The other day I was chatting away with some guy named Chase on Hinge (is anyone ugly ever named Chase? The answer is no), when we get on the subject of our fav childhood toys. Mine were obviously American Girl Dolls, no questions asked. Yes, my mom made me buy the ratchet non-AG brand clothes sometimes, but simply owning an American Girl Doll was the ultimate 90s girl status symbol.
That got me thinking about the fact that my poor AG dolls never had one good love interest. (Felicity’s horse Penny does not count, although I’m sure horse girls would disagree.) So, I decided to assemble Hinge profiles for my favs, since even Revolutionary War-era plastic people deserve true love.
Any guy that goes out with Felicity must know two things: one, she’s one of those girls who thinks you don’t need alcohol to have fun (she even got Jiggy Nye to stop drinking, LAME), and two, she’s obsessed with horses. So, actually, no one should go out with Felicity. She’s boring AF. Hinge guys, save yourselves.
There’s definitely a guy out there for Molly, and his name is probably Eugene. I’m guessing they’d do something like go to a nature museum or study the vegetables in Molly’s Victory Garden, because that’s the type of activity she’s into. As a side note, who wears pigtails over the age of six?
Hinge guys are known to use the info on your profile to plan clutch dates… so it’s pretty obvious Josephina will be courted by numerous suitors attempting to take her for Tex-Mex. Let’s just hope the restaurant isn’t air conditioned, because that peasant blouse doesn’t look very warm. #NotPractical.
Kirsten was my favorite doll, mainly because she looks like me. Since she’s so down-to-earth (I mean duh, she lives on the prairie), it’s a safe bet that she’d be cool with drinks at a
dive bar dive log cabin.
Let’s be real, Samantha is high-maintenance AF. She would definitely require any Hinge guy take her to an expensive cocktail bar, where she’d order four $20 cocktails and not offer to pay. Seriously, such a betch, but at least she looks good. I mean, who wears a hat on a date?
Images: kawaii_cupcakes / Flickr; Hinge (6)
So I want to start out by saying that every American Girl Doll is at least a little bit betchy because they are expensive as fuck and don’t do anything. They come with tons of accessories, which are also extremely expensive and if you want to take your narcissism to a whole other level, you can shell out even more money and get one that looks exactly like you. Then you can buy matching outfits for it and sleep with it in the same room as you and talk to it and love it and tell it your secrets until the doll gets more and more powerful and suddenly you’re the doll and she’s the human. Or something like that. IDK because my mom would never buy me a lookalike doll and now she and I don’t speak.
Anyway, here’s the definitive ranking of the AG’s betchiness. Feel free to tear me apart in the comments. If you disagree, remember: this is a satirical article about a line of historical children’s toys. Fucking chill.
1. Samantha Parkington (Turn of the Century Betch)
Sam is undoubtedly the betchiest of all the American girl dolls for a variety of reasons. Number one being that when Sam was a baby her rich as fuck parents died and now she lives with her betchy grandma, who she calls “Grandmary” which is hands down the whitest shit I’ve heard in my life. Sam also rocks a black-and-white checkered dress and matching black-and-white velvet bow, which is very chic for a 9-year-old girl. Samantha also has a servant/friend named Nellie who you can buy as an accessory to Samantha if you want your doll to have a servant (or friend, I guess). It takes a while for Sam to realize that Nellie is poor and that’s why she’s so annoying. Sam eventually pulls a Cher Horowitz and gets all charitable and gives Nellie a doll from her collection and Nellie promptly shuts the fuck up. And finally, betchiest of all, Samantha comes with an all black outfit…
…and an outfit specifically for catching butterflies…
…and this was her bedroom…case closed.
2. Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American Betch)
Josefina is fly as fuck. Just look at her. Her look is on point. She’s tan, has great hair, and knows how to accessorize. Also she’s from out west so you know she’s chill as hell and probably smokes. According to the American Girl wiki (my number one source for this article), one of Josefina’s major dislikes is “goats,” which isn’t something we’ve talked about on this site but is probably true for all betches. Josefina lives with her dad and three sisters, so she’s well versed in the art of asking your dad for everything and borrowing clothes without asking. Also, Josefina’s hoop earrings are non-removable which is a pretty good way to say “hoop earrings are my thing and you can’t wear them, Gretchen.”
3. Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)
Kit Kittredge hands down has the betchiest name of all the American Girl Dolls. Kit’s real name is “Margaret Mildred Kittredge” but since that name sucks ass, our girl Kit opted for the Kardashian double K and was better off for it. Kit is mainly number three on the list because she’s so fucking cute. Look at her bob and that little barrette. It’s the damn depression and she still looks fucking good. Very betchy. Good for you, Kit.
4. Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)
So there’s no denying that Addy Walker is the baddest betch of the bunch considering she straight-up escaped slavery and she’s nine fucking years old. Despite having to teach herself to read and shit, Addy scores a job at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop, aka a clutch fashion internship. Addy also has a straight-up rivalry with some THOT named Harriet Davis, which is very betchy. However, Addy hates Harriet because Harriet is richer than her, and for that reason Addy is fourth and needs to chill. It’s not Harriet’s fault she’s rich.
5. Kirsten Larson (Pioneer Betch)
Kirsten Larson probably has the betchiest hairstyle of all the OG betches given that she usually sports a complicated series of braid crowns. She’s also foreign, which is mysterious and very betchy. That being said, Kirsten looks wack as fuck in her Christmas ensemble and has a dopey fucking look on her face. She also works very hard, which is not cute. In the end, Kristen is a little midwestern nice girl who like, enjoys farmwork.
6. Caroline Abbott (War of 1812 Betch)
Caroline Abbott looks the part of a betch despite being born in a log cabin, which is pretty impressive. Caroline isn’t an OG American girl, so I had to look up her story and apparently she’s also an only child and gets super jealous when her shit-eating cousin Lydia comes to stay. Caroline starts to get FOMO hard and thinks that Lydia and everyone else are hanging out without her, which is a pretty clear sign that Caroline has some insecurity issues considering her house has one fucking room in it. Jealousy isn’t cute, Caroline. Enjoy sixth place.
7. Kaya’aton’my (Native American Betch)
Kaya’s main plot point is that everyone gives her the nickname “Magpie” and she hates it. Betches don’t get nicknames, they give them. Have fun in seventh place, Magpie.
8. Felicity Merrimen (Revolutionary War Betch)
The betchiest thing about Felicity is that she owns a horse. At one point in her book series, Felicity gets into some shit with an old-ass drunk man named Jiggy Nye (which, incidentally, is my rap name) and teaches him to stop drinking, which was probably good for him but also very lame. Felicity is not higher on the list because she’s super into being a “tomboy” and would probably say shit like “I just get along with guys better than girls” and we’d all hate her.
9. Rebecca Rubin (Pre-WWI Betch)
Here’s what I’ve gathered about Rebecca: She is an aspiring child actress/theater nerd/Anne Hathaway from 1914 and honestly I’ve never fucking heard of her. Rebecca wears a fairly betchy outfit, but also like I said, I’ve never fucking heard of her and she reminds me of Anne Hathaway so bye bye Becky you’re number nine.
10. Molly McIntyre
Good god get this bitch outta here. Molly is a narc. Don’t believe me? Look at her. That is what a fucking narc looks like. Still not convinced? What the shit is this? You’re an OG American Girl, have some fucking respect for yourself.
11. Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)
Okay so first of all any American Girl doll that is like, the same age as my mom does not fucking count. You were born in 1966. You are literally still alive. Secondly, your outfit game is weak. You’re supposed to be a flower child and you would be laughed out of Coachella:
12. Maryellen Larkin (Cold War Betch)
Same shit goes for you, Maryellen. You’re the same age as my aunt and you look like a dud. You are like what Reese Witherspoon was working to stop in the movie Pleasantville. Take that shit elsewhere.
13. Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner (Antebellum Betches)
Damn ladies, too boring for your own story? I guess so, because there are two of you and you’re in last fucking place. I guess the point of these two was to show that a white girl and a black girl living in NOLA can chill together if they want, which is a cool message. Too bad that is overshadowed by the fact that Marie-Grace’s face is straight-up busted.
Seriously, I did not know that an American girl could be so damn fugly. What is going on here? Cécile, honey, this bitch is bringing you down. On your own you could have been maybe number five! You’re cute! But your friend is a total Monet, so enjoy sharing the last slot.