‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Some People Just Don’t Like Peaches

Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: I Know Where You Live

All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!

Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.

And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.

Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!

Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?

Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions. 

Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.

Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on
Cali: 

Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.

Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!

Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.

Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!

Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.

Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.

Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.

Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!

Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”

Me rn:

And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.

Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!

Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.

Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!

Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.

Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.

We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!

On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!

Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?

Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Andrew Forgot His Sunscreen

Hi friends! We’re back for the Are You The One season 7 episode 3 recap, and I, for one, am on the edge of my seat. Will Zak continue to hit on every girl in the house? Will my eardrums sustain permanent damage from Nutsa’s voice? Will Bria skin Zak and wear him as a suit? Let’s find out!

We open on Bria screaming, and already I’m traumatized because I had a rough subway ride home today. It also involved a lady screaming “you can suck my dick!” Although in her case, I think she was just trying to get me to give her money. Bria is actually insane.

In the other room Nutsa is telling Zak he deserves better than Bria, and in the confessional Morgan is telling us that Nutsa isn’t right right for Zak. There is some major girl-on-girl crime going on here.

Asia decides to spare us all a reenactment of the red wedding, and attempts to give Bria a pep talk. She tells her she needs to move on from Zak and will physically not let her back in the house until she calms down.

Bria is grunting and heavy breathing like someone deeply in need of an exorcism as Asia leads her back to the house. She crab walks right up to Zak.

Bria: *voice dripping with depression and sorrow* Listen to me, it’s done
Zak: 

 

Moving on to our second most f*cked up couple of the house, Tevin and Kenya. Tevin is whispering to Kenya, asking what she did in the boom boom room with Lewis. He says he’s whispering to preserve his voice, not because he wants to keep their sexual exploits private or anything.

Kenya: We didn’t do anything
Tevin: *whispers* You gave him head
Kenya: *shouts* I gave him head

It’s all highly disconcerting. They leave this conversation agreeing they are still into each other, but only one of them leaves with vocal chords that are fresh as a daisy.

Bria is icing her hand because she injured it in one of her rage blackouts. She is also wearing Zak’s shirt even though I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS, GOD! Samantha tells Zak that it’s basically like a dog peeing on something to mark its territory. Oh, Sam. I’m sure Bria did that too!

Okay now Sam is talking about how she and Zak are similar and she thinks he might be her match. I’m starting to wonder what it is about this dude that makes him female kryptonite? Is he actually a slice of pizza underneath his clothes?

Sam thinks they connect intellectually, and I’m wondering if they’re not showing us the parts of the day where Zak walks around reciting Yeats from memory cause otherwise I DON’T SEE IT.

Now we transition to Andrew, who is declaring that everyone has made a connection and there are a lot of playboys there and he just doesn’t have that game. You mean the ladies aren’t impressed by the diamond studs in each ear, Andrew? I am shook!

Andrew is using the precious few minutes of screen time he has to talk about the weather with Asia. Apparently he got sunburned because it was overcast out and he “just didn’t think.” Well, Andrew, us fair-skinned folk need to be vigilant about the sun. Always wear sunscreen! Melanoma does not discriminate, although I’m sure it would pass over your diamond-studded self if it had the choice.

I honestly never thought I’d say this about someone on this show, but Andrew definitely needs to consume more alcohol. This conversation is so awkward and the only way to get past that is by drinking so much your ability to feel shame goes away. 

Morgan is letting Nutsa do her makeup even though they are both crushing on Zak. Morgan better watch out because Nutsa has a crazy look in her eye and a lip liner that looks suspiciously like a shiv.

Morgan immediately runs from her conversation with Nutsa to tattle on her to Bria. She tells Bria that Nutsa is petty but she is GREAT AND PERFECT AND WILL BE PURSUING ZAK. And isn’t it honorable that she’s telling Bria before she does it? In the confessional, Morgan lets us know that she told Bria about her crush on Zak because she’s afraid of her. Same.

Morgan goes right over to Zak and greets him vag first. He accepts with open arms.

Nutsa see this happen and is offended and upset. And I am offended and upset by the sounds coming out of her mouth right now. My ears, they bleed.

Morgan tells Nutsa that she went to Zak to tell him to respect her. Then she tells us in the confessional that she lied. I’m very into Morgan’s use of the confessional. She knows what it’s about. Also she might want to avoid everyone from the show now that this is airing. Save yourself, Morgan!

Can I just take a brief moment here to discuss the living accommodations MTV provides for the cast members? It’s literally mattresses thrown on the floor with a comforter on top. They look like they’re squatters. Did MTV even pay for this house or did they make the cast members break into a vacation home that wasn’t currently being rented?

