After watching the Real Housewives for more than a decade, it feels like we know these women very well. From their love lives to their personality quirks, we see pretty much everything on camera. But aside from all the personal drama, one of my favorite things to see is where these women live. From gorgeous NYC apartments, to LA mansions, most of the Real Housewives live pretty fabulously. Maybe some of them don’t have as much money as they’d like you to believe, but they’re all doing okay.
But some of these women are doing a lot better than okay. A handful housewives really are loaded, and they have the second (and third) homes to prove it. I’m writing this from my very mediocre New York apartment, so I’m pretty impressed by anyone who owns even one house, and the thought of having multiple just blows me away. These are the Housewives with the most enviable vacation homes, and thankfully we have video tours to make you extra jealous.
Every season of RHONY gives us a little glimpse of life in the Hamptons, and if I had to choose one house, it would definitely be Bethenny’s. This five-bedroom house had an asking price of $3.2 million when she bought it back in 2015, and it’s easy to see why. Bethenny has great taste, there’s no denying it, except for the giant photo of a horse, which she says was the “first nice piece of art” she ever bought. I always forget Bethenny is a horse girl at heart. I especially love the kitchen, which is modern and chic, with some amazing red accents running throughout. As if this house isn’t nice enough, until earlier this year, Bethenny also owned a second “spare” house in the Hamptons, a historic former bed-and-breakfast, which she sold for nearly $2.3 million. Must be nice.
If we can’t have Bethenny’s house on RHONY, at least we can still have drunken weekends at Ramona’s. Ramona has owned her house in Southampton since the 90s, and keeping it was one of her major wins when she divorced Mario. I’m sure the house is worth millions, and last month, she rented it out for one month for $160,000. I’m sorry, but what do I have to do in life to have that kind of money? Ramona redid the house recently because she said the old decor felt “old and tired,” and her new kitchen has two dishwashers, because why not? She also has all Jill Zarin rugs, which I’m sure she bartered for. Aside from a basement that Luann insists smells like dog pee, the house looks great.
Camille Grammer comes and goes on RHOBH, but I’m constantly thinking about her gorgeous house in Hawaii. After she and Kelsey Grammer got divorced and sold their Hawaii home for a small sum of $11 million, Camille bought this place just for herself. The house is beautiful, but some of Camille’s decor touches are… eclectic. She starts her tour video leaning on a stone dragon, and she’s also obsessed with her giant gong. She also has the largest sectional couch I’ve ever seen, which has at least nine big cushions. Considering I was recently shopping for couches and could barely afford something used on Craiglist, I don’t want to know how much Camille’s couch cost.
Camille Grammer, Again
Don’t let anyone tell you that Camille Grammer isn’t living her best life. While she tragically lost her main Malibu home in the 2018 wildfires, she casually also owns a beach house in Malibu. She bought this house in 2016 for a cool $6.55 million, and was doing extensive renovations at the time of the fire. And now, she’s back to owning (at least) three homes, because she and her new husband David spent another $5.85 million on a house in LA’s bougie Brentwood neighborhood in 2019. Does Camille have the best real estate of any Bravolebrity? Perhaps. We haven’t really gotten to see the completed beach house renovations, but I’m sure it’s nice as hell, and hopefully there’s another big gong for her to hit.
A lot of people sleep on The Real Housewives of Dallas, but it can’t be denied that some of these women have serious money. In season 3, the ladies took a trip to Kameron Westcott’s home in Beaver Creek, Colorado, and it might be the most spectacular house on this list. Kam’s mother-in-law designed the house from the ground up in the early 2000s, so there’s no telling how much it cost, but nothing about it looks cheap. Kam say that all the wood in the house is from an old gold mine, which sounds haunted as f*ck. It’s tough to choose the most extra thing about this house, but I’ll go with the “Willy Wonka elevator” that has a glass ceiling. A close second place is the hot tub that you can literally ski right up to.
