You know what they say: April Showers bring May… Netflix marathons? Look, I know you would rather not be watching one million hours of TV. May is supposed to be the beginning of darty season (or maybe you’ve graduated to drinking on rooftop bars). The sun is starting to shine, everyone can smell the beginning of summer, and things are generally looking up. This May… well, there’s no need to restate the obvious, but all I’ll say is that it does not appear we will be heading to a rooftop bar anytime soon.
At least we don’t have to worry about how pale we’ve all gotten. If only the glow of a computer screen could tan my face. Not that I’d have anyone to show it to, but I’d like to feel at least somewhat confident about my appearance in my Zoom square during meetings, which I do stare at 100% of the time. Anyway, here are the best shows and movies coming to Netflix in May.
This week, Higher Ground Productions, The Obama’s production company, announced their plans to air the documentary Becoming, which follows Michelle Obama on tour promoting her memoir of the same title. The documentary is set to premiere on Netflix on May 6th. I will take any and all Obama family content I can get, so I cannot wait to see the stories Michelle encountered and shares in this movie.
‘Back to the Future’ & ‘Back to the Future Part II’
Has the Back to the Future franchise aged well? My guess is no, but I haven’t seen the classic 80s movies in forever. Luckily, the first and second movies about the antics of Marty McFly and Doc Brown time-traveling are coming to Netflix this month, so we can decide once and for all. Hilarious that 2015 was considered to be so far into the future, and now I look back on those days wistfully.
‘What a Girl Wants’
What A Girl Wants is Amanda Bynes at her peak. Fresh off the success of The Amanda Show (can they put that on Netflix?), Bynes goes to England to find her dad, who is none other than Colin Firth. A British politician, he takes her into his family, but she has to learn to fit in and not cost him the election. But at what cost, if she can’t be her quirky, destructive self?
‘Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours To Kill’
Seinfeld fans will be happy to know that Jerry Seinfeld is coming out with a brand new stand-up special, taped at the Beacon Theater in New York, premiering on May 5th. I watched the trailer and all 90 seconds of it are Jerry trying to convince the audience that something can suck and be great at the same time. “Never feel bad that your life sucks. The greatest lesson you can learn in life is ‘sucks’ and ‘great’ are pretty close,” he tells us. Okay, clearly he knew this quarantine was coming? Something smells fishy, but maybe he will have some advice for us all.
‘Workin’ Moms: Season 4′
Netflix is releasing the next eight episodes of Workin’ Moms on May 6th, which gives you just shy of a week to catch up. The comedy follows the lives of four moms who met in Mommy & Me classes, and who have to return to the workforce after giving birth. In season 4, the kids are growing up, and the moms are too. They still have to figure out how to keep their lives, families, and careers are together without going insane.
‘Dead to Me: Season 2’
The end of season 1 of Dead To Me was pretty crazy. (Spoilers ahead.) Judy confessed to Jen that she ran over Ted (Jen’s husband), but then it was like… maybe not? And then Jen shot Steve, Judy’s ex-fiancé, because she thought he was the one that killed Ted? Steve kind of sucked, so when the season ended it was kind of like… okay, I guess everything’s evened out now. Season 2 says not so fast, missy, we’ve got a lot of questions to answer. Does Jen forgive Judy? Is Steve really dead? Who is actually responsible for killing Ted?
The director of La La Land, Damien Chazelle, is releasing his new eight-episode drama, The Eddy, on Netflix May 8th. “The Eddy” is the name of the struggling Paris jazz club owned by musician Elliot. The show follows him as he tries to save his club and his family when both begin to unravel. I expect lots of Paris scenes (who doesn’t like those?), and lots of great music, so this show will definitely be one to look out for.
‘House at the End of the Street’
The 2012 psychological thriller House at the End of the Street starring Jennifer Lawrence will soon be available on Netflix. In case you’re looking to feel something again, horror movies are probably your best bet. When 17-year-old Elissa moves to a new town with her mom, she learns the house at the end of the street was the site of a gruesome murder in which a girl killed her parents and then disappeared. Elissa begins to date Ryan, the girl’s brother, who still lives in the house and holds many secrets and grudges. I’m sorry, but that is a major red flag and her first mistake.
‘Grey’s Anatomy: Season 16’
The most recent season of Grey’s Anatomy will still be on Netflix. With production cut short due to the virus, the season features 21 episodes instead of the planned 25. If you need something comforting (comforting, as in, a show you’ve been watching for literally ever), then you’ll be glad to see the newest season coming out May 9th, with all of your favorite characters—well, the ones who are still alive.
‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy Vs. the Reverend’
I have seriously been missing Kimmy Schmidt in my life, and I am so excited about this special. The whole eclectic bunch from the show appear in this special, and in Kimmy Vs. the Reverend, Kimmy embarks on her biggest adventure yet. The more exciting part? It’s interactive; the viewer gets to choose what Kimmy does with her life. That’s good, because sometimes she needs a little direction. Remember Bandersnatch? I imagine it will the same sort of setup, except it’s not part of the Black Mirror franchise so you won’t be weirdly distraught by the ending.
‘Riverdale: Season 4’
I seriously cannot believe this show is still being made. So much respect for Riverdale, the best show written by predictive text on an iPhone. I faded out during season 2 when they made up a drug ring and decided to call said drug “jingle jangle.” But that’s not even close to the worst they’ve done on this show. I might need something to laugh at and hate-watch soon, though, so maybe Riverdale will make its way back to my screen after all.
This is a classic. Soul Surfer is based on a true story of the life of Bethany Hamilton, whose left arm was bitten off in a shark attack. She eventually recovers and learns to surf with one arm. Still, she is frustrated that she can’t be where she once was, and slowly realizes that her dreams of pro-surfing competitions and sponsorships probably aren’t going to happen. When Bethany goes on a service trip to Thailand after the 2004 tsunami, she realizes that she can still use her skills to teach kids not to fear water. Let me tell you, you are never not in the mood for this movie. It’s inspiring and a feel-good for sure.
‘Just Go With It’
Just Go With It is your typical Adam Sandler comedy, and is a fun watch when you’re not really in the mood for anything else. Sandler’s character is a womanizer, and his go-to move for getting women is telling them he’s going through a divorce. When one of them demands to meet his “ex-wife”, he enlists the help of Jennifer Aniston and also, to keep it going, pretends her kids are his kids. The kids convince Sandler to take everyone to Hawaii, where he and Jennifer Aniston actually do fall in love at the end of the day.
Speaking of Adam Sandler, he stars in Uncut Gems, but this crime thriller is the opposite of his typical roles. I’m glad this movie is coming out on Netflix because I thought about seeing it in theaters last year, but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth the money, and then promptly forgot about it. Luckily for me, the wait is over. Uncut Gems is about a jeweler who needs to repay his debts quickly. Through dangerous and high-risk pawning and betting, he finds ways to get increasingly more money, and hopefully, it will be enough.
