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Congratulations team, we’ve finally made it to the end of award season. This year’s path to the Academy Awards has been especially arduous, with COVID-related scheduling changes tacking on an extra two months to the entertainment industry’s self-congratulatory tour. So now we just have one more Sunday night slog to get through, but if you’ve watched any of this season’s big shows, you’ll know that COVID has affected way more than where these shows fall on the calendar. 

Every pandemic-era award show has tried something a little different, but February’s Golden Globes were definitely whatever the opposite of the gold standard would be. The participation trophy standard? We can workshop that, but the Golden Globes were excruciating. With a bloated runtime, speeches delivered exclusively via Zoom, and half-baked presenter bits IRL, the entire affair was just bleak. A few weeks later, the Grammys took their stab at a COVID-compliant event, and it actually kind of worked! The multi-stage performance setup and outdoor award presentation area felt as normal as one could hope for, and while the Grammys are always too long, at least they didn’t feel like a work meeting you could’ve skipped.

So with all that in mind, what will the Academy do? Last month, shortly after the Oscar nominations were announced, the show’s producers sent an email to nominees laying out some guidelines for the ceremony. Notably, the email discouraged “casual dress”—no Jason Sudeikis hoodies, please—but the most jarring bit of info was that there would be no virtual option for those unable to attend in person. The producers wrote, “For those of you unable to attend because of scheduling or continued uneasiness about traveling, we want you to know there will not be an option to Zoom in for the show.” They added that they’re focused on providing an “ENJOYABLE” experience in person, and that the “virtual thing will diminish those efforts.”

Ah yes, the “virtual thing.” Now that I think about it, I guess Zoom happy hours aren’t quite as fun as the real thing—I’m glad someone finally said it! Unsurprisingly, though, people had questions about this decision. With many nominees currently working in Europe and elsewhere, and many international travel restrictions and quarantine protocols still in place, coming to the Oscars this year isn’t just a matter of hopping on a plane. For anyone not currently in LA, the choice was either to skip the Oscar experience altogether, or face a huge logistical and financial headache to figure out a plan. With the backlash mounting, the Academy committee quickly backtracked, announcing that they would host satellite events for nominees in both London and Paris. Last week, producer Steven Soderbergh also confirmed that they will use “satellite hookups” for nominees who cannot attend any of these official events, though this is clearly not the preferred situation.

Great, so we’ve finally arrived at a solution where no one is being asked to risk their life so they can fly to LA to maybe win an award. Love that. But what does all this organizational chaos mean for us, the viewers? Let’s run down what to expect from this weekend’s big show.

First of all, yes, the Oscars are three hours long. But that’s not all! This year, they’re also doing a 90-minute Oscars: Into The Spotlight pre-show. Pour yourself a drink and have lots of SkinnyPop on hand, because it’s going to be a long night. It’s unclear exactly what the pre-show will be like, but we do know that this year the musical performances will be in the pre-show instead of the actual ceremony. So basically, they cut the most entertaining part from the actual Oscars and still kept the excruciating length. We’re off to a good start!

Like the last two years, the show doesn’t have a host, which is probably for the best. No one is actually that good at hosting award shows, and by the third costume change of the night, we’re always over it anyway. But there will still be lots of stars in attendance (or at least satellite attendance; it’s hard to predict). The roster of presenters is super A-list (Reese Witherspoon, Zendaya, Regina King, etc.), and this year’s nominated films are actually incredibly diverse and exciting, so there’s a lot of potential here. For the first time, the show will include pre-taped interview segments with nominees from all the categories, which basically means they’re going to make us cry. Honestly, I’m here for it.

So will this year’s Oscars actually be good? I’m not exactly getting my hopes up, but it has to be better than the “could’ve been an email” energy of the Golden Globes. Either way, we can be grateful that after this weekend we can finally go back to our favorite Sunday evening activity: focusing on our paralyzing sense of dread about the new week starting.

Images: Alex Millauer / Shutterstock.com

The longest and most packed awards season yet has finally come to a close with last night’s 2020 Oscars. While usually Hollywood gives us a f*cking break for a couple of weeks (and a chance to enjoy one single Sunday in early 2020), this year they moved the Oscars from late February to the weekend after the Super Bowl. While I’m glad that celebrities have nothing better to do, the rest of us would like to actually go to bed before midnight on a Sunday.

This year, the Oscars decided to forego a host yet again, probably because Steve Martin and Chris Rock wouldn’t agree to do it. In years past, this has been a good choice to help keep things moving, but this year instead of host monologues, they filled the time with 5-minute montages of every nominated movie for every award. The result was a Hollywood circle jerk that was FOUR HOURS LONG. Think about that. That’s half a work day. That’s about two hours longer than it needed to be. There is really no reason for it to run that long.

The Academy seemed acutely aware of all the criticisms that have been levied against it (especially in the diversity department, or lack thereof), so they decided to respond to that by having literally every presenter make some sort of joke or crack about it. I’m glad that they are at least not pretending to brush their systematic issues under the rug, and I love shade as much as the next bitch, but you know what would be a good way to fix their issues? Actually fix them and nominate more diverse contenders. It’s like when I joke about being single and lonely but never actually go on dates. 

Janelle Monáe opened the ceremony by singing the Mr. Rogers theme song, making her the only person who could be even more lovable than Tom Hanks. 

