The ‘Casual’ Trend Has Us Asking: When Do You Know If It’s True Love Or Love Bombing?

You’ve seen the TikTok trend: “Casual things my partner and I did when we first started dating” on one slide, examples of how they did “literally nothing” low-key on the next, like becoming official, dropping the L-bomb, or moving in together super early on, almost like it’s a competition…

Like most TikTok trends, this one seems flawed from how it’s set to Chappell Roan’s “Casual” – essentially the anthem for being manipulated and treated like crap in a situationship (do they know this? I don’t think so…) to how the song’s lyric about getting eaten out is muted (in case their parents see this I’m guessing?), but the TMI on their relationship speed is heard loud and clear. Oh, and a majority of couples jumping on this trend are dating or newly married. Would love to see how you’re doing 10 years from now, Josh and Jessica!

Sure, there are some long-term relationships on here – like that podcaster and her country star boyfriend who have been together for over a year… (but didn’t he cheat?). There’s also that sweeter-than-pumpkin-spice syrup couple where the girl is always looking “fire.” These two cuties knew they were soulmates on their first date. He bought a ring after six months, and they’ve been inseparable for ten years now.

Like most things viral, the casual trend is now at the point where it’s getting backlash, with critics calling out how it promotes love bombing and unhealthy relationship dynamics. But then again, you probably know of at least one fast-moving now long-lasting couple who are living proof of “when you know you know” (🙋🏼‍♀️my husband I included). And then there are those speedy relationships that crash and burn (err…mostly every relationship I had before my husband, plus most celebrity couples).

Instead of taking talking heads on your FYP word of it, what does a licensed therapist think about relationships that launch at lightning speed, and how can they survive? According to trauma and relationship therapist Alana Durand, LMSW, “Extremes are rarely sustainable.” This trend might contribute to unrealistic standards for finding a lasting relationship because we don’t know the context of what happened after their accelerated courtship or how they maintained and deepened their relationship. Let’s get into it.

How can an “instant” relationship last?

Maybe you’re reading this as your new relationship is already moving fast, and you’re worried it might be too good to be true. There are some things you can do to help sustain your speedy ‘ship. Durand suggests working on having transparent communication, leaving room for mistakes (because, duh, you’re still learning about each other), matching your words to your actions, which will help your mutual trust evolve quickly, and trying to balance excitement and patience.

Approaching your new exciting relationship with curiosity is also key (no, this doesn’t mean going through their phone or stalking their ex on socials). This is more about really getting to know the person you are dating instead of lusting over the idea of them since “When we’re first drawn to another person, it’s easy to fill in the gaps of things we don’t yet know, and craft a version of them that is not entirely true to who they are. This is normal and adaptive, but if we don’t update our understanding of the other person when we learn new information, we’re doomed for disconnection,” Durand explains.

Red flags you can’t ignore with love in the fast lane

While a new relationship can feel scary to your nervous or emotional system at first because it’s unfamiliar or challenging, this doesn’t mean you should run.Instead of ignoring these feelings, Durand suggests acknowledging these worries so you can better understand if it’s rooted in fear of getting hurt or if it’s a reaction to an actual red flag.

Common red flags in fast-moving relationships include partners who have a hard time with negative or big emotions from feeling overwhelmed, having a disagreement, or being stressed. “Healthy relationships need room for hardship, miscommunication, messy conversations, frustration, sadness, confusion, and shame. If you notice that your partner (or you) can only be fully present when things feel exciting and happy and perfect, the connection is unlikely to be sustainable,” Durand says.

Other red flags Durand advises to watch out for in fast-moving relationships include:

• When a partner is inconsistent and/or not accountable for their words or actions towards you.
• If they invalidate your feelings instead of trying to understand you, and or if they profess “grandiose feelings” early into dating, like saying “I love you.”
• Wanting to spend every minute with you, or saying you’re the only person who matters to them when you’re still getting to know each other.

“There is no singular truth when it comes to feelings, and the reality is that depth of love is limited by the amount of ourselves we’ve revealed to each other,” Durand adds.

Do they really love you, or are you being love-bombed?

Of course, your new partner’s grand gestures and words may be coming from a genuine place instead of being a manipulation tactic — like, love bombing. I know it’s hard to believe in modern dating, but there are some good ones out there. So how will you know if they really love you?

“There isn’t ever a guarantee that someone’s feelings expressed are genuine or honest,” Durand says. “This is why trust-building is so important. The more consistent someone is, the more they follow through on things, the more space they make for our emotional experience, the more work they do to understand their own patterns and wounds (so that they can communicate them knowingly), the more sure we can feel (in mind and body) that they are being genuine and truthful. The kicker here is: ‘more’ means time. When it comes to trust-building, there is no substitute for time.”

So yes, it is possible that those hundreds of thousands of couples and counting who did “literally nothing causal” when they first started dating will last as moving fast in relationships can actually work (just look at The Bachelor…actually, never mind…don’t). But when it comes to making those relationships go the distance beyond the TikTok trend, it’s all about investing in the health of the relationship.