Cut to Cali and Brett in some sort of khaki-colored hammock contraption. I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s going on here because everything is the same color. The people are tan, the hammock is tan, Brett’s shirt is tan. I think they’re making out. They seem to like each other. Cute.

Terrence J shows up. Is the J an extension of his first name, or is it his last name? Do we think I can drop it by now? Is Terrence too familiar for a man I’ve never met? Eh what the heck, let’s go with Terry.

Terry shows up. He reminds them that one week and seven hangovers ago they got three beams at the matching ceremony. Papa Terry was very proud. He shows off his beloved, the fate button, which will again pick the dates this week.

The producers Fate picks Nutsa and Asia as the women going on the date. For the second week in a row, Bria threatens the life of the fate button if it picks Zak. I really fear this this button is not long for this life. Luckily, the fate button is spared this week because it chooses Cam and Andrew. Don’t forget your SPF 50, Andrew!

Relieved

So for this date they are zorbing. Zorbing is a word I just learned that means rolling around in a plastic ball like a drunken hamster. How nice of MTV to send the cast to Hawaii and let them do something I could do at I Play America in central Jersey. Really spending the big bucks! I hope someone suffocates.

Cam and Asia pair up for some time by the water, where Asia asks if his political views affect his dating life. He is open and honest and so in return she tells him she hates him for his political views.

Nutsa spends the day telling the boys she’s not into them. Gentlemen, this is a blessing. You don’t need that voice in your life.

Oooh now I see what Andrew was talking about with his sunburn. That baby’s gonna peel. A pink-tinted Andrew tells Asia he would be interested in her if he saw her walking down the street. Asia says she thinks he has a wallflower personality and is wary of him because he seems shy. Wow, I never knew shy was a dealbreaker. So ladies, we’re into rage issues, cheaters, and unemployed losers, but we draw the line at shy? This is where we are now?

Andrew convinces Asia that he would never be so disgusting as to be a shy dude, and she believes him enough to think they might be a match.

Back at the house, Terry is there to announce who is going in the truth booth. Asia and Andrew admit they’re feeling each other, and the house thought they might be too. They’re headed to the Truth Booth.

And it’s no match! Looks like Andrew was lying about being shy and the experts just blew up his spot, huh? They seem a little upset at first but then Andrew starts yelling “That’s information! That’s information!” which is basically what I do after every late-night Wikipedia deep dive.

Post-Truth Booth, Kenya approaches Jasmine for saying she would pop off on her. I must have missed that part, but apparently it’s a big issue. Kenya screams at Jasmine and then peaces out. Jasmine trying to calm herself down right now is me after anyone asks me to do a simple task at work. I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO ADD YOURSELF TO THE DISTRO LIST, LINDA!

Nutsa pulls Zak aside and asks him what he likes in a girl.

Zak: Looks don’t really matter to me
Also Zak: 

He also mentions he wants a woman that’s loyal. So loyal like you were to Bria with Morgan and Nutsa and Samantha, like that kind of loyal? Nutsa eats it right up and says she thinks they could be a match.

Bria then comes in and pulls Zak away from this sweet conversation and legit pulls him into the boom boom room and jumps his bones. Oh so like this kind of loyal, Zak?

Nutsa then asks Samantha where Zak is.

Samantha:  Yeah he’s f*cking Bria in the boom boom room

Samantha! I want only good things for you! My kindred spirit.

Before Bria lets Zak leave the boom boom room, she squeezes his balls until he says she can trust him. I believe Zak about as much as I believe myself when I say I’ll come out but just for one drink.

We have finally made it to the second match-up ceremony, and no one is dead yet! That’s how I’m measuring success on this season. Who even cares if they get the million dollars this year? At this point if they all make it out alive I’m calling it a win.

Tonight is ladies choice! So many eligible bachelors, how will they ever decide?

Terry remembers at this point America’s favorite host Ryan Devlin would start stirring up shit. So he asks Tevin if he would prefer to be standing up there next to Jasmine. Tevin’s mouth says he’s “happy” but his eyes say “call the police.”

Help

Bria says Zak has been talking sh*t on all these girls that like him, and he even dared call  Nutsa “ditzy.”

Nutsa: I’m smart!
Also Nutsa:

 

Zak then calls Bria trash, which is funny because I was just thinking the same thing about him. Also can we get a rewind to about 5 minutes ago when he said she could trust him?

Sam still picks Zak, and I hope this is all some sort of elaborate John Tucker Must Die plot.

