The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: No, Seriously, What’s In Those Margaritas?

Welcome back to Paradise, people! Never mind that it’s absolutely blasphemous that ABC would air any sort of summer-themed content after the fall equinox. The last thing I want to see as I nose dive directly into October (and any pumpkin flavored abomination within 50 feet of me) is a hot person in swimwear. It should be illegal. I’m ready to drown myself in flannel and oversized sweaters; I don’t need to be reminded of the shape of bodies by looking at Serene’s near perfect form for the next 4-6 weeks. ABC, why can’t you let us have this one nice thing? 

For those of you who are new to Paradise, well then, welcome to this hedonistic den of sin that ABC calls a beach! Throw all your previous Bachelor franchise knowledge out the door, because this show is none of that. Instead, be prepared to spend four hours of your week watching a singular cold sore pass through an entire population at an alarming rate. It’s like a fun human experiment, except with less science and more tequila. Far too much tequila. Let’s jump into it! 

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Very early on, I’m clued in that this season of BiP is distinctly different from the other seasons—and not just because Jesse Palmer tells us that if we listen closely enough we can still “hear the sound of crying.” No shit. The spectral energy generated from Ashley Iaconetti’s tears alone would be enough to curse the land and ensure that nothing grows above or below. 


No, that stretch of beach is being haunted by something far more sinister than just human tears. It starts with the intros. Normally the intros are a time when contestants poke fun at the serious exteriors ABC crafted for them during their runs on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Perfect examples of this are Evan Bass, the erectile dysfunction doctor, peeling a banana mockingly for the cameras, and Becca Kufrin dropping her engagement ring in a glass of champagne à la First Wives Club. Unlike when they were trying their hands at polygamy, the contestants are now fully aware of their public narratives and are playing right into them. It’s not serious; it’s all fun and games!  

But there’s nothing fun about these intros. Instead, we’re assaulted with footage that makes a great case for why God should release another divine flood. Hunter, whose one memorable quality is apparently that she suffers from gastrointestinal issues, starts the episode off by taking a staged shit. Johnny, who just left Gabby and Rachel’s season minutes ago, cannot ignore the siren call of the Floridian blood running through his veins, and begins rapping. Jacob comes out wearing only a giant banana leaf. Jill packs a stuffed version of her cat and then feeds it a bowl of cream. Shanae makes out with a shrimp. Kira the “MD” (I need to see this medical license) drinks one margarita and then takes a blowtorch to her medical career with every word that comes out of her mouth. (I will never forget watching a supposed medical professional claim to treat any ailment with a “double dose” of her breasts, and then proceed to give herself a UTI by grinding into the sand). 

One thing is clear: if, during past seasons of BiP, the contestants were in on the joke, this season they are the joke. They’ve lost all creative control over their own narratives and are now just dancing for our own demented entertainment.

Michael, the daddy-turned-zaddy, is the first to notice that something is amiss. He steps onto the beach and can feel the wrong-ness permeating from the other contestants. It’s like when Odysseus watched all his men be turned into pigs. Michael thought he would be surrounded by attractive, emotionally intelligent singles, and instead finds himself among circus animals. 

ANDREW: First impressions of everyone?
MICHAEL: …youthful.

Oh, sweetie. It will only get worse from here. 

When Crazy Met Crazier

If Michael thought the first few hours of Paradise were crazy, it’s nothing compared to the cataclysmic force of Shanae and Lace meeting each other. They’re both chaos demons in their own right, and should never have been allowed to meet. In fact, I would not be surprised if their meeting is what caused the plane to go down in LostTheir love story may not be good for mankind, but it is certainly good for my entertainment. It’s still early, but this might be my favorite love story to come out of Paradise yet.

For those who don’t remember Lace: SHAME ON YOU for forgetting such a national treasure. Lace was on Ben Higgins’ season of The Bachelor and is representative of the kind of contestant I would be on the franchise. Drunk, hateful, eyelashes askew, and probably about to cry in 2.5 margaritas? Hello, it’s me. 

Then there’s Shanae, whose return to our television screens can only be the result of some dark séance gone awry. You can practically smell the sulfur in the air.

But like attracts like, and these two immediately gravitate toward one another. They become support systems for each other in the way that only two emotionally stunted barn animals can. When Lace is feeling down about the fact that she’s 32, and her Paradise debut happened when most of these girls were still learning how to use a tampon, Shanae is there to give her the pep talk she really didn’t need. It’s like when you coax your friend back out to the bars after she vomited on the street and took a nap in the bathroom stall. Perhaps we should let sleeping dogs stay passed out.  

Lace has never met a one-drink minimum that she didn’t obliterate, and I’m happy to see that a six-year absence from the franchise hasn’t changed her. After Shanae trickles some flat champagne down her throat to get her to rise and shine, Lace is stumbling back toward the beach, ready to feed off the life force of some unsuspecting man. Like a black widow weaving its web, she decides to lie and tell the guys that it’s her birthday as a ploy for attention. To this I say: ONLY RESPECT FOR MY PRESIDENT. My god, I love this woman. 

Does it work for her? Absolutely, if you define success as Logan calling her by the wrong name and her ending the night losing an eyelash crying in the confessionals. But it certainly worked for me and my personal enjoyment. Keep up the good work, Lace. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

Couples Alert

The sunscreen hasn’t even fully soaked into Jacob’s exposed ass cheeks before the hookups commence. Sparks are flying all over that beach. Well, it’s some combination of sparks and the obscene amount of tequila Wells is pouring down their throats. I’ll spare you the gory details, and instead give you my immediate reactions to these couplings (spoiler alert: I’m sickened).

Serene & Brandon: are kismet, I’m calling it now. They may have nothing in common beyond their poreless, perfect faces, but they are kismet nonetheless. The fates demand they procreate (or at least get to second on that day bed), lest an angel lose its wings. 

Shanae & Jacob: I’ve never seen two people who deserved each other more. It’s wild listening to a man in a loin cloth talk about how he’s here to find his future wife and then, in the next breath, worry that feeling up Shanae’s collarbone will end in a chubby. Or, as he so eloquently put it, his palm leaf may start sprouting into a full-blown tree.

Teddi & Andrew: Guys, they ain’t it. I hate to say this of my boyfriend Andrew, but this thing he has with Teddi is not cute, it’s awkward. He gets the first date card of the season, and then spends the next seven minutes of programming fumbling the English language. I have seen more romantic finesse at an eighth grade dance, and those things were pretty much just couples aggressively dry-humping to Usher while the guy tries to hide the wet spot on his khakis. They’re two hot people. This shouldn’t be so hard for them!!

