I, like many others this week, spent six hours binge watching the entire season of Hulu’s “Normal People“. It honestly took me on an unexpected emotional roller coaster. The story of two young people in love, but also in denial. I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. Like JUST DATE AND BE HAPPY. Ya know??? I cried, I gasped, and I even screamed “OMG THEY’RE SHOWING HIS DICK”. So yeah, if you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend!
It’s almost difficult to rank these characters, because they are all so sh*tty at one point or another, but that’s what makes it fun I suppose. Here’s my ranking of the characters from worst to best.
10. Jamie (THE Absolute Worst)
I debated the worst character for a moment, because there are a few options here. Quite honestly, if you’ve watched this show, you know that just about every single character is the worst in one way or another. But, after some glasses of wine and deep thinking, I settled on Jamie. Jamie is a rich, smart, prissy boy. But, not the kind of rich that makes him attractive. The kind of rich where he complains that they’re drinking Champagne from the wrong glass (maybe he should befriend Dorit Kemsley). He was cast perfectly, because he’s tiny and dweeby, which makes it that much more irritating when he’s rude and plays the tough guy act. Without giving away too much detail, Jamie is insecure, manipulative, and a loser. In other words: the worst.
9. Denise (Also Basically the Worst)
Denise was also in the running for the worst, but her evil antics seem to stem from somewhere, so she landed at number nine. Denise remains mysterious, but they do not shy away from showing how awful she is during her few moments of fame. She’s widowed, which gives her an excuse for being closed off. But, she’s still a mom, and it’s actually sad to watch how she treats Marianne. I get the wannabe Devil Wears Prada vibes from her, but without the valid excuse to do so. By the end of this show, you essentially want her to get hit by a bus, so, I’ll leave it at that.
8. Alan (Again, Also the Worst)
Alan. If you’re like, “who tf is Alan”, he’s Marianne’s brother. I clarify this only because I didn’t remember his name either, but loathed him as a human. Alan is the conceited red head that everyone hates. He’s also born rich, but is dumb, so he doesn’t have the perks of coasting through school like his peers. Every time he pops on screen, I cringe, because I know he’s here to make us miserable and he succeeds at doing so 10/10 times.
7. Rob, Eric, and Rachel (Different, But The Same)
I’m grouping this trio as one ranking, because they are three versions of the same human. Boring, angry, popular kid who bullies you because they have a crush on you type. They’re the kids who peak in high school, and then go on to be the weird, single, 38-year-olds sliding in your DMs with some pyramid scheme BS. Obviously, the plot twist with Rob is quite jarring (no spoilers here), but it still doesn’t take away from his slimy personality. It just makes him slimy with some deeper issues than we realized.
6. Helen (Blah)
Helen is kind of boring, but kind of important. I honestly feel bad for her, being the rebound is never fun. She handles it with poise, at first, and I can’t decide if it’s because she is clueless, or because she wants to be the cool girlfriend. Either way, Connell is always like “I LOVE HELEN” while jerking off to Marianne, so thats where she stands. All I’ve got to say is, Helen never had a chance.
5. Marianne (Damaged Goods)
It was hard for me to find a place for Marianne. On one hand she is a broken soul, but on the other hand, she’s kind of annoying. Like, why must you make so many average situations so miserable? That said, we see a lot of growth in Marianne throughout the show. In episode one, she’s a virgin, and by episode 12 we’ve seen her naked banging multiple guys about 25 times. Most of us call that one semester of college. Hats off to Daisy Edgar-Jones, though. She was very convincing, and very brave. If someone asked me to go on TV at age 22 and show my ~everything~ it would be a hard pass.
4. Peggy (Also Blah)
Peggy felt so irrelevant to me, until I realized she was essentially in every episode. I am not ranking Peggy number four because she’s fun. I’m not even ranking Peggy number four because I like her. But, she is simply not as evil as all of her predecessors. She doesn’t start drama, she’s a ride-or-die friend, and she’s a hoe but makes it normal. She’s the type of friend that you only bring to a party if you’re okay with her sleeping with more than one of your friends (at the same time). But, she keeps it real, and most of the characters in this show lack that quality. So, cheers to Peggy.
