Ranking Every Adam Brody Character By Boyfriend Material

The world has finally joined me in the Adam Brody Fan Club. I have been fangirling over this man for far longer than I care to admit and make no attempts to hide my obsession. Usually, I can’t help but feel jealous or resentful of a celeb crushes partner, but with Adam, I am so happy for him and Leighton Meester. Partly because she’s Blair Fucking Waldorf, and partly because I love him so much I want him to be happy!!! Also maybe because I’m bi and secretly hoping a throuple is still an option. The world is drooling over Adam as Noah, the hot rabbi and seemingly perfect boyfriend, but this is not the only role this talented actor has brought to life. So let’s rank Adam Brody’s best roles in terms of their boyfriend material!!! Am I bringing him home to mama? Am I letting him in the backdoor? Let’s find out.

Nikolai Wolf

Wel, this is a doozy!!!! Thank god Adam Brody played a villain early in his career. In the cult classic Jennifer’s Body (responsible for about 50% of women’s first foray into masturbation), Adam plays Nikolai Wolf, the lead singer of the band Low Shoulder. They’re also secret Satanists who attempt to sacrifice Jennifer Check so that they can be successful. Not only is this responsible for all the events and deaths that follow, but it’s kinda shitty behavior. Like I’ve had men gaslight, cheat, and mansplain feminism to me, but sacrificing me to satan would be the final straw. Nikolai, you’re a fuckboy and a bad man.

Jerry

So Jerry’s only redeeming quality is that the film Promising Young Woman is filled with trash men, so he’s one of many fish in the sea of toxic masculinity. But other than that, fuck Jerry!!! Right at the start of the film, Jerry is out with two colleagues when they noticed Cassie appearing wasted in a bar. Jerry takes her home and tries to hook up with her, when she says she is drunk he takes her to the bed and tries to remove her panties. Yeah, he’s a fucking rapist and the worst and a terrible boyfriend. If it weren’t for satanic sacrifices, he’d be at the bottom of the list. DISGUSTING MAN. ADAM, I TRUSTED YOU.

Carter Webb

Very briefly, I debated putting Carter at the bottom of the list, as making out with a daughter and her mom is ROUGH. But I guess satanic sacrifices are just a teensy bit worse? Idk let me know what you think.

Adam plays Carter Webb, a soft-core porn movie writer who got dumped by his young, starlet girlfriend Sofia. He leaves LA and moves in with his grandma in Michigan to look after her and heal. Instead, he gets tangled up in the family across the road, who have enough problems without him adding to it. He fucks over my girlies Kristen Stewart and Meg Ryan, which is unacceptable. He does learn the error of his ways blah blah, but I’m still not impressed. Anyway, go watch In the Land of Women if you want to hate men even more than you already do.

Daniel Le Domas

This might be a case of being the least bad in the bunch, rather than an actually good guy. In Ready Or Not, new bride Grace has to escape her murderous in-laws who want to sacrifice her — yikes. Adam plays Daniel, her new brother-in-law. He’s an alcoholic and a willing participant of previous hunts, but now he is actually trying to help Grace escape. He gets shot protecting her, so like he tried his best. While I wouldn’t want to marry Daniel and join that fucked-up family, at least he tries??? Wow, my standards for men are abysmal.

Owen

Okay, so Adam Brody’s character Owen was not a major part of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, and you might have even forgotten he was in it, but he was. He plays the main girlie’s boyfriend, who gets dumped real fast. His most notable action is being responsible for making his girlfriend Penny miss the last opportunity to see her family in England. He also gets abandoned in a riot for being a selfish prick. So yeah, he sucks, bad boyfriend booooo!!! But at the same time, the world is literally ending, and his girlfriend has a fun time with her new bestie, so all’s well that ends well.

Derek

I had to include this lil feature on the list as it’s the only time he plays Leighton’s love interest!! Adam plays Derek in seven episodes of Single Parents, and he’s basically Angie’s shitty ex boyfriend. He’s a musician, which isn’t great, as that’s total Ken serenade territory. But like he is SUPER into Angie and that’s cute, right?? I’m a sucker for love bombing. But he’s still low on the list as he is her ex for a reason and the MUSICIAN RED FLAG.

Nick Talman

I feel like The StartUp marks the resurgence of Adam Brody in society, as he got me drooling. Adam plays Nick Talman, a morally-conflicted banker who starts a tech company with dirty money. So I’m hearing a man in Finance? No blue eyes, but those baby browns got me just as lovestruck. He isn’t the BEST character in the show, but he also isn’t the worst, and that should count for something. He’s also loyal to his team and very smart, so I’ll take it. He could at least take me out for a nice meal, even if it isn’t on his dime.