Jill & Romeo & Kira: Yes, there’s already a love triangle, but I’m using the definition of that term in the loosest way possible. A love triangle implies that those involved in said triangle are desirable in some way. That is not the case here. Let me introduce the players: Jill, a woman who won’t date you if your astrological sign isn’t compatible with her cat’s; Romeo, an average-looking man with a less than average personality; and Kira, a medical professional who definitely prescribes a finger up the butt as the cure-all treatment for any ailment (again, I would like to see proof of that license).

Romeo knows Kira from college but had a “connection” with Jill before filming. Jill is worried that Kira will ruin her chances with Romeo, though I’m not sure why she feels so threatened. She seemingly had no prior knowledge of Romeo and Kira’s shared history, but she still treats Kira like a caged animal nonetheless. I can’t even verbalize the confrontation between Kira and Jill, because it makes no sense. My roommate’s dog has better conflict management skills, and her idea of gaining the upper hand in a confrontation is to hump her opponent into submission. When they finally stop screaming at each other, Jill runs off to sob in a sand dune, and Kira rebounds with Casey by rubbing his nipples until she feels something again. 

I get the impression that there is something that happened between Kira and Romeo that no one is telling Jill. There is also something that no one is telling Romeo, which is that both of these women are unhinged. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate unlikeable women (hello Lace). But Kira and Jill seem like the type who think re-enacting a Gillian Flynn novel is a fun anniversary surprise. My advice for Romeo? RUN.

Sierra & Michael; Michael may be an old dog, but you can teach him a new trick. You guys, what the fuck was Michael doing in the time between Katie’s season and Paradise? My god, that man is attractive. I did once write in a recap that Michael looks like the kind of guy whose idea of foreplay involves softly crying to Hallmark movies, and I am now walking back that statement. This is me eating crow. 

Early in the episode, he seemed alarmed by all the youths on the beach. After watching Jacob try to rub his exposed ballsack on every bikini-clad woman in his general vicinity, Michael lets out a fearful “I’m too old for this shit.” This is how I know Michael is about to end up with a 21-year-old. Case in point: he hits things off with 25-year-old Sierra, and can’t stop complimenting her skin. He’s like, “it’s so… smooth… and glowing!” WE GET IT, MICHAEL. Women your own age (38) have some waning elasticity in their faces. Must you drag us old spinsters in our 30s so publicly?! And, FYI pal, the reason why Sierra’s skin is glowing is because she’s still on her parents’ insurance. Call me when she has to start paying for her own pap smear and then we’ll talk.

On that note, I’m outtie friends! See you betches next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Can’t We Just Date?

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! As we move into week one of the two-week season finale, I only have two questions for you, readers: have you been getting yourself ready? And have you been taking the time to “prepare” yourself for the most dramatic ending yet? I know I have (and not just because on Monday I had an almost Pavlovian urge to douse myself in rosé and self-soothe to Gabby’s vocal fry). Whenever a white dude with the personality of a banana tells you to SHUT UP AND SHAPE UP in any context that isn’t CrossFit, that should send a swift chill down your spine.

Last week, Jesse Palmer sat us all down in his doomsday bunker to threaten us with a particularly upsetting season finale. The mood he created suggested that Gabby and Rachel would have to face off against live tigers before accepting marriage proposals. Or at the very least, they would have to whisper “bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror and if Chris Harrison appeared, drink in hand and slurring about the “woke police,” then they must spend another six weeks on the USS Fuckboy.

The thing is, Jesse Palmer didn’t have to suggest that some sort of sinister oracular vision was at play in predicting a bleak future for Gabby and Rachel. The numbers speak for themselves. While Rachel still has two men and a bitch baby in play, Gabby is down to her last remaining guy–and that guy has a faux hawk!!! (And a problematic history of other fashion, um, choices.) Out of Rachel’s three guys, Zach would sooner fling himself off a cliff than verbalize what happened between him and Rachel in the fantasy suite, Aven just looks confused, and Tino is still choosing to live in the alternate reality where his family wouldn’t show up to a Thanksgiving with Rachel brandishing garlic and holy water. We have working eyes and ears, Jesse. It’s clear the odds are not really in their favor! 

Which brings us to tonight. The showrunners want to emphasize that this footage is BREAKING NEWS. They even got special permission from ABC to extend the episode by 15 minutes, despite no one asking them to do so and, in fact, begging them to do the opposite.

What on earth could be left to watch next week that we couldn’t cover tonight #TheBachelorette

— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) September 14, 2022

Tonight’s episode will alternate between the finale moments in Mexico and Jesse Palmer’s live viewing party. The viewing party appears to take place in the pits of Hell, where he has summoned his denizens of flying monkeys (the crowd of sad single people and unfulfilled wives) to feed off of Gabby and Rachel’s anguish like it’s half-price wine night.

For once in her life, our favorite coastal grandma (Rachel) looks absolutely stunning. No notes. Gabby looks fine, too. This is all offset by their haunted facial expressions. These women are about to relive special moments with their supposed dream men, and they look like they’re the last two standing in a Final Destination movie. It’s at this point in the evening, as Rachel stares dead-eyed into the crowd and Gabby tries to disappear into her hair, that Jesse Palmer decides we’re ready to watch the fourth wave of feminism crumble final moments of the season. Let’s get into it!

WTF Happened In That Fantasy Suite

As I’ve mentioned, Jesse Palmer is working overtime for his Christmas bonus. He tells us that tonight we will be shocked, disgusted, and thankful that we never blacked out so thoroughly as to actually hit send on our Bachelor applications. And all of that starts with Zach’s abrupt exit from the rose ceremony. 

Up until this point, Zach was convinced Rachel was the Skipper to his Barbie. The two of them were the perfect matching set, complete with some assembly required. But after what happened in the fantasy suite, the two of them can’t even make eye contact with each other. 

Y’all. This is WEIRD. They’re speaking words, but those words aren’t adding up to the visceral reactions they’re having to each other’s bodily presence. We are definitely missing something. Zach keeps saying that Rachel wasn’t acting like herself, and Rachel keeps pretending she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I would still like to know what in the actual fuck went down in that fantasy suite. Like, what could be so bad that the two made a secret blood pact to never speak of it on screen? The meaningful eye contact they keep making has me wondering if one of them proposed eating ass and it gave the other one the ick. I can read between the lines!

Zach sees himself out, but again, there’s no formal dumping. It’s like that Spider-man meme where all the Spider-men are holding guns at each other and slowly backing away. Zach and Rachel are those Spider-men. 