Sidenote: I do appreciate that Zak is playing the game. The whole point of Are You The One? is to get to know the other people to find your match. But Zak, you do not have to promise every girl you won’t hook up with anyone else. No one has a gun to your head! Sorry. Only Bria has a gun to your head! Just be open and honest and let the ladies know you want to swap bodily fluids with everyone, mmkay?

Moving on.

They get three beams again! Terry is already scolding them because they didn’t do better than last week. The gang heads back to the house to “get to know each other” and I head back to my dark place, attempting to come to terms with the state of the singles left in the world.

See you fools next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

Marie From ‘The Challenge’ Has Some Choice Words For Cara Maria

Guys. I know I piss most of you off (hi, enemies in the comment section! I see you and I cry about you!) on a regular basis, but I never expected to be the subject of a Twitter rampage. When we posted my interview with Cara Maria ahead of The Challenge: Final Reckoning premiere two weeks ago, her partner Marie had A LOT to say about it.

You’re dead to me @betchesluvthis A thread. https://t.co/xgWrbHwXfa

— Marie_TBD (@Marie_TBD) July 13, 2018

So I summoned up all my courage, prayed that there was no way to be murdered through the phone, and called up Marie for her side of the story. And you know what I learned? This girl is brutally honest, not afraid to laugh at herself, and definitely someone I would want to steal an entire box of pizza with. Or two boxes of pizza, whatever, I’m hungry! Check out her version of events here, and be sure to tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning tonight 9/8c on MTV.

Why don’t we just dive right in—you obviously weren’t too happy with what Cara said about you in our interview. So I just wanted to hear your side of the story. I know you mentioned a little of it in on Twitter.
Oh god, you guys actually saw that? Okay. I’m so extra. So basically I was reading through and I was like, “This mofo.” So here’s the thing about Cara. She’s somebody that, listen, don’t take this the wrong way, she has definitely grown up and glown up through her Challenge years. But when she started, she was no champion right off the bat. She had all these different issues to deal with and she was kind of the underdog. And I think that a lot of the cast, including myself obviously, get really upset when she tries to say that we’re using her to get attention or storylines and all of that bullsh*t.

So when I was reading it and I saw that you guys mentioned “oh she’s such a betch” and I was like, “this betch isn’t a betch.” You know? Betches are, we’re like brutally honest, self-aware. Yeah I smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink a lot of alcohol, I don’t go to the gym, you know? But with Cara, she’s not self-aware. She doesn’t realize that her reactions to other people are taken the wrong way. When I tweet or when I troll anybody in life, I’m doing it honestly. It’s not like I’m thinking “this is gonna get me on a season with Cara as my partner.” That’s never my thought. So I was just so bothered by that. And I was just like, “that’s so annoying and so typical Cara.”

She did mention that you were campaigning to get her as your partner on Twitter. What did she mean? Was that true?
I assume that she means campaigning by like, tweeting at her. It’s not like I made signs or anything. Listen. All this craziness started over something really, really stupid. But I’m petty, like most people, and it’s annoying. Here’s how it all started. We went on a season together, had no issues, thought we were totally fine. I get back from the season, everything’s going fine, and the fans are really the ones that antagonize a lot of these situations. They’ll be like “oh she said this,” or “she said that,” and you’re not really looking for it but then when it’s in your inbox, like alright, what now bitch?

So a fan had tweeted out “Why is Marie even invited to these things she should never come back” and she liked it. It was just so passive-aggressive and so typical Cara that I was like, “are you kidding me I didn’t even know we had problems.” And from there it just really escalated. But then she goes on to say all this other stuff, like on Vendettas her name kept coming out of my mouth. But, Cara, you’ve been doing these for how many seasons now? You should know that when we’re sitting down and being interviewed they’re building stories. So if they’re asking me about Cara, I’m answering about Cara. Like, by all means, I would love to talk about something else! But it’s what I’m being asked!

Right. They’re going to stir you up.
Obviously. And my last two seasons I’ve looked like the biggest loser. Like, the biggest loser.

I was a big fan of the pizza incident last season, so I can’t hate on that.
I didn’t even steal the pizza box! That’s the issue. I literally put it aside for my roommates like a normal girl would, because the guys were all scarfing it down. And I come back and Brad goes crazy Brad—I think he ate too much protein that day, I don’t know—but he’s freaking out. And I’m like okay and I actually ended up bringing the whole pizza box back to the kitchen because it’s so weird that he’s freaking out about this and the whole thing escalated. And then I’m someone that likes to poke at people until they kind of break. So if you’re flipping out over a pizza box, that’s kind of hilarious, are you kidding? So that’s when I decided to bring the pizza down and throw it on him. But it was all with good intention (laughs).