At this point, RHONY wouldn’t be RHONY without the annual trip to Dorinda Medley’s Berkshires home, Bluestone Manor. The house was her wedding gift from her late husband Richard (casual), and it cost $2.2 million back in 2005. Dorinda recently remodeled a lot of the interiors, and while most of the rooms l0ok elegant AF, there are still some quirky Dorinda touches that I can’t get over. Namely, a partially bejeweled taxidermy peacock. Dorinda says that for one phase of her life, bejeweled taxidermy was going to be her thing, but “nothing really ever came of it.” Hmm, can’t imagine why. Sadly, the new remodel means the infamous Fish Room no longer exists. Tragic, truly.
On Braunwyn’s first season of RHOC, we found out about her Love Shack, a special apartment “for debauchery” where she and her husband (and their friends) can get away from their seven (7!) kids. This isn’t technically a vacation home, but I can imagine that with that many kids, even getting away for a night feels like a vacation. Braunwyn describes the design aesthetic as “very romantic, a little bit dark… a very strong Asian influence that kind of reminded you of a Moroccan love den.” Um, can someone tell Braunwyn that Morocco is not in Asia? The apartment looks like if West Elm put out a Moulin Rouge! collection, and while it’s not my taste, I’m glad she can get away from all those kids.
I’m sure there are some other Housewives with beautiful second homes, and I would really appreciate if they let Bravo come film house tours ASAP. I will never turn down the opportunity to watch luxury videos that make me feel poor, so bring it on.
Images: PeopleTV, Bravo (5), DailyMailTV, E! News / YouTube
There are a number of traits that all good Real Housewives have in common. An aspirational lifestyle, a highly suspect business venture, and a toxic husband are par for the course, but what really sets a Housewife apart from her castmates is the ability to deftly lob an insult, especially at another Housewife. This requires quick thinking and a way with the English language that few of us mere mortals possess, and when it’s done right, the results are simply magical. Below, I’ve rounded up some of the best Real Housewives zingers in history and provided real life scenarios where you can use them, so you too can feel like a friend of seasoned Housewife. You’re welcome.
“Well, Even Louis Vuitton Makes Mistakes”
Whether you love her or hate her, you can’t deny that Luann has had some of the most iconic lines in the history of The Real Housewives of New York. One of her absolute best came in season 4 when insulting castmate Alex McCord’s “Herman Munster shoes.” Alex immediately clapped back saying they were Louis Vuitton, and without missing a beat, Luann gave us this gem of a comeback, both winning the argument and proving she belongs in the Housewives Hall of Fame.
When To Use It: We’ve all known someone who never misses an opportunity to brag about the various labels they’re wearing. Next time Dorit that person pipes up, you can hit them with a variation of this epic line. For example:
Dorit: OMG could you die over this new purse?! It’s Gucci!
You: Well, even Gucci makes mistakes.
“, You Bald-Headed Scallywag”
OK, so Marlo may not technically be a Housewife, but she is putting in more work this season than many a cast member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (looking at you, NeNe). She’s long overdue for her peach, and no moment proved this more than in a recent episode on the cast trip to Toronto. As SnakeGate continued to unfold, the entire cast seemed to get into it with each other, with Marlo and Cynthia going head to head about the accusation that someone recorded Cynthia talking smack about NeNe. Cynthia loses it and goes off on Marlo, and out of the clear blue, Marlo refers to Cynthia as a “bald-headed scallywag.” The creativity in busting out a term not used in the mainstream lexicon since the wake of the Civil War leaves me no choice but to stan.
When To Use It: Although Marlo was referring to Cynthia, another woman, I think this jab would work perfectly for that f*ckboy in your life who you’re not quite ready to cut, but who continues to annoy you with his games. If he’s bald or balding, great. If not, then you can take a page out of his textbook with a neg that will surely have him considering a Rogaine purchase. The exchange could go something like this:
F*ckboy: Sry, forgot to press send. U comin over later?
You: Chad, you bald-headed scallywag
“Not Well, Bitch!”
