As anyone who doesn’t live under a rock without wifi can tell you, the 2018 VMAs were last night. Awards were given, asses were bared, and we all had to grapple with the stunning realization that in 2018, face tattoos are like, a thing. Here’s everything you need to know so you can pretend you didn’t drink two glasses of wine and fall asleep in your clothes halfway through.

The Hosts

This year the VMAs went hostless which, tbh, was a godsend after Katy Perry’s sad excuse of a performance as host last year, which I affectionately still refer to as “the stand-up show from Hell”.

Cardi and her baby open us up but—oh wait!—it’s not her baby! It’s actually a moon man. Was I the only person relieved that Cardi didn’t actually drag an infant child up on stage at such a loud, late-night event? Am I the only person who thinks babies and small children don’t belong at the VMAs? More on this later…

For the rest of the show, the VMAs separated hosting duties among a variety of people, from charismatic superstars (hi Cardi) to actual comedians (put Tiffany Haddish on every stage please) to what I can only assume are soulless cardboard cutouts of human beings that MTV animates to star in their 3 million television shows.

The only people who got this format right, IMHO, were Tiffany Haddish and Kevin Hart, who came out and gave a truly manic roast-style monologue that made me think, “these two are on drugs, and it is WORKING.”

Hart kept it semi-political, saying things like “in this game you’re allowed to kneel!” while Haddish saved her comments for the stars, the most awkward of which was when she thoroughly mispronounced Camila Cabello’s name and then roasted Fifth Harmony for not being invited while Camila was nominated for literally everything.

Cabello, who was in full princess gown mode, clearly didn’t appreciate any of it. I mean, being reminded of the time you lost all your friends is probably not the best way to kick off a fancy award show.

Also not appreciative of the comment was Nicki Minaj, who wasted no time starting sh*t when she was accepting her award for best Hip Hop, telling Tiffany Haddish not to come for Normani because she’s “that b*tch.”

Me During This Moment: Oh no oh God if Tiffany Haddish and Nicki Minaj fight I won’t know what to do who do I support I hate when friends are fighting I can’t handle this anxiety—
Nicki (to Tiffany): No, I love you.
Me: OH THANK GOD MOM & DAD ARE GONNA BE FINE!

The rest of the hosts vacillated between “passable” to “painfully awkward and I want to die.” In the passable category were Keegan Michael-Key and Olivia Munn, who did a classic “I’m reading the wrong lines!” bit.

In the “painfully awkward and I want to die category” were Blake Lively, Ana Kendrick, and the Rockettes, who I’d say got an A for effort and an F for execution. The whole premise of the bit was that Lively (dressed like she’s starring in an off-broadway production of Cabaret) knows the Rockettes. She calls on the Rockettes to come out, they don’t, so then Kendrick starts explaining how their new movie “will get you laid” when the Rockettes do show up, give a full performance, and Kendrick and Lively only notice once they’re done with their weird mime routine.

If the above paragraph was confusing for you, that’s because the whole thing was confusing and frankly, I expect more from Anna Kendrick.

Just when I was starting to feel like I was too old to understand wtf is going on at the VMAs anymore, the MTV Gods gifted us early 90s babies with Jimmy Fallon introducing Panic! At The Disco, who then led into another awkward intro by the Backstreet Boys.

Me Watching This Scene:

Millie Bobby Brown Watching This Scene:

The Backstreet Boys sang one song from each of the “Song Of The Year” nominees, and I got the distinct impression that they hadn’t practiced. The whole thing was very awkward and made me even sadder than Logic’s immigration performance (we’ll get to that later). But I appreciate the people at MTV throwing a bone to those of us who remember what dial-up internet was like.

IMHO, the true unofficial hosts of the VMAs were Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande, to whom the camera crew cut approximately 100,000 times throughout the show, just to make sure we were all still paying attention and aware that they are engaged.

Conclusion: The only thing worse that people trying to be funny at the VMAs is people who don’t try to be funny at the VMAs.

The Awards

Like most VMAs (except the infamous “I’mma let you finish but…” moment), the awards were handed out pretty predictably and the only real moment of tension was the aforementioned Nicki-Tiffany beef.

To reiterate, Nicki got Best Hip-Hop for “Chun Li” and Ariana helped her get up to the stage. #WomenSupportingWomen. She then shouts out Ariana Grande later in her acceptance speech because honestly this whole show is really just about Ariana Grande at this point.

Speaking of Ariana Grande, she won Best Pop, where she thanked “her friends on the internet” (relatable) and Pete Davidson “for existing.” A ringing endorsement from one fiancee to another.