3. Connell (My New Crush)
CONNELL. I have so much to say about this boy (man?) For starters, I’ve never questioned myself more when watching a show. Connell is not traditionally hot, yet so sexy. But, he’s portrayed as a high schooler for two episodes, so am I going to jail for thinking that? I googled and he’s 24 IRL, which is still too young, but less repulsive. There are so many layers to Connell, and I’m pretty sure every viewer wants to peel them back. He’s the token good guy who is peer pressured into being a dick because his friends think it’s cool. I feel like he never REALLY grows out of that, but by the end we’re all so blinded by love that it doesn’t really matter.
2. Karen (DUNF)
Karen is an underlying hero throughout this show, despite the fact that she doesn’t make a ton of appearances. Karen is the the designated ugly nice friend, and we love Karen. I feel like her character was handed to us simply so that we are not emotionally distraught every time Marianne gets bullied, and it works. I think the irony of this is that her name is Karen. We all know that Karens typically ask for the manager to complain, but this Karen asks for the manager to compliment an employee’s hard work. Love that for her.
1. Lorraine (Queen!)
Lorraine is a sweet angel on earth, and a saving grace to this show. I mean, obviously I enjoy the evil characters, but we needed Lorraine to balance things out. She is the light, and the rest of Ireland is the dark in this case. Lorraine looks like she is 30, but her son is 20, so that is unique. She is just all around a nice gal, and proves that you don’t need to be rich to be happy (don’t tell the Kardashians that). By the end, you want Connell and Marianne to work out, simply so Marianne can call Lorraine mom. Lorraine FTW!
If you haven’t watched this show, please do. This is not an ad, but as someone who has watched more hours of TV during quarantine than in my entire life combined, this show has stuck out to me more than most. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster, and to lust after Connell. Let me know if you agree with my rankings, and slide into my DMs if you want to argue. There will be no bashing of Lorraine, and no complimenting of Alan, but everything else is fair game.
Images: Courtesy of Hulu
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.
This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.
10. Michelob Ultra
Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.
I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?
While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.
7. Winter Olympics
While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.
6. Jack in the Box
I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.
Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.
Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.
Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.
2. Amazon Alexa
If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.
1. Doritos & Mountain Dew
Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.
Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we’ve all gained 20 pounds, gone down the dark road that is family time, and are on the darker road to Chrismahanakwazakah, it’s time to round up the absolute best
ways to kill time alone because sweatpants is all that fits us right now holiday movies. Yah, we’ve all seen them a million times, they’re tacky, and you may be caught dabbing tears out of your eyes, but they’re one of the only things that make us feel feelings during this season of materialism, overcooked in-law dinners, and ironic sweaters. May you, too, be filled with fuzzy and warm feelings of holiday cheer or just get really drunk and enjoy these.
This is Will Ferrell at his fucking finest. Traipsing through New York, getting plowed into by taxis, tasting shitty coffee, and singing loud for all to hear are all part of this magical adventure, and I’m honestly here for it. If you haven’t said “Byeeee Buddy, hope you find your dad” to at least one friend when she wanders out of a bar, I don’t want to know you.
2. ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’
If you like, need to cry and feel appreciated, this is probs what you should watch. Grab your sweatpants and watch the 1940s movie that will make you feel low-key annoyed no guy ever offered to buy you the moon.
3. ‘Die Hard’
I don’t even care if this doesn’t count—it’s amazing. It’s amazing in July, it’s amazing in September, and goddamnit, it’s amazing at Christmas time. Watching Bruce Willis in his glory days thwart crime while making v 80s comebacks is perfect with alcoholic eggnog and a slice of pie.
4. ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’
This OG creepy claymation movie is life. It’s the ultimate story of revenge—kid gets made fun of for having what is clearly a serious deformity, runs away, meets a monster and homeless Yukon pervert who licks gold, kidnaps a lady deer, then takes vengeance and highjacks Santa’s sleigh. That’s pretty much exactly how this movie goes, with all its 60s wholesomeness plus some sing-a-longs.
5. ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’
NOT THE ATROCIOUSLY BAD JIM CARREY VERSION. I’m talking the original animated 30-minute Grinch that struck fear into children’s hearts back in the 60s. Not only do I know all the words to every song in this feature, but I identify a lot with the Grinch, who, at the end of the day, just wanted some goddamn peace and quiet. My heart, too, is several sizes too small, and I’m not ashamed of that.
6. National Lampoon’s ‘Christmas Vacation’
Nothing helps me identify with feeling like I’m in a goddamn insane asylum when my in-laws are around than watching Chevy Chase literally hallucinate imaginary women in this classic. If you, too, get kicks from animals being electrocuted by trees, sewage running down streets, and rampant child endangerment, this is the movie for you.
7. ‘Home Alone’
Full disclosure, I hadn’t seen this movie all the way through until last year. My first question is, who are these parents that leave a kid at home in that fucking mansion? Second question, wtf does Mr. McCallister do for a fucking living and is he available? Watch this and the sequel just for the Trump cameo, then cry yourself to sleep.
8. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’
Idk if this is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie, but something about kidnapping Santa, terrorizing children, and ghost dogs really got me. Real thought—isn’t this a lil dark to be a children’s movie? I feel like it more closely aligns with being an artistic autobiography of Tim Burton’s real life adventures.
9. ‘A Christmas Story’
So much good here. If you, for some unknown reason, have not managed to see at least 30 minutes of this while it airs for 24 hours straight on Christmas day, shame on you. Do yourself a favor and bask in the glory that is a fishnet-clad lamp, the wonder of saying “fuck” in front of your parents, and understanding what happens when you lick a frozen flagpole.
10. ‘Charlie Brown Christmas’
You know you’ve referred to the bundle of sticks you call a tree as a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. This shit has a chokehold on visions of Christmas, and it’s all thanks to these wacky kids and their unsupervised adventures.
From Sex and the City to Girls to Game of Thrones, I honestly didn’t think HBO could get any better, especially when it comes to girl power television. Well I was wrong. And you better screenshot that shit because I will never admit it ever again. The only reason I’m saying it now is because Big Little Lies might be the best ever. That’s right, GOT freaks and SJP worshippers. I fucking said it. It’s like Real Housewives of NorCal meets Girl on the Train murder mystery starring the world’s betchiest cast (minus that nice girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager).
Lucky for us, HBO decided to revive this excellent miniseries for a second season, and we’re only a month away from the premiere. Here’s a ranking of the Big Little Lies characters in order of betchiness. Oh, and obviously Meryl Streep will land somewhere near the top once we see her on season 2. Can’t. F*cking. Wait.
Was he hot af? Yes. But did he beat the living shit out of Nicole Kidman and rape Shailene Woodley? Also yes. So like, sorry Eric Northman, but you can’t sit with us. You can try Sears the White House.
I’m probs gonna get some heat for this because everyone fucking loved Jane because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom who moved to Monterey and is like, poor and shit. I can respect that. But she always looked terrible and followed Madeline around like a sad rescue puppy in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Plus, I can’t get over the fact that it’s Amy Juergens.
Is it just me or was Nathan the fucking worst? He’s like that frat bro in college that ends things because he thinks you’re too clingy since you left a sock at his place, then six months later proposes to your grandlittle. Fucking prick. Not to mention, no one is mean to Reese Witherspoon without consequences. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
Ed is an extremely lovable person, like the only one on the whole show, but he’s a typical nice guy who gets steamrolled by everyone. His wife, his wife’s ex, the dude his wife screws on the side, his step daughter, his cool 6-year-old. Literally everyone. And being a little bitch is so not betchy.