Since this is The Bachelorette and the contestants are not living, breathing people, but rather the producer’s personal silly putty, Rachel and Zach must answer for their vagueness. Jesse Palmer invites Zach to the stage, where he and Rachel continue to exchange half-hearted apologies. 

RACHEL: I’m really sorry
ZACH: No, I’m really sorry
JESSE PALMER: 

THANK YOU, JESSE. Finally you’re asking the hard-hitting questions! 

Zach confirms what we were all thinking: the butt stuff got weird Rachel was trying to quiet quit their relationship. She thought she could muster up the energy for one last over-the-clothes fondling, but in the end realized she should have dumped him when he tried to impress her by ordering “uno más” tequila while dressed in head-t0-toe khaki. 

Big Tony Is In The House 

It’s time for the guys to meet Rachel’s fam or, as I like to call them, the Florida Mafia. You can’t tell me Big Tony has a day job that doesn’t involve blackmail or making cement shoes. I won’t believe it. 

Tino’s meet-and-greet is absolutely delusional, but it takes up all of seven minutes of tonight’s 2+ hour programming. Instead, ABC focuses almost entirely on Aven’s date. The signs for all of this going terribly are immediately obvious. First, Rachel shows up for this very important date dressed like she’s about to start her shift at the White Lotus. Seriously, what was her thought process in packing for Mexico?

^^Rachel on this date rn

Then, she tries to tell her family what she loves about Aven, and all she can come up with is that he’s so hot it’s upsetting. Where is the lie though?

She got one thing right at least. Aven is so hot and Big Tony is upset. Big Tony isn’t vibing with Aven AT ALL. I’m not exactly sure what Big Tony wants from him. Perhaps a big declaration of love? Weirdly, I think he expects that declaration to involve Aven challenging a camera operator to a fight for looking at Rachel too much. I mean, his lexicon is very hostile. He keeps saying things like, “No one is going to take my daughter away from me!” Sir, this isn’t that kind of program. 

Things go from bad to worse when Aven decides to speak words. Oh, sweetie. Why wouldn’t you let that face and those abs do the talking for you? It’s been working for you your whole life! Why switch things up now? While Rachel is singing his praises to her mom, gushing about how she’s had sooo many conversations about marriage and she 100% trusts him to propose in five days, Aven is telling her friends that he, um, actually would be fine with just leaving here girlfriend/boyfriend. Grab the lighter fluid, ladies; it’s time to hunt the witch. 

The thing is, I get what Aven’s saying. He’s 100% serious about Rachel, but the timing of the engagement is negotiable. All very reasonable, normal requests in real life, but this isn’t real life, buddy. This is ABC’s chocolate factory, and Rachel is the Veruca Salt demanding a golden goose of an engagement ring. She doesn’t care how, she wants it right now!

Honestly, I think I would be fine with Aven not proposing to me. I would take that man’s breadcrumbs. But to each their own! 

Rachel goes to confront him in the hotel room, and she is so tunnel-visioned on the engagement that she won’t listen to anything he has to say. I get the sense that Aven would propose in five days, even if his heart wasn’t fully into it, because his feelings are that strong for Rachel. And also, ABC is likely holding his loved ones at gunpoint off screen… but I’m sure that has nothing to do with it!  

Rachel’s tunnel-vision isn’t totally her fault, either. Traditionally, the franchise has emphasized engagements as clear measures of success. What has the Bachelorette been doing for the last six months without her family, friends, phone, or work, if she doesn’t get engaged? But this is not a normal season. These Bachelorettes have had half as much time as as other leads to get to know their men. For almost a quarter of the journey, these guys were dating both women. Maybe an engagement shouldn’t be the measure for success this season. Maybe it should never be again. 

But don’t tell Rachel that—she’s still going on and on about how hurt her feelings are and how embarrassed she was in front of her family. Oh, sweetie. You’re on The Bachelorette. I think they were already embarrassed for you. 

They go back and forth for a while before Rachel eventually sends Aven home. This would be a good time to mention that I would like Aven to be the next Bachelor. He’s hot, he’s age appropriate, he’s hot… need I say more? Of course, this is something that I want and ABC has done nothing but take steaming piles of shit on my personal desires. While I, and any living creature with a heartbeat, can see that casting Aven as the Bachelor is a no-brainer, I’m sure ABC will gift it to some loser from five seasons ago. We can never have a nice thing. 

“He’s a Little Shit, But I Like Him!”

Gabby gets a whopping 20 minutes of the episode, 15 of which are just ABC fan-girling over Grandpa John. Look, I get it. The man is adorable. The reason why he’s sitting down right now is because he’s been carrying the franchise on his back for the last year of Gabby’s Bachelor/Bachelorette reign. But the fanfare over this grandfather is getting to be a little much. At this point, ABC is all but asking him to sign their tits. It’s embarrassing. At least pretend to have a narrative arc in mind for Gabby’s segment of the show. 

Speaking of Gabby, Erich absolutely kills it with her family. It goes so well that Gabby’s aunt even encourages her to be her full, vulnerable self with him. She’s like, “Don’t be afraid to show him how much of an emotional hurricane you really are!” I don’t know, Gabs, you want to save something for the honeymoon. I’m not introducing my forever guy to the internal FEMA that takes place every time I’m mildly inconvenienced unless he’s legally bound to me. That’s just good business.  

Gabby is on cloud nine. She’s ready to get engaged, and Erich is ready to propose… right? RIGHT?! Just to double check (the foundation of the hotel has been shaking all day after Rachel’s uncontrollable sobbing registered more seismic activity than a magnitude 8 earthquake), she heads to Erich’s hotel room. She wants to make sure that the blood oath Erich took with ABC still stands, and he is READY for an engagement. 

GABBY: I don’t want to put pressure on me or you or this relationship
ALSO GABBY:

And boy, is Erich ready to propose. Ready to propose… that they just date after the finale. What the fuck is going on this season? Did the men make a secret pact off-camera to refuse an engagement? Is the work of an anti-engagement union? Is Nick Viall the union rep?

This is unprecedented behavior. Sure, every few seasons we get a singular guy who isn’t ready to get engaged to a total stranger after six weeks. But this season, we’re five days away from a proposal and not one, not two, not three, but FOUR GUYS are refusing to get married at the end of this thing. The audacity of these men. Go on Love Island if you want to fuck around! I don’t have time for it. 

Thank you, ABC, for extending the show eight extra minutes so we could bear witness to that footage! Now, instead of going to bed mildly depressed, I can spend the evening lying awake, staring into the dark abyss that is our life and dating culture. Truly, I needed that. 