There’s a lot arriving to Netflix in May, so hopefully, something catches your eye. As always, they’re kicking many shows and movies to the curb as well. Here are some of the shows and movies that are leaving Netflix in May 2020: Scandal: Season 1-7, It Takes Two, Yours, Mine and Ours, Austin Powers in Goldmember, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Dear John, Final Destination, The Final Destination, Final Destination 2, Final Destination 3, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, My Girl, The First Wives Club, Royal Pains: Season 1-8, Limitless, The Place Beyond the Pines, Love, Rosie, She’s Out of My League, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.
Images: sebastiaan stam / Unsplash; Giphy (10)
We’ve now been in quarantine for over six weeks, and I’m running out of things to watch. What about Netflix, you say? Ha! I laugh in the face of Netflix. Too Hot to Handle? Done! Tiger King? Obviously. Outer Banks? Duh! You name it, I’ve seen it. So now that I’ve exhausted every option, I’m rewatching old movies that I used to have on repeat. Today’s film? He’s Just Not That Into You, which is one of those movies that has many interconnecting stories and features a plethora of A-listers that never were on set at the same time but wanted an easy paycheck. I’m going to recap it for you here, and friends, if you thought this movie was some sexist bullsh*t in 2009, just you WAIT until you watch it in 2020.
We open on a playground scene. Baby Ginnifer Goodwin is getting bullied by a little boy, and before you ask, no, I’m not bothering to learn any of these characters’ names, so get used to it. Anyway. Ginnifer’s mom tells her that’s because he likes her. In voiceover, she tells us that for years, our fellow women let us believe this lie that if men are mean to us, it means they’re into us. She says it’s bad advice and just not true. She condemns it! I’ll urge you to bookmark this part right here, because it is the idea upon which the entire movie is built. If he’s mean to you, He’s Just Not That Into You. Remember this moment.
We’ve moved off the playground and into a bar, as one does. Ginnifer is an adult on a date with Kevin Connolly, who is riding high off his Entourage success. The waitress asks if they’d like another round. Ginny is eager and Kevin hesitantly agrees. What a lucky girl! They leave the date, he kisses her on the cheek, and it is obvious to anyone with eyes that this is going nowhere.
After they part ways, he immediately calls Scarlett Johansson because he’s just tipsy enough to think maybe she’ll suck his dick. Our heroine, Ginnifer Goodwin, thinks that he is calling her to leave a message. WHAT?! This is where I have to point something out, friends. This movie is not about men not being that into us. It is actually about a very sick individual, Ginnifer, who comes up with fantastical scenarios in her head based on little to no evidence, and who truly needs to be committed. Or should at least be forced to sit in the corner wearing a straitjacket for one hour. I will present my case throughout this recap, and I think by closing statements you’ll all be ready to vote to convict. This is Exhibit A.
Now we pivot to a grocery store. Scarlett Johansson wins a free cooler and acts like it is her long-lost identical twin sister with whom she has been reunited with after many years of searching. She’s so happy to see this cooler that she cannot contain herself and gives Bradley Cooper, the man in line to check out behind her, a huge hug. I think this is supposed to be a meet-cute? But should meet-cutes make you feel this icky inside? Then they chat outside the Quickchek.
Bradley Cooper: I can help you with your music career
Oh and what do you know, when Bradley gets into the car his buddy Ben Affleck is waiting for him! At least he has a cheating guru to rely on.
Ben Affleck then goes home to his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. It is now that I start to wonder if we’re in a movie, or is this just the darkest timeline?
Jennifer nags Ben because her little sister is getting married and they are not yet married after many years together. He tells her that “people who get married are not to be trusted.” WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you could come up with? Not “marriage is a sham of an institution”? “We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love and commitment to one another”? There are so many pages he could have taken out of the “Man Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married But Can’t Stand Being Alone” playbook that would have been at least a little convincing; this one doesn’t even make any sense.
Next, we get a montage of Ginnifer acting absolutely out of her mind after her date with Kevin Connolly. She leaves her flip phone (lol) open during yoga (not how that worked, even back in the early 2000s), tells Jennifer Connelly that she knows where he hangs out, and then we see her at work with Jen C and Jen A (my GOD Jennifer is a popular name), and they are psychoanalyzing her date. Ginny! Just pour some wine in that work mug, get loose, and give him a call! As it turns out, that is what she does, and it also turns out that was some very bad advice. Whoops!
Kevin does not pick up, obviously, and Ginnifer leaves him a voicemail, which I just so happened to find a handy GIF of:
The ways we women will embarrass ourselves for a mediocre white man under 5’7” are truly astounding.
After that disaster, Ginnifer goes to the restaurant that Kevin said he hangs out in and tells the hostess that she is meeting someone! Exhibit B. You are not meeting someone, Ginnifer, you’re stalking. You’re working your way toward a restraining order. This is where she meets Justin Long, who will continue to demean women the entire movie in what I can only assume the director thought was a charming way?
This is when Justin tells her about “The Rule.” He says, “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn’t give a sh*t.” I have no problem with the rule in theory; in fact, I think it’s a good rule and one I tell my friends every time they try to triple-text a guy who doesn’t even watch their Instagram stories. The problem, however, is that the movie spends the next hour and change disproving their own rule. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
So then Ginnifer goes home, eats some mini muffins, and comes to the revelation that if a man cheats on you at the beginning of a relationship, or is otherwise awful, they don’t really care about you at all. That’s all she came up with?! I’ve come up with more profound revelations after chugging two Four Lokos at a frat party my freshman year of college.
OMG Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are getting pedicures. I dream of the day I can do that again. My feet do not belong to me anymore. My feet belong to Gollum. Anyway. ScarJo tells Drew about how she wants to pursue a married man (Bradley Cooper). Drew tells her about a homewrecker she knows who got a happy ending, so ScarJo should go for it! Reader, this is bad advice.
Bradley Cooper shuts ScarJo down, having not heard the story of the happy homewrecker, I guess. So Scarlett goes right to Kevin Connolly’s house for a foot rub and some compliments. This might be the one realistic aspect of the entire movie.
Now Jennifer Aniston goes home and picks a fight with Ben Affleck about the marriage thing. She says to him, “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going to marry me after.” How funny, I use that exact line on all my first dates. I think you all can understand why I’m still single now, huh?
Jen asks Ben if he’s ever going to marry her. He doesn’t answer. It’s okay, Jen! In 2020 he’ll be parading around LA without a mask and calling the paparazzi to take his picture during a global pandemic, so I promise you won’t regret walking out!
Bradley Cooper then calls ScarJo back. He apologizes for not wanting to cheat on his wife earlier, he’s ready now. They make a plan to meet up at his office to “talk about her career.”
Meanwhile, Ginnifer is at happy hour. She meets a guy. She gives him her number, he gives her his, and then he says he looks forward to hearing from her. Instead of playing it cool, Ginnifer immediately chases him out and interrogates him like she is Carrie Mathison trying to figure out the mole. This is Exhibit C.
