Self-help discourse is up in 2025 (a recession indicator if I ever saw one), and TikTok will obviously not miss out on the hype. Mel Robbins’ latest book, The Let Them Theory, has been making the rounds on the clock app since the summer of 2024, with creators big and small pledging their allegiance to Mel’s MO. Let it be known when an interesting woman speaks, I like to listen, even if I don’t think her opinion is going to be my cup of tea. But at first, this viral theory struck me as low-key gospel, too. Mel’s advice (to let people show you who they are without trying to change them) reminded me of the internet’s “leave quietly” discourse (instead of raising hell or demanding justice when someone wrongs you, take your things and go without looking back). But the Scorpio in me couldn’t stop thinking about those times when being the bigger person has only benefitted the villains in my story. There’s a downside to Mel Robbins’ “let them” theory, and I want to yap about it!
What Is The “Let Them” Theory?
@abbysmalberg we love you @Mel Robbins @Hugo Miller ♬ original sound – Abby Smalberg
As Mel explains in her book, to “let them” means to allow the negative behavior someone is displaying to unfold, whether that be excluding you from the brunch invite list, committing exclusivity in dating, or showing up for you in general. Instead of confronting them into changing, Mel advises that your energy is better spent adjusting your expectations and deciding how you want to move forward instead of expecting a change on their end. While Mel popularized the thesis with her book, she didn’t invent the “Let Them” theory. She came across it on her podcast in 2023.
Hot Take: You Can Let Them Have It After You “Let Them”
If they want to leave, deceive, or let you down, the “Let Them” theory advocates for letting them do what their heart desires without standing in their way. But is it really fair to either party to refuse to advocate for yourself without exception?
Mel’s first example (“If they want to leave, let them”) feels like a no-brainer because life is too short to beg someone to stay when someone else will love you without trying. Trying to change someone’s natural feelings, especially if they don’t want to change on their own, is an uphill battle that 9/10 will end in disappointment, even if they want to be different solely to make you happy.
But that doesn’t mean every scenario isn’t worthy of at least offering the person a chance to address how they majorly fucked up. For example, her third item (“If they don’t support you… let them”) might not be so cut and dry. Maybe your mom (the same one who always went to your dance recitals as a kid) doesn’t realize that speaking at a work conference is the grown-up version of getting a dance solo in Corporate America, even though you’ve mentioned it in passing a few times. TBH, I believe allowing a loved one to show up for you, even if they’ve missed the mark before, is necessary because needs can get lost in translation.
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I love that “let them” intends to free overthinkers from internalizing the actions of others, but as a secretly sensitive ruminator, getting things off my chest keeps me sane!! I’m not going to beg to be invited to brunch, but you better believe if I see my mutual’s IG Story and I’m not there, I’m going to ask a few questions to get to the bottom of why. Certain standards shouldn’t have to be taught, but life is messier than black and white. If someone is willing to learn, sometimes it’s okay to let them try without instantly defaulting to their volunteer tutor.
Repeated and/or record-breaking disrespect is another reason I can’t just let them. Mel advises that after you’re shown someone’s true colors, “YOU can choose what you do next.” And if I choose to cuss them out to hell and back next, I’m wrong??? Sure, I comprehend saving your energy on a theoretical level, but IRL, I’m happy to allot a few calories toward putting someone in their place with Olympic excellence. Sure, it might not change what happened, but A.) it is going to make me feel better (which is priceless, even temporarily), and B.) reading them to filth may just be the push they need to be better for the next relationship.
Even if it doesn’t move the needle a single degree, some people need to hear about themselves for the sake of the greater good. I’ll let them show their ass, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to hand it back to them afterward.
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