Renata is the worst, but she’s a fucking badass. She’s the CEO of a company, on the board of Pay Pal and is the only person in the whole town of Monterey that doesn’t do whatever the fuck Madeline tells her to. She also somehow manages to pick her daughter up from school at like 2:30 on a daily basis despite having what sounds like an exceedingly high powered job. Renata, she does it all. Also, she ends up being part of the mom Plastics at the end, so like, we’ll forgive her for the first five episodes when she sucked.
A lot of you probs thought Celeste would be at the top of the list, but nah. Being the prettiest, skinniest, richest of all the moms helps, but it’s not everything. Like pretty much everyone else, she’s a follower and does whatever Madeline says. She also somehow is delusional enough to not realize her husband is a cheater that also beats the shit out of every woman he sleeps with.
I didn’t want to include kids in this because there’s like a million on this show and who really cares, but Chloe is a future betch in the making who deserves recognition on our list. She has fire taste in music instead of Kids Bop or whatever the kids listen to these days, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not from her teacher, not from Amabella, not from her prostitute sister, not from her crazy-ass parents. Nobody. She does what she wants, when she wants and that’s a betchy af quality for a 6-year-old.
Bonnie is a classic free-spirited hippie betch. She teaches yoga and is always chill and, while we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure she smokes a shit ton of weed because no one is that calm without smoking some dank shit. She def went to Burning Man a few times before she got married and had Sky and takes Abigail to Planned Parenthood. Because of the yoga, she’s got a killer bod. Bonus points for killing Perry because he had to go.
2. Celeste’s Therapist
Holy shit, what a bad betch. Unlike most TV therapists who just how ask how you feel about something and stare at you like a slice of Papa John’s, she actually fucking helps. She doesn’t care about ethics and other bullshit because she’s not about to sit there while Celeste gets murdered. She doesn’t give a fuck about the rules and we love it.
Obvi. In a town with a bunch of really attractive, wealthy moms, Madeline has managed to take over as queen bee like a West Coast middle-aged Blair Waldorf. She has a band of minions who do whatever she says and all the men in town think she’s a raging bitch which we all know means that she’s a woman who gets what she fucking wants by any means necessary. She doesn’t take shit from people and threw up on her ex’s new hot wife, something we’ve all dreamed of. #goals
That’s all for new, but stay tuned for more Big Little Lies coverage when it comes back in June!
There’s nothing I love more than a holiday that encourages you to get shitfaced off green beer as an excuse to celebrate a part of your heritage that represents 2% of your genetic makeup. Seriously. I’m sure my great-great grandfather’s step-sister’s,cousin’s child who actually fucking lived in Ireland would be v proud of me for making out with that ginger in a dingy LES bar.
And the only way I feel I can properly show that love is to rank people who are 100% redheaded and most definitely not 100% Irish for my own amusement. Side note: in the midst of
chugging Guinness researching this piece I googled “popular redheads” and a number of porn sites came up. If that is not an indicator of how this article turned out then I don’t know what is. Anyway, here’s a list of our favorite redheads ranked in honor of St. Pat:
10. Ron Weasley
First of all, you’re poor. And not in the cute hipster/starving artist way that makes me want to pay all of your bills and fund your recreational cocaine problem, but rather in the I’m-going-to-complain-about-this-for-seven-fucking-books way while wearing an ugly fucking sweater. Secondly, not only did it take you seven years to grow some balls and actually help fight Lord Voldemort instead of gulping at spiders or whatever other spineless shit you were doing while your best friend was actually fighting wars, but it also took you that long to ask the DIME PIECE that is Hermione Granger out on a date. DO YOU HAVE EYES, RON?? This girl, for reasons that escape me, actually wants your dick and you’re like nah, could be more beautiful, smart, fantastic feminist fish in the sea. *Whispers “you fucking idiot”*
Also you had an ex-girlfriend named Lavender and that really just speaks volumes about you. Minus 1,000 points for Gryffindor.