Post Malone and 21 Savage won for “Rockstar,” Childish Gambino won Best Video With A Message (and had his choreographer accept because he’s a Renaissance Man with better sh*t to do), J Balvin won for Best Latin, and JLo, Cardi, and DJ Khaled got Best Collaboration.

Cardi also won Best New Artist which is well deserved but also hilarious to think of her as “new” because I truly cannot remember anything from before Cardi B came into my life.

Did anybody else notice they had to enlist like, five people to help Cardi get on stage just so they could walk her back down into the audience to get her Moon Man from Millie Bobby Brown, which she immediately handed back to Millie (who is the same size as the Moon Man), because, and I quote, “this sh*t is heavy.” That seemed avoidable.

The rest of the major awards (Video of the Year & Artist of the Year) went to Camila Cabello, who came a long way since getting roasted and having her name mispronounced at the beginning of the show. From here on out, 2018 will be known as El Año Cabello.

The Performances

TL;DR on last night’s performances is that the women killed it and the men were like…fine.

Shawn Mendes kicked us off by making the audience extremely wet—I’m sorry, he made himself extremely wet playing guitar under a single rain cloud like he’s a sexy Charlie Brown or something.

Logic, of all the dudes, brought it the hardest with a performance of his single “One Day” where he wore a shirt that says “F*ck the Wall” and brought up immigration activists from United We Dream, Make The Road New York, and the National Domestic Workers Alliance. They all entered from the back of the building wearing white T-shirts à la Eminem’s 2000 performance of “The Real Slim Shady,” except this time instead of slut-shaming Christina Aguilera, the artist made a poignant statement about immigrant rights and citizenship in America. 2018 really is something.

The best performances were by Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande. At first, I was shocked they would dare put Nicki on the outside stage, but she killed it in her Egyptian-inspired performance of “Barbie Dreams” and “Fefe.” The crowd was literally singing every word even though the album came out two seconds ago so, yeah, I think the monicker “Queen” is accurate.

We were all watching and waiting for Ari to perform, the way Pete Davidson watches Ari while she sleeps and waits for her to get up. And lemme tell ya, she delivered.

How good is being engaged to the dude who spawned the phrase “Big D*ck Energy?” Good enough to cast yourself as Jesus in a Last Supper inspired performance of “God Is A Woman.” Then Ariana ended by bringing out her ancestors (i.e her mom, aunt, and grandma) out with no introduction like we’re supposed to know who the f*ck these people are.

Diva status: Achieved.

Maluma made history as the first Latin artist to ever perform on the VMAs. He kept it pretty simple, dancing with a random sexy lady on a platform before ditching her to go dance with Camila Cabello and her mom.

Aerosmith, apparently, also performed, but I gotta be honest and say we were like 2.5 hours deep into this award show at that point, and Aerosmith reminds me of my ex so I kinda checked out. I’m sure they were fine.

The Video Vanguard Award

So obviously no discussion of the night’s performances would be complete without talking about our Video Vanguard Award winner, motherf*ckin’ Jennifer Lopez.

Did you know that JLo’s infamous green Grammy’s dress was the reason Google invented Google Image search, because so many people were Googling the dress it made them realize they needed an image option? I learned that on Twitter last night and have been shook ever since.

In keeping with the fact that she’s literally the b*tch who invented Google images, JLo’s performance was amazing. She started by singing “Waiting For Tonight” while flying around, then launched into a medley of all her hits.

I actually clutched my heart and said, “aww!” when she started “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing,” at which point the stage shifted from a Minaj-esque Egyptian motif to a snow bunny motif which I can only image was an homage to the “All I Have” video with LL Cool J.

At one point DJ Khaled comes out and I feel like its 50/50 as to whether or not he was asked to perform, or just can’t help but screaming “ANOTHER ONE” into any available microphone.

The best cameo, obviously, was when Ja Rule came out to help her perform “I’m Real” and “Ain’t It Funny,” proving that JLO is not only a beautiful vanguard, but a benevolent one. She’s forgiven Ja Rule for Fyre Festival, and so too shall we.

Anybody else spend this entire performance thinking about how JLo is 49 years old? The only thing of note I’ll probably be doing when I’m 49 is going on Dr. Pimple Popper to have a fatty lipoma removed.

Once the performance was over we cut to Shawn Mendes, who totally f*cking blew it. Or the VMAs blew it. Or everybody blew it. Either way, it was blown.

As Shawn is trying to introduce JLo, you can literally hear the entire audience chatting in the background. It’s deafening. No one is paying attention to him. At one point Ja Rule runs across the stage behind him and just starts chatting with another person in the audience. People are taking selfies. It was brutal. Shawn Mendes could have said literally anything in that moment because nobody was paying attention. He could have been like, “I have Donald Trump’s pee tape on a thumb drive right now!” and the audience would have been like, “Do you know when someone is coming around with more drinks?”

