If there’s one thing parents love more than complaining about how hard it is to pick a baby name, it’s picking one that makes everyone else in the family go, “Wait, what?” And in the latest chapter of WTF Is This Baby Name Trend, we have the “My Best Friend’s Dad” phenomenon. Yes, you heard that right — parents are now naming their baby girls after dudes named Chuck, Scott, or Mark, who probably wore white New Balances to your childhood soccer games.
The trend was recently spotlighted in an article by Today, and it’s about as wild as it sounds. Basically, traditional dad names are being slapped onto baby girls with reckless abandon. Think Scottie, James, or Tommy — names typically reserved for the middle-aged man grilling hot dogs at the block party, usually with an -ie or -y tacked on to feel more ~feminine.~
According to the article, this viral naming sensation is a nod to breaking gender norms, but also, like…is it? As someone who is actively pregnant and trying to think of baby girl names, I’m just kinda wondering if this is what happens when people run out of floral, gemstone, and old-money-inspired ideas. While, sure, we don’t want a million Sophias, Lilies, or Noras running around, does that mean we’re stuck scouring our dads’ corporate directories for inspiration?
Granted, I’m all for naming your kid whatever TF you want (as long as it’s not, like, “Butthole” or a cardinal direction), but let’s take a sec to reallyyyyy think about these suburban dad names before you slap one onto your unsuspecting infant. While I can’t stop the inevitable wave of little girls named “Terry” in your kid’s 2042 graduating class, the least I can do is highlight which names from the article are cute and which ones should be reserved for dudes with bald patches and beer bellies.
Suburban Dad Names for Baby Girls (And What They’ll Say About Your Daughter…)
Scottie
While “Scott” is the guy in finance who always pressures everyone to go to happy hour, naming your daughter “Scottie” means she’ll be the one who convinces the whole class to rebel against assigned seating and shops exclusively at thrift stores for the bragging rights, not the ethics.
Girl Name Score: 5/10
Tommie
Tom is about as dad as a name can get, and not-so-surprisingly, when you add the much-needed “-mmie” to the end, you get a girl name that‘s both boring and basic. Always the leader in group projects, but not in a good way — Tommie will make PowerPoint slides with way too many transitions and refer to her dog as her “son.”
Girl Name Score: 2/10
Markie
Mark is my dad’s handyman — the guy with a Boston accent who only talks about the Patriots. You want that for your daughter? Fine, but she’ll grow up to be the loudest kid on the soccer field, even when she’s on the bench, and will claim to hate drama even though she’s the one who always starts it.
Girl Name Score: 3/10
Mickey
Okay, yes, this one is solid for a girl, ONLY because of Bring It On. Granted, she’s going to be fucking trouble and will make your life a living hell, but odds are she’ll marry rich and pay for a bougie nursing home for you when you’re decrepit, so it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Girl Name Score: 6/10
Billie
There’s a 100% chance she’ll have a streak of blue in her hair and a cigarette tucked behind her ear at all times. She’ll tell everyone she was named after her great-grandpa, but we all know the inspo actually came from Billie Eilish.
Girl Name Score: 7/10
Chuck
Reserved for the Bass family and the Bass family only.
Girl Name Score: 1/10
Drew
Drew is a dude who rows crew, but she’s also the girl who manages to make tangled hair and old sweatshirts look chic. Naturally, she’ll tell everyone she’s “one of the guys” despite her contour game being better than yours ever was, but hey, at least she’s getting the attention she deserves.
Girl Name Score: 8/10
Noah
Hard stop. Noah? Why? Why do this to your child? Noah is reserved for hot guys who write letters to rich girls and make us all fantasize about being groped in the rain. Don’t turn the name into something it’s not.
Girl Name Score: 2/10
Dylan
I know, I know — likely named after the musical Bob. While it’s a pretty basic boy name (and ensures your son a career at Enterprise-Rent-A-Car), it’s actually kind of cute for a girl if you envision your daughter being an indie concert fiend who drops out of college to become a(n admittedly very successful) tattoo artist.
Girl Name Score: 6/10
James
Everyone knows a James, but does everyone know a *girl* James? It honestly gives power cunt vibes, which isn’t the worst way to set your daughter up for success. It’s not exactly ~adorable,~ but it will prepare your daughter for a life of being comfortable in suits and speaking up in business meetings.
Girl Name Score: 7/10
Jimmie (Jimi)
Sure, Jim/Jimmy is technically a nickname for James, but since both were mentioned in the article, we’re rolling with it. While James gives me an air of bad bitch, Jimmie/Jimi feels a little more “hot girl who works in a small town garage who doesn’t understand her full potential.” Will your daughter, Jimi, be successful? Maybe. But with a name like that, you’re not really getting things off to a great start.
Girl Name Score: 3/10
Richard
Not to be a dick (see what I did there?), but do you hate your daughter or…?
Girl Name Score: 0/10
