she’s had sooo many conversations about marriage and she 100% trusts him to propose in five days, Aven is telling her friends that he, um, actually would be fine with just leaving here girlfriend/boyfriend. Grab the lighter fluid, ladies; it’s time to hunt the witch. 

The thing is, I get what Aven’s saying. He’s 100% serious about Rachel, but the timing of the engagement is negotiable. All very reasonable, normal requests in real life, but this isn’t real life, buddy. This is ABC’s chocolate factory, and Rachel is the Veruca Salt demanding a golden goose of an engagement ring. She doesn’t care how, she wants it right now!

Honestly, I think I would be fine with Aven not proposing to me. I would take that man’s breadcrumbs. But to each their own! 

Rachel goes to confront him in the hotel room, and she is so tunnel-visioned on the engagement that she won’t listen to anything he has to say. I get the sense that Aven would propose in five days, even if his heart wasn’t fully into it, because his feelings are that strong for Rachel. And also, ABC is likely holding his loved ones at gunpoint off screen… but I’m sure that has nothing to do with it!  

Rachel’s tunnel-vision isn’t totally her fault, either. Traditionally, the franchise has emphasized engagements as clear measures of success. What has the Bachelorette been doing for the last six months without her family, friends, phone, or work, if she doesn’t get engaged? But this is not a normal season. These Bachelorettes have had half as much time as as other leads to get to know their men. For almost a quarter of the journey, these guys were dating both women. Maybe an engagement shouldn’t be the measure for success this season. Maybe it should never be again. 

But don’t tell Rachel that—she’s still going on and on about how hurt her feelings are and how embarrassed she was in front of her family. Oh, sweetie. You’re on The Bachelorette. I think they were already embarrassed for you. 

They go back and forth for a while before Rachel eventually sends Aven home. This would be a good time to mention that I would like Aven to be the next Bachelor. He’s hot, he’s age appropriate, he’s hot… need I say more? Of course, this is something that I want and ABC has done nothing but take steaming piles of shit on my personal desires. While I, and any living creature with a heartbeat, can see that casting Aven as the Bachelor is a no-brainer, I’m sure ABC will gift it to some loser from five seasons ago. We can never have a nice thing. 

“He’s a Little Shit, But I Like Him!”

Gabby gets a whopping 20 minutes of the episode, 15 of which are just ABC fan-girling over Grandpa John. Look, I get it. The man is adorable. The reason why he’s sitting down right now is because he’s been carrying the franchise on his back for the last year of Gabby’s Bachelor/Bachelorette reign. But the fanfare over this grandfather is getting to be a little much. At this point, ABC is all but asking him to sign their tits. It’s embarrassing. At least pretend to have a narrative arc in mind for Gabby’s segment of the show. 

Speaking of Gabby, Erich absolutely kills it with her family. It goes so well that Gabby’s aunt even encourages her to be her full, vulnerable self with him. She’s like, “Don’t be afraid to show him how much of an emotional hurricane you really are!” I don’t know, Gabs, you want to save something for the honeymoon. I’m not introducing my forever guy to the internal FEMA that takes place every time I’m mildly inconvenienced unless he’s legally bound to me. That’s just good business.  

Gabby is on cloud nine. She’s ready to get engaged, and Erich is ready to propose… right? RIGHT?! Just to double check (the foundation of the hotel has been shaking all day after Rachel’s uncontrollable sobbing registered more seismic activity than a magnitude 8 earthquake), she heads to Erich’s hotel room. She wants to make sure that the blood oath Erich took with ABC still stands, and he is READY for an engagement. 

GABBY: I don’t want to put pressure on me or you or this relationship
ALSO GABBY:

And boy, is Erich ready to propose. Ready to propose… that they just date after the finale. What the fuck is going on this season? Did the men make a secret pact off-camera to refuse an engagement? Is the work of an anti-engagement union? Is Nick Viall the union rep?

This is unprecedented behavior. Sure, every few seasons we get a singular guy who isn’t ready to get engaged to a total stranger after six weeks. But this season, we’re five days away from a proposal and not one, not two, not three, but FOUR GUYS are refusing to get married at the end of this thing. The audacity of these men. Go on Love Island if you want to fuck around! I don’t have time for it. 

Thank you, ABC, for extending the show eight extra minutes so we could bear witness to that footage! Now, instead of going to bed mildly depressed, I can spend the evening lying awake, staring into the dark abyss that is our life and dating culture. Truly, I needed that. 

Until next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); Giphy (4)