Although Dorinda joined The Real Housewives of New York in season 7, it feels like she’s been there from the beginning. In just a few seasons she has become a fan favorite, and her incredible one-liners have everything to do with it. In season 9 she gave us this wonderfully versatile response when asked by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell, of all people, how she was doing after a particularly heated argument with castmate Sonja Morgan. In turn, we were gifted this simple, yet incredibly effective phrase. Dorinda, we thank you for your service.
When To Use It: The beauty of this one is that it can be used in so many different scenarios to capture your mood. The “I’ll tell ya how I’m doing” preamble is optional, but when you use it, it hits so much harder. Either way, it’s a fantastic way to shut up that annoying co-worker Karen who cheerfully asks you how you’re doing at 9:03am on Monday before you’ve even had a sip of your iced coffee. Or it’s a perfect response to the group chat attempting to piece together a blackout girls’ night. Like so:
Jackie (to the group): Really hurting this morning. How are you guys doing?
You: I’ll tell ya how I’m doing: not well, bitch!
“I Don’t Know If She Wants To Be Me, Or Skin Me And Wear Me Like Last Year’s Versace.”
Dina Manzo only appeared on the first two seasons of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (and randomly season 6), but she will always be remembered for her biting zingers, chief among them being her description of the one and only Beverly Ann Merrill Danielle Staub in season 1. After a bizarre encounter where Danielle hugged Dina over and over and awkwardly complimented her boobs, Dina delivered this perfect description of Danielle’s strange obsession with her. We miss you, Dina.
When To Use It: This line is best used when you want to highlight the Single White Female in your life who is seemingly always around and annoying the ever-loving shit out of you. Whether she keeps going after the guys you like, insincerely compliments you in a backhanded way, or is always showing up to frat parties in a sad variation of your outfit from last week, you can describe her as such:
Your Bestie: What’s up with Hannah? She’s basically wearing the same dress you wore last weekend.
You: I don’t know if she wants to be me, or skin me and wear me like last year’s Versace.
“Is Your Ass Jealous Of The Sh*t That Comes Out Of Your Mouth?”
I can’t say I’m going to miss Tamra now that she’s gone, but she did leave us with some truly memorable jabs. Tamra does her best work when she’s angry (never forget Jesus Jugs) and she exploded during the season 6 reunion when she sensed that Gretchen was being less than truthful, giving us this truly excellent insult. RIP, Tammy Sue.
When To Use It: This one comes in handy whenever you want to call bullsh*t on someone who is obviously lying. Of course, you can use it for more serious lies like Tamra did, but it also works when you want to joke around with someone close to you about a more harmless lie. Case in point:
You: Hey, just got here. What’s your ETA?
Friend (just got out of the shower): On my way!
You: Does your ass get jealous of the sh*t that comes out of your mouth?
Of course, there are far too many incredible Housewives insults and many of the very best had to be left off this list. What are some of your favorites and how would you use them in the real world? Sound off in the comments. Until then:
Images: Bravo; Tenor (2); Giphy (4)
Sami and Alise discuss the Facebook/Cambridge Analytica situation, Zuckerberg’s non-apology, and debut their new blackout campaign. They also break down Putin’s election “win” and do a roundup of Trump’s legal troubles (both Russian and non-Russian). Finally, Alise debuts her new beret and the girls interview Real Housewife and personal friend of Hillary Clinton, Dorinda Medley.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
If you’ve ever watched even one season of a Real Housewives show, you know that the most important element of the show is the group trip. Prepare yourself, because the Real Housewives of New York just took a cruise from hell. Over the years, the New York housewives have taken a wide variety of exotic trips, including St. John (aka Scary Island where Kelly lost her mind), Morocco (cue Luann saying “ya habibi” seven million times), and even the far-away land of Montana. But nothing could have prepared Luann, Ramona, Bethenny, and the gang for this trip to Colombia.
The ladies are currently filming for season 10, and they headed down to Cartagena, Colombia, presumably because one of them slept with someone who owns a fabulous vacation home there or some shit like that. There’s always a connection. From there, they were supposed to spend the day on a luxury yacht. This is usually the part of the trip where nothing really goes wrong: Ramona has her Pinot Grigio, Luann pretends to be reading a book, and Sonja is tanning while ass naked. Yaaaaawn. But this time, the day on the yacht turned into the boat trip from hell, and we seriously can’t wait to see it unfold on Bravo.