Janelle continued to prove why she’s Hollywood’s most lovable weirdo with her next song, where the background dancers were each dressed as a character from one of the nominated films. When she tried to get all the random celebrities in the audience to sing along with her by holding a mic up to their face, it was everything. Some were into it, but most were really not. Which is weird, because you’d think these people would do anything for more attention and camera time. It reminded me of when I go to a restaurant and they sing “happy birthday” to me, which is only a little traumatic.

The Presenters

Steve Martin and Chris Rock presented the first award, which Steve says was a huge demotion. One of the best moments, though, was when Chris Rock made fun of Jeff Bezos (who was in attendance for some reason), saying Bezos “thought Marriage Story was a comedy,” and that “He’s so rich he got divorced and is still the richest man on Earth.”

Josh Gad was actually hilarious for roasting our healthcare system and John Travolta’s pronunciation of Idina Menzel. #NeverForgetAdeleNazeem

Shia LaBoeuf emerged from whatever cave he’s been living in to present the award for Best Live Action Short Film. In a touching moment, he shared the stage with his Peanut Butter Falcon costar, Zack Gottsagen, who has Down syndrome. You can tell that Shia and Zack really have a special bond, and their moment together warmed my cold, dead heart.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig were hilariously pissed off and wouldn’t tell anyone why when presenting the award for Best Costume Design, which made sense because Kristen came dressed as a giant menstrual pad. Their singing medley about best costume design was hilarious, and not just because it brought us one of the best memes of the night, Billie Eilish’s confused reaction to their impromptu rendition of “The Thong Song”.

Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were all of us trying to pretend we know what cinematography actually is. “It’s like the person who knocks on my trailer door and tells me I have to get on set!”

Diane Keaton was on another planet when she presented Best Original Screenplay with Keanu Reeves, wearing not one, but two tweed coats and a wide-brimmed hat. Basically, she looked like Carmen San Diego but in black and white. She almost opened the envelope before even announcing the nominees, and then almost dropped the envelope announcing the winner. Diane, never change.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as Cats characters saying “no one better than us understands the importance of good visual effects,” which was expert level shade. I also was way too captivated watching them hit the mic back and forth for like, three full minutes, pretending to be cats.

The Awards

Regina King presented the award for Best Supporting Actor, with Brad Pitt winning for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, his first Oscar win. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for Brad, but salty that Jen was not in attendance so we could have more memes of them holding hands. Like, what, did she have something better to do last night? Brad dedicated his speech to Quentin Tarantino, saying, “the film industry would be a darker place without you.” Which leads me to believe he hasn’t seen a Tarantino movie? Because they’re pretty f*cking dark.

Toy Story 4 won for Best Animated Movie, and while the millennial in me was thrilled about it, the part of my brain that uses logic was not. Let’s call a spade a spade: Toy Story 4 was an enjoyable movie, but it did not need to happen. Toy Story 3 was a perfect close-out to the series, and now that the fourth one has one an Oscar, Disney/Pixar are going to keep marring this otherwise perfect series by bringing us a fifth movie that nobody wants or needs.

Jojo Rabbit won for Best Adapted Screenplay, and you could tell he was so nervous up there that I wanted to give him a hug. As an indigenous person from New Zealand, Taika was one of the few bits of diversity among the writing and directing nominees this year, so it was great to see him take home an award.

Laura Dern won Best Supporting Actress for her role in Marriage Story, which has got to be the only time I’ve been upset about Laura Dern winning an award. Judging by Twitter’s reactions, I’m pretty sure I’m alone on this, but still. Justice for Florence! (As an aside, I guess this means I need to watch Marriage Story, which I’m reluctant to do because my first-person account of love and dating in 2020 is bleak enough as it is.)

Elton John and Bernie Taupin won for Best Original Song in Rocketman. The song itself is kind of forgettable, but no one is gonna complain about Elton John winning an Oscar. Actually, I’m sure the people behind Frozen II are gonna complain, but maybe they should focus on fixing the plot holes in their movie first.

Joaquin Phoenix won for Best Actor in Joker, and his acceptance speech was almost as confusing as Eminem’s performance (more on that in a sec). He went from artificially inseminating cows, to talking about how bad milk is, to somehow relating it to human rights? That sounds like something I dreamed up while high, but I swear it actually happened.

Renée Zellweger won her second Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Judy Garland, which really was incredible. Also incredible is Renée’s journey from a few years ago, when she resurfaced in Hollywood, and all people could talk about was that her face looked different. We love a comeback story.

And of course, last but not least, Parasite really cleaned up, winning Best Original Screenplay, Best International Film, Best Director, and finally, Best Picture. Is the Academy listening to everyone (and I mean everyone)’s calls for diversity? (Maybe not, because the women still got screwed.) But still, it’s something. Everyone in the audience was thrilled for them, meaning that for once, the Academy didn’t f*ck it up—except for when they tried to dim the lights on the Parasite crew’s acceptance speeches and the entire audience chanted until they put the lights back on and gave everyone their time. Look, if you let Joaquin Phoenix ramble on about artificially inseminating cows for seven minutes, you could give the Best Picture winners more than their 45 seconds.

