Next time you’re out with your pals, I recommend asking everyone to list the film and TV characters that were their sexual awakening. This is best done after a couple of drinks, and the results are honestly eye-opening. The only issue is when you’re bisexual, the list can be very long. There are so many characters I absolutely obsessed over that I only now recognize to be a sexual interest — huh, this feels funny. Back then, I thought I wanted to be Lara Croft or just really enjoyed a film about a cartoon lion. These realizations have led me to book an emergency therapist session, so in preparation, here are all the characters I consider to be part of my purple-tinted, extremely horny, bisexual awakening.
Lara Croft
Even straight women have the hots for Lara Croft. Like Angelina Jolie in that tank top and shorts? Do not tell me you would see that delicious dessert and say no thanks. I prefer men with their stained boxers. Lara Croft was a true sexual awakening for so many of us, no matter where our sexuality strayed in later years. Tomb Raider is responsible for a lot of ruined showerheads, so advise your parents to seek financial compensation.
Peter Pan
Okay, I’d like to immediately clarify that I had this crush on a child WHEN I WAS A CHILD MYSELF. And I’m not talking about the arrogant prick of the Disney cartoon. UGH. I mean the 2003 live-action film where I was equal parts scared of the pirates and titillated by Peter. Literally, nothing will get a group of woman more lively than discussing the role of this film in their sexual awakening. I urge you to ask your besties for their thoughts on this film. Wendy was fine, Hook was something, but PETER. He had this feminine masculinity I’ve come to adore, especially in that outfit of ~just leaves~ (IYKYK!) In case you’re wondering, Jeremy Sumpter is still hot and married with a child. I wonder how it feels to peak at thirteen. I would not know; I am still waiting to peak myself.
Esmerelda
I used to find The Hunchback of Notre Dame very scary, and it was only later that I recognized all the thinly veiled religious references. Nevertheless, she persisted and loved the film. To the extent that I once tried to dress up as Esmerelda for Book Day at school — is there even a book version of this? What was my mom thinking? I didn’t have my ears pierced, so I tried to tape bangle bracelets to my wittle ear lobes. It took a few years for me to realize that I didn’t want to dress up as Esmerelda — I wanted to undress her. Also, as a white girl, I had no place dressing up as her.
Shego and Kim Possible
Yeah, no surprises here. You’ve already surmised that I was a Disney Channel girlie, and let’s just say I wasn’t there for Hannah Montana. Shego is queer, and no one can convince me otherwise. Like, look at her makeup and outfit. But Shego alone isn’t enough to earn her spot on my list of bisexual awakenings. It’s her insane sexual chemistry with Kim Possible. They would roll around on the ground. Need I say more? We all saw Kim’s cheeky lil lip bite; don’t deny it. This was the original enemies-to-lovers tale.
Azula and Zuko
LET THE RECORD SHOW: I mean them individually. I’m not suggesting incest here. Just assume going forward that I am never suggesting incest, okay? I mean both of these as individuals who are very attractive. Maybe it’s a Fire Nation thing? Like they just burn hotter. They’re like the Dauntless of the Avatar world. I liked Zuko before he became a good person — I KNOW I’LL ADD IT TO THE LIST FOR THERAPY. And Azula, oh girlie, Azula. I love a bitch. I love a bitch so much it’s not okay. The slut strands, the red lips, the power, I am here for it. Also, her friend with the crop top can come along.
Vanessa
The biggest crime of the new Little Mermaid film is that they cut Vanessa’s iconic song. That song awoke a beast in me that has never gone to sleep. When she is prancing around and singing about screwing Ariel over, my eyes are glued to the screen, titillated by the glimpse of a bare knee. In those moments, I get why an ankle was once considered so raunchy. On the right woman, a mere knobbly knee will get my heart racing. Vanessa is bisexual, and no one can convince me otherwise. “Stop politicizing cartoon characters!” the villagers cry with their pitchforks. I didn’t do it; the animators did. I would bet my right kidney there was a queer woman in that room with them — it always gets infections from wayward UTIs anyway.
