Spotify Wrapped Day is my favorite holiday of the year and if you don’t post yours on Instagram, I have serious beef with you. It’s not a want, but a need to see your total minutes listened, all your top artists, and all your top songs. The data is a fascinating look into your psyche, and as someone who took a psychology class in high school once, I feel extremely qualified to tell you what your top artist and top song says about your personality and the state of your mental health. I hope you’re ready for a gentle, loving roast: Here’s what your 2024 Spotify Wrapped says about you.

What Your Spotify Wrapped Says About You

What Your Top Artist Says About You

If Your Top Artist Is Taylor Swift…

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You’re likely an eldest daughter white girl and/or you recently got out of an all-consuming situationship that ruined your life. You majored in English and identify with the the ~tortured poets~ community despite the fact that you’re neither tortured nor a legit poet. Roasting aside, you know great songwriting when you hear it, and you embrace the fact that you’re exactly like the other girls, which is iconic.

If Your Top Artist Is Beyoncé…

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You are the best of us and this is an enormous flex. You have It Girl energy, fierce confidence and grit, you can dance like a pro, and you would gladly thank Queen Bey until you take your last breath. Rather than criticizing or doubting Billboard’s No. 1 Pop Star of the Century for going country, you grabbed your cowboy hat, learned to line dance, and enjoyed the metaphorical rodeo. Your friends are jealous of your elite energy.

If Your Top Artist Is Sabrina Carpenter…

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You’re the most unserious person in the room, you’re a homewrecker and a slut (JK), you’re horny as fuck, and you definitely streamed Short N’ Sweet on repeat during all your ovulation phases this year. You also asked for the “Sabrina haircut” and splurged on a pair of white gogo boots. In all seriousness, you have a profound appreciation for polished pop girls who graduated from the Ariana School of Pop and I respect it.

If Your Top Artist Is Olivia Rodrigo…

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You’re realistically a 20-something-year-old teenage girl with a lot of repressed feelings, and you own Docs, Converse, and an unhealthy amount of purple clothing. You attempt to appear chill, but you’re the most dramatic diva alive. Olivia didn’t even release an album this year, so I’m a little concerned for you. Why are you still screaming “where’s my fuckin’ teenage dream” when you haven’t been a teenager for five or 10 years now?

If Your Top Artist Is Bad Bunny…

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Ugh, I wish I was you. You’re cool, fun, inclusive, the life of the party, you go to lots of clubs and concerts, you actually know what “Tití Me Preguntó” means, etc. However, you’re probably not depressed and anxious, so I can’t relate to you. Do better on that front.

If Your Top Artist Is Ariana Grande…

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We can be friends. The Grammys might be rudely ignoring one of the most important Main Pop Girls of our time, but you are a loyal bitch with an ear for greatness. You’ve seen Wicked at least three times and you have plans to go back and see it again. You’ve probably been an Arianator since 2012 because those. Damn. Vocals. You were either a Nickelodeon kid, a Broadway kid, or both.

If Your Top Artist Is Drake…

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Girlie, it’s not 2016 summer anymore, and this man’s been accused (at least by Kendrick) of some icky things recently. You’re really stuck in the past and you’re a little too comfy separating the art from the artist — I fear it’s past time to move on. Stream “Not Like Us” at least 200 times as your penance and work on being less ~basic in a toxic way~.

If Your Top Artist Is Chappell Roan…

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You’re gay, you have impeccable style, and you’re at least as horny as a Sabrina stan, if not hornier. You spend your free time thrifting and shaking ass at the pink pony club, and you also desperately need therapy but can’t afford it because you’re a full-time starving artist or activist. Some of you were insufferable musical theater kids too.

If Your Top Artist Is Billie Eilish…

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You’re gay, Gen Z, depressed, and a wannabe goth/alt girl. You’ve dyed your hair several different colors and you try to resist the urge to be basic, but you’re basic at your core and you know it. You love pop music, but preferably sophisticated pop with experimental/dark production and impressive musicality. You are the type that’s made fun of on Fox News and I would absolutely be your friend.

If Your Top Artist Is The Weeknd…

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I regret to inform you you’re a vanilla straight man. I truly can’t imagine any quirky hot girls ending up with The Weeknd as their top artist, but hey, don’t worry about that. You do you, king. You are relatively unproblematic and just like the other boys, and that’s fine.

If Your Top Artist Is Zach Bryan Or Morgan Wallen…

I want literally nothing to do with you.

What Your Top Song Says About You

“Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter

The classic pop formula works really well on you and you were totally feeling yourself this year. Congrats, queen. May that me espresso continue to empower you.

“Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan

You were busy practicing your high notes (most of you do NOT sound good singing along) and you did not get closure after your last homoerotic friendship/confusing situationship.

“Beautiful Things” by Benson Boone

You’re between the ages of 12 and 16 and you desperately need a Justin Bieber 2.0, but this is all society has to offer you for now.

“Too Sweet” by Hozier

You’re gay, you have earthy-crunchy vibes, and you spend too much time on TikTok.

“Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar

You have taste, dignity, a sense of humor, and a healthy amount of rage. I trust you.