Performances

I’m still not sure why Eminem came out to sing “Lose Yourself” in 2020, but I do know that I cheered out loud when it happened. It was our Shakira/J.Lo Halftime Show. I would kill to be a fly on the wall in that pitch meeting. The best part of the entire awards ceremony were all the confused faces they panned to in the audience.

Cynthia Erivo looked incredible, and almost like an Oscar, performing the song from Harriet. I’m a little salty she didn’t win for this song, just because she would’ve been the youngest person to ever EGOT, but who can really be mad about losing to Elton John?

Chrissy Metz showed up to sing “I’m Standing With You” from the movie Breakthrough, which I had never heard of until *checks watch* 12 hours ago. Turns out, Chrissy Metz can actually sing, but I’m not sure why she’s doing random movies about the power of Jesus. Girl, I know those This Is Us checks are nice, so take a break.

The performance of “Into The Unknown” from Frozen II was actually really cool, because they had Elsas from a bunch of different countries sing parts of the song in their own languages. This was also smart because it meant that Idina Menzel only really had to sing one verse. Last time she sang at the Oscars, it didn’t go super great, but this time was much better. See you back here in four years for Frozen 3! 

Elton John sang the original song from Rocketman, which, as I said, is kind of forgettable. I know that he was supposed to perform the song that was nominated, but I feel like he should’ve just said f*ck it and sang a medley of his hits. Give the people “Benny & The Jets”!!!

Billie Eilish showed up to sing “Yesterday” during the in memoriam segment, and she did a great job. Sadly, I was already falling asleep by the time they got to her, but that’s not her fault *glares at the Oscar producers*. I feel like the old white men who plan the Oscars saw her win all those Grammys, and were like “who’s that girl and how do we get her?” The Academy kind of f*cked up by not including Luke Perry in the tribute, especially considering that he had a small part in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. It felt rude, to say the least.

The 2020 Oscars managed to do the impossible and be even longer than last year, which means I’m going to need to go to bed at 8pm every night this week to make up for all the lost sleep. There were no big upsets or surprises this year (looking at you, Shape of Water), except for the fact that I didn’t really think the Academy would do the right thing and choose Parasite for Best Picture. But I’m glad they did! Overall, every win was pretty well-deserved, and there was nothing too controversial. Now just call me Bong Joon-ho, because I’m ready to drink tonight.

Images: Craig Sjodin / Getty; Giphy

Now, before you all come for me… Is Hustlers an amazing film? Yes. I mean, I’m a gay man who’s obsessed with Cardi B, Lizzo, and J.Lo, so Hustlers could literally be a piece of sh*t spread on toast and I would still convince everyone I know to see it. Fortunately, it’s not sh*t spread on toast, but delicious avocado toast topped with perfectly ripened heirloom tomatoes, a gloriously poached egg, and a beautiful sriracha drizzle—but does avocado toast deserve an Oscar? I mean, does Hustlers deserve an Oscar? The reviews have been excellent, with rogerebert.com saying it’s J.Lo’s best work since 1997’s Selena. The Hollywood Reporter called it J.Lo’s best film to date, and Hollywood superwoman Shonda Rhimes tweeted that she only leaves her house for a movie every five years, and Hustlers is the one. For all intents and purposes, this movie is screaming “give me an Oscar,” so what’s the f*cking issue? Well, as it turns out, the woman who lived the real-life story has a major issue with it, and fittingly, like the bad bitch she’s portrayed as in the film, she’s not going down without a fight.

The film, directed by actor/writer/director Lorene Scafaria, has grossed $62 Million, tripling its budget in only 10 days, which is like…a really good ROI. (That means Return On Investment, which means that one class I actually showed up to in college did teach me something.) The premiere at the Toronto Film Festival was apparently iconic, with a 2,500-person standing ovation and guests immediately whispering that J.Lo deserved an Oscar for her performance as Ramona, the queen-pin of the strip club turned queen-pin of drugging and robbing men.

The movie tells the multi-year story of J.Lo’s character, Ramona, and Constance Wu’s character, Destiny going from making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year stripping in Manhattan before the 2008 financial crisis to drugging men and maxing out their credit cards in 2013. Cardi B essentially plays herself, with only a few brief scenes, including one of her grabbing Destiny’s hair and calling her a bitch for accidentally trying to take one of her clients on her first day, which was amazing, and something I’ve done to coworkers while serving tables before. Lizzo appears even less than Cardi, but somehow manages to sneak her famous flute playing into her scene, and Keke Palmer and Lili Reinhart both are great in their roles as underling members of Ramona’s crew. One scene in particular, with a half-naked and six-inch-heeled Keke Palmer running through a parking garage screaming, had me laughing out loud, and Lili’s character’s nervous puking adds a welcome lightness to some otherwise dark scenes.

All in all, it’s a very good movie. J.Lo looks absolutely incredible, and one scene where men are tossing singles on her while she does a sultry pole dance to Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” had me questioning if my sexuality actually was a choice. Constance Wu is… fine, and Julia Stiles could be played by literally anyone (I’m sorry, but it’s true). I could have played Julia Stiles’ character, and the fact that I wasn’t even discussed during casting is a catastrophic overlook, but I didn’t let that influence my thinking while watching the film.