Elves, elves, and more elves
I have a friend who watches the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy every New Year’s Day. I’m talking director’s cut, extended edition, the whole 11-hour shabang. I couldn’t really understand this level of dedication until I saw the elves, and now it’s confirmed to me that she is fruitier than she thinks. Someone should tell her boyfriend of seven years. Back to the important point, Orlando Bloom is a bisexual icon in that film despite being a white cis man elf. Legolas can come get it anytime. Throw Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett into the mix, and I’m right there next to her, spending my New Year’s Day absolutely hanging and watching white people prance about New Zealand.
Jennifer
Megan Fox radiates scary bi girl on and off screen. Look at her fiancee/blood-bag (that is the most bisexual choice of a man you could find). Grow a wispy attempt at a mustache and stick a Nintendo Switch in his hand, and he is every bisexual woman’s male partner. Even when she played the mean girl in that Mary Kate and Ashley film, I got the feeling she wanted to fuck one of them. But no role in the history of cinema has been as queer-coded as Jennifer’s Body. She is seen hooking up with guys (who unsuccessfully try to sacrifice her to Satan, so gay), and she is clearly in love with her best friend (again, it’s so bi). She eats boys but loves girls, the bisexual way to live.
Jade and Beck
Hypothetically, there may be a 30,000-word fanfic rotting away in a corner of the internet about me with Jade and Beck from Victorious. Hypothetically, of course. We get so focused on the black cat and golden retriever combination, as perfectly demonstrated by this hot couple. But what about the Sad Swiftie+Black Cat+Golden Retriever combination, huh? No one’s talking about that!!! One chapter of the fanfic would inevitably cover the possibility that they’re both head over heels with me and get possessive, and so I have to choose. In that case, I obviously pledge my undying love to Jade. I mean, have you SEEN Elizabeth Gillies? Like I said, all hypothetical.
Viola/Sebastian Hastings
Yeah, this is one for Freud’s couch. Like many others, I had a sexual awakening to the cult classic She’s the Man. Instead of fixating on Channing Tatum, I was more interested in Amanda Bynes, both Viola and Sebastian. This probably reveals some deep-rooted trauma from my childhood (another one!), but let’s just heehee at it. I wouldn’t mind Viola bringing some Sebastian roleplay into the bedroom while we’re at it. I am a very sick person. I am aware of this, thank you.
Rick O’Connell and Evelyn
You wouldn’t expect something about a dead Egyptian zombie to be so sexy, but that’s what you get when you cast Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz as an adventurer and Egyptologists. Yep, that’s ‘adventurer’, not archaeologist or professor or anything remotely qualified. The two of them made a hot bisexual couple, and I can’t explain it better than that. Roll around the sand, yep.
Kovu
I have a friend (who, in hindsight, I was probably kind of in love with) with whom I would frequently watch The Lion King as a teenager. But not the original, dead dad version. No, I’m talking about Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, which features the love story between Simba’s daughter and Scar’s son. It’s very forbidden lovers, and it is really easily comparable to Romeo and Juliet. Scar’s son, Kovu, is so hot in his angsty teenage years. There’s this song where everyone is like, “Destruction! Disgrace!” and I swear it was the soundtrack to my early sexual fantasies. Yes, he is a lion. Do you have a problem with that?
Rosalie
Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward? I’M TEAM ROSALIE. Okay, before y’all cancel me, obviously, I am Team Edward as well (despite my love for cartoon lions), but Rosalie stirred something deep within me. She was just so ruthless and cold… literally. The fact that the actress Nikki Reed is married to another vampire crush of mine, Ian Somerhalder (cough Damon), just completes it all. I want Rosalie’s fangs in me. However, that shot of her and the vile creature Renesmee cured me of all homosexual urges forever.
The entire cast of Pirates of the Caribbean
There is no way the filmmakers didn’t know what they were doing with this casting. Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is clearly a bisexual man. Orlando Bloom is back in my wet dreams as the dashing Will Turner. Then Keira Knightley herself (“I look quite pretty”) as Elizabeth Dwann. THIS IS NOT FAIR. There should be a PSA warning parents of the sexual magnitude of this film and advising them to remove their nice throw pillows from the TV room. Also, this may explain why every bi girl has dressed up as a slutty pirate at some point. If you haven’t, Halloween is just around the corner, or opt for some “shudder my timbers” role play in the bedroom. No need to thank me <3
Jules Paxton
Bend it Like Beckham is a non-queer queer film. Jules and Jess are the original sapphic love story; they just don’t realize it. Our girl Keira Knightley is back as Jules, the most queer-coded woman in history. NO, IT’S NOT BECAUSE SHE PLAYS SOCCOR. It’s everything else about her. Those abs are burned into my retina, and yes, I will be rewatching this film tonight.