ScarJo goes to Bradley Cooper’s office and asks him why he is married. God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re married! He said that he and Jennifer Connelly dated in college and then she gave him an ultimatum that they get married or break up. What a beautiful love story! Can I submit it to The Way We Met? Then he paces around his office telling her that she’s hot. I will say, the writers really nailed the lines for dudes that like to cheat on their significant others, because I’ve never once had a man with a partner that’s attempting to pursue me text that he loves my personality.
And now the very unstable Ginnifer is taping the card, which she ripped up, of happy hour dude back together so that she can call him. I guess she’s really looking forward to some less-than-mediocre conversation where he talks about his high salary before he makes her split the check, falls asleep on top of her after two pumps, and then texts her the next day asking if she’s on birth control.
Instead, she calls Justin Long because she needs someone to emotionally slap her across the face.
That’ll do the trick!
Now Ginnifer is on a different date and making out with a guy on his couch. He tells her he’s leaving tomorrow so he’ll be out of touch for a little bit. Better have sex tonight! It’s at this point that I’ve got to wonder how this woman presumably made it to adulthood in one piece being so naive. She goes to the bathroom to call Justin Long for advice. He tells her that she needs to go home, this guy is a liar, and doesn’t like her. He also tells her to take her time in the bathroom and make him sweat. WHAT IS THAT ADVICE?! Make him think you have bowel troubles and you’re just sh*tting uncontrollably in his bathroom? Just leave! You don’t have to make him think your IBS is flaring up just to get out of f*cking him! This is Exhibit D.
Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck go boating. Bradley tells Ben that no guy actually wants to get married. And if they do, all they can think about is all the girls they’re going to miss out on. Wow, I didn’t know that trash was physically capable of sailing a boat.
Our favorite maniac, Ginnifer, goes to meet up with Justin Long and a friend he is setting her up with. His friend doesn’t show because Justin “mixed up the dates”, so instead he spends the whole evening telling her that women are dramatic, she’s pathetic like a basset hound (don’t you drag innocent puppies into this, Justin!!) and that if a girl doesn’t like him he just finds another girl with smaller pores and bigger implants. Wait, what? You judge your date on the size of their pores? No one should be taking this man’s advice.
Now we’re at ScarJo’s apartment and Bradley is there, and I guess they just had sex. Did I miss something? I mean, I did zone out for about 90 seconds to reevaluate all the life decisions that lead me to what is clearly the Bad Place, so maybe I missed a transition of some kind. Or perhaps this movie really is that clunky. Either could be true!
Ginnifer is sitting on her couch with her landline next to her. Is this 2009 or is this 1999? Because in 2009 I legit had my third iPhone. 2009 was the future! Justin Long calls and invites her to his party, where I can only assume they will be watching movies they rented from Blockbuster, playing on Tamagotchis, and listening to Pearl Jam.
Then the next day, she goes to work and she tells all her friends that Justin Long is into her because he… *checks notes*… invited her to his party. Exhibit E.
She’s also convinced that Justin mixing up the dates for his friend wasn’t actually a mistake, he has no friend named Bill, and that he just wanted to go out with her. So the man that has advocated for being upfront this entire movie, albeit in a pretty dickish way, is trying to mind trick her into going on a date? Now I’m not just concerned about her mental capacity, I also think she needs hearing aids. But I’m the only skeptical one here, because she convinces the Jennifers at work it’s true. Idiots abound!
Now we’re at Home Depot with Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper. Jen and Brad are fighting over hardwood floors. She says fake wood is a liar and she doesn’t like that it’s pretending to be real wood. What a metaphor! It’s so profound, Bradley tells her he cheated on her. And then he’s basically like, “so I guess you hate me, I’m gonna move out so I can f*ck ScarJo in peace.” But then she tells him not to move out, and he somehow gets roped into staying together. I feel like this conversation about the state of their marriage probably should have been longer and not conducted next to thousands of tiny little shiplap samples, but ok.
Now we’re at this party. Ginnifer is snacking and telling people that something is going to happen between her and Justin and that she is “more than a guest.” Justin asks Ginnifer for some help and she asks “kind of like co-hosting?” This is Exhibit F. It is here that I must say I do not know any single women that would ever act this way. We just don’t happen to have boyfriends, we’re not deranged. I feel like this movie is really painting us in a false light. Also, nobody goes to a party wanting to host, that’s just extra work.
After the party is over, Ginnifer cleans up Justin’s entire apartment while he plays video games with a Blake Lively look-alike. They couldn’t get the actual Blake for this movie? They sprung for everyone else. Ginnifer says that it’s 3am, so the Blake-a-like leaves. Ginnifer lingers. Justin tells her he has to go to bed, clearly blowing her off, and so naturally she jumps him. She says she thinks they are in a relationship (Exhibit G; at this point, I fully expect to make it to the end of the alphabet and then into some numbers), and he reiterates that he told her if a guy is into a girl he would make it happen. He calls her insane (fair) and they get into a big fight and she finally goes home, which probably involves getting on a spaceship to whatever foreign planet she lives on.
That scene was the most horrifying thing that has been on my TV in years, and I fall asleep to Dateline every Friday night. And the writers really got it wrong. Sure, sometimes women and men start out as friends and end up dating. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard about it on the internet! But I just don’t think that after Justin telling her all this time that a guy would make it happen if he’s interested, that she would just throw herself at him when he’s not even acting interested. He’d rather play Call of Duty than acknowledge her presence! This would never happen.
Now we’re at the office, and Jennifer Connelly is telling Ginnifer that Bradley Cooper is cheating on her. She says she needs to take responsibility because she forced him into getting married and now she’s not fun anymore. And that they never have sex anymore. Ginnifer tells Jennifer that it is not her fault (yes, that sentence killed me inside too). This is the only not insane thing Ginnifer has said this whole movie, and I am proud of her brief moment of clarity. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
OH NO, THIS SCENE. Bradley Cooper has Scarlett in his office and her positive career meeting is making them hornier than the idea of losing $20,000 is to those kids on Too Hot To Handle. They start to get frisky in his office when his wife shows up! He shoves Scarlett in the closet, screws his wife, and she leaves. That office has an awful lot of windows for the amount of sex going on it, but who am I to judge?
Scarlett comes out of the closet and tells Bradley he’s a disgusting excuse for a man. But like, you knew he was married? And you were about to do the same thing with him?
ScarJo is sad after being forced to listen to Bradley Cooper’s muffled grunts and Jennifer Connelly’s unenthused heavy breathing, so she calls up Kevin Connolly and finally lets him bang her again. She says she wants to be with him, but as we zoom in on her cold, empty eyes in the middle of the night, her face reveals the truth. Once again, this plot line is the only one in the whole film that captures the truth.
