Last-Minute 4th Of July Outfits That Aren’t Tacky

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Remember back in grade school when you would get all dressed up in your once-a-year patriotic attire for the 4th of July? You’d grab your signature Old Navy T-shirt (depicting something like a golden retriever holding an American flag in its mouth), pair it with Soffe shorts in one of three colors, and finish off the look with a festive temporary tattoo? Ah simpler times, but nowadays you’re an adult with a 401(k) and that iconic outfit from your youth just ain’t gonna cut it for this 4th of July holiday. So what does an “adult” wear on the 4th of July, then? You don’t want to look cheesy dressed in something you can only wear that one day a year, but you still want to look somewhat on theme. Well, before you run back to your local Old Navy with your head hanging in defeat, consider one of these cute outfit alternatives, all of which are available for express shipping in case you’re lucky enough to be headed out for your holiday weekend ASAP.

Summery White Dress

There’s nothing better than being able to just throw on a sundress in the summer and look instantly cute and put-together. A white sundress is very all-American, girl-next-door, and this one in particular is available on Amazon for Prime shipping, so you can be sure to have it on your doorstep ASAP.

Denim Mini Dress

Buy $208
price as of time of posting

Nothing is more quintessentially American than some blue jeans, so why not take this classic to the next level this 4th of July with a cute denim mini dress? You can dress it up or dress it down by pairing the dress with either sneakers or summer sandals. This denim mini is from Revolve, who offers free two-day express shipping, so you can get it in time for your #ooo message to go up.

Sparkle Top

If you’re here to make a statement this 4th, an easy but eye-catching outfit idea is to wear a trendy sparkle top. Not only is it holiday festive, it also makes for a great Insta opp later in the evening with a sparkler in hand and fireworks in the background. Mind you, not all sparkle tops are created equal, but I can attest to the fact that this one in particular is high-quality, so it will actually last you through your night of drinking (unlike some of the others out there). White Fox offers $10 express shipping.

Festive Denim

These cheeky Free People flares have a not-so-subtle star butt detail, the perfect accent for your 4th of July look. The star works with the theme without being so over-the-top America that you would feel weird rewearing them. Plus, through Wednesday (7/29) at 1pm EST, Free People is offering free express shipping to ensure you have these statement-making jeans in time for your festivities.

Red Gingham Crop Top

Buy $198
price as of time of posting

This top is actually a swim top, which allows your to transition from beach to BBQ without having to put on a bra. Just throw on a cute white skater skirt or go full USA with some overalls overtop, and you’ll look super cute for the rest of the night. Even better, this popular swim brand, Montce, is currently offering free express shipping right now through June 28th. 

Simple Jumpsuit

Buy $289
price as of time of posting

If you’re going to a more elevated 4th of July party where the aforementioned denim overalls just won’t cut it, opt for an elevated jumpsuit in a basic patriotic color, like this one in white, for an easy and holiday-appropriate outfit. I’m obsessed with this jumpsuit from Revolve which is chic, timeless, and totally summery with the strapless bodice and slit leg detail. 

Matching Set

Easy and chic, another go-to summer option for your 4th of July outfit is a summery two-piece set. This one in red pinstripe is just patriotic enough to look like you actually put effort into your outfit without looking so holiday-specific that you would feel weird rewearing it later on in the summer. It’s from Amazon and available for Prime shipping.

Image: Alexey Kuzma /Stocksy.com

What To Wear To A Summer Wedding Based On The Dress Code

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Welcome to wedding season: where the hangovers are real, the dress codes are confusing, and we’re all sweating. As if the uptick in vaguely specific dress code attire hasn’t made finding a wedding guest outfit hard enough, summer weddings also require finding something that’s dress code appropriate while also seasonally appropriate. There’s a lot of “vibe interpreting” required for all these confusing wedding dress codes that, frankly, most of us just aren’t cut out for. So to help guide you on your seemingly treacherous wedding guest outfit search, here are some options based on the different dress codes.

White-Tie

Clearly I need to reevaluate my entire circle of friends because I’ve never attended nor have I even been invited to a white-tie wedding. White-tie dress code is the most formal of them all, requiring floor-length gowns, no exceptions. Your gown should be paired with your most elegant clutch and accessories and, if I were you, I’d take full advantage of the occasion and even add some trendy elbow-length gloves. You can make your gown more seasonally appropriate by choosing summery colors and fabrics.

