A Betchy Mid-Season Recap of "Vanderpump Villa"

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Welcome back to Vanderpump Villa — we’ve officially hit mid-season, and the drama, which has ranged from the juicy to the downright bizarre, is hitting an all-time high.

Do multiple roads lead back to Marciano? Perhaps. The villa manager has continuously gotten into it with several staffers, including Caroline, who he decided to start a pastry-themed rivalry with. Yes, you read that correctly. After making a huge stink over her leaving a croissant in the oven too long, Marciano proceeded to LEAVE THE BURNED TREAT ON HER BED. (He also called her “dum dum” causing my blood pressure to rise several levels.) Hannah has resumed hooking up with her former boyfriend and is sticking up for him, even getting into it with Priscilla, because she thought her legs were too open while sitting next to Marciano on the couch.

The pressure cooker of emotions hits its breaking point when a bachelorette party arrives at the villa. As the staffers are asked to answer dishy questions about each other in an after-hours party game — including who’s the most boring and the kinkiest — Marciano really steps in it when he claims Chef Anthony doesn’t deserve to be working at the château. This sets off Grace, who goes off on Marciano for being disrespectful to the chef, along with calling out a myriad of other issues, like how he talks to women and his general rudeness.

Marciano, aware that he’s officially become persona non grata, makes the executive decision to handle this negative feedback by blacking out and making out with Gayle, one of their guests. Oh, Marciano, no, no, no.

And thus begins the absolute delightful mess that is episode five of Vanderpump Villa.

Gabriella spots the kiss and immediately tells Hannah what happened — which was likely a decision made both because she’s a girl’s girl and because she was positively gleeful to reveal Marciano’s true colors. Hannah is, understandably, very upset and turns to Telly and Priscilla for comfort. And so begins what I HOPE is some sort of John Tucker Must Die-style alliance between them.

As the sun rises on another rough night, Lisa, donning a trés chic pussy bow, gathers everybody in for a staff meeting and calls out Marciano, telling him to apologize for his actions. He tries to redeem himself by standing up in front of the group to express remorse but clearly no one is buying it, including Hannah, who is still pissed.

Lisa moves on, offering details to the staffers about their latest guests, a group of single guys, which immediately garners appreciative looks from the ladies in the room. Hannah is especially psyched. This is her time to shine. Following the meeting, Marciano goes to find his ex, who is inexplicably sitting on a flower-laden swing, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and furry slippers. She calls him out for making out with the guest and says she doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore.

When one romantic door closes, another one opens at Vanderpump Villa. Gabriella and Andre start getting flirty and she confides to the camera that she’s kind of into the mixologist, despite the fact that Grace has a crush on him. Andre privately admits that he might have a thing for Gabriella, too. Yuh-oh.

It’s only a few hours before opening. Marciano has been banished to clean the dishes for Anthony, who is positively delighted by this turn of events. Meanwhile, the women of the villa have a blast once the guests arrive. Hannah is doing body shots off Dan, who she deems the most attractive of the bunch. Marciano, who is now donning a hairnet, spirals over the idea that Hannah might be flirting with other guys. Gabriella decides she’s also attracted to Dan (Andre who?) and people start jumping in the pool as the sexual tension begins mounting between…everyone? Priscilla sequesters herself in another room alone because everyone’s personalities are too loud, thus becoming the most relatable person on the show.

Despite the fact that Hannah had been eyeing Dan the whole night, she feels like their interaction was awkward after they sat down for a one-on-one so she excuses herself to go to bed, leaving an opening for Dan and Gabriella to flirt and steal a kiss. Andre spots the two of them getting cozy and walks dejected to his room. Marciano is, presumably, somewhere in the kitchen still washing dishes. And thus, another Vanderpump Villa episode comes to an end…but not before Eric decides to play a game of Quidditch by himself as the other staffers look on, baffled.

You can watch new episodes of Vanderpump Villa on Mondays – only on Hulu.

Thea Koral
Thea Koral
Thea Koral is a New York-based writer and editor. She is still recovering from the ending of "One Day" and can recite most, if not all, of "Friends" in her sleep.