The thing about it is, at no time while watching did I think this movie was going to garner Oscar buzz, and I don’t really know how to feel about the fact that it has. Let me be very clear about something, I f*cking love J.Lo, and if she won an Oscar I would be crying before she got to the stage, but then again my favorite movies of all time are Sister Act and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, so like…who am I to be judging? After all, Bridesmaids scored nominations for Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy, Anthony Hopkins won the Oscar for only 16 minutes of screen time in Silence of the Lambs, and Anne Hathaway got her Oscar for a mere 15-minute choppy AF haircut in Les Miserables. So with the rules of what qualifies as Oscar-worthy clearly not set in stone, why not consider Hustlers? I suppose that pesky little fact that the person behind the story didn’t get paid for it to be told.

The movie is based on the 2015 New York Magazine article, “The Hustlers at Scores,” written by real-life New York Magazine journalist Jessica Pressler (played by the lackluster Julia Stiles). The movie is told through the narration of the article’s main character, Roselyn Keo, renamed Destiny and portrayed by Wu for the movie. J.Lo’s character, Ramona, is based on Samantha Barbash, aka Samantha Foxx, who is currently threatening a lawsuit against STX Entertainment, the studio behind Hustlers. Samantha says she was lowballed to sign away the rights to her story, and according to her lawyer, she “unequivocally rejected all offers to be included in the film.” She claims that J.Lo never spoke to her before or during filming the movie, and she is now writing her own book about her story.

Pressler’s article and the film actually seem to stick pretty close together, with some direct lines from the article used in the film, such as, “You can’t feel bad! If we don’t do it, somebody else will do it.”

My hesitation with fully believing the movie’s story comes from the troubling fact that we don’t quite know what about the article is true. Pressler wasn’t able to fact check a lot of what Roselyn, known as Rosie, told her when she was writing it. After beginning the article by saying “according to Rosie” several times, Pressler clarifies, “I say ‘according to Rosie’ because her family did not respond to interview requests, and because Rosie is an admitted liar with multiple pending felony charges. Still, she is occasionally prone to offering up indisputable truths.” While some of the story may be fabricated, some aspects must be true, because the fact remains that men really were drugged and robbed, with one Queens strip club bartender pleading guilty last year to being in cahoots in overcharging the credit cards of two men who were drugged by strippers.

Hustlers is told in a similar fashion to 2017’s Oscar-nominated I, Tonya, with the main character narrating her own rags-to-riches-back-to-rags story while establishing an emotional connection with the audience that goes beyond whatever shady sh*t they may have done. (By the way, Nancy Kerrigan still competed in the 1994 Olympics, so like…get the f*ck over it.) The difference, however, is that Samantha Barbash more than likely won’t be sitting in the audience as J.Lo’s guest at the Golden Globes as Tonya Harding did with Margot Robbie and Allison Janney. Allison ended up winning the Oscar for her portrayal of Tonya’s mother; Margot was nominated for best actress for her portrayal of Tonya, but lost to Frances McDormand.

So aside from the question of whether or not Hustlers deserves an Oscar for the remarkable story, the way it’s been told, and/or J.Lo and Constance Wu’s performances, the fact that the real-life subject of the story is unhappy remains, and this should not be brushed over. I suppose we’ll find out whether or not the Academy will take that into consideration come February. With that being said, I would let J.Lo use me as her own personal red carpet if she wanted to.

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (3)

It’s been less than a week since the Oscars, and I’ve already forgotten pretty much everything that happened. This year’s ceremony was far from the most exciting, but the one big story we were left with was the alleged love connection between Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. For months, they’ve had palpable sexual tension at every red carpet and interview, and their Oscars performance just heightened everything. Well, Lady Gaga wants you to know that she’s heard the rumors, and that there’s nothing going on between her and Bradley.

Lady Gaga went on Jimmy Kimmel’s show this week, and she didn’t shy away from addressing the many memes about her alleged relationship with Bradley. When asked about the Oscars performance, she said “People saw love, and guess what, that’s what we wanted you to see! This is a love song, ‘Shallow,’ the movie A Star Is Born, it’s a love story!” She also added “I’m an artist, and I guess we did a good job. Fooled ya!”

Okay, so maybe I’m like way off-base here, but this doesn’t actually sound like the strongest denial that they’ve ever hooked up? Like, she mostly just talked about how they’re actors and artists and it’s a love story and blah, blah, blah, but this is exactly the kind of pretentious artist stuff I expect Lady Gaga to say. If she really wanted to shut everyone up, she could’ve been like “Bradley is in a committed relationship with the mother of his child, and I’ve never seen his penis.” But that’s not what she said!

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Nothing could be more special than sharing this moment at the Oscars with a true friend and artistic genius.

A post shared by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Feb 25, 2019 at 6:36pm PST

As I stressed earlier this week, I’ll reiterate that I have no idea if anything is going on between Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. They might not even like each other as friends! But I’m just saying that Gaga’s comments here feel weirdly wishy-washy to me. Idk, it’s just a feeling.

Gaga also had some harsh words for social media, calling it “the toilet of the internet.” She also said that what “it has done to pop culture is just, like, abysmal.” Okay, I love Lady Gaga, I really do, but she just sounds like the least fun person imaginable. Girl, the whole internet is social media! It’s not the toilet, it’s the whole damn house. Also, if you hate it so much, then get off Instagram and stop complaining!