I don’t blame you. I didn’t mean to get you off track, though.
Yeah, and then I get trapped in the basket the next episode but there’s a whole other story behind that that they didn’t show. Because, listen. At the end of the day, I really did not like Cara. And I know that when she gets to a final she’s probably gonna win that final. So if it’s a competition of me and Kailah going home, Kailah who is a very strong player, and me, I have my days sometimes. Ya know, I’m not gonna be able to beat Cara in a final. And when I’m very very close with someone like I was Kailah, it was kind of like, “look if I’m gonna send you home today I’m just going to be next anyway. And I’d rather give you this opportunity to really lock this down and shut her up for once.” Unfortunately it didn’t work, but that’s where we are.

Cara did say some nice things about you in our interview. She said you’re the team to watch and that things change a little bit over the season. Do you agree with that?
100%. But it’s gonna take a while. A lot of the teams there, it’s kind of like those fake rivalries. Like, “oh he threw me in.” That’s not a rivalry. Me and Cara genuinely didn’t like each other. And it takes a lot of different situations to occur for us to actually start talking, but I mean eventually we sort of get there. If we stay there, I don’t really know…

Cara and Marie The Challenge

Were you worried throughout the game about Cara’s preoccupation with Kyle?
Yeah, 100%. And I told her with the Paulie situation that was not gonna be a good look for her in the house and outside of the house. But with the Kyle situation—I mean, right away she tells Brad she wants Kyle out of the house. That’s Brad’s partner, probably not the best game play. Kyle’s getting annoyed now. And then there’s the Faith situation happening. So on top of everyone else not liking Cara in the house, now all of the people that might have been able to like Cara don’t like Cara. So of all seasons for me to be paired with this monster competitor, like are you kidding me? I’m like, “everybody hates you!” This whole season is me trying to keep Cara cool. And also myself cool. Because, like, the second I get a little bit saucy I’m known to kinda ruin everything, for lack of a better word. So it was  a mixture of keeping her cool and me also cool. Which was extremely hard.

Angela was screaming at people in last week’s episode and they still seem to like her.
This is what I’m saying! Like HOW does she throw a temper tantrum—like when I throw a temper tantrum, I get put in a corner. Like, time out Marie. When she throws a temper tantrum, she has Johnny come downstairs and save her. I don’t get it.

Is there any other gossip from this season you can spill to us? Is there anything that happens that we might not see on the show?
Oof. Well maybe we can do this again at the end, because I’m not sure how much I can give. But I will say lots of fans and stuff have been tweeting that they’re upset that there hasn’t been an elimination episode, and they have to understand that once we learn the format and all that other stuff, there’s so much relationships involved. Relationships are huge in this challenge. With the format, with the voting. The first two episodes, I honestly thought they were hilarious. It’s just building up. Because the stuff that happens this season you can’t even write. I swear I really do believe it will be the best season ever. It will just take a second to warm up, because everyone has to understand these situations that are happening, but it’s gonna blow up.

So you think once the season’s over there’s going to be more stuff that happened they’re not gonna show?
Oh, 100%. There’s so much stuff that happened day one that they didn’t even show. Like, unless they want to make this season go on for the next year and a half you’re definitely not going to see everything.

Is there anything else you want us to know? Now’s your chance to talk off Twitter!
Okay, let’s see. First and foremost, I’m not as bad as everyone thinks. If they actually watch the show, I do fare well in competitions. I just have a big mouth. You know how you always have that leader that like pushes people to do stuff? I’m that person and I’ve been that person behind the scenes and they haven’t shown it. And I think this time with Cara as my partner everyone will be able to see a little bit more how I’m, for lack of a better word, a puppeteer for the drama.

Yeah I mean, I don’t suck. Listen. I can’t run for seven miles straight, I’m not there yet. But I’m a cute girl. And look people say the camera adds 10 pounds. I’m gonna say I hope it adds 35 because if I look like that in person I’m gonna be so upset.

Marie The Challenge

But your Instagram does look good.
Well, there’s FaceTune (laughs). But yeah I mean there’s so many people that meet me that are like, “you’re actually pretty in person.” I’m like, “wonderful.” When people give you those actually comments I’m like, interesting.

And that’s all folks! You can catch more of the drama on tonight’s episode of The Challenge: Final/Reckoning on Tuesdays at 9pm/8c only on MTV.

Images: @Marie_TBD/Twitter; Giphy; Courtesy of MTV (2)