Buy $295
price as of time of posting

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Black-Tie

Personally, this is my favorite wedding dress code out of the ones I’ve attended because I love an excuse to dress up. Black-tie dress code means you can wear a formal gown or elevated jumpsuit, either of which paired back to elegant accessories. Basically, think prom-adjacent attire minus the over-the-top tackiness and vodka-filled water bottles. Similarly as with white-tie, you can make your black-tie ensemble more summer- appropriate with light and bright colors, airy fabrics, and more breathable silhouettes.

Buy $76
price as of time of posting

Formal or Black-Tie Optional

This dress code can be confusing and definitely requires some of that “vibe interpreting” that I mentioned earlier. Black-tie optional is pretty much equivalent to formal and  just means slightly less formal than black-tie. The biggest difference for women’s attire is that a full-length gown isn’t required, but something of the same dressiness “vibe” is still recommended. Basically, if you want to get wild and show your ankles then you have permission to do so but I’d avoid going above the knee for your hemline. Add a summer-feel to your formal look with vibrant summer colors or a lightweight mesh fabric.

Cocktail

Cocktail attire means that women can wear shorter hemlines but still need to look dressy. Long story short, it would be inappropriate to wear a gown but also inappropriate to wear a sundress. I realize that leaves quite a large gamut, but basically just think a specialty mini dress, elevated midi dress, or eloquent jumpsuit. Overall, this dress code does imply a bit more of a flirty and playful vibe, so have fun with it but still look classy. Keep it summer appropriate with shorter hemlines, seasonal colors, or even an elevated floral print.

Semi-Formal or Dressy Casual

Semi-formal or dressy casual might be the most vague of all the dress codes because there are no “hard lines” beyond no sweatpants. Rather, you really have to feel into the vibe of the wedding, so maybe just grab a crystal and the invitation and mediate on it? On second thought, maybe just text a fellow wedding attendee to see what they’re wearing and go from there. At the end of the day, err on the side of being over-dressed rather than under-dressed.  Remember, it’s about special event elegance without crossing the line of “fancy.” Vague, I know, so best of luck.

Buy $290
price as of time of posting

Beach Formal

As someone who recently attended a beach formal wedding, my biggest piece of advice is DO NOT underestimate the heat. As someone who also attended said wedding in a long sleeve bridesmaid dress, I’m going to suggest you steer clear of sleeves and any material that could potentially show sweat. Instead, opt for lightweight summery fabrics like linen or gauze. And, if you’re really someone who sweats easily, go for an airy printed maxi to help disguise any possible sweat stains. Oh, and bring a handheld fan, you’ll thank me later.

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price as of time of posting

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Daytime or Casual

Covid has made the backyard wedding quite a trend, and given how expensive weddings can get, I definitely see the appeal. Backyard or daytime weddings are usually more casual which means they’re perfect for a breezy sundress, pretty mini dress, or sophisticated set. The only “don’t” here is going too casual or too dressy. Just avoid dressier fabrics, overly casual fabrics, stiletto heels, sneakers…and you should be good to go from there.

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price as of time of posting

Images: Omar LopezUnsplash 

What Your Bitmoji’s Outfit Says About You

I’ve always been the kind of person who’s super into any kind of shit that explains personalities. Whether it’s astrology, numerology, or the results of a fucking BuzzFeed quiz, I live for any information that pinpoints why people act the way they do. (It’s because my natal planet positions include Jupiter in Scorpio. Or because the legendary Elle Woods “we’re both Gemini vegetarians” quote really resonated with me at a young age. Or I’m just a narcissist. Who knows!) Anyway, I’m basically ready to throw all my star charts and psychology books away, because I’ve discovered that there’s really only one guide to truly understanding a person, and that’s a Bitmoji analysis. With the latest Snapchat updates, Bitmojis are a seriously integral aspect of daily life. Like, your Bitmoji probably gets more face time than you do. It’s not just a customized cartoon, it’s the single most representation of your entire life and soul. *Kourtney Kardashian voice* You can learn everything you need to know about someone by looking at their Bitmoji. I mean, obviously, your Bitmoji is going to be a little bit prettier than you. That’s expected. However, if your Bitmoji is way blonder, tanner and significantly thinner than you, you’re clearly out of touch with reality. On the other hand, if your Bitmoji is a carbon copy of you, you’re probably fucking hilarious and someone I’d like to drunkenly make brunch plans with in the bathroom of a club. But the biggest clue is your Bitmoji’s outfit. Here’s what your Bitmoji’s outfit and styling says about you.