Let’s just say, the boat wasn’t as luxurious as it was supposed to be. Page Six reports that, to start with, “Once they were ushered on board, the boat couldn’t even move. The anchor got stuck, so the crew had to saw the anchor off before they could sail anywhere.” I’m already laughing my ass off from the thought of these women watching them saw off the anchor, and it gets so much better.
After leaving the dock, the engine on the boat reportedly caught fire, which like, isn’t supposed to happen. There was apparently no fire extinguisher on board, and the crew didn’t speak any English. Yikes. As if that wasn’t enough, the seas were very rough, and “the seats and other things on board that weren’t nailed down started flying about.” OKAY. So just picture Luann the fucking Countess on a boat that is literally on fire and there are seat cushions just fucking pummeling her in the face. Darling, it’s a nightmare.
According to the reports, the housewives were screaming, throwing up from seasickness, and genuinely convinced they were going to die like it was the fucking Titanic. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is how you make reality TV. They were eventually rescued by a passing ship, but Bravo has reportedly offered the ladies counseling for their traumatic experience.
With this and Luann’s wild Christmas in Palm Beach, the next season of Real Housewives of New York City is shaping up to be an absolute shit show. Thanks to our lord and savior Andy Cohen, we’ll surely get to see the whole messy thing. Why do we love this shit so much?
Images: Bravo; Giphy (3)
So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
In case your Fourth of July bender has caused significant memory loss, I should probably remind you that this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the second part of a group ski trip to Vermont. This one starts out the way all good Housewives episodes do…with a lot of complaining.
They’re all bitching about the terrible conditions of East Coast skiing, because apparently Aspen is way better. I guess I never realized that the East Coast had bad skiing conditions because I’ve never
blacked out in a ski lodge drinking gone skiing anywhere else. Whatever. Anyway, once everyone realizes Ramona has a hot instructor, the topic switches to bitching about Ramona.
Sonja: Fine. Ramona can hot dog down the mountain behind him, but he’s not going to fuck her.
This week’s episode also continues the mystery of whether or not Carole is truly an outdoorsy girl. It seems to kind of depend on whether or not she’s around her 11-year-old boyfriend Adam, but I’ll try to give her more credit than that because I like where her head’s at this week as she stays in the ski lodge to drink with Dorinda.
Carole: I didn’t come to ski. I didn’t even bring ski pants. I prefer going to the ski lodge with my girlfriend and gossiping about my friends who are on the mountain.
But yeah, being on the mountain looks about exactly as much fun as you’d expect hitting the slopes with Ramona and Luann would be. Luann won’t stop talking about the fact that her life is “transitioning” now that she’s married. Honestly, I don’t think that word’s gotten this much airtime since the I Am Cait series.
Obvi, Bethenny is snowboarding instead of skiing because she’s like, way cooler than the other housewives. She has a Skinny Girl branded snowboard, which Luann takes a break from talking about her transitioning life to mention. Then, we get a nice little montage of all of the Skinny Girl shit that Bethenny has rolled up in over the years, like her Skinny Girl car. Honestly, if I was that skinny and made all of my money from betches who buy alcohol that I created because they want to be as skinny as me, I’d remind everyone of it constantly, too.
Back at the ski lodge, Dorinda and Carole are boozing it up when they see that news of Bethenny’s insane ex-husband, Jason, has been published on Page Six. Basically, he’s been charged with harassment and stalking because he is the absolute worst.
Ramona interrupts their gossip sesh by dragging her helpless, hot ski instructor into the ski lodge to pretty much be her slave. She introduces him as her “new very good friend,” because she is literally the creepiest chick ever and is trying to make it seem like he’s following her around all day for any reason besides the fact that she’s paying him. Honestly, at the rate Ramona inappropriately preys on younger victims, she’s right on track to be the next President of the United States.
