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Just Some Of The Absolute Shittiest Dating Stories (Like, Literally)

When it comes to fecal matter and romance, I like to keep the two far, far apart. I’m talking DC and Marvel apart. I don’t fart in front of partners, and I managed to never once let my ex-partner of six years know that I ever pooped. Why? As much as I’m absolutely for being yourself and letting your partner see all of you, there is nothing that can make me not feel embarrassed about poop. My dating life is shitty enough without the actual shit. 

As much as I like to pretend that girls don’t poop, pooping is just something our bodies do — and sometimes, our bodies do it at the worst possible times. As you know, sometimes, shit happens. 

And for some people, shit happens at the most embarrassing moments you can imagine — on a date, in bed with a boo, or evenon a leather couch?

If poop has reared its ugly head at super inopportune moments for you before, you’re definitely not alone. And to make sure you know that, I asked social media to share some of its shittiest dating stories. If you’re easily grossed out, I wouldn’t keep scrolling. 

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Shitty Dating Stories (Literally)

Love Stains

In my sophomore year of college, I started hooking up with a guy I knew from high school. Now, I have this embarrassing habit of accidentally shitting myself whenever I get blackout drunk (which, let’s be honest, happens more often than I’d like to admit).

One morning, after a wild night of multiple rounds of sex, we’re lying hungover in bed when he spots something brown on my forearm. “What’s that?” he asks. Panic sets in as I flashback to the wee hours of the morning when I had the unfortunate mishap of puking and pooping simultaneously. “Uh, yeah. Chocolate,” I quickly respond, and to prove it, I lick the spot on my arm, fully aware that it’s actually poop. Later, he confessed to having heard my “bathroom struggles” and knowing it wasn’t chocolate. 

But I guess it didn’t faze him much because here we are, 15 years later, celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary.

– Lauren F.

Total Eclipse of the Shart

So, it was Valentine’s Day morning. I woke up early and whipped up some chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries, yogurt bowls, and coffee for my now-ex while he snoozed away. Got him up, we had breakfast together, and then I headed off to work while he stayed behind to work remotely from my place.

Before even hitting 11 am, I got a text from him while I was at my desk: “How do I use the washer?” he asked. “Low-key farted, and a Lil came out.”

It turns out, after my whole morning routine of being a breakfast-making champ, this guy manages to shart in my favorite leather chair – the best piece of furniture I own. To top it off, he tries to clean up his mess by tossing his clothes in the washer. But guess what? He accidentally left them in the dryer for a good 30 minutes while the washer was running empty. Classic.

Finally, after figuring out how to properly operate the washer, he asked me about cleaning products to deal with the aftermath on my chair. Luckily, nothing was visible on the chair, but he claimed it still smelled because he didn’t immediately realize what had happened. So there he was, unknowingly sitting in his shart during his company Zoom meeting. Can you imagine? I’m trying to work, and I’m getting texts about sharts and leather chairs.

Long story short, the chair survived, but the relationship didn’t. 

– Annie S. 

A Relationship Gone Down The Drain

I was on a walking date with my now ex, and I suddenly had the most urgent need to pee. We were strolling by the East River, about 15 minutes from his place, and I was like, “Okay, okay, I can hold it.” We start heading back, but I’m on the verge of peeing my pants. We finally get to his apartment, and guess what? His roommate is taking a shower in their ONLY bathroom.

In a total panic, I ask him for any container he has so I can relieve myself. He hands me a WATER BOTTLE, thinking somehow I can aim into it. I dash into his room, close the door, and pray for the best. But let’s be real, I’m a woman, and aiming isn’t really my strong suit. Long story short, I end up peeing all over his floor just as he walks in on me. I blurted out, “DON’T WORRY, I’LL CLEAN IT,” burst into tears, then bolted out of there, texting him later that we should break up. We dated another two years.

– Anonymous

A Crappy, Quick Story

I scheduled a coffee date for noon on a Sunday. I woke up feeling extremely hungover, but somehow, I found the energy to drag myself to the coffee shop. Now, I had this rule for myself that it was a “no fart day,” but guess what? I let one rip anyway. And let me tell you, it was more than just a fart.

Luckily, the guy was running late, so I managed to sneak off to the coffee shop bathroom and discreetly toss my panties in the garbage. So, there I was, going commando on a coffee walking date, and he never had a clue about what went down!

– Krista H.

Dumped In The Woods

I dated a guy in law school for about a year. He tried to get me back for years, sending gifts, asking me to go out for dinner, writing letters, etc. We both moved to the same city after law school, and every time I saw him, he would always try to talk to me. One day, I saw him on a run. I waved and carried on. About a mile later, I had to poop. As an avid runner, I knew where all the porta potties in the city were, and I knew I wouldn’t reach the nearest. It was coming. Fast. So I did what any runner would do: I ran into the woods in the small park and popped a squat. As I pulled my shorts down and started to poop explosively, I realized my ex had followed me into the woods, and we locked eyes as I took a shit in the woods. He ran away and never contacted me again.”

– Anonymous 

Syeda Khaula Saad
Syeda Khaula Saad
Syeda Khaula Saad is a sex & dating writer at Betches despite not remembering the last time she was in a relationship. Just take her word for it.