Want to know a little secret? Mommy buys whatever she wants year round, which means you don’t need to get her another bathrobe or monogrammed mug to add to her collection. While cute handwritten cards and framed artwork are always welcome, there’s really only one thing she wants for Mother’s Day this year: being left the fuck alone.
Yup, that’s it! Groundbreaking, right? It’s even free! There’s truly no better gift to give mom than blissfully uninterrupted, can-hear-a-pin-drop, no-tiny-voices-asking-Mommy-for-a-damn-thing, peace and quiet. And I’m speaking from experience as a proud messy-bun mom of three feral kids ages 6 and under.
Of course, a week or even 48 hours of silence would be wonderful, but hey, we’ll take what we can get here. All you need to do is plan an epic outing for the little ones so mommy can spend her one holiday doing the following:
Sleeping in until whenever
Not to name names or anything, but a morning to just snooze away uninterrupted (ahem, like dad) or simply lie in bed binge-watching Love Is Blind or some other trash television show would be incredible. You know, no kids bouncing off the walls at 5:30am, screaming for chocolate milk and Paw Patrol or repeatedly yelling, “Mom, Mom, Mommmmmy!” until you explode into a million pieces.
Enjoying a hot cup of coffee
Go ahead and ask mom how many times she has to reheat her goddamn coffee on any given morning. It’s honestly excessive. The pure joy that would come with simply sinking into the couch and enjoying a nice cup of HOT coffee completely unbothered, all in one sitting, would be the dream.
Peeing in peace
It’s the simple things in life, you know? Like going to the bathroom without a crowd or having the door burst open mid-pee because someone needs their ten-thousandth snack of the day RIGHT NOW. And while we’re on the topic, it’d be nice to go a single day without, I don’t know, having to wipe someone else’s ass. Just saying…
Cooking for nobody
Let’s face it, moms of toddlers are basically short order cooks, so a day of not having to deal with that whole situation (and trust us, it’s always a situation) will score you major points.
Taking a nap
Sleep when the baby sleeps? Lol, good one. Between the pile of dishes and the mass destruction awaiting her in the playroom, there’s no time for mom to rest her eyes because she never stops cleaning. (Hi, it’s me!) For Mother’s Day, the gift of a midday nap would be priceless.
Waking up to a clean house
Speaking of cleaning, you know what would be like, so sexy? You making the entire house sparkle (my biggest turn on!), or better yet, hiring a professional to do a deep cleaning so we don’t have to lift a damn finger. There’s no greater gift than a clean house, even if it only stays that way for .5 seconds.
Binge-watching murder shows
None of that Blippi BS. We’re ready to put our investigator hats on and watch some highly inappropriate stuff—without the constant interruptions—that would scare the bejesus out of the kids. Maybe we’ll even binge a podcast about the same murder while we’re at it, who knows.
Is it too much to ask to browse the internet without anyone begging to play a game on our phone or snatching it to take a hundred pictures of their toenails? All we want is to insta-stalk (in peace) that random girl we went to high school with who suddenly started posting inspirational quotes and deleted every picture with her husband—like WTF is going on? We need to know! — or watch a bunch of relatable TikToks that make us LOL and feel like we’re not completely failing at this whole parenting thing after all.
Taking a solo bath
Picture taking a nice long soak, maybe throwing in some bath salts, lighting a candle, and popping open a bottle of wine without a tiny terrorist covered in paint and snot jumping in and dumping the entire basket of bath toys in the tub while loudly demanding more bubbles. Yeah, that would be nice.
Conveniently missing bedtime
Not that we don’t *love* snuggling up to our children and reading 15 Pig The Pug books, but a night off from bedtime duties might just give us enough energy to actually have sex. Or to stay awake for Succession…okay, prob the latter.
Bonus points for this one! Eating at a nice restaurant
Hell, maybe even ordering an adult beverage, talking some shit about the moms who have their lives way too together in your kiddo’s kindergarten class, and just generally enjoying some adult conversation—or food that isn’t leftover dinosaur chicken nuggets and boxed Annie’s pasta.
Going to a hotel… alone
We love you, we love our kids, we love the whole fam. But this Mother’s Day, all we really want is to be shipped off to a bougie ass hotel (it can literally be a block down the street) with access to a 5-star spa, 24/7 room service and a mini bar. The joy, the freedom, the no one touching us or asking us for anything at all for a solid 24 hours = paradise.
Happy Mother’s Day, y’all! May your day be filled with all the peace and fucking quiet you can get.