If you ever read 50 Shades Of Grey and thought, “This is pretty sexy, but it would be wayyyy sexier if I could hear these exact same events told from the perspective of a man,” then you’re in luck! Twilight fan fiction author-turned-porn-book-woman E.L. James will be releasing a new installment of the 50 Shades series called Darker: 50 Shades Darker as Told By Christian, which is, you guessed it, a retelling of the second 50 Shades book from the perspective of Christian, and with the longest book title known to man. E.L. James, you know don’t have to like, explain the entire premise of the book in the title, right? Like, Harry Potter books are just called Harry Potter And The XYZ not What It’s Like To Go To Wizard School From The Perspective Of Harry James Potter, Boy Wizard. It’s not necessary.
The new book will come out on Nov. 28th, just a few months after the release of the film version of Fifty Shades Darker, so those of us
me who only see the 50 Shades movies because we don’t want to be spotted reading a porn book in public will be able to hear Anastasia’s side of the story, before Christian gets his man thoughts all over it.
E.L. James teased pages from the new book on Facebook over a year ago and
horny soccer moms 50 Shades stans have been wet with anticipation ever since.
Ugh should I not have said wet? I’m sorry. That’s gross.
Anyway, this type of re-release is nothing new for the
sopping wet avid 50 Shades fans. E.L. James pulled a similar move back in June of 2015 when she released Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian. Again, there is no need for these titles to be so long. That’s what the inside of the book is for.
Not that E.L. James needs any advice from me. Grey: Fifty Shades of Blah Blah Blah sold over 1 million copies in its first week, despite the fact that literally every critic said it was hot, steamy garbage. It’s almost like the reason 50 Shades is so popular has nothing to do with literary merit or something…
A couple of years ago, the 50 Shades trilogy hit the shelves (as in bookshelves, remember those?), and our lives were more or less unaffected never the same. In a heartwarmingly American response, the millions of people (ugh) reading these books promptly went out to their local hardware stores and started loading up on rope, presumably to hang themselves with try out these saucy new bondage techniques. While these horned-up, determined women stocking up on duct tape were definitely friends with your mom a little misguided, it can be really hard to give your sex life the makeover equivalent of Lindsay Lohan pre-Mean Girls to Lindsay Lohan post-the greatest movie of all time (y’know, minus the STDs), but here are a couple tips on how to take things to the next level:
DO: Buy the ** Appropriate ** Supplies
Again, if at any point in the “spice up your sex life” routine you find yourself standing at an Ace Hardware register inquiring about the roughness of certain rope fibers, just tell the cashier to cut your credit card in half and go home. This is 2017, so there’s no reason to be leaving your house—that’s what Amazon reviews were invented for (I mean, I’m assuming). Also, if you’re embarking on an “Intro to Bondage” journey, you’ll probably be just as well-equipped with scarves, tights, or even handcuffs as a low-maintenance alternative. You’ll be better off spending your money on mood-setting materials (silk sheets, candles that you will under no circumstances drip onto your partner) than having your partner wonder why you’ve ordered a load-bearing steel hook and six feet of cable wire. You’re having sex, not disposing of a body—don’t make this scarier than it needs to be.
DON’T: Make It All About You
At the end of the day, the sexiest thing about Christian Grey was his willingness to drop buckets of cash on a glorified secretary how turned on he got doing all that kinky stuff to Ana. Assuming your boyfriend doesn’t already have the inclination toward rough sex, he might not be as psyched about certain scenarios, which will lead to him weakly patting your ass and then asking if he’s hurt you. To actually have an enjoyable rough sex experience, you need to find something that your partner is excited to try, so you get to have the complete inanimate sex doll Ana Steele experience of being dominated. Also, it doesn’t hurt to introduce the whole rough sex experience as something you specifically want from your partner. It’s a lot less off-putting to hear, “I really enjoy getting the shit beaten out of me during sex,” than it is to hear, “I get so turned on at the idea of you throwing me around a little.” If he feels like he’s what’s turning you on when he does get a little rougher (and not the memory of the ex who probably gave you this sexual preference in the first place, oops), then he gets an ego boost and you get an orgasm (which is like, platinum level win-win for both parties).