Anyway, JLo then gave a very nice speech about her long ass career in which she called one of her managers her “three eyed crow,” so I guess we know JLo likes Game of Thrones.

JLo: It’s been so crazy dreaming my wildest dreams watching them all come true.
Me Drinking Boxed Wine, Blocking Yet Another Call From My Credit Card Company:

The only thing missing from this, in my view, was that I really wanted JLo to perform “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” by Selena. That would have been dope.

Madonna?

Soooo we have to talk about the absolute weirdest moment of the night, which was supposed to be the most solemn.

It all started out well and good with the VMA’s attempt at an Aretha Franklin tribute, but then Madonna came out dressed like someone who was about to sell you fake ayahuasca at a festival and you know shit is about to go off the rails.

Madonna used Aretha Franklin’s tribute to tell a long-ass story about herself. Does Madonna think the VMAs are The Moth? Is this her one-woman show? I’m truly confused. The story has literally nothing to do with Aretha Franklin, other than the fact that at one point she sings an Aretha Franklin song, which is more about Madonna letting us know she’s a good singer than it was about Aretha Franklin’s contributions to music.

Then Madonna launches into another story that actually has nothing to do with Aretha Franklin even tangentially, where she reminds us all about the time she sang “Like A Virgin” on a cake and her manager said her career was over. She ends that performance by saying “lol” outloud, but pronouncing it wrong.

Thank you, Madonna, for that touching contribution.

Final Thoughts

All in all a pretty standard VMAs, but I have to get one thing off my chest: Does anybody else feel like baby Asahd, DJ Khaled’s 1-year-old son, is just like, too young to be at the VMAs? The VMAs are late as f*ck! Also loud. He’s a damn baby! Everyone here is drunk. Get a babysitter and bring him to the VMAs when he can actually sing along to some of the songs. That’s just my belief.

Also, did anybody else catch that Truth commercial about how smoking will give you erectile dysfunction? That was…a lot.

Also, why the f*ck was Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti, there? Don’t you have a case to be working on? Are we just going all in on the “politics is entertainment” thing now?

Tune in next year when the VMAs will be hosted by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, with a performance by Betsy DeVos.

Images: Getty Images; GIPHY  (14)

Listen, I’m pretty disappointed with this year’s Oscars red carpet. Normally, the E! preshow is decent enough to make up for having to watch three hours of producers and directors get passive-aggressively rushed off stage with that annoying music while they desperately try to thank their moms, but this year was a shit show of epic proportions. If you’re out of the loop, you basically just need to know that nobody wanted to stop to talk to Ryan Seacrest because of the sexual assault allegations against him. At the culmination of an award show season that’s been all about holding shitty dudes accountable, I don’t really understand why E! couldn’t just like… let a woman do it. We all know chicks on their payroll don’t make as much as men so they probably could have saved a few dollars, but hey what do I know? I’m just here to talk shit about celebrity style, so let’s get to that. Here’s the best and worst dressed 2018 Oscars edition.

Best Dressed 2018 Oscars

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish is hands down the best dressed at the Oscars this year because she’s openly like, “fuck it, this dress was expensive and I’m going to Febreeze it and wear it again.” This is the positive Hollywood influence I’m looking for. Except, when I do it, it’s less like a $4,000 Alexander McQueen gown and more like, a $60 pleather Topshop miniskirt. Whatever, the sentiment still stands. I’m also very down with Tiffany’s UGG slippers. I’m so glad we finally have a celebrity who’s actually relatable, and not just pretending to love pizza and fall down a lot because her publicist told her it could be a good gag. Her red carpet look was not the same dress, but it was equally memorable, and I hope served as her audition for Black Panther 2 because she looks regal. I’d give her the role, I’m just saying. 

Margot Robbie

I’m usually not one for random off-the-shoulder embellishments, but Margot Robbie’s white Chanel gown is actually changing my mind. I’m pretty sure she’d still look perfect in this even if she styled it with a fried, frizzy Tonya Harding ponytail and a Marlboro Light. Every wedding gown on the next season of Say Yes to the Dress will be a knock-off of this, I’m calling it now.

Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita absolutely stunned in this Versace gown that would probably look a little bit like most of the dresses worn to a Staten Island prom in the 1980s if she wasn’t like, the most flawless person in Hollywood right now. The asymmetrical neckline, the slit—it all works.

