The Premise Of The New '50 Shades' Book Is Hilariously Bad

If you ever read 50 Shades Of Grey and thought, “This is pretty sexy, but it would be wayyyy sexier if I could hear these exact same events told from the perspective of a man,” then you’re in luck! Twilight fan fiction author-turned-porn-book-woman E.L. James will be releasing a new installment of the 50 Shades series called Darker: 50 Shades Darker as Told By Christian, which is, you guessed it, a retelling of the second 50 Shades book from the perspective of Christian, and with the longest book title known to man. E.L. James, you know don’t have to like, explain the entire premise of the book in the title, right? Like, Harry Potter books are just called Harry Potter And The XYZ not What It’s Like To Go To Wizard School From The Perspective Of Harry James Potter, Boy Wizard. It’s not necessary.

The new book will come out on Nov. 28th, just a few months after the release of the film version of Fifty Shades Darker, so those of us me who only see the 50 Shades movies because we don’t want to be spotted reading a porn book in public will be able to hear Anastasia’s side of the story, before Christian gets his man thoughts all over it.

E.L. James teased pages from the new book on Facebook over a year ago and horny soccer moms 50 Shades stans have been wet with anticipation ever since.

Ugh should I not have said wet? I’m sorry. That’s gross.

Anyway, this type of re-release is nothing new for the sopping wet avid 50 Shades fans. E.L. James pulled a similar move back in June of 2015 when she released Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian. Again, there is no need for these titles to be so long. That’s what the inside of the book is for.

Not that E.L. James needs any advice from me. Grey: Fifty Shades of Blah Blah Blah sold over 1 million copies in its first week, despite the fact that literally every critic said it was hot, steamy garbage. It’s almost like the reason 50 Shades is so popular has nothing to do with literary merit or something…

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.