DO: Ease Into It
I mean this in literally every single way. First, lube. Buy a lot (no cooling or heating shit), and incorporate it liberally. Second, talk to your partner before. It’s super tempting to just try and move his hands during sex and hope that he’ll read your mind, but since my boyfriend has literally replied, “what’s up,” when I said his name during sex, I don’t have a ton of faith in that practice. And since nothing kills the vibe faster than putting on your mom voice and saying, “no, do it like this” mid-act, get this out of the way beforehand—preferably over a glass, or six, of wine. Which brings me to my next point: drink. It’s called a “social lubricant” for a reason, and if this is your first foray into rough sex, you’ll probably want your typical inhibitions at least slightly lowered. I’m not saying get wasted, I’m just saying have enough to lose all sense of shame get out of your head and feel a little adventurous.
DON’T: Freak Out About Any of This
It’s obviously daunting when you’re suggesting something new, you’re in a vulnerable situation, and you’re not sure how the other person will react. But honestly, if a guy tries to make you feel embarrassed for bringing it up or acts like you’re a slut for wanting it, this guy is an insecure prude who’s worried that he hasn’t been satisfying you sexually. And if you do give it a shot, and it turns out you don’t like it as much as you thought you would, that’s okay too! Sex is sex, and if you’re not trying new things, you’re depriving yourself of potentially mind-blowing sex. Life’s too short, and your list of back-burner bros is too long for you to get hung up on one bad experience. If you want something more aggressive than what you’re getting, I’m sure there’s a guy out there who’s more than happy to oblige (just please not the people who are buying rope at hardware stores).
Well, friends, it’s finally here. After years of waiting, the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is coming to an end. Today we got our first look at Fifty Shades Freed, the final movie based off the series of erotica
that started as Twilight fan fiction books that your mom’s bookclub read when you were in high school and then you stole from her room and read secretly. Big day for all of us here, that’s for sure.
After seeing the mildly sexy train wreck that was the first movie, we weren’t sure if they would go ahead with the last two, but they cranked them out quickly, coming out on Valentine’s Day two years in a row. You know the movies are high quality when they’re desperate to get them made before the investors are like “oh wait, this is literally the worst, we want our money back.”
In the new trailer, we get a look at Anastasia and Christian getting married (sorry for the spoiler but we actively don’t give a fuck), and there’s sure to be lots of drama in the
bedroom red room this time around. There’s also the mandatory moment of her being shocked he owns a private plane, some dramatic music, and some artfully vague shots of her getting pounded because this isn’t *actually* porn.
We also see Anastasia touching a gun seductively, which is sure to end will for everyone involved. Sorry, can we get a lot less Anastasia in these trailers, and a lot more naked Christian? That would make me a lot more likely to buy a ticket, please and thank you.
The tagline in the trailer is “Mrs. Grey will see you now,” like we’re supposed to be so shocked by their marriage, but it really just sounds like you’re getting called to the Principal’s office for something you did wrong. Like we said, the movie comes out on Valentine’s Day, so start making plans now because it’s obvi going to sell out.
John Cusack royally fucked us (no pun intended) the night he decided to stand outside Diane’s house and serenade her with a boom box over his head until she was forced to tell him to stfu. Since then, thanks to every other improbable modern-day romcom, we’ve been fooled into thinking borderline stalker romantic gestures like that are actual things. Like, I can’t even get a guy to flirt with me long enough to get annoyed by it. Anyway, if there’s one thing more pathetic than a classic romcom airport sprint out of pure desperation, it’s the art of romcom fuckery and its unrealistic perfection no matter where the task is performed. Sure, crafty sex scenes make for great study material, but think about it—do you ever actually see the outcomes? The answer is no, because it’s not a fucking thing. Look, I get it—duty calls, sometimes where you least expect it, and I couldn’t give less fucks where you choose to fork it out, but taking your shag sesh into unfuckable territory is like signing up for a group project—great in theory, but 12 times out of 10, you’ll end up frustrated and blaming your partner for their shitty performance. So
whomever whatever you do, don’t repeat my mistakes, and avoid boning in these v overrated places at all costs (unless maybe you’re Christian Grey).