Dorinda continues her reign as my favorite housewife as she tries to figure out why guys don’t hit on her all of the time, but Ramona always seems to be surrounded. She decides it’s because Ramona is a “coke head-y flirter,” which is good news for Dorinda, who was always afraid that she was too ugly to get hit on. That’s like, low-key devastating to hear, but we’ve all had the “OMG am I ugly?” scare at least once.
Anyway, while Ramona is acting creepy and rubbing her bare feet all over the ski lodge, Bethenny starts silently freaking out because she’s getting Google alerts about her personal life. You gotta give this girl credit for being able to hold herself together so well in front of the cameras. Like, if someone abruptly ends a text message to me in a period I have to interrupt everyone’s conversation to have a mini meltdown and figure out what that could mean.
Speaking of people handling things well…or not, Tinsley is mixing antidepressants with Tito’s vodka, which Carole tried to tell her is a terrible idea. We haven’t had a housewife release music out of pure boredom in a few years, so maybe it’s time for Tins to come out with a rap song about pills and Tito’s. IDK, just an idea.
The housewives return to the Lincoln Logs mansion that Bethenny rented, and Ramona has somehow convinced a bunch of random restaurant dudes to come cook for the crew.
Bethenny: Ramona is the HBIC. The head bitch in charge.
Like, one, thank you Bethenny for defining an acronym we are all very familiar with. Also, I’m going to disagree with you there. While she does certainly display some HBIC qualities, she’s definitely not an approved HBIC. Sorry.
Speaking of, Ramona is trying to do Sonja’s hair, because apparently they always need to have “similar hair.” Remember Ramona’s brutal ponytail from a few weeks ago? I can’t believe Sonja’s letting her touch her hair. It looks like shit.
Tinsley starts to talk about one of her passions, which is shopping. She’s like, really good at finding deals, and typically only spends like $500 to $700 on an item.
Dorinda: It appears that Tinsley is a professional shopper and professional day drinker.
Side note: I literally cannot stop looking at Sonja’s fugly hair. It makes me feel better about every single bad hairstyle I’ve ever had in my entire life.
At dinner, all of them get totally hammered and start playing truth or dare. Of course, it starts off absolutely ridiculously and we learn a lot about everyone’s sexual preferences. For example, Dorinda thinks anal is totally unacceptable and it makes Tinsley cry. Two things I never cared to know, ever.
Bethenny then dares Sonja to French kiss one of the chefs and gives some pretty specific instructions.
Bethenny: French kiss one of the chefs. You have to mean it. Put your back into it and your camel toe, as well.
Unfortunately, the chef was so not into it.
Then, as everyone’s measuring dick size with cucumbers, Luann gets annoying. What a surprise!
Luann: I feel lucky right now to be married.
Dorinda: We get it! You’re married! You love Tom! You love Palm Beach!!
And then the episode pretty much ends with Bethenny telling everyone to lay off Luann for being an annoying newlywed asshole, but also for Luann to stop being such an asshole, which is as close to a happy ending as any RHONY episode is going to get.
This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City includes a ski trip to Vermont (are these bitches ever NOT on vacation?), but perhaps the trip that made them really feel out of their element was the one they took in the opening scene. Bethenny takes everyone to the Bronx for dinner at an Italian restaurant and immediately sets the tone for the episode.
Bethenny: I’ll need two bottles. These girls can drink.
And then one second later…Dorinda shows up hungover.
Bethenny then starts ripping on everyone and their outfits, but mostly Tinsley, who doesn’t know how to dress for anywhere besides brunch on the Upper East Side…in 2007. (Like, yeah, we all love Gossip Girl, but I’m shocked to see that she’s still dressed like it.) To B’s standards, the only one who was prepared for this lunch was hungover Dorinda.
The cast is planning a trip to Vermont, which obv leads to a conversation about how crazy Ramona is. This time, they get into an old issue about some Tipsy Girl alcohol being a ripoff of Bethenny’s SkinnyGirl from like, forever ago.