Your Bitmoji Is Wearing Something From Forever 21

Choosing a Bitmoji outfit from Forever 21 is the exact same as choosing a real outfit from Forever 21. You tried on everything else in every other store in the mall, and now you’re supposed to start getting ready in an hour so you grab the first thing you see that doesn’t have a slice of pizza screen printed on the back out of sheer desperation. It’s not the worst thing you’ve ever worn, but it’s definitely not your first, second, or third choice in the grand scheme of life.

Your Bitmoji Is Dressed In Something Practical

I’ve literally never seen anyone actually use any of the practical Bitmoji outfits, which is probably because all of my Snapchat friends are still posting Snap stories of a bunch of drunk betches screaming Bieber in the back of an Uber. If your Bitmoji has a suit on, you’re way too uptight and need to pop a Xanax immediately.

Your Bitmoji Is Rocking Activewear

When in doubt, athleisure is always a great choice. It’s just such a shame that in Bitmoji world, you have to wear the generic version of Skechers Shape Ups.

Your Bitmoji Is Wearing Your Work Uniform

If your Bitmoji is in scrubs and your actual job is a nurse, you probably take your job too seriously. In this instance, it’s actually okay because it’s a really good way to avoid having to wear any of the other horrendous Bitmoji outfits.

Your Bitmoji Is Wearing A Bitmo-Tee

In the real world, graphic tees are such a slippery slope. They’re either brilliantly hilarious (like ours, hi) or absolutely cringeworthy, and there’s really no in between. In Bitmoji world, all graphic tees are major red flags. If your Bitmoji is wearing a graphic tee, you probably still think it’s okay to Instagram screenshots of motivational quotes you found on Pinterest and you need to be stopped.

Your Bitmoji Is Dressed For The Club

You’d probably never wear this outfit in real life, but you want your Bitmoji to tell the world that you’re prepared to turn up at a moment’s notice. All of the clubwear options are a little bit too Instagram model-y for everyday situations, like when your Bitmoji is enthusiastically sipping coffee on a Monday morning, but it’s definitely not the worst option.

Your Bitmoji Has A Costume On

If your Bitmoji is dressed as a fucking cupcake, you need to reel it in. Like, we get it. You do drugs and listen to a lot of EDM.

Your Bitmoji Is Keeping It Casual

In real life, all of the casual Bitmoji outfits would scream Pinterest mom. In Bitmoji world, they’re kind of the only truly safe bet. If your Bitmoji is in something casual, you’ve given up on trying to find a cartoon outfit that you’d actually wear because you have better shit to do. (Or complain about, and not actually do.)

Read: The Emojis You Should NEVER Use For Sexting
 
What To Wear For The Perfect Labor Day Insta

Well, the time has come and we’ve (somehow) made it through another summer of blacking out more times than we can count from too much frosé and vodka sodas. The nights are getting colder, as are your hearts, since you know you’ll probs never hear from your summer fling again. Well, maybe just one more random “U up?” text. Although summer has its perks, I’m like, so over feeling repulsive every goddamn day from being in a jam-packed subway with millions of sweating New Yorkers. IDC what you say, winter has arrived in Westeros I’m rejoicing in fall’s arrival. So with Labor Day weekend approaching, aka the last unofficial weekend of summer, it’s only natural to celebrate with too much alcohol and calorie-loaded drunchies in one hell of an outfit that leaves a lasting impression. Whether you’re *trying* to stay away from hot dogs at a family BBQ, bar-hopping (if you don’t die at the pregame), or chugging sipping on some wine in the Hamptons, here are all the essentials you need to really honor the fact that you’re a hardly hard-working contributing member of society.

1. Rag & Bone Wide Brim Panama Hat

Just one last time, wear an obnoxious sun hat to feel like a classy judgmental betch. This may be the last time you step foot on a beach until next summer so this crisp neutral hat is pretty close to being the next best thing. It even has a gingham band which is like, so fall so you’ll look really trendy and can def get away with wearing it again next year.

2. LPA X Revolve Top 566

Every person literally has this shirt or some version of it, but even if you don’t, you were def planning on buying it anyway. Kinda basic, I know, but it’s so versatile and playful that you can really dress up the work vibes it has with your hottest stilettos and fave jeans that hide your muffin top. The off the shoulder look is v flattering on everyone, especially because it’ll show off your summer tan (fake or real, you decide). Plus it has blue and white, which is fitting for a ‘Merica look so you can look a little patriotic for your judgy fam who posts too much shit on Facebook.