1. The Shower
I’m sorry, but who hasn’t been personally victimized by shower sex? The main reason for this failure is that no normal, struggling adult human actually owns a shower bigger than a vacuum closet, but when it comes to sex, the last thing that should be wet and slippery is the playing field. The first thing? Fucking duh, but don’t expect your platinum vagine to sustain prime-moisture (ew omg “moist!”) once Harold from upstairs flushes the toilet, causing the water flow to surpass the average boiling temp and your leg to slip out from under you during mediocre standing-up sex. Music videos might make this shit look effortless, but nobody comes out of a shower looking like a naturally gleaming Shay Mitchell. Not even Shay Mitchell. So unless for some god-awful reason you’re wearing waterproof mascara or a shower cap, that “glow” you’re thinking of is nothing but a mixture of sweat and disappointment.
2. The Beach
We’ve all secretly dreamt of telling a story about lusting over a short-lived fling while doing the deed on a secluded beach during those warm summer nights…K, sit the fuck down, Danny Zuko. This is why they invented a cocktail called “sex on the beach”, because actually having sex on a beach requires you to ease the discomfort with like, six of them right after. Think about it: since when is the beach ever not windy, so say goodbye to that overpriced Dry Bar blowout. And it’s more likely you won’t be conveniently prepared with a towel, so now you’re forced to fuck on the lifeguard tower where half the high school population lost their virginities. Also, you knew this was coming: sand. The fucking sand. That shit is like the herpes of the earth—you’ll still be pulling it out of certain crevices weeks later, so really, need I say more?
3. The Backseat Of A Car
Question for you: Are we still in 10th grade? Now where was I? Nobody who’s had decent sex would ever resort to the backseat to bang one out. First off, idk what genius implanted into the Y.A.-millennial minds that “smaller” is better and more practical, but try having sex in the backseat of a Fiat and then we can talk. I’m also just gonna assume that if you’re doing it in his car, his mom just gave him gas money after telling him to clean his room before he left to pick you up. And that musty stench you’re probably wondering about? You’re now breathing in his sweaty ballsack residue from last week’s gym shorts.
But mostly, I blame Kate Winslet for this mess. Honestly, the first time I watched the sex scene in Titanic, I saw everything through my hand covering my eyes (which says a lot about me now), so fast forward 15 years and too much car sex experience to shamelessly admit later, I now know that her hand sliding down the window was not the product of a steamy DiCaprio-gifted orgasm, but more along the lines of a desperate gasp for air in an overheated crammed space with a seatbelt buckle wedged under her ass. Spare yourself the torture.
4. The Jacuzzi
Oooooo jacuzzis are so sexual because you’re already half naked, and the bubbles give added mystery! Remember that thing we learned about in 7th grade science class? It’s called friction. Before you go in for kill, know that you’re literally going against the laws of physics when the water washes away your natural lubricant you worked so hard to get during that 12 minutes of underwater humping. Also, I don’t mean to go all WebMD on you, but it’s fucking disgusting. It’s gross enough soaking in your own bathtub filth, but jacuzzis are like the holy grail of community disease. So moral of the story, don’t have jacuzzi sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
5. Your Parents’ Bed
If somebody were to voluntarily tell me a story that began with “we fucked in my parents’ bed”, I would immediately make my way over to the nearest window, and plummet to my death. Next.
6. The Kitchen Counter
What is this, Discovery Channel? Unless you’ve actually inherited the kitchen of Gordon Ramsey, or the cleanliness of my mother over the holidays, I will not be placing my bare ass anywhere near your rotting fruit bowl or your 7-piece CutCo knife set. Sure, the kitchen is filled with necessary foreplay assets, like whipped cream and syrup, but chances are, if you feel the urgent need to set up camp on the kitchen counter, you’ll have already decided to forgo said toppings, or foreplay, or hell, a condom for that matter. Plus, I’ve spent more money than I’m willing to admit on Pilates classes so my ass doesn’t look like a fucking chicken cutlet, and the last thing any girl would want is to actually smell like one.
7. An Airplane Bathroom
I’d be lying if I said that joining the Mile-High Club isn’t the top bucket list item on my phone notepad, but the idea itself is fucking dumb. Unless you’re Kylie Jenner on a private plane and whatever ugly rapper she’s fucking now, having sex in that tiny-ass bathroom without getting caught is virtually impossible. Honestly, what’s the appeal here? It’s awkward enough trying to maneuver around someone in the airplane hallways after they’ve just yacked up their lunch, but you can’t even sit on that toilet without an entire butt cheek hanging off and feeling like you’re going to be sucked into a black hole, let alone withstanding the smell of pee you just stepped in. What’s the reward here? A bag of expired peanuts? An attempt for a cool story? At this point, you’re better off giving a handy under the blanket until the fasten seatbelt sign turns on.
