Do Your In-Laws Not-So-Secretly Hate You? How To Survive The Holidays Together

If you grew up watching The Family Stone [🙋🏼‍♀️], then your biggest holiday fear is likely pulling a Meredith Morton and not vibing with your partner’s family. Sure, you know better than to wear heels when everyone’s in socks, you’d never ask your boyfriend’s sister to sleep on the couch in a full house so you can pretend you’re still a virgin, and you’d for sure know about your boyfriend’s mushroom allergy before almost poisoning him with your Christmas strata. But there’s always the sinking suspicion that the family of the person you love might not love you back.

And yes, there are a lot of unbelievable parts about The Family Stone, like how Rachel McAdams seems to always be eating a bowl of cereal or the SPOILER ALERT: A family switch of SJP falling for her boyfriend’s brother while her boyfriend falls for her sister and by next Christmas they all seem to be cool with it?! SURE. But mother-in-law drama is real, and this time of year, it’s as tall and as lit up as the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Here’s how to know if your in-laws secretly hate you and what you can do about it.

Why are relationships with our in-laws so challenging?

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Managing your relationship with your significant other’s family can feel like you’re “walking on a tightrope,” says Caitlin Slavens, Psychologist and Clinical Director at Couples to Cradles Counselling. “You’re bringing together two distinct family cultures, expectations, and in many cases, unspoken rules,” Slavens says, adding that the emotional connection with your partner, plus your attempt to make everything perfect, can lead to a dynamic that can feel “fraught with judgment, even if it’s not their intention.” Or, as Luke Wilson so brashly put it to SJP in The Family Stone, “Don’t dilly-dally there, pretty lady. We’re all gonna be down here talking about you.”

I met my now mother-in-law around the holidays five years ago. Growing up, I did not have the best relationship with my own mother, so I always dreamed of someday having a mother-in-law to become the mom I never had. I put a lot of internal pressure on myself and this relationship, which led to me taking everything she did or said to me personally. Now I realize her words and actions were never that deep, as my MIL is simply straightforward. When she gifted me thank you cards one year, I thought she was being petty, trying to tell me that I needed to thank her more (something my mother would do and mean). When really, she was likely sending them because she knows I send them a lot and thought that with our wedding coming up, I could use some more.

Once I accepted my MIL for who she was, instead of the idea of her I had made up in my head, our relationship became easier. Courtney Sonntag, MS, LMFT, who has had a tricky relationship with her own in-laws, came to a similar realization in her practice and in her own life. As she puts it, “The only person you have control over is yourself, so shifting the focus to acceptance and releasing the guilt of how the dynamic is can be very helpful,” which she realizes can be easier said than done, adding that “when we change our expectations, we can feel freer. Do I have a super close relationship with my in-laws? No. But, are we cordial? Yes. And sometimes that can be enough.” Amen.

Is it all in your head?

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Wendy Walsh, Ph.D, a relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com and Psychology Professor, suggests if you have a pattern of feeling insecure and are constantly nervous that people don’t like you, then you might want to work on that with a therapist, adding that on the other hand, “if your stomach is telling you something’s really off, and this isn’t a common feeling for you, then you’re onto something.”

Mindy always knew her mother-in-law didn’t like her, as she told 1.5 million people on TikTok. Her MIL’s feelings towards her were abundantly clear at her church bridal shower when her then-soon-to-be mother-in-law insisted she open her gift last which turned out to be a “red negligee” four sizes too small which she insisted Mindy wear to her honeymoon “if she can afford one.” When Mindy asked her for the receipt to get the correct size, her future MIL revealed the lingerie was hers, and her third husband “loves” her in it. MA’AM YOU ARE IN CHURCH!

When I asked Mindy when her MIL drama started, she said it was “never a question whether or not” her MIL liked her as she knew she was “rude as shit” the first time they met when Mindy and her now husband went over to her house for dinner. According to Mindy, her future MIL didn’t even get off the couch to greet them and said they already ate but there were leftovers in the fridge — even though Mindy and her husband were on time with flowers and wine (!).

At first, her husband thought Mindy was being sensitive because “this is the way she treats everyone.” This is a common response as Courtney Morgan, Licensed Therapist and Founder of Counseling Unconditionally, explained there is “often an unspoken expectation that toxic behavior should be tolerated simply because ‘they’re family’ — a mindset that can perpetuate unhealthy dynamics under the guise of maintaining family harmony.” Mindy’s husband eventually saw his mother’s behavior for what it is, and today, he, Mindy, and their kids have gone no contact.

How to survive your in-laws

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Mindy thinks the best way to tell if your in-laws really don’t like you is if, after meeting them a few times, they’re still “rude and disrespectful…that’s not a you problem [and] your significant other needs to handle it because it’s his people.” Before going no contact, Mindy and her husband would have a code word, so if her MIL was being rude to her, no matter what was happening, Mindy would say the code word, and they would leave. “As long as you and your significant other are on the same team and on the same page what everyone else thinks is irrelevant frankly,” she says.

Morgan suggests that instead of “getting caught up in trying to decode their feelings toward you” try to focus on how they’re treating you is affecting your well-being and your relationship with your partner. “This shift in perspective often provides clearer insights and more actionable paths forward,” Morgan says.

Can your in-laws ruin your relationship?

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For Jill York, yes. Jill told TikTok she thinks the situation with her now ex-mother-in-law and ex-husband got so bad because when she first started dating her now ex in her early 20s, she did not “see the signs or chose to ignore them,” which she now warns her viewers “WILL wreak havoc in your marriage.” In her 13-part TikTok series, Jill breaks down how she “fired” her mother-in-law. Jill explained to me in a phone interview that when she says “fired,” she means she divorced her now ex-husband, which ended her relationship with her, now former, mother-in-law as she said, “I literally fired them from my life. Because I think you are the CEO of your life, and if you don’t act accordingly, you are going to have people take over your business.”

Jill thinks one of the biggest monster-in-law red flags is if your partner has a co-dependent relationship with his mother where he “won’t take a step without asking permission. I think there comes a point in your life when you’re an adult where you should not be asking permission from your mom for anything.” According to Walsh, “enmeshed families” like Jill’s ex-in-laws will “unknowingly operate with few boundaries” when meeting a family member’s significant other and will “quickly insert themselves into a couple’s dynamics” as they unconsciously treat the outsider as a “threat to their family” who is “stealing” their family member. Sounds primal to me!

But Jill feels, “If your partner is allowing these things to happen and you have to have this conversation with your mother-in-law then you’re already way too deep.” While Walsh thinks that, “No relationship is ever past the point of repair. All relationships are a bridge between tribes, and it is up to the couple – as a united front – to keep laying bricks on that bridge.”

Today, Jill is re-married, and her kids are adults who will soon have families of their own, which will crown Jill with the prestigious mother-in-law title. Jill realizes over the holidays when dealing with your partner’s family it’s also important to, “Have some grace…if your in-laws are important to your husband and as long as they’re not disrespecting you, then you kind of bite your tongue and put up with it. That should always be your priority, your significant other.”

May the force be with you this holiday season. And by force, I mean wine. That usually makes in-laws more tolerable. In the worst-case scenario, you fall in love with your boyfriend’s brother!