We all know that the Oscars and Golden Globes are rigged, so the only important ranking is in Betchiness. I don’t really care about how well the actresses’ managed to fake cry, as each year features the same people. It’s always an Emma, Emily, or Anne. Instead, I’d rather talk about the characters and how much they managed to gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss.
I get my life advice from unhinged female characters, so I need to know just how psychotic I should be in 2024. To help with this, here’s a betchy and unfiltered ranking of the Oscars leading girlies. Including the girlies that weren’t mentioned in the Oscars but fucking should have been, thanks to it being run by MEN.
Bella Baxter — Poor Things
When I entered the cinema to watch a seemingly Frankenstein-inspired film starring Emma Stone, this wasn’t what I had in mind. The testimony of that is the fact that I brought my sister and her boyfriend along. Cut to two hours spent mortified as yet another graphic sex scene unfolded on-screen, while both my sister and her boyfriend looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo for suggesting this film.
Sex aside, it was so slay. Like obviously, a Frankenstein-esque monster is going to want to run around and fuck everyone. Bella did what we all want. If we had no inhibitions, we’d be fucking anything that moves too. She is a high-sex drive queen and a bi-icon. I felt so represented by how she gorged on cookies, cried over poor people, and had all the sex she wanted. First place goes to Bella Baxter, and we’re not going to address the weird baby/mama thing, as it makes me super uncomfortable.
Elspeth Catton — Saltburn
Rosamund Pike could slap me in the face, and I’d genuinely thank her for it. Any character played by the Gone Girl herself is going to bring the betch, there’s no doubt about it. Her delicious line delivery was the spark of every scene. I couldn’t name any other character except Elspeth Cunty Catton. She’s oblivious, vain, and regal. Her shoulders must have been aching from carrying the weight of this film. Her lack of an Oscar nomination is the true tragedy of Saltburn.
Self-described as having a total aversion to ugly things, I couldn’t agree more. She collects people and stories the way I collect parking tickets. But girlie loses points for being a Times New Roman girlie. Like really? That’s barely a step above Comic Sans.
Kitty Oppenheimer — Oppenheimer
Emily Blunt can do no wrong, but as Kitty Oppenheimer, she didn’t do many rights. For approximately 90% of the film, Kitty was a bit of a drag. Like don’t get me wrong, your hubby is sleeping with Florence Pugh and building a literal nuclear bomb, so life isn’t all roses. But girlie was not vibing at all. I kinda wished she would go and have some fun herself, but I guess there aren’t too many choices at a governmental base run by your ball and chain.
Nevertheless, she persisted. Kitty managed to make a comeback at the eleventh hour, and you know exactly what scene I’m talking about. When my girl took that slow-mo puff of her ciggie and gave the interviews that look, I had literal chills. My girl earns second place just for that scene. Give her an Oscar just for that scene. Give her anything, just don’t ever turn that gaze on me pls.
Sandra Voyter — Anatomy of a Fall
A successful author who accepts no bullshit from the prosecution? Welcome to my list of idols, Sandra Voyter. Watching her scenes made me briefly think maybe I could pull off tailored suits, but that moment luckily passed quickly. Sandra would’ve been the first to tell me not to even bother.
We don’t know whether she pushed him, only that she is legally innocent of the crime, and illegally guilty of being a boss-ass bitch. As a fellow writer girlie, I kind of love the idea that she wrote her murderous thoughts into some side character. I’m not saying this made her kill him, just that it would work a hell of a lot better than therapy. All my unresolved feelings and rage goes into characters rather than healthy communication.
Elizabeth Berry — May December
Okay, but who doesn’t love a manipulative girlie? Like, come on, we all love a bit of a bunny boiler. Elizabeth is committed to the character. She is like the female version of method acting. We don’t do anything halfway, we don’t just play a role on-set, we live with that person and fuck their partner. Yeah, you heard me, girlie did the research. Although, if he’s played by Charles Melton, I’d commit to the full shag too.
It’s not her fault, she’s an ACTRESS! She is doing the work, and I respect her for it. But betchy bordered on just plain bitchy when she was so mean to Joe post-coital. Like, girlie, put him down easy, don’t tell him it’s “just sex.” I love you, Joe, I’ll give you some post-coital cuddles any day.
Sofia — The Color Purple
Danielle Brooks is an absolute vision in purple on the red carpets this award season, and her portrayal of Sofia in The Color Purple is what brought her to these shows. This isn’t her first time playing the iconic role of Sofia, as she was in the Broadway revival in 2015 as well.