Sometimes, even for sex goddesses such as ourselves, banging the same person can get a little predictable. You meet for dinner, drink too much wine, the condom breaks and you take a terrifying trip to the pharmacy down the block, etc. etc. etc. Nothing to write home about. Not that you would write home about your sex life, anyway. Weird. And considering how easily betches get bored, it’s no wonder 75 percent of hookups end in male tears (citation needed). It also explains why your mom is still obsessed with 50 Shades of
Fucked Up Grey despite it being a literally terrible book and possibly the work of a 13-year-old virgin with an overactive imagination.
But let me be clear: There are a bunch of ways to make sex more interesting without resorting to fisting and butt plugs (unless you’re into fisting and butt plugs (That’s what 50 Shades is about, right?). I mean, IDGAF if that’s your thing, but you have to know that’s a little out there for most of the population. So for everyone else that wants their night to include something other than missionary-doggy-style-missionary-sleep, here are eight ways to avoid getting bored without being that one friend who fucks a new guy off Bumble every day of the week. We’re not slut shaming, we’re just saying…
1. Try New Positions
Think about the hookups you’ve had in the past six months. Do you go for the same positions over and over again? Missionary has a reputation for being vanilla AF, but even
inexplicable and gross kinky positions like the rusty trombone get old if you do them six times a week. (But seriously, don’t try the rusty trombone. Don’t even look it up on Urban Dictionary. You have been warned.) Unless you want to have the same sex life as a middle-aged couple, don’t get stuck doing the same positions over and over again just because they work. It’s like that time you were obsessed with Pilates—first, it was awesome and you felt fucking amazing. Six weeks later, you wanted to choke out the instructor just to silence her peppy voice, and not in a sexy way. I’m not saying that you have to turn into a walking Cosmo article or anything, but throwing a little reverse cowgirl into your routine never hurt anybody. Well, except for the fact that reverse cowgirl is responsible for over half of all penile fractures but like, whatever. Just be careful, I guess? Break hearts, not dicks.
2. Have Morning Sex
Waking up anytime before 12pm honestly feels like a human rights violation so I totally understand if you did a spit-take just now, but hear me out. One of the easiest (read: laziest) ways to add variety to your sex life is by switching up the time of day. Try setting your alarms earlier—be honeset with yourself, you only need to set it like 10 minutes early. Also maybe keep some mints near the bed to combat any aggressive morning breath situations that might occur. Morning sex is basically like a mini-morning workout, without any of the having to get up early and shower and get to the gym that usually comes along with it. As we all know, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Meaning just one or two sessions of morning sex will make you far less likely to kill your husband in the future/kill your annoyingly peppy coworker who wishes you “happy Wednesday.”
3. Set A Time Limit
Type A betches, this one’s for you. If your dude finishes sex way too fast (tragic), try
dumping him setting a minimum time limit to slow stuff down. This will probably mean incorporating more foreplay, oral, vibrator type stuff into your bedroom routine, which never hurt anybody. Well, except the 2,500 people who went to the hospital in 2012 for sex-toy related injuries. But that’s kind of on them. And 50 Shades of Grey. If, on the other hand, you always end up late for things because you and your SO get caught up in marathon sex, good for you—but also try for a quickie to shake things up. Plus, your skin will be all glowy when you get to brunch on time for once.
4. Have Sex In A Different (Not Public) Place
This is another lazy betch tip: Have sex in different place than normal. Like in Big Little Lies when Renata and her weird husband have sex in the bathroom and she’s happy for approximately 30 minutes. And besides, it’s honestly more work to move from the living room floor to the bedroom anyway, so you’re doing yourself a favor here. Just pause the Netflix, go at it, and resume. No need to change locales. But please—don’t have sex somewhere gross like your parents’ bed or anyone else’s bed or anywhere public because that shit can get you arrested, and we don’t want to be responsible for that because we’re not posting your bail.