Of course, the whole thing leads to a brawl in a public restaurant. Sonja keeps trying to pull up some screenshot receipts on her phone and Dorinda exhibits literally every emotion on the drunk girl spectrum.
Carole: I gotta be honest, I love it. When Dorinda is bad, she’s so good.
Dorinda: Enough about going backwards! ASSWIPE.
Then, they all simmer down and some creepy old guy tells Carole that she looks like “Ivania” Trump. Lol, okay.
Tinsley goes to a therapist and talks about how much wine she has to drink to fall asleep, but definitely doesn’t think she’s at risk of alcoholism. She also has some interesting (read: boring) realizations about the type of men she’s into.
Tinsley: The type of man that my father was is the type I am attracted to in men.
That’s called daddy issues, Tinz. GROUNDBREAKING. Then, like any decent reality television therapy session, she then talks about how her trespassing charges have been dropped.
Then, the whole cast goes on a ski trip to Vermont, which is pretty exciting because everyone knows that all of the best Housewives drama happens on ski trips.
Bethenny actually invited Ramona. Because Ramona can’t be cool and has to be like, all uncool, she texts Bethenny some long-winded crazy shit to apologize on her way up.
Dorinda forgets all of her luggage in New York because she was too hyped up from getting laid and wants to call an Uber pick it up for her. Sounds reasonable.
Carole: Dorinda is the gift that keeps on giving.
Agreed. Dorinda is totally the best one this season.
Ramona finally shows up and Bethenny is already pissed upon hearing her voice for the first time. She literally shows up being annoying.
Dorinda: Ramona, do you have camel toe?
Ramona: I was in the car for five hours. I’m lucky I can walk.
That’s potentially the grossest line I’ve ever heard on Housewives…and I watch Jersey, too.
Ramona and Sonja then act like creepy little girls at summer camp and try to pick the best room together so they can snuggle. They basically end up pissing everyone off, because everything they do pisses everyone off anyway.
Then, Tinsley starts talking about how she’s “boy crazy.” Although her standards aren’t like, super specific, they’ve definitely tightened up since the last episode.
Tinsley: Are you a man? Do you have a job? Are you older than me?
Quick, somebody call TLC because we’ve got a new set of standards to adhere to.
Everyone starts giving Tinsley unsolicited dating advice and she starts bitching about the fact that Sonja is so controlling of her. Bethenny’s like, totally done hearing about this shit. Same tho.
Bethenny: Live with Sonja, follow her rules, or grow up and move out.
Tins then goes off about how she’s still not over her abusive relationship, to which Bethenny is like “been there, done that.” Tinsley tells Bethenny that she doesn’t really understand, because her abusive relationship was made public and B’s was not. As if Tinsley was at all relevant before this season and Bethenny isn’t actually famous. Riiiiight.
Anyway, everyone better start freaking TF out in the first five minutes of the next episode or I’m so over it. Ski trips are supposed to be insane and I’m disappointed so far.
Last week was a sad week on Bravo because it was the last episode of RHOBH. Not forever or anything, but ya know, until November. Which is basically forever. Personally, it’s my fave because the women are richer than god, they’re hot AF, they live in palaces and both Erika Jayne and LVP are legit queens. And now that it’s over, I need a replacement ASAP. Thankfully, Andy Cohen came to my rescue and dropped NYC betches in my life right as the Bev Hills wives were on their way out. Like I said, RHOBH is #1 in my heart, but TBH, RHONY is giving it a run for its money. And that’s a lot of fucking money. The women are smart, successful and legit funny, plus it’s all just so fucking ridiculous that it’s enough to pull me out of my Wednesday slump. Well, almost. And what do we do with all Bravo shows we love? Rank the cast by betchiness. Fucking duh.
Psst we have a RHONY recap now. Read it here!