Sofia is the powerhouse of the film. While she is inspired by Celie to keep her head down and not cause a fuss, she is actually inspiring all of us to ask more and expect more. You bet that Sofia has some mad boundaries in place. She was in her Reputation era while the rest of us were still in Speak Now.
Plus, “I read what pleases me” is literally me on any bridesmaids’ group chat.
Diana Nyad — Nyad
I’m more of a doggy paddle/keep my hair dry girlie, so I can’t quite relate to Diana, but I do fucking respect her. Like 60 years old and swimming for 60 hours??? I get out of breath from walking upstairs. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be her for a day. I need her energy bottled up to use whenever deadlines pile up and I feel stressy.
She is a boss. Not just because she swam 110 miles over open water (SHARKS!!! JELLYFISH!!!), but because she was so nonchalant about it all. Like yeah, I just want to prove we can do this at 60 heehee. Forget wanting to be like her at 60, I want to be like her right now.
Bonus points for her bestieship with Bonnie Stoll, who is also her coach. Like I live for besties in film. I love that shit. Gimme more besties girlbossing any goddamn day.
But despite this amazing achievement, it ends up about halfway on our ranking because I literally could never relate, and I think this woman should watch more YouTube videos of shark attacks. They are so scary!!
Gloria — Barbie
Hollywood’s biggest crime is that it convinced us that America Ferreira could pass as “Ugly Betty.” Like that hair and makeup team must have been working overtime because LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT HER. In Barbie, we learn that she’s more than just a pretty face, she’s a goddamn feminist!
Gloria is a working mother, and she is working the screen. She is teaching all these Barbies about emancipation and the patriarchy. Step aside Shakespeare, because she is bringing back the classic monologue.
I’ll be honest, her weird ass Barbie designs did rank her a lil lower on the list, but I love that for her!! No, really!!! It’s not my taste, but you do you, girlie. And I’d be first in line to buy a Depression Barbie.
Mollie Burkhart — Killers of the Flower Moon
Literally, what can I even say about the powerhouse that is Mollie Burkhart? Like holy shit, this woman. Her biggest faux pas is falling in love with that piece of trash and entering into his greedy lil family. But girlie does not give up. She continues to lobby Washington to look into these murders as clearly SOMETHING IS UP. It does not take a genius like Mollie to figure out that something sus is clearly happening on the reservation. I am always last place in Cluedo and even I can see what is happening.
Thanks to Mollie, something actually happens about it (although justice is not served enough, let’s be honest). Also, girlie ends up divorcing and remarrying, so she is a queen for that. Three husbands over her lifetime? Iconic. Inspirational.
Felicia Montealegre — Maestro
I have an unhealthy obsession with Carey Mulligan, and I am no longer apologizing for it. I don’t know if it’s her accent, her lil squinty smile, or the incredible roles she takes. Also, she is married to Marcus Mumford. Yeah, of Mumford and Sons. Fun little fact for you there.
But enough about Carey, let’s talk about Felicia Montealegre, which is an absolutely ridiculous-sounding name but a boss character. She is the heart of this film. She is the star. Like Leonard Bernstein is cool and all but FELICIA.
Her telling him that he doesn’t realize how much he needs her is me in every single relationship I’ve had, except in her case, it is actually true.
She loses slay points for turning a blind eye to all of her hubby’s infidelities. Like why didn’t y’all discuss some ethical non-monogamy? Why didn’t Felicia go out herself and give me a call? I couldn’t care less whether Leo was sleeping with men or women, but rather that they didn’t sit down and discuss this open relationship first.
Nevertheless, Felicia is the center of his world, and I love that for her. I am someone who needs to be the center of attention, and she captures that perfectly. Bravo, Felicia!
Mary Lamb — The Holdovers
My favorite thing about this film is the old-style trailer with the narrator. Like, I missed those trailers so much. They take me back to better days when Lindsay Lohan starred in everything, movies were under two hours long, and popcorn was drenched in butter.
We all need a Mary in our lives. Paul and Angus especially need a Mary in their lives. I just need this woman to give me a massive hug and pet my hair. I guarantee all of my problems would go away. My depression would be cured instantly.
She is a Mama Bear with no one to mother, and it is heartbreaking. She is also the only one ready to tell it straight. Someone had to call out Paul for being a dick, and she was ready to step up to the plate. She is the friend who would tell you that the latest TikTok trend does not suit you and your slicked-back hair is bordering on greasy. She’s brutal but honest, and we love her for it. Pray you run into her in the bathroom on a night out.