9. Donna Pinciotti
Donna is one of those girls that’s always saying shit like “I’m just more of a guy’s girl” and “girls don’t really like me.” Yeah, like your man hands and deep voice didn’t have anything to do with that. To make matters worse, you had a Kelso in your clutches and yet you still chose scrawny-ass Eric Foreman. But you did manage to snag Jackie Burkhart as a bestie so that saves you from last place. Barely.
8. Ed Sheeran
I know, I know. I’m probably going to catch shit for this one since people seem to be fucking obsessed with this guy, but how can you expect me to take someone who looks like this seriously? HOW.
Does he not look like the emo kid you sat next to in your 8th grade social studies class who was always writing poems in a dirty notebook about how popular girls didn’t like him? Seriously, every time I look at this guy it’s like a fucking time warp back to middle school. You’re a GROWN man wearing a cloth necklace and the same zip-up sweatshirt every fucking day. If it weren’t for the fact that “Kiss Me” will be the song I play
when hell freezes over on my wedding day then you’d be right up there with Ron Weasley, buddy.
7. Lindsay Lohan
Sorry LiLo, you would be higher on the list but you’ve pulled so many batshit stunts over the years (re: that time she got an accent or that time she chopped off her thumb to stay relevant) that I barely remember you’re a redhead. Seventh place for you.
6. Miranda Hobbes
Aka the member of Carrie Bradshaw’s posse that’s having the least amount of sex in the city. Don’t you feel like she’s the kind of person who sets fires to feel joy? That spikey/lesbian/mom haircut that plagued you through the entire series is keeping you from moving up the list, but you did have some fire one-liners so at least you have that going for you.
5. Emma Stone
So I know she won an Oscar and, like, fucks Ryan Gosling in every movie she’s ever been in so that counts for something. I guess. But she’s also about as exciting as that basic AF dress she wore to the Oscars. You may be an Oscar winner to the world but your only mid-list here, Stone.
4. Sansa Stark
Way to turn getting fucked over my your boyfriend/king/betrothed into one hell of a second act. Sansa went from the most annoying character on GoT to one of the most badass all while having fantastic AF skin. #Goals.
3. The Entire Cast of Riverdale
When I first started watching this show I thought maybe the wine I was drinking that had been sitting on my bar cart for six months had finally expired or something because every fucking character on the show was a ginger. And HOT gingers. It’s like the laws of physics ceased to exist on my screen. First of all, Archie is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s an athlete, singer/song writer, and he’s constantly flashing his six pack abs. Seriously, this boy is hot AF and I would def risk jail time in order to hit that à la Ms. Grundy.
Then there’s Cheryl Blossom aka the person I want to be when I grow up. She’s like a redheaded Regina George and her one-liners are the reason I get up in the mornings. I’ll even overlook the low-key incest vibes happening between her and her brother because she is that hot.
2. Ginger Spice
Ginger makes it on the list because A) she’s a Spice Girl so fucking duh she’s making the list and B) she’s BFFs with my favorite Spice Girl, Baby, and that counts for something. “Surround yourself with people who are a stepping stone to the people you actually want to be friends with”—a direct quote from my mother. Aside from being the Token Ginger, her signature look was anything that showed her cleavage. And like, same girl. Thank you for teaching me the important lesson of using a deep V shirt to get ahead. It served me well during my college years… and all my other years on this earth.
1. Prince Harry
ALL HAIL THE KING. Prince Harry is hands down the best redhead to ever grace this planet and I will fight you if you disagree. Not only is he a prince and like v rich and gorgeous but he’s also the prince who isn’t losing his hair rn and can coincidentally fuck marry a commoner like me. Cheers.