Until next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); Giphy (4)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Waste My Time, ABC, You Know How That Thrills Me

Welcome back to your favorite Bachelorette recap! Last week, Gabby and Rachel headed home with their men and it was… certainly something. Give these ladies a Purple Hearts, because they have seen some shit. Gabby spent a harrowing 24 hours in both Florida and New Orleans, while Rachel faced off for Middle Earth with Tino’s dad and discovered that Tyler’s entrepreneurial ventures amounted to renting a Ms. Pac-Man machine somewhere on a boardwalk in New Jersey. 

But if you thought there would be any sort of resolution from hometowns, think again, because this week ABC is delighting us with two hours of men explaining things to us. As if that isn’t my whole damn life, but carry on. Be prepared to watch a room full of America’s supposed “eligible bachelors” remind us why therapy is important. There will be screaming, there will be yelling, there will be Meatball refusing to tell us his legal name. Let’s get into it! 

Hometown #7: Aven In Salem, Massachusetts

Before the men fight it out gladiator-style for relevancy and Instagram followers, we’ve got to round out hometowns with Aven’s date in Salem, Massachusetts. This should be fun. I can’t think of a better spot to foster deep, romantic feelings than the first place in American history where men fucked over women en masse. 

Rachel seems worried that their relationship is as cursed as Aven’s bloodline. He mentioned several episodes back that his parents have never liked the girls he’s brought home to meet them. She doesn’t want his parents to hate her. She actually can’t have his parents hate her. Tino’s dad is already demanding a lot from her. He wants her to write a 500-word essay, written in her own blood, on why she likes his son, and then to track down Voldemort’s seven horcruxes. She can’t take on any more parental hostility at the moment. 

I shouldn’t have worried, because Aven has been thinking about ways they can ensure his parents root for their love story. What does his rock-solid plan entail? A visit to see the “Love Witch”, of course!

RACHEL IN THIS WICCAN STORE RN: 

I’ve never seen Rachel’s face light up quite like at the mention of half-priced crystals. Of course Rachel is into crystals. That is the most white girl shit I’ve ever heard. I worry she’s also the type that needs to consult her psychic before making basic adult decisions. 

The Love Witch wants to do a love spell, because nothing says “unbreakable bond” like words chanted directly from an Urban Outfitters basic bitchcraft spell book. As if the universe can sense a white girl trying to change her fate, Rachel’s good vibes come crashing down—along with the table carrying the weight of their spell. I love that their love spell just chose to spontaneously combust rather than enter the world. Not a good sign, girlie. Your moon isn’t even rising right now!

Next up: meeting the parents. My first reaction upon seeing Aven’s parents is that the Wiccan store/love spell date suddenly makes so much more sense. His mom is definitely the type to charge her moonstones. It’s also incredibly obvious how his parents ended up divorced. Aven’s dad is the type to talk about how romance is more than fancy dinners and romantic trips, and Aven’s mom is a woman in her 50s with a nose ring. The one thing they agree on is that they support their son and, begrudgingly, Rachel. But don’t worry, Aven’s mom is already communing with the spirits to bless their union with happiness and a prosperous lineage of women. Aven’s dad will be ready and waiting with the divorce lawyer. 

The Men Tell All… Or At Least, Whatever Their Brand Partners Allow In Between Breaks Of Their SponCon

What occurs next is a 90-minute montage of ads, trailers, and promotions. The last time someone was selling me something this hard, I accidentally liked my sorority sister’s IG story about her CBD business. Suddenly, the Euro trip budget makes so much more sense. Here I thought ABC’s bountiful budget was the result of the showrunners performing a human sacrifice of their least lucrative Bachelor contestants. Instead, it appears to be the result of ABC selling what little soul it has left to any advertiser willing to shill out for prime Tell All real estate. So, in a sense, they are still performing a sacrifice, just of our remaining brain cells. 

No one is earning their paycheck more than Jesse Palmer. After spending an entire season practically being green-screened into each episode, the man is front and center for tonight’s Tell All. He tells us that we won’t get a rose ceremony tonight (all the men apparently make it to Fantasy Suites). He can’t be bothered to air that footage when he’s got Meatball in front of a studio audience ready to lather himself in marinara sauce. 

I cannot emphasize enough how little tea is spilled. By all means, ABC, waste my time. You know how that thrills me. I’ll spare you the monotonous details and give you the highlights:

Jacob: Jacob was the guy this season who looked like he would have banged your mom the summer he lifeguarded at your neighborhood pool. He also told Gabby (to her face!) that she is the last woman on earth he would date. Him! A man whose entire sexual appeal is affixed to the tiny bun he wears on his head! Because of his faux pas, he spends the Tell All doing major image rehab. He seems sincere enough. I mean, it’s not often that you witness a man say “I was wrong” without immediately adding the caveat of “BUT” to his statement. He says that he shouldn’t have disregarded Gabby’s feelings. He also says that he’s trying to change. His black silk shirt says otherwise, but I suppose only time (and a free Mexican vacation) will tell if the change holds.

Roby: Roby came to the Tell All dressed in full Draco Malfoy cosplay. Roby, you’ll recall, was the magician Gabby and Rachel eliminated on night one because, well, come on. If they wanted to introduce their parents to an adult magician, they would have continued to online date. He does have one great line from the Tell All. After giving us his opinion on the romantic flip-floppers of this season, he dramatically screams “You need to grow some balls, Meatball!” How long do we think he was workshopping that?

Hayden: Hayden, a man who used the story of his dying dog as an excuse for calling the Bachelorettes “bitches”, refused to come to The Men Tell All. Imagine that. He preferred not to be burned at the stake by a crowd full of women drunk off complimentary champagne. Honestly, the odds weren’t in his favor. We’ll always have my fantasy!

Logan: If we can’t tar and feather Hayden, Jesse Palmer will just have to move on to his next human sacrifice: Logan. But even that public roasting lacks drama. Logan basically denies any wrongdoing and after two minutes of benign push-back, he ends his time in the hot seat by announcing his spot on Paradise. So, let me get this straight. The man plays with the emotions of a hot nurse and a hot pilot like the Bachelor mansion is his own goddamn Chuck E. Cheese, and he gets rewarded with a free trip to Mexico? This is what you’re telling me??

 

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Nate: If anything, Nate spends the most time in the hot seat. Jesse holds his feet over the fire for a whole five minutes while he grills him on social media rumors. Allegedly, prior to coming on the show, Nate had dated two girls at the same time, one of whom he dated for a year and a half and never even told he had a daughter. Just when I was starting to think men should be allowed to breathe the same air as me, they go and prove me wrong again. Smdh. To his credit, he does come clean about the rumors. He says it was all true, but he was a different man then. He didn’t even have an Instagram sponsorship yet! Oh, Nate. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!