Jennifer Connelly goes back to her house and realizes that Bradley Cooper has been lying to her all along. She smashes a mirror, which is foolish because it means seven years of bad luck! But I guess she did have to be married to a dude who picks up mistresses at the bodega for the last seven years, so maybe she’s already done her penance.
Jennifer Aniston and Ben get back together and she says she doesn’t need to get married, he just needs to let her eat Wheat Thins in bed. Amen, sister! But maybe dream bigger. Eat a four-course meal in bed. Beds are the new tables! I mean all of that hypothetically of course, haven’t done it myself lately, no way.
Kevin Connolly takes ScarJo to visit a house and he says he wants to buy it. Well, that escalated quickly. She can no longer hide her disgust for him and dumps him. I hope he can get that deposit back!
Bradley comes back to his house and finds his sh*t nicely packed and left on the stairs. Wow. If neatly folding your cheating spouse’s items as a way of telling them you want a divorce is not the sign of a sociopath, I don’t know what is.
Ginnifer gets back from her date with Bill. So Bill does exist! Justin Long knocks on her door. He tells her he fell for her and he kisses her. He tells her she is the exception to the rule. WHAT? You mean to tell me that the 120 minutes this movie just spent telling me that women are the rule and not the exception is actually completely going back on its word?! I AM SHOOK.
AND THEN! Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston. She is also the exception! I’m suing for my time back and emotional distress.
Finally, we cut to ScarJo singing a sad song in a bar and wearing ostentatious red lipstick, obviously to remind us that homewreckers end up alone. Bradley Cooper is back at the Quickchek buying beer, and Jennifer Connelly moves into a new house to begin a new life with an unsmashed mirror.
This part of the movie is where I really lose it. It just spent HOURS telling us that if a man is mean to you, he doesn’t like you. And then in 30 seconds it dismantles that entire premise with the equivalent of a “jk lol” text. While I know I shouldn’t expect too much out of a movie whose script was clearly written on the back of a napkin, I can’t help but think that this sends a horrible message to us single women around the world. He doesn’t act into you, but he really is (Ginnifer!), he says he won’t marry you but then he does (Jennifer!), I’m confused. Do I believe what men say, or do I not? In fact, the only single woman that seems remotely real to me, the one who is enticed by a hot married man, and dates a guy she doesn’t actually like because she wants to be loved, is the only woman who gets an ending that seems sad and hopeless. But she’s the only woman who even partially understands the message of “he’s just not that into you.” The movie actually punishes the idea it presents. They should have just called it He’s Definitely Into You: How To Snag A Lying Liar Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married.
We end with Ginnifer finally co-hosting a party, and telling us in voiceover to “never, ever give up hope that you’ll find love.” Sure! That, or you could just beat a man down into loving out in what can only be some form of Stockholm Syndrome!
I hope you all enjoyed reminiscing as much as I did, now I’m off to text the dude who was rude to me at Shop Rite yesterday. He totally wants it.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (5)
Welcome to the 2020 Golden Globes! While us normos are actively avoiding any human interaction after three weeks of non-stop partying and soul-crushing fights with our family members, Hollywood is getting together for yet another rager. Well, technically it’s an award show, but what would you call a night filled with 1,500 bottles of champagne, rambling monologues, awkward run-ins with exes, that all ends with a trip to a fast food joint? That’s what I thought.
This year, the Golden Globes were hosted by Ricky Gervais, marking the fifth time he’s held the honor, and his first time hosting since 2016. Now, I’m a fan of Ricky because at his best he is scathing, and at his worst he makes everyone so uncomfortable you can actually physically feel the hatred emanating off of them, and that’s a reaction I’m very used to. What can I say, you like what you know. But I can understand if he’s not your cup of tea. Well, I can’t, but one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more understanding and it’s only January 6th, so I’m being magnanimous. You’re welcome. Anyway, this year he was better than I could have even imagined. Ricky immediately came for the people who hired him, called everyone in the room dumb perverts, and made a “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke. If that wasn’t 90% of you after three cocktails at your office holiday party, then you’re lying.
Ricky Gervais 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/z4LxMWj9ev
— Jack McGuire (@JackMacCFB) January 6, 2020
Ricky started the show off super strong, and it only got more preachy bonkers from there. So instead of a full recap, which none of us have time for unless you were fired after said office holiday party, I’ve broken the show into highs and lows. Let’s get to it!
☆ I know I already talked about the monologue, but bear with me while I just say that Ricky throwing out the line, “It’s the last time, who cares” after every insult he slung at the HFPA is a level of who gives a sh*t that we should all aspire to. (Also, special shout-out to Ricky for calling out Leo DiCaprio’s refusal to date age-appropriate women.)
☆ In toasting the three nominations for Knives Out, Ricky Gervais took an easy shot at Cats, everyone’s least favorite movie of the year: “See what happens when you don’t dress people up as cats?” Boom. Roasted. Honestly, that’s gonna be my philosophy whenever I accomplish anything from now on.
☆ Ramy Youssef admitting during his acceptance speech for “Best Performance by an Actor – Comedy or Musical,” that no one knows who he is. Fine, I’m mostly including this because he’s from Jersey, HOW DO YOU ALL SEE THROUGH ME? Hooray, New Jersey! We will take over the world like we’ve been secretly plotting! Soon everyone will be referring to their hometown by their exit on the parkway mwahahaahahahhahah!
☆ Celebrities raising awareness for the bush fires in Australia. I legit think that’s the only reason they gave Russell Crowe an award, because no one I know even saw The Loudest Voice. If they wanted to watch Roger Ailes prey on women they just waited to see Charlize Theron in Megyn Kelly cosplay in Bombshell. But really, those fires are BAD. Please help if you can!
☆ Bill Hader and Rachel Bilson showing up on the red carpet together for the first time. If you’re not watching Barry, you’re missing out on one of the best dark comedies on TV, plus you’ve yet to realize that Bill Hader is stealthily hot. And Summer Roberts deserves her happy ending. I stan.
☆ Just like at the Emmys, Fleabag won the Best Comedy Series, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge won Best Actress for her performance. These were some of the least surprising wins of the night, but sometimes the best show wins for a reason. Now that Fleabag is over, I can’t wait to see what Phoebe does next, because the world is truly her oyster. When will the world be my oyster?
☆ Succession wins! Succession won best drama and Brian Cox aka Logan Roy aka possibly the most mentally abusive father in America won Best Actor. Damn, that show is good. I actually screamed at the end of the second season when something insane happens that I won’t mention here, because I don’t want to get lit up in the comments over spoiling something that ended months ago. So I won’t spoil it, but WATCH IT ALREADY. And we were BLESSED that Brian Cox won because it allowed us the absolute best moment of the night, a Jason Momoa in a tank top sighting. It’s like someone knew we needed to start 2020 out that way.