Taraji P. Henson

Taraji P. Henson is one of the few celebrities left in this godforsaken world who still knows how to look classy with a super high leg slit and a shit ton of cleavage. Oscar looks can get boring easily because it’s kind of the stuffiest award show, but Taraji’s Vera Wang look is perfect, and it looked even better paired with the shade she threw at Ryan Seacrest.

Jennifer Garner

I really hope Jennifer Garner’s former nanny who fucked Ben Affleck is crying into a tub of ice cream right now. I mean, I’m doing it, and I didn’t even break up a marriage.

Worst Dressed 2018 Oscars

Salma Hayek

I kind of feel like I’ve seen Salma Hayek’s dress before, but that might just be due to the fact that I spent my last hangover watching JonBenet Ramsey documentaries for seven hours, and this blinged-out Gucci gown looks like it previously belonged to a child pageant star. I may or may not be temporarily blind now.

Emma Stone

Emma Stone decided to completely ignore the “it’s the Oscars, wear a gown” memo, I guess because she won last year so she doesn’t need to try this time around. It’s kind of like when you get a boyfriend and you start going out to the bar in flats because you “don’t have anyone to impress.” How come when I showed up to work in this exact outfit it was “you can’t come to work in your pajamas” and when Emma Stone did it, it was fashion?

Saoirse Ronan

Saoirse usually totally slays, but this Calvin Klein gown is giving me a dull headache. It’s what I would imagine Regina George would have worn to the spring fling if she had a regular mom who was like, “aw honey, don’t try Sears, let’s have my tailor let this out so it fits you better.”

Andra Day

Listen, mad respect to Andra Day for saying fuck it and literally just laying down on the red carpet, but this Zac Posen gown is bad news. Every award show red carpet has at least one woman who is the butt of the guaranteed “this is made out of a fugly tablecloth from my grandma’s house” joke (we will have two), and not only does this look like an elderly woman’s tapestry, it also looks like its original purpose was for a Renaissance Fair.

St. Vincent

I saw a lot of tweets praising St. Vincent for whatever it is she’s trying to wear here, which has led me to the conclusion that it’s probably time for me to stop chasing retweets and put my efforts into selling flat tummy tea, because obviously everyone on Twitter is fucking insane. This look reminds me of something a sorority girl would craft out a trash bag for an Anything But Clothes mixer. Or like, maybe the aesthetic is slutty funeral? Much like this outfit, I can’t decide what I’m going for.

Zendaya

It physically pains me to put Zendaya on any kind of worst dressed list, but this flappy brown chiffon Giambattista Valli gown does not make her exempt from a good shit-talking. This list isn’t personal, it’s just that I hate your fashion choices and am now questioning your judgment and taste. Sure, I might just be biased on this dress because I spent 2005 wearing a lot of brown gauchos and Limited Too graphic tees with slogans like, “I’m adorable, DEAL WITH IT,” but chocolate brown is a color that will never work unless you are a hot UPS delivery guy who’s very receptive to the Bend and Snap.

Kelly Ripa

I just have two quick questions for Kelly Ripa. The first is, what are you on that made you think wearing a massive pink and neon green bow on your butt would be a good idea? This dress is the definition of a mullet. The second question is, can you hook me up with your plug?

Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi’s dress was made for her by Project Runway winner Christian Siriano—apparently this week’s challenge was to make a dress out of your grandmother’s shower curtains.

Adam Rippon

Adam Rippon is 28, but he looks like a high schooler who found his parents’ stash of bondage gear. He definitely still gets carded at the leather bar. This is why they need to stop making 50 Shades movies.

Can’t get enough of our shit-talking? Read the full 2018 Oscars recap. We promise it’s wayyyy more entertaining (and shorter) than the actual show.

Mondays always suck, unless it’s the day after literally any award show. There’s truly nothing better than sitting at your desk, pretending to work as you scroll through Instagram and judge the shit out of all the red carpet looks. As you’ve probably seen if you follow any celebrities on any form of social media, last night was the American Music Awards. Let’s give compliments like a drunk girl in a bathroom then talk shit about the worst dressed, shall we?

Best

Demi Lovato

Okay, all extra celebrities, please take notice. Demi’s look is like, the perfect example of the perfect music award show red carpet look. The dress is super flattering, the hair and makeup is incred, and overall it kind of has an edgy vibe but is still a classic look. Well done, Lovato.

Selena Gomez

Honestly, Selena has kinda been on my nerves recently for literally no reason whatsoever, so this is difficult for me to say, but I’m obsessed with this look. Usually a drastic post-breakup hair change is a bad move, but when you’re rich AF and can get back into a relationship with Justin Bieber like, a week later, the rules don’t apply. I love this new (old?) Selena.

