My best friends and I are all single, and one of our favorite things to do (over some drinks, of course) is talk about the individual relationship rules we have for ourselves and our imaginary partners (mine has a nose ring and a sleeve). Some of my friends are totally against the boyfriend-having-a-girl-best-friend thing (something I don’t mind), while I’m a diehard advocate of having my own bedroom (which they don’t get). And when it’s time to present our reasoning to the group, it’s usually done over snort-laughs and tears in our eyes. But one thing we always get into heated discussions about is how important it is for our future partners to be friends with our best friends.
For many people, the Spice Girls hit the nail on the head when they said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Personally, I have a very different tune in mind.
I don’t think my partner needs to be besties with my besties — in fact, I’d prefer it if they weren’t. That’s why they’re my besties. Now, before you go calling me “selfish” or “insecure,” don’t get me wrong, I love my best friends more than anything, and it doesn’t have to do with me not “trusting” them around a partner (they think every man I’ve dated has been hideous and vice versa). I also hope that my friends at least like whoever I decide to be with, and I am glad I’m with them. I just never cared for the person I’m dating to be buddied up with my best friends.
Of course, I’d want them all to be comfortable with each other, especially if we ever have a rare night out together. But do I need my best friends to adore him enough to make him an extension of the group? Absolutely not. Girl time is sacred, and the idea of bringing a man around to hang with my friends all the time gives me the ick. For me, it’s more about having a healthy balance between my friendships and relationships and ensuring I get the space to foster friendships outside of a partner.
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“The degree of closeness between your partner and your friends can vary depending on personal preferences, boundaries, and the dynamics of each relationship,” Dr. Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, tells Betches. “Communicate about it, respect each other’s boundaries, and be inclusive while maintaining your independence.”
And personally, my boundary is leaving my S.O. out of the group chats. For others who agree with me, they’ve learned the hard way that having your partner be best friends with your best friend can get… messy.
Jen M. (43) still remembers how her former best friend had a huge crush on her college boyfriend and would always invite him out with them, even though her boyfriend claimed to find her annoying. Even after they broke up, her best friend would hang out with him and console him. “Eventually, they started hooking up, and she told me they were dating. When I asked him, he said he still found her annoying but hot, so in his mind, they were just hooking up,” she said.
For Kristen A. (31), her best friend and boyfriend, already started pretty chummy since they’d have foursomes and then threesomes together. After she and her boyfriend broke up, he moved in with her best friend (???) and later admitted that he cheated on her while they were together. “They were together for a year or so after this but ultimately didn’t work out. It upset me to lose my best friend, and I definitely had to work through some of this trauma, but I feel much happier now without all these people in my life,” she said.
While these are definitely worst-case scenarios that have to do more with the people themselves, they’re still cautionary tales. Do I think anyone who brings their partners around their best friends will end up being abandoned by both of them so they can live together? No. Am I still going to use these stories to push my own personal agenda? Of course, I am.