My sexual orientation is Jason Momoa in a tank top at the Golden Globes pic.twitter.com/h0wwCl47Oa
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) January 6, 2020
☆ Kate McKinnon presenting the Carol Burnett award to Ellen. It was heartfelt, inspiring, and also funny. However, I was confused when Ellen said that people tell her that her show inspires them to go out every day and help people, and that’s what TV should do. The TV I watch inspires me to go out there and mercilessly mock Florida. Am I watching the wrong things?
☆ Brad Pitt’s face. Whoever is keeping Brad looking this refreshed is doing a fantastic job. It looks natural even though I know it’s not, and he could get it over Leo ANY. DAY. Fight me.
☆ While introducing Jojo Rabbit, Sacha Baron Cohen joked that Mark Zuckerberg is a “naive, misguided child who spreads Nazi propaganda.” LMAO. Where is the lie? Why do I feel like Sacha wrote that one himself? This definitely made some people in the room uncomfortable, but none of the other presenters had material that good.
Sacha Baron Cohen just roasted Mark Zuckerberg. #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/lc4m9WiTgc
— Lights, Camera, Pod (@LightsCameraPod) January 6, 2020
☆ Tom Hanks. Man, has that guy been in a lot of great movies. And THE EMOTION. Over his family. And he has a kid who is a white rapper and goes by the name Chet Haze! And he still loves them! For that alone he deserves an award.
☆ The cameraman who was smart enough to cutaway to Jennifer Aniston during Brad Pitt’s acceptance speech. I know some of you might be over this love triangle, but I didn’t invent it, and the media has made me invested in it for over half my life, so thank you, sir, for rewarding all the time and dedication I have put into this relationship. Now, if only her reaction had been more scandalous. We’ll have to work on that for next year, Jen.
☆ Also, Brad Pitt for acknowledging what we all know to be true, Leo COULD HAVE FIT ON THE DOOR and that Kate Winslet is a cold-blooded murderer. I also liked what he said about being kind to someone tomorrow. And I will, tomorrow! Today I have to write this recap.
☆ Awkwafina won Best Actress for her heartbreaking performance in The Farewell, and her acceptance speech was as funny as you’d expect. When she said “I told you I’d get a job, dad,” I really felt that. Way to stick it to dads everywhere that begged us to just be accountants.
☆ So I was about to put Joaquin Phoenix’s win on the “lows” list because I find him exhausting, pompous, and a little crazy behind the eyes, but then he called out everyone in the room for being hypocrites and I shrieked. Stop preaching about climate change and then hopping on your private jets, assholes! I loved it. Good luck at the after parties, Joaquin. Leo is not going to be happy.
Joaquin Phoenix did seem quite drunk BUT telling a room full of famous people to stop taking private jets to Palm Springs….you DO love to see it #GoldenGlobes
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) January 6, 2020
☆ Michelle Williams won for her performance in Fosse/Verdon, and she used her speech as an opportunity to speak out on the importance of women’s rights, especially when it comes to abortion. She’s known for keeping her personal life very private, so to hear her speak so passionately was truly a special moment.
☆ WHERE WAS LITTLE WOMEN?!! This movie was beautiful. I laughed, I cried, I remembered how much this story meant to someone like me, who fancies herself a writer. And the HFPA couldn’t give a sh*t about this movie. Couldn’t fathom how it would be important. Barely nominated it. It makes me believe everything Ricky Gervais said about them. Oscars, your move. Are you going to make me call you sexist trash bags, too?
☆ WTF was J.Lo wearing? Girl, we already know you’re a gift, you didn’t have to dress like the Christmas wrapping paper my mom bought at Paper Source on January 1st for 60% off.
☆ Laura Dern’s acceptance speech. I mean, she was funny, and charming, and she looked gorgeous, but the whole thing was hijacked by Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass. Come on, cameraman. We know she looked hot, but this is about Laura! Maybe film the winner’s acceptance speech from the front next time, and Google pictures of Gwyneth’s body at home later on your free time. This is your job, cameraman!
☆ Pairing Amy Poehler and Taylor Swift as presenters was BRILLIANT, because as you will remember, one of the years that Tina and Amy hosted the show they made a joke about Taylor Swift dating younger guys, and she responded later saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.” Which is something I still laugh about to this day because it was such an overreaction. But this presentation was a missed opportunity. They didn’t even address it! I couldn’t even tell you what they presented, that was how boring it was. The fact that they didn’t take advantage of this pairing just made it pointless. I know you had something to say Amy, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
☆ Jason Momoa put his jacket back on to present.
☆ I find it unbelievable that Unbelievable didn’t win anything. As a true crime junkie, I can honestly say that that series was a cut above the rest of the genre, and Kaitlyn, Merritt, and Toni each gave heart-wrenching performances. And seriously, WHO IS WATCHING CHERNOBYL?!
☆ Another year where the best actor in a musical/comedy was from a musical biopic. I love Taron Egerton, but if he was going to win for anything it obviously should have been Kingsman. It takes great talent to play a character named Eggsy without laughing.
☆ The presenters. As I mentioned earlier, they were all kind of nothing-burgers. Was Tom Hanks passing around his cold medicine at the pre-show?
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood winning multiple awards, proving once again that Hollywood loves nothing more than to jerk itself off.
That Pierce Brosnan’s sons, this year’s Golden Globe Ambassadors, were nowhere near as hot as Pierce Brosnan.
The length. Over 3 hours?!?! Did I spend 11 hours binging the entire season of Spinning Out just yesterday? Yes, but what’s your point?
At that’s all folks! Have a good day! As Ricky says, get drunk, take your drugs! Happy New Year!
Images: Jackmacdfb ,sbstryker, lightscamerapod, eiffeltyler/Twitter; enews, betches/Instagram; Giphy
Since its launch, Instagram has evolved from an app where you posted grainy photos of your Starbucks drink for your 24 followers to a global platform that’s basically its own economy. I mean, just look at the number of thinkpieces about what will happen now that Instagram is hiding like counts. Of course, Instagram has created an entire world of influencers and semi-models who rely on their likes, but then you also have the real celebrities. Some do ads (even though they don’t need to), some just post whatever they want. There are entire Instagram accounts dedicated to what celebrities are doing on Instagram, and nowadays, something as simple as a like can turn into a newsworthy event.
While some celebs were early adopters of Instagram, more and more famous people have finally joined in the last year or two. More famously, Jennifer Aniston joined Instagram and promptly broke the app, and Matthew Perry just joined too. By now, it feels like almost everyone has taken the Insta plunge, but there are still some holdouts that have never tried it out. But if you ask me, every celebrity should be on Instagram. Give the people what they want!! Here are the top celebs who, surprisingly, have still not made an account.
1. Meryl Streep
For a long time, it made sense that Meryl Streep wasn’t on Instagram. She’s older, she definitely doesn’t need social media to advance her career, and she just feels too classy for a platform that is rife with memes and dildo ads. But now, more and more legendary A-list actresses, like Julia Roberts, Glenn Close, and Candice Bergen, have joined, so Meryl would fit right in. While we wait patiently for her to make an account, at least we can follow @tasteofstreep, an absolutely delightful account dedicated to Photoshopping photos of Meryl onto photos of food. It’s weird, but it works.