So, moral of the story, Lady Gaga went on Jimmy Kimmel and said some annoying things that don’t actually prove anything about her and Bradley’s relationship. At this point, we might never know the real truth, and I guess I’m okay with that.

Images: Shutterstock; @ladygaga / Instagram

Last night was, as Tina Fey so aptly put it, the “1 millionth Academy Awards.” And before I dive into all the things I hate about Peter Farrelly, I want to reflect on the actual show. Before watching, I’d been planning on writing a piece on how little people cared about the Oscars this year. From the host drama to the onslaught of white male nominees, the Oscars have been more exhausting than exciting, and I was ready to declare the whole thing cancelled. Honestly, though, I had fewer complaints about last night’s show than I expected. Yeah, it was still boring—but this year, at least it seemed like they were trying to appeal to people below the age of 85. And it didn’t hurt that it was peppered with wins I actually agreed with (Ruth Carter! Olivia Colman!), plus a Gaga-Cooper thirst fest for the ages.

i think i finally understand heterosexuality pic.twitter.com/txsOxWOSr2

— E. Alex Jung (@e_alexjung) February 25, 2019

By the end of the night, though, my one complaint about the evening was crystal clear. Peter Farrelly, director of Green Book, standing on that mother*cking stage with a Best Picture award yelling about “the truth about who we are.” Well, since he’s so passionate on that point—I’d like to share with you the truth about who he is, in all his d*ck-flashing, sexist glory. (Sorry gang, I know it’s early on a Monday to be reading about d*ck-flashing. Here’s another Gaga meme to make up for it.)

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Makeup wipes save lives. #oscars

A post shared by Betches (@betches) on Feb 24, 2019 at 7:29pm PST

Let’s start simple: with Peter Farrelly’s IMDb. Before winning Best Picture last night, Farrelly directed fine feature films like Dumb and Dumber, Dumb and Dumber To, There’s Something About Mary, Fever Pitch, Hall Pass, The Heartbreak Kid, and Shallow Hal. I list all these movies to show you that I’m not just cherry-picking bad examples from an otherwise illustrious career: as far as I can tell, Green Book is among Farrelly’s very first forays outside of the “gross dude humor” genre. To illustrate my point: the movie you’re most likely to have seen from this list is There’s Something About Mary, and you probably remember it as “that movie where Cameron Diaz puts jizz in her hair.”

Now, it’s not just that I take issue with gross dude humor generally—I’m sure there’s a time and place for it. (Somewhere! Just far away from me.) But Green Book tells a true story, which means there are people who can (and did) object to how they are represented. The story, for those of you who don’t know, is that of a white man driving a black musician through the American South in the ‘60s. (I’m paraphrasing obviously, but TL;DR, racism ensues.) And you would kind of hope that the director telling this story would have demonstrated things like sensitivity, empathy, or real human curiosity with his body of work. Instead, we have the director responsible for Shallow Hal. (Not totally unrelated side note: In 2018, Amy Schumer was criticized for her movie I Feel Pretty—because people said it was too much like Shallow Hal. But sure, let’s give that director an Oscar.)

Moving on to the really fun stuff, by which I of course mean accusations of sexual harassment. A few months back, The Cut uncovered articles from 1998 detailing Farrelly’s penchant for tricking people into looking at his penis on set. Newsweek describes the brothers’ teamwork here (yes, sadly there are two of them, and they used to harass people together!):

Bobby, 40, is the straight man, all innocence as he lays the trap. Then Peter—lankier, edgier and a year older—delivers the coup de grace. You may think you’re going to be examining a mysterious blotch on Peter’s torso, or checking out his new watchband. The reality is a good deal more shocking.

Ha! Ha! How FUNNY! To think you’re leaning in to see a new watchband (a request I would already refuse!) and then to have a PENIS thrust in your face. Truly, you can see the comedic genius that brought Shallow Hal to life in the way this man lives his life—every moment is a canvas, waiting to be painted with a d*ck joke at a woman’s expense.

Should you be eager to say this was a one-time thing, please know that Farrelly estimated to the Observer that he’s done this “easily 500 times,” and, in a more reflective moment, volunteered the following quote: “I don’t like it when they laugh at my penis…But I do like it when they stare.” 2019: Another day, another man with a pathological need to have his d*ck be viewed by human eyes.

Let me be clear: I have not seen Green Book, and I don’t intend to. Frankly, the film had enough going against it even without Farrelly’s stellar reputation: the (white) lead actor used the N-word after a screening, the writer had Islamophobic tweets uncovered (even though one of the lead actors and Best Supporting Actor winner for this film, Mahershala Ali, is Muslim!!!), and relatives of the film’s subject have openly objected to the film’s depiction of events. It’s really just a fun little cherry on top that the director used to Louis CK actresses during the casting process. (And yes, Louis CK is a verb now.) While Farrelly has since apologized, it’s just such a shame that, after a relatively progressive night, the Oscars had to revert to doing what they do best: rewarding those who do the most to hold the industry back.