Milo and Princess Kida
It’s been too long since I sexualized some cartoon characters, so let’s try again. Somehow, a huge proportion of people missed the cultural awakening that is Atlantis: The Lost Empire. But of those who did watch it, an insane proportion are now bisexual. That’s just science. I’m not saying this film caused it, but I’m also not saying it didn’t. They are the bisexual bingo card. Lanky, intelligent Milo is a bisexual woman’s favorite dish. Then Princess Kida is the woman we all lust after at a pride event but are too scared to go talk to; she’s got a strange color of hair, eccentric makeup, plenty of quirky jewelry, and barely-covered tits.
Daphne and Fred
What is it with fictional couples and me? Am I destined to be in a throuple or forever partaking in threesomes with couples? For once, I’m not talking about the cartoon version (Shaggy had me there). I’m talking about the cult classic 2002 film Scooby Doo, where the gang heads to the sex-obsessed Mystery Island. It did bother me slightly that she shared a first name with my sister (sorry, Daph), but couples have faced greater struggles. Those purple high-knee boots have a firm place in my heart (and on my back). I’m going to do you the biggest favor and tell you to look up the deleted scene of Velma serenading Daphne. Yep, sapphic energy was cut from this banger of a film. And Fred was Fred; I have lower standards for men than I do women; he was a himbo, and I’m here for it.
Roxanne
As a self-professed musical girlie, you might assume that I’m talking about sexy inmate Roxanne from Chicago. You would be wrong (well, kinda). I’m talking about Roxanne from 1995’s A Goofy Movie. As a young’un, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the screen whenever this film came on, as Roxanne enthralled me. I still chase after girls that look like her, the fluffy hair, the button nose, the big eyes, the curves… omg. There is no hope for me.
Princess Zelda
My ex and I didn’t have much in common except for childhood crushes on Princess Zelda. Although I always felt like he leaned a little more to Link in a do-I-wanna-be-him-or-fuck-him — but that’s his own journey to take. Princess Zelda was a hottie. Obviously, I’m referencing the adult versions of her, as I’m not a creep, I swear!! She was the OG Woman in STEM, discovering all those runes and science things. I wasn’t much of a gamer (unless Sims and Zoo Tycoon count), but Zelda can come get it any day!
Robin Hood (Fox Version)
Once I got a bit older, this and Kovu genuinely made me briefly worry I was into animals as well as boys and girls. But have no fear! They’re just animated ones!!! Robin Hood, Fox edition, genuinely got my heart thumping. Like his bride was great and all, but I knew that he’d be better off with a strong, stubborn girlie like me. This really became the foundation for my taste in men, as I like them sly, devious, and occasionally willing to rob me.
Fleur Delacour
Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley — NO! Fleur Delacour changed my DNA. Yes, it’s because she has half of my first name (we have so much in common, heehee). Not to brag, but I’m a reader, so I met Fleur in the fourth book long before the film came out. I loved her there, and I loved her even more when she was portrayed as Clémence Poésy. It was in the eyes. However, the banging body, all-blue outfit, and blonde hair didn’t hurt either. It’s also only through researching this that I’ve discovered she is the girlie in Tenet? And Chuck’s French lover in Gossip Girl? You learn something new every day!! And sometimes, it is useful stuff.
Meg and Hercules
My obsession with Greek mythology likely stems from this Disney animated film and, with it, my bisexuality. Herc is an obvious pick, as he’s muscular, tanned, and has a hero complex. At heart, I’m a damsel in distress. Only my monsters are less Hydra and more Depression. But if I had to choose between them, it would be Meg, sassy, sexy Meg. Do you see those hips??? I was hypnotized by those swaying hips from a young age. And yes, I do perform “I Won’t Say I’m In Love” at every karaoke night, and I’ll say it for you, Meg.
Alejandro and Elena
Let’s round this unbelievably long list off with something a little less controversial: Alejandro and Elena from The Mask of Zorro. Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are a fiery match that was featured heavily in my childhood fantasies. Initially, I thought I wanted to be Elena. Nope, I wanted to $%@#%##$$$#$#@@$# her. (Censored because there might be Republicans reading).