2. Mary-Kate And Ashley
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Fun fact – Ashley used to be a brunette for a short while and looked AH-MAZING!!! When the girls were asked about their worst hair mistake by Allure magazine, Ashley menioned this, saying "It just really wasn't great!" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #marykateolsen #ashleyolsen #olsen #olsentwins #fashion #highfashion #aesthetic #style #streetstyle #elizabethandjames #therow #hairgoals #outfits #bag #twins #mood
It’s been a long time since our favorite twins have actually wanted to be in the spotlight, so it’s not really surprising that they’ve stayed off Instagram. But still, I feel like they should make an account just for the amazing throwback pictures they must have. In general, I just want to know everything about their lives, but that probably won’t ever happen. Mary-Kate and Ashley have numerous great fan accounts, and I guess that will have to do.
3. Kanye West
If Kanye West had Instagram, it would definitely be a mess, and he would probably get a ton backlash for half of the stuff he posted…but that just makes me want it to happen even more. What can I say, I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama. Actually, Kanye has had Instagram before, and it was a wild f*cking ride full of random art and children that are not his own. I’ve never felt more alive then that one year when Kanye was all over Instagram, and I kinda miss it. Except now, his account would probably just be Bible quotes. On second thought, let’s pass.
4. Amy Adams
In a similar vein as Meryl Streep, Amy Adams is a serious actress who has never really dipped her toes into the world of social media, and it makes me sad. Amy is funny, talented, and she must have a ton of famous friends, so the fact that she’s not on Insta just feels like we’re missing out. She’s pretty private, and has said that she doesn’t even think of herself as a celebrity, so I doubt we’ll see her on Instagram soon, but maybe someday.
5. Anna Wintour
Anna Wintour is one of the most influential people in the world, but when it comes to social media, she’s not into it. She’s famously said that she’s never taken a selfie, and I can’t imagine she has any plans to start, but her Instagram would be amazing. She knows basically every celebrity, her travel content would be fire, and can you even imagine the #OOTDs? I’d die.
Images: courteneycoxofficial, tasteofstreep, olsenmoodboard, kimkardashian, itsamyadams, theannawintour / Instagram
You’ve probably heard a lot in the last few weeks and months about the escalating streaming wars, and it’s a lot to keep up with. In addition to the existing major players (Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon), other big companies are jumping into the streaming service game. HBO will launch its expanded HBO Max service next May, Disney+ arrives next week, and NBC also has its own service in the works. And last week, Apple jumped into the original content game with their new streaming service, Apple TV+.
It’s been a week since Apple TV+ launched, and I’ve had time to figure out how it works and what it has to offer, so let’s talk. I’ve gotten a lot of questions about what it is, how it works, and whether it’s any good. Keep reading for everything you need to know about Apple TV+.
How Does It Work?
First, let me address the biggest point of confusion here: Apple TV+ has nothing to do with the little Apple TV box that you hook up to your television. If you have one of those, great, but you can still subscribe to the new service without it. You can watch Apple TV+ on your computer, phone, Roku—whatever you’ve got, you can probably watch Apple TV+.
A membership will set you back $4.99 a month, so like, one coffee. You get one-week free trial, but don’t expect to just binge The Morning Show and cancel without ever getting charged. Most of the shows are being released one episode at a time, so you’ll have to pay for at least two months to get through a whole ten-episode season. Damn it. This is clever on Apple’s part, because they know that people will probably try to cancel this sh*t as soon as possible once they’ve seen the show they bought Apple TV+ to watch. Oh, and if you buy a new Apple device (including an iPhone), you get a year free, so like, score.
What Do You Get?
Before we talk about any of the original shows, there’s one major thing you need to know. Unlike the other major streaming services, Apple TV+ has no library of existing content, for now at least. So like, imagine Netflix, but without Friends, or The Good Place, or any of the existing shows and movies that you binge when you’re hibernating for the winter—it would be like if you paid for Netflix and only got the originals. Apple has invested hundreds of millions of dollars into producing original content, but because they’re not rolling out everything at once, this means that right now there are only a handful of shows on Apple TV+.
There’s no question that the marquee show on Apple’s new service is The Morning Show. Starring Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, and Steve Carell, this is like the Big Little Lies of Apple TV+, and they’ve thrown a lot of advertising behind it. Aside from that, there’s See, starring Jason Momoa, Dickinson, starring Hailee Steinfeld as a young Emily Dickinson, and For All Mankind, a period drama that imagines how the world would be different if the Soviet Union had landed on the moon first. There’s also an Oprah’s Book Club talk show, a documentary about an elephant, and a few shows for kids.
Are The Shows Good?
Okay, so I guess this is the big question. After all this hype, does the content deliver? And really, it’s kind of a mixed bag for now. I haven’t watched everything, but a week has given me enough time to get a feel for what Apple TV+ has to offer.
First, The Morning Show. After seeing the insane cast and the insane level of hype, I’ve gotta be honest, it’s a little bit of a letdown. The show isn’t bad by any means, but based on the cast and the production value, it’s not nearly as good as it should be. The main characters all give lots of spirited monologues about justice, and consequences, and power, but they tend to fall flat. Jennifer Aniston is great in a more dramatic role, but Reese Witherspoon’s tragic brunette wig and southern accent feel a little forced. The show is offering a commentary on the #MeToo movement, but after three episodes, I’m still not sure what it’s trying to say. The second and third episodes are better than the first one, so we’ll see if the season keeps improving.
Moving on, let me just say that I f*cking love Dickinson. It’s a historical comedy centered on Hailee Steinfeld as an angsty Emily Dickinson, whose parents don’t want her to be a poet. With modern dialogue, music, and humor, the tone of the show is fresh and hilarious, and I’m very into it. If you need some hints about the vibe, Wiz Khalifa makes a cameo in the first episode, and there’s a Lizzo song in episode two. Yeah, it’s fun.
I haven’t had a chance to check out Jason Momoa’s See yet, but with a 39% on Rotten Tomatoes, my expectations are staying low. I have, however, started watching For All Mankind, and the historical twist on the Space Race is an interesting concept that critics have really been liking. I’ve only seen one episode, but I’m definitely going to keep watching to see what happens in this alternate timeline.
Is It Worth It?
Look, Apple TV+ is brand new, and it’s definitely still a work in progress. Right now, the content offerings are pretty limited, and depending on what you’re into, you might not love any of these shows. But Apple knows this, and in addition to two more shows debuting in the next few weeks, they have over 20 titles currently in development. Building a network of content from the ground up is an ambitious project, so Apple is off to a pretty solid start.