Images: Twitter; Instagram; Giphy (2)

I think we can all agree that the 2019 Oscars were kind of boring this year. We lost a host, but what we lost in jokes we more than made up for in time. I’m not mad about that, because this year’s awards felt pretty quick, at least in comparison to the Grammys, which aged me 45 years. That being said, the 2019 Oscars were low on controversy and shocking moments—in fact, the most unpredictable part of the Oscars were the many times my live stream would randomly cut out. When my internet connection is more uncertain than the winners of the awards, we know we’re not in for a riveting night. All things considered, though, I’ll take it. I’m overall pleased the Academy decided to make this as quick and painless as possible.

Some Oscars have highs and lows. The 2019 Oscars had more like, slight variations in a plateau. It was like the equivalent of taking a Xanax or watching Great British Baking Show—or taking a Xanax and then watching Great British Baking Show.Then again, there’s something to be said for not being over-the-top just for the sake of it. So I’m breaking down everything you missed at the 2019 Oscars.

THE PRESENTERS

Instead of a host this year, the Academy just decided to show extra long clips of each movie, which worked out because if you hadn’t seen any of the Oscar movies this year except Black Panther and A Star Is Born (hi), all you had to do was tune in to the ceremony to see the nominated films in their entirety. Half the presenters felt like they were short-listed for host. I feel like this is how the Oscars is trying out the hosts for next year—this way it saves money because they don’t have to hold auditions. The other half consisted of random people answering Craigslist ads. Like, we had Barbra Streisand—movie legend—but then we also had Jennifer Lopez, who I’m surprised she even wanted to show face after her Grammys Motown tribute.

Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph, and Amy Poehler presented for Outstanding Supporting Actress and they were who everyone wished was hosting. This was kind of fucked up, it would be like if you got catfished and then the guy whose pictures the catfish stole showed up to your date to be like “hey I’m not your date and sorry you’re gonna be forever alone.”

Jason Mamoa and Helen Mirren were there to recreate The Shape of Water or something while promoting Best Documentary Feature.

Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry presented Best Costume in silly costumes, cause at that point the Oscars were desperate for anyone to enjoy this.

JLo and Chris Evans presented for Achievement in Production Design, leading us to wonder how the hell they go about pairing people to present. We’re pretty sure The Academy just took a Buzzfeed quiz, “Pick Your Favorite Side Dish And We’ll Tell You Who to Present With At The 2019 Oscars” and that’s how they chose all these random pairings.

Emilia Clarke was presenting Jennifer Hudson, because they truly did this via Mad Libs. 

Then they had Serena Williams talk about Ally Maine, who is not actually a real person, just the main character of A Star Is Born! The Academy knew they had to give us some Lady Gaga content every 10 minutes, or else we would tune out. It was proof that all of my vision boarding actually worked. 

Keegan Michael Key flew in to introduce the song from Mary Poppins with Bette Midler singing. Well, either Bette Midler or Emily Blunt is going very unfiltered these days.

Me showing up to the pregame already drunk #oscars pic.twitter.com/g1dlQ1ZStz

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019

Trevor Noah presenting Black Panther and also shading piece of sh*t Mel Gibson was exactly what I needed to not fall asleep.

Kacey Musgraves talked about a song we’ve never heard from a movie we’ve never heard—further proof that she doesn’t even go here.

John Mulaney and Awkwafina stood on stage awkwardly and talked about their panic attacks, which was hands-down the most relatable portion of the night. It just went to show us that there were so many options for people available to host this show. Like did they just not have anybody’s number except Kevin Hart’s? Chelsea Peretti was literally sitting in the audience the entire time, could they not have called her??

Sarah Paulson and Paul Rudd presented Best Visual Effects, but the winner of that award should have been whatever face cream Paul uses that has made him stop aging for the past 20 years. That goes double for Angela Bassett, who, I’d like to remind you, is SIXTY.

Samuel L Jackson and Brie Larson presented Best Original Screenplay, and they most likely smoked together right before the show. Seriously, what was up with those two?

Tessa Thompson and Michael B Jordan aka mom and dad presented for Best Original Score, which Black Panther won. I thought you couldn’t present for awards your movie was up for? Whatever. Not mad.

And finally, Julia Roberts presented Best Picture, and she seemed like she had gotten the call to do it about 10 minutes before. They had probably chosen someone old originally but then realized they didn’t want any chance that the person reading out the card would f*ck it up.

THE PERFORMANCES

Let’s be honest, the only performance anybody watching the 2019 Oscars cared about was Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper doing “Shallow”. If you try to say otherwise, I will call the police. The performances were good but also served better as bathroom breaks. I think the entire show was just The Academy knowing how much they sucked so they just were trying to be super non-polarizing. You know how the saying goes: if you have nothing nice to say, just bring Kacey Musgraves out to present a banjo duet for a song called “When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings”, which was incidentally the original name of Andy Dwyer’s song commemorating Lil Sebastian.

Adam Lambert and Jennifer Hudson performed to remind us that the American Idol reboot is more of a sh*tshow than the Oscars. Sorry, but there is nothing anyone can make me do to get me to watch a show that should have died in 2007.

Jennifer Hudson performed in an actual Supreme Court setting for the main song for RBG, looking like a bill sitting on Capitol Hill. We love J Hud, but some of those high notes did not get hit—kind of a metaphor for the show overall, actually.

