All queer sex should go as such: you begin by making out for two minutes before one partner inevitably starts to go down on the other’s perfectly tight, fully waxed, unblemished vagina. At one point, both of you end up perpendicular in a perfect scissoring position where your vaginas magically align with one another’s with no awkwardness or re-adjusting. And after 10 minutes of bumping, grinding, licking, fingering, and kissing, the whole encounter is over after you’ve both achieved blissful orgasm at, get this, the exact same time. Right?
At the very least, that’s what mainstream porn wants you to believe queer sex is like. As someone whose first queer sexual experience involved a lot of communication, re-adjusting, awkward laughs, and absolutely zero scissoring (not to mention lasted way longer than 10 minutes), I’m here to tell you that your first rodeo most likely won’t look like all the bad lesbian porn you’ve watched.
“Watching porn and assuming that’s what sex between two people who aren’t being filmed looks like is like watching Grey’s Anatomy and assuming that now you know how to perform an appendectomy,” says Gabrielle Kassel, a queer sex educator and co-host of queer sex education podcast Bad in Bed.
Apart from being a performance of pleasure rather than a true example of authentic, pleasurable sex when cameras aren’t rolling, mainstream queer porn often follows a heteronormative formula that is the literal antithesis of queer sex, says queer sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova. Queer sex is so much more than just oral, fingering, and scissoring and may not even include these sex acts at all. The general definition of being queer is not relating to traditional ideas of gender and sexuality. So it’s oxymoronic to think that queer sex needs to look a certain way. Are you queer? Are you having sex? Ta-da! You’re having queer sex.
If you’re new to queer sex and have no idea what you’re doing because mainstream porn has rotted your brain, I spoke to certified sex educators Frye-Nekrasova and Kassel about some beginner tips and sex positions queer people actually do and enjoy.
Tips For Your First Queer Sexual Experience
Tips for Fingering
Being fingered by long fingernails is uncomfortable AF. So before dipping your fingers into their vagina, you’ll want to make sure those tips are short and clean. It’s important to groom and clean your fingernails beforehand as things like hangnails and dirt can introduce micro cuts or bacteria to the genitals, says Kassel. Also, skip the hand cream, as fragranced lotions can irritate the skin.
And while porn might make it seem like jackhammering a dry vagina is super sexy and moan-inducing (seriously, what happened to the art of foreplay?), maybe tease them a bit before diving fingers first. Frye-Nekrasova recommends starting by massaging the clit and vulva to get your partner warmed up.
Tips for Oral Sex
When it comes to oral, it’s all about going nice and slow. Take your definition of “slow” and slow it down three times more. Now you’ve got the perfect pacing to start your cunnilingus relay.
Before getting to the actual vulva, build anticipation by using your mouth on different erogenous zones like the inner thighs, the pubic mound, and the outer labia, Kassel recommends. And then before going right to sucking the clit or quickly licking the vulva like you’re trying to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, simply “press your tongue against the area and do long, slow licks up and down the length of the region,” Kassel adds. This move will have your partner begging for your touch instead of wanting the whole thing to end.
Tips for Strap-On Sex
If this is where you want to start with your queer sex journey (kudos to you), the first thing you’ll want to do is try on the harness and dildo beforehand. “The last thing you want is to be fumbling around for 20 minutes trying to get a strap-on harness on during actual sex,” says Frye-Nekrasova. Talk about a mood killer.
You might also consider taking a workshop at your local sex store to learn some techniques and understand how to move your body as it’s not that self-explanatory, especially when the strap-on is not physically attached to you like an appendage, so you can’t feel what you’re doing, adds Frye-Nekrasova.
Lastly, be sure to bring various insertable toys in different sizes, as everyone has different preferences, says Frye-Nekrasova. Better yet, go shopping with your partner and pick out a dildo together. Cute!
Tips for Adding Sex Toys
It’s pretty common knowledge that when it comes to queer sex, often toys are involved. But you never want to show up to a hookup with a dildo or a Magic Wand out of the blue without having a conversation first. Maybe they prefer the gentle buzz of a bullet vibe instead of the powerful rumble of a wand vibrator. Perhaps vibration isn’t for you at all, but the air pulse of a Womanizer really gets you going. When experimenting with sex toys, it’s essential to try out different kinds to figure out which sensations do it for you, says Frye-Nekrasova.
In general, smaller, handheld toys like a bullet or finger vibe are preferred during partnered play as they allow for a greater range of motion and are easy to hold without getting in the way, notes Frye-Nekrasova. For added safety, each partner should have their own set of toys. If you do decide to share, Frye-Nekrasova recommends having an extra layer of protection between you, like underwear or a condom.
Queer Sex Positions That Aren’t Just Scissoring*
*although scissoring can feel fantastic!
Rider-On-Top
This position, where one partner is lying down and the other is straddling them on top, is great for grinding or thigh humping, also known as tribbing. Have the partner on top use their thigh or the upper portion of their leg to supply pressure to the bottom partner’s genitals, says Kassel. At the same time, the bottom partner might grind up against the top partner’s leg to stimulate those nerve endings around the vulva and clit.
This position works well for incorporating a wand vibrator, and if you want to have penetrative play, there are thigh strap-ons that you can wear and still be able to make out and have that intimacy, says Frye-Nekrasova.
Reversed Face Sitting
Also known as 69ing, reversed face sitting allows the person riding to receive oral easily. The person at the bottom can either entirely focus on getting their partner off or can enjoy some mutual stimulation by having the top partner lean down and use their mouth to stimulate their genitals or slightly hinge their hips forward to finger them, explains Kassel. It’s a classic for a reason!
Classic Oral
When you think of lesbian oral sex, this position probably comes to mind. One person is laid down on their back, while the other person is kneeling by their open legs, fully going to town on their partner’s vulva, while their partner is in pleasurable bliss.
This move allows for eye contact and connection, says Frye-Nekrasova, which is especially important in queer relationships, where the emphasis is on being seen and seeing the other person as their full, queer self.
Spooning
Lying in a spooning position lets the big spoon play with the little spoon’s clitoris and breasts and even use a vibrator on them. Spooning is ideal if you have a larger body, as sometimes positions like missionary are not the most comfortable because your partner may be lying on your belly, says Frye-Nekrasova.
The Lap Dance
In this position, one partner is seated on a chair or the edge of a bed, while the other partner is sitting on their lap with their back to the seated partner’s chest as if they were about to give them a lap dance. This position allows the seated partner to have full access to the other person’s vulva for fingering while also being able to nibble on their ear and neck, says Frye-Nekrasova.
Strap-On Missionary
Oh, the classic missionary. You can never go wrong with it.
“I really like missionary for strap-on sex, especially if it’s your first time,” says Kassel. “It allows for eye contact, which means that the person doing the penetrating can see the facial expressions of their partner, and that gives them more information as to what their partner is experiencing.” There can also be a gender euphoria to strapping on for queer people who might experience gender dysphoria, Kassel adds.
Strap-on sex is also great for applying pressure against the internal hotspots, like the G-spot and A-spot, or cervix, for the penetrated partner. And for the penetrating partner, not only can they get off from making their partner moan with pleasure, but often “dildos have a base that will press against the pubic mound of the strapped person, which can feel really good and, in some cases, even lead to orgasm,” says Kassel.