Lady Gaga

Gaga wasn’t even technically at the red carpet at the AMAs—she was at the Washington D.C. stop of her tour—and she still looked better than everyone else. She rocked an Alaïa to honor the recently passed designer (RIP) and channeled some major Madonna vibes. Into it.

Ciara

Pretty sure Ciara’s sole purpose in life is to just be hotter than the rest of the human population. This dress is so dope. Plus, her hair and makeup is perfect but still looks natural.

Kehlani

TBH, Kehlani’s dress is kind of eh, but I’m considering her one of the best simply because she can pull off a low ponytail without looking like a founding father.

Worst

Sabrina Carpenter

I have no idea who you are, but I hate your dress. Sorry. It’s very Miranda Hobbes and the boots kind of look like a serial killer made them out of human skin à la Silence of the Lambs.

Demi Lovato

I’m putting Demi down for best dressed and worst dressed, because not even the most flawless styling could balance out this dress. She looks like a walking lava lamp. This is potentially one of my least favorite dresses in history.

P!nk

Even P!nk looks pissed to be wearing this dress. It kind of looks like a fancy loofah that came with the Bath and Body Works gift set your dad’s new girlfriend bought you for Christmas after your parents’ divorce.

Bebe Rexha

I’m confused as to what is happening here. This dress probably had good intentions (even if it’s made out of a fabric I would have worn to a friend’s bat mitzvah in 2004), but then it decided to allow Bebe’s boobs to try to run away from each other. Also, just looking at the cut of the dress paired with the shoes stresses me out, because I keep picturing Bebe falling over and having to do the worm instead of walk.

Julia Michaels

I mean, if the end goal here was to channel Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice, then this look is killer. But like, I’m assuming that wasn’t the point. This year, Comme des Garçons has kinda scammed everyone into thinking that it’s fashionable to wear heaps of fluffy red fabric, but this look obviously isn’t working.

We’ve already discussed the colossal fuck-up from last night’s Oscars that will go down in history—awarding Best Picture aka the pinnacle achievement to the wrong fucking film—but now it turns out that there was another cringeworthy error made during the night. This was part of the “in memoriam” segment that pays tribute to people in the film industry that recently passed away, in other words a pre-recorded video requiring third grade PowerPoint skills that’s the same every year. You’d think it’d be impossible for anything to go wrong here, but much like Dakota Johnson’s dress, it was extremely insulting and embarrassing for everyone involved.

The Best Dressed At The Oscars & Who Needs To Try Sears

Basically what happened was that the segment displayed a picture of Jan Chapman, an Australian producer who *spoiler alert* isn’t dead. Some fucking idiot confused her with Janet Patterson, an Australian costume designer who died in October and was a four-time Oscar nominee. TBCH I don’t know who either of these people are, but someone who should probably know is the person who oversees the production of the fucking Academy Awards. Or they could’ve at least used Google Images rather than take a wild guess while high, which is clearly what happened.

The whole situation is v offensive to Jan and Janet, who both got absolutely roasted in what was supposed to be a moment of honor. Jan is now blasting her social media accounts and probably regretting all those nights she chose to stay in recently because a good amount of people legit thought she was no longer alive, and Janet got the shittiest memorial ever because no one in the Academy knew her well enough to realize that photo openly wasn’t of her. Overall this was just too savage on the part of the Oscars, and we hope this is peak award show awkwardness because we’re already out of Xanax for the year and it’s not even March.

Before the Grammys even happened on Sunday, most people had done the math and realized the main storyline would be Beyoncé vs. Adele. They were both up for all the big awards, and they’re obviously both huge fucking stars and queens and magical unicorn women.

Both of their performances ended up as some of the most talked about, but for different reasons. While singing a tribute to George Michael, Adele had to stop the song and start over because she was out of tune. She said “fuck,” which we kind of love, but also like, get your shit together. You had one job. Whatever. Beyoncé, on the other hand, made news because she literally looked like some kind of pregnant alien goddess while performing a medley of songs from Lemonade, causing viewers everywhere to wonder for the umpteenth time whether she is, in fact, human.

Both of them won smaller awards in individual genre categories, so neither was going home empty-handed, but Beyoncé came up short at the end of the show when Adele won Album of the Year. Knowing the Beyhive would annihilate her if she did literally anything else but dedicate the award to Beyoncé, she used both acceptance speeches to talk about how amazing Bey is. Adele was crying. Bey was crying. We weren’t crying, you were crying!

Obviously Beyoncé deserved to win. This is not an opinion. This is not a bias. This is an indisputable, non-alternative fact.