Bette Midler did great performing some song from Mary Poppins that truly no one knows the name of, but it was no “I Put A Spell On You” #JusticeForHocusPocus

But truly, all of these performances paled in comparison to “Shallow”. It literally needed no intro. They just panned to the piano and Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper got up from their seats and walked onto the stage. It had been two hours and I still wasn’t ready.

Me waiting for Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to perform Shallow #Oscars pic.twitter.com/3z4S8rnQlX

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019

The performance was so emotional—on Gaga’s end, at least. Bradley, on the other hand, looked like he could not be happier to stop having to spend 24 hours a day with a woman who’s obsessed with him. Gaga looked like she was about to kiss Bradley (which, for the record, I was rooting for). Irina Shayk was in the audience sweating. She and Bradley probably had a fight when they got home.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Makeup wipes save lives. #oscars

A post shared by Betches (@betches) on Feb 24, 2019 at 7:29pm PST

Hands down the best part of the “Shallow” performance were the memes.

Not far from the shallow with my taste in men #Oscars pic.twitter.com/5Gx69geVs0

— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 25, 2019

yup #Oscars pic.twitter.com/zNy8QJz8jQ

— Ryan Schocket (@RyanSchocket) February 25, 2019

THE AWARDS

Truly, none of the awards seemed like upsets except for Best Picture, and even that was one we could all live with because at least it wasn’t some dumb movie about a human f*cking a fish.

Regina King won best supporting actress for If Beale Street Could Talk. For the Golden Globes she brought her son, and this time around she brought her mom. I guess it’s for the best this is the last award show of the season, or else we’d see her posing with her cousin’s daughter’s roommate from BU on the red carpet. Regina King was the real winner of the night, because by winning the first award, she could spend the next three hours getting wasted.

Free Solo won for Best Documentary over RBG, proving that white men still run the world. Seriously, a movie about some dude rock climbing over one about a historic Supreme Court justice??

Black Panther won Best Costume Design, which is the only time I’ve ever cared about Best Costume Design. Black Panther won AGAIN for Best Production Design, so every white person is gonna be posting “Wakanda Forever” on their Facebook statuses today and saying stuff like “I would have voted for Obama a third time”.

At only 40 minutes into the show, three black women already won awards. I might be bored, but at least I’m not mad!

Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Sound Editing, probably because of how good everyone involved with the movie edited out the sounds of people asking questions about their abusive director … or because Rami Malek didn’t sing at all for the movie.

Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Editing for editing out all the gay sex scenes.

— Gonzalo Cordova (@GonzaloRCordova) February 25, 2019

Bohemian Rapsody also won Best Sound Mixing, and I’m still figuring out the difference between those 2 awards. Every year, I tell myself I’m finally going to look it up. Maybe next year!

Roma won Best Foreign Language film, and if you didn’t get that right on your ballot you don’t deserve to be watching The Oscars. 

Mahershala Ali won Best Supporting Actor for Green Book, his time winning that award in the last three years. Always the best supporting actor, never the bride. He wore a mix between a beanie and a Russian hat, which I guess we’ll be seeing in KITH next month, and some 1970s creeper glasses. I guess nobody told him he was going to the Oscars, not serving fair trade coffee in Bushwick.

Bao won Best Animated Short Film, which like we never knew was a category but happy for them and also we’re hungry now. Some movie about periods won Best Short Documentary, so men will be clamoring that sexism is officially dead. Please see: Solo vs. RBG.

“I’m not crying because I’m on my period or anything” – me except I end up getting my period 2 days later #Oscars

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019

Best Screenplay went to Green Book even though it was exclusively not a good film. 

BlackkKlansman won Best Adapted Screenplay, finally nabbing Spike Lee an Oscar after like, 30 years of making movies. He gave a speech that included a call to action for the 2020 election and ended with, “let’s do the right thing—you know I had to get that in there” as a “fuck-you” to the Oscars for snubbing him for Do The Right Thing. God bless Spike Lee. 

I cared more about Best Original Song than I did best picture TBH. If Shallow didn’t win I was ready to riot. I love that Gaga’s speech was inspired from “I get knocked down, but I get back up again.”

“I’ve worked hard for a long time.” – Lady Gaga winning at the #Oscars, also me after doing 10 minutes of cardio

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019

Rami Malek won Best Actor for Bohemian Rapsody… but it should really be for acting like those horrible veneers were even the slightest bit not ridiculous!

Glenn was so Close to an Oscar win. Olivia Coleman won Best Actress and it was such a Kacey Musgraves Album of the Year moment. Has a single person seen The Favourite? Speak now, I want names. But Olivia’s speech was so charming and cute and the best part of the night, so it made up for the fact that probably nobody was rooting for her to win. Legit the most entertained I have been all night. Wait, should she host next year?

Green Book won Best Picture? Okay, time to say goodnight ‘n go. To the uninformed, having a segregation-era movie about a talented black piano player who tours the south in the company of his white driver, who befriends him and learns about tolerance in the process, sounds like a win for progress. In reality, Green Book is a movie where the director used to flash his penis on set “as a joke” (sure, Jan), one of the writers tweeted anti-Muslim comments, and to top it all off, the story illustrates the white savior complex and is kind of inaccurate! This is so typical Academy/white people in general—doing what’s easy to try to seem better and more progressive, when in reality being just as bad as before, if not worse.