To me, the biggest selling point of Apple TV+ is the low price point. Without the benefit of a large content library, Apple knows they can’t charge the same price as Hulu or Netflix, so they were smart to slide in just under $5 a month. I’m not going to pretend I’m great with money, and there’s approximately zero chance that I’ll notice this money coming out of my bank account every month. I should note that your account is automatically tied to your Apple ID, so it’s not really practical to share a membership with your roommates/ex/friend’s mom’s sister. Tragic, but at least it’s cheap.
I’m not going to say that Apple TV+ is perfect, but it’s really not bad, either. Even Netflix’s original offerings vary wildly in quality, so it’s not really fair to expect perfection from Apple. For the price, it’s probably worth signing up for, even if you only really want to watch The Morning Show. You can cancel any time if you’re not feeling it, and like I said, you probably won’t even notice that you’re paying for it. Personally, I’m going to keep my subscription, because let’s be honest, I don’t want to miss out on anything.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (3)
In preparation for its upcoming 25th anniversary, I have seen no less than 37 articles (the same article 37 times, really—same content, same gifs) that attempt to destroy America’s sweetheart TV show, Friends. Here’s the thing: it was the 90s. It is true that a lot of the jokes on Friends don’t hold up in 2019. But you can say that about any show 30 years later, and I think even with its problems, Friends is still super relatable. Like, I can’t wait to see how well 13 Reasons Why goes over in 30 years. Or Jersey Shore. For all that Friends has given us, it’s just not that controversial. It’s super weird to me that people think it is. Hey guys, maybe we should be reading the Betches Sup instead and focusing on actual problems, what do you think? Even with a few misplaced or not exactly nice jokes, Friends is still one of the best shows of our time and laid the groundwork for basically every twentysomething sitcom after it. In honor of Friends‘ 25th anniversary, I have broken down their most controversial-in-2019 storylines and why they’re really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
High School Monica
This is by far the most upsetting Friends storyline to people in 2019. High School Monica was dorky, frumpy, and they call her fat, but she was actually not even plus-size. Yes, it was Courteney Cox in a fat suit, but they couldn’t even find one above a size 10, which is pretty nuts when you consider this entire recurring joke essentially amounts to “lol Monica was fat!” That is bad and not funny, because being plus-size should not be worthy of derision. But fat-shaming aside, I actually love High School Monica and all the high school flashbacks. The jokes about high school Monica weren’t only about her weight—she was a total loser and embarrassment irrespective of her weight, and that was the joke. She called her virginity her “flower” (and Rachel was right—if you call it that, NO ONE will want to take it!). Everyone had a dorky period growing up, so I still find this funny and relatable.
That said, her weight should not have factored into this characterization at all. I am totally against body-shaming and the fat jokes don’t hold up well. It’s sh*t like this that caused our Photoshop/Facetune epidemic all over Instagram. But really, women have also been called fat their entire lives regardless of size, so this to me is relatable too. I was called fat in the 8th grade—I was 5’8 and weighed 105 lbs. What girl wasn’t called fat at some point by a pimply boy with braces who was a foot shorter than her? Is this really the worst of all insults? I get called a bitch on the daily and I don’t even notice anymore. Point being, high school Monica is still funny, even though the fat jokes are not. Also? They equally make fun of Rachel’s real nose, and I have yet to see any anti-nose-shaming articles. Being dorky and being made fun of for your teenage appearance is just part of growing up (unfortunately).
The Male Nanny
Ross is the worst. Everyone knows he’s the worst. So when he met male nanny Sandy, he acted very in character, i.e., the worst. He assumed Sandy was gay (because… only gay men like babies, I guess?), and was irrationally angered by Sandy’s sensitivity. Yes, these things are totally offensive and the poster for Toxic Masculinity. We agree on that for sure. But here’s the thing: so did the rest of the characters. Everyone else loved Sandy and told Ross he was a dipsh*t he was for being so toxic and insecure. Unfortunately for Men, as a brand, this is how A LOT of men act, especially 20 years ago! I don’t blame Friends for accurately depicting toxic men, I blame the men who behave this way to begin with. I actually think it’s badass that Friends showed it and publicly said, “hey, this is not okay behavior. Don’t be a Ross.”
Ross strikes again in the Barbie/GI Joe feud. Ross, POS father, King of Toxic Masculinity, basically throws a tantrum because his son wants to play with Barbies. People are offended that Friends showed this, but to me, this was exactly my dad, and many, many men of this generation. And I’m sure many men even in 2019. My dad was super offended by my mom buying me and my brother the same toys. He really got pissed when he came home to find my brother in a dress, my mom’s heels, clip-on earrings and us calling him Emily. But like, why? They showed this very relatable issue accurately on Friends and everyone told Ross he was being a complete idiot about it. I wonder how many toxic men watched it and realized how stupid they were being? I think it’s awesome that this was talked about, and again, Ross was called out for his backwards beliefs.
Ross In General
I’m realizing this should mostly be an article about how Ross is the worst, but here we are. Ross was the poster child for toxic masculinity and almost everything he did was offensive. Aside from the aforementioned nanny and Barbie issues, he also was sexist, shallow (Rachel DOES NOT have chubby ankles), super insecure (Mark), a cheater (A BREAK IS NOT A BREAKUP), controlling, paranoid, tried to f*ck his cousin (wait, what?), etc. etc. etc. Anyone who stans Ross has serious issues. However, while we can all agree his behavior was often terrible, it was just as equally called out. I’m not sure what show these other people are watching, but Ross gets away with none of this sh*tty behavior. Ross is essentially the Every Man Douchebag and they (Bethenny Frankel voice) MENTION IT ALL.
Yes, cornrows and braids are totally cultural appropriation. Yes, this is bad. I’m with you on this. But unlike every Kardashian, Monica doesn’t just go around wearing her hair like this on the reg. This happened when they went to Barbados (I think?) and Monica’s hair went crazy in the humidity. So essentially, this is every white girl who went on vacation in the 90s/2000s and got her hair braided on the beach along with a henna tattoo. This was what everyone did then. The trend is offensive for sure, but Friends hardly invented it. This was before white people gave a sh*t about cultural appropriation or even discussed it. Rather than canceling a whole show over one hairstyle, maybe we should be grateful we’ve moved into a better time where we do recognize this is not a good look. But yes, we can cancel this one episode.
Rachel Getting Off The Plane
We’ve discussed that Ross is the worst, but one of the worst things is that in spite of his issues, Rachel (SPOILERS AHEAD—I mean, the show came out 25 years ago, but okay, I’ll still warn you) still abandons her dream job in Paris to stay with him. I’m still mad about this, btw. I don’t think Ross and Rachel should have ended up together. But again, this is relatable. How many weddings have you been to where your amazing friend is marrying a repulsive, fratty, POS douchebag who makes her cry every time you go out? But at the wedding she’s like, “we’re best friends, he’s going to be a great father”, and you’re like, “Huh, that’s weird Karen, because last weekend you couldn’t stop crying because you found cocaine in his pants pocket again.” Sometimes our friends end up with douches. It blows, but it’s a fact of life.