5. Fantasize Like You’re Bored At School
You might feel like a sex pro at this point in your life, but that’s not actually true unless you’re a literal professional. In which case, what are you even doing here? Basically, there’s a bunch of stuff you’re probably still curious about, so start paying attention to your sexual fantasies and notice what themes come up often. You’re smart—if you like to daydream about hooking up with a blindfolded Jesse Williams, you can figure out a way to incorporate that into your sex life (minus the actual presence of Dr. Avery, unforunately). If you’re feeling a little starved for ideas, here’s a good place to start:
6. Get Dressed Up
I think we all know the power a simple wardrobe change can have on our level of attractiveness. Who doesn’t feel sexier when they’re wearing makeup and lingerie? I’m the first person to support wearing yoga pants 24/7, but we all have to admit they’re not exactly a turn-on. Pick a random day to get all dressed up and seduce your SO with the element of surprise. Even Forever 21 sells lingerie now (I would know, I was there yesterday), so don’t try to hit me with the “help me, I’m poor” excuse.
7. Get Your Man To Dress Up
Dressing up is a two-way street. It’s, like, the rules of feminism that if you’re willing to smell nice and put on fancy lingerie, so can your SO. Maybe not the lingerie part (again, unless you’re into that), but if he’s always wearing cargo shorts and Sperry’s, he can’t actually expect anyone to be attracted to him. If he doesn’t know that, someone has to be brutally honest with him sooner or later, and you’re just the woman for the job. Tell him that if he doesn’t leave the house right now, rent at tux, and pretend to be your Gatsby then you’re just going to open up your Instagram DM’s and hit up the first guy in there. JK, don’t do that. But you know what we mean.
8. Use Sex Toys
If you don’t already own at least one sex toy, ask yourself: why? You spend all this time pampering your face, hair, and nails, why not set aside a little extra dough to pamper your platinum vagine? There are literally so many different types of sex toys that there’s no reason you can’t try at least one. You don’t have to go straight to pegging your BF; you can keep it casual. All you need is a vibrator and like 10-15 minutes of alone time to figure out what works. At the very least, you’ll no longer need a man who actually knows where the clitoris is in order to have a satisfying sex life— you’ll be the leading world expert in getting yourself off. If only that was the kind of skill you could put on your resume.
Honestly, it’s not hard to keep sex interesting as long as you actually try to switch things up. But don’t blame me if any of this stuff doesn’t work—you’re the one who’s getting sex tips from someone on the internet. As cool as it would be, I’m not a sexual psychic (yet).
The video for the song no one asked for is finally here! I’m talking about the moody rollercoaster from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack, “I Don’t Want To Live Forever.” A song that supposedly took only a week to make now has an accompanying video that looks like it was put together in 30 minutes. Makes sense.
If for some reason you want to copy faux underdog-turned-model-hoarder-turned-reptile,Taylor Alison Swift, or are just interested in emanating the same desperate kind of vibe, then today’s your lucky day. Because much like her response to that leaked Kanye footage (which she copied and pasted directly from her publicist) Tay’s makeup is really not hard to replicate at all.
According to makeup artist Pat McGrath’s Instagram, the specific lip color combo on Taylor’s lips is Pat McGrath’s Lab Lust in 004. Unfortunately, it’s sold out. But, you can still get the look.
Start with a liquid lipstick in dark red, like Anastasia Beverly Hills Liquid Lipstick in Vamp.
Then, mix an adhesive like this one with some glitter. MAC Reflects Blackened Red Glitter should do the trick. Then, put it on your lips. Then, call all of your ex boyfriends and ask if they want to get back together with you and when they say no, burst into flames.
Really all you need for this is a shit ton of eyeliner and false lashes and a false sense of superiority. Try the classic style from Huda Beauty to get a similar effect:
If you’re feeling wild and like you might want to date a man who would wear a tank top with your initials on it, you can dust a taupe matte in your creases. Bobbi Brown’s shadow in Taupe is legit.
As for how to replicate the rest of her psycho vibe?
And whatever TF this hair twirl thing is? Is it supposed to be sexy and/or sexual? TBD.
I have no idea. But, I do want to point out that in this video, Taylor’s plucking white roses. Guess who else once gave her a ton of white roses.
She might not want to live forever, but she sure as fuck will hold a grudge until the day she dies.