Years from now, there will be a few moments that will stand out in history—moments you’ll always remember precisely where you were and what you were doing when they happened. When Michael Jackson died. When Barack Obama won the presidential election. When Beyoncé released Lemonade.

Not content to shock us all with a surprise album, Beyoncé came out of the woodwork and did what no one other artist has ever accomplished: an hour-long visual experience that celebrated and empowered black women, forcing us to acknowledge for the first time that Beyoncé is, in fact, a black woman.

In addition to offering racial commentary and opening up about her struggles following Jay Z’s (reported) infidelity, Beyoncé used Lemonade to pose important questions to the world: What’s worse, being jealous or crazy? Who is Becky with the good hair?

In a situation where most would have shut down and shied away from the public, Beyoncé aired it all out for the world to see. It was healing, rather than vindictive. She did it all while bringing black culture to the forefront of pop culture, exposing it to people who would have otherwise pretended it didn’t exist, only to try to take credit for it a few years down the line. She did all that, and then gave us an hour of startlingly beautiful visuals—and many Halloween costume ideas—on top of it.

The irony of Beyoncé losing to a white woman was not lost on anyone in the audience last night. After last year’s #OscarsSoWhite fiasco and the current racial climate in general, you would hope that the Grammys could have been one of the first award shows to get their shit together and serve as an example for the rest of the industry of what a truly unbiased event could be. But once again, a woman of color was shoved into the background when she deserved to shine. And when that woman is Beyoncé, we will not take that lying down. Nobody puts Bey in a corner, not even the Grammys.
                                                       
It goes without saying that Adele is wildly talented. None of this is a slight on her or 25, an amazing album in its own right and absolute shoe-in any other year. But everyone in attendance knew Beyoncé should have won that award. Beyoncé knew that Beyoncé should have won. Becky, whoever she is, knew that Beyoncé should have won.

In a moment that easily could have made or broken her career, Adele used her acceptance speech to go full Cady Heron and essentially give her spring fling crown Grammy to Beyoncé.

You know what they say: when life hands you lemons, make Lemonade and then watch as it gets absolutely snubbed by the Recording Academy. Our thoughts about the entire debacle can be summed up, once again, by Adele.

To Beyoncé, to Adele, and to all the strong women in the music industry and life in general who put up with more shit than they should ever have to:

But no matter who you are, no matter who you wanted to win, just remember that nothing can ever be worse than Taylor Swift winning for 1989 last year. 

Related: Adele Went Full Cady Heron: Grammys Recap

Natalie Portman is pregnant AF, so she chose a sensible yellow Prada dress that was probably a leftover from the Jackie set. Literally how is she so pretty?

Emma Stone played it safe in a nude Valentino dress with a plunging neckline. She’s super pale so it kind of blended in with her skin, but she made sure to remind us that she’s the biggest fucking star in Hollywood with the silver stars all over the dress. Honestly, the whole thing was a little bat mitzvah.

Ryan Gosling chose to wear a white tux, which is usually just what nerdy guys wear to their high school prom, but he’s Ryan Gosling so he pulled it off.

It’s unclear why Carrie Underwood was invited, but someone put approximately a million pink ruffles on her chest so you really couldn’t miss her.

Blake Lively looked stunning as per usual, while somewhere in Paris, Leighton Meester was probably sitting at a cafe alone. And none for Blair Waldorf, bye.

Kerry Washington’s makeup was flawless, but her calf-length yellow lace dress would look better on an 80-year-old woman. Olivia Pope couldn’t fix this situation.

Viola Davis finally won something, and she looked incredible doing it in her yellow Michael Kors gown. Slay.

Nicole Kidman’s Alexander McQueen dress could have been stunning, but she got caught somewhere between dance recital and artistic sparkly picture of a wave. She has a rocking body, but the life-preserver sleeves really killed this look.

We’re not sure who approved Sarah Paulson’s hair or dress, but she looks like a soap opera businesswoman from the 1980s. Get it together, Sarah.

We could literally swear that Anna Kendrick has worn this boring AF dress before, but whatever. Pretty-ish but boring, just like her.

Amy Adams went for reliable sequins, which worked, but the neckline basically looks like a shelf across her chest. Tom Ford, how could you do this to her?

Reese Witherspoon took us straight back to a 2006 red carpet with her basic bitch yellow strapless dress. She looked great, but it’s time to step it up.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are basically the best thing happening in the world right now, and Chrissy usually kills it on every red carpet. Unfortunately, her gold Marchesa gown really just looked like an outfit from the opening ceremony of the Hunger Games.

Sofia Vergara’s New Year’s resolution is apparently to not wear fabric anymore, because her dress was basically some foil gum wrappers artfully arranged on sheer mesh. Tasteful!