After 25 years, Friends is still one of the most relatable shows ever. They covered a lot of issues that were common both then and now. To be honest, I think a TV show where every character was nice, polite, PC, and always said the right thing would be boring af. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
Are these the worst incidences of Friends? What other ones do you think didn’t hold up well? Do you find Friends insanely offensive?
Images: Giphy (6)
No one wants to look old. That’s just the way it is. Every year, we spend billions of dollars on serums and SPFs and masks that are all designed to hold off the fact that we’re all getting a little bit closer to death. Sorry if that was dramatic, but it’s the truth. Whether you’re a botox aficionado or just obsessed with skincare, we all just want to age gracefully.
But somehow, there are certain celebrities who don’t age gracefully. Instead, they seem not to age at all. While I’m sure this has something to do with being able to afford the best treatments, procedures, and products on the market, there’s no substitute for good genes. I don’t know what secrets these stars have up their sleeves, but they all look freakishly good for their age (or any age).
Reese Witherspoon is 43 years old, but she still looks the exact same as she did when she played Elle Woods for the first time. That was 18 years ago, in case you don’t feel old already. This photo of Reese was taken two nights ago at the season 2 premiere of Big Little Lies, and I’m personally offended at how radiant her skin looks. She also has an amazing style that’s classy and sophisticated, but never makes her seem older than she is. I want Reese to be my mom, but she looks more like my older sister if we’re being honest.
Talking about Jennifer Lopez looking amazing is nothing new, but I’m still shocked every time I see a photo of her. Her killer body is thanks to a killer workout, but her face is just as flawless. My skin hasn’t looked that good since I was nine years old. I truly would not believe that she was 49 years old, but she’s been famous since before I was born. At this rate, she’ll probably look this good after I’m dead, too.
In the past, I’ve definitely been guilty of sleeping on Gabrielle Union, and shame on me for that. Gabrielle is hilarious, talented, and absolutely STUNNING. She posted the above photo a few days ago, while on vacation in Greece with her hubby Dwyane Wade. As evidenced in the caption, she is 46 YEARS OLD. Is she a witch? Did she make a deal with the devil? There is simply no other explanation. Gab just had her first child (god bless shady baby) last fall, but she’s still going to be the hottest mom at daycare.
how the fuck is paul rudd 50????? what kind of water is this guy drinking?????♀️ pic.twitter.com/cceituhtDN
— gabrielle (@billionstark) May 31, 2019
I wasn’t initially going to include any men on this list, but then I remembered that Paul Rudd TURNED 50 LAST MONTH. I don’t understand this, because he still looks exactly like he did in Clueless, which was basically a quarter of a century ago. It’s just not fair. On his birthday in April, everyone pointed out that this is what happens when you’re charming and unproblematic, which is true. Find me anyone who doesn’t love Paul Rudd, and I’ll tell them why they’re wrong.
As a model, it’s obviously part of the job description to be ridiculously attractive, but most models are out of the game before they turn 30. Naomi, however, just turned 49, and is still killing the game. She looked absolutely stunning at this year’s Met Gala, and she also closed Valentino’s most recent haute couture show. I would let her throw a cell phone at me literally any day of the week.
jennifer aniston is 50… IM pic.twitter.com/n4MaMsTSpM
— julia ? (@queerdeliagoode) May 30, 2019
I guess starring in one of the most successful TV shows of all time clears your skin right up. Jen turned 50 in February of this year, but her face is still frozen somewhere in the mid-90s. Minus the haircut, thankfully. Now all she needs to do is get back with Brad Pitt and it will really feel like we’ve all gone back in time.
See that woman in the photo? Yeah, she’s 60. I’m super happy for all these stars looking ageless well into their 40s, but Angela Bassett really takes it to the next level. She’s basically looked the same since the 1970s. She played a Voodoo priestess on one season of American Horror Story, so she must have put a spell on herself to never get a day older. It’s working.
Who’s your favorite ageless celebrity? Do you have any secrets to keep your skin looking fresh? What am I doing wrong? Bueller?
Images: Shutterstock; reesewitherspoon, jlo, gabunion, Naomi, im.angelabassett / Instagram; billionstark, queerdeliagoode / Twitter
We all have that crew of friends that we would do anything for, whether it’s driving them to the airport at 6am or finding matches for them on Ship. It’s just what friends do. Famous people are no different, except that the people in their group chat might also be A-listers. Casual. I don’t know about you, but my Ship crew definitely doesn’t have any Oscar winners in it. Here are some surprising celebrity friendships you might not have known about.
Serena Williams & Kim Kardashian
Serena Williams and Kim Kardashian are two of the most famous women in the world, and they’ve actually known each other for more than 15 years. A few years ago, Kim told Vogue, “Serena’s the girl you can call and say anything to. She’ll never judge you, and she’s never too busy for you.” Obviously Kim has a lot of respect for Serena, and she attended the tennis champion’s New Orleans wedding with other stars like Colton Haynes and Eva Longoria.
Russell Brand & Helen Mirren
Russell Brand and Helen Mirren are 30 years apart, but they both have a great sense of humor, and they love working together. They’ve done a couple of movies together, and Brand even called their relationship“an unconsummated love affair…between a Dame and a vagabond.” I’m not sure I know what he’s talking about, but I’m glad it works for them.
Jennifer Aniston & Robert Downey Jr.
Jen and Robert have been friends since the ‘90s, and she even visited him when he was in prison. Famously, he introduced her to her (now ex) husband Justin Theroux, and made a speech at their wedding. Seriously, how can I get Robert Downey Jr. to be in my Ship crew? I need Iron Man to find me some matches.
50 Cent & Bette Midler
When 50 Cent isn’t busy feuding with the stars of Vanderpump Rules, he spends time with unexpected friends like Meryl Streep and Bette Midler. He and Bette have attended each other’s charity events in the past, and Bette even joked that 50 Cent was going to produce a rap albumfor her. Still waiting to hear Bette Midler rap, but I’m glad these two get along so well.
Gwyneth Paltrow & Jay-Z
Gwyneth and Jay met way back in 2006, and they’ve maintained a close relationship since then. They’ve both spoken publicly about their admiration for one another, and Gwyneth even revealedthat her kids call Jay-Z “Uncle Jay.” Honestly, I’m obsessed.
Kris Jenner & Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence has been public about her obsession with reality shows like The Real Housewives of New York City and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so she was thrilled to get to know Kris Jenner in real life. A few years ago, Jennifer’s friends threw her a surprise birthday party and invited Kris. When JLaw first met her, she said“it was the closest ever come to losing consciousness. Honestly, I would be the same way.
So there you have it. Just like you and your best friend that you used to hate in middle school, friends can come from unexpected places. Now you’re her bridesmaid, and she’s finding matches for you on Ship, so anything is possible. Now seriously, who do I talk to about Robert Downey Jr. being my matchmaker?
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)