I love it when love wins and all, but at the same time, I also don’t mind watching lovers duke it out on the way to the victory line, if you know what I mean. One such turbulent yet worthwhile love game is Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love, a superior spinoff from the original The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On. While Marry or Move On had a fantastic opening season, there’s a secret ingredient (or several) missing from the last two, and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on it. That was until Queer Love came back and showed me exactly what my TV screen had been missing. These ladies bring so much depth, wit, and chaos to their pursuit of life, love, and horniness that I needed to study what The Ultimatum: Queer Love is doing so right that the straight version can learn from it.

Lessons The Straight Ultimatum Should Learn From Its Queer Counterpart

Get To Know Everyone

aj dayna ultimatum

It’s pretty obvious on Marry or Move On that the cast members often beeline for the stranger they find the hottest instead of giving everyone in the group a fair shot to figure out the connection that will push them to grow (especially the men). For the straight women (who are more often than not the ultimatum givers because that patriarchy runs deeeeeep), they often don’t want to be there at all, so they end up with the guy most interested in them and not the other way around. It makes the couples’ chemistry less fun to watch when the interest level isn’t balanced. On the other hand, the Queer edition is extra juicy because of how hard everyone pushes themselves to get involved and get outside of their comfort zone. You’re tracking so many sparks, missed connections, and past relationships that it becomes a full-time job. (My favorite kind of reality TV!)

Yes, AJ got heat in season 2 for being too interested in too many options, but at least she and the rest of the Queer Love cast put effort into their conversations with everyone. On the flip side, AJ’s partner, Britney (who def didn’t want to be there after she gave the ultimatum and didn’t get her first choice of a trial wife), was also open enough to have a meaningful relationship with the partner she ended up with.

Do Work On Yourself

jake ultimatum

On the hetero edition of Ultimatum, the couples often seem to dive headfirst into the romantic aspect of the experiment with their new partner without doing any introspection on themselves and why they needed to either receive or give an ultimatum in the first place. Maybe if some of the bad boys like Jake (from season one) had done a smidge of soul searching instead of hyperfixating on his amazing new wife, Rae, he wouldn’t have ping-ponged between Rae and April, lying to them both and himself along the way. It’s not totally surprising that when you put a bunch of women in a pressure cooker, they end up freelance therapizing TF out of themselves and each other like one huge journaling session (with alcohol).

On Queer Love, because of the mutual respect they have for each other as equals (not a given in straight relationships because of our society’s history of lovely male/female power imbalance) and the women’s blinding self-awareness, lovers’ quarrels lead the couples to talk about more than just how they click as a team.

In their deep discussion after the unexpected night-out kiss by the lake, Pilar and Kyle unpack the conflict beyond what went wrong between them, eventually getting to the unresolved insecurities and lessons that both of them can take into the future, regardless of who they end up with romantically.

pilar kyle ultimatum

That’s not to say the spinoff hasn’t seen some egomaniacal monsters, too! (How ya doin’, Vanessa?). There’s just a lot of character-building to balance out the mess. So many of the queer couples seem to hold enough space (sorry, I had to) for each other to get vulnerable and level up in this way, which would be incredible to see more of on Ultimatum.

Less Fixation On Ticking Boxes (Like Money And Babies)

roxanne ultimatum

This show is all about figuring out if you have a future with your person, but on OG Ultimatum, why is that future so dependent on material things? Yes, lifestyle is certainly important. However, it’s refreshing how the couples on Queer Love often decenter dollar signs by embracing a partner who is pursuing what makes them feel passionate and whole in life. (Ofc this comes from their defacto non-participation in the concept of “provider” and “what do you bring to the table” straight people discourse.)

I’m not saying I can’t relate (a little bit) to season 2’s boss babe Roxanne, who loved pretty much everything about her partner except for his paycheck. But the fact that soooooo many of the straight women receiving the ultimatum are doing so because heternormativity 101 = marriage being akin to being able to make a mortgage payment says a lot about male/female relationships.

Queer people on The Ultimatum are used to having to think outside the box about what they want their life to look like by nature of already not fitting into traditional nuclear family vibes. The fact that one of straight men’s biggest value to straight women is paying bills isn’t inherently all bad. But doesn’t it suggest we need to be seeking more from our men, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so that money isn’t the primary factor in deciding if you want to say “I do” for life? Call me cuckoo, but I would think the strongest relationship is one that has love as the anchor (not kiddos or a 401K).

No Advice From Nick And Vanessa Lachey

Nick and Vanessa Lachey on 'Love is Blind'

I’m glad it worked out for those crazy kids, but every time Nick and Vanessa talk about their path to marriage (Vanessa giving Nick an ultimatum after an atrocious amount of time together as a public couple), I get a little shiver down my spine. One of the best parts of The Ultimatum: Queer Love is that Vanessa and Nick aren’t there to drop dad jokes/questionable hot takes/procreation pushing instead of asking the cast the hard questions we need at the reunions. JoAnna Garcia Swisher seems like a total sweetie pie, so I’ll take her! (But, also, low-key, can we get a gay icon in the mix as a host? That would make this perfect show even more perfect, and no, Tan France can not take on another hosting gig!! He simply has to rest.)