For this week’s TBT, we’re going to take a look into the lives of the most influential baby friend group of the ’90s. I’m talking, of course, about the Rugrats and, most importantly, how betchy or not betchy each Rugrat is. Is it polite to rank toddlers who have not yet learned to speak based on arbitrary social categories? Probs not. Is it fun? Fucking duh.
Here’s what we know about Cynthia: 1) She’s a really cool dancer, 2) She’s got cool moves (as long as you move her arms and legs), 3) She’s movin’ out on the floor, 4) She’s ready to break some eggs (make an omelette Cynthia!) How do we know all this? We know it from her workout tape, which I am shocked has not been sampled by Avicii or Kanye or someone yet (don’t listen unless you want this song stuck in your head all day).
Cynthia’s resting bitch face is on point, and she manages to look great in her belted orange dress despite the fact that she is missing ⅕ of her hair. Cynthia didn’t say or do shit for all 9 seasons of Rugrats, yet she is still one of the show’s most memorable characters, and it is her ability to do no work and remain popular that has earned her the number one slot.
2. Susie Carmichael
Susie Carmichael is cool AF. Did Susie need to appear in every episode? No. Susie had other shit to do. She’ll check in every once in awhile to see what the babies are up to, teach them about Kwanzaa and generally let them know what’s good, before going back next door to hang with her real friends. Whenever she does come over, the babies flip out because they’re like, obsessed with her (everyone is). She’s also the only person who has absolutely no time for Angelica’s bullshit, probably because Susie has better hair, a better outfit, and wears a cool red bangle, which is more than Angelica could ever hope to have. Susie is three, which makes her older and wiser than most of the babies and probably accounts for the sheer lack of fucks she has to give. Did Susie get her ass lost in the woods when Dil was born? Fuck no, she was chilling in Paris getting turnt up with her older sister! Did Susie almost die with the Rugrats in EuroReptarland? No bitch, I just told you she’s already been to Paris! Susie Carmichael always comes correct, and that’s what earned her the number two spot.
3. Tommy Pickles
Tommy Pickles is the star of the show, which virtually guarantees him betchiness. Tommy also has the whole dressing like a slut thing down and spends all nine seasons of Rugrats wearing nothing but a crop top and booty shorts. His outfit never stops him from leading his friend group on adventures, and you know once he can talk and operate a phone he’d be the person managing the group chat, suggesting what clubs and parties to go to, making sure everyone is getting the free shots they deserve, and seeing you into your Uber at the end of the night. The thing holding Tommy back from the top spot is that he’s too fucking nice. He’ll let any baby with shit in their diaper come hang with him (cough CHUCKIE cough), and that means his friend group is riddled with duds (HI CHUCKIE). Be a little more discerning about your friend group, Thomas, and maybe we’ll see you up at the top with Cynthia.
4. Angelica Pickles
We can’t talk about Cynthia without getting to her BFF and designated Rugrat BSCB, Angelica Pickles. Angelica spent most of Rugrats torturing the “dumb babies” (who were really only like a year younger than her) and making them miserable, yet still somehow being invited to all the group hangs, play dates, and brunches. Angelica spends a lot of time telling everyone—including the adults—how beautiful she is and is absolutely desperate for attention, probably because her rich AF parents never pay attention to her. She’s your friend who cries and starts shit at the club anytime she feels like she’s not the hottest girl there (and she frequently is not—thanks Cynthia!) Also girl, lay off the cookies.
5. Charlotte Pickles
Charlotte Pickles is Angelica’s mom who is literally always on her phone. Like, always. Even in a time before cellphones could fit in your pocket, Charlotte is always on the phone with her assistant Jonathan (Cheban? We don’t know…) and ignores basically every member of her family to do so. When phones don’t work, Charlotte straight up makes her husband’s brother carry a fax machine around so she doesn’t miss any important texts. Charlotte alternates between a power suit and workout gear, always accompanied by an Ariana Grande level high ponytail. In All Grown Up, Charlotte displays clear signs of some seriously botched cosmetic surgery, which is what has dropped her down to slot #5. Never try to cut corners on botox, Charlotte! It’ll always go wrong. Honestly, Jonathan should have told you that.