Well, another award show where Amy Adams got dressed up to not win something. I hope they give her and Glenn Close a punch card—maybe six Oscar nominations can translate to a Critics Choice Award or something?

To sum up, Black Panther did really better than everyone expected which was great, while Bohemian Rapsody and Green Book sweept the awards people were praying would go to maybe a movie that didn’t remove the plot of AIDS or was racist. Another tragedy? There were like NO CUTS to Lady Gaga during the show and I’m kind of shocked we didn’t just have live feed just on her. The real winners of the night were Spike Lee, who had the best time out of anyone (including any of us watching), and women and immigrants, who got a shout-out in basically every speech. Hot take: nobody in Hollywood wants the wall. Now if only they could use their money and influence to do something about it?

All in all, this awards show basically felt like watching one of the Best Picture nominees: it was a little too long, a little boring, but I guess there’s worse ways to eat too much popcorn. So, congrats for surviving the Oscars and we’ll see you next awards season!

Ever since Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper started doing press for A Star Is Born last fall, it’s been clear that they have a very special connection with each other. They both respect the work that the other does, and it also really seems like they could be f*cking. Or at least, it really seems like Lady Gaga wants to f*ck Bradley Cooper. The internet has been full of memes and jokes about them being in love for months now, and I’m here to look at what actually might be going on. Of course, I don’t actually know anything about any of this, so please don’t attack me in DMs. I’m just your average person with two eyes and access to the internet.

100 People In A Room

anyone:
lady gaga: THERE CAN BE 100 PEOPLE IN A ROOM AND 99 DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU BUT ALL YOU NEED IS ONE WHO DOES AND BRADLEY WAS THAT ONE FOR ME

— ⭐️ (@soulcondition) October 23, 2018

I start my dissertation with the Lady Gaga line heard ’round the world. And that’s because she’s literally said it in interviews and speeches around the world. For someone who has become a global icon for writing her own songs, you’d think she could get a little more creative here. The analogy is that Bradley Cooper has always truly believed in her, even when everyone else didn’t, and no matter how canned this line is, I think Gaga really believes it. She seems like a pretty sincere person most of the time, and I don’t think she would fake her admiration for Bradley.

Body Language

I won’t pretend to be some sort of body language expert from Criminal Minds, but I’m familiar with social interaction. Watch that video compilation above, and tell me with a straight face that Lady Gaga does not want to see that man naked. Well, I would bet money that she’s already seen him naked, even if it was in a platonic scenario, but she wants him. I just know it! This whole awards season, Gaga has interacted with Bradley like he’s some kind of god, and I’m kind of over it. Like, girl, you’re so talented and successful, who cares about this decent-looking white dude! But I’m not here to judge, just to analyze, so let’s continue.

The Tattoo

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Happy Valentine’s Day. A tattoo toast to “la vie en rose” by the beautiful @winterstone my spinal cord is now a rose

A post shared by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Feb 14, 2019 at 11:30am PST

If you haven’t seen A Star Is Born, fyi that I’m about to spoil something that happens in the first 20 minutes of the movie. You’ll live. The first time Jackson (Bradley Cooper) sees Ally (Lady Gaga), she’s singing “La Vie En Rose” in a drag bar. They lock eyes during the performance, and they’re basically in love from that moment on. Earlier this month, Lady Gaga celebrated Valentine’s Day by getting a “La Vie En Rose”-inspired tattoo down her spinal cord. Gaga obviously has a deep connection to this song, and it seems like it would be closely intertwined with her and Bradley’s relationship. The choice to get the tattoo on Valentine’s Day is especially important, given my next point…

The Breakup

Until recently, Lady Gaga was engaged to agent Christian Carino, but they announced their breakup earlier this month. Speculation began after Gaga appeared without her engagement ring at the Grammys, and her publicist confirmed the news last week. I won’t pretend to know what went down between Lady Gaga and Christian, but we know for sure that the engagement is over. That means Gaga is free to do whatever she wants, but Bradley Cooper is still going strong with Irina Shayk, who is the mother of his child. Sad!

The Oscars

At last night’s Oscars, Lady Gaga was easily one of the biggest stories to follow. As expected, she won her first Oscar for Best Original Song, though A Star Is Born didn’t win in any of the bigger categories. Gaga and Bradley walked the red carpet separately, so Lady Gaga got her diva moment, and Irina Shayk got to keep Bradley on an appropriately short leash. During the actual show, Irina was seated right in the middle of our two alleged lovebirds, which is shady as hell and I’m here for it. However, the most important moment of the night was when the two of them performed “Shallow” together, and it was everything I was hoping for. The performance was great, but the way she looked at him at the end…I can tell you right now homegirl was wet under that gown. There were way more than 100 people in that room, but Bradley was the only one in Gaga’s heart.

The Verdict

The way I see it, it seems extremely likely that Lady Gaga has feelings for Bradley Cooper. Literally all the signs indicate this, and I don’t think she’s that good of an actress. Don’t @ me. To me, the bigger question is whether Brad and Gaga have acted on their forbidden love connection. I won’t make a prediction, partially because I don’t want to get sued, but also because I truly can’t figure it out. This could be a love story for the ages, or they could never be seen together again after last night. Only time will tell!

Images: Shutterstock; @soulcondition / Twitter; Betches / YouTube; @ladygaga / Instagram; Giphy