7. Dorinda Medley
Dorinda definitely brings some life to the show and she always makes it nice, but she’s by no means betchy. First things first, she’s a BSCB. When she gets upset about something, there’s no calm, cool, and collected happening. We’re talking Teresa Guidice table-flipping type shit. Take a Xanax, D. She talks shit behind her friends’ backs, which let’s be honest we all do, but she always gets caught. Also, she’s dating some nasty fat greasy dry cleaner from Jersey. And on top of it, he’s a prick. I’d get it if he was like, some super great guy but he fucking sucks. Last place.
6. Luann D’Agostino
Back when she was a Countess, she probably would have landed a little higher on our list, but now that she’s married to a cheating scumbag without a title she finds herself toward the back of the pack. I could write a fucking Charles Dickens-length novel describing all the reasons I can’t stand Luann. The biggest one is she’s hypocritical AF. Look, I’m the first one to admit I hold other people to a higher standard than I hold myself. Consider it a flaw. But I’m not on goddamn TV contradicting myself for the world to see. The final dagger in her betch coffin is her music career, if you could even call it that. While “Money Can’t Buy You Class” and “Chic C’est La Vie” are entertaining to listen to when you’re in the mood to judge someone, they’re both more embarrassing than my middle school talent show routine to “I’m A Believer” (I know you all don’t know me, but that’s saying a lot). Luann beats out Dorinda because of her classic line in Turks & Caicos that I say to someone at least twice a day.
5. Sonja Morgan
Similar to Luann, Sonja was probs a mega betch back in her prime. She was married to John Morgan, as in JP Morgan, and when she actually had a job other than making toaster ovens she was a luxury brand consultant with restaurants and hotels, which sounds like one of the most difficult betchy qualities to master: Make a lot of money and make good connections by doing absolutely nothing at all. Obvi. Fast-forward to present day though, and Sonja’s life is kinda depressing. She lives in the past and talks about all the famous men she used to screw, but now she’s in this outdated townhouse all by herself and dates this creepy old man named Rocco.
4. Ramona Singer
Out of all the housewives in all the cities, Ramona might be the one I have the biggest love-hate relationship with. First off, she’s nuts. Like, spent a day too many in Radley on PLL nuts. She’s all over the place and mean as a fucking snake to literally anyone who crosses her—but somehow, some way, she always gets away with it. Everyone forgives her for all the crazy shit she does because she’s really good at apologizing but not actually meaning it because she’s gonna do the same thing in like a week or two. She has her own wine label, which is kinda cool, and she just DGAF, something any betch can relate to.
3. Tinsley Mortimer
Tinsley is new to the bunch this year and already finds herself toward the top of the list. Congrats. She grew up in classic prep school fashion, married a wealthy finance guy (aren’t we all) and wound up being one of NYC’s most well-known socialites. Dior named a fucking lip gloss after her for Christ’s sake and she had a stint on Gossip Girl. She loses a few points because after she divorced said wealthy finance guy, she started dating some dude in Florida, which should have been red flag #1, and he got her arrested for stalking him. IDK, but she looks like shit in her mug shot. Girl, did Paris not teach you anything?
2. Carole Radziwill
In a lot of other cities, Carole would have hands-down been the biggest betch of the group. Why? She’s a fucking legit princess and part of the Kennedy family. Sorry, Luann. Your old Countess title doesn’t mean shit compared to a royal with Kennedy ties. Like Ramona, she DGAF but does it in a way more chill way. She’s super thin and pretty, which is always a bonus, and the type of person you might actually want to be friends with. She can def sit with us. She was a super successful journalist before becoming an even more successful author and is now dating a hot way younger chef. You go, Glen Coco.
1. Bethenny Frankel
Obvi. Bethenny is Queen B of NYC and if it weren’t for LVP and Patricia, she’d probs reign over all of Bravo. When the show first started she was the povo single girl that everyone felt sorry for, and now she runs a multi-million-dollar company revolving around margaritas and other types of alcohol that won’t make you fat. Despite what your dad might say about reality TV stars, our girl Bethenny is actually smart and funny AF. Like, she is solely responsible for me having any resemblance of a good gif game. Also, mad props to her for realizing her mistake in marrying a fuckboy and getting TF out of that shitty situation. We all fall for them, but only the best of us are smart enough to run away.