6. Grandpa Lou
Grandpa Lou is another character who gives absolutely zero fucks and is down to hang. Much like Corinne, Lou loves naps and often falls asleep halfway through finishing his stories. Despite his old age, Lou is still a fuckboy, and is often seen hitting on women and generally trying to find ways to get laid. If Rugrats had taken place in 2017, Lou would have definitely had a Tinder and that Tinder definitely would have had a picture of him from 20+ years earlier. Lou is eventually successful in finding a new wife, Lulu, who he moves in with pretty fast after they start hooking up (risky choice, Lou!) Outside of his strangely active love life, Lou also has many frenemies, including his own cousin Miriam; his bowling rival, Billy “Strike” Maxwell; and some other wrestling guy named Conan McNulty. This proves that when push comes to shove, Lou is just not very popular and kind of an old perv. Sixth place for you, Lou.
7. Phil And Lil Deville
Okay I’m sorry, but Phil and Lil are fucking gross. Their diet is a mess, always eating fucking worms and mud and shit. Do you know how many calories are in a ball of worms, kids? Do you? Seriously. There is a Rugrats episode where Phil and Lil drink straight-up toilet water. What the fuck is that? Is that something babies do? Phil and Lil also have no creativity when it comes to fashion, and instead just dress alike every damn day in green—a color that is flattering on exactly 0 people. Their mom is a hardcore feminist, which is cool, but maybe the twins have been empowered to do a little bit too much. Like sure, Lil can do whatever she wants with her life, but maybe eating a giant pile of shit should not be one of those things? Idk. Seventh place.
8. Stu Pickles
Good Lord is Stu Pickles a sad man. Seriously. You have a beautiful house, two healthy babies, a cool Jewish wife who has managed to maintain her pre-baby body, and you’re still fucking complaining! Look around, asshole! You have all this shit despite the fact that your dumb ass hasn’t invented one successful toy. In fact, you haven’t even invented one toy that didn’t explode and almost kill your entire family. You are literally #blessed but you’re too blind to see it! The only thing keeping you from the bottom slot is this meme which, in the current political climate, is legit all of our lives right now:
9. Chuckie Finster
No. Just no. I’m sorry, but again, it’s gonna be a hard pass on Chuckie. Here are all the things Chuckie would have to improve if he ever even wanted to hope to be betchy. 1) His voice, which is terrible. Do you have a cold, Chuckie? Go to the damn doctor. It’s the ’90s. Hillary Clinton has passed the State Children’s Health Insurance Plan. You can go to the doctor. Go. 2) Grow. A. Pair. Dude. You know when Chuckie gets older he’s gonna be your friend who calls the cops on his own party for getting out of hand. He’s gonna be that guy who side eyes you for doing molly at Coachella, making weird comments under his breath about how you never know what’s “in that stuff” and generally bringing bad vibes despite the fact that Beyoncé is literally pregnant and dancing in front of you. 3) The hair is a problem. Comb it. Dye it. Do something. It’s a problem. 4) Tie your fucking shoes, dude. 9th place.
10. Chas Finster
There was no character on television from 1991-2004 that was less betchy than Chas Finster. He has all of Chuckie’s problems, but he is a fucking adult which means he has literally no excuse for being such a narc. Chas seems to be suffering from whatever health problems are affecting his son, and despite being a “bureaucrat,” apparently has no ability to get his ass to a doctor either. Like many sad old nerds, Chas must travel to a foreign country to find a wife, eventually convincing a way-too-hot-for-him Japanese woman to fly to America and be his Melania. Chas also has a double-Hitler mustache, which is 100% unacceptable, no matter what decade you live in. Sorry, Chas. Last place.