I was 22 years old the first time my mom made it clear she wanted grandchildren. It was Thanksgiving, and I came home from college with my (then) boyfriend. In what I thought was a hilarious joke, I told her I was pregnant, fully expecting a dramatic freakout. Instead? She laughed and said, “That would be fine!” Not the reaction I was looking for, but message received.
As time went on (and I dumped said ex and married my husband), I couldn’t help but notice my mom’s borderline Pavlovian response to the word “baby.” A passing mention of kids at dinner? Her eyes would light up before she quickly changed the topic. Is someone in the family pregnant? She’d tell us all about it, then rush from the room before we’d get the chance to respond. She never said “pregnancy,” “baby,” or “grandchildren” in front of us — almost like she was afraid that if she uttered the words, she’d spook me into not procreating. Her reactions were so awkwardly avoidant that she was practically shouting every time we were around. More respectful than pressing us, sure, but not the subtle move she thought it was.
So, when I came across the viral New York Times article about the “quiet, unspoken” dynamics between grandparents and the grandkids they’ll never have in child-free families, I couldn’t stop laughing. Quiet? Subtle? Boomers and Gen Xers? Not in this lifetime.
What is “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent” Article About?
Apparently, The New York Times thinks it’s time to throw a pity party for parents who aren’t reliving their glory days by becoming grandparents. The article dives into the so-called “quiet bond” that exists between grandparents and grandchildren, highlighting the disappointment and resentment found in families where the middle generation has decided to stay child-free. It touches on the grief some parents feel when their adult kids opt out of parenting altogether, leaving them without any adorable “mini-me’s” (ugh) to flood their Facebook feeds or dress up in fugly “Grandma Said I Could” onesies.
To be fair, the article acknowledges that there’s no one-size-fits-all experience for child-free families. Some grandparents manage to build strong relationships with nieces, nephews, or even “adopted” grandkids through community bonds. But the overall vibe? Heavy on the sympathy for the 50+ age group who aren’t getting the Instagram-worthy grandparent experience they feel entitled to.
The piece ends on a dramatic note of melancholy about the ~profound losses~ experienced when people (aka, our generation) choose not to have kids. And honestly, while I understand the sadness of unmet expectations, it all feels a little… woe is me, especially when the “me” in question has nothing to do with deciding whether to bring a child into the world.
In Defense of The Wanna-Be Grandparents
Before I rip apart the toxic notion that the older generation deserves grandchildren (and don’t worry, I will), let me cut ‘em a littleeeee slack. For many parents, the dream of becoming a grandparent isn’t just about holding a cute baby or bragging to their friends. It’s about legacy, family traditions, and getting a do-over on all the mistakes they definitely made raising us. In their minds, being a grandparent is like being a parent on easy mode — all the fun, none of the sleepless nights. So yeah, when that expectation isn’t met, it’s understandable that they might feel a little bummed.
And sure, I can acknowledge that their feelings are valid… to an extent. Not having the chance to pass down their questionable pie recipe or hear a toddler mispronounce their name as “Glamma” probably stings a bit. And sadness isn’t something we can necessarily control. I mean, I’m sad I never made it big on-screen and have the kind of fame and money that makes people hate the Kardashians. It’s a shame, but it’s not like I was ever entitled to that (I mean, I wasn’t born into America’s royal family, after all).
The thing is, these wanna-be grandparents’ grief is about *their* expectations, not something that was taken from them. Feeling disappointed is one thing, but turning that into guilt trips and forming a victim mentality over an experience they convince themselves they’re owed? That’s where things go from “I understand” to “what the actual fuck.”
Why The Article is, Respectfully, Bullshit
Let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t some quiet, stoic grief. The vast majority of wanna-be grandparents aren’t sitting in silent reflection, clutching a handkerchief while staring wistfully out a window. In reality, it’s guilt trips, passive-aggressive comments, and endless unsolicited advice served up at every family gathering. You know the type: “You’ll understand when you’re a parent,” or “But what about my grandbabies?” Sound familiar?
And while I can acknowledge their sadness, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room: a lot of these would-be grandparents haven’t even done the bare minimum to address the trauma they passed down to us. How are you mourning the chance to shape a future generation when you haven’t even fully patched things up with this one? Maybe, before getting all victim-y about your imaginary grandkids, take a moment to check in on the kids you actually raised. Because the truth is, a lot of millennials and Gen-Zers are still unpacking generational baggage while Boomers and Gen-Xers are daydreaming about cute onesies.
Shouldn’t our parents care more about supporting us in our dreams and the lives we seek rather than pushing us to have kids, which doesn’t make sense for many of us emotionally, financially, or physically? This isn’t about wanting to help and support the next generation. If that were the case, there are plenty of volunteer opportunities that could scratch that grandparent itch.
Instead, the article comes off as a bunch of older people feeling entitled to a legacy, as if once their child reaches a certain age, their sole purpose is to continue the bloodline. We’re not the goddamn Malfoys. If your sense of purpose relies entirely on someone else having a baby, maybe it’s time to pick up a new hobby — or a good therapist.
At the end of the day, their disappointment doesn’t trump our right to make our own choices. And honestly? It shouldn’t even be a factor in our decision-making process. If they feel resentment toward our child-free lives or think they’ve been swindled out of a life experience they were never promised, that’s on them. But publicly airing your grievances in The New York Times because your kids made a choice that was best for them? Yeah, not the best way to keep the relationship you should be fostering — the one with your kids — intact.
Want grandkids? Cool, adopt a puppy or start a garden. But don’t confuse your expectations with an actual moral obligation. And to Lydia (the woman at the start of that NYT article): unless your old, dog-eared copy of The Velveteen Rabbit is uploaded to an iPad with Bluey and games on standby, your non-existent grandkids wouldn’t GAF anyway.