Connie Britton basically wore an old person’s version of a prom dress, but her hair looked perfect like always so she still wins.

Pharrell wore a dumb white Chanel suit with a crossbody necklace, which is not a thing, but he’s still on our shortlist for that giant hat.

Sarah Jessica Parker literally still thinks it’s 1999, which explains why she wore a taffeta ballgown and a curly updo, ugh.

We’d normally hate Michelle Williams’ lace Louis Vuitton dress, but she’s so fucking chic it hurts. Bonus points for wearing a relatable choker.

Every year I actively volunteer to write a recap for the Golden Globes because, as I’ve stated many times in the past, it’s the best award show of the season. Every celebrity you care about and hundreds of others that you don’t get shoved into a room that defies any reputable California fire code, and proceed to chug Champagne that costs more than my rent until they’re drunk enough to talk about their political opinion on live television. It’s like a fun Thanksgiving where your entire family is liberal and instead of actual food you just get more alcohol. On top of that, the night is rife with authentic, disdainful reaction shots because sometimes even paid professionals forget that they are on camera. What more could we want?

After watching last night’s show, the answer to that question has changed. We could want, and did want, so much more than the 2017 Golden Globes provided. Jimmy Fallon, who started the night on rough footing with a broken teleprompter, ultimately fell flat as host. Watching him bounce around stage and deliver half-hearted zingers only served as a visceral reminder to us all how much we miss and don’t deserve Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Not to say that Jimmy didn’t get in a few good barbs in the beginning. He brought back my all-time favorite award show trope: mocking the otherworldly dedication that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have for each other, a perennial crowd pleaser. But the lowest hanging fruit of all, a monologue mocking Donald Trump, felt off-color coming from a guy who was playfully ruffling the screaming yam’s hair just a few short weeks ago on his show.

Which brings me to my biggest issue of the night: where the fuck were the Donald Trump jokes?

I’m not asking in a “wow this show was lacking in comedy” way, although it definitely was. I’m asking in a “where was the outrage from a powerful community of untouchable people who openly oppose Donald Trump” way. I’m not even saying they had to be jokes. I’d be fine with passive-aggressive comments, barely disguised disdain, or outright anger, even. Anything more than the few bones thrown to us by Jimmy Fallon.

Like it or not, the people in that auditorium last night are some of the most powerful voices, leaders, and wallets we have. The kind of people who have the power to create change. They are able to voice opinions that most of us can’t, on a scale that we will likely never have access to. Their ability to speak and be heard is what America drastically needs, now more than ever, and for the most part they fell silent.

Is it the sole responsibility of a group of celebrities to band together to save America from Donald Trump? No, of course not, although I’d definitely watch that movie. I get that it’s a night to kick back and relax, to celebrate their friends and peers, but I still hoped for—expected—more.

Thankfully, our Lord and Savior Meryl Streep put the entire fucking team on her back later on in the night.

Some highlights before we get into our own superlatives for the night:

The La La Land themed opening number served as some serious foreshadowing, with the musical winning a record seven Golden Globes, aka everything it was nominated for.

Barb from Stranger Things was resurrected for a short yet gleaming segment in the opening number. Never forget.

Ryan Murphy added another accolade to his resume with the win for Best Limited TV Series for The People vs. OJ Simpson, and yet no one has made him answer for the last two seasons of American Horror Story.

The Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher tribute brought everyone on the planet with a beating heart to tears, and surely not for the last time this awards season.

Hugh Laurie predicted that this may in fact be the last Golden Globes, and he’s probably not wrong. Then he accepted his award on behalf of “psychopathic billionaires everywhere.” Must be nice to be able to mock America’s rapid devolution into a fascist state and then escape to the UK where everything is just peachy. Oh. Wait.

Dev Patel (who can totally get it) won our hearts and my undying devotion when he showed up on stage to introduce his nominated film Lion with co-star, the tiny and delightful Sunny Pawar.

Tracee Ellis Ross became the first black woman to win Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical since Debbie Allen in 1982. In case you’re slow on the math, that’s 35 years.

Donald Glover thanked Migos in his acceptance speech for Atlanta’s win in Best TV Series Comedy or Musical, and then followed up by letting everyone know that there is no better song to have sex to than “Bad and Boujee”. Please update your sexy time playlists accordingly.

Other than the actual list of winners, which we’ll include at the end for the sake of accuracy, here are some awards that we here at Betches would like to present on behalf of the HFPA.

Best Jimmy Jokes:

“This is the Golden Globes, one of the few places left where America still honors the popular vote.”

“There’s always the ballots for tonight’s Golden Globes, carefully tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst and Young and Putin.”