Berkley

It’s hard to say much about the character of Berkley, as he was only in New Girl for a single episode, but given that he played Jess’ ex-boyfriend, he was too perfect to miss. In the season three episode “Exes,” Jess is trying to prove to Nick he can be friends with an ex, and more specifically Caroline. She uses her friendship with Berkley as an example, and obviously it turns out he is still majorly in love with her. So the whole obsessing with your ex while married to someone new is certainly not great, but he seems like a great dad to his kid, and wow that devotion to Jess!!! I’ve had worse??

Zack

Okay, no one seems to remember 2001’s Much Ado About Whatever, also known as The Sausage Factory, but it deserves a spot on our list. This one-season show gives strong American Pie energy, following four lads as they attempt to get girls and survive high school. The show is rather forgettable, but Adam’s character Zack definitely wasn’t the worst of it. A bit clingy as a boyfriend, a bit foolish, but harmless compared to the others. It’s not the bottom of our list, but nowhere near the top. Also lol-ing at how he basically inspired Whitney’s TikTok RSV dance in the “Community Impact” episode when he is grooving while vacuuming a room and accidentally unplugging a heart monitor.

Toby Walling

The Oranges is a very special movie as it featured Adam Brody as well as his future wifey Leighton Meester!!! They do not play love interests; in fact, Toby’s father is the one having an affair with Leighton’s character. So Toby is hopelessly into Nina, and after her failed engagement, she starts fucking his married dad oopsie. And while we don’t get to see him in action as a romantic lead, he is so devoted to Nina that we can guess. Like he apparently sends her postcards from all his travels. Gimme a boyf who travels and is well off. I find it a lil worrying he still wants to be with Nina after it all and was delusional enough to think she was into him in the first place, but there are worse boyfriend traits than being delulu!!!

Seth Cohen

It’s 2003, you’re wearing skirts over jeans, and you’re staring dumbfounded as Seth Cohen stands on a coffee cart to declare his love for Summer Roberts. A season later, Summer stands on a cart to declare her love for him, only to be rejected.

He had loved her forever, and yet within episodes, he fucks it all up. He simultaneously dates Anna, he says cruel things out of a place of hurt, and he just generally messes her around. I love Seth Cohen, but twenty years later, I realize that I wouldn’t want him as a boyfriend. Seth was a hilarious, loveable character, but a pretty shit partner, even to the girl he had loved forever. Looking back at The O.C., maybe we should’ve paid more attention to Ryan.

Super Hero Freddy

Okay, I’d like to clarify that I’m talking about the adult version of Freddy Freeman in Shazam!, played by Adam Brody, not the underaged child. I’m focusing only on the adult superhero, who would be a pretty good boyfriend if you ask me. He’s quite wise as he mentors Billy on how to be a good superhero; he’s considerate, got some good banter, and hey, Adam looks good in blue and gold. Plus, check out his ass in those tight pants YUM. So I worry all the bullying and feelings of inadequacy would lead him to then be a fuckboy as soon as women start showing interest in him, but I hope for the best. Also, he’d def drag you to the cinema for every Marvel movie release, but I think he’d be willing to watch Real Housewives with you in exchange.

Tim

Once again, Leighton and Adam are in a film together, a romantic comedy, and yet they don’t play lovers!!!! Instead, Life Partners is focused on Paige and Sasha’s friendship, and how it is derailed by Paige’s relationship with Tim — Adam!!! So while we should hate Tim because he is coming between besties, we really can’t because it’s not his fault, it’s theirs. He’s actually super sweet and supportive, and doesn’t let Paige badmouth Sasha to him. When he runs into Sasha he supports her career struggles and doesn’t judge her for things. I WANT A TIM!!! But I def wouldn’t give up my bestie for him.

Dave Rygalski

Second in place, we’ve got Dave of Gilmore Girls. His nine episodes on the fall classic were enough to cement him in our hearts FOREVER. He is one of the best love interests on the show, going above and beyond for Lane. A sweet, dorky band geek, Dave is determined to impress her family, going as far as pretending to be a Christianian guitarist to her mom in order to win her approval and just spend time with her. The show fucked up his ending after shipping him off to California and didn’t even have Adam appear in a guest episode to round things off respectively. But that’s not on Dave, that’s on the creators.

Hot Rabbi Noah

Image Credit: Netflix

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Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!!! One might argue that this is due to this being the most recent Adam Brody portrayal, but in truth, it’s because he’s a high-maintenance girlie’s wet dream. In Nobody Wants This, Adam plays Noah, a sexy, recently single rabbi. The 10-episode season explores his burgeoning relationship with Joanne, an agnostic sex podcaster with commitment issues.

Noah is one of the most emotionally mature men I have seen, not just on TV, but in real life. He is patient with Joanne, and helps her to work through the issues and doubts that arise. Instead of rising to her jealousy or irritation, he shares in her struggles and meets her halfway.

He is willing to give up being Head Rabbi, his dream job, to be with Joanne. Whether or not this is right is another question, but it gives strong boyfriend energy. He stands up to his mother for the first time ever when she is picking on Joanne. Like the list goes on, but the message is clear: I want to bring Noah home to meet my mama.