3. J.O.A. Fete White Distressed Ankle Skinny Jeans

Wearing white alone is pretty risky. Wearing white pants and getting away with it is reserved for the true queens. It’s LDW though, so YOLO. Even though no one, except maybe your grandma, follows the “no white after Labor Day” rule, be bold and wear white this weekend if it’s gonna be your last time for a while. (Whatever, those rules aren’t even real.) Opt for a pair of white pants that make you look like a Insta model, aka tall and skinny. These are cropped just above the ankle with frayed hems so your legs will look five miles long.

4. Via Spiga Wendolin High Block Heel Sandals

Long live the block heel. These are the perf transition from work to weekend festivities, with the 3-inch heel making it easier to stumble walk around in. The neutral brown goes with any of the 20 outfits you’ll try on before deciding, and it’s the best color to ring in the new season. Like you needed an excuse to buy more shoes, though. Since they’re open-toed, you’ll have another chance to show off the last of your summer pedi.

5. Charming Charlie Twisted Bead Necklace Set

I’m honestly so over chokers rn, so I’m gonna advise you to wear a statement necklace because those are just timeless—at least the ones that don’t look like your mother’s. If you plan on wearing an off the shoulder top (which you should because I said so) or even a high neck style, opt for a chunky necklace to really elevate your look with a bright pop of color. In this case, red is probs best because again, ‘Merica. You can adjust the length of the piece for your liking, but it’ll sit right on your collar so if anything, it kinda feels like the choker you’re used to but without it being a choker. Same thing.

What To Wear Out When You Know You’re Doing A Walk Of Shame In The Morning

Okay, it’s finally Friday and I am way overdue for six a gin and tonic since I haven’t had a drink in 5ever (Okay, since like, last Saturday but, who’s counting?). Here’s my struggle to which every slutty drunk can relate: Every time I go out and I know I’m not coming home (because it happens more often than not tbh), I feel like I look like Lindsay Lohan circa early 2000’s or a wannabe Damian Leigh in the morning. Amy Poehler, I’m pointing at you.

Lindsay Lohan vs Amy Poehler

^With shitty sunglasses and makeup running down my face like psycho Taylor Swift and all. There is no in-between.

So, I’ve decided I need to ~fluff off the excess to find my center~ by wearing things that are both acceptable in a nightclub and for a V hungover Sunday morning walk back home.

Here is some outfit inspo for your next outing that says you’re totally DTF by night, but you’re a calm, cool, and collected woman by day. Your roommate, mother, and priest can thank me later!

1. Shirt Dress

It’s a shirt! It’s a dress! Nope, it’s a shirt dress which happens to be the most comfortable and sexiest thing your closet should contain by now.

Shirt Dress

Shirt and Sweet Blue Chambray Shirt Dress

Nothing says “I’m ready for you” like a round of tequila shots and a button-down dress that can easily be taken off later just as fast as it can be put on in the AM.

My Body Is Ready

Pair it with strappy heels or wedges, a trendy crossbody, and throw on some sunglasses in there while you’re at it, because that’s going to be your disguise the next morning. Are you going to brunch? For a walk in the park? Coming back from your 3am booty call’s house? No one will ever know.

2. Basic Black Jumpsuit

Here’s the thing with jumpsuits: You can wear them to work, you can wear them to dinner, you can wear them to the bar, you can wear them to church if you wanted to. Basically, they’re fucking perfect because you can literally do anything with them. And wait, it gets better. You don’t even have to wear heels with it if you’re like me and can only last, like, two minutes without complaining. 

Jumpsuit

H&M LOVES COACHELLA Jumpsuit

Throw a denim or leather jacket over this for an edgy flair, slip on your flats, grab a choker, and call the girls because you are ready to par-taaaay and STILL look good decent when you wake up.

3. The Cutest Effing Shirt Anyone Has Ever Seen

Grab the most showstopping shirt you own and wear it with those jeans your butt looks good in (yes, jeggings will work). Accessorize the shit out of it with those Y-Necklaces everyone is wearing nowadays and some Valentino Rockstud pump lookalikes.