“Of course, we all know Matt Damon from his greatest acting role, telling Ben Affleck that he liked Batman v Superman.”

Worst Faux Pas

This is a toss-up between two cringe worthy moments. The first brought to us by Michael Keaton, who announced Octavia Spencer’s role in the nonexistent movie Hidden Fences while presenting for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Octavia starred in Hidden Figures, while Viola Davis starred in (and took home the award) for Fences.

Two different movies.
Not the same movie.
Not. The. Same. Movie.

The second moment that made everyone in the audience want to die and blessed us with the ultimate reaction GIF of Christian Slater comes from none other than Tom Hiddleston, a man who shouldn’t have been able to draw anymore ire from the public than he did after rocking and “I <3 T.S.” shirt on 4th of July.

In a comment that was surely meant to sound less pretentious than it came across, Hiddleston shared a cute little anecdote about how he met some Doctors Without Borders working in the war-torn country of Sudan who got through their rougher nights by bingeing The Night Manager. Congrats, Tom. Hope you send Taylor an edible arrangement at the very least for all that free press.

Best Presentation

By the grace of God Meryl Streep, Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrell showed up and hour and a half into the show to deliver the first and last real jokes of the night while presenting for Best Animated Film. If we’re not living a real life Hunger Games by this time next year, hopefully they’ll get to host.

Best Acceptance Speech

Ryan Gosling once again set the bar for men everywhere with a heart wrenching speech dedicated to his wife, Eva Mendes. Ryan thanked Eva for taking on the responsibility of a full-time parent, while pregnant and caring for her dying brother, so that he could film La La Land. It was a glowing reminder that no man will ever measure up to Ryan Gosling and also that he and Emma Stone are probably never going to happen. Not sure which is more depressing.

Best Moment That We All Missed

While Ryan Gosling walked up to accept his award, pure award show magic was happening in the background and I, for one, will personally never forgive NBC for not having crystal clear footage of it. In a Buzzfeed video that will haunt my sleeping and waking dreams for the rest of my life, Ryan Reynolds deals with his loss by grabbing Andrew Garfield and kissing him full on the mouth. It’s a coping mechanism I’d love to employ in the future.

And yes. Andrew reciprocated.

Best Collective Moment Featuring Viola Davis and Meryl Streep

This gets its own category because it is, quite honestly, the only part of the entire award show worth watching. When I die, please project the entire ten-minute clip onto my headstone, on repeat, for all eternity.

We start out with Viola Davis presenting Meryl Streep with the Cecil B. Demille Lifetime Achievement Award, which usually involves a speech littered with anecdotes about the recipient. Obviously we all know Meryl Streep is a big fucking deal, but just how god damn perfect do you have to be to summon this level of reverence from Viola Davis?? The mere thought of the conversations that these two have in private filled me with enough energy to finish this marathon of a show.

Viola: You make me feel that what I have in me—my body, my face, my age—is enough.
Me: 

But when Meryl came on stage to collect her award while all of Hollywood wept, that is when the real magic happened. With the soft, silent voice of a slightly disappointed mother, Streep spent the next five minutes tearing Donald Trump to shreds.

It. Was. Everything.
(unless you were sitting at the sparsely populated conservative table)

I will not do her the disservice of trying to recreate it here, but please watch the speech in whole so that you can be up to date when Donald Trump takes to Twitter tomorrow to try and vilify the single most respected woman in Hollywood. Can’t wait for the entire world to set his mentions aflame.

Here is the full list of winners from the night, in case you couldn’t last all three hours of it. Hopefully the Oscars will use this unfortunate spectacle as a reason to finally get their shit together. 

MOVIES

Best Supporting Actor
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Nocturnal Animals
Best Original Score
La La Land
Best Original Song, Motion Picture
“City of Stars,” La La Land
Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis, Fences
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Best Screenplay
Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Best Animated Film
Zootopia
Best Foreign-Language Film
Elle
Best Director
Damian Chazelle, La La Land
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
Emma Stone, La La Land
Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
La La Land
Best Actor, Drama
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Best Actress, Drama
Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Best Picture, Drama
Moonlight

TELEVISION

Best Actor, Television Drama
Billie Bob Thornton, Goliath
Best Actress, Television Series Comedy or Musical
Tracee Ellis Ross, Black-ish
Best Television Series Comedy or Musical
Atlanta
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Sara Paulson, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Hugh Laurie, The Night Manager
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Olivia Colman, The Night Manager
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Tom Hiddleston, The Night Manager
Best Actress, Television Drama
Claire Foy, The Crown
Best Television Drama
The Crown, Netflix
Best Actor, Television Series Comedy or Musical
Donald Glover, Atlanta