Meatball: If you thought the episode wouldn’t end with Meatball rolling his body through a Slip ‘N Slide of marinara sauce, well, think again. I’ve seen a lot of shit during these Tell Alls, but the sight of Chef Boyardee rolling down Meatball’s newly-waxed chest is a thing that will haunt my nightmares indefinitely. *shudders*

And that’s all she wrote, kids! Seriously, there is nothing else to write. Feel grateful that you were not contractually obligated to sit through two hours of trailers and commercials for the sake of “content.” Until next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Rambo Is That Bitch You Have To Worry About

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! When last we left off, the ladies had just been served a slice of humble pie. Well, not so much “served a slice” as had the entire thing slammed in their faces repeatedly by a guy in a man bun who lives life nipples first, but you get the gist. It’s clear now that the inmates are fully running the asylum. More than that, the Bachelor producers are totally fine with the foundation of this show crumbling to the ground so long as enough chaos (and tears) ensues in the process. Ladies, repeat after me: men. ain’t. SHIT. 

Speaking of men and shit, apparently Meatball gets to live another day on our television screens! What a treat! I was just thinking that a guy whose entire personality is a subpar potluck appetizer really deserves to find love. Thank god for second chances! 

Meatball isn’t the only one getting a second chance this season. Gabby and Rachel are getting a second chance at love along with actual rules with which to govern their seasons. Amazing. There are now two teams: Team Gabby and Team Rachel. Each team of men will only be allowed to date their appointed coach (Gabby or Rachel, but not both). Did the men get any say in which team they were traded to? Absolutely not. There’s no crying in baseball. Each week, filming will be on parallel timelines: two one-on-one dates, two group dates, two rose ceremonies, two more glasses of wine that I will need to consume. 

Problem solved, right? Wrong. ABC never solves problems, people!! They only make them worse. No one is feeling the brunt of ABC’s bad decision making more than Rachel. During last week’s rose ceremony, multiple men refused her rose in favor of trying their luck with Gabby. Let me say that again: multiple men refused the rose of a sitting Bachelorette. That has never happened in the entire history of The Bachelorette. That’s sort of the whole point of this show is that the women can’t get rejected. This is a safe space for them to cultivate love and, as Rachel puts it, “feel chosen.” Refusing a rose is the opposite of feeling chosen—and it forces the very fabric of what makes this show work, what makes it entertaining and watchable, to start fraying at the seams. 

Sadly, this week doesn’t get any better for Rachel. At one point Rachel even says that Clayton—the worst Bachelor to ever pollute our television screens—treated her with more love and affection than these men vying for her attention. Woof. That is bleak. Though she has a romantic one-on-one date with Tino (more on that later) the group date and rose ceremony were dismal, to say the least. And, if next week’s teaser is any indication, this is only the beginning. 

On that cheerful note, let’s dive into the episode…

Falling In Louvre

After last week’s fuckups, ABC knew they had to give the women two things to salvage this journey: they had to give them rules and they had to give them Paris. It’s the same strategy Mary-Kate and Ashley’s parents used in Passport to Paris when they wanted their 13-year-olds to get off the head-sets please and broaden their cultural horizons. What I’m saying is, this plan has documented success and can absolutely not go wrong.

It’s actually wild that they filmed in Paris. Usually when the host proclaims that they’re going to “a city famous for romance,” they end up in, like, Cincinnati. But of course, ABC does not know how to let us have a nice thing. The gang might be going to Paris, but they’re staying on—wait for it—a cruise ship! So, they’re not so much “going to Paris” as they are going to stay on a giant floating toilet in a body of water somewhere near Paris. 

JESSE PALMER: Anchors up! Welcome aboard!
ME: *hisses* you uncultured swine

To capitalize on the Paris momentum, ABC starts the week off with the more romantic dates. The ladies have one-on-one dates planned with Tino (Team Rachel) and Jason (Team Gabby) and the results are a chaotic 20 minutes of the camera crew trying to find narrative structures during two very dissimilar dates. 

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Gabby and Rachel are not the same kind of girl. Nor are they girls with very much in common aside from the trauma bond of having to date Clayton on national television. Rachel is much more of a big picture romantic. She wants grand gestures and flowery declarations. Gabby is more of a laid-back goofball. She thrives on the small moments and lets the serious conversations happen more naturally (if at all). Because of this, Rachel’s date has the vibe and narrative structure of an Audrey Hepburn movie, while Gabby’s has the vibe and narrative structure of Emily in Paris.

For example, as Rachel and Tino make out in a rain-soaked street, Gabby and Jason get their foreheads sized for berets (“I’m a size small?? Yay!!”) and get drunk off wine they can’t pronounce. Meanwhile, ABC is grappling to make these dates seem as if they can exist in the same thematic universe. The result is b-roll that feels Mod Podged at best; the only thing holding it together is the same score of swelling music. 

I will say that Tino and Rachel have palpable chemistry. Rachel even admits—out loud and to Tino’s face!!—that she “really likes” him. And she wasn’t even being held at knifepoint or anything! Willingly expressing genuine human emotion is something I could only do under the duress of torture, and even then I might prefer the waterboarding. Good for you, sweetie!

But Gabby’s date moves a little slower than Rachel’s. She doesn’t immediately click with Jason and wants to know if there’s anything deeper to him. Gabby keeps saying that Jason is “reserved,” but is it that or is he just not interested? “Reserved” seems like a nice way of saying he’s a blank canvas on which we can project anything onto. Convenient, no?

When Gabby confronts Jason about his quietness, he admits that this process has been really hard on him. Why? He has tennis trauma. Tennis. Trauma. Do not ask me for details, I blacked out halfway through his spiel. It’s not that I don’t believe him, but it did feel a little like he was ad-libbing a sob story for the cameras. 

Where Jason wins me over, though, is his reaction to Gabby’s own traumatic past. Jason seems genuinely empathetic when Gabby talks about her relationship with her mother. If you’ll recall, Erich’s reaction was to pray his dinner plate was some sort of Portkey that might transport him to the Triwizard Tournament (or really, any place where he wouldn’t have to console a human woman). In comparison, Jason’s reaction is downright heroic (the bar was so high, I know). Erich, take notes. 

What’s French For “This Is Totally Fucked”?

The group dates are where things start to go off the rails for Rachel. She had a nice time with Tino but she forgot that good guys are the exception, not the rule. Oh, honey. We’ve all been there. 

The first blow occurs during Gabby’s group date. As I mentioned earlier, there are two group dates this week, one for each woman. Unlike the one-on-one dates, Paris will not allow any more “dates” to take place on Her soil. I guess the berets thing was Her line in the sand. She really said, “you can bring one man to shore and THAT’S IT.” 

It’s hard to say what Gabby’s group date even is. There is some sort of boxing element, though the men are doing a fair amount of grandstanding as well. Most of the guys dedicate their fights to Gabby with long-winded speeches that make me want to disintegrate into my couch I’m so embarrassed for them. I hate when ABC makes them seriously fight. This is Paris. Can we not just poke each other with baguettes on the banks of the Seine like CIVILIZED PEOPLE DO?!

And what is Rachel doing during all of this? Watching. That’s right, they make Rachel and her team of guys watch Gabby get serenaded for an afternoon. Do any of Rachel’s men think to serenade Rachel as well? Well, that would require them to use their two remaining brain cells.

As Rachel watches guy after guy shower Gabby with praise and adoration, the camera catches every break in her face. I don’t know why production would think this would be fun for Rachel. After all, until a few days ago some of these guys were still vying for her. It probably stings to suddenly watch them acting in love with her friend.

After the match, Rachel gives the men a verbal spanking, and it is…

She pulled the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” line and executed it flawlessly. There’s nothing men respond more to than being called disappointments. They don’t want crying or loud confrontations. They want a woman who weirdly reminds them of their mom scolding them in a sports bra. 

At this moment it’s clear that there are two different Bachelorette journeys happening this season. One woman (Gabby) is on a journey to find love. The other woman (Rachel) is running the gauntlet of Dante’s Inferno. Like, Frodo encountered less strife on his journey to the fiery pits of Mordor than Rachel has to endure in one episode. 

After she begs eight men to pay attention to her, ABC sends her on a group date that could double as a season plot line for American Horror Story. The French are going to instruct Team Rachel on the art of seduction. I was expecting them to rub feathers down Rachel’s skin or learn how to write her sonnets. No, apparently France’s idea of “seduction” aligns more with the goings on in a middle school boys’ locker room.

What comes next is a testament to Rachel’s enduring human spirit. She watches as the guys—one of whom she may have to publicly claim in a few weeks—make out with their fists. Then the French blindfold Rachel, spin her around like a piñata, and thrust her face into the armpit of the nearest man. Tell me this isn’t some kind of biblical-level trial of the soul. 

Rachel, sweetie, it’s not too late to run. Get out while you still have some semblance of your dignity intact!!

Rambo: The Bitch He Told You Not To Worry About

Every season ABC casts a guy who reminds me why, instead of giving a human man a chance, I would rather die alone in my apartment with no one to find my cooling body but my faithful dog. This season, that guy is Hayden. Last week he told Gabby that she was a little too “rough around the edges” for his tastes, a phrase she used to communicate her worst fears about herself and he used to throw right back in her face. Classy. This week he doubled down on that statement. I think his exact words were: “My dumb ass uses the verbiage that Gabby uses to describe herself, and she fucking didn’t like that. Well, bitch, maybe you shouldn’t use that word to describe yourself then.”

Do my ears deceive me? Did he just call the Bachelorette A BITCH and then roll his eyes about it with nary a care in the world? Did he?! 

Another fun quote from Hayden this episode: “I’ve been comparing my ex to, like, this , right? They don’t hold a candle to her, and I don’t want to just settle. I can tell you right now, I don’t see how any guy here could be like, I’m fucking marrying these girls.”

Hayden is the kind of guy that thinks because he says the word “y’all” and smiles a lot that he gets a free pass for hating women. I’ve grown up around these guys. I’ve dated these guys. These guys are dangerous because they will say and do the most vile things behind your back and then lie right to your face about it.

Case in point: To smooth things over with Rachel, he spends the rose ceremony telling her about his dying dog Rambo. The first red flag here is that he named his dog Rambo. Is his pooch’s IG account sponsored by the NRA? And, I hate to say this about a potentially dying dog, but how do we know this dog even exists? Yes, he has a scrapbook, but “Rambo” could be any golden retriever on the internet. I would not put it past Hayden to lie about a dying dog in order to manipulate a woman. 

And then! Hayden has the nerve to say that Rachel wasn’t appropriately sad enough about him carrying around Rambo’s duck paw. Buddy, you are not appropriately sad enough about being a blight on this planet. Let’s call it even. 

But Rachel seems to be falling for the pet propaganda. She was on the fence about Hayden after he insulted Gabby last week, but he’s winning her over now. Meatball sees this and decides to do something for his country (he’s a maverick like that) and tells Rachel about Hayden’s alter ego.  I did not think it was possible for a man who, two weeks prior, was rubbing meat sauce through his chest hairs to be the unsung hero of this episode. Who knew that Meatball—MEATBALL!!—would be worthy of a song by the bards??

RACHEL: Do you know why you’re here?
HAYDEN: I’m assuming this is about Rambo?

I’M ASSUMING THIS IS ABOUT RAMBO!! I love that he openly talked shit about the women in the house and can’t fathom that conversation coming back to bite him in the ass. No, this isn’t about your cancerous dog. This is about you being the scum of the fucking earth. 

Rachel sends him packing but she should have made him walk the plank. Why else charter a boat, ABC? Hmm? 

As Rachel storms back onto the ship, probably wondering what kind of centuries-old witch’s curse was placed upon her bloodline for her love life to be going this way, Hayden stares wistfully after her and says, “I wanted this to work, but… I wanted Rambo more. No one loves me like Rambo does.” Rambo only loves you unconditionally because Rambo doesn’t have access to a TV!! Just wait until he gets his paws on a working remote…

Here’s who else got eliminated this episode: 

Team Rachel Eliminations: Hayden, Jordan

Team Gabby Eliminations: Quincey, Kirk

We’ll have to wait until next week to see what other horrors ABC has in store for Rachel’s soul. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (2); Giphy (5)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Not Here To Make Friends, Just Here To Eat Shrimp

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! Last week ABC gave us a brief reprieve from the madness that has been Clayton’s season. I’m sure that decision had everything to do with ABC’s utmost respect for our mental health and nothing at all to do with the PR carnage that would have ensued had they hyped Clayton’s lily white ass on a day meant to celebrate the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. I guess we’ll never know…

Girl Code Is Dead

This week picks up right where we left off, at the last rose ceremony. For those of you who don’t remember: Cassidy was doing her absolute best to make a grown man ejaculate in his khakis on national television. Tbh, her strategy seemed to be working. After ruining a child’s birthday party during the group date (“I didn’t come here to hang streamers!”) and living out every Marissa Cooper bad-teen-with-daddy-issues fantasy with Clayton by the pool, Clayton was officially smitten. The only flaw to her plan? Equating “girl code” with the legal standing of attorney-client privilege. Oh, sweetie.

Just before the rose ceremony kicked off, another woman in the house revealed that Cassidy had been talking to a hookup buddy from back home. A hoe in a different area code? How novel. Immediately after finding this out, Clayton asked Jesse Palmer if it was possible to take back Cassidy’s rose, to which Jesse Palmer responded, “does it look like I care? I was in the middle of drinking this martini” and leaves Clayton to ponder his romantic dilemma. He’s not contractually obligated to do more than that. I get it. We all have to protect our time for work-life balance!

Clayton decides to confront Cassidy, and it’s truly a joy to watch. Here we have two blond, conventionally attractive people, who are completely unaware of their own hypocrisies. On the one hand we have Cassidy, who was definitely sexting a man up until the point that a producer pried her phone away from her gel manicured hands. On the other hand, we have Clayton, a wronged man, a man who was *checks notes* saying “I love you” to a Minnesota school teacher not but eight weeks ago? Hmm…

CLAYTON: You were seeing someone right before you came on this show?
CLAYTON RIGHT BEFORE COMING ON THIS SHOW: 

 

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I think what’s most fun for me to watch is Clayton acting completely scandalized at having dated a girl who also has a guy on the side. Are you telling me this has never happened to you before, sir? That’s the confidence of an average white male right there. This is 2022. Everyone has a side piece! Monogamy is dead. 

Though Cassidy eventually comes clean and tells Clayton that she does have some sort of situationship back home—but her feelings for Clayton are real now!!—Clayton is unimpressed. He wants commitment! He wants to be the only person in Cassidy’s phone sending her texts about as sexy as lukewarm soup! He tells Cassidy he just can’t deal with her and sends her home. 

Do I feel for Cassidy in this moment? I absolutely do. She tried to do what every man who can marginally pass for 6’0 has been doing since the dawn of time: have his cake and eat it too. The real glass ceiling, if you will. If Clayton knew what this man was texting her (half-hearted “yeah I’d love to see you”s in between asking her what she was wearing) would he really be threatened? Does this mean everyone has to be celibate before coming on this show? It’s all crap. I didn’t even think it was legally possible to take a rose back at this stage in the game, but I’m pretty sure this dismissal would not hold up in a court of law. Cassidy, have your people call my people. This is a wrongful termination if I’ve ever seen it.  

Clayton Joins The Women’s Movement

The theme for this week’s dates appears to be inspired by Christina Aguilera’s iconic 2002 album Stripped—except it’s all decidedly less sexy. Clayton wants the ladies stripped down—he wants real, raw vulnerability. And, you know, also to see them half naked. 

The first group date of the week delivers all of this and more. Former Bachelorette and Bachelorette host Kaitlyn Bristowe leads the ladies (and Clayton) in a group therapy session where they all must divulge their biggest body insecurities. I think I’ve seen this activity before and I think it came straight from The American Girl: The Care & Keeping of You.

I’m not sure what Clayton was expecting from this date, but it sure as hell isn’t what goes down during this sharing circle. It seems like almost every woman in the room has a story about a man in their lives inflicting some sort of horror on their bodies. As they tearfully discuss the atrocities done to and said about their bodies, Clayton looks on in horror and confusion. He seems surprised that women have actual bodies and aren’t just brainless bags of flesh. More than women having bodies and relationships to those bodies, he seems surprised that his gender is capable of, well, acting like his gender. Welcome to the feminist movement, Clayton! I can’t wait until you find out how much tampons cost. 

 

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Resolving to treat women better, Clayton takes this newfound outlook into his one-on-one date with Sarah, where his resolution promptly evaporates into a plume of Axe body spray. Sarah and Clayton will be doing a scavenger hunt around the city in—get this!—only their underwear. Sarah looks appropriately scandalized, but if it were me on this date it would absolutely not be possible for me to compete. How does one tell a producer on national television that underneath your Revolve outfit you are Kim Kardashian body taped to within an inch of your life? Hmm?

Sarah soldiers through the date despite being forced to rap (why??) practically nude about wanting Clayton in “her spot” as an elderly woman in full-on COVID gear watches on in horror. The CDC is certainly getting a call about this tonight. 

You would think that ABC would be content with only objectifying one woman’s body, especially after devoting the first half of the episode to body positivity. You would think wrong. The stripped theme continues through to the last group date of the week, a Baywatch themed group date (yes, feminism is dead) in which the women compete to be the best lifeguard. Or was it the best-looking lifeguard? I honestly can’t say for sure. I do love that Clayton, not but 48 hours earlier, spent an entire day in a workshop about respecting women’s bodies only to immediately sport a hard-on at the sight of grown women in bathing suits. 

CLAYTON: I never want women to feel like I’m only attracted to their bodies. I respect women so much.
CLAYTON, THE MOMENT A WOMAN SHOWS UP IN A SWIMSUIT: 

I can see he learned so much this week!

Shanae Update: Shrimply The Worst

Last week we saw the origin stories of two emerging villains: Cassidy and Shanae. Cassidy had the drive and the dynamics to make meh television into great television. Meanwhile, Shanae had the drive and dynamics to make the audience extremely uncomfortable. With Cassidy on the way home to have subpar, noncommittal sex with her situationship, where does that leave our other intrepid villain? Committing crimes against culinary. 

During the episode, Elizabeth, Shanae’s sworn enemy for reasons that have yet to be revealed, cooked garlic butter shrimp for the girls in the house. This was eye-opening for several reasons. First, that these women would willingly ingest anything with the words “butter” and “garlic” in the name is breaking the fourth wall for me. Secondly, do these women have to cook their own meals? I was under the impression that a chef, or at the very least a catering service, was involved while they’re marooned in that house. And if they do indeed have to cook their own food, are they only allotted eight shrimp a meal?? Is that the budget??

Shanae takes Elizabeth up on her offer for shrimp—and then some. Instead of eating one or two, she damn near ingests the whole pot. (Sidenote: I’m not suggesting that eight shrimp is a lot of shrimp, it’s just all that Elizabeth made for the house. Eight shrimp is a light snack in my eyes, a thing I would eat and then immediately feel hungry after eating. However, eight shrimp is apparently enough to start the end of days in this house). The other ladies in the house are pissed they didn’t get to eat their one allotted shrimp. Though, again, I think the real crime is that there were so few shrimp cooked to begin with. Shanae must realize the wrath of a hungry woman, so she quickly makes amends by cooking more shrimp. To her dismay (and outrage), the house eats her shrimp but doesn’t deign to thank her for her efforts. 

THE GIRLS: *breathe*
SHANAE: I hate them

She is a vibe. My vibe, if you will. 

Shanae takes her beef with Elizabeth to Clayton where she describes in minute detail the shrimp incident. Can you imagine telling your grandkids this story about how you met their grandmother? She tells Clayton that she feels bullied by the other women in the house with Elizabeth leading that charge. He interrupts her outcry about bullying to make out with her. Our ally, ladies.

SHANAE TO CLAYTON: I’m the victim of bullying
SHANAE TO THE CAMERAS: 

My god, give this girl an Emmy. She’s the most interesting thing to happen to this episode. As the cameras cut to Clayton chastising a sobbing Elizabeth about being a bully, they pan back to Shanae’s maniacally laughing in the confessional about having pulled a fast one over Clayton. Perhaps I didn’t give this girl enough credit. 

As Shanae basks in her victory, Clayton vows to go full-on Mary-Kate and Ashley detective agency in getting to the bottom of this mystery. He will solve any crime by dinner time.

SHANAE: *shows Clayton exactly who she is*
CLAYTON: 

Christ. 

Like the previous episode, this week things end on a cliffhanger. We’ll have to wait until next Monday to see if Clayton is able use his eyes and ears to figure out who’s there for the right reasons and who’s there to just eat shrimp. Until then!

Roses & Eliminations

For those of you looking for, like, actual information about this episode, that’s fair. I don’t let a little thing like “facts” steer the narrative arc of these recaps, but alas I realize it’s important all the same. Here’s a breakdown of roses and eliminations:

Roses:

• Eliza (therapy group date rose)
• Sarah (one-on-one date rose)
• Gabby (Baywatch group date rose)

Eliminations:

• Cassidy
• Ency
• Tessa
• Kate

Images: John Fleenor / ABC; Giphy (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)

A Definitive Ranking Of The Past Bachelors By Hotness
I don’t know one person on the planet that isn’t excited for this year to be over. I mean, god damn. GTFO of here already. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to get older. But on top of all the terrible sh*t being over, another good thing about the arrival of 2019 is that The Bachelor comes back in January. This means I have another reason to drink what the Surgeon General would probably deem an unhealthy amount of wine on a Monday night and then judge people mercilessly. I consider those two of my greatest passions. The only downside to The Bachelor coming back is that we have to watch Colton whine about being a virgin for 10 straight weeks. Ugh, I’m already over this storyline. But whatever. It will have to do. To celebrate the show coming back, we decided to rank all of the previous Bachelors by hotness. Merry f*cking Christmas.
‘The Bachelor’ Announced A New Spin-Off That’s Going To Be A Dumpster Fire

We all must have done something very good in a past life because Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss is rewarding us with a new show. ABC announced on Tuesday that this summer they will air a brand-new dating show, The Proposal. We are not worthy. Oh wait, I actually just read the description and this looks like a bigger disaster than Bella Thorne’s Instagram story last night, and that thing was fueled by drugs and sadness. Let’s take a look at what this dumpster fire is going to be, shall we? I’m giddy!

The press release from ABC says the basic premise is like a pageant, so this should be fun and I’m sure not at all problematic in the era of #MeToo. Contestants will compete in four rounds where they attempt to seduce/impress the mystery suitor. The press release says the phases will include a first impression round and a round where contestants will “bare their souls in beachwear.” I’ve never heard the word souls used as a euphemism for breasts before, but great job, ABC publicists! Putting those creative writing degrees to good use.

As the show carries on, the main suitor will ditch the contestants who are not hot enough they don’t connect with, banishing them to a life of chasing Instagram followers with FabFitFun discount codes. At the end of the hour-long episode, the remaining two contestants will finally meet the suitor in person and present them with a proposal. The press release legit says this line: “Will there be a marriage proposal that can’t be refused?” Cool that they’re taking inspo from The Godfather now; intimidation is definitely the way to go.

The Godfather

While this show sounds like an exciting car wreck you can’t look away from, I do have some bad news for you all—Chris Harrison will not be hosting this show. That’s right, our favorite middle-aged regulation hottie draws the line at phoning it in on only two shows. The host for The Proposal is Jesse Palmer, a Bachelor from back when your mom watched the show and the contestants were actually there for love, because social media was still just a twinkle in Mark Zuckerberg’s eye. It was a simpler time known as 2004. Since most of you were still spending your allowance at Claire’s (RIP) back then, let Wikipedia me provide you with some fun facts about our host.

1. He’s A Former Football Player

While former football players may be a dime a dozen on The Bachelor these days *cough* Jordan Rodgers *cough*, back in good old 2004 most athletes weren’t quite so thirsty. Enter Jesse Palmer. Wikipedia tells me he was a backup quarterback for the New York Giants from 2001-2004 and didn’t get too much playing time. So basically he sucked, but on the bright side probably does not have traumatic brain injury. Hooray!

Can it be football season yet… #TBT #NFL #NewYorkGiants #GMen #QB

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2. He And His ‘Bachelor’ Winner Lasted About As Long As My Morning Commute

On his season of The Bachelor, Jesse picked Jessica Bowlin as his winner by handing her a plane ticket instead of proposing. LOL, so Bachelors were pieces of shit in the early 2000s too. Jessica was beautiful and blonde and used less bronzer than the contestants of today. Unfortunately, they lasted for about as long as the flavor on my fruit stripe gum. But he gave her a plane ticket, he was so committed! Don’t cry too hard for Jesse because…

3. He Now Has A Gorgeous Brazilian Model Girlfriend

Jesse landed on his feet. And by “feet” I mean some other girl’s vagina. He’s now dating a gorgeous Brazilian model that would make Leo DiCaprio jealous, if only he dated brunettes. Her name is Emely Fardo and is featured heavily on his Instagram. What, like you think he became a reality TV star to save the world? It’s always about getting a hot girlfriend, duh.

Thank you Brazil ???????? Such a wonderful and beautiful country filled with warm and remarkable people. Also…thank you for making her… #Brazil #MeuAmor #Rio #RJ #Travel

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4. He Has TV Hosting Experience

Since leaving his job as “dude that comes off the bench a few times a season,” Jesse has found his home on TV, so hopefully he won’t be godawful at introducing ladies in their bikinis to a national TV audience. Jesse has been a contributor on Good Morning America, worked on some sports shows, and has hosted “Holiday Baking Championship” on the Food Network. Do they wear bathing suits on that show too?

So that’s what we know about The Proposal! I can’t wait to waste more of my precious free time with wannabe reality TV stars, thanks for making my brain into mush, Mike Fleiss!

Images: Giphy; jessepalmertv / Instagram