Endless Rose Cold Shoulder Top

Endless Rose Cold Shoulder Top

Not only do you look hot AF to drop it low, but you’re even dressed remotely appropriate to GTFO when you wake up the next morning in someone else’s bed. What if you bump into someone you know when you shadily dip? Just tell them you’re going to church or synagogue or Pizza Hut or whatever your house of worship is. They won’t even ask you twice.

4. Semi-Slutty Maxi Dress

You can wear a maxi dress out to a bar without looking like Vanessa Hudgens at Coachella, but only if the dress is kind of bodycon without being in-your-face about it. Opt for a ribbed maxi dress in a casual material like jersey (in black, duh) for a going out look that says “sophisticated, with a hint of slutty” and a morning after look that says “I just like to dress cute for brunch because I don’t even eat that much.”

Enza Costa Ribbed Maxi Dress

Enza Costa Ribbed Tank Maxi Dress

5. Small Wedges

Let’s get real. All the outfit planning in the world won’t help you if you’re walking down the street at 10am like Bambi in some 6-inch stilettos. Footwear is an often overlooked, but nonetheless essential, aspect of the hoe life. Opt for a small wedge, that way you won’t feel like a child—or worse, a nicegirl—at the bar, and you’ll still avoid the aforementioned Baby Deer Learning To Walk Syndrome. 

Eden Wedges JustFab

Style these with your best “Do Not Approach Me” glare and you have my blessings. Go forth and thot.

The Worst Looks From ‘The Bachelor’ So Far Because Barely Anyone Has Their Shit Together

We’re only two episodes deep in Nick Viall’s season of what some people like to call The Bachelor but what I like to call Nick Viall’s Tinder, but sadder and with more STIs and already Liz is whack AF. Especially whatever’s going on with the stories these women are trying to tell via their hair, makeup, clothes, accessories, and poor use of words.

But I’m not here to discuss who could and could not pass the GED. Or even what happened on night one—otherwise known as the red dress fiasco of 2017—because besides the dolphin/shark/Tilikum (RIP) costume there wasn’t really anything to note. Sure, Vanessa’s dress was heinous. Christen looked like a contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras, but that’s all par for the course. When the women are let loose to do their hair and makeup in a pinch and put together whatever they deem an “appropriate” outfit, that’s when shit gets really interesting. Enter: episode two.

In no particular order, here are the worst fashion and beauty looks from this week’s episode of The Bachelor (and their respective perpetrators).

1. Christen aka the poor man’s Kaitlyn Bristowe.

I would like to go out on a limb and assume that this was her just after she woke up, but it’s not. This appears to have been in the middle of the day. Christen is either a neglected sheep dog or an alcoholic, but probably both.

TF is this?

Seriously TF is that?

ME, thinking about Christen’s leopard headband a day later:

UGH

2. Franco aka the most underrated Franco brother

Omg, Dave! I love your onesie! Is it from American Apparel?

K.

3. Liz aka Amy Dunne

^^^Liz’s spiritual advisor.

I call this look “psycho casual.”

I call this look “psycho medium casual.”

I call this look “psycho glam.”

I call this look “psycho white supremacist” or in layman’s terms, “Donald Trump.”

And this one is Liz after she murdered Nick and had to take a shower to rinse off all the blood. It has no name, but it is easy to replicate. All you have to do is wet your hair, disregard any modicum of dignity you have left in this cruel world, and be born dead inside.

4. Princess Taylor aka the pinnacle of mental health

As if you didn’t already have a hard time taking this one seriously, put the adult mental health counselor in a tutu and a crown.

5. Corrine aka the white/sluttier/not talented at all Janet Jackson

TBH though this is my favorite look thus far.

She’s giving me mad Shakira vibes here. But less hot. And with less of a grasp on the English language.

6. Josephine aka the nurse with ADHD who I would most certainly not trust with needles or sharp objects in general

Taking a page from Amanda Stanton’s handbook of “off-the-shoulder shirts from Nasty Gal that shouldn’t count as shirts.” Next up on the to-do list: being verbally assaulted by dating Jesus freak fuckboy Josh Murray. Good luck, Josie!

Also, these crispy ring curls are sending me into a bout of depression.

7. I already forgot her name aka Jaws

And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them and…it was so sad.

Nick to Jaws: And did you know she cheats on Aaron?

Get a grip, Jaws! No one wears hoop earrings anymore. It’s civil rights. This is the ’90s. Also, happy